Pam

“God, Roy.  Why do you have to be so interpretive?”  

Why did Roy have to just freak out over Jim holding my hand.  We were playing a prank for Pete’s sake.  

Though in the deepest part of my mind, I admitted that I liked the feel of Jim’s large firm hand over mine.  But I will never say that out loud.  

“Interpretive?  I just see what’s there.  Halpert is just an annoying little prick who is trying to steal my girlfriend”, Roy boomed.  

I roll my eyes.  I am his fiancé for one thing, but also that is far from the truth.  Jim is too much of a good person to do that.  He has too much integrity.  It’s one of the things I like about him.  Also I haven’t heard about him in a relationship since about a month after we met.  And that only lasted 2 weeks.  So I don’t think he would do anything like that.  I feel like he isn’t interested in romance.  Neither is Roy.  All he wants to do is watch sports, drink, and argue with me.  

“Roy, Jim and I were just playing a prank.  You don’t have to be so jealous.”  

“No.  I could see the lust in his eyes.”  I laugh openly at that.  There is no way someone like Jim could be interested in me.  A funny, kind, and certainly attractive guy wouldn’t be interested in the mousy boring receptionist.  I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks when I realize my descriptions of Jim.  

Roy just stares at me with a look of pure fury.  “You think this is funny?  Huh, Pammy?”  I wince at the nickname that I have come to hate.  “Well it isn’t.”  

I feel anger rising within, angry at why he cares so much about our relationship now that someone else seems like a threat.  “Why would you care even if Jim was trying to ‘cop a feel’?”  

A blazing anger flashes within his pupils.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”  

I laugh heartlessly.  “Lately, all you do is ‘watch the game’ and just ignore me.  It seems like you would rather go play poker instead of hanging out with your fiancé.”  I say the last word with authority.  “It looks like you just want to get rid of me!”  He just laughs.  

“You’re sometimes crazy as hell, Pammy.  I’m gonna go to Poor Richards.”  He storms out without another word.  I sigh in frustration.  He just proved my point, and doesn’t even care.  I slide to the floor, sobbing.  I wish Jim were here.  He could make me laugh with his jokes and his smiles and just being him.  God, that hand over mine did feel good.  What point in my relationship did I reach that any sexual activity with my fiancé is worse than hand holding with another man.  God, that’s bad.  Or is it good?  Is it actually a sign of another relationship not this one?

Jim

I hate my life.  I have a dead end job, no clue what to do with my future, and of course I am hopelessly in love with a woman who I will never have.  A woman who is the girl of my dreams.  The love of my life.  And I will never get her, because she is with someone who doesn’t deserve her.  I probably don’t deserve her either.  Who is deserving of Pam Beesly?  She is the complete package.  

And of course today I get caught up in the moment and hold her hand.  But, it sure did feel amazing.  To feel her soft creamy skin against mine.  It may have been the bottom row of my fantasies of Pam and I, but still.  It was probably even worth it for the aftermath.  I really hope Roy doesn’t suspect anything.  I hope he was just jealous for a quick moment.  Because if Pam finds out my love for her and ignores me for the rest of my life?  My life will be over.  I can’t bear to lose her friendship.  That is why I will never tell her about my feelings unless Roy is out of the picture.  But that won’t ever happen.  Pam, for some strange reason unbeknownst to me, is loyal to Roy no matter how he treats her.  Does he make her laugh every single goddamn day?  Does he support her art?  Does he see the amazing gift he has?  No!  

And that’s why I am just in my bedroom, while Mark, Nate, and Brady are playing poker in the living room.  I just can’t bear to face anyone.  Not after today.  Not after another reminder of what I can’t have.

I take a deep breath.  I really hope it isn’t awkward this morning.  Or that Pam has listened to Roy and realized that I am no mere friend to be with.  

I walk inside the office to see Stanley, Angela, Oscar, and Pam.  God, She is so beautiful.  I walk up to the coat rack and put my coat.  I give her curt good morning and walk back to my desk.  

“Jim.  C’mere.”  I turn around to Pam and walk back to her desk.  I grab a green jellybean and turn my head to listen.  She gives me a soft smile.  “Hey, I’m sorry about Roy yesterday.”  

I wave her off.  “No.  I was outta line.”  

She chuckles.  “No you weren’t dork.”  I smile.  Glad that this is over for at least today.  A huge grin appears on her face.  “The real question is if Dwight actually dyed his hair.  I let out a laugh.  My eyes tear up.  I am so in love with this woman, I think happily.  But I will never ever have her, I think darkly but accurately.