Daddy's Home

He'd expected the going back to work part to be tough.  He'd even expected the ache that would come along with missing her (both ‘hers') while he sat behind a desk; admitting to Pam that his throat would probably go just a little bit tight at the sudden appearance of a text photo of a new facial expression. He'd already known that simple video footage of a baby belly rising up and down during sleep would do him in.  For reasons Jim did not understand there was something about Cece's belly rising and falling during sleep (especially in a onesie) that killed him...like every time.  

All of this is really just to say what he hadn't expected though. And what he hadn't expected was that coming home would be just as tough.  Worse even.

He's being dramatic. This he knows. But he'd just sort of figured that Cece would adapt.  That all babies just...adapted.  Wasn't that what kids were best at? Just sort of rolling with the punches?  He wasn't the first dad to have to go back to work soon after his child was born.  Why was his kid holding such a grudge?  Apparently the fantasy he'd had that involved coming home and making silly faces at her, and burping her while tuning into Sports Center while Pam finally got a chance to relax was way off base.  

Where was the grinning, drooling baby that was happy to see him?  Where was the moment that made 8 hours of drudgery and Michael-sitting worth it?

"Oooh...come on Cece," Pam said, her hand on Cece's back (on top of his) as Cece did her best impression of a fire engine. She was literally screaming.  

Every night at exactly 5:32, when Jim reached for her - this happened.  The neighbors were going to start thinking that Jim arrived home every night from work and promptly started beating his wife and child.

"I swear she was fine earlier..." Pam said between shushes.

"Oh yeah Pam...I know..." Jim said, pulling Cece close even as she fidgeted and strained against him.  He brought his hand up cradle her head.  She was already partially holding it up on her own, but he didn't want her to hurt herself. "It's me."

"No...it's not...She's fine. She just needs a second to warm up."

And just as predictable as Cece's crying, was Pam's reassurances that their daughter just needed to ‘warm up'.

"No...I mean it clearly is not just that, Pam...And I'm not fishing for an ego stroke...it's ok."

He didn't say it with the bitterness he felt inside. At least he didn't think he did, but Pam's face told a different story. One of pity.

"You could try swaddling her again. You're really good at that, babe."

Great. Now he was being reassured and patronized.

He must've worn his dismay on his face.

"No really...You should," she said again. "You know how sometimes that helps her calm down?...She likes feeling all bundled up...and you're way better at swaddling than I am."

"You know it's really ok," Jim said, feeling himself give up before he even handed his daughter back over to her mother.  If he was being honest he'd given up the second his car hit the driveway.  This had been going on for over two weeks now.  "It's my turn to cook dinner tonight anyway...so just...hold her...and I'll get started on it."

"Jim -

"Seriously, it's ok...I'll try again later," he said walking away. "It's ‘S' night...Spaghetti or Salmon?"

Pam's mumbled Spaghetti came from the hall as Jim tugged on his tie and pulled a package of noodles out of the cupboard.

He did try again later.  Much later. When Cecelia Marie was already fast asleep on her mother's shoulder.  He knew that one of these days this entire phase - if that's what it was - had to end.  For now though it was just best if he held his baby girl when she was unconscious.  He'd actually developed quite a skill of picking her up without waking her. 

That and swaddling - his two special skills.

It was in bed that night, in the dark and the quiet, when Pam tried for a new excuse.  "You know....," she whispered. "I was thinking about the whole Cece hating you thing...and I really think it's the way you smell."

"Wow. Thank you...so much, Pam."

"No...just...listen," she said curling into him in a way that already sort of made him feel better even if her words didn't.  "Remember during my fourth month of pregnancy when it was like I literally couldn't stand to be around you?"

He sighed in the dark. "Yes, I remember those dark days."

"I told you it was the way you smelled right? That it nauseated me?"

"Yes."

"Well maybe that was Cece's problem and not mine.  Maybe I didn't hate your smell at all...maybe it was Cece who hated it...from the womb.

"I forget...is this supposed to be making me feel better?"  Jim said, stretching beneath her.

"I'm sorry...I started talking before I thought that rationale all the way through."

"You are failing - miserably at making me feel better by the way...But that's ok because I'm failing as a father, so..."

"Stop.  Ok listen -

"Please. Not another pep talk."

"No you have to listen to me...remember in my sixth month when I couldn't get enough of you though? See?  I bet Cece will get over it too!  If it is your smell she'll get over it...or, you know what I could do?  I could wear your shirts when you're gone and that way she'll associate your smell with my smell and she'll start to like you again.  See?"

"You are...just so bad at pep talks. Never ever coach anything."

Pam grinned and kissed his chest. "I'll let you coach her soccer team.  See, she'll totally love you because you'll coach her soccer team."

"You're forgetting that I have zero soccer skill."

"Softball then...and basketball, you're so good at those...you're super hot on the basketball court."

Jim smiled.  "This peptalk is going a little better now."

"See you just had to give me time...You knew I'd get there."

Jim pulled her close and smiled. "Apparently you both need time..." When Pam started to speak her cut her off. "I'm not taking it personally." He was though. "It's really ok...You spend all day with her right...and the whole boob thing. Of course she likes you better.  You come equipped with her most favorite things.  It's why I like you best too."

Pam sighed. "...I have to be able to leave sometimes and I feel bad..."

"It'll get better," Jim said cutting her off.  Did she think he didn't know that she had to be able to leave the house at some point?   That she had to be able to leave their child in his hands?

He heard her sigh again. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight......I guess I can do with a two month spread by the way...if it took her two months to get over hating me from the womb."

"Can we forget I used that rationale?"

"No."

"I love you...I mean just...by the way."

"Good...I love you too...and don't worry - I'll be persistent.  I've proven I'm good at that right?  I'll just start going up to her crib. Hanging over the side...making jokes about you...If your cell phone ends up in our ceiling don't get mad ok?...We're bonding."

He felt the weight of Pam's hand on his chest, covering his heart. "She won't be able to resist you for long."

"Here's hoping."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------