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Author's Chapter Notes:

I am not a marriage counselor and have never been in counseling myself so the only thing I had to go from was what I saw in the show and what I imagine it would be like so I hope it comes across as realistic. I did sprinkle in a bit of the speech the Rabbi who officiated my wedding gave because it has always stayed with me and I felt like it could help Pam and Jim at this time.

And this is where I can mention the third song that inspired me – a heavy influence on this chapter.

The song is called Setting Sail by Gary Clark and John Carney. You can click the song title to link to lyric video or read them here. (always feel more of the lyrics when hear them sung)


We face the music together
And throw our hats in the rain
Facing all kinds of weather
And not afraid of anything

When the Sun comes up we'll be on our way
And we don’t care where we land
And the waves are high but we won't turn round
'Cos your hand is in my hand

Aaaaah you make me feel invincible
Cause it's you and me
Through the wind and hail
Setting sail into the world

We built a house out of nowhere
And hung our hearts on the walls
I guess it all got too familiar
We let it crumble we let it fall

In the mundane stuff of the day to day
We forget what used to be
So I kick myself to remind myself
And it all comes back to me

Ah when we were scared of nothing girl
It was you and me
Through the wind and hail
Setting sail into the world

(side note: Song was used as theme song to series on Amazon Prime based off the Modern Love column in the Sunday Times. Highly recommend this anthology series that adapts different love stories taking place in New York City. I think it will appeal to many of my Jam fans)

“I had you do those last few exercises because it’s important to remember the reasons you came together, the ways you made each other better. Identifying and listing those qualities can help you see them again now as you go about your day to day.”

Jim and Pam sat side by side once again in the therapist’s office. It had been a few sessions and they seemed to be making some progress. The anger that had been surging and raging began to ebb somewhat, but like the tides, it still returned regularly, sometimes in ferocious waves but more often now in slow ripples that calmed before it crashed over them. But they were still just treading, still in trouble of being pulled back under by the pent up hurt and intermittent fury that came on sometimes with no warning.

Additionally, some important dialogue had transpired between them, mostly during the sessions, but they were still at an impasse when it came to the issue at the heart of their problems. But in being open and receptive while with the therapist there seemed to be hope and their discussions with her highlighted how very much in love they still were despite those problems.

“Now these next assignments are tougher because they are not about who you are fundamentally, they are the things you need to do. Regardless of how this started, now that you are living through this conflict of interests, you have both made some sacrifices, yes?”

Jim turned to face Pam, the look in his eyes, a facsimile of their daughter’s those times when Phillip’s wails would bring them both rushing into the room where they’d find she’d taken away one of his toys or swatted at him in frustration. Only the mix of irritation, guilt and supplication was now rendered in Jim’s green irises instead of her baby blues. 

Pam looked back at him, her own irises glistening from the liquid forming over them as they both nodded at each other and then back to the woman who spoke to them with a calm and gentle inflection.

“I want you to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate those sacrifices. Because Jim you need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while you’re away…And Pam you need to appreciate the hard work and hours he’s putting in for the benefit of the whole family.”

Pam shifted her feet, switching from a left over right ankle cross to a right over left. Jim reached for her hand and gave it a small squeeze that while she accepted, she didn’t squeeze back in return.

“But that doesn’t mean you need to hold back when you are feeling hurt or treated unfair. In fact, I want you speaking your truths. Hold nothing back. This is your opportunity to share everything you both failed to back when your trouble began. I want you to call those instances, opportunities."

They spent the rest of the session acknowledging each other and speaking truths and reading from the journals they had been keeping; journals they were instructed to keep up with, now adding these ‘opportunities’  alongside the reasons they fell in love and ways they completed each other.

She closed the session with words that brought tears back into both of their eyes this time.

“Marriage is not always simple. Think of it as a body of water, like a river, it needs fluidity to stay fresh and unpolluted. In time, the body of water with no motion will become murky and contaminated. A marriage, like water, needs to ebb and flow, sometimes in wild rush, sometimes in a calm stream but it always needs to move…

When you fail to communicate you stop that movement. When you stay rigid and resolute you risk contamination. When you don’t speak up, your river stops flowing and becomes a bog.”

Pam couldn’t help but think of their wedding, the rushing waters of Niagara Falls in the background as they said I do and how she wouldn’t even have that memory had it not been for Jim and the bold actions he took, time and time again for her. 

“Until our next session you need to work on your communication and showing your appreciation for each other…

While you do, I also want you to try and think of times you stopped the motion in your relationship, actions or rather non-actions that stopped your flow. And think of the alternate actions you could have taken so to prevent those mistakes for the next time.”

As if on cue, just as she finished speaking a gentle, three-note melody hummed, the timer signaling the end of their allotted time. As it played, the three of them stood and headed towards the door. Their therapist reached for the handle but waited a beat before opening the door.

Turning back to her clients she added, “I’ve leave you with this. Happiness is not a gift. It is something that is achieved. Success in a marriage is much more than finding the right partner, it’s a matter of being the right partner.”

~~~

Back at home that night they started with the truth telling and appreciation, however now without the audience of the therapist, they found it unnatural and forced. But they did it anyway hoping that the more they practiced the less strange it would seem to praise every considerate action and every small gesture, even the little things they had been doing for each other for years.

Jim figured that must have been why they were doing it, to remind themselves that the day to day, however mundane was important and sometimes needed to be acknowledged.

Speaking their truths was a little harder. Sure, there were things Pam did that Jim didn’t appreciate, like how she never refilled the water in the Keurig or how she never turned off a light when she left the room. But they weren’t ever something he’d complain to her about, not when she barely got to finish her morning coffee because she was busy attending to their kids. She was the light of his life so how could he complain when she left one on from time to time. But now they were being told to tell each other every little thing.

He still wasn’t sure she needed to know the cost per wattage equation that he calculated in his head whenever he walked into an empty room with the TV and lights still on. But maybe there were some things best not to keep her in the dark about. Maybe, they couldn’t take it for granted anymore that they would always know what the other was thinking or feeling. Sure, they were good at it, better than most, but sometimes they still couldn’t read each other’s minds, words needed to be said.

They continued at the office the next day, speaking their truths and expressing their appreciation. They knew it was weird and so did everyone around them. Even Clark, who hadn’t known them all that long asked whether they were high, so strange was the behavior they were exhibiting with each other.

Strange as they were, the exaggerated exchanges did get them opening up a bit more.

However, it still didn’t seem enough. Pam still got annoyed at every call from Isaac or Wade and seemed to be no closer to accepting the relocation his going to Athlead full time would require. As the hours passed and it got closer to his time to leave for Athlead for the week, she seemed to grow more and more distant.

It didn’t help that she was called away for an interview during his last hour at the office.  He wanted to have a little more time to talk, really talk to her, and instead she was cordoned away in the conference room with the damn cameras instead. In all the years of the film crew being around, they never interfered with the actual course of their lives. Sure, they were always in their face, always catching the intimate moments that he would have preferred to be private.

Like the rooftop date, that wasn’t a date, but kinda was…

and when he first attempted to tell her how he felt with a teapot and a strategically placed note that he was pretty sure now the cameras caught him take back...

and the night when she set her wedding date with Roy, when the pain in his heart led him to reveal his feelings to Michael, pain he thought couldn’t get any worse...

until it did when he told her he loved her and he blitzed attacked her with a confession and a kiss he thought could change her mind, and almost did, until her fears took over and the pain nearly swallowed him up.

All of it, he’d seen in the promos.

All of it he realized would soon be aired for the whole world to see.

And once again, the cameras were there as they lived through their most difficult time. Only now it was so much more painful since what he was slowly losing was not just the object of his desire, not just a dream of what could be.

It was his wife, and his family. It was his heart, his soul, his everything.

The cameras had never really bothered him before, sometimes they were a nuisance, but in all honesty, he had fun with the guys and got a kick out having them there to witness the insanity and hilarity of their everyday lives. But now that kick felt aimed back at himself, a gut punch in his stomach and a lot like a third person in his marriage blocking the way back to their happiness.

First there was Brian, who crossed a boundary that had eventually gotten him fired, when he had taken Jim’s place comforting his wife and saving her from the goon in the warehouse that almost roughed her up. Of course, he was glad Brian was there for the latter but certainly not the former. especially when it brought to the surface feelings of jealousy and anger he didn't quite understand.

He felt more aware now of how they were always filming, catching their awkward phone calls and their big mistakes, making it hard to open up at the moments when they needed to because it wasn’t just between them, it was being recorded for the show that would be airing soon.

This felt like another an intrusion, pulling her away when he so obviously needed this extra time to talk to her. But with nothing more he could do while she talked to them instead of him, he took the time to pack up his things.

From inside his desk drawer, he gathered his papers and the therapy journal and placed them in his bag. He picked up the umbrella that he purposely left at the end of the desk so he wouldn’t forget it again and slipped it into the front section of the satchel. Rain wasn’t predicted for tonight but it hadn’t been when he got caught without his umbrella in the downpour that left him soaked while waiting for a taxi in Philadelphia. Unpredicted rain showers, he’d soon realized could always pop up and while a little sprinkle wasn’t a big deal, massive unannounced storms, they were harder to survive without proper protection. He’d learned the hard way that no matter how sunny the sky seemed, there could always be a chance of rain. It was important to check the forecast and have the umbrella handy. One never knew when it would be needed.

As he pushed it down into the front pocket of his bag, his eye caught sight of another item he tucked into the bag weeks ago.  

~~~

He leaned down to her to say goodbye, his eyes darting around and never quite meeting hers, perhaps because she was having trouble looking at him too. But his words were soft and sincere and spoken in a throaty whisper that she’d only ever heard before in the bedroom, when seduction was his aim. She’d been missing him in that way too, and hearing the voice made her think just how much. But even the deep timbred undertone was still not able to coax her out of her detachment.

“I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Okay?”

When he finally did look at her it was the tenderness that she saw in his eyes that nearly broke through the steel that as the hours passed that day, closed around her heart. But all she could do was choke out an okay and turned back to her typing as Jim pushed away from her desk and quietly disappeared out the front reception door.

Looking back over at his now empty desk, she instantly regretted her coldness, and suddenly remembering her task at recording these moments she pulled out her therapy journal, flipping to the bookmarked page. Before she turned to the next blank page in her book, she read over the last things she had written.

 

Why I fell in love with Jim?

So many reasons, I could never list them all but these are the ones that most come to mind.

He’s my best friend. He has been almost since the day we met. We connected in a way I’d never connected with anyone, not even Roy who I was engaged to at the time. I lived with Roy, worked right above him and yet I think back about how it was always Jim I was excited to share things with, Jim who I went to for advice, Jim who made me laugh.

No one else can make me laugh like he does. It’s not just that he’s funny or he makes those goofy faces or there’s a playfulness between us, that makes me smile. It’s a feeling he brings out in me where the bubbles form in my belly and explode from my body and I’m effervescent with his spirit. 

The way he seemed to know me better than I knew myself back then; how he listened to the things I said and paid attention to the things I did and knew things I had no idea he knew. When he wasn’t using them against me for silly pranks and jokes, he was storing them away to bring out with little surprises and grand Jim gestures.

Of course, there’s how smart and well liked he is and well I can’t not bring up the sexual attraction between us. That first kiss, I was seeing stars and If I wasn’t feeling so guilty and confused who knows what would have happened.

It’s the ease I feel when I talk to him, and the way I never feel like I need to be anyone but my true self with him. There wasn’t ever anything I couldn’t tell him, except maybe how I felt when he came back from Stamford. But even through those toughest of times, when he was dating someone else, he was so happy for me that I’d finally started the art classes I had always wanted to and no one was more excited than him to hear about the art contest I won.

He was always supportive, even before we were together, challenging me to do more, be more, even when it made me lash out at him. He was pushing me towards my dreams even when Roy didn’t, even when I couldn’t. And that support never wavered, ever. 

When I wanted to go to art school in New York, he was all for it, even though it meant we’d be apart, he said we’d make it work. It was more important for me to give my dream a go. And when I failed that class that meant another three months away, he was disappointed but he let me know he’d be behind me whatever I’d decided to do.

When I decided on a whim, to leave the security of my job and follow Michael’s ridiculous notion to start his own company, he never once told me what a mistake I was making, even when we had a mortgage to pay and the loss of my salary would mean he would have to work harder to cover my part. But he stayed behind my decision, even waking up early with me (something he hated to do) and teaching me as best he could his best sales tips.


 

As Pam kept reading her words, she thought about how Jim had always supported her dreams, had always been 100% behind the things she wanted for herself. Why was she not doing the same? Because, she told herself, he hadn’t gone about things the right way. He should have told her before he decided to make a decision as big as this, before he decided to wipe out their savings and their job security and take her away from the place where they grew up, fell in love, made their family and created all their memories together.

But he made a mistake. Everyone makes them. Hells if she hadn’t made plenty in the years they’d known each other. Big ones too. Ones that almost kept her from everything they had, her marriage, her children, her beautiful life.

The anger inside of her flared.

Anger at herself.

She threw down her pen and slammed the book, sending it flying across the desk. And that’s when she saw it. The pink message page with the gold lid attached.

 

~~~

 

He had hoped the trinket of gold and pink paper note he left by her keyboard would have the same impact it once had for him. That she’d be propelled from her seat, as he had been back when he discovered the original version, and drawn to where he was waiting in the idling taxi.

When after 15 minutes, the door to the business park remained closed and she didn’t come out, he knew it was over.

He told the driver finally they could go.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
Okay, lay it on me.

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