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Author's Chapter Notes:

So at this point I'm done with "The Target", meaning "Dwight's Christmas" is next, and I cannot WAIT to write the legendary Belsnickel.  I'm really anxious to post these up, mostly because I want to get more feedback; I've said that prose is not my best medium of writing, so I want to go back in and tighten things up, both writing and plot wise.

In any case, enjoy! 

“I grew up on a farm.  I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable.” — Dwight Schrute


Andy needed a slice of humble pie.  Bad.


Throughout this last month, the reasonable, compassionate, and dorky Andy Bernard was quickly becoming rude, selfish, and worst of all, unprofessional.  He’s treated Nellie worse.  He’s barely spoken a word to Clark.  He’s belittled all his employees from time to time, but Pete got the most of it.  He still doesn’t understand why.


When the office softball tournament concluded, Andy took it upon himself to compile and show the softball highlights.  Jim didn’t care enough and just handed him all the footage.


The video was just… crass.  There was no substance, no positivity, not even humor.  Only fart noises, insulting impressions, and the word [FAIL!] plastered onto everything.  And even with Jerry’s passing, Andy couldn’t be bothered to respect the dead.


But Jim found a solution: play the video he sent to Andy.


The one who cried [FAIL!] became the true failure.  And he was a poor sport about it.


Creed proclaimed Andy’s failure with righteous indignation.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Dwight has had a rough go of it.  He finds out that a baby, a baby that he knew, he just KNEW was his… wasn’t.  Schrutes have a well-known history of being fertile, both them and their cattle.  So how is this even a possibility?  It just… makes him depressed.


Dwight may not be a father, but at the very least, he’s a landlord.


He’s checking if the building is up to code, which it is, Oscar.  Toby is sensing that there is an electromagnetic field around the office, which could easily become (or rather, is) a safety hazard; Stanley presses that he’s not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.


Dwight continues to prove the office wrong, still being as stubborn as a mule, insisting that he doesn’t need to do jack squat.  Meredith doesn’t want to lose any more “good parts” (she’s already lost her uterus).  Dwight mentions that the place would have to be shut down for a week.


“A week off?” Jim mentions, “That’d be amazing.”


With this sentence, Pam has a plan brewing.  She gets up and heads to the kitchen.  And this isn’t lost on Jim.


She pops the bag for fifteen seconds before taking it out, Darryl talking Clark into showing him how PowerPoint works.


“What’re you doing?” Darryl asks Pam.


“Getting my husband a week off of work,” Pam responds.


“You popped one kernel.”


“Yup, I did,” she says heading back to the office.


She drops her unopened popcorn bag to the floor, slides it under Dwight’s desk while he’s in the bathroom, and bides her time.


Jim, wanting this week off as much as Pam does, lists off a bunch of health problems to Dwight when he gets back.  Dwight doesn’t care, at worst he’ll get superpowers.  (Though he did have his doubts when fertility was mentioned.)


Pam knows what to do next.  “Hey Dwight, I dropped my bag of popcorn under your desk, can you get it for me?”


“Come on, Pam,” he reprimands, “I know you have limited dexterity but—” he suddenly notices what’s in the bag and feels it.  “Some of these kernels are already cracked.”


“That’s impossible,” she says, “that’s a brand new bag of popcorn.”  She then looks up at the ceiling.  “Oh my God!”


X marks the spot.


The next thing Dwight does is rush into Andy’s office.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Pam is worried about Jim.  He’s been quiet, not distant, but quiet.  She loves him with everything she has and wants to prove that to him.  And to her, opening doors, pushing elevator buttons, and even grape soda isn’t enough.


“Last month, Jim told me that he never called Athlead back about the offer,” she told the interviewers, “And it just proves how great of a husband and father he is.  I feel bad for thinking he would without telling me, so I need to do something huge for him.  Like… oh, I take him on a scavenger hunt to all our favorite places, leading him back to the receptionist desk where we first met!”


“I know she still feels bad,” Jim says to them, “and every time I’ve told her I’ve forgiven her she insists that she will make it up to me.  And… I wanna give her that.”  And he wants to because she matters more than Athlead.


After the popcorn plan was a success, Jim notices her moving eyebrows, falling even more in love with her.


“Beesly, oh my God!” he exclaims quietly.


He walks over and perches at her desk, Pam wearing a grin equal parts loving and mischievous.


“That was… brilliant.”


“I learned from the best,” she says with a smile.


“So, what did you want to do for the week off?” he asks.


“I was thinking we’d drive up to the lake, and give you a whole week on the water, just you, me, and the kids.”


Just what he needs, time out of this office.  Another reason to have not called Mark back.  “That sounds amazing.”


“Oh!  And we can stop by the pie stand on the way.”


“You mean Laverne’s Pies Tires Fixed Also?” Jim asks.  She nods.  “Yes, we’ll be doing that, we’ll be getting a dozen.”


As the couple lists all the pies they’ll get on the way, Andy announces that their complaints have been heard, and Dwight has just the solution.


The Work Bus!


“Say goodbye to wasteful buildings,” Dwight advertises to the camera, “These days a mobile office isn’t just for hotshot politicians.  Now anyone can rent a work bus.  If you’ve got a parking lot, a workspace is just a phone call away.  In this age of belt-tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.”


The anger amongst his coworkers is palpable.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Nellie is anxious.  She wants this, more than anything in the world.  She knows she’ll be a good mother, and will give that child the life that they deserve.  She needs a character reference from her employer to adopt a baby.  She’s already written the letter, so all she needs now is a signature from her employer.


From Andy.


From ‘Dem-Andy’.


Pam told Nellie the other day that if she can’t get it to sign it, she will.  Pam’s about had it with Andy, especially when Jim told him about turning down Athlead and he responded with “Wow, Big Tuna tempted to travel through uncharted waters.  Talk about loyalty, am I right?”  If looks could kill, he would have died by an anvil with ‘PAM’ written on it.


This statement about loyalty from Andy will become the definition of irony.


Erin notices what’s going on with Nellie.  She knows she wants to be a mother.  Nellie can give someone a home… something that Erin’s always wanted.  Nellie may have the ire of her boyfriend, but Erin has total respect for her.


Andy allows Nellie in but uses the minute hourglass on her, again.  She lets her explain, quickly, what he needs from him.


“And are you sure this isn’t some sort of plagiarism entrapment scheme?” He asks slowly.


“It’s not Andy, and I know I haven’t been the nicest to you, but I will give this child—”


With three seconds on the clock, he interrupts her with an “I’ll think about it.”  The minute was up.  With a quiet “Thank you”, she’s back to her desk.


“Sure, I’ll read her letter,” he tells the interviewer, “and if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah I’ll sign that.”


The doc crew doesn’t say anything, as is in their contract, but they already suspect that this is not about Nellie.


In the Work Bus, Erin notices what Nellie is writing.


“Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard,” Erin reads.


“Oh, of course,” Nellie remembers, “You were adopted.”


Erin laughs it off, “I wish!  No, I um, I made some shortlists.  I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone.  I don’t know what it was.  Not loveable maybe?  Oh well.”


The topic never fails to punch her in the gut.  It trained her for rejection, for being let down.  Though she has a veneer of this happy-go-lucky innocent youth, she just wants to be loved and love others.  She wants a family, a real honest-to-God family.  She doesn’t think she deserves one, but sometimes she considers that she does.  Now she has the power to help give those children a family, a life she never had.


Nellie just feels for the poor girl, but maybe this will motivate her.  “Listen, I’m really struggling with this form.  But as you know the system, you think maybe you could—?”


“Absolutely,” Erin agrees, “I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.”


“Oh thank you so much!” Nellie tells her.  She glances over at Pam, and they both smile.


Throughout the day, Erin and Nellie ready the letter to send to Andy.  And Nellie gives her the best compliment ever: “I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five-year-old again.  I would snap you up.”


Erin wishes that could happen.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


The more people spend time on that damn bus, the more snippy they become.


“I’m so sorry for all of this,” Pam tells Jim, crestfallen.


“It’s okay, sweetie,” he says while rubbing her arm, “You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest, right?”


She can’t help but smile at his optimism.  He’s not mad at her anymore, but more so at Dwight… maybe more than he should be.


Angela’s clumsiness gets the better of her when coffee spills on Pam's dress, and she needs to get up and clean it off.  Jim goes with Pam when he notices Dwight’s smug-ass grin.


“Really? Smirking?” 


“What can I say?” Dwight says, “I love justice.  You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and now you’re locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.”


He checks his phone, it’s a text from Pam.  He glances at the notification:

Idea: Get the bus to LaVernes, then

we can pie Dwight as payback. ;P

She has the right idea.


Jim’s used to Dwight’s superiority complex after over a decade, but now it’s getting infuriating.  “Hey, Dwight.  Pam was trying to do something nice for me.  Do you mind just, helping her out?  Can we maybe take this thing somewhere?”  Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?


Dwight, ever the most stubborn being on the planet, continues to stand his ground, “It’s not my responsibility to solve your marriage issues by spending my money on gas.”


Screw Dwight.  Screw Dwight and his punchable babyface.  He should have called Mark back.


Jim has had enough.  Pam wants this to happen.  He knows why she wants this to happen.  And he’s gonna make sure she knows its happening.


“Andy!” Jim shouts.  He tells the regional manager about the pie suggestion.


After a rousing proclamation from the workers, Dwight’s argument is immediately shot down by Andy.


“The Dunder Mifflians have spoken!  Dwight, get this bus moving.”  There was much rejoicing.


As Pam re-enters the bus, Jim tells her “Next stop: Laverne’s Pies Tires Fixed Also.”


She gasps happily, looks at Jim and whispers “I know this isn’t what you wanted—”


“But it’s the next best thing,” he retorts with a smile.  He receives a myriad of high-fives as he walks back to his seat.


As Dwight stews at the driver’s seat, Pam walks over to him with a knowing smile.  “So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?”


“Get your foot behind the yellow line,” he curtly responds.


Darryl and Clark are left behind.  Their disappointment is evident, clearly.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


“Shabooyah, yah yah, shabooyah, role call!”


“My name is Pam!”

“Yeah!”

“I like to paint!”

“Yeah!”

“You think you’re better?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh no, you ain’t!”

“Roll call!”


“Shabooyah, yah yah, shabooyah, role call!”

“Shabooyah, yah yah, shabooyah, role call!”


“My name is Kevin!”

“Yeah!”

“That is my name!”

“Yeah!”

“They call me Kevin,”

“Yeah!”

“’Cause that’s my name!”

“Roll call!”


“Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!”


Dwight and Angela would rather be anywhere else.  Meanwhile, Pam notices that Jim is having the time of his life.  She did make it up to him.


Then, as if by fate, Creed shows up as a hitchhiker trying to get off work.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


As the office takes the group photo, Pam can’t help but notice Dwight.


“Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?” she asks Jim. 


“If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.”  He’s still pissed about earlier, and it’s evident. 


“No, I mean he’s sulking,” she continues, “That’s not like him.”


Jim notices this.  That isn’t like him.  “Oh, he’s just mad that we’re all having fun,” he responds. 


“Then why isn’t he scheming?  Or preparing to avenge?”

  

“He’s fine,” he tells her, “He’s indestructible.”  They both know this to be true, but she can’t help but feel guilty.


As they board the bus, Kevin does the math in his head: LaVerne’s is just barely feasible.  Dwight compounds it with them being almost out of gas and refusing to stop by a name-brand place.  Jim, annoyed that his wife won’t be getting the closure she wants, pushes him to the edge, much to Pam’s fear.  All she wants is for Jim to have fun, not make Dwight miserable.


“Dwight, we just want the pies!” Jim shouts.


“Well sorry to spoil your fantastic voyage, Jim, but it’s not happening.”


“Dwight, come on!”


Pam attempts to intervene.  “Honey, it’s okay, we can—”  It doesn’t stop Jim.


“What do we want?”

“Pies!”

“When do we want ’em?”

“Pies!”


“Okay, fine.  You win.  Jim, you win,” Dwight concedes aggressively, “We have been battling for a long time, but you know what?  You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go.  Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie.  Go buy the whole world a pie!”


The cameras catch Angela, rubbing her temple.  She knows what this is about.


“That’s impossible,” he replies.


And that was the straw.


As Dwight suddenly opens the emergency exit and crawls out, Jim realizes his mistake.  Riddled with guilt, he just tells Pam “I’ll go check on him.”


He walks on the roof of the bus and kneels to him.  “Dwight, I’m sorry for what I’ve done today, but you’re being unreasonable.  Pam just wanted to make me feel better and—”


“I’m barren, Jim.”


“...What?”


“My trouser hives are void of honey.  I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore… did not issue from my loins.  I thought I would be a father and instead, I am a eunuch.  Neutered by my own building.”


He could have just said ‘Angela’s kid isn’t mine.’


“Is this about the X on the ceiling?  Dwight, that was a prank, Pam planted the popcorn.”


“... You mean you and Pam flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?”


“No,” Jim clarifies.


Dwight lightly laughs in acknowledgment, “That’s genius.  That’s the best prank you’ve ever done.”


Jim just sighs and says “I’ll take it.”


“...Why did you two do it?”


Jim gives him the cliff notes.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Nellie is granted access to Andy’s “office” and asks him to sign.


“It’s unsignable,” Andy says.  He explains that it’s inaccurate, dishonest, and “Dongwater”.  He then sends her back and wishes her luck with her impossible dream.


“Alright then,” Nellie concedes.


Pam’s day just went from bad to worse, now tears are threatening from Nellie’s eyes.  She was about to chew Andy out… and then Erin stands up from her seat, practically rips the letter from Nellie’s hands, briskly walks over to Andy’s “desk” and nearly tears the curtain.


“You’re signing it,” she demands, keeping her voice low enough to alert the others.  (They wouldn’t listen anyway, they’re too distracted by the pie.)


“Erin—”


“No, Andy.  I don’t care how you feel about Nellie, it’s getting signed.”


“Erin, you’re making a scene.”


“I don’t care!” she shout-whispers, tears threatening to fall from her eyes, “You know how I feel about this.  Don’t do this for her, or me, or you…” she’s fighting them back, “but for the one that deserves a home.”


“Well, how do I know she’ll be a good parent?”


She’s about to break, “I’m sure she can be, but you’re not even giving her the chance.”


Then the truth floweth forth.  “Well, there are some people in this world who don’t deserve to be parents!”  He makes a face as though he’s proving a point.


Then it clicks: it was never about Nellie.  It’s about Walter Bernard, Sr.


“Andy,” she asks quietly, “Is this really about Nellie?”


He knows the answer to that question, and he doesn’t want to answer it… but he does anyway when he takes the document.


“I need to make some changes… but it’s getting signed.  And I’m sorry.”


Erin kisses him on the temple and whispers “It’s okay, you’re the best.”


She heads back to Nellie and tells her the news, Pam smiling brightly as she overhears.  After a celebratory hug, Nellie looks back at him and mouths her own ‘thank you’.  He just smiles and nods.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


“...Huh, I never realized how much that sports marketing job meant to you.” Dwight says in response to his reasoning.

 

“It still does,” Jim admits. 


“At least you two have children,” Dwight mentions.


Jim never wanted to have this conversation with anyone.  Especially Dwight.  But he knows he needs to hear it.


“Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant,” Jim explains.


“Really?” Dwight asks, “How long did it take for you and Pam to conceive?”


“... That doesn’t matter.”


“What position did you use to conceive?  Regular or ‘lady on her back’?  You used ‘lady on her back’, didn’t you, freak?  Yuck, gross, nevermind Jim.”


Jim just wants the damn pie.


He attempts to put a different spin on it, not only for his sake but for Dwight’s.


“Did you ever think because you own the building… everyone in it,” he points out with a shrug, “We’re all kinda like your children.”


Dwight, gaining a whole new perspective, smiles, “You know there’s a phrase about that in German.  ‘Bildenkinder’.  Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves.  But now?  I really understand it.”


Jim smiles at the word.  It reminds him of Michael.  It’s a nice if very Schrute phrase.


“Well,” he advises Dwight, “now you have a bus full of real …bilden…kin…” 


“Bildenkinder.” 


“Okay… And they’re all dangerously close to not getting pie.  And there’s only one guy who can save them.  It’s not me.”


Dwight then realizes what he has to do for his real child: the office.


Jim slinks back down and Pam holds him steady.


“Hey,” she asks, “how’d it go?”


“It went well.”


“Really?” she asks, relieved.


“Yeah, we bonded, we got to—” the next thing he knows Dwight’s feet are on his shoulders, and he slinks into the bus, facing Pam.


“Are you okay?” Pam asks.


“Oh, I’m better than okay,” he grabs Pam’s shoulders, “You know what honey?  You and your husband are gonna enjoy yourselves and taste that sweet rhubarb pie.”  He then briskly heads to the driver’s seat.


Pam tries to clarify, “Well, rhubarb is the one flavor—”


“Don’t,” Jim stops her.


It was time for Dwight to channel his inner Sam Silver.


“Everybody!  Hang on!”


Chaos ensues.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


They finally get the damn pie, just in the nick of time.


Everyone’s having fun, enjoying their time together while eating some rural, home-made dessert.


Nellie looks longingly at a mother feeding her child some pie.  Andy comes back to her and wordlessly gives her back the letter.


“Thanks again, Andy, you didn’t—”


“I didn’t at first,” he says, “but… I can see you as a mother.  Better than a Special Projects Manager, at least!  Oho, FAIL!”  He points at her in victory then walks away.  She let him have this one.


She reads to the cameras, "‘She’s tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about.  She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.’"  With tears in her eyes, she smiles brightly and tells them “I’m gonna be a mum someday.”


And that’s how Nellie and Andy’s feud finally ended.


The Halperts enjoy themselves watching Kevin getting pied (as is his want).


“Oh my God, I’m so stuffed,” Pam says.


“Best idea ever, Beesly.”


“So, Dwight’s okay now?”


“Yeah, he is.  All I told him was I was down about Athlead and you just wanted to help.  Sorry, I overshared.”

 

“Nah, you bonded, remember?” she beams at him, “You did it.”


He beams back, “You did it.”


She compromises, “We did it.”  She then leans on his shoulder and he kisses her head.


Being part of Dwight’s Bildenkinder has its perks.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


“My name is Andy!”

“yeh.”

“I don’t do drugs!”

“yeh.”

“Now check my style!”

“yeh.”

“Of Flatt and Scruggs!”

“...yeh.”


As Andy strums his banjo, Darryl just and moves on with his day.


“Role call.”

“Role call.”

“Role call.”

“What?”


Chapter End Notes:

So, the key difference here is the JAM conflict.  They're both extremely desperate to make the other happy, which will be a constant theme in the story... and ironically fan the flames of their communication problems.

Also, Erin.  Knowing her, I was shocked that she wasn't as proactive in-canon.  Of course I see her in tears, but knowing what she's been through, she needed to tell him up front why he needs to sign it.

NEXT TIME: It's Halloween!  Dwight instigates an investigation, Andy attempts to reclaim his glory days, Oscar has a brief encounter with the Senator, and Jim makes an investment.  Look out, Treble is Coming...


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