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Author's Chapter Notes:
A chapter in honor of Scranton's favorite son (for the non-Americans: Joe Biden was in fact born in Scranton and lived there until he was ten, and he's made it a big part of his political identity). Normally I try not to get political on here, and much of this isn't expressly so, but be warned: here be dragons. The takes on each character's political views are based on my personal interpretation of canon and what I think would be funny, and this is not meant to approve of, disapprove of or push any particular position. (I save that for Twitter.)

You don't have to follow American politics or have a close memory of our 2008 election cycle to enjoy this, but there'll definitely be a few more jokes in it for you if you do.

Hat-tip to our beloved Dernhelm, who helped inspire this one, and sorry it's not really close to Joe Biden's birthday. (It would've happened sooner if we eliminated the filibuster.) I promise I'll get the National Paper Airplane Day chapter done eventually. Maybe even by the next National Paper Airplane Day.

We open at RECEPTION, where PAM is standing on a chair hanging decorations off the wall behind her desk.

 

We see MICHAEL enter, in full Uncle Sam regalia: a top hat with red stripes and a blue band with white stars around the base, an obnoxiously big red bow tie, a blue waistcoat, red and white striped pants and a fake white beard. The image is only broken by Michael’s smile, very distinct from Uncle Sam’s typically stern countenance.

 

MICHAEL:
Uncle Pam, check it out!

 

He gestures to his attire, and then spreads open his coat to reveal another twist on the classic Uncle Sam image – an amateur-designed t-shirt featuring a Photoshop of Joe Biden with a broad, open-mouthed grin, shooting finger guns. It’s set against a background that reads “Straight Outta Scranton,” aping the “Straight Outta Compton” style.


MICHAEL:
Ah?

 

He shoots PAM finger guns of his own and matches Joe Biden’s grin.

 

PAM responds with the same gesture and smile, albeit with somewhat faked enthusiasm. She has turned away from her decorating to do so, revealing the poster is the same picture featured on Michael’s shirt. The banner above it reads “Happy Joe Biden Day!”

 

MICHAEL (snaps his fingers):
And that’s not malarkey!

 

He winks. PAM smiles indulgently.

 

We cut to a talking head with MICHAEL in HIS OFFICE, still in full costume.

 

MICHAEL:
Today is the biggest day in Scranton history. Even bigger than when Kevin McCallister’s mom came here! Because 66 years ago today, a baby was born in a little house right over on Washington Avenue. (Quick cut to a photo of MICHAEL on the lawn of a grey three-story Colonial, where he is being yelled at by the homeowner.)  And that baby is now the Vice-President of the United States, Joseph Robinette Biden. (Note that MICHAEL mispronounces Robinette.) So our city has decided to host the First Annual Vice-President Joe Biden Festival in his honor. Long overdue, in my opinion. And what better way is there to honor Scranton’s favorite son than by buying paper from a Scranton business? I think Joe Biden would want that. And I would know! When I was little, I played on the exact same coal slag heap that he did! (A quick cut to another photo – this one of a young Michael cheerfully posing with a red plastic beach shovel in front of what is clearly industrial waste.)


We cut to a CONFERENCE ROOM talking head with PAM, who has had MICHAEL’s Uncle Sam hat foisted on her.

PAM:
No, it’s not just Michael. Everyone around here is really excited about this. (beat) Not the sale, obviously. (brightens) But we love Joe! I worked at this ice cream place in high school that’s supposed to have been his favorite as a kid, and the owner had these big framed photos of him eating a cone at the exact same table, in the exact same way at seven years old and when he was running for president the first time. He made all of us memorize the story to tell the customers. And that was just when he was a senator! Now he… (pauses, frowns, thinking, thinking…) breaks ties in the Senate, I think? (shrugs)

 

We return to the FRONT DESK CLUMP, where we find JIM working the phones.

 

JIM:
…I know, such a big day for Scranton. (listens) Yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling. In honor of our 47th Vice-President, Dunder Mifflin is offering a 4.7% price reduction on all bonds, cardstocks, and recycled paper products for today only. (listens, smirk of victory) That’s right, you’d be locking in that price point for the entire length of the contract, so the longer you sign up for, the longer the savings last. (listens a bit, then laughs) The sort of deal Joe Biden would have been proud to cut in the Senate, I like that!

 

We stay with JIM in the CONFERENCE ROOM for a talking head.

 

JIM (surprisingly earnest):
Look, it’s silly… but it is pretty cool! I mean, I’m going to be able to take our children and show them this little house just like ours, and tell them a little boy who grew up here just like them got to be one of the most powerful people in the world. And if it can happen once to a kid from Scranton, it can happen again. There really aren’t any limits on what they can achieve. (He smiles, a twinkle in his eye… then reconsiders) Well, not on our son, anyways.

 

We cut to the FRONT OF THE BULLPEN, where an irritated-looking OSCAR is entering for his workday. He does not acknowledge the decorations. MICHAEL charges out of his office, still in costume.


MICHAEL:
Oscar! My man! You know the rules, buddy. Come on, Oscar! (turns to camera) That’s what he said.

 

OSCAR sighs and makes the Biden finger gun gesture and face. If you thought PAM was unenthusiastic about doing this, you hadn’t seen nothin’ yet. MICHAEL, on the other hand, is ecstatic.

 

MICHAEL:
There we go! Happy Joe Biden Day!

 

He slaps a circular sticker reading simply “JOE” in white letters on a blue background on OSCAR’s expensive-looking coat, to OSCAR’s chagrin. We then join him in the KITCHEN for a talking head, done while he dabs at the spot where MICHAEL stuck the sticker with a damp paper towel.

 

OSCAR:
It took me an extra 15 minutes to get into work today because most of the main streets are closed, either for the festival booths or for the parade featuring Joe Biden’s third cousin as the grand marshal. (He’s dabbing pretty aggressively now.) I got caught behind a tour bus showing people “Joe’s Scranton stomping grounds,” which was completely full of people paying $10 to be shown the Little League field half of them played at. (Seriously, Oscar, that can’t be good for your coat.) And I can’t drop off my excise tax payment because all city employees have been given the day off. (He inspects the coat and sighs in frustration, then straight to camera:) You know, this is always how I imagined Scranton would embrace America’s first black president.

 

We do a quick check-in around the office. We find KELLY in the annex, working away with a doleful expression in sharp contrast to the waving Joe Biden beaming from her chest. It should be noted that in contrast to MICHAEL, her shirt is professionally printed, the sort of things one would find at a streetside booth. MEREDITH is pouring over paperwork in a Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders baseball jersey with BIDEN #47 on the back. STANLEY is on the phone, pitching the sale prices unaided by any Biden memorabilia. MICHAEL sneaks up behind him and plops his Uncle Sam hat on STANLEY’s head. STANLEY turns to him and stares. MICHAEL laughs uproariously. STANLEY looks to camera, world’s most patriotic hat on and glum-faced.

 

We cut to the CONFERENCE ROOM for a talking head with STANLEY, sans hat.
 

STANLEY (as ever, unimpressed):
We attend the Bidens’ old church, something our parish priest has found a way to work into every sermon since the convention. Whole lot of the members were real close with the family, considering they left town 60 years ago. (He shoots a look to the camera.) They did add a new sandwich at the Glider Diner in his honor, though. (This, on the other hand, has his interest.) The Vice-President. Quarter-pound of Black Forest ham, heirloom tomatoes, fresh green peppers, sliced cucumber and four different kinds of cheese on toasted, buttered brioche. (He has a far-off look in his eyes.) Mmmmmm. (Satisfied smile.) I’m proud of my country.

 

We pay a visit to ACCOUNTING, where a mischievous-looking KEVIN is settling in for the day… extremely late, it should be noted.


KEVIN (with a slow grin betraying his child-like amusement at his own antics):
Hey, Angela. Guess what I got at Bidenfest on my way here.

 

He pulls from his briefcase a novelty photo of himself standing in between life-sized cut-outs of Biden and Barack Obama, who are standing back-to-back with their arms crossed buddy cop movie poster-style. He has an elbow on each man’s shoulder. Printed across the top of the photo in red bubble letters is the phrase “MEET THE BIG DOGS.”

 

ANGELA huffs in disgust. KEVIN snickers in triumph. She then picks up her phone and punches in a number.

ANGELA:
Yes, David Wallace please. (who are you to even ask?) It’s Angela Martin, head of accounting.

 

We cut to the CONFERENCE ROOM.

 

ANGELA:

I just find think it’s incredibly inappropriate.(Very prim and proper:) When I was growing up, polite people didn’t discuss politics in the workplace. (She sniffs.) I guess that’s another value we’ve lost in this country. You can’t pray in the public schools, but we’ve got paper sales for Democrats! (She shakes her head.) I’m disappointed is all. (beat) We used to be a great nation, a Christian nation. I’m worried we’ll never be that great again. But it’s like *he* says, hope is a powerful thing. (However much contempt you’re reading into this, turn it up at least one more notch.) And I have hope… hope we’ll be seeing a lot more of that lovely Sarah Palin soon. Now there’s change *I* can believe in.

 

We return to the BULLPEN, checking in again on the REAR DESK CLUMP, where STANLEY and ANDY are working the phones.

 

STANLEY (in the foreground):
That’’s right, Can I send you over a 12-month contract? (listens) You’ll have it in your hands in the next 10 minutes.

 

We blur STANLEY and focus in on ANDY.

 

ANDY:
That’s a good question, and I’ve got a great answer for you… just like Obama and Biden, the quality of our products can’t be beat! (He gives a big smile as he waits for a laugh that is absolutely not coming. Sensing the silence is becoming awkward, he pivots to:) Trees are just *dying* to become Dunder Mifflin paper, you know what I mean? (Andy listens and starts to grimace.) Yes… yes, you’re absolutely right. Climate change, deforestation, very serious. (Beat) Can I interest you in our 100% recycled paper line? (Pause.) Hello?

 

ANDY (starting in voiceover over him realizing the potential client has hung up on him, sadly hanging up the phone and crossing a name off the list, then joining him for a talking head in the CONFERENCE ROOM):
Yeah, Joe Biden’s the vice-president, it’s a big deal… if you’re from *Scranton.* But I went to college at Cornell University. You know who went to Cornell? The President. (Beat that! Well…) Of the Czech Republic. Vaclav Klaus. (Supremely sure of himself) But I’m just saying, if I ever go to Prague, the Cornell alumni association is gonna hook. Me. Up.

 

We return to RECEPTION, where PAM picks up a call.

 

PAM:
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. (listens) Sure, Steph, I’ll get him now.

 

She rises and we follow her into MICHAEL’S OFFICE, where he is punching away at his computer, fake beard still on and hat on the desk beside him. PAM starts to speak, but before she can get a word out, MICHAEL gives her a significant look. PAM sighs and wordlessly acquiesces, shooting him the finger guns again. Her enthusiasm is not as well faked this time. MICHAEL is delighted and shoots them back.

 

MICHAEL:
Thank you. What’s up?

 

PAM:
David Wallace’s office, on line two.

 

MICHAEL:
Ah, the power behind the throne! (makes a connection) Hey, he’s like the Joe Biden of Dunder Mifflin!


He raises his eyebrows. Ah? Ahhhhh?

 

PAM concludes this will go faster if she resists less and gives him her best “huh, I never thought of it like that!” look.

 

MICHAEL (picks up the phone):
(singing) Hail to the Chief Financial Officer! (pauses) Oh, hi, Stephanie. Yes, I’ll hold.

 

PAM shoots a relieved look to the camera and starts to exit. MICHAEL, waiting for DAVID, grabs the hat and throws it after her. It bounces off the back of her head, to her annoyance.

We join PHYLLIS in the CONFERENCE ROOM. She’s dressed for a more typical workday than some, but she’s attached Joe Biden for President 1988 and 2008 buttons to her sweater, and another that reads “Ready to GO with Barack and JOE.”

 

PHYLLIS:
Oh, it’s so silly, the way people are about it. “I sold Joe Biden a pencil!” “I ride my bike to school the same way he did!” It’s just exciting, and people want to feel part of it. But you know the people who are really connected to the Bidens, we don’t feel the need to brag about it all the time. (She looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is paying attention to her talking head in the office, and then leans forward and whispers conspiratorially.) I knew them pretty good back in the day. Lost my virginity to one of his nephews.

 

We watch MICHAEL on the phone in HIS OFFICE, shot from outside. He’s pacing back and forth.

 

MICHAEL (upset, knows he’s in trouble):
Why would I need to ask? It’s my branch, and it’s a great idea! (listens) I mean, come on, David! What is this, Stalin and the USS? (listens) But… this… this is Scranton’s prodigal son! The whole town is celebrating him, and we’re not allowed? (listens) Where would anyone get the idea that this is the company taking sides?

 

KEVIN walks through the shot, now wearing a t-shirt with the Dunder Mifflin logo, a heart, and a picture of Joe Biden.

 

We cut to the CONFERENCE ROOM, where KELLY is settling down, although we seem to be joining a conversation already in progress. She’s still putting on her microphone, and from the sound quality she hasn’t turned it on yet as we arrive on the scene.

 

KELLY (looking farther off to the side than is typical for a talking head, as if she’s speaking directly to someone other than the camera):
I mean, you know the story, right? He’s just been elected to the Senate for the first time, he’s 30 years old, and his wife and kids get in this horrible car accident. His wife dies, his toddler daughter dies, one of his sons fractures his skull. (She pauses) You know, when my sister… she was merging onto the highway in bad weather, she got hit by a tractor-trailer. She was a little older than me, she was 28, finishing up med school. Her whole life was ahead of her and then… (Kelly blinks hard a few times.) I think a thing like that changes you. Teaches you something about how fragile life is, how easily it can all… go away. Hopefully a little something about compassion, empathy. I don’t know. They make so many decisions that impact so many lives, I think it’s good you have someone there who understands what it’s like to lose someone. Maybe it helps. (She sighs and shakes her head.) Anyways. Are you guys ready to shoot? (She seems to receive a signal from someone off camera.) Great. (She fluffs her hair a bit, reaches to her waist to click on her mike, and all of a sudden, she’s our girl KELLY KAPOOR again). I mean, this is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to everyone from Scranton, *ever*. And I bet now he’s going to run for president again, and maybe people will care next time. And that means *John Legend* might come to Scranton. Or Kanye. Sophia Bush, Brad, Matt and Ben. Do you know Obama was endorsed by all three Jessicas? We’re this close to being like… Pennsylvania-wood!

 

We cut to the BULLPEN, as a shaken and scrambling MICHAEL exits HIS OFFICE. JIM, PAM, and a grim but Uncle Sam hat-adorned DWIGHT all start to raise finger guns at him with various degrees of resignation.


MICHAEL:
Stop, stop that. And take that off.

 

He swipes the hat from DWIGHT and throws it into HIS OFFICE. DWIGHT looks a little relieved. JIM and PAM exchange confused looks, as we start to take in that MICHAEL has ditched the beard, bow tie and waistcoat and flipped the shirt inside out, leaving behind only the barbershop quartet pants.

 

MICHAEL:
We’ve gotta… we’ve gotta take all this down. (raising voice) I’m sorry, could I have everyone’s attention please? (Quick shots of folks tuning in at the STANLEY-PHYLLIS-ANDY clump, of the ACCOUNTING STACK and of CREED and MEREDITH). So I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve decided we shouldn’t be doing anything for Joe Biden Day.

 

ANGELA looks smug. Everyone else makes various expressions of confusion.

 

PAM:
Michael, you haven’t talked about anything but this since the election.

 

MICHAEL (getting steadily louder and more strident):
Well, you know what, Pam? Republicans buy paper, too. Magic Johnson said that, and he was right. (JIM gives a “not quite, Michael” look to the camera.) Dunder Mifflin is a company for everyone. We don’t care if you’re black or white or red or blue as long as you’ve got the green. And I just don’t think we should be seen as taking sides like this, so let’s just take all these decorations down. Kevin, maybe put a coat over that shirt. Oscar, lose the sticker. (OSCAR looks like he’s about to burst a blood vessel.) Phyllis, the buttons? Stanley, I’m sure you’ve got some swag from ya boy Barack to take down. (A quick look to camera from STANLEY.)

 

PHYLLIS:
Okay, but Michael…

 

MICHAEL:
Look, what if Joe The Plumber walked into this office right now? Wouldn’t we want to be able to say Joe The Plumber bought our paper?

 

DWIGHT:
Well, the paper needs of a plumbing business couldn’t be that large.


MICHAEL:
Dwight…


DWIGHT:
I’m just saying, I’d rather have Sam the Accountant or Jake the Lawyer.


MICHAEL:
God, Dwight, could you…

 

PHYLLIS:
But Michael, what about the sale? We’ve promised a bunch of people price reductions.

 

JIM:
Yeah, it’s going over really well. I’ve picked up a half-dozen new clients this morning.

 

MICHAEL (has clearly not thought about that before this moment):
Well, obviously we’re going to keep the sale going. The sale doesn’t have anything to do with Joe Biden.


JIM:
Then… why is it a 4.7% discount?

 

MICHAEL (opens and closes his mouth a few times, then…)
In honor of the great Roberto Clemente. #47. Also a Pennsylvanian, *and* he died in November. We’re doing this to honor the memory of one of the great Philadelphia Phillies.

KEVIN:
He played for the Pirates, Michael.

MEREDITH:
And died on New Year’s Eve.

JIM:
And wore number 21.

MICHAEL
Just… just… take the decorations down.

He spins on his heel and heads back to his OFFICE.

KEVIN (calls after him):
Can we still leave early for the…

MICHAEL:
NO!

He slams the door behind him.

We cut to DAVID WALLACE’S OFFICE.

DAVID WALLACE (well-rehearsed):
Senator Obama winning is great for the country, and like all Americans I wish him success. It’s going to make us truly united, a huge victory for equality. Beyond that, I’m really not comfortable talking about my personal politics on camera.

 

As he speaks, the camera zooms in on a group of photos on the wall behind him: DAVID WALLACE shaking hands with John McCain; DAVID WALLACE doing a grip-and-grin with Dick Cheney; a candid shot of DAVID WALLACE and HIS WIFE chatting over canapes at a fundraiser with Paul Ryan.

 

We then return to the office for a quick whip-around. KEVIN sadly puts his Big Dogs photo in a drawer. KELLY removes a campaign sign she’s hung in her nook. JIM helps PAM take down the banner, while DWIGHT, on the phone, watches with satisfaction.

 

DWIGHT (in voiceover, then flipping to a talking head):
Oh, I’m very pleased. The sale’s fine, but the rest of it? (He scoffs.) Maybe these city folk are fans of Joe Biden. But I’ll tell you, he’s no friend of the root vegetable farmer. Sold us out to the beet growers in Mexico and China. Disgraceful. (Thoughtful, with an increasingly far-off look in his eye…) It is something, though. Just a boy from Lackawanna County, rising to power. Armies at his command, nuclear football at his side. Really makes you think… what else can a Scranton boy do? (DWIGHT is staring off into space, and starts to smirk.)

 

Smash cut to a conference room talking head with JIM.

Whose eyes widen in silent horror as we…

…cut to a talking head with CREED.

CREED:
In the spring of 1968, I played Archbold Stadium in Syracuse with The Grassroots. After the show, this law student comes up to me, says he digs our music. Seems like a cool head, so I tell him he should come hang out with us. We shared a couple brews, smoke a little grass, have a few laughs, steal a Caddy, vandalize a draft board, write what eventually became the opening chords to our hit song Midnight Confessions. Fun Tuesday. But the guy tells me that once he graduates, he’s going to go into politics. And a few years later, shows up on the news… as Joe Biden. (very matter of fact) Nice guy. That Obama fella too. (beat) I would’ve voted for them if the state of Florida let felons cast a ballot.

Chapter End Notes:
The dunking on the political achievements of Cornell alumni are actually a little misplaced - I have rather purposefully ignored American legend Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Class of '54), a handful of senators, a bunch of cabinet secretaries and Gabby Giffords. Rep. Beth Van Duyne would have been in undergrad about when Andy was, although she wasn't in Congress at this point. But such sacrifices must be made for comedy. I'm sure Cornell understands. And I hope RBG does.

Also, my apologies for the slight slur on Pam's knowledge, but real talk: an awful lot of Americans don't know what the Vice-President does, and she gets the right answer in the end. My head canon is that Pam got super involved in politics after 2016.

Interestingly, prominent among the names that popped up as celebrity endorsers of Barack Obama: Rashida Jones and Kate Flannery! The latter of which is funny to me because Meredith has definitely never voted in her life. I thought about having Kelly make reference to it, but I decided it was too distracting.

My interpretation of Kelly, for the record, is based on a *very* specific headcanon in which this is all kind of a put-on for the cameras to get her more screentime and hopefully her own reality show, because life is short and she's not going to waste the opportunity to make herself a star. Remember her wink to the camera when she 'accidentally' embarrasses Jan during Boys and Girls? That's the real Kelly, and one of our few sightings of her. Maybe.

And finally: I am fully aware the 'Straight Outta Compton' meme joke is anachronistic. But it made me smile.

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