She knew.

            She knew that it was mostly guilt that motivated him to approach her.  Knew that her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.  She could feel it in every word spoken with the forced nonchalance that had characterized all of the conversations since he had come back.  He was talking to her because she could no longer hide the despair and regret and loneliness that had etched themselves into her face.  And both of them felt guilty for hoping that they might be able to go back to the way that they had been before. 

            She pretended she didn’t know.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            She pretended.

            She pretended for a few moments that he had never left, that he had never moved on and stranded her far behind, unable to leave his shadow.  She pretended that he ate lunch with her because he really wanted to, not because Karen was gone that day.  And she found that laughter still came easily between them.  His company still made her feel alive in a way that no one else’s could. He made her feel funny, feel talented, feel confidant, feel beautiful, and for the umpteenth time she felt like crying as she realized just how much his friendship meant to her.

            Friendship.  It was something that she had never had with Roy.  It was the reason why she was so completely in love with him. 

            She smiled when he pulled a ham and cheese sandwich out of his lunch bag for the first time since coming back, and wondered if maybe she still had hope.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            She smiled.

            She did not laugh.  Not even when Dwight and Andy’s voices escalated to yells.  She had to bite her lip when Michael came running out of his office, mediation guidebook in hand.

            “Okay, okay, what’s the problem?” he asked, striving for an authoritative tone and only sounding eager.  “Whoa, whoa, wh-wh-whoa!” he interjected as both men started talking at once.  “Andy, go.”

            “Michael, that’s not fair, why does he get to – ”

            “Just… shut it Dwight.”

            “Thank you Michael.”  She could practically see the rings of smoke billowing from Andy’s nostrils.  “This man thought it might be funny to put my stapler in jello.”

            “I told you, it wasn’t me, it was Jim!”

            “A little too quick with the accusations Schrute!” bellowed Andy.  “Didn’t think that I was smart enough to figure out your little plan, huh? Thought that I’d see the jello, blame Halpert, and you’d get off free, huh?”

            Jim seized the pause in between Andy’s next sentence. “I’d just like to point our that that is strawberry jello, and I prefer to use lemon.  Details, Dwight, really.”  She bit down on her lip even harder.

            “Seriously, you got him to run a whole mile?  Well, it’s good to know that I left Dwight in such good hands Beesly.”           

 “I coulda done better.  I tried to put his bobblehead in jello, but I couldn’t get the consistency right.  It kept falling to the bottom of the bowl.”          

  “The one that looks like Dwight?”           

 “Of course.”          

  “And you were just gonna give up?  C’mon, I have an idea.”           

“Ooh, more bobbleheads?”           

“No, I’ve got another idea.  You can’t beat the master yet Beesly.”           

 “I never thought I could.”

            Jim met her gaze across the room, eyes shining with humor and triumph, and suddenly she felt less like laughing and more like singing.

            She waited patiently for the spat to finish so that they could revel in their first success together in months.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            She waited. 

            The noise of the turning pages exhilarated and scared her at the same time as she tried to decide whether or not to tell him that he was the first person that she had shown her sketchbook to besides her art teacher.  She hadn’t even let her mom look through it.

            He reached the last page and closed the book almost reverently.  “So,” she asked, “did you like them?”

            “Pam… they’re incredible.”  She didn’t need to hear anything more.  His expression alone had ignited a warm glow of pride within her body.

            She wondered about the gleam in his eyes as he looked down at her.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            She wondered.

            For the first time hardly a moment passed during the workday when her mind wasn’t flooded with unanswerable questions.  She wondered if Jim really loved Karen.  If he thought Karen was nicer than she was, funnier than she was, prettier than she was.

            She wondered what might have happened if she had stopped him from leaving.  If she had broken the engagement sooner.  If she had called him, emailed him, texted him, even when she wasn’t ready.

            On her good days she wondered if he still loved her.  On her bad days she cursed herself for wondering, for wanting him to be with her after she had broken his heart, for bearing a grudge against Karen who had never spoken an unkind word to her.

            In spite of everything, she hoped that they still had a chance.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            She hoped.

            She watched him smile again and she hoped.

            He started indulging his sweet tooth again and she hoped.

            She listened to him laugh again and she hoped.

            They rebuilt their friendship again and she hoped.

            She basked in the sound of his voice again and she hoped.

            And she willingly gave him her whole heart.