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Story Notes:
None of these characters belong to me.


They start dating in January. The first time he visits her apartment she turns on the stereo and he strains to make out the music that plays low. His heart sinks a little when he recognizes it as a band Jim would like. When Pam sits down on the couch next to him and takes his hand, he wants to ask her if they are doing this because she doesn't like to be alone or because Jim is dating Karen.

 

*

 

She studies the reflection in the mirror, her fingers finding the necklace, new and shiny and resting against her collarbone. It's bigger than the one she used to wear and she's a little worried that the change is too obvious. The bathroom door swings open and Karen walks in behind her. She averts her eyes when she realizes its Pam, but gives her a swift nod as she moves towards the stalls.

"Hey," she replies lamely, her hand dropping from her neck.

The office is louder than usual this time of day. People laugh and talk and there's a general bustle in the office as everyone packs up to go home. Toby appears at her desk at five after and she gives him a disappointed look. "I still have faxes to send." His shoulders slump, but he nods, understanding. She jumps up, catching his wrist, which is warm against her palm. "I'll walk you out." She grabs her coat and follows him out, feeling Jim's eyes on her.

 

*

 

He decides to take Sasha to one of those places with an indoor jungle gym, a maze of bright colored plastic, and walls that seem to reflect the noise instead of absorb it. He asks Pam to come with them. At first, she tries to follow Sasha through. He can spot her bigger frame and messy curls growing frizzy with static as he talks to the other parents, but she gives up after awhile, and crosses over to them, her face bright, her fingers combing through her hair. She hangs back, waiting for him to finish his conversation. One of the moms notices his gaze and glances over at Pam, smiling at him. "Who's your friend?" Toby feels a grin pulling at his cheeks and glances down at his hands in his lap before he excuses himself and walks over to her.

"Hi," she says, still a little breathless from her excursion into the winding plastic tubes that are impossibly small for adults.

"You looked like you were having fun," he nods towards Sasha, who's waving at them from the top of one of the plastic towers.

"I was," she agrees. "She's a sweet kid, Toby."

"You're good with her." He wants to remember how her face lights up when he says that. It's different from the regular pinkish glow she carries in her cheeks. It's better.

"Thank you," she whispers, smoothing her jeans before she slips her hand into his.

 

*

 

The office is silent when she enters and it's a strange contrast to how busy the office had been just been minutes before. She finds herself fiddling around on her computer even though she should be in a rush to get home like everyone else. The charm of the necklace bounces lightly as she walks back to the break room for a drink. Jim's sitting at one of the tables when she comes in and she jumps slightly, thinking she was alone in the office. He doesn't look up at her and so she ignores him as well, walking around to buy a Diet Coke. His brow is furrowed and she can't ignore his silence, so she asks what's wrong.

"Karen and I, uh, we're not together anymore."

"Oh," she says, her voice almost hushed. Her fingers travel up to the necklace involuntarily.

He nods at it. "Toby has good taste." There's no question in his voice and she looks for the bitterness in his eyes.

"Yeah," she nods, faltering at any explanation.

"Do you love him?" His voice is low and she doesn't hear anything in it. It's empty, hollow, and it scares her a little.

"I think I could."

 

*

 

She calls later that night and she hems and haws over the phone until he asks her what's wrong.

"Nothing," she breathes. "Wasn't Sasha's parent-teacher conference tonight?"

"Yeah, it was at six."

"How was it? I mean, what did she say?"

"It was fine," he breathes. "She's doing well. She gets along well with others, all of that." He doesn't tell her that Sasha's teacher reminds him of his ex-wife or the first thing he noticed was she wasn't wearing a ring. He could make her laugh. He always hears the hesitation in Pam's laugh, remembering the way she used to laugh, hunched over, conspiring with Jim in the break room.

Maybe this is wrong. He suddenly thinks about Sasha, how Pam is teaching her to draw, how she wants Pam to read her bedtime stories, and how his kid is falling in love with someone who isn't him.

This isn't working.

 

*

 

She shows up to his race the next Saturday, because he manages to disappear out the door everyday without her noticing. She knows Sasha is with her mom this weekend, but he never mentioned any plans, didn't even call to ask her over. She thinks she knows what's happening, but she hasn't talked to Jim all week either and she doesn't think she can stand losing another friend. Pretty soon she'll be forced to talk to Kelly.

He comes over the slight hill and she lets out his name without even realizing it. When he sees her, his face pulls up into a small smile, and for a little while, things are okay.

 

*

 

He tells her one day. They're sitting in his car after having lunch downtown.

"I think you should try things with Jim."

"Toby…" Her mouth is open, but she doesn't respond. After a moment, she turns to look out the window.

"I just…if you don't, you'll always be unhappy, Pam. And I don't want you to be unhappy." He's surprised to see the tears in her eyes when she turns back towards him.

She sniffles, nods, and leans across the console to brush a kiss across his cheek. Her hand is on the door handle when she stops.

"Toby? I--"

He nods at her. "I know."

She bites her lip and slips out of the car. He lets his head fall back against the headrest, closing his eyes.

 

*

 

 

 



mixedberries is the author of 13 other stories.



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