This is bad.

This is way worse than she thought it was going to be, and she thought it was going to be pretty bad.

Michael has been bouncing off the walls since first thing Monday morning, when he’d charged into the office demanding the Party Planning Committee join him in the conference room “STASAP… sooner than as soon as possible, GOD,” because it was “almost 05-05-05,” and it happens “only once every billion years, Pam, we have to celebrate it.” Since then it seems like every hour he comes up with something new they “absolutely have to have for this party, Pam,” because “it won’t be an 05-05-05 party if there aren’t five different kinds of cake, Pam,” because “it won’t be an 05-05-05 party if there aren’t five different color streamers, Pam,” because “it won’t be an 05-05-05 party if there aren’t five separate stations for party games, PAM,” and Pam has been having trouble whittling down her list to just five different ways she’d like to murder him.

“PAM.” “PAM.” “PAM.” “ONCE EVERY BILLION YEARS, PAM.”  “PAMMMMMMMMMMMMM.”

She knew something was going to ruin what should have been a nice, quiet week. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is Murphy’s Law in office form, Jim says. It’s very reliable that way.

She’d been in a lousy mood to start with, which hadn’t helped. Between the usual weekend housekeeping and grocery shopping and errands and helping Larry and Dinah move, she hadn’t had a moment to decompress, and she’d been hoping she’d be able to settle in and whine to Jim and hear about his weekend before Monday got going, maybe get an early Cugino’s lunch to celebrate being free of the cameras, and instead she had Michael in her face before she’d even finished the voicemails.

And Angela had been unpleasant even by Angela standards, because she “didn’t have enough time to properly prepare for a once-in-a-billion-years party!”, and Phyllis has been totally cowed as usual, and Jim was apparently taking advantage of the crew being away to sell paper, and she’s just been on edge.

And now this.

Because the party is good. Great, even. It’s the first time they’ve had something like this without the documentary crew in their faces in a while, and everyone is so much more relaxed. Oscar is actually talking for a change, she doesn’t know what’s been up with him the last few weeks, and Oscar is one of her favorites to chat with. Kevin and Creed got deeply involved in a quiet, serious conversation (probably about porn, Pam guesses) right at the start of festivities, and have been huddled by one of the computers ever since, which means less drunken leering at her. Toby has been keeping an eye on Meredith, which means the five different brands of soda are only lightly spiked instead of flammable. Without a crowd to play to, Jim has been going easy on Dwight, and has been patiently listening to him explain why the orca was a terrible choice for a favorite whale instead of messing with him (mildly disappointing, but helpful for party purposes). Even Angela appears guardedly pleased with the results, and isn’t storming around making everyone as miserable as she is.

Michael should be content.

Michael should be calmer.

Michael should not look like a first grader who really, really needs the bathroom pass right this second.

Which means there’s more to come.

Pam just hopes it’s not Todd Packer.

* * *

The thing about Dwight is he’s smart. While Jim would never admit it to anyone, some of his obsessions are even interesting to hear about in small doses. He hadn’t known that orcas (“delphinus gladiat-OR, Jim”) were dolphins or that they only put one hemisphere of their brain to sleep at a time or that there are recognizable orca languages. He could’ve also easily gone the rest of his life not knowing, but Jim has definitely engaged in more boring small talk than this.

If the cameras were still here, he might have needled Dwight a bit, see if he could get a reaction. But his only audience now is Pam, and if he’s going to try this with Katy, he owes it to himself to stop doing stuff for no other reason than because Pam.

Although she does look tense. And the way she keeps checking on Michael, Jim is positive he knows why. And maybe trying something different means trying something other than pulling away from Pam a bit at the beginning of a new relationship, maybe he has to figure out a way to make it work with someone else while she’s still a big part of his life. He doesn’t want her gone, after all. She’s his best friend. He just wants something… different.

He baits Dwight into going to check on Kevin and Creed, which is probably in everyone’s best interest, and makes his way over to her.

Oscar gulps and walks away as he approaches. It must feel as abrupt to Pam as it does to Jim, because her “okay, bye” is definitely Confused Pam.

She smiles at him like he’s made her less nervous simply by coming over, and he can’t help but smile back. He remembers why he tries to put some distance between them when he starts dating, because honestly, how could Katy ever top that¸ ever make him feel like this?

She leans in and his heart stutters, even though he knows she means nothing by it.

“Well, I thought he was better, but…”

“Yeah,” Jim agrees. They’ve been speculating about this for weeks, and they’re no closer to an answer. “I maintain he just doesn’t like being on camera.”

“Yeah, but why not? He’s one of the normal ones.”

“Plus, it doesn’t explain his little escape act there,” Jim gestures his head towards Oscar, who has joined Kelly and Toby in guarding the drinks.

Pam raises her eyebrows in that challenging way he adores. “Maybe he just doesn’t like you.”

He feigns offense. “How could he not like me?”

“You wanna hear the list?” she teases.

He put a hand to his chest in shock. She laughs, and nudges him with her shoulder. It’s totally friendly, and it’s not at all flirtatious, and she’s so close to him. He nudges her back.

“Nice party.”

“Thank you. It’s the five different brands of mild salsa, I think, that put it over the top.”

“Yeah, so Michael really didn’t mean five different spice levels, huh?”

“Nope, five different brands of mild. ‘Because not everyone likes spicy and we have to be inCLUsive, Pam!’” She rolls her eyes dramatically, but he can tell she’s genuinely pissed, and not only about Michael’s poorly-disguised fear of hot salsa.

“You’ve had a fun week with him.”

“I feel like he wasn’t this bad before, right? So he should be back to his normal levels of insanity soon?”

“Yeah. He just needs a minute to adjust.”

Pam gives him a look he can’t quite read. “You’ve been busy. I feel like I haven’t seen you all week.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve been throwing together a party for absolutely no reason, and as you know I am extremely dedicated to my craft.”

She smirks at him. “You’ve been phoning it in since they got here, huh?”

“My numbers are so bad, Pam.” She throws her head back and laughs again, and he wishes he wasn’t so proud of that. “But we couldn’t expose a national television audience to Dwight without taking him down a peg. I was doing a public service!”

“You’re a hero, Jim Halpert. They should name a municipal building after you.” He can see she’s pushed Michael to the back of her mind. He’s done his job. He’s served her well. He’s valuable to her.

“I’m happy they’re gone.”

“I know.”

“I don’t like it when people stare at me. And the wires, and the extra people, and the…” she waves her hand vaguely. “mess.”

He wants to say something comforting, but he’s not sure what could fix this. It’s just… Pam.

“And I feel like I get a case of the dum-dums whenever they’re around, you know?”

“I know.”

She looks at him skeptically. “Yeah, right. You’re a star in the making. Hollywood Halpert.”

“No, I get it!” he protests.

He doesn’t, really. He doesn’t mind being onscreen, at least not when he’s messing with Dwight. And he honestly mostly welcomes the chaos and disruption. He’s very glad they’re through with the project, but it’s got nothing to do with looking silly and everything to do with how uncomfortable Pam is with them here… and with the increasingly loaded questions in his talking heads.

She ignores him. “Plus, I look awful. I’ve been eating my feelings since we delayed the wedding. I’m a horse.”

A boyfriend could say something here, could tell her how sexy she looks, could touch her and make sure she feels it.

A friend could say something here, could tell her she’s beautiful. And could maybe also say something about her fiancée and how he always seems to be doing some sort of damage to her feelings.

Jim doesn’t know what he can say. What’s going to reveal too much. What’s fair. What he’s objective about. What’s in her best interest, and what’s he’s only convinced himself is.

“You look fine, Beesly, and I hate to break it to you, but horses are a lot taller than you.”

She smiles at that. He’s distracted her. Job well done again.

“So how was your date?”

Wow. Out of left field.

The date was… good. Better than he’d expected. He’s not sure how much of his motivation in asking Katy out was sending a subtle middle finger to Roy, but he knows it was a lot more than generally leads to a healthy relationship. But she’d been fun. Game. Openly interested, which felt like a gift. She’d had a lot of stories about various other weirdos she’d met in the purse business (shockingly, neither Dwight nor Michael would crack her top five), and they hadn’t run out of stuff to talk about. Which was odd considering they didn’t have much in common. Chemistry, but not a real connection. Nothing like the spark of being known he’d felt from the very beginning with…

“Fine.”

“Good… good.” Pam pauses. Is she waiting for him to go on? Gossip like they’re girlfriends? “Do you think you’re going to see her again?”

“Yeah, I think so.” He knows so. They’re going hiking on Saturday. Her idea. It’s been a long time since he’d dated a girl who liked hiking. So that was something they had in common.

“Great.” She falls silent again. Maybe she’s not actually interested? Perfectly polite thing to ask, after all.

He never knows how to talk to her about this. He’s purposefully kept this part of her life away from her. It’s… uncomfortable. He doesn’t want her thinking about him dating, doesn’t want her setting him up or noticing he can’t keep a girlfriend, doesn’t want to make himself in any way unavailable to her… or see how not jealous she is.

“Hey, so I learned a lot about orcas today.”

“I saw that.”

“I’m a killer whale expert now. For instance: did you know orcas are among the few animals documented to go through menopause?”

“I did not. And kind of didn’t want to.”

Pam jumps a little when Michael bursts out with “OKAYCOULDIHAVEEVERYONESATTENTIONPLEASE.” Jim decides it’s a victory that she’s forgotten him for a minute.

Michael notices the collective confusion without needing it spelled out for him, which is an improvement from the last few weeks. Still, this is clearly a moment he’s been waiting for. “Could I have everyone’s attention, please?”

“I think we all agree that this party is AMAZING. I don’t know if you all know this, but 05-05-05 is a day that only comes around once in a billion years…” Jim finds himself reflexively looking for a camera to smirk at. Pam notices and giggles at him. “…and this is a once in a billion year party! Party Planning Committee, you ladies have outdone yourselves. EVERYONE CLAP!”

They give a nice round of applause. Jim directs his towards Pam, who responds with a mini-curtsey. Angela looks vaguely mollified, if only for a moment.

“But I have an announcement that will make this party even better. Can I have a drumroll please?”

Dwight immediately starts pounding his hands against the conference room windows, in a way that makes Angela and Oscar shout about him breaking the glass.

“Thank you, Dwight. Now the big news issssssss… IHEARDFROMTHEPRODUCERSANDTHEYWANTTOCOMEBACK.”

“English, please, Michael,” Oscar says, and Michael ignores the opportunity for the joke. “I heard from the producers of the documentary! They want to come back in the fall and film us more!”

Jim’s heart sinks. He can’t look at Pam. He instead looks for Toby, who gives him a sour confirming nod.

Toby doesn’t look happy either. No one does.

“Guys, come on! This is great news! They really like me, this might be my big break! I could be a star!” Michael sighs, taking in their lack of enthusiasm for his bright future. “And you know what else this means?”

“You’re gonna work even less than usual?”

“Shut it, Stanley. No, it means they’re gonna sign a new agreement with corporate… and their fees keep getting added to our sales totals! Huh? No branch closing, team! We’re safe!”

Jim can’t help it. He has to check in with her.

He can see this mix of relief and hopelessness playing across her face. He assumes he looks about the same.

He golf claps. She silently, sarcastically cheers in response, and there’s something about the way she drops her left shoulder to add pizzaz that makes Jim fall for her a little harder.

Not good.

* * *

Everyone has gone back to murmuring in little clusters. Michael looks… disappointed. Deeply disappointed. And Pam’s sure she’s going to want to throttle him again in a minute, but she doesn’t like that look on his face. Not when he’s delivered good news – she knows how big a difference the documentary money makes to their numbers.

“I really thought you’d be excited about this.”

She and Jim watch as he turns and leaves the conference room, and they hear his office door not quite slamming behind him a moment later.

Pam sighs. “I should probably go deal with that.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, this sucks.”

“Yeah. At least we get a few months off from them.”

“I guess. And we’re more used to it now? I was a lot more aware of them when they started.”

“Yeah, me too. They started blending into the background after a while.”

“And hey! You know what this means?”

“What?”

“Maybe it’s worth doing the vending machine trick.”

Jim hadn’t considered that. It would be a lot of work, and he’s sure Steve’s asking price would be high. But with the cameras there…

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll start floating it with Steve, see if he’s into it.”

“And our jobs are safe.”

“I thought we were cheering each other up, Beesly.”

“I don’t have the energy to job search. It’s gonna be summer.”

“Writing cover letters is one of my favorite beach activities.”

She giggles. “Plus, if Roy and I both got laid off, who knows when we’d get married?”

She sees Jim start at that, and decides Michael wasn’t going to get any easier to handle with more time to pout.

“All right. Say good luck, Halpert.”

“Good luck, Halpert,” he chirps back.

She makes an annoyed face because she knows that’s the reaction he’s looking for, and heads out the conference room door.

She pauses to collect herself before she knocks. She needs to get in the right frame of mind.

It turns out it’s not that hard. She’s not thrilled about the cameras, but the branch? Michael’s right, they should be happy about it.

She doesn’t like Michael’s childish antics, or Dwight’s endless eccentricities, or Angela’s judgmental bitchiness, but she can count on them. She doesn’t like Michael turning a quiet week crazy, but she likes knowing it will happen, and that Stanley will never stay a minute past 5:00, and that Meredith will grunt at her instead of saying good morning on Wednesday and Friday and only Wednesday and Friday, because her babysitter is available Tuesdays and Thursdays. She likes seeing Jim walk up to the copy machine, poke at its buttons once, twice, then turn to her and ask for help, every time. She likes knowing when she’s unhappy that Jim will notice and come check on her.

She likes knowing what’s coming. Her mom says she always has, even when she was little. She’s not ready for that to stop.

* * *

He watches her gather herself and knock, grind her jaw at Michael’s plaintive “insistence” she go away, and let herself in. She’ll be out in five or 10 minutes, and Michael will follow, magically recovered and bubbling with plans for how he’s going to wow the cameramen this time and likely accidentally sending Angela flying into a rage, and Pam will be tired but relieved, and he’ll give her a drink and a slice of cheesecake, and she’ll grin and say something like “you think maybe I can get a raise if I convince them I’m the assistant to the assistant to the manager?”

He loves her.

He starts making plans for a third date with Katy. Because that’s what this summer is going to be about, seeing if he can make it work with a ballsy, bubbly, smoking hot woman who’s into him, seeing if he can avoid the moment a few months down the line where she sadly explains to him that he’s a great guy, but she needs someone who is ready to emotionally commit, and she feels like he’s holding back part of himself from her.

Because he can’t go on like this. It’s been two years, and he’s not moving. Something has to change.