Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. It is very sad as I would take care of them very well.

To Make You Feel My Love

“When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong”

- Bob Dylan


Jim was sitting in his car. In fact, he had been sitting there for 10 minutes, looking around the parking lot for some kind of answer. His eyes darted to the numerous cars still crowding the parking lot, even though it was past 10 pm. Most employees were still enjoying, or at least pretending to enjoy, the casino night in the warehouse. Jim had deemed his car the safest and quietest space to contemplate what had just happened a few feet over to his left, in this very parking lot. His instincts of preservation were telling him that he should run upstairs to the office, pack up his desk while he still had a bit of dignity left, and try to forget he had just made his heart transparent to Pam. He could ask Jan to accelerate his transfer to Stamford. Moving on with his life was the only thing to do after being pushed away.

Part of him however was not convinced that Pam had rejected him. She had said the words, that much was true, but they seemed like a drop in the ocean of their relationship. He had years of experience with looks, touches, and gestures, which all seemed to hint at deeper feelings. He had seen the glances she would sneak towards his desk. She probably thought he wasn’t aware of them, but he always had this acute sense of her gaze when it landed of his skin. He had noticed the way her hand tended to brush against his when he would hand her her lunch bag as he grabbed his in the breakroom fridge. He had noticed how her eyes sparkled when he thanked for putting out new candies to satisfy his sweet tooth. Everything he knew about Pam was also telling him it was futile to press her any further about her feelings since it was unlikely to change the situation. The official party line was that she had no feelings for him, and until he had any sign to the contrary, he would abide by it. Stalkerish confrontation may have worked in romantic novels, but in real life, girls didn’t dig it so much, especially when said girl was your engaged girl friend. So packing and moving on it was.
****************
He opened the main door of the office, and was surprised to hear a voice. Pam’s voice. He heard her whisper to her mother about what he surmised to be uncertainty about her wedding and feelings for a friend. He could see around the corner of the wall that she was leaning against his desk. HIS desk. As convinced as he had been with his running away plan a few minutes ago, something in him just snapped. He had to tempt fate one more time. After all, this night had been about taking chances.

Butterflies were quickly invading his stomach. He had to walk to her before courage drained out of it. Jim headed towards Pam as if on autopilot. “Don’t think, just do it,” was his mantra. Through the fog in his brain, he heard her speak, but her words felt otherworldly and incomprehensible. He could only focus on the shape and shade of her lips. He leaned down and kissed her. He felt instantly light-headed. This kiss had been at least 3 years in the making, and was filled with thoughts of past little moments where all he wanted to do was grab her and kiss her silly.

He felt Pam respond to him, and put her hands in his hair. This was so much more he had ever hoped for. He thought there was serious risk he would burst into flames. This feeling of pure elation only lasted a few seconds, before he felt her hands on his chest, lightly pushing him away. He couldn’t resist a last taste of her mouth before he moved away.

A charged silence filled the room for endless seconds before she spoke. “Jim… I can’t. You know I can’t. Roy…” Her voice trailed off, and she lowered her gaze to the floor. Jim could see her hands were trembling like leaves in the wind.

“You kissed me back. I felt it.”

He heard her sigh. “Why are you doing this?” He saw her eyes fill with tears, and her voice was choked as she tried to speak. “I am getting married in six weeks… That’s not something… I can’t undo the last 10 years.”

“Can’t or won’t,” floated in his mind, but he opted to keep that thought silent. Instead, he decided to deliver his original message, since he now knew he really couldn’t stay. “Well, I can’t stay and watch. What I meant to tell you earlier is that I am transferring to Stamford. I’ve talked with Jan about it… It will probably happen soon.”

Pam was stunned into silence. She looked at him for many seconds, her eyes shining with tears. She muttered a quick “Okay,” before turning her heels and running out the door.

Jim sat down in his desk chair, resting his head on his desk. How could he have been so foolish twice in one night? A stupid dog would learn faster than he did. After a few minutes, he went to the supply closet, grabbed an empty cardboard box, and started filling it with his personal items. There were only some many punches his heart could withstand.

Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderful characters. I bow before Greg Daniels.

***************
Pam arrived at the office earlier than usual despite her 2 am bedtime the previous night. She had hoped that by being already seated and engrossed in her work, she could avoid speaking to Jim when he came in. She knew that her work did not come close to anything that could be described as engrossing. Painting drew her in. The gaggle of mindless tasks she was assigned by Michael made, at best, perfunctory use of her attention. Nevertheless, over the years, she had perfected the all-important office art of pretending to be busy all the while sneaking glances at Jim’s desk. She needed to assess Jim’s state of mind before even risking talking to him.

Pam fished keys out of her purse, and opened the main office door. The idea of purposefully ignoring Jim’s morning arrival made her sad. It was always a highlight in her day. He would lean against her desk, and with a gleam in his eye, would share an idea for a new prank or would describe what he watched on television the night before, inserting all sorts of comments into it, just to make her laugh. After last night’s conversation, she figured those good times had probably come to an end, but she held some faint hope that Jim would see that friendship was really all she could offer him. After a few days, he might take it in stride, and start coming by her desk again. Everything would then back to the way it was.

Pam hung her pink jacket on the coat rack, wistfully smiling at the memory of Dwight’s disbelief and amazement at Jim’s display of psychic power. Hard to believe it had happened only the morning before. As she sat down behind the bulky reception desk, Pam glanced at Jim’s desk, and noticed that it was empty.

She walked over to the desk, and opened the drawers one by one. Everything had been emptied out save a few paperclips, a headset, and a stapler. She walked back to her desk, and saw the blinking red light on her phone. She decided to jolt down the messages, hoping to hear Jim’s voice somewhere amidst the numerous calls that always filled the machine every morning. There were three messages from companies still awaiting deliveries, a message from Jan saying she was running late, and would not be able to arrive at the casino night before 9 pm, and finally there was a short message from Jim.

“Hi Pam. Can you please let Michael know I will not be in today? I ran into Jan last night before I left, and I am meeting her in New York today to finalize my transfer. It looks like I will be starting in Stamford next week. Jan will send some paperwork later today for Michael to sign.”

He had left. He had really left. He had said last night he was leaving for Stamford, but somehow, she never thought he would really do it. This was Jim! Jim had always talked about leaving this office for as long as she had known him, but he never actually acted on it. Sure, he had applied for other positions, had interviewed for other companies, but he never ended up taking any of them. Last night, after the kiss they had shared and the fact that she had rightly pointed out to him she couldn’t go around kissing men while she was about to walk down the aisle, she genuinely thought he was trying to hurt her by mentioning he was going to leave Scranton. She thought it was a veil threat from a man with bruised ego.

Yet, Jim was not like that. Sure, they had had conflicts over the years, most recently due to his dislike of her wedding preparations on company time, but he had never been cruel to her. He had never tried to manipulate or confuse her. How could she have convinced herself Jim would try to hurt her? He was not vengeful or spiteful. He was in love with her though…

That was the elephant in the room. He was in love with her. He was in love with her, despite the fact that he usually went for much prettier, girly girls. In a perfect world where she was still single, she probably would have gone for someone like Jim. He was sweet…and funny…and handsome…and had these long arms to wrap around you and make you forget the rest of the world. However, this was not a perfect world, and Roy was the one to whom she had made a commitment. You could not renege that because of fantasies of another life.

She had built a life with Roy. It was far from perfect, but they weren’t totally unhappy either. She had a future, a purpose. She would soon be his wife, and then, they would have children. This should make her happy, shouldn’t it? All her friends seemed fairly content with that kind of lifestyle. A 9-to-5 job, and a family to come home to. That’s what her mom did, and she was certainly happy. Pam would enjoy it too…

Sure, she would have preferred it if Roy had supported her artistic ambitions. He had made it amply clear that he thought it was mostly silly nonsense, and they had to focus their energies on what was important. Because buying a house was more important than art internships or trips to France so she could go paint. Rationally, she knew that. Yet, she was filled with a sense of sadness when she thought of art as always taking the backseat in her life. Roy just didn’t get that drawing and painting were the few things that made her feel alive. It brought back in her this sense of childlike wonderment. It made everything just a little happier, prettier, and more fun.

Jim seemed to understand that. When she had wanted to join the graphic art internship suggested by Jan, he had been her biggest cheerleader even as Roy had resisted her involvement. Jim would always marvel at little sketches she drew and left lying around her desk. Last year for her birthday, while Roy got her yet another sweater, Jim bought her a book about sketching the human body, because she had bemoaned the fact that she could not draw anything besides still lives. And he had even included a card with the gift that said, “I have been told I am the perfect man so I will happily be your guinea pig.” Pam teared up at the thought.

This may not have been a perfect world, but it seemed like she was letting perfect opportunities slip by her. Happiness would not be hers until she actually made an attempt to grab it. It was a scary thought, but she knew she would always regret it if she didn’t try.

Jim’s first week in Stamford had been hectic to say the least. Landing there abruptly without a place to call home, he had to resort to living out of a suitcase in a seedy room of the city’s Super 8 Motel. All his evenings had been spent trying to find an apartment that was moderately clean and not too decrepit, and which would be available as soon as possible. It did not seem like particularly strenuous criteria, but at least a dozen apartments had proven him wrong on that point. Finally, last night had been his lucky night. Lucky Thursday. On his fourth apartment visit of the evening, he stepped into a place that felt right. It was not particularly spacious or modern, but Jim could picture his couch in the corner, where he would stretch out to watch the Sixers on television. He had signed the lease at lunchtime today, and was now on his way to Scranton to pack up his house. Hopefully, he would have something resembling a life in Stamford by Monday morning.
******************
He started loading the van with his boxes. There were more boxes than he had ever imagined he could fill. Maybe lives were always a little bit bigger than we imagined them to be… Still, Jim hated the fact that his whole life could fit in a truck, and be displaced 100 miles away within the span of a weekend.

“Hey Halpert, are you ready to move the couch?” Mark was standing on the door stoop. Jim was going to miss Mark. He had been his first and only roommate since Jim moved out of his parents’ house 5 years ago. No one in Stamford would be there for a game of horse at the drop of a hat or be ready for an all-evening brainstorming to come up with new and improved pranks to torture office colleagues.

Jim craned his head out of the van. “Give me 5 minutes. I just need to stack the boxes in the truck so we have enough space to fit it in.”

“Okay… Well… I’ll finish packing your stuff in the bathroom… Let me know when you need a hand.”

“Sure thing. Thanks.” Jim returned to the boxes and furniture inside the van. After 10 minutes, he was able to organize everything so his couch could easily be slid into the truck. All his years of playing Tetris were finally paying off, he thought ruefully as he stepped out of the van. He was about to return to the house when he noticed a figure standing at the end of the driveway. Beads of sweat, which already covered his skin from all the exertion of the move, started dripping down his back. Pam. Pam was walking towards him. Pam who clearly told him to stay away. Pam who ran out when he announced he was leaving. Pam who never called to wish him good luck in Stamford. What was he to do now?

“I hope I am not catching you at a bad time.”

“No…I mean…I am in the middle of moving, but…hmmm… What are you doing here?”

“Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

Did he have a few minutes to talk? He did not have a few minutes to spare for more declarations of unwavering friendship or for pleas not to leave because what was she to do in the office without him. He did not have time for weepy goodbyes or for mending the awkwardness that now existed between them. But what if she had changed her mind? There was always this little flicker of hope in the recess of his mind that he couldn’t quite quell.

“Sure… Come on into the house. I was just about to go grab a glass of water and sit down for a bit…”

Jim’s heart was pounding as he walked towards the house. He kept turning his head to see if Pam was following him. She was following him like a shadow. A very pretty shadow wearing khaki pants and a white t-shirt.
*****************
“Can I get you anything? I have some iced tea, orange juice with a VERY questionable expiry date, or good old Scranton water.”

“Water’s fine.” He poured 2 glasses, and led her to the couch. They both sat at the ends of the couch, putting as much physical distance as they possibly could between them. Pam’s hands seemed unsteady as she grabbed the glass he handed her.

Silence stretched between them. The only noise in the room was the sound of Pam’s index finger as she kept tapping it against the surface of her glass. Ding. Ding. Ding. Amidst the stillness of the room, this sound was slowing driving Jim crazy. He placed his empty glass on the coffee table, and Pam followed suit.

“So…”

“Yeah. Hmmm… Do you remember my birthday last year?”

She had come all the way here to talk about her birthday? “I do. It fell on October 14th, I believe.”

She chuckled softly. “You know, that book you gave me?”

“Yeah, I think I remember.” What an understatement that was. He had researched books on anatomical sketching online for weeks to make sure he found the best one. When it looked like he would not be able to get it in time for her birthday, he had driven all the way to New York to pick up a copy in an art bookstore.

“It was the best present I ever got. It was the first time someone besides my mom thought of giving me art supply as a gift.”

“Well, you are talented... It would be a crime to let this go to waste.”

“I am starting to think that I have let of a lot of things go to waste in my life…” He heard her take a sharp breath before she continued. “I know…I know I’ve hurt you. I am sorry. I am so sorry.”

Jim felt his stomach start to contract. “Pam…Don’t do this, okay? I know you feel bad, but you can’t keep doing this to me… I can’t handle this anymore…”

“Roy moved out,” she said abruptly. Jim stared, unable to speak. This was one move he could get behind.

“We spent last weekend talking… When we first met, we wanted the same things. I don’t know why I never noticed that had changed. Well… I noticed, but… I thought we could fix it somehow. I thought that by getting married and having kids, we might find common ground again. In high school, we used to talk about getting a house of our own, and having kids running around everywhere. It was a nice dream. That seemed like it would be enough. Somehow, along the way, it became only a part of what I wanted to be…” She paused before adding, “I think I have you to thank for that.”

“Me?” Jim’s voice suddenly appeared to be lodged in the pit of his stomach.

“Yeah. You believed I could be more than just a receptionist. You saw that I could be something else, something I actually liked and was good at. I think that feisty part of me had gone to sleep. Dunder-Mifflin is a corporate anaesthetic. It just numbs all your ambitions.”

“You are the one who is finally reaching for more. I just gave you a nudge. Besides, I have no merit for pointing out obvious talent.” He smiled at her. He was suddenly aware that she was very close to him. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed her sliding down the couch.

“I beg to differ…” She leaned in, and planted a soft kiss on his lips. Jim’s already racing mind kicked into overdrive. The kiss was slow and restrained, yet Jim could feel an underlying current of passion waiting to burst forth. This kiss was really all Pam.

“I am not sure why I resisted this. Why I resisted you. There was Roy, but…”

“Jim, do you really need this shampoo? It looks like it could walk to Stamford…” Mark appeared in the living room carrying a mouldy bottle. Surprise registered on his face as he saw Pam’s head inches from Jim’s chest. He turned around without even waiting for an answer.

They both laughed. It was a welcome relief from the tension that had been growing. Pam threw her body back into the couch, and rested her head on the back cushion. She closed her eyes.

“What I was trying to say is that I was so scared when you said all those things to me in the parking lot. It was like a train rushing at me. I panicked because I really did not see it coming until it hit me. I am still scared, but I refuse to let that stop me.”

She turned her head to him, and beamed. “I am in love with you, Jim. I am. I don’t know that I am ready for a relationship though. Roy and I have a messy road to go and…”

Jim interrupted her. “I understand. I am not asking you to discard the past. I just want to know that a door to the future is open.”

“It is, and it won’t be closing until you get through.”

“Beesly… Would it be okay if I kissed you once more… You know, to seal the deal,” he said, winking at her.

“I think that could be arranged…”

Their lips met more forcefully this time. Jim’s hands crept up to her back of her head, deepening the kiss. He felt Pam gently sucking on his tongue, which sent shivers down to his toes. At the moment, only this feeling of pure bliss was important. There were no Stamford, no Roy, no messy breakups, no moving truck. Too much time had been wasted already wishing for another reality. Happiness had finally arrived in this one, and it was all that mattered.

Fin