238 days. It has been 238 days since he left her in their dark office before leaving her altogether without so much as a goodbye. She’s still not sure what excuse he gave to Michael for leaving, a new job, a change of scenery, wanting to get away from Dwight. Whatever he said, she knows he lied. He didn’t leave because of anything Michael, Dwight, or Scranton, Pennsylvania did to him. She knows that he left because of her. Because after turning her world completely upside down, she was scared and confused and said the only thing she knew was certain of in that moment; she was going to marry Roy. She knows she broke his heart, probably shattered it by the look on his face before he turned and walked out of her life. But her heart broke that night, too. She lost her partner in crime, her best friend, and the man she loves because she was too scared to screw everything up.

And then he came back, and she thought maybe, just maybe, things could work out. She would tell him everything. Invite him to coffee, tell him how she felt on casino night, why she rejected him. Tell him all about her transformation over the summer, how she broke up with Roy for herself but also because of him. Tell him about how happy she was when he called for Kevin but she picked up instead and they talked like they weren’t three states away, and how she counted down the minutes once she heard he was transferring back to Scranton because maybe she could get her best friend back. Maybe she could even get something more out of it if he still loved her too. Because she wasn’t scared and confused anymore. She was Fancy New Beesly who knew how she felt now and wanted Jim to know too.

So, she curled her hair, put on her new sweater, and didn’t hide her excitement when she saw him walk through the door. She hugged him and the way he held her brought all the memories from casino night rushing back. She felt a little lightheaded, so her response was a little breathier than she meant when he clarified he was joking about being new here. Which should have been her first red flag that he’s changed. He never had to tell her that he was joking before, he always just figured she knew. Then she noticed he dressed differently. His sleeves were rolled down and he even wore blazers to work sometimes. He started only drinking water, because he’s “evolving,” so grape soda is out of the picture.

And then he turned her down for coffee. Claims that he’s “still settling,” but it’s been two months and coffee never came. Every day that passed, her hopes of him asking her when they could go get a drink grew smaller and smaller until eventually, she gave up completely. He was with Karen now, after all. So, they could be coworkers, maybe friends on a good day, but she knew now that they could never be the same. He wouldn’t let them be.

She should hate him. She should be glad that he hardly looks at her anymore, let alone talks to her. It shouldn’t bother her that he moved on, got a pretty new girlfriend who always knows what she wants in life and how to get it. She shouldn’t be grasping at straws, holding onto every miniscule moment that reminds her of what they used to be. When he transferred back to Scranton and, for a split second, actually looked as happy to see her as she was to see him. When he “helped” Andy ask her out by telling him everything she hated, but she couldn’t help but smile because Jim remembers those little things about her. When he changed his mind and accepted her Christmas gift, helping her finish off Dwight’s CIA prank. Those moments when he would seemingly forget that their relationship has changed, and he would look at her and smile and maybe even crack a joke.

She should hate him because he left her, blindsided and confused. Because he never reached out to her while he was gone, even when she tried to reach out to him at Kelly’s Diwali party. Because he has been so hot and cold towards her since May, joking about three kitchens and egging Michael on together as he did Prison Mike, and then turning around and acting like she doesn’t exist a few minutes later. 

She doesn’t hate him, though. She hates his new persona and how he acts towards her, but she doesn’t hate him, no matter how much she may want to. If she hated him, then she could move on. She could forget about paper doves and yogurt lids, about grilled cheese sandwiches and yearbook pictures. She could forget about teal teapots and fabric softener. Most importantly, she could forget about poker nights, parking lot confessions, and Jim’s lips on hers.

But she can’t forget any of those things. So, she sits and stares at the back of his head for longer than is probably appropriate, hoping and praying that he will get up, come eat some jellybeans, and help her with solitaire. He doesn’t, of course, but Michael comes up instead, back from his trip to Jamaica. She’s almost thankful for Michael’s antics throughout the morning, from serenading her with a conch shell, to his slideshow that he tried to pull off as an inspirational meeting, to spreading a picture of a topless Jan to the whole office. She’s not exactly sure why she is still trying so hard to get back onto Jim’s good side, but she is, and she figures this is enough chaos that she can bring it up without seeming like she’s trying too hard to talk to him.

She watches him walk back to the breakroom and follows behind five minutes later. Her tea has been empty for over an hour now, but she waited until he would be alone in order to go talk to him. She didn’t expect him to look so upset once she walked through the door to the annex, though. She suspected something was going on between him and Karen today, they’ve barely spoken to each other and she opted to sit next to Creed during Michael’s meeting when there was a chair open right next to Jim. But he didn’t seem too bothered by it until now. She considered turning back before he saw her, figuring she was probably the last person he wanted to talk about his relationship with, but maybe if she could get him to open up, he’d take one step closer to being her Jim again.

So, she walks into the break room, trying to sound casual in her greetings before opting for coffee as her liquid courage and then asking if everything’s okay. She tries not to feel bummed that he seems to be trying to brush her off, only giving one to two word answers, but he was never one to talk about his relationships with her before, anyway, so she presses on.

“You sure?”

“Yeah… yes.” He pauses and she thinks the conversation is over before he continues, “It’s just… this stupid fight with Karen.”

“Oh. Did you want to talk about it?”

“Really?”

She quickly finishes fixing up her coffee and sits down next to him. She feels like she hasn’t sat this close to him since he first came back to Scranton. She takes a second to sip her coffee and tries to imagine that she’s not just about to help the man she loves fix his relationship with another woman before asking, “So, what’s going on?”

“Karen’s been living in a hotel while she tries to find a place down here. There have been a few places she’s considered but they all fell through in one way or another. But now there’s this new complex that’s down the street from me.”

“Okay..”

“Don’t get me wrong, I like Karen, obviously, but it almost seems like she wants to live as close as possible.”

Pam shrugs and picks at the handle of her mug. “Well, she did move down here to be with you.”

“Only partially. She moved because of the job, mostly.”

“Jim, Stamford is way bigger than Scranton. Karen wouldn’t have had an issue finding somewhere else to work.”

He smirks, “I guess. I mean, who wouldn’t move across three states for a guy like me?”

She rolls her eyes but can’t help but smile when she sees his grin. “Nevermind, maybe she did just move down for the job.”

He chuckles and stares at his coffee for a moment before looking back up at her, “So, I don’t know. We’ve been dating a month, right? Same street, that might be a little close. A little bit much.”

She tries to keep the smile she feels inside her from coming out, but isn’t able to hold back all the way, because he is being a little ridiculous, but also, God, she’s missed just talking to him.  But he catches her smiling and asks, “What?” so she tries to be serious again, because he’s opening up to her and that’s all she’s ever wanted since he walked out of the Dunder Mifflin doors back in May. So, she erases the smile and shrugs, “How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?”

He sighs, keeping his eyes on his cup that he keeps picking at, “Yeah, I guess.”

It almost physically pains her to do this. To tell him to let her move in down the street. To convince him to have Karen be as close as she wants. But friends help friends, so she continues, “Honestly? I think you should go easy on her.”

He seems to consider this for a moment. If she allowed herself to overanalyze, which she usually does, she would say he almost looks disappointed in her advice. But he shakes his head a little and then smiles at her. “Hey. Thanks, a lot.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” She can feel the conversation coming to an end, but she doesn’t want him to leave. She knows that once they leave this room, he’s going to go back to “Evolved Jim” and right now it almost feels like he’s just regular Jim. So, she quickly follows up with what she originally came to talk to him about, “I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell… which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!”

“Oh, yeah, how have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping?”

He laughs and she hates how cheesy and cliché it sounds but it’s like music to her ears. It’s not his full laugh, the one that reminds her of Flonkerton and Dundies ceremonies, the one she loves the most, but it’s close, and she will take what she can get. They talk about how Jan could have possibly agreed to go with Michael Scott to Jamaica (he paid her, she was drugged, and she thought she was going with someone else were a few options) when Angela walks in and Jim decides that that’s his cue to leave.

He doesn’t talk to her the rest of the day, not that she’s really surprised. He does smile at her when he grabs something from the copier, though, so she’s in a better mood than she usually is when they start heading down to the warehouse for inventory. She finds it almost bittersweet when she overhears Jim a couple aisles over trying to explain to Andy the game her and Jim would play every year while taking inventory. She’s glad that he remembers their stupid little game that made inventory almost fun, but upset that he’s finding someone else to play it with.

She finds herself silently playing along, so distracted with trying to listen in on Jim and Andy’s conversation that she doesn’t even see Karen walk up to her until she’s speaking.

“I think I owe you one.”

“Sorry?”

“For talking sense into Halpert. The Days Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.”

“Oh, no, don’t worry about it. I mean… he was being ridiculous.”

“Yeah. But, thanks. Seriously.”

“Sure.”

She was able to keep it together for all of four minutes before handing her scan gun to Kevin and walking out the side door and collapsing on the bench. She tries to close her eyes and stop the tears she can feel are on the edge of coming out before finally giving in and crying into the palms of her hands.

She usually tries not to cry over him. She realizes that she is an adult who shouldn’t be having such strong emotions over her supposedly best friend having a girlfriend. But then she thinks about how much she had messed up. If she had just seen all the signs he gave her. How he shared all his prank ideas with only her. When he made Michael change her Dundies award. How he knew her favorite yogurt and chip flavors. The look on his face when he saw that she got back the teapot. That moment on the booze cruise when she was so scared that he was going to kiss her but also a little disappointed that he didn’t. How he played along with her silly games like making up diseases or jinx because it made her happy.

Mostly, if she had just paid attention to how he looked at her during casino night. Really, how he looked at her ever since they had met. Maybe if she had realized what was right in front of her, she wouldn’t have been so scared when he finally spilled his heart out to her. If she had just taken a leap, trusted her gut, and followed her heart back in May then she wouldn’t be sitting in this overheated hallway that smells like bleach and fake lavender, sobbing over a man who loved her so deeply but she let slip away.

But the reality is that she didn’t do any of those things. So, he moved away and moved on. And now she’s alone and crying harder because not only did he move on, but she just helped him strengthen his current relationship, her hopes of ever being with him diminishing even further.

“Pam?”

She looks up and sees Jim standing a few feet away, confusion and concern written on his face. He steps closer when he sees that she’s crying so she quickly wipes her eyes and looks down, playing with the hem of her skirt. “I’m fine.”

He chuckles, kneeling down in front of her. “Clearly. Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Jim. I just… needed a moment.”

“What happened? Did you get hurt?”

“No, no. Just, I’m fine. You can go back.”

“Pam… c’mon. I know you. What happened?”

This time she chuckles, though hers is humorless, and then finally looks up at him. “That’s the thing, Jim. You don’t know me. Not like you used to, anyway.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you really that blind? You cannot look at me and tell me we’re the same people we were eight months ago. We’ve barely spoken a dozen words to each other since you came back from Stamford. We’ve changed. And, honestly, I don’t like who you’ve become.”

He scrunches his eyebrows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She shakes her head and stands up, wiping her face with her sleeve once more before turning to walk back towards the warehouse. “Nothing. Forget it. I’ll see you out there.”

He grabs her arm before she reaches the door and turns her around. “Pam, wait. I know things have been a little weird between us, but I thought we were still friends.”

“Yeah, I thought so too. But you’re so back and forth with me, I don’t know what to do anymore. One second you’re ignoring me and can’t even look me in the eye and then the next you’re joking around with me and opening up to me. It’s confusing and it hurts, so I’m done.”

“You’re done?”

She closes her eyes and tries to memorize the feeling of his hand still on her arm before she shakes her arm loose from his grip and steps back, looking at him. “Yeah, I’m done. I’m done holding onto the hope that you’ll walk through the door and up to my desk and help me with my FreeCell game. I’m done waiting for you to look at me and make a face when Michael is acting crazy like you used to. I’m done trying to figure out why you won’t look at me or talk to me or—” She stops and takes a deep breath as her voice starts growing shaky, slowly letting it out before saying quietly, “I’m done pretending that we’re best friends. Because I can’t handle that anymore.” She turns again and gets to the door, only stopping when Jim calls her name once more. She doesn’t look at him, but whispers what as she places her hand on the door handle.

She hears him take a step closer before stopping himself and even though she isn’t looking at him she knows that he’s running a hand through his hair as he tries to figure out what to say. It feels like an eternity passes before he finally breaks the silence. “Can we talk about this? Please? I’ll do anything.”

She considers sitting back down, telling him everything she wanted to tell him during coffee that first day that he came back. She almost does it, giving in to him like she so badly wants to do. But she can’t. And this time it’s not because she’s engaged or taken off guard or even because she’s scared that he’ll confirm that he really doesn’t like her anymore. This time it’s because she can’t raise her hopes that he’ll come back to her only for him to walk in to work tomorrow hand in hand with Karen, acting as if tonight never happened. She can’t risk having her heart broken once again. So, she shakes her head and turns to look at him one last time. “If you want to do something to help, then just leave me alone.”

She leaves quickly, not wanting to see his reaction or let him say anything that might change her mind. She’s thankful that the warehouse is empty now, everyone having finished inventory and, after glancing at the clock, supposedly going home. She takes the stairs back to the office, having full intentions to grab her purse and jacket, go home, and drink until she has to call off tomorrow. But something comes over her and before she knows it, she’s sitting down at Jim’s desk.

She looks over his desk, taking in all of its contents. It’s less cluttered than it used to be, she supposes that’s part of his evolving. He has the same pictures in their frames, though the one with his brother has a small chip in it now, probably from moving twice. Her heart tears a little more when she realizes his Office Olympics medal is no longer on display, though she’s more so surprised that she had just noticed that now rather than the fact that it’s not here anymore.

She knows that she shouldn’t, but she opens his top drawer. She knows this is where he kept a notebook with prank ideas, and she wonders if he still has it. If he does, maybe the real Jim is somewhere inside of him. And although she really is done with this new Jim, she’s still in love with the old Jim, and she wants to know if he is still here, hiding behind bottled water and a new job title.

But all she finds are sales reports, a couple pens, and some extra printer paper. She sighs and closes the drawer a little harder than she had meant to before resting her elbows on the desk and then her head in her hands. She can’t believe that he was gone for less than six months and yet he was able to become someone she barely recognizes anymore.

She’s not sure how long she sits there, eventually leaning back in his chair and staring blankly at his desk, as if she was waiting for it to reveal something new, something that will tell her what to do next. She’s just about to give up and actually go home when she hears the door open and she jumps a little, turning to see Jim walk into the office.

Her eyebrows furrow as she turns to face him fully. “Jim? What are you still doing here?”

He shrugs a little, putting his coat that was hanging over his arm onto the couch. “I saw your car was still out front and the office lights were on. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I already told you I’m fine. I’m over it.”

“Over what?”

She pauses, unsure with how honest she wants to be. She could just leave, he can’t stop her. But she’s looking at him and there’s something in his eyes that reminds her of how they used to be and she figures if she really is going to move on, leave this all in the past, then she should lay it all out for him. Do her own version of casino night, handing over her heart and letting him decide what to do with it, just like he did to her. So, she leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees before saying, “Fighting for you. I’m over fighting for you, Jim. I’ve been trying so hard ever since you came back from Stamford to get back to how we used to be. I went along with your prank against me with Andy. I set up this big prank for you to finish for Christmas. I tried getting along with your girlfriend. I helped you out when you didn’t know what to do earlier today. I’ve been trying this whole time to get you to come back but all you do is push me away.”

“I can’t just pretend that what happened that night wasn’t real. I told you then, Pam, and it’s still true now. I can’t be your friend anymore, at least not like how we used to be. I don’t want that.”

“I know. You’ve moved on, and that’s fine. I’m not trying to break you and Karen up.” She sighs, running a hand over her face before continuing, “But I miss you. Every day, I dread coming to work because Dwight is going to be annoying and Michael is going to cause some sort of chaos, and before it used to be manageable because we could joke about it and vent to each other. But now I have to deal with it alone.”

“I miss that too.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re perfectly happy with your new position and your new girlfriend and your new life and that you couldn’t care less about me.”

“C’mon. Pam, you know that’s not true.”

“How would I know that, Jim? I’ve memorized the back of your head to the point where I can tell which days you shower now because you make sure not to face me. The only times you speak to me are when Michael makes you or if the copier breaks. I’m ecstatic if I manage to get a smile or a small joke out of you when that used to be all I knew. You used to spend more time at my desk than yours most days but now you’re only up here to get your coat or receive messages.”

“That’s only because—”

“I know, it’s because I hurt you back in May. But I needed time, Jim. I should have seen it before, I realize that now, but the reality is that I didn’t. I didn’t see everything you did to try to get me to realize how you felt. So, when you told me that you love – loved – me, I felt my world shatter. I didn’t know what to do, so I panicked and said the only things I knew in that moment. I knew that I couldn’t love you back because I was engaged. I knew that your friendship meant the world to me. I knew that I was planning on marrying Roy. What I didn’t know was that I was about to lose my best friend that night.”

“I couldn’t watch you marry him. Pam, you were destroying me. The closer June tenth came, the worse it got. I couldn’t sleep, I lost my appetite and when I did eat, I couldn’t taste anything. I had to watch you be with him for years while I sat in the background, and the thought of watching you marry Roy had me sick to my stomach. So, when you said you were still going to marry him, I had to leave. I wouldn’t have been able to take it.”

“But you didn’t even tell me. I had to find out from Michael after seeing your desk cleaned off. I left early that day because I thought you hated me, and I couldn’t take the thought of that.”

“Why are you sitting at my desk?”

Her eyebrows scrunch together, taken aback by the sudden change in topic. “What?”

He gestures to where she’s sitting, “My desk. Why are you sitting there?”

She looks over at his desk, as if having to remind herself that she is where he says she is, before standing up, but she looks at the floor instead of back at him. “I don’t know. I just… I was hoping I could find something that proved that you haven’t completely changed. If I found something, then I thought maybe there’s still hope, and if there’s not then I know it’s really over. And I know that sounds kind of crazy, but your medal isn’t here anymore, and neither is your notebook and it’s—”

“They’re in the bottom drawer.”

She lifts her head up and meets his eyes, “What?”

“The medal, the notebook, a couple of your sketches, they’re all in the bottom drawer.” He walks over and pulls open the drawer in question, lifting up a couple of folders to reveal all the things she thought he had gotten rid of. He sets the folders down on his desk and then looks at her. “I couldn’t get rid of them, but I couldn’t have them where I can see them all the time.”

“Why did you keep them?”

“Weren’t you hoping that I did?”

“Well, yeah… but I also wouldn’t have blame you if you had thrown them away.”

“I kept them because I need the reminders of who we were. I know it may not seem like it, but it kills me to sit here every day, three feet away from you, and not be how we were before. I don’t talk to you or look at you or joke with you because I can’t risk becoming only your best friend again. I miss being your best friend, honestly I do, but I can’t do it again. It would literally kill me this time, Pam. But I keep these because then I get to remember the feeling of planning pranks and having lunches with you when I want to without worrying that it’ll all come crashing down again.”

“What if I didn’t want to be just your best friend this time?”

He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything. That’s why I texted you during Kelly’s Diwali party. That’s why I invited you out for coffee when you transferred back. It’s why I have held on to every miniscule moment these past few months where for just a split second, my best friend was back. It’s why I’m not Pam Anderson right now. You’re the reason I called off the wedding, Jim. There were a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t have married Roy, but the truth is, I didn’t care about any of those reasons until I met you. I was stupid on casino night. I loved you then, but I just didn’t allow myself to give in to it. But now I am. And I get that you’re with Karen and that you don’t love me anymore and that’s fine but I miss you and I—”

Before she can finish, his hands are on her cheeks and his lips are crashing onto hers. She’s stunned, but only for a second before she wraps her arms around his neck, lacing her fingers through his hair and pulling him closer to her. He wraps his arms around her back and she’s suddenly back in a periwinkle dress and their office is dark and he’s holding on to her for dear life when she remembers that this isn’t May, it’s not casino night, and she’s not engaged anymore. So, she slides her tongue across his bottom lip and he quickly opens his mouth, meeting his tongue with hers as he pushes her back against the desk. It’s not until he moves his hands to her waist and starts kissing down her neck that she pulls away just enough to look at him.

“You need to go talk to Karen.”

He looks taken aback for a second, seemingly forgetting that he has a girlfriend, before nodding and stepping back slightly, though he keeps hands where they are. “Right. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I just… we need to do this right. No fiancés or girlfriends in the way this time.”

He smiles, “You’re right.” He kisses her quickly once more before turning to walk to the couch and grab his coat.

She takes a moment to let what just happened sink in before pushing herself off of the desk, grabbing her coat and purse, and following him out the door. She waits until the elevator doors close before asking, “So, you never did get back to me about meeting up for coffee after work sometime.”

“You’re absolutely right. Are you free on Friday?”

“Yes.”

“Great. Then, it’s a date.”

She grins, walking through the door and into the cold air. As he walks her to her car, she looks back at the spot in the parking lot she hasn’t had the courage to look at in a long time. The spot where her whole life would change in a matter of five words. She hated this parking lot for a long time, only being able to associate losing everything she knew and loved because of that spot. But now she looks over at Jim, who is opening her door for her and telling her when and where she will pick her up on Friday, and now she couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. She’s just glad that her casino night confession had a better ending.