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Story Notes:
All right. This was inspired by several things: One) as much as I love fluff, I was in the mood for something just a smidgen angsty. Two) The Perks of Being a Wallflower which is just about as fabulous of a book as you can get. And three) Wilco and Elliott Smith for putting me in this kind of mood.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The title is from the song by Wilco. Sigh. I love Wilco.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.



So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.- The Perks of Being a Wallflower



It’s like this:

She’s happy. Honestly, she has everything she could ever want. She has a husband who loves her and she has the world's most perfect baby, and she's just so damn lucky.

But sometimes she’s sad. She’s not sure why, but sometimes she feels kind of like crying, the sadness washes over her like a wave, and she has to take a deep breath and wait for it to pass.

And it does.

Usually.

Because she can’t be sad. She just can’t.

She has Jim and she has Cece and her job is not so bad, and they have a house and they have friends and they’re happy.

But sometimes she thinks about how they’ll never leave Scranton now. The house won’t be paid off for years, and her mom watches Cece for them on her days off, and Jim’s parents are near, and besides, where would they go?

The thing is she never saw herself here.

And the other thing is that she always saw herself here. But her last name was Anderson and it used to be okay, being a wife and a mother and working and living in Scranton, and then Jim swept in with his grandiose plans about having a career that mattered and about being more than just a receptionist for a mid-sized paper company. And she believed him. She got caught up in the fantasy, being an artist, seeing the world, leaving Scranton behind.

Then she got pregnant.

And Cecelia is amazing, really, she’s beautiful and perfect and half her and half Jim, and she can’t imagine her life without her, but…

But.

It’s not fair, because Jim is great, and it’s not his fault that she left Pratt and she came home, and it’s not his fault that she doesn’t tell him about how sometimes when she’s in the shower she rests her head against the cool tile and she cries and cries and cries and cries.

And she doesn’t know how to tell him, because he seems so happy. He keeps talking about additions to the house and maybe starting to try for number two when Cece is about fifteen months, because it would be great if they could have their kids be about two years apart, and now that Pam is making a consistent salary they can start saving and maybe the two of them can finally make it to Paris or Florence and her mom or his mom can watch the baby for them and wouldn’t that be awesome?

He’s trying. He’s trying so hard. And she’s just awful.

She’s awful. And she loves him, she does. So, so, so much. She loves the way that he snores a little bit, and she loves the way that he explains baseball to Cece like she understands, and she loves the way that he’s trying to get her to Paris and Florence.


So most of the time she's happy, and those other times, those times when she's kind of sad, she just takes a deep breath and when she lets it out again, she's content with her life.


And she’s happy.

Most of the time, she’s happy.


bashert is the author of 37 other stories.



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