If I could speak of one, last thing

That would be forgotten in the ‘morrow’s light

Destroyed with the sun that kills the sweet night

I would tell you about this pain in my heart

The agony that sets the world apart

The feel of your lips against my own

All that I wish for when I’m alone

A feeling that is held above

This aching feeling of unrequited love 

She wishes everyday that she could tell him. Once. That she could tell him how she felt. How she really felt for a change, but that ship had sailed, and she hadn’t gotten on board. She wanted to feel the perfect contours of his lips against hers again. Again; that was the thing. She had passed that up. Karen had that right now.

            She had seen them together earlier. She had abandoned her party for some relief from the noise and happiness (when it was the complete opposite of how she was feeling now) and found herself in the snack room where Jim and Karen were entwined together in a gnashing fury of lips and tongues. The irony of it was that this was the only room Michael had forgotten to put Mistletoe in. Her heart broke into a million pieces on the floor. She felt her hands clench so hard her nails actually broke the skin. She barely felt the blood trickle down the palms of her hands and run over her fingertips. She wasn’t even thinking as she backed out of the doorway, refusing to glance back. She had ignored Jim’s voice behind her, calling her name, she had just kept going. She had to get away from there. Far, far away. After all, she was good at running right? She was deathly afraid of the amount of pain her battered and confused heart was going to have to withstand if she continued to work here. She wanted her safe-wall of defenses back. She damned Jim Halpert for taking them away from her. She even damned herself for falling in love with him. There were only two things in this entire world that she had settled on; she loved him, and it was entirely her fault she was so miserable.

            As if she was craving more internal abuse, the place she had escaped to was the roof. She almost laughed at the irony as her fingers wrapped themselves around her red plastic cup. The water droplets that clung to the side now cooled the wounds she had involuntarily inflicted upon herself. She winced a little as she adjusted to the soothing sensation. The cold air played across her face and she slipped into a more and more relaxed state, despite the biting chill of the Pennsylvania winter.

            Her thoughts were becoming more and more blurred and clashed together until they were unbelievably incoherent, when she heard the door behind her open. She spun around, nearly falling out of the lawn chair to see who she expected was going to be Jim. Instead, it was Creed.

            “You look down, kiddo,” he said somberly, his eyes filled with a concern that was so much more appealing than the usual blankness in his stare.  Pam turned to him and nodded. For an instant, she felt like breaking down in tears on Creed’s shoulder; but only for an instant.

            “Well, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you are doing here, but you need a little magic,” he whispered to her, with all the seriousness of someone who could have easily been saying that she was under arrest.

            She just rolled her eyes and tried to explain, “My name is Pam, I work at reception—” She stopped figuring it useless to remind Creed, once again, that she had worked there for four years and he did in fact know who she was. Instead, she nodded again, for the truth was, she could use some magic. Not that she was going to get any.

            “Well, Pam—god that name sounds familiar—anyway, I have something that might help you. In the 60’s I was present at hundreds of protests…can’t remember what we were protesting though,” he mumbled thoughtfully. He looked as though lost again, and Pam really just wanted to go home. She began to get up when he spoke again.

            “But, on May 11,—”, Pam let out a small gasp at the date, as if she could ever forget the day that changed her life. She leaned back in her chair, the pain almost being too much, “—1964, I’ll never forget that date because that day I met a man who gave me this,” Creed brandished a small, green, crushed velvet bag and placed it in the palm of her wounded hand. Pam tipped the bag’s contents in her hand and examined it. “Be careful with that!” Creed yelped, “That’s riddled with magic!”

            Pam laughed at this. Sure the dust was pretty, but magic? Was he kidding? Of course this was Creed; he very well might have thought that dust could make him fly if he wanted.

            “If you can sprinkle that dust on yourself, and you can say or do anything to anyone and they will forget it in 12 hours. Convenient, eh?”

            “What do you mean, convenient?” Pam asked, a bit more harshly than she intended.

            “You know very well,” Creed gazed at her sternly, “I use this to wipe away the fear and doubt.” It was such a un-Creed-like thing to say. Pam was caught in a haze of suspicion and hope. She was pulling apart words that were evidently sticking together in her brain, but Creed wasn’t going to give her a chance to change her mind. He rose from the chair, the drug induced blankness pouring back into his eyes.

            He walked off the roof, mumbling something about if the nice lady from the soup kitchen would fancy a dinner with him, while Pam just sank back in her seat and groaned. This was too much. Jim was with Karen. Creed was giving her fairy dust. And Peter Jackson wasn’t directing The Hobbit. Way. Too. Much.

            But what the hell? She was going to have to tell Jim someday, right? Why not use the dust to get his reaction first? And if the dust didn’t work…well at least he would know how she felt. Pam took the bag, closed her eyes, and upturned it over her head. A shimmering, dark blue cloud of dust descended upon her and settled onto her body. When Pam stood to brush it off, however, the dust had melded into her skin, completely transparent. She shrugged, more puzzled than she wanted to let on, even to herself.

            Pam was shocked at how accepting of Creed’s dust she had been. 7 months ago she would have run downstairs to tell Jim and they would have joked and laughed together. But, this wasn’t 7 months ago. Things had somehow become vastly more complicated and she had become more desperate. She needed to know if he really had moved on…if he really was over her.

            She moved down the ladder like lightening, barely thinking twice while her eyes darted around the office searching for him. Her heart sank when she saw neither him, nor Karen. Pam, however, had changed; in both little ways, and big ways. And there was no denying it. So, this time—for the first time—she was going to fight her fears and tell him. In front of Karen if she had too.

            Thinking of every conversation they had ever had which had made an impact on her very soul, she fled to the parking lot, where she found him. He was sitting on the bend of a sidewalk, with his face buried in his hands. Pam cast her eyes pleadingly towards the sky and silently begged God that this would finally be okay. Although her heart was pleading for her to turn around, screaming that it couldn’t stand anymore pain, she resolutely strode forward and sat next to him on the pavement. If he was stunned to see her, he didn’t betray it. Jim barely even glanced at her before speaking,

            “I need to know what’s going on here, Pam.” She took a deep breath. It didn’t help. Pam could already feel tears welling up that were not supposed to be there before she started this.

            “Funny you should ask—” but Jim cut her off.

            “No, I don’t need a joke. I don’t need anymore of…” he sighed and shook his head “—you know what, it doesn’t matter. I need the truth, but for some reason you don’t want to give it to me.” He started to rise but she gripped his arm and held him back.

            “No, wait, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for telling you that I couldn’t when I was really just scared. I’m sorry for not calling you about the wedding. I’m so sorry for it all and I wish I could take it back. And I know you need the truth, and the truth is that I’m so in love with you, and…maybe you still feel it too?” It was more of a plea than a question. And she saw a familiar sadness stir in those perfectly green eyes.

            “Pam…it’s not that I don’t—it’s just that—damn it Pam it’s too late. You made your choice and there is no going back…I can’t live a life with you knowing that I was the second choice after the wedding fell through.” He gently pulled his arm out of her grasp and stood up. Jamming his hands into his pockets, and began to walk away.

            “No, Jim! You don’t understand,” she cried out at him, “I ended it because of you! I love you! Please…please you have to understand this…”

            She didn’t even realize that she was off the concrete, never remembered running up to him and wrapping her fingers around his forearm to hold him back.

She was lost in pain until she heard his whispers…far off in the distance, but growing louder in every breath.

            “Let go…Let go, Pam…Let go…”

            When she released, it wasn’t his arm that was out of her grip. But, it was his voice full of panic as she let the cold metal rail go. She was standing on the edge of the roof having just released the metal railing, a pair of strong hand pulling her gently away from the edge.

            She didn’t have to see his face to know who was guiding her backwards. Pam spun around quickly and instantly her hands wound themselves around the fabric of his shirt, and pulled her face onto his chest. She felt arms around her as she was held tighter against his body, sobbing his name over and over again.

            “Jim…Jim, you said no, you said no…” if this confused him, he didn’t mention it. He just held her, his hands treading a soft path up and down her back, whispering to her sweetly,

            “Pam…oh, Pam it’s okay…shhh…everything is okay…I’ve got you it’s okay…” When her sobs had finally subsided, somewhat, Jim released her and asked “What, exactly was this about?” He smiled weakly at her.

            “I had a dream. Well at least I think it was a dream…hope it was a dream…” Pam mumbled, wanting to be back in his arms; needing to be back in his arms. But she didn’t dare, she was still unsure about what the hell had happened. Everything seemed so vivid. Her fingers still had the memories of the cold concrete. Her heart was still cut with the sharpness of Jim’s words. What if that was really how he felt? She couldn’t have him think he was a second choice. That’s one lie that she refused to let live.

            So, without giving herself anytime to question the words she opened her mouth and let her heart speak for once.

            “You weren’t a second choice you are my first choice! Please, please, believe me. I really love you, please...” Of course, she soon realized that what she had said probably made no sense, but Jim didn’t seem to care. He had just scooped her up to press against him and sighed into her hair. She wrapped her arms around him too, this time without the slightest hesitation. She felt his lips against her head and it made her weak at the knees, but if she fell, it didn’t matter. Jim was standing right there to pick her up.

            “That must have been one hell of a dream, Beesley,” he chuckled. Pam smiled and tilted her head up to kiss him.

            “I’m deeply in love with you, Jim,” she whispered against his lips, but before she could touch them to her own he pulled back.

            “Pam, this is…huge but I can’t right now.” It was at that moment, with those crushing words, that Pam truly understood why he left for Stamford. She was actually thinking of San Diego. “That didn’t come out right at all,” he said, frowning at the implications and memories of those words, “I mean, that I love you too, I have always loved you, I always will. But right now…you know I’m seeing Karen now. I really can’t hurt her like this. She doesn’t deserve it.” Jim saw the tears begin to reform in Pam’s eyes, and he never wanted to do that to her. Never even thought of it. As he panicked for something to say, she stopped him.

            “It’s alright. I really do understand...Karen is a great person. I don’t want you to hurt her.” Jim nodded, and moved to hug her again, but she stepped back. His touch would be so bitter sweet at the moment “I think I better go…back home,” Pam sighed, as she began to walk towards her car. She turned one last time to see Jim hang his head, in a mirror of absolute sadness, and Pam couldn’t bear to see that again. So, in a last-ditch effort for a little happiness for the moment, she gave him the grandest smile she could muster and yelled across the parking lot “I love you Jim Halpert, Merry Christmas!” earning her a complementary Jim grin. Her favorite one, the one that reaches all the way to his eyes, the one that is saved for her.

            “Best. Gift. Ever. Beesley, I’m nominating it for a Dundie!” He yelled back, making her laugh. His favorite laugh. The one he caused.

            Finally, she thought as she climbed into her car and smiled at nothing in particular. Because, as complicated as things were, she new everything was on the track to being okay.

            Jim was still grinning when he walked to his car, but the elation didn’t last long. The gentle buzzing in his pocket was alerting him to a call, and it was from Karen. He had never gotten much joy from talking to Karen, but today it was nothing short of dread and disappointment. He had hoped it was Pam.

            “Hello?” he answered

            “Hey! Where are you? I’ve got dinner ready and everything. What’s wrong? You seem a little upset…” She sounded so happy. How in the hell had he managed to get himself into this?

            “No, no…I’m not upset, but we need to talk about something. It’s actually kind of important.” He hoped he hadn’t sounded to somber…it was never his intention to do this. How had he done this?

            “Okay! Just get over here before everything gets cold.”

            “Alright, see you in a bit.” He clicked the phone shut faster than he intended, and he immediately regretted it. He had this feeling that he was going to be regretting a lot of things tonight.

            He still couldn’t believe how bad things had gone until he pulled up to Pam’s apartment, his head pounding and bleeding a little. He braced himself on one hand on the door frame, as he pressed the buzzer with the other. When he heard her voice answer sleepily, he first began to think how late it was, but his head was hurting so badly that his thoughts didn’t get far.

            “Pam, it’s me—please let me in. I think I’m bleeding.” That was a lie. He knew he was bleeding. But that didn’t matter, because it took all of two seconds before she not only buzzed him in, but had run down the stairs to help him. Her eyes went very wide when she saw the gash on his right temple.

            “Oh, my god,” she whispered as she gingerly pressed her fingers to the wound. “What happened? Who did this?”

            He couldn’t exactly form a sentence at the moment, so he used one word and he hoped she would understand, “Karen.” She understood. He watched as the comprehension swept its fingers across her face. She led him into her apartment, and sat him down upon the couch and fled to the kitchen for some peroxide and a cloth. Before dabbing the peroxide on his head she gently kissed the abrasion. Pam slipped her hand into his, and he didn’t move it.

            “Well, this has been some Christmas,” she said lightly as began to clean the dried blood off. He winced a little as the peroxide began its work cleaning, and she gripped his hand a little tighter.

            “Yeah, definitely a little unconventional,” he remarked, “I thought you would be leaving for your parents tonight. I mean tomorrow is Christmas Eve…” He had no idea why that sounded so sad, so desperate. Maybe it was because he knew he wasn’t going to get to see his family this year.

            “How is Jonathan, by the way? I mean---is he going to be okay?” She asked, genuinely concerned.

            “Yeah, they say the bullet nicked an artery, but they repaired the tear. I just don’t know what he was thinking…I mean, Brazil is already dangerous, but…you shouldn’t try to be a hero.” Jim felt his eyes beginning to burn. He still couldn’t shake the fear of the phone call that told him his brother had been shot in a liqueur store robbery, trying to stop the culprits.

            “He was just trying to help…I’m sorry you couldn’t be there, I wish I could help…”

            “There’s nothing you can do, Pam. But, please change the subject. I’m trying to hang on to a little of the Christmas spirit. However a series of painful circumstances are making that difficult.” He pointed to his head.

            “What did she throw at you?”

            “That’s a vague question, Beesley. More like what didn’t she throw at me? Or you could ask what she hit me with.” He laughed again. Pam was shocked at how much she had missed that wonderful sound. She couldn’t resist, she plopped herself on the couch next to him, and rested her head on his shoulder. His arm instinctively wound around her, protecting her.

            “I pick the last one,” she answered, more comfortable than ever.

            “A china plate.”

            “Ouch.”

            “Yeah, ouch. I kind of deserved it though. I’ve never been great with breaking up with people. You should have seen the Katy fiasco.” He felt Pam grimaced a little at Katy’s name, confirming what he had suspected for some time; Pam was jealous. The thought made him a little happier, although he wasn’t sure why.

            “Hopefully you will never have to break up with anyone again.” Jim wasn’t sure if he heard her right---was she implying, what he thought she was implying? As usual she read his thoughts, “Please, Jim…I know I made you wait for so long…but I can, and I do, and I want too. I love you.” He cocked his head a little and smiled at her. And as he leaned down to kiss her he whispered,

            “I’ll think about it,” prompting her to retort,

            “Better hurry or I’ll take it back. These things don’t last forever, Halpert.”

            “Oh, I think they do.” He kissed her.

            “Really? What makes you say that?” She kissed him back.

            “Because I love you so much, and right now I’m thinking you feel the same.”

            “You would be thinking right.” This time their kiss lasted a little longer, and each kiss that had that night purged them of all the sorrow, regret and pain that had been suffered, and paved the road to a happy ending.