First of all, Kelly cannot keep a secret. It’s a fact. It’s not that she is mean and would tell everyone something specifically because you told her not to. She’s not mean. Not at all. She just can’t help herself. She gets so excited about, well, everything and, without meaning to, she tells anyone without her line of vision. Mostly it’s just little things, like last week I got an A on a test in school and by lunch the next day she had told the entire office. Which was sweet, but kind of annoying. Like she’s my mom. Like she needs one of those “My Kid Is an Honor Student” bumper stickers on her car. Except “My Boyfriend” instead of kid. Oh, man.

Anyway, she loves this show “How to Dress.” Is that what it’s called? Maybe it’s “How Not to Dress.” Whatever, the one where they take someone who dresses horribly and take all of their clothes and then take them shopping in New York and give them a make over? You know which one I mean? It’s hosted by that bitchy girl and that gay guy? Carson and Nikki, I think. We watch it a lot. I mean, Kelly watches it, while I do homework or surf the internet. Occasionally, I watch it. I like the beginning when they show people a tape of themselves and they look so bad and they’re always shocked. Come on, are they unconscious when they get dressed in the morning?

Sometimes on Saturdays they show like three or four episodes in a row and Kelly has to watch all of them. She loves it. So, like a month ago, I was over at Kelly’s and this show was on and Kelly was going on and on about how she wished someone would turn her in for a make over because she wanted to get $5000 to go shopping in New York. I told her no one was going to because she looks great now. Man, I always have to tell her how great she looks. Always. I mean, I don’t mind. I guess. I just don’t get why she needs me to tell her all the time.

So, she gets on the computer to go to the show’s web site, because she’s going to try to submit herself. But, apparently, you can’t do that. That’s not how it works. So by that point, she’s really excited and she decides that she has to turn someone in and she’s going through everyone she knows, her sisters, her mother, her aunts. Then I suggested that maybe someone at work needs a make over, like Dwight. I was kidding. Though it would be very entertaining to watch Dwight shop in New York City with $5000. Wow, and to watch Carson and Nicki tell him how horribly he dresses. Anyway, Kelly said it had to be a girl, for some reason, so we thought of Angela, Meredith, Karen, and Phyllis and then Kelly got really excited. She decided to submit Pam. That was a month ago, and, amazingly, Kelly has not told anyone. Last week, the show called and they actually selected Pam to be on, so Kelly had an even harder time not telling anyone.

The thing is, it’s pretty freaking ironic because I’m the one who can’t keep the secret. I just had to tell someone. Why I chose the freaking camera I have no idea. It’s just that the show has been filming Pam all week, without her knowing, and today they are coming in to surprise her and show the footage. Wait, what time is it? Man, they’re going to be here in like an hour. I know she’s going to freak out. She’s probably going to be so mad at Kelly and then Kelly will be all upset and crying and . . . this is not good. Man, and Michael is going to be, well, how he is with more cameras here. This is going to be a really bad day. I just know it. On the bright side, maybe she really could use a make over. I mean, the people are always really happy at the end, aren’t they?

At 1:50 p.m., Kelly stopped pretending to do work and went to the bathroom to check her makeup for the tenth time.  Then, she made Ryan stand with her (too nervous for sitting!) in the kitchen, where she proceeded to repeat how she nervous and excited she was until 2:15.  The crew of “How Not to Dress,” along with Carson and Nikki, were due at 2:30.  When Toby came in to ask them what was going on, Ryan just gave him a little smile and mumbled something about him not wanting to know. With a pitying look, Toby left.  Ryan leaned against the counter as Kelly paced back and forth in the small room, her purple heels clicking loudly.

“Oh my god, Ryan.  Do you think this was a bad idea?  I mean, she’ll be happy, won’t she?  What girl doesn’t want to go shopping with $5000 in New York, right?  And they’ll show her how to dress and fix her hair and put makeup on. They’ll make her totally hot. Then she can get a cute new boyfriend and stop getting back together with Roy.” She scrunched up her nose at the name.

“Or stop staring at the back of Jim’s head...” He mumbled more to himself than to Kelly, instantly regretting even mentioning it at all.  He had been wondering what that was all about, but now the entire office would know by the end of the day.

“What? Staring at Jim? Really? Oh my god, do you think she likes him? That’s so sad! I mean, her ex-boyfriend is a total, violent freak and the guy she likes has a girlfriend.  Oh my god, I feel so bad about this! Oh no, Ryan! I think I need to go put more lip gloss on.”

Ryan watched Kelly disappear into the ladies’ bathroom with her makeup bag and realized that the show was going to come charging through the front doors of Dunder-Mifflin any minute.  They seemed to like catching people completely off guard. It was part of the gimmick. He sighed and began walking to the main office, pretending that he needed to ask Jim a question, so that he wouldn’t miss the spectacle.

“Hey, Halpert?  I, uh, was wondering if you could help me with something.  You know, since Michael’s still not speaking to me.”

Jim leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, looking up at Ryan, “He’s still not speaking to you?  Wow.  You are an evil genius.” He nodded appreciatively.

“Thanks, but if I’m such a genius, why do I spend all day listening to Kelly talk about American Idol?”

Jim raised his eyebrows, “I stand corrected.  That is frightening. So, what’s up?”

“Um....I just had a question about, uh, vacation.  You know, like how much notice do I have to give and stuff.”

Jim scrunched his forehead and tilted his head, in a typical “Jim” expression.  Whenever he made these faces, which was often, Ryan was reminded of his dog.

“Uh...why didn’t you just ask Toby?  He’s the one you have to talk to about benefits, anyway. Oh no, Ryan. Did you piss Toby off too?”

Kelly was walking in from the break room, casting nervous glances over at Pam, when the chaos began.  The cameramen came first, which, initially, no one was fazed by.  They had gotten very used to having cameras around the office.  The two men entered and moved to the side, looking confused at the sight of the documentary crew who were assembled around the room as usual. Next, a tall, thin man dressed in an eggplant-colored suit and a super skinny blonde woman wearing the pointiest, highest heels Ryan could imagine marched into the office and approached the reception desk.

“Hi, are you Pam?” Nikki leaned on the desk and smiled at one of the cameras.

Pam smiled nervously at the two and nodded slowly. She looked scared, like she was afraid she was about to get into trouble.  In a way, she was.

“Nice to meet you , Pam.  I’m Nikki.” She hold out her hand, which Pam merely looked at.

“And I’m Carson. And we’re from the tv show “How Not to Dress.”

The two beamed at Pam, waiting for her start jumping up and down or acting mortified as people often did.  Instead, she just stared at them for a long time, her fingers frozen over her keyboard and her expression blank. Ryan held his breath. The office was quiet. No one typed or spoke.

“I, um, I’ve seen the show.”

Nikki clapped her hands together, “Fabulous, a viewer! Then you know what it’s all about?”

“Uh-huh. You do make overs. Oh my god. Are you here for me? Am I on the show?” Pam’s face flushed and her eyes had opened as wide as they could possibly go.

Carson placed his hands on his hips and looked down at Pam, “Please honey, look at that cardigan.  And you have to ask?”

Nikki laughed loudly, throwing her head back, “Oh, Carson, be nice.”

By this time, the entire office was staring at the scene that was unfolding at reception.  Stanley had put down his crossword and was shaking hid head disapprovingly.  Phyllis was covering her mouth with her hand, in an expression of shock.  Angela was peering over the wall that separated her from reception, glaring at the two hosts. As Kelly clung to his arm, Ryan noticed that Michael was hovering in the doorway to his office, trying to figure out what was happening.  The reaction that was the strangest, however, was Karen’s.  Ryan thought that she must watch the show frequently because she didn’t look at all confused.  Instead, to Ryan’s amazement, she was leaning forward in her chair with a huge grin on her face.

Jim and Pam stood side by side, in silence, in the quiet elevator, their hands still clasped. Neither dared to pull away. They watched the floor numbers increase, watching one another only peripherally. As the doors to the elevator finally separated, so did their own clammy hands, each smiling to themselves briefly before wiping the palm against their clothing.

Jim stepped into the hall first and, turning, placed his hands on his hips as he narrowed his eyes at Pam, still standing in the elevator, “Would you come on now Beesley? They may decide to give the makeover to someone else you know, like Meredith or Phyllis.”

“Would that be so terrible?” Pam muttered, as she, finally, stepped into the hallway and followed Jim into the office. The camera man followed at a distance, having taken the steps up, though dying to know what he had missed. He knew Jim and Pam made good television, and, therefore, made him look good and made a raise a more realistic possibility. He just couldn’t help but feel bad about it, though. It just didn’t seem right to exploit them.

“There you are! Come on, get in here, Nikki and Carson are ready to begin. Here let’s just unbutton this top button here….ok, much better.” The producer practically attacked Pam as she entered the crowded room. Instead of cramming everyone into the small conference room, the crew had decided that pushing back some of the desks and setting everything up in the main office would work better. A large screen was set up near the reception area, and the chairs from every desk had been lined up in rows where every Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employee sat.

Pam stood frozen, realizing that camera crew members now outnumbered Dunder-Mifflin employees by at least double. She eyed the path to the bathrooms hopefully and wondered if she could make a run for it. Then she felt Jim’s palm on her back pushing her gently towards the chairs.

“Come on, this is the easy part. We just have to sit through it and collect the money. Let’s find a seat…”

Pam relaxed and allowed his warm hand to guide her into a seat near the front of the group. As she walked she noticed Phyllis smiling encouragingly at her. She also noticed Karen glaring, but was too focused on surviving the rest of the day to feel much concern for Karen’s jealousy. Jim sat down next to her.  

Nikki and Carson were led on to their “marks” by the director and fussed over by hair and makeup crew. For her part, Pam smoothed her grey skirt a bit and picked a tiny piece of lint from her sweater sleeve.

“Ok, guys. What we are going to do now is just roll the footage we have from the past week and Nikki and Carson will banter a bit – comment on the outfits and make a few jokes. We need all of you to keep quiet during this unless addressed personally. If that happens, speak up, but don’t shout and just answer the question.” The director held a clipboard in his arms as he explained things to the group, most of whom were perfectly comfortable being filmed at this point. Michael looked overwhelmed and simply stared wide-eyed at the spectacle around him.

Then the lights dimmed and the screen became animated with images of Pam - walking out of the office to her car, from her car to her apartment, and even entering the grocery store in baggy yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt. She tried very, very hard not to cringe. It became nearly impossible as Nikki and Carson began speaking.

“What on earth are you wearing here, girl? A hand-me-down from your great-grandmother?! I had no idea one girl could even own so many cardigans!” Carson threw his head back in laughter.

“Well, I think this is a nice look. For one of the Golden Girls!” Nikki chortled as crossed her legs and swung one pointy toed foot back and forth.

Pam bit her lip and sunk lower in her chair, realizing that she did dress rather frumpy. She did wear things that were un-flattering and ugly; especially compared to other women her age, like Karen, who always looked sophisticated and stylish. She knew Karen was sitting behind her at this very moment in a perfectly tailored charcoal grey pantsuit with a v-necked fuchsia shirt beneath it. Her hair was nearly as shiny as her lip gloss. Pam’s knee-length grey skirt and pink cardigan looked ugly and she couldn’t believe it has seemed acceptable only a few hours earlier. She felt her hands trembling and pulled the sleeves of her cardigan over them.