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Author's Chapter Notes:

Once again, thank you to Coley for letting me reuse this title, the story just wouldn't be the same without it. 

I pulled a Twilight and based this story off of a dream I had almost a year ago, and I gotta say, the dream itself was probably better. So, sorry about that. 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, unfortunately.  

“UGHHHH!!!!!”

(y/n) jumps out of their skin at the loud outburst from behind and turns to see a man stomping around, grunting like a caveman. (y/n) doesn’t know the man but he’s wearing a suit, so they assume he is there for the wedding, just like they are. But (y/n) also isn’t sure because he also looks depressed and angry and upset and confused and agitated and hurt and distressed and worried and frazzled, which is normally not how people feel at weddings. (y/n) would know, since they’re a professional wedding go-er.

(y/n) walks over to the man and pats his shoulder, “What’s wrong with you?”

The man looks at (y/n) and sighs, covering his face with his hands. “My life is what’s wrong!!”

“Ok and?”

“How will I ever move on from this?!!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The man gestures around him, as if the lavender roses and bright teal table runners will give all the answers. (y/n) just stares at him though, because roses and table runners don’t talk so they obviously can’t tell them what’s going on, so the man groans and says, “I’m in love!”

“Ok and?”

“I’m in love with Pam!”

“Who?”

“The bride.”

“Oh. Sucks.”

“Yeah. It sucks. And now she’s going to marry Roy and have his big, stupid babies and I’m going to die alone.”

“Just tell her lol.”

The man looks at (y/n), flabbergasted. “What?”

(y/n) puts on a mocking tone, “’Pam, I love you, let’s run into the sunset together.’ Easy peezy lemon squeezy.”

“How can I tell her? She’s getting married in,” the man checks his watch and gasps loudly, “FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!”

(y/n) shrugs and looks around the room, finding another man, with square glasses and a middle part. “He probably has a pigeon you can use.”

“Dwight? He is my mortal enemy; I could never ask him for help.”

(y/n) looks over at the other guy. “YO DWIGHT!!”

The man, Dwight, looks at (y/n) and the miserable man beside them and rolls his eyes so far back (y/n) is sure they’re going to pop right out and drop into the bowl of punch that the man, Dwight, is standing in front of. But the man, Dwight, fixes his turned-back eyes and walks over to (y/n) and the miserable man. “Jim, why do you look even more stupid than usual?”

“Dwight, why do you look even more annoying than usual?”

“Jim, why do you look even more sad than usual?”

“Dwight, why do you look even more mustard yellow than usual?”

“Jim, why do you look even more stupid than usual?”

“You already said that.”

“Oh yeah lol.”

(y/n) hits them both upside the head simultaneously. “Focus. Dwayne, do you—”

“My name is Dwight. He literally just said it like three times.”

“Whatever. Do you have a pigeon we can use?”

“Uh, yeah?” Dwight reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a pigeon. “Do you really think I’d go anywhere without one?”

“I don’t know you.”

“That sounds like a you problem.”

Jim sighs, “What are we going to do with a pigeon?”

(y/n) and Dwight speak simultaneously, “You are going to write a letter to Pam confessing your love and then send it with the pigeon to her so she will read it and fall in love with you and y’all will kiss or whatever.”

Jim looks at Dwight. “How did you know I’m in love with Pam?”

“I didn’t. I think I just got possessed or something.”

“Ok well can I use your pigeon?”

“Ok.”

Jim takes a piece of paper and pen out of his pocket and starts to write a note to Pam. (y/n) and Dwight discuss the differences between human and horses’ digestive systems and why the horses’ is better, obviously.

“Done.” Jim rubs his hands together as he stands up and then folds the note into a little square so the pigeon can carry it easily to Pam without anyone seeing what is inside. “Give me the bird.”

“His name is Percival.”

(y/n) looks at Dwight. “That sounds like a medication.”

“It is not. Percival is the name of one of the knights of the Round Table who—”

“I don’t care.” (y/n) interrupts, grabbing Percival from Dwight’s hands. “Here.” They hand Percival to Jim who ties the note to Percival’s leg and tells him to deliver it to Pam immediately.

The three of them stand and watch Percival fly away.

“Ok bye.”

(y/n) walks away and sits back down in their seat.

 

***

 

 “UGHHHH!!!!!”

(y/n) looks up and sees a girl in a white dress, and after using their detective skills, figures out that that must mean she’s the bride. Or maybe not, since she looks angry and upset and confused and agitated and hurt and distressed and worried and frazzled, which is normally not how brides feel at weddings. (y/n) would know, since they’re a professional wedding go-er.

But then (y/n) remembers the girl standing at the end of the aisle during the wedding, and so knowing she is Pam the bride, (y/n) goes up to her and says, “What’s wrong?”

“Roy got hot dogs!!

“Who?”

“My husband!”

“Oh. Sucks.”

“I told him I wanted mixed berry cake and he just got a stack of hot dogs!!”

“Maybe the hot dogs are mixed berry flavor.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah.”

Pam sighs, “I just wish that I had a sign that I shouldn’t have married Roy.”

Just then, Percival flies through the open window and lands on Pam’s shoulder.

“What is this?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about him.” (y/n) chuckles.

“There’s a note!”

Pam unties the note from Percival’s leg and unfolds it, reading Jim’s words.

 

Dear Pam,

I couldn’t hold it in any longer

If I kept this to myself, I couldn’t be more wronger

You are so hot, like an overworked computer

You make my heart feel like it’s riding a scooter

I’m in love with you, I can’t help it

I think you’re more attractive than Brad Pitt

Love,

Jim

 

“Oh my God!” Pam gasped, clutching the note and starting to cry.

“What?” (y/n) says.

“Jim loves me!! He really loves me!!!!” Pam exclaims between sobs.

“That’s cool.”

Pam looks at (y/n). “I need to find him and tell him I love him too!”

“Didn’t you just get married to someone else?”

“Yeah, but he got hot dogs and that’s a total dealbreaker. It’s only been like thirty minutes, so it doesn’t really count anyway.” Pam shrugs.

“Ok.”

“Have you seen Jim?”

“What’s he look like?”

“Tall. Shaggy, brown hair. Lanky. Kind of looks like Gumby, but in a hot way.”

“Oh. Yeah, I saw him.”

“Where is he?”

“Idk.”

You just said you saw him!”

“Oh. Yeah, I did.”

“Where?”

“Huh?”

“Where did you see him?”

“Who?”

“Jim!”

“Who’s that?”

“He’s tall. Has shaggy, brown hair. Lanky. Kind of looks like Gumby, but in a hot way.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah, I saw him this morning. He was crying about some girl getting married today who he loved.”

“Yeah, that’s me!”

“Oh. Congratulations!”

“Do you know where he is now?”

“I think he said he was going to go to Walmart.”

“Walmart, of course. That’s his favorite place to go when he’s sad! Ok. I can find him!”

“Can I come? I need to get some beans for dinner.”

“Ok.”

Pam and (y/n) leave the church and drive to Walmart. They go inside and look all over the store.

“He’s over here!!” Pam yells to (y/n).

“PAM?!” Jim gasps. “What are you doing here?!?!”

“I came to find you!”

“Why?”

“A pigeon flew up to me—”

“His name is Percival.” (y/n) says.

“Ok. Percival flew up to me and I read your note and I realized how much of a stupid head I am for not seeing it sooner! I love you too, Jim!”

“YOU DO?!”

“YES!”

“Oh, Pam!! This is the happiest day of my life!! But what about Roy? You just married him.”

“Yeah, I don’t care lol.”

“Ok cool.”

Jim turns to (y/n) to thank them for helping him and Pam finally get together, but (y/n) is nowhere to be found.

“That’s weird.” Pam said.

“Oh well. Want to go to my house?”

“Ok.”

 

***

 

(y/n), pushing tent poles together, looks up at Percival who is sitting on the Walmart sink. “Well, buddy, it’s just you and me.”

Percival coos.

“Yep. We helped a Gumby impersonator admit his true feelings. Got some random chick to drive us to Walmart. Got enough free hot dogs to last a couple of weeks. I’d say we made out good.”

Percival coos.

(y/n) stands up as he pushes the poles through the tent fabric and catches his reflection in the mirror. Sure, the wig is now crooked and the suit he stole this morning is at least two sizes too big, but no one had caught him. Crashing weddings was Creed’s favorite thing to do, as long as no one called the coppers on him. He’d learned long ago that he had to dress the part if he wanted in for the food and jewelry and booze, hence the disguise. He never would have thought that he also would have gotten a free ride home, too.

Before going to bed, he makes a mental note that the receptionist’s wedding is tomorrow, so at least he won’t have to dress up for that one.

Chapter End Notes:
Happy April Fools Day! 


nicemorningtoo is the author of 27 other stories.
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