Somehow, she had managed to compose herself before going back into the building, despite the gaping hole inside of her that Jim had left. She was amazed that it wasn’t visible from the outside, because it sure hurt like hell. She made it through the work day, and found herself at the dinner table with Roy that night. He was going on and on about some guy he and Kenny had met at a bar during their guys trip that weekend, completely oblivious of how silent and somber she had been all night.
“Pammy, I wish you could have met this guy. I mean, the dude has—-“
“I don’t want to get married.”
He stopped mid-chew and cocked his head, a look of utter confusion spread across his face.
“What did you just say?!”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. She pushed her mashed potatoes around on her plate.
“I...have been...I’ve just been thinking a lot…”
Roy stood up quickly.
“Seriously, Pam?!”
She tensed. She hated when he was angry. She knew he would never lay a finger on her, but that didn’t make her any less uncomfortable. She took a breath.
“Roy, I’m sorry. I just think we have changed. I have changed. We have just been going through motions and we aren’t the same stupid kids we were in high school anymore—“
“So now I’m stupid.”
“No! I never said that! Listen! I just..don’t feel like I used to...about us.”
She braced herself. He stared at her from across the table for what seemed like an eternity before he suddenly swatted his glass of water off the table, shards of glass spraying over the kitchen floor. Pam gasped and ran into the bedroom, her hands covering her mouth. She locked the door and tried to block out the obscenities she could hear flying out of Roy’s mouth from the kitchen. She sat on the bed, her knees hugged tightly to her chest.
She heard him grab his keys and slam the front door and exhaled, not realizing she had been holding her breath. She decided she didn’t want to be there either. Grabbing her car keys, she headed out.
After about an hour of mindlessly driving around Scranton, she reluctantly headed back to her apartment. She saw Roy’s truck as she pulled in and prepared herself for the argument that she was about to dive into. As she opened the door, she found Roy on his hands and knees, sweeping up the shards of glass from the kitchen floor. He looked up and to her surprise, showed no signs of anger. Just defeat and sadness.
“Hey,” he said, standing up.
“Hi.”
“Pam, I…” he cleared his throat. “I love you, babe.”
She stepped toward him. “I know. I love you too.”
Roy’s face relaxed with relief. Barely audible, Pam continued.
“Just not enough.”
He dropped his head. He walked over to her and enveloped her into a tight hug. She was familiar with the way it felt to be in his arms. It was comfortable, like wearing that pair of shoes you’ve had for years that have basically molded to the shape of your feet. For a split second she wondered if she was having second thoughts. But then the image of Jim flashed in her mind and how being in his arms that night felt more like home than any hug Roy had ever given her. She knew what she had to do.
They spent the next four hours talking, arguing, crying, embracing, yelling, and everything in between. Through all of it, Pam didn’t mention Jim at all. For the obvious reasons, yes, but also because she couldn’t bear to think about him right now.
—————-
Pam rang the doorbell. It was 1:36 a.m. By her side was a suitcase of nearly everything she owned, with four more boxes crammed in her car. She heard the deadbolt turn and the door open.
“Hi, mom,” she sniffled. “Can I stay here for a little while?”
She melted into her mom’s arms, knowing her mom completely understood what that meant. She felt the gentle stroke of her mom’s hand on the back of her head as her mom whispered in her ear, “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so proud of you.”
Chapter End Notes:
This chapter was a tough balance. We all know Roy was an idiot with a temper, but I needed there to be a little hint of emotion for him as well. Hopefully it came across.
