He is mine.
She says it over and over in her mind. Never realizing before how many emotions a smile from Jim Halpert can stir up.
He's pretty much perfect. He's smart, nice, funny, and he loves me. I should be happy, but why does something not feel right??
She ponders over this every day... everytime he smiles and everytime he laughs she thinks to herself,
Am I the reason for his happiness... or am I the one that makes him stress.
And everytime it ends the same.. shaking with panic and denial,
Karen, he loves you. He loves you. And you love him. We have something special. We've got eachother.. and thats all we'll ever need. We love what we've got together. Nothing is more special.
She continues to attempt reassure herself, but it just isnt working.
He loves me, he is mine... or is he. I know hes mine, but is he truly ALL mine. I dont feel like hes given me all his heart, like ive given to him. I know he loves me, but I can't help but think... but think that theres something distracting him and holding him back...If there was something wrong, he wouldve ended it.. but then again, maybe hes trying to keep from hurting me. God, why is he so sensitive.?
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"Hey Halpert, can I talk to you for a sec?"
Why?? Why her?? She doesn’t' love him. Look at her, she’s only with him for the sake of having a boyfriend. She doesn't know him like I do. She doesn't deserve him. He's too good for her. Why does she get all his attention... I'm his best friend. I'm the one that loves him. I'm the one that really cares; She’s just using him for his attention. Why does she get to be the one to be with him all the time. He doesn't even look at me the same, let alone talk to me. He used to talk to me like I was the only one around, the only one that mattered. Now its all about her
She needed to stop. She was getting herself teary-eyed again. She just couldn't get herself to stop staring at the smiling couple in the corner.
Why do they do this to me ?
She was torn. she felt like her heart was being ripped into a thousand pieces like a useless piece of paper.
She's not good enough. No one is. He should be...
She couldn't even finish her own thought; she was interrupted by a wall of tears itching to come out. Before she knew it, she felt the warm tears spill down her face. And she just sat there, silently crying behind her desk, not drawing any attention to herself.
I'm invisible to him.
She could feel her throat starting to swell up; in moments she would be full out sobbing. She couldn't make herself seen...
She headed for the empty, dark conference room. There was no chance of anyone finding her there. There were no meetings today, and everyone was already starting their lunch break. She could at least have a few minutes to herself without any chance of being interrupted... or so she thought.
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Moments later she was startled by the creaky opening of a door... the door to the conference room. She quickly jumped up and began to attempt to make herself look presentable and hide the fact that she had just been sobbing…
“Beesly?”
“Uh... Jim, what are you doing in here?”
“ I’ve been coming in here to eat lately, its quieter…You okay? You look a little…. Different.”
She just shrugged.
” It’s Roy isn’t it?? What did he do this time? I will seriously kick his –“
Pam wouldn’t even let him finish his statement.
“No, no, no. He didn’t do anything. I haven’t even run into him for I don’t know how long.”
“ Then, what’s wrong?"
“Nothing,” now she was lying through her teeth. She wanted to say:
Everything. Everything is wrong. Karen is wrong, you’re wrong. Am I the only one that can see that? You two are wrong for each other. You’re life is wrong, Jim, because you’re pushing me out of it. You need me and I need you. Without each other, our lives are wrong.
... but she just didn't have the courage, or the strength. Short, simple answers were all her voice would allow, they would have to suffice.
"You really don't look to well. Are you feeling all right?"
She gently shook her head with a pathetic look on her face.
"Maybe you should go home and rest."
"Yeah, maybe."
"I can take you home if you-"
"No, I can drive myself... I mean, I just don't want to leave my car here."
"Oh..." - He seemed disappointed. ”Call me if you need anything. Are you sure you don't want to me to take you?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." she said as she glumly headed for the door.
“Pam- wait...” but it was too late; she was already out the door and sprinting to her car, fighting back tears.
How can someone you love so much, not know it?
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She collapsed into the front seat of her car and miraculously found strength to put the key in the ignition and start the car. There was no way she could drive like this. So she just sat there and put on some music, thinking it would help clear her head. "Used To" began to flow through the speakers just as the tears started to flood from her eyes.This is too weird... no, it’s my life.She lost total control of her body. One part of the song stuck out to her and continuously played in head:
~You used to talk to me like I was the only one around. ~
The memory of the Casino Night just played over and over in her head with the tune.
Why did I let him go? How could I let things get so bad? Nothing will ever be the same. We can't go back to the way things used to be. It’s impossible it could never happen, that’s only in stories not in real life...Then again, real life is starting to turn into a story of its own isn't it...and I'm the author.