His breath fogged in front of him as he made the 10 minute walk to the park. He started to regret suggesting they meet up outside, but it was too late to change his mind now. As he rounded the corner, he saw her and had to will himself to take each step. Not because he didn’t want to go to her, but because the sight of her after four long months nearly stopped him in his tracks.
She was sitting in a swing, facing him but with her head down, slowly swaying back and forth as she kicked loose pieces of bark with her shoe. When she heard the crunch of his feet hitting the bark, she looked up and her melancholy smile nearly did him in.
“Hey,” she said quietly.
“Hi.”
She got out of the swing and walked to meet him, quick to wrap her arms around his torso and pull him into a tight hug. He bent slightly, slid his arms around her, and pressed his cheek against hers, cold from the autumn air. The feel of her body against his and the smell of her shampoo and the very fact that she was finally tangible made his head feel dizzy. He had missed her so damn much.
She leaned back to look him in the eye, cracking a smile. “You’re here.”
“I am,” he chuckled. “You look different than your profile picture,” he joked.
She lightly punched his arm and let out a laugh that made his heart skip. “Very funny.”
They walked back to the swings, each taking one as a seat. Jim looked over to her, leaning his head against the chain of the swing.
“You actually do look different, though,” he said. “You look...happier.”
She scoffed, looking down to her feet. “Looks can be deceiving, I guess.”
“You’re not happy?”
She swung slightly, seeming to ponder his question. “I mean, I’m not unhappy. I’m finally doing what I want to do simply because I want to do it and not because I’m ‘supposed to’ anymore. So that feels good. I'm also taking art classes," she shrugged.
“That's awesome, Pam. But I feel like there's a 'but' somewhere in there.”
She sighed heavily. “But...I don’t know if I would go as far as to say I’m truly happy. But I’m working on it.”
He gave a slight, understanding nod and Pam looked up at him. “What about you? Are you happy?” she asked, though he could tell from her cautious tone that she already knew the answer.
“I…”
He couldn’t find it in himself to lie, to put on a brave face and tell her what she wanted--no, needed--to hear. He'd already spent too many years doing that.
“I’ve been better, honestly. It's been...a rough few months."
He saw pain ripple across her face before she tore her eyes from him to stare at her hands in her lap.
"Because of me." It wasn't a question.
Jim swallowed hard. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but she also wasn't wrong.
"I know that I put you in a tough position, though,” he admitted. “So it's not all on you.” It was refreshing to be talking with her so openly instead of skirting around the difficult topics like they had come so accustomed to.
Pam ran her hand down the chain of the swing. "I think I was just caught off guard," she shrugged. "I probably didn't handle it the best way but I needed more time."
"I mean, you could have told me that," he forced out, feeling the emotion beginning to rise in his chest. "I would have stayed. We could have..." The rest of his sentence got choked in his throat.
"But that's the thing," she turned toward him more. "I don't think I knew what I needed. Not right away, at least. Or even a few days after. When I told you I was going to marry Roy, I really thought I was going to."
"But you didn't," he said quietly.
"No, I didn't. Called it off three days before."
He turned inward, their knees occasionally brushing each other as they sat on the swings.
"Can I ask you why?"
She thought for a minute before taking a deep breath. "It was like,” she started. “I knew he and I had issues. And there were a lot of reasons why we weren't a good fit. But up until the night you…we..." She flicked her eyes to him. "I guess I had just chosen to ignore them because he loved me and we had been together for so long."
"But it still took you until three days before you got married to end it?" The question came out bitterly, and knew it probably wasn't fair, but he asked it anyway.
She looked at him with a furrowed brow. "Jim, I was with him for ten years," she said solidly.
"I know, I'm sorry,” he whispered.
She sighed. "It was like when I got glasses as a kid. I had no idea how blurry my world was until I put them on. But it still took me a while to adjust."
For months, it had felt as if he had a pile of bricks sitting on his chest, but with every word Pam said, she lifted them off, one by one. But still, it wasn't every brick. He still didn't understand, if he had altered her life's course so much, why she never reached out to him after she broke off her wedding. But when he finally worked up the courage to ask her, he noticed that her teeth were chattering.
"Oh my gosh, you're so cold. I don't know why I chose to meet you outside," he cringed. "Sorry."
"No, I'm good."
He rolled his eyes playfully. "That's a lie. C'mon."
He stood up and beckoned her forward with a flick of his head. She smiled warmly, a gentle reprieve from the heaviness of their previous conversation. They walked silently side by side, their knuckles brushing every so often until Pam gave in and intertwined her fingers with his. His stomach leapt and he looked down at their joined hands.
"Is this okay?" she asked softly, biting her lower lip.
Jim nodded with a half-smile, then tucked their linked hands in his coat pocket to keep them warm, wondering if she could feel his rapid pulse on their joined wrists.
They approached his parents house and he pulled their hands apart in order to unlock the door, and he instantly missed the feel of her hand in his.
"Is this your parent's house?" she asked.
"This is it," he whispered as the door opened. "But I think everyone is asleep."
He led her into the kitchen. "We aren't really tea drinkers here…but I can start a pot of coffee if you want that to warm you up."
"That's okay," she smiled. "I'm actually not that cold anymore."
And with the sight of her in his childhood kitchen, he had to admit he wasn't that cold either. He leaned back against the counter and crossed his ankles. Clearing his throat, he looked up at her.
"Listen, I wanted to ask you someth--"
But before he could finish, Larissa walked through the kitchen doorway.
"Oh!" Larissa screeched to a stop and looked from Jim to Pam then back again. A wry smile crept onto her face as she walked closer to Pam but with her eyes still on Jim. She stuck her hand out.
"Hi, Pam, I'm Larissa. Jim's little sister."
Pam took her hand and then looked to Jim with an amused expression. "Nice to meet you!"
"You too! I'm just gonna…" Her voice trailed off as she slipped past them to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "Goodnight!" She turned her face toward Jim as she passed and mouthed a very exaggerated HOLY CRAP.
If he wasn't warm before, he definitely was now.
Pam's face was flushed but her smile wide. "I don't ever recall telling Larissa my name," she smirked. "That's odd."
Jim blushed again and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, that's weird."
Pam let out a laugh. She was standing just a few feet from Jim and she caught his gaze. He felt himself getting swept up in her all over again.
"You wanted to ask something?"
Jim glanced toward the doorway where Larissa had just exited. He did want to keep talking with Pam. He actually wanted to do more than just talk, but the knot in his chest told him talking needed to happen first. But he wanted more privacy, somewhere further away from his sister's possible eavesdropping ears.
"I do but…follow me."
She trailed behind him as he climbed the stairs and turned into his bedroom, where he hurriedly picked up clothes scattered around the floor and haphazardly kicked his duffle bag under the bed. Pam head swiveled, taking in this part of Jim she never knew.
"Your old room?" she asked, running her finger along a line of comic books.
"Yep." He put his hands in his pockets. "With plenty of ammunition for you to use against me, I'm sure," he chuckled.
Pam continued walking slowly around the room, examining posters, and CDs, and pictures on his desk, while Jim went to the closet and grabbed a large blanket from the top shelf. She met him by his side at the window as he pushed it open.
"Are we going out there?" She raised an eyebrow.
"I know I just brought you out of the cold," he lifted the blanket up. "But I think this will help and I would like to show you something."
She grinned. "Okay, then."
Jim crawled out the window first, turned to help Pam through, then waited a moment as she got her footing before they shuffled a few feet toward the middle of the roof. He held her hand as she lowered herself to sit, then joined her at her side, wrapping the blanket around them both. Pam slowly lowered her head to his shoulder as she looked out over his street, which caused his eyes to flutter shut as her close proximity made him momentarily lose brain function.
As he gathered his thoughts, he pointed across the street. "See that fire hydrant? When I was 12, I ran into it on my bike, flipped over the handlebars and broke my left wrist.” Pam let out a small, breathy laugh. “And there," he continued, pointing toward the driveway below them. "Is where I had my first kiss."
"Aww," Pam cooed. "How old were you?"
"Four."
She snickered, wrapping her arms around his bicep and pulling herself in closer to him. "Tell me more."
"Let's see," he said, bringing his left hand up to stroke the back of her hand that was resting on his arm, praying she couldn't sense how nervous he was. "Across the street and three doors down? That's where my best friend Collin lived. He moved when we were 8 and I didn't leave my room for two entire days. Well, except when I was out here on the roof."
"That's so sad! Did you keep in touch?"
"No, not really. We played each other in basketball a few times when we both played in competitive summer leagues, and we're friends on Facebook and stuff. Last I heard he was married with a kid."
More silence settled between them, broken up only by the chirps of distant crickets. Jim cautiously moved his hand to Pam's bended knee.
"This roof holds a lot of memories for me. It became my safe haven as a kid. I did my best thinking, my only crying, and I guess," he paused. "I guess I just wanted you to see it. For whatever reason."
"Thank you," she whispered, and suddenly her face was tilted toward his, their lips just inches apart. He leaned closer, any rational thought wiped clean from his brain. Their lips brushed and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. Finally, she pressed further into him, bringing her hand up and running it through the ends of his hair as he sank into her kiss, cupping her face with his hand, completely unable to grasp on to the reality that he was kissing Pam again.
Again.
He had been here before and it ended with his heart shattered and the pieces wilting on the floor.
She chose someone else.
And then something else.
And while he sat at home, feeling like a shell of his former self, she was on a dating app instead of kissing him like this every night, even though she had to have known he'd come running.
He furrowed his brow, knowing it would take everything in him to stop kissing her. But he pulled away quickly and buried his face into her shoulder, his hand still on the side of her face.
"Jim?"
"Why didn't you call?" he whispered.
She paused. "What?"
He couldn't believe he was stopping the very thing he had longed for for so long. But he needed to do it right this time. He leaned back and dropped his hand to her leg.
"I had to find out you called off your wedding through a dating app, Pam."
She dropped her hands from behind his head and began fiddling with them. "I know."
His head gave a slight shake. "I mean, do you understand how that must have felt for me?"
Her voice came out muted and trembling. "I didn't…I...you just left Scranton so fast. I assumed you never wanted to see me again."
His shoulders sank with her revelation, especially since all he had wanted since he left was to see her again.
"I was heartbroken," he uttered. "Not hateful."
She looked at him and thought for a moment. "You know, when I called it off with Roy, I slowly started to realize how many people I had pushed away to convince myself my relationship with him was good. I was in a pretty dark place for a while, but luckily, I reconnected with my friend Isabel and she helped pull me out of my funk. But even still, I was so in my head about how much I hurt you. I was convinced you would never forgive me. So, a few days ago she told me to download this app to 'get my sorry ass back out there' and...there you were."
"Wait," he stopped her. "You have only been on there for a few days?"
She gave him a sad smile. "Jim, you're literally the only person I matched with. I was about to delete it when your profile popped up."
He laughed, and she gave him a confused look. "Just sounds pretty familiar," he said.
She smiled and then brought her hand up to his cheek. "I didn't use this stupid app because I didn't want to be with you. I used it to get over you."
He leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. "You could have called," he offered quietly.
She closed her eyes and whispered, "I wish I would have."
With that, he put his lips to hers again, feeling the final brick lifted from his chest. He slid his hand through her hair, pulling her closer into him as she grabbed onto his waist. He could feel the smile on her lips as he continued to sink further into her, before finally pulling back for air, resting his forehead on hers. He cracked his eyes open to meet hers.
“In case it’s not clear,” he smiled, gently kissing her once more. “You’re absolutely forgiven.”
She chuckled and tucked her head under his chin, pulling the blanket tighter around them. With his arm around her waist, he kissed the top of her head lightly and looked out over the street again, telling her stories from his childhood until their limbs and faces grew numb from the cold.
They climbed back into his bedroom quietly, and Pam took in her surroundings once more as Jim shut the window and closed the blinds. When he turned around, she was looking in a small open box on his desk. Suddenly, he remembered what it contained.
"I can't believe you kept this," she said fondly. She reached into the box and picked up a piece of paper, flashing it toward him. It was a drawing she had made for Jim's birthday three years before, depicting a cartoonish Dwight stuck hopelessly in a giant mountain of jello, with tiny little beets floating around with him.
Jim came closer and took it from her hand. "Some of your best work. Just waiting to get it framed."
She laughed and rifled through the box a little more. "This is all stuff--"
"That you gave me."
She held up the medal he had kept from their office olympics. "Why is it here?"
Jim sighed. "When I left Scranton, I packed everything up from my desk. I couldn't get myself to throw any of this out, but I knew I couldn't bring it with me either. Not if I had a shot in hell of moving on. So, I brought it here," he shrugged.
She looked at him with a sadness in her eyes as she frowned. "I was pretty blind, huh?"
She fiddled with the yogurt lid edges, her demeanor soaked in regret. Jim turned her by her shoulders so she was facing him, and dipped his head so he could make eye contact with her.
"Hey," he said softly, running his hands along her now folded arms. He lifted her chin with his knuckle and made sure she was paying attention.
"None of that matters now, okay?" He gave her a smirk, and ran his thumb along her cheek. "We matched, remember?"
A laugh escaped her as she dropped her forehead to his chest and he enveloped her, holding her tightly until she relaxed in his arms. He planted a kiss on top of her head, and she tilted her head upward to look up at him, her arms still tightly wound around him.
“Thank you,” she whispered through a smile. “For swiping right.”
He chuckled and kissed her softly, hoping she knew just how much he needed to thank her too. Slowly, he felt her hand slide into his front pocket.
“Easy, Beesly,” he laughed against her lips. “We’re at my parents house.”
She rolled her eyes playfully and held his phone in front of his face that she had taken out of his pocket. She turned it on and punched in the numbers.
“How does everyone know my passcode?!”
“Birthday. Predictable.”
Jim scoffed, then peeked over the top of the screen. Pam swiped over three screens before reaching the dating app, then firmly pressed “Delete”. She grinned up at him happily as she slipped it back into his pocket.
“I don’t think you need that anymore.”
“You’re right,” he shrugged. “I hear the other apps have better interfaces. I should try one of those.”
She dropped her jaw in mock surprise and smacked his chest with her hand, which he caught and brought up to his lips. He looked at her seriously this time, bringing her hand to his cheek.
“You know it’s always been you.”
She looked at him through tear brimmed eyes, then kissed him one more time before he offered to walk her back to her car at the park.
Hand in hand, they spent the 10 minute walk talking about logistics and weekends to visit each other. There were things to still figure out and discuss and decide, but they both knew it would be okay. And while he would miss her like crazy during the week, she was now his to miss, and nothing felt sweeter.
They reached her car and she turned to lean her back against the door. He stepped closer, pressing up against her.
“Hey,” he said, his voice low and a smile kissing his lips. “Are you free for dinner,” he checked his watch, seeing it was after midnight. “Tonight?”
She grabbed onto the lapels of his coat and pulled him closer, her nose brushing his. “Yes.”
“Alright, then.” He grazed his lips against hers. “It’s a date.”
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you again, SO MUCH, for all the kind responses to this story. It was so fun to write. :)
WanderingWatchtower is the author of 23 other stories.
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