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Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam has a lot on her mind.
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I’m lying awake next to you trying to find a comfortable position to sleep, but I can’t. If you ask me why, I will blame our little guy, even though he hasn’t moved in the past hour or so. Well, maybe he is partially to blame; I do have an enormous belly, but he is not the sole reason why sleep chose to evade me tonight. I have a whirlwind of thoughts circling in my head.


You know how I told you I was over the whole list thing? Well, I thought I was, but turns out, I’m not. Even an outsider like Robert sees that I’m not that fun-loving, carefree, artsy girl sitting at reception.


That was the girl you fell in love with, remember?


I miss that girl. I bet you miss her too.


Don’t get me wrong. Your list made my world turn to color again. I love being your wife and I absolutely love being a mom. That’s never going to change. Ever. But why can’t I be a wife and a mom and also be on the left side of the list? What is keeping me from being seen as a winner? All the things you said earlier made sense. But he doesn’t know you either and he picked you.


I think I hear Cece crying. I won’t bother waking you up. Her wails are a welcomed interruption. It will keep me from going further down the existential lane of my existence. Anyways, she’s crying, I can clearly hear her now. I better hurry before you wake up. With much effort, I push myself up and waddle to her room. Not the nursery, her own room.


That’s the other thing I’ve been thinking about tonight. Cece has her own room now. C’mon, that’s crazy, right?
I’m still not on board with the toddler bed. I understand you want to use the crib for our little guy, but Cece is not ready for a big girl bed. Yes, she has climbed out of the crib a couple of times and is possibly a future escape artist, but we could install a crib tent. I’ve seen them and it attaches to the crib rails with Velcro. It will keep her safe and snug in her crib. We don’t need to pressure her to grow up just because we have a new baby coming.


I open the door to her new room and I see her climbing out of the crib. My heart jumps to my throat, but she seems me, slips back in the crib, and extends her arms towards me. Maybe Cece is totally ready for a big girl bed. I’m just not sure if I’m ready. And there it is – those pesky tears. It’s just…I’m not ready for her to grow up yet.


“Oh Cee,” I say. “C’mere girl.” With great difficulty I pull her out of the crib and she burrows her face on my shoulder. She’s so heavy and warm. “Whas wrong, huh?” I ask, rubbing her back.


“Mamma…” She mumbles again and she doesn’t have to say anything else. I know exactly. I think the room is still very unfamiliar to her. We have to get these boxes unpacked and have all her little things in place. It’s scary waking up somewhere and not knowing where you are. Imagine if she was sleeping on a toddler bed.


“I know, sweetie. I know.”


I walk over to the rocking chair, which I know won’t be here for much longer, and sit there with her. I think back to the many times I’ve sat here holding her over the past year and a half. (Think how many times you sat here with her too). She still fits cozily in your arms. She’s grown out of mine. She’s more like sprawled over me. Especially now - she’s contorted all around her brother.


I run my fingers over her hair, which to your delight is getting curlier, and kiss her sweaty forehead. She looks up at me with those big blue eyes of hers and smiles, lazy and sleepy.


“It’s nigh-night time still.” I tell her.


She rubs her eyes and rests her head on my chest. She yawns really big and I know she’ll be back asleep before I know it.


I continue rocking her (us) and my mind drifts back to that night when we were up with her because she just wouldn’t sleep. Remember? We came really close to calling the doctor. Oh, how naïve we were. Cece eventually tired herself out (and us) and fell asleep. It feels like it happened just yesterday, doesn’t it? We are definitely ready this time around, although I’m a bit nervous about having a boy.


The thing is…I’m good with girls. I know how to take care of them. But I’m a bit clueless when it comes to boys. Yes, I didn’t have experience with baby girls before Cece, but because I’m a girl, I felt more adequate. My mom can’t really give me advice on it. Your mom scared the crap out of me. Do we really need to stock up on the band-aids? Another thing, am I really gonna get sprayed every time I have to change his diaper?


Also, I worry about how Cece will react once the baby is actually here. I know she gets all excited when you point to my belly and ask her ‘what’s in there’ and she says ‘babeee’ like it’s the new Santa Claus, but she doesn’t understand what it really means. I’m afraid this crying-at-night thing is just the tip of the iceberg. She was sleeping all through the night. We were convinced that we’d gone solidly around this bend. Cece is not good with changes and no one knows that better than you. But I applaud you for trying to read a different book to her tonight, though. Maybe you if you insist long enough she’ll give in.


I look down at Cece and she’s back to asleep. She looks like you, except she’s not sporting a five-o-clock shadow. The pouty mouth, the eyebrows, her long lashes… it’s all you. I should probably put her back in the crib, but I decided against it. I continue rocking her. Who knows when I will get to do this again?


Cue the tears… I’m a basket case.


I end up dozing off on the glider because the next thing I see is you hovering above me. I open my eyes and smile. You have a bad case of bed hair.


“Did she wake up?” you ask.


“Yeah,” I reply around a yawn.


Your face frowns. “Is she okay? Why didn’t you wake me up?”


“She’s fine. I think the room is just unfamiliar. And I was already up.”


“Couldn’t sleep?”


“Yeah… “


“Is he using your bladder as a trampoline again?”


I chuckle. “Yeah, he is the culprit.” I bet you can see right through me.


“Here,” you say. “Let me take her.”


You pull her from my arms and you nestle her on your shoulder. She doesn’t flinch. She drapes over you all limp and warm. It’s like she belongs there, in your arms.


“C’mon,” you say offering me the hand that isn’t holding Cece. “I’ll make you some tea.”


You’ve caught on to me. You offered to make me tea. You know something else is bothering me.


You pull me up and I take a few seconds to adjust. I watch you kiss Cece and place her back in the crib. You look around the room but whatever you’re looking for doesn’t seem to be within site.


“What do you looking for?” I ask.


“Her bear…The one with the blanket,” you say as you rip the tape off a box labeled, toys. You dig through the box and you pull out the pink blanket with a teddy bear that my mom gave to her when she was born. You walk over to the crib and you place it inside. “Maybe the room is still a bit unfamiliar, huh?”



“Yeah. “ I grin, trying to hide the tears burning the back of my eyes. I don’t even know why there are there.


You take my hand and you lead me carefully down the steps towards the kitchen. You pull out a chair for me and you start getting the tea pot filled with water. I just watch you sluggishly pitter around the kitchen. You are tired. I almost want to tell you that we should probably go back to bed, since pretty soon we will not have the privilege of sleep.


The tea pot starts whistling. It takes you a few seconds to decipher the sound, but you are quick to remove it from the stove. You fill our mugs (world’s best mom and world’s best dad) and you come to sit at the table with me.


“So,” you say, sifting through the tea bags in the box. “What’s on your mind?”


“What do you mean?” I ask, but I already know exactly what you mean and the beauty of our relationship is that you know that I know what you mean.


“Little Jimothy is not the reason you’re awake.”


“Um….He’s…lodged in my ribs actually,” I lie, pressing my hand to the top of me belly.


You tilt your head sideways as if saying, Really? That’s the best you’ve got?


“It’s just…,” I say nursing my mug. “It’s just hormones,” I explain. “That’s all. It’s not what you’re thinking.”


“Is it about the list?” You ask as you sip your tea. “Because you shouldn’t let him get to you. It’s all a narcissistic tactic to intimidate the—”


“No, it’s not really that,” I say. “It’s a lot of things. And I think I have to deal with this on my own,” I tell you. You frown. You don’t really like that idea.


“Are you sure? I can help. Do you want me to beat someone up for you?”


I chuckle. “I’m sure. You’ve helped plenty already.” You look at me and I know you are trying to read me. “I’m okay. They are just thoughts.”


“Okay,” you say. “Just know that I love you and…” You pull you chair closer to mine and I have to blink a few times to hide the tears once again agglomerating in the back of my eyes. You reach of my hands and say, “You are so amazing.”


“Thank you,” I whisper. Tears roll freely down my cheeks, but you are there to wipe them off with the pads of your thumbs.


“Nothing else matters to me. As long as you and Cece and Junior are here… It’s all I need. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. The view is great from here.”


You know that I’m already hormonal, why are you being so sweet?


“C’mon,” you say standing up. “We have to be up in a few hours.”


I nod. I just let you pull me up the stairs and into our room. You tell me you’ll be right back because you’re just going to check on Cece. I lie on the bed and wait for you. I think about what you just told me. Maybe I’m just a cliché pregnant woman and these insecurities will pass. I think about Cece sleeping in her new room. I think about our little guy fluttering inside my belly. I think about the dog that just wanted a safe place to keep his bone. I think about your list. I think about what Robert said today…..


When you come back you just hold me. You don’t say anything. You know I have to come to terms with everything swirling in my head on my own. Maybe I need to find a secure place for deposit these thoughts, but like the dog, I can’t find one.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading.


Dedeen is the author of 20 other stories.
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