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I own nothing at all. SADLY. So...don't sue me.
 

PBeesly: Your place or mine?

JHalpert: Oh no Pam…not that line.

PBeesly: I’m sorry I’ve just always wanted to say that and now I get to.

JHalpert: You’ve always wanted to say that? So it’s not really specific to me or anything? Awesome!

PBeesly: That’s not what I meant.

JHalpert: Well Pam mean what you say.

PBeesly: Jim in the spirit of peace…please give me a second chance.

JHalpert: ::sigh:: ok. This better be good.

PBeesly: Whose home would you like to have sex in tonight? Mine or yours?

JHalpert: SO much better…thank you. Yours please. Mark had some people over last night and I’m pretty sure the place is a mess.

PBeesly: Perfect. I can’t wait to have you over so that we can have sex.

JHalpert: That’s refreshing Pam. That’s refreshing.

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: Michael knows.

PBeesly: What? What do you mean he knows? Did you tell him?

JHalpert: Why would I tell him?

PBeesly: Well I’m sorry…but your track record isn’t good in that department.

JHalpert: Wow. No, I did not tell him.

PBeesly: Then how?

JHalpert: Oh I don’t know…maybe he noticed I was wearing the same shirt I had on yesterday??

PBeesly: What? Why is he paying attention to your shirts? That’s dumb.

JHalpert: Yesterday he asked me where I’d gotten it because he liked it…so I guess he paid special attention.

PBeesly: Ugh. Stop wearing clothes that Michael likes.

JHalpert: That is a fantastic solution. Thank you Pam.

PBeesly: Or I guess you could just stop sleeping over.

JHalpert: I will wear hideous shirts from now on.

PBeesly: Good plan.

JHalpert: So…how should we handle this?

PBeesly: I don’t know…did you confirm?

JHalpert: I told him I’d lost the keys to my apartment and that Mark was out of town. I thought he believed me at first, but then he kept glancing in your direction and I don’t know…nodding at me…so I don’t know.

PBeesly: Ok…well, it’s not a huge deal right? We’ll just cop to it if he knows.

JHalpert: ‘Cop to it’?…it sounds like we stole something Pam.

PBeesly: My heart Jim…my heart.

JHalpert: Shut up.

PBeesly: It’s ok! I think I’m ready…you know? I’m kind of sick of hiding it anyway. I mean if Michael can date Jan…

JHalpert: Seriously? You’re ok with it?

PBeesly: Yeah…I mean I already told the person I was most concerned with knowing anyway, so…Nothing really compares to that.

JHalpert: Right….Ok then…if it happens, it happens.

PBeesly: Right

JHalpert: Good.

PBeesly: Perfect….how many sick days do you have left?

JHalpert: Pathetic.

  

PBeesly: If he knows he sure is being quiet about it. I’m a little scared.

JHalpert: Oh, I forgot to tell you…he doesn’t know.

PBeesly: What do you mean you forgot to tell me? How could you forget to tell me that?

JHalpert: Pam…somebody has to work. Not all of us can sit around doodling all day long.

PBeesly: :-(

JHalpert: I’m kidding! See, this is the problem with IMing. You can’t hear my tone Pam.  It looks great. Is that an idea for your assignment?

PBeesly: I don’t know...kinda messing around with it right now…so how do you know Michael doesn’t know?

JHalpert: Oh because he said next time I lost my key I should give him a shout and he’ll swing by and pick me up…you know hang out at Hooters.

PBeesly: Great

JHalpert: Pam, try not to be jealous of my relationship with Michael ok? Jeez…we’re just friends. Best friends really.

PBeesly: Well I worry…I remember what happened with your last best friend so…

JHalpert: Well yeah, but you shave your legs so…that works for me.

PBeesly: You’re the worst boyfriend ever.

PBeesly: STOP! DON’T EVEN SAY IT.

JHalpert: Wow. Ok, I won’t. :-)

 

~~~~~~~

 

PBeesly: So what did you think of my surprise?

JHalpert: Um…what surprise?

PBeesly: Come on Jim…it took enough out of me just to do it. Now you’re gonna make me say it?

JHalpert: I think you’re going to have to because I don’t know what you’re talking about.

PBeesly: Where did you put them? You’re not wearing them are you? Hehehe

JHalpert: I do not know what you are talking about.

PBeesly: Give it up for a better cause Halpert. The underwear that I put in your coat pocket.

JHalpert: I’m sorry?

PBeesly: I put my HOT PINK UNDERWEAR in your coat pocket! You just took it off.

JHalpert: Um…I do not have your underwear.

PBeesly: Yes you do. I slipped them in your coat pocket before your sales call.

JHalpert: Pam…I would know if I had a pair of your underwear in my pocket.

PBeesly: Did your hands not get cold?

JHalpert: What???

PBeesly: Maybe you didn’t put your hands in your pockets and didn’t find my underwear?

JHalpert: PAM I don’t think you put your underwear in my coat pocket.

PBeesly: No, I did!

JHalpert: I don’t think you did.

PBeesly: Oh my God…Oh no…

JHalpert: Take a deep breath…check the other coats.

PBeesly: Ok…hold on….

PBeesly: Oh my God Jim, they’re not in any of the pockets!!!!!!!

JHalpert: Ok, just relax are you sure you didn’t just…forget to do it?

PBeesly: Jim! I’m pretty sure I know when I’m not wearing panties!

JHalpert: Wait, these are the underwear you were wearing?!

PBeesly: Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PBeesly: JIM! RESPOND! This is not a time to WORK!

JHalpert: SORRY! I just found out you’re not wearing panties Beesly, give me a minute here!

PBeesly: Jim, somebody in this office has my underwear.

JHalpert: Ok…it’s not…not a big deal. We’ll just figure it out.

PBeesly: Are you kidding me! This isn’t funny Jim!

JHalpert: I’m not laughing! Hey you’re the one who took off your underwear!

PBeesly: I know but I did it for you not Dwight or Andy or for God’s sake Michael!

JHalpert: Those are all very disturbing possibilities…don’t worry, we’ll find them.

  

JHalpert: Don’t panic.

PBeesly: Who has them?

JHalpert: Michael

PBeesly: Oh my God!

JHalpert: It’s ok…He called me into his office and proceeded to hold them up for me and ask me what I thought it meant that Jan left her underwear in his coat pocket.

PBeesly: Oh my God! What did you say!

JHalpert: That it obviously means she wants to continue having sex with him.

PBeesly: Ugh…

JHalpert: Well that’s what I thought it meant.

PBeesly: I know I just…now I have to think about Michael thinking about having sex…did you get them back?

JHalpert: I’m sorry?

PBeesly: My underwear

JHalpert: How the heck would I have gotten them back? No!

PBeesly: Jim! I don’t have any panties on!

JHalpert: I realize that…and am still suffering from shock and awe. But what was I supposed to say to the guy? Um, excuse me but those are Pam’s underwear and she meant to put them in my coat pocket, not yours…so if you’ll just excuse me I’ll be taking those back.

PBeesly: I’m gonna cry

JHalpert: Pam

PBeesly: This is absolutely the last time I do anything like this…I don’t know what I was thinking

JHalpert: Pam don’t make any rash decisions! Wait until you’ve had a little while to cool off. Think of all the people this decision could effect…Me…Michael.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: The hot pink underwear that Michael showed me beg to differ.

PBeesly: The one time I do anything remotely spontaneous and sexy.

JHalpert: Ok, you do spontaneous and sexy all the time Beesly.

PBeesly: Name something.

JHalpert: Oh…ok. Just one?

PBeesly: Seriously?

JHalpert: For the last 4 years of my life, any time you brush your bangs behind your ear…sweet Lord. Panties or no panties….HOT.

PBeesly: You’re totally making that up.

JHalpert: Not making that up.

PBeesly: What else?

JHalpert: The way you um…handle the spoon when you eat yogurt.

PBeesly: Dirty…what else?

JHalpert: Ok now you’re just fishing.

PBeesly: Obviously.

JHalpert: Alright, alright…Mostly I love it when you run around the office without panties.

PBeesly: ::sigh::

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: You have to stop doing that

PBeesly: I don’t know what you’re talking about

JHalpert: You know exactly what I’m talking about.

PBeesly: No

JHalpert: Alright Angela. The whole leaning over me thing while giving me my messages.

PBeesly: Well if you just walked over to my desk like most people do to get their messages, you could just look down my shirt the normal way…but since you aren’t doing that…

JHalpert: Wow…I think I did hear that Michael was auditioning new hoes…so…

PBeesly: Oh! You are so gonna pay for that one.

JHalpert: And now I have to pay for it? ::sigh::…

 

~~~~~~

 

PBeesly: I can’t stop looking at my ring

JHalpert: Obviously

PBeesly: I think it made Kelly sad though.

JHalpert: He’s so not gonna ask her. She’s gotta move on.

PBeesly: Aw, but maybe he will…we don’t know.

JHalpert: This is Ryan we’re talking about.

PBeesly: I know but stranger things have happened. You didn’t just “move on” from me.

JHalpert: Um, yes I did…but corporate mandated that I had to date you.

PBeesly: Really?

JHalpert: Yes, I moved to Stamford…but basically Jan told me that in order to keep my job and the promotion, I had to move back here and date you.

PBeesly: So what was up with the whole Karen thing then? They obviously gave you creative control of the ultimatum.

JHalpert: Pam, Pam, Pam…corporate can’t make these things obvious. It was so clearly meant to throw you off track.

PBeesly: Wow.

JHalpert: I know…I know. But hey, the money’s worth it right? You don’t mind that I’m getting paid to marry you right?

PBeesly: Not at all…as long as I get a huge settlement in the divorce.

JHalpert: Wow…this is…

PBeesly: Huge right? Are we joking about this?

JHalpert: We are…

PBeesly: We’re growing Jim.

JHalpert: Growing, changing, evolving…it’s a good day.

PBeesly: Indeed…signing off to continue admiring the ring.

JHalpert: As well you should.

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: I just asked Dwight if we could get married on his Beet Farm

PBeesly: Shut up!

JHalpert: No, I did. And I asked if he’d give you away.

PBeesly: Oh my God stop it…I can’t breathe.

JHalpert: Pam I’m dead serious stop laughing. This is my wedding too and I don’t appreciate being mocked.

PBeesly: I’m so sorry…what did he say?

JHalpert: You’re still laughing. Shut it..

PBeesly: Oh my God, now I’m laughing harder….Ok, taking a deep breath…sorry. Ok, go.

JHalpert: He said that he would never, ever give anyone to me not in a million billion years.

PBeesly: Sucks to be you.

JHalpert: It does Pam.

PBeesly: So we can’t use the farm then either, I gather.

JHalpert: Oh we can, only he’s going to charge us a fee.

PBeesly: Well that’s only fair.

JHalpert: If he allows us to get married there, then I have to give up my spot as the #2 guy.

PBeesly: ::gasp!:: that’s blackmail

JHalpert: That’s what I explained to him. I also let him know that I had recorded the conversation in detail and was not afraid to present it to the authorities.

PBeesly: Oh no!

JHalpert: We can now not only have the farm for the wedding, but actually the honeymoon as well.

PBeesly: I guess it would be cheaper then Italy.

JHalpert: Pam, it’s apparently very romantic. Teenagers use it for sex.

PBeesly: Well then who am I to judge?

JHalpert: Precisely.

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: So where are you and your mom going for lunch?

PBeesly: I think Cuginos

JHalpert: Oh good and what will you talk about?

PBeesly: Weather mostly

JHalpert: Oh good, no pesky wedding stuff.

PBeesly: No not at all…but we will talk about you.

JHalpert: Nice! What will you say? I hope I’m getting a good report.

PBeesly: Well after your performance this morning I’m sure you will.

JHalpert: Excuse me?

PBeesly: Oh yeah, I mean in the sack.

JHalpert: Awesome

PBeesly: My mom lives to hear that stuff.

JHalpert: Fantastic

PBeesly: Yeah she’s primarily interested in your favorite positions, etc.

JHalpert: Oh right…mostly I’m just concerned about what ‘etc’ might mean in that sentence.

PBeesly: The fun stuff. You know…covering certain parts of your anatomy in jello.

JHalpert: Wow……….Haha! Oh my God I’ve never seen anyone stand in front of their computer so quickly! HI MOM!!!....ALL TALK BEESLY! ALL TALK.

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: So…I’ve been thinking. If you die, can I marry your mom?

PBeesly: Ok, Kevin.

JHalpert: ::sigh:: Do we have to resort to name calling Pam? I was merely asking an important question regarding our future.

PBeesly: My future death

JHalpert: Well yes…haven’t you seen all the commercials about ‘our final expenses’? It’s good to talk about. We shouldn’t put it off.

PBeesly: Ok, let’s talk about it. Let’s say you die…

JHalpert: Wait we were talking about you.

PBeesly: No, no…your turn. If you die – I get to marry that guy that played Noel on Felecity.

JHalpert: What! That doesn’t even make sense.

PBeesly: Yes it does Jim. It makes perfect sense.

JHalpert: My question was in regards to keeping things in the family.

PBeesly: Well that’s disgusting Jim. In my world, we don’t cheat on our dead spouses with family members…only with hot celebrities.

JHalpert: ::sigh:: great.

 

~~~~~~~

 

JHalpert: Guess what?

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: I love you.

PBeesly: :-) Aww…You always stump me on that one!

JHalpert: Yeah, I’m just that good Pam. Don’t feel bad.

PBeesly: I love you too.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

PBeesly: Hey

JHalpert: What up?

PBeesly: Nothing…I was just thinking

JHalpert: About?

PBeesly: Nothing

JHalpert: Ok, develop those thoughts and then get back to me.

JHalpert: I was thinking about something though…I mean since you mentioned thoughts.

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Nothing big really…just that next week this time – we’ll be married.

PBeesly: OH MY GOD I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JHalpert: Wow. Was that what you were thinking?

PBeesly: Yes! How’d you know?!

JHalpert: Lucky guess

PBeesly: I can’t wait!

JHalpert: There are literally 10200 minutes left until we’re married.

PBeesly: Ok that’s like the hottest thing you’ve ever said to me.

JHalpert: Wow…How can America be so far behind in mathematics? It makes no sense!

PBeesly: If the children only knew Jim…if they only knew.

  -------------------
Chapter End Notes:
The End


LoveFool is the author of 48 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 25 members. Members who liked Pick Up Lines also liked 2609 other stories.
This story is part of the series, Baby Talk. The previous story in the series is Indecent Proposal. The next story in the series is DVD Saturday.

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