Jim grabbed his sandwich from his desk and walked across the hallway to meet Pam for lunch. He poked his head in her doorway.
“Hey, Beesly. You ready?”
She startled and looked at him. “Sorry,” she shook her head briefly. “Guess I zoned out.” She shifted on her feet and fiddled with her fingers. “Actually,” she said, “I asked Phyllis to teach my last two class periods. I was going to head home. Not feeling well,” she shrugged.
He frowned and walked over to her. “Really?” He put the back of his hand on her forehead. “I’m sorry, Bees. Can I do anything for you?”
“No, I think I just need to rest,” she said quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. “Probably just a migraine coming on.”
“Okay…” he hugged her. “You sure you’re alright?”
She nodded meekly and turned to grab her purse. “See you tomorrow?”
“I can come over later if you want. Bring you some dinner or something?”
She gave him a half smile. “It’s really okay. I’ll probably just be sleeping and I never have much of an appetite when I get migraines anyway.”
He furrowed his brow. “If you’re sure. Let me know if you change your mind, okay?”
“Okay.” She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him lightly on the cheek and walked out the door as Jim followed her with his eyes, a feeling of confusion creeping in. Something about that interaction definitely felt disconnected. He slowly exited her classroom with knitted brows and decided just to eat lunch in his classroom.
Between each bite, he replayed the last few times they had been together, trying to remember if he had said or done something that would have caused her to be upset with him, because it felt like she might be. But every memory was filled with jokes and kisses and whispered affections. They had disagreements in the past, mostly when either one of them was low on sleep, but the last few weeks had actually felt pretty blissful. She hadn’t mentioned anything more about her visions of their future together, but she seemed pretty clear on Valentine’s Day that she was serious about being in it for the long haul, picket fence and all. He picked up his phone.
Hey. I love you.
Love you too.
He didn’t feel any better.
The end of the day came, even though it felt like it dragged on for days. He sat down at his desk and rested his chin on the palm of his hand, staring at the picture of them sitting next to each other at the piano on Christmas Eve that Larissa had candidly snapped of them at the cabin. Sometimes the love he felt for Pam made him physically ache, like his chest couldn’t contain the sensation and was threatening to burst. She made the gray and mundane come to life, just like one of her paintings. Once a blank canvas, now his life was swirling with color.
He suddenly decided he needed to see her today. Maybe it was just a migraine, but the last time she had one, she had begged him to stay, claiming he gave her endorphins and that it helped her feel better. Still, he googled as many migraine remedies he could find and headed to the store. For the first time he felt grateful his basketball team had gotten slaughtered in the first game of the playoffs so he didn’t have to wait until after practice to see her.
He roamed through the aisles of the store, unable to really concentrate on anything. Pulling out the list he had scribbled down back at school, he made sure he picked up everything she might need to feel better, but still felt like he needed something more. There was a small pit in his stomach as he continued to fester over her deflated demeanor back in her classroom and he wanted desperately to see her smile--to reassure him that things were okay.
He made his way to the peanut butter aisle and smiled to himself when he saw the jar of “Goober Grape”, which was peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. He recalled one particular trip to the store with Pam, where she ranted the whole way home after seeing it on the shelf. (“And what a horrible name for a product you’re supposed to consume! Also, who’s lazy enough that they need them in the SAME jar. Seriously, Jim, do you not even care about this atrocity?!”) He knew it might not help her migraine, but he picked up a jar anyway, hoping that it would at least lift her spirits remembering that night.
“Okay,” he muttered to himself out loud in the car outside her condo. “We have various forms of caffeine, we have medication, we have peppermint oil, ice packs…can’t even pronounce that herb...should be good.”
He took a deep breath and walked to her door. She had given him a key but he wasn’t sure if he should use it right now. He felt so disjointed, for the first time since they had started dating, all based on one small interaction back at the school. But he knew Pam, and he knew something was off. He knocked softly a few times.
He heard the deadbolt unlock and Pam slowly cracked the door.
“Hey,” Jim started, “I brought some stuff...didn’t know if you’d be--Pam?”
Her eyes were puffy and red and she was holding a wad of tissues in her right hand. She sniffed and quickly tried to hide the fact that she had so obviously been crying.
“Jim, sorry...I thought you were the delivery guy…”
“Pam,” his shoulders sank and he looked at her intently. “What’s going on?” He reached out his hand to stroke her cheek that was so obviously streaked with tears.
She tried to fake a smile for him but ended up taking in a big, shuddering breath as she shrugged feebly. “I’m fine.”
Jim pulled her into a hug. “That’s obviously not true, Beesly. You going to tell me what’s wrong?”
She let out a little sob into his chest, gripping his shirt with her fists.
“I’m late.”
It took about three seconds to register what she meant but then instantly his stomach was in his throat.
“Oh.”
That was all he could think to say. She started crying harder into his shirt and he kicked himself for being such an idiot.
“Hey…hey.” He squeezed her tighter and then pulled away to look her in the eyes. “Let’s go sit down, okay?”
She nodded and he took her hand to lead her to the couch. They sat down and Pam wiped her eyes with her sleeves.
“Are you...sure?” Jim asked carefully.
Pam nodded and looked at their hands, fingers still intertwined. “Yeah, I realized it today during my first class. I should have started my period four days ago, at least. Jim…” She started crying again. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, no, no...Pam,” he scooted closer to her and put his hands on the sides of her face. “This isn’t your fault. I am very much an equal part of this equation, okay?”
“I mean, we’re always careful…”
“I know,” he whispered.
She stared up at him, eyes still brimming with tears that he wished he could simply kiss away and make it all better. “What are we going to do?” she uttered quietly.
The question bounced off the walls of Jim’s brain. As far as he was concerned, Pam was his future. A family with her was his future. He hadn’t planned on it this soon. But…
“It’s going to be okay,” he said against her hair as he kissed the top of her head. “Have you taken a test?”
She shook her head quickly. “No, I bought one but I couldn’t get myself to take it.”
Jim stroked her cheek. “Pam...you know you could have told me, right? I would have been over here as soon as you realized. Angela, or even Michael could have stepped in for me.”
She sat silent for a minute. “I thought you would be mad,” she whispered.
“Mad? Pam, I’m...I’m not mad. This may not be our ideal timing but...I’m not mad. At all. I kills me to think you were here alone dealing with this.”
She sniffed and wiped her face with her sleeve again. “I know...it’s just…”
He frowned. “What is it?”
She sighed and finally made eye contact with him again. “In high school, Roy and I...well, he didn’t like using protection every time. I knew it was dumb, but I also didn’t want to ask my mom if I could get on the pill, so I just went with it.”
Jim felt a small surge of anger as he continued to listen.
“And we had a little scare. It turned out to be nothing, but Roy,” she shook her head. “He was so mad. He blamed me, even though he was the one who couldn’t be bothered with a condom. It was the end of senior year and kind of the thing that made me call everything off.”
He looked at her, his expression softening. “I’m not Roy. We’ve established this.”
“I know,” she cried softly.
He kissed her forehead. “I love you, Pam. Whatever happens, that is one thing that will never change.” He ran his fingers through her curls and ran his eyes over her face, astounded she could still look this beautiful after so much crying. “But we should have you take that test, okay?”
She nodded in agreement and stood up, rifling in her purse for the small cardboard box. “It says it takes three minutes.”
“I’ll be right out here,” he assured her.
Pam walked back to the bathroom and Jim put his hands in his face and let out a huge breath. It’s true, this wasn’t their ideal timing. He wanted to find a way to spend summers traveling with Pam and possibly get his master’s. She had just started teaching and he knew she wanted to get a few more years under her belt before having kids. They weren’t married, or even engaged. And maybe it wasn’t a valid concern, but what would the faculty and students think?
But then again…
He pictured Pam, belly so big she couldn’t see her feet. He pictured resting his hand on top of it and feeling tiny limbs kicking and moving around. He thought of a miniature Phillies onesie, and Pam singing lullabies in a dimly lit nursery, and ten little fingers and toes. He thought of two perfect little green eyes staring back up at him that so closely resembled those of the woman he loved so deeply it hurt. And he knew. He knew everything would be okay.
Pam walked out of the bathroom, test in hand. She took a deep breath and sat down next to him, tightly gripping his hand. “Here we go.”
She flipped over the test.
“Negative,” Jim breathed.
Pam let out a small noise and he couldn’t tell if it was a cry or a laugh. She leaned over and hugged him. “Negative,” she repeated in his ear.
They broke apart and JIm picked the test up from the coffee table and stared at it, unsure of how to feel. He leaned back and Pam rested her head on his chest.
“Okay,” he said. “That’s good, right?”
“Yeah...good.” She didn’t sound so convinced either.
They sat on the couch together as seconds turned to minutes. Jim traced circles on her arm while they sat in silence, both fixated on the white stick in front of them.
Finally Pam broke the silence.
“I’m a little sad,” she whispered, barely audible.
Jim closed his eyes and let out a tiny laugh.
“Me too.” He squeezed her tighter. “But we’ll have our chance, Beesly. Mark my words.”
“Just not now.”
“Yeah,” he kissed her head. “Not now.”
She turned her face up to look at him. “You know I love you.”
He kissed her softly. “I love you too. So. Damn. Much.”
She smiled at him. “I’m going to go blow my nose.”
“Good idea,” Jim chuckled.
Pam stood up and walked back into the bathroom as Jim grabbed his phone. He held down the home button and lifted the phone to his mouth, hoping Pam was out of ear shot.
“Remind me tomorrow at 7pm to call William Beesly.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Alright, folks. This one is a little more real and raw than previous chapters, but hopefully you like it just the same. *sets chapter on ground and backs away slowly*
Chapter End Notes:
Welp. There it is.
