At 1:14 p.m. on Tuesday, Jim leaned back in his chair and tried to decide who he wanted to kill.

Almost an hour earlier, Jim had been sitting at his desk bored with his usual routine: making a few sales calls over the phone, doing the resultant paperwork from any sales and updating his client list. Being bored at work was hardly a new feeling for Jim, it had become a frequent state of mind shortly after he was hired at Dunder Mifflin years ago, but today was a little different in that he had no easy outlet. Dwight and Andy were being well behaved for once, so he couldn't justify to himself playing a prank on them, tempting as it was. Karen seemed to be taking a break lately from hinting that she wanted reassurance about the state of their relationship and Michael had yet to come outside his office today and announce something imbecilic. Jim almost wished Todd Packer would come roaring in, insulting everyone; at least it would be a change. Tapping a pencil on his desk and looking around to see if anything interesting was going on, he sighed.

It was only a few seconds later that Jim's email inbox blinked to life, announcing a message from Dwight. He looked over at Dwight, seated not three feet away.

"I'm right here, Dwight. Anything you want to say, you can just say."

"Just read it," Dwight said to him in a stern but quiet voice.

Jim shook his head. "Tomorrow, maybe. I can deal with you in my mail or sitting next to me, but both at the same time is asking a bit much."

"Read it, Jim."

Jim thought about it. Was he really that bored? Could he make it through the next few hours with no diversion? Unfortunately the answer was no; he had to have something to take his mind off selling paper, even if it was just communicating with Dwight over electronic paper. "All right..."

"Clock watcher."

"Galactica nerd."

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Morale building exercise
Earlier this morning I was in Michael's office showing him where he needed to sign some documents, and also generally dusting for him while I was there. We began talking about family and tradition and I explained to him about an old Schrute family game. We've played this game throughout the generations when Schrutes had to pass the time from lack of electricity or, in the case of my two great-uncles, to occupy themselves while manning a lighthouse near Cape Hatteras. (Schrutes have always made excellent lighthouse keepers.) Michael immediately took to the game, asking me which members of Second City Television and Saturday Night Live I'd do what to. I’m not sure who Edith Prickly and Lola Heatherton are but Michael seemed quite fond of them. Afterwards he asked that I engage the rest of the men in the office in it as a morale building exercise.

The Game is called Betrothal, Courtship, Vanquish. The rules are simple: one person names three people and the other players choose among them who they would marry, who they would court and who they would they would get rid of. Players must explain their choices.

"Your family did not invent that game, Dwight."

"Say it in email, Jim, or don't say it at all. We need to keep this quiet."

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: B/C/V
Your family did not invent that game, Dwight. It's called "Marry, Boff, Kill", or at least that is one of the many names for it. I’ve never heard of your version but we can use your name, and you can pretend you have some connection to it. Sure, I'll play. Let's get this thing going though before I resort to doing actual work to stay awake.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: Proposed game
I'm sorry guys, I hate to rain on your parade but I can't allow this. It will create rifts and dissension and one or two of you might get written up if word of this were to leak.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Our HR Friend
Toby if you let us play this we'll all promise not to make any complaints about coworkers for two weeks. It will be like a free vacation for you. Right guys?

The other men agreed, and Toby relented; to keep an eye on things, he decided to participate himself. As part of the understanding with Toby, he was also allowed to name Michael for the lowest ranking of each round as a write-in.

Oscar ended up not wanting to participate, he said people shouldn't gossip or talk negative about others behind their backs, especially at work. But he asked to still be part of the email so that he could follow along. Stanley also bowed out, citing workload, disinterest and as he put it "incurable maturity" as his reasons. Ryan was more than eager; he wanted anything to do that helped him look busy so he could not have to talk to Kelly.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: B/C/V
Who should we do first?

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: Grammar
Whom.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: What?
Isn't that the point of the game, to determine that?

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Nobody cares, Toby
No. Which three should we select first, what should be the first three?

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Heads up
Kelly is hovering near my desk right now so not her.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: What?
Then how about the Indian girl instead?

To: The men of the office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Wait
It’s my call. I’ll let you know shortly.

 

*****************************

The first round went out about twenty minutes later.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Betrothal, Courtship, Vanquish
First selection. Karen, Pam, Angela.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Answer
I’d marry Pam -- she seems undemanding. I'd get laid by Karen --I don’t know why. I guess I already took your desk, Jim; I might as well go for the rest of it. I’d kill Angela.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Answer
I'd marry Angela. I figure if we're married, she'll be nicer to me than she currently is, and ever has been. Hopefully. Marry Angela or kill her....marry Angela or kill her.....I'll risk it, marry Angela. I'd want to see the look on her face. I'd sleep with Karen. You can call it courtship if that makes you feel better, hee. After seeing her from behind at the wedding while she was singing it's a subject I've given some thought to. Sorry Jim. So by default I'd kill Pam, which seems like a waste though. I wish I'd seen her singing with my group a few times so I could make a more informed decision.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: Choices
I'd marry Pam. I'd sleep with both the rest of them then vanquish them both. Can you do that?

Toby was informed he could not in fact do that and ended up choosing to have sex with Karen. He cited Angela's propensity to fill up his complaint boxes and could only imagine what an affair with her would produce in that area. Michael was marked for elimination.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Terms
Could someone define "Courtship.” What if I want to have Karen under my desk while Pam gives me a back massage? Which one should I put down under Courtship?

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: Choices
From my experience you are more likely to get the massage while married than the other one.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Answer
Fair enough. Then I choose to marry Pam, she’s the corporate woman who comes in here sometimes yelling at Michael, right? And I’ll sleep with Angela, the drunk, and kill off Karen. She just married that refrigerator guy so she wasn’t really living anyway.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Sigh
Pam is the receptionist. Karen is the nice looking dark haired woman from Stamford -- you’ve probably seen me hanging around her a lot. Angela is the blonde in accounting.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Hold on
The one I always see you hanging around is the Indian girl.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Gah
No that’s Ryan.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Who?
Ryan is a boy’s name. I think her name is Carrie or Shelley.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: !!!
I’m not Ryan, I’m Jim. You know me, brown hair. Look up and I’ll wave at you.

He sat upright and waved to Creed, who gave a thumbs-up from across the room. Jim felt someone looking at him and turned to see Pam smirking at him from her receptionist station and giving him a little wave of her own. He grinned sheepishly and put his arm back down.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: There you are
Ahh, hi there.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Okay…
Do you know who Karen is now? The one I’m often around? I don’t think you can quite see her from your desk. Look I’ll mail you a picture of her, hold on.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Oh her
Received it. Oh yes I’ve seen her around, she looks just like her mother.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: ???
You know her mother?

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Betrothal, Courtship, Vanquish
Guys, stop it. Creed, make a decision. Karen is one of the two people left from Stamford, the one that isn’t a traitorous villain.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: New Answer
In that case I’d marry Karen, and court the receptionist although I think I might have already, it’s a little hazy. And kill off the accountant, we have three doing the work of two, anyone can tell that.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: My Answerino
Courting Pam did not work for me. She seems to be a vault to which I do not have the key, but a marriage with her could work. I could wear her down over time, and the rest of our lives together might just be long enough to get her to appreciate the quality of product that Cornell produces. I'd have sex with Karen. Tuna, you seem like a smart guy and she must be good in the sack for you to stick with her. I'd kill Angela, whether I wanted to or not. I am sure I would crush her little frame if we were ever to try and mate.

Eventually, it was Jim's turn to give everyone his ranking and he was still undecided on what to put down. He gave it some thought, still turning over his options in his head. The clock ticked to 1:15pm.

Jim did know one thing: he could tell Dwight had some feelings for Angela. He wasn’t sure to what extent but Jim had known Dwight long enough to read some signals, and his co-worker was less of a complete jerk to a certain accountant than he was to almost everyone else other than Michael.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Hmmm…
Give me a second more to think this over but I can tell you right off I'd sleep with Angela. Anyone that tightly wound is likely to be interesting to be around when she lets her hair down. Plus something about the height disparity with her turns me on.

Dwight’s head twitched slightly on reading the email but Jim didn't get the big reaction he had hoped for.

Jim leaned back and thought about his feelings for Karen and Pam a moment . He knew that Karen might not be his dream girl but she was fun to be around, both during the day and at night. She was attractive and amiable, and she seemed to like him a lot… maybe more than he could reciprocate, but from his experience there were worse things.

Pam on the other hand… well, no one made his stomach turn in knots like Pam Beesly did. Just getting near Pam still made him feel a wave of something indefinable, a cross between anxiety and desire. But she had rejected him twice, as many as three times if he counted her date with a virtually random stranger with whom Kelly had set her up. Ryan had told him all about that after the branches merged when Jim asked him one day how Pam had held up after her split from Roy. Jim’s thoughts flashed over both his frustrations with Pam during the time he'd known her and also how sad their situation made them. She just didn't seem to want him.

His inbox dinged unexpectedly and he smiled. While they didn't communicate as often these days, he was still always glad to hear from her.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Michael
Michael just asked me if I could come into his office in a few minutes and help him work on an arrow through the head gag. I'm scared, what if he is using a real arrow? Is it too late to apply to Staples?

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Re: Michael
Ha! That wild and crazy guy. Don't worry, if Michael had a real arrow you'd know it as he'd have impaled himself already and be in the emergency room right now. You'll be fine.

Then Jim typed out his reply to the group game email, I'd get rid of Pam and marry Karen, and pressed send. He waited for Dwight to say something sarcastic; he knew it was coming. Instead what came was:

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: …
I assume that was intended for someone else.

By the time he realized what had happened he looked up to see Pam whisking by him, entering Michael's office and closing the door. The damage was done; it was too late to quickly explain it. Jim put his head in his hands as another email arrived.

To: JHalpert
From: KMalone
Subject: C'mon
Hurry up, man. This is fantasy women not fantasy football, it's not like it takes much thought.

------------------

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Jim had never fully appreciated the bliss of a boring, routine day at work until now. He felt sick; what had he done? He told himself he should never have sent that email without triple checking the address line and that he should never have even opened Dwight's email that started this whole thing. Carefully, Jim now typed out and addressed another response to the game to get his officemates off his back for a few minutes while he absorbed the situation.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Answer
M: Karen, V: Pam. I need to run get an aspirin. I'm pretty sure we have some in the kitchen....be right back.

He got up and walked off quickly as Dwight rolled his eyes. Nothing could be heard from Michael's office as he went by, which was as expected. A few minutes later, sitting back down, Jim took the aspirin with a swallow of water only to see Dwight staring at him with a smirk. "That time of the month, Jim?"

"Freakshow."

"Loafer."

"Propellerhead."

Jim looked at the window to Michael's office, wondering if he could see Pam but Michael had closed the blinds. Her reaction was a little confusing; why should she care so much about his answer? She seemed angry but she must know him well enough that he wouldn't really want to ever harm her. It was a game anyway; he'd try to explain that if he got the chance. As for marrying Karen, she can't expect him to remain single forever if she's not interested. His memory flashed back to the documentary crew's hypothetical question at the wedding, but that led to him remembering Michael's embarrassing antics and he was glad to be interrupted by an arrival in his inbox.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Rules
I have allowed some variances from the rules already. A main one being that in Schrute family tradition the game is supposed to be played while seated around a nineteenth century Prussian cavalry sword heirloom embedded point down in the floor or ground as the case may be. Since we are playing this game at work, that isn't feasible. Not that I haven't tried to fit the sword into my trunk several times.

However, one rule I won't waver on is explanations, and Jim, you left yours out. Please continue so we can move on with our second set.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Reasons
I'm not into tilting at windmills. It's fine to really want something, even need something, but after a while you have to realize it isn't going to happen and you can't keep frustrating yourself. And part of not frustrating yourself is to not pretend like it's even a possibility even if deep down you wish it were.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Jim's babble
I didn't know we got Oprah in Scranton. If you and your girlfriend are having trouble in bed, fine, but don't make up pet names for the acts, tilting at whatnot.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Jim's losing it
Windmills? What?

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Guys...
Don Quixote.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Did I see that?
Is that a movie reference?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Well known
Godfather Two. Andy Garcia won an Oscar for playing Don Quixote, I have it on Blu-Ray.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Answer
Let's wrap up this round. I'd hypothetically, in this game, marry Angela Martin. She's a level headed, good woman and would make someone a fine wife. Theoretically, someday, for someone. The only thing she lacks is good child bearing hips but by the time she spits out a fifth Schrute that problem may have fixed itself. I'd court Pam, chastely; she seems like an old fashioned girl. She's a bit emotional for my taste but Mose gets a bulk rate on silk handkerchiefs. (We use them to individually wrap beets.) I'd vanquish Karen. She is a likeable and lovely woman but there must be something wrong with her to stick with Jim for so long.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Hey
There's nothing wrong with her, Dwight.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Perhaps
Seemingly not, and yet she's inches away from becoming another Halpert.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Huh?
What? Where do you get that from?

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: I must agree
My nerdtacular colleague is correct, Captain Tuna. She's giving all the signs of reeling you in.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: You're wrong
No she isn't-- what gave you that idea?

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Thank God for Wali
You could luck out like I did. Maybe her parents have their hearts set on a doctor.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: I hate to say it Jimbo
Open your eyes, buddy, you're not going to be single much longer. You had a great ride while it lasted; you cut a swath of pining like I've never seen, hee.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: It's been known to happen
I actually have to agree with Andy and Kevin here, Jim. Women get expectations. If Karen is like those I've known, by now in her mind she's starting to wonder if she's going to be with you the rest of your life, or at least long enough that she can later take half your stuff and never speak to you again.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Nah
You guys are nuts. We're not that close. We're just having a good time.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Memories
Now her mother, there was a good time.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: The first round is over
Next round in ten minutes.

 

*****************


A message arrived from Karen. Jim leaned to get an angle where he could see her across the room but she was engrossed in her work and not looking his way. He read the email.

To: JHalpert
From: KFillipelli
Subject: How's my paperboy doing?
Hey! : ) We haven't had a chance to talk much today. We're still on for dinner tonight right? I want to try that new Greek place just outside town.

To KFillipelli
From: JHalpert
Subject: Re: How's my paperboy doing?
I'm having a not so great day. I closed a couple of deals earlier but kind of feeling out of it now, but yes, I'll see you tonight. Sounds good.

He felt a little guilty because while it wasn't fair to Karen, she was the last person he wanted to be talking to right now. Maybe dinner that night would be a good idea and take his mind off the events of this afternoon, he tried to look forward to it. Jim spent the remainder of the short time between rounds of the game emailing a couple of clients and taking one business phone call. He periodically would look over at the door to Michael's office. Pam hadn't been in there very long but Jim felt every minute.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DShrute
Subject: Second Round
Attention men! Here we go again. Jan, Phyllis, Kelly

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Oh my god
I'd marry Kelly. Like now, and have lots of babies. I don't know what vanquish means but whatever, who cares, who you marry is what's important. I'd court, umm Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom. The Lord of the Rings Bloom not the icky Bloom from Troy.

To The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Won't happen again
Sorry guys, I left my computer for a moment and someone got into my email. I don't think she saw much; it was only a few seconds.

To The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: El Round Dos
I'd marry Jan-hey, who doesn't want a promotion? And as a Cornell graduate I'm expected to be manly enough to sleep with a female boss. I'd court Kelly -- she can teach me Bollywood songs and we can sing them a capella together. I'd vanquish shifty Phyllis who probably helped whoever took my cell phone.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Complication
I'm banned for life from New Dehli.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Where is that again?
How did that happen?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: A long time ago
In 1971, I went to get an authentic Nehru jacket and one thing led to another.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: If I may interrupto
Why are you bringing this up, mon frere?

To: The Men of the Office
From Creed
Subject: A time long ago
I'm explaining why I shouldn't pick Jan.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Again!
Kelly is the Indian girl-- that's who you mean. Remember? We went over this a little while ago.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: What?
Oh, someone who called herself Jan stopped by my desk a few days ago and I said "Good to see you again" in Hindi. She nodded and then said "I'm looking for Michael" in English.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: C'mon, man
Make your choice, Creed. While you have a handle on who is who.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Reminder
Remember, Jan is the woman from corporate. Phyllis is the one who had the wedding recently. Kelly is the young woman of Indian heritage.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: It isn't a good idea
Oh I wouldn't marry any of them.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: Reason?
Why not, amigo?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Snipped
Marriage usually implies children and I got a vasectomy when I was serving for a year in the Peace Corps.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: Little Creed
While overseas?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Old girlfriend
Actually no, it was at the home of this tattoo artist I was dating at the time in Philadelphia. I also got a tattoo from her. She was a registered nurse; the tattoos were just a hobby.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Confused
What does this have to do with the Peace Corps?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Nothing
The fact that I was in the Peace Corps was just a coincidence.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Design?
What was it a tattoo of?

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Mythological Bird
A Roc, on my left shoulder blade.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Knock it off
What are you guys doing?

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Creed...
You don't have to have children with anyone. You made a pick last round. Go ahead, we're waiting on you.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Round 2 Answer
I would marry Jan. I overheard Michael talking to her about something that happened at the CFO's bathroom and I'd like to get in on that deal. I'd have an affair with Phyllis, she always smells good, and I'd kill off the Indian girl. Kelly? We should have outsourced our customer service as part of the merger restructuring.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: Answer, for round two
Ah I don't know, I have to admit I kind of like how Kelly hangs all over you, Ryan, I wouldn't mind that. The last woman who touched me was my proctologist. I guess I'd marry Kelly, sleep with Jan and kill Michael. Actually, the last two there are a recurring fantasy of mine, usually performed at the same time. Thanks again guys for letting me write him in, it's cathartic.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: My Round Two Answer
I've always gotten along great with Jan and she's undeniably got a good body hidden under there, so I'd marry her. I'd sleep with Kelly; you should have given me back my desk back last fall, Ryan. I'd kill Phyllis, if only because her wedding gave me a really crappy day.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Answer for Round Two
I'd marry Jan, she seems smart and kind of sexy, if a little neurotic, lost, self-loathing and icy. Whoa, got carried away there. I'd continue to date Kelly. I'd vanquish Phyllis. She seems to be the one person at Dunder Mifflin to have found happiness and we can't let that happen.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: My second round answer
I'd marry Jan, she's like one of the only people who scare Angela. It would be great when we're sitting there and Angela gets on my case and I hold out the cell phone and say "Hey, tell it to Jan." Oh how I've dreamed of that. I'd court Phyllis, I really need a bigger refrigerator. I guess I'd have to kill, or vanquish if you want to call it that, Kelly. Thanks to her I know more about Angelina Jolie than I do Stacey.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: Answer, Round Two
I'd marry Jan, of course. In fact if anything were to happen to Michael, as his squire I'd be expected to take care of Jan anyway. I'd court Kelly; something about the caste system intrigues me. I think I could be very at home in that world and I wish to learn more about it. Phyllis I'd vanquish by default, although she does have the hardiness of a good farm worker so I do this with regret.

End of the second round. I'll notify you guys shortly when we begin the last round.

 

*****************************

 

A little while later, Michael stepped carefully out of his office and gently closed the door behind him. He had a fake arrow through his head but his expression was serious and concerned as he walked over to stand near Jim.

"Hey bros. How're things hanging with you guys? Doing the sales biz. Moving paper?" He didn't get a response and frowned. "Having a good day?"

Jim responded without looking up. "I'm actually not doing too well. I don't feel very good. Today sucks."

Michael pulled over a chair from unoccupied desk and plopped down between Dwight and Jim. "I'll tell you what sucks. Trying to do a classic comedy routine and your audience bursts into tears, that's what sucks."

"Ugh, what loser did that?" Dwight sneered.

"Pam?" asked Jim, hesitantly.

Michael nodded. "Okay, she didn't start sobbing, thank goodness. I'm not that bad. But a couple of tears leaking down her cheek wasn't helping my confidence." Michael scrunched his face as if replaying it in his mind and shivered. "Blah."

"She's still in there?" Jim looked around at the door quickly.

"Yes, I can't bear to see a woman cry. So I gave her the good chair and got out of there." Michael shrugged. "What else could I do?"

"Nothing," reassured Dwight.

A few minutes later, Pam opened the door to Michael's office and walked briskly out.

"Pam, wait." Jim started to get up.

"Not now," she replied quietly as she went back to her receptionist station, wiping an eye as she passed by. She didn't even look at him. Jim slumped back into his chair and felt his boss put a hand on his shoulder.

"I know, it's all shocking," said Michael with a touch of exasperation, as Jim turned to face him. "I doubt Steve Martin had to deal with something like that."

 

Round three was due to start soon and there was a flurry of emails discussing how exactly that should be handled.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: The third round
A question about the next round, my friends. I count only seven women in this office, and that is including Jan who doesn't work in Scranton. How are we going to handle this? Unfortunately, we can't just add in members of the women's badminton team like we did at Cornell.

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: The third round
Round three could be sober Meredith, drunk Meredith and really drunk Meredith, hee.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: Meredith
Is she a natural redhead?

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: Our Lady of the Flask
I'm not sure, Senor Ryan. This is one time where I don't care to find out if the carpet matches the drapes.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: I've always wondered
I'm surprised it doesn't increase Dunder Mifflin's insurance premiums to have something that alcohol-soaked above a paper warehouse.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: What ever happened to her?
Did anyone ever buy any of those purses she was always trying to sell?

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: The obvious solution
We should just reuse some of the women from the previous rounds and add Meredith.

To: The Men of the Office
From: RHoward
Subject: I agree with Jim
I wouldn't mind another shot at Karen.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Better Yet
We should just name three of us instead.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: I'd rather not
This is turning into the sexual equivalent of the Donner party.

To: The Men of the Office
From: OMartinez
Subject: You guys
I've been listening in as you know and I have to say...didn't you guys see this coming ahead of time?

To: The Men of the Office
From: KMalone
Subject: Hey
We are in the paper business in the twenty-first century. Foresight isn't our strong point.

To: The Men of the Office
From: DSchrute
Subject: The third round
I'll make an executive decision shortly.

Jim looked over at the receptionist desk. He could barely see Pam; she seemed to be either working hard at her screen or staring at it in order to avoid him. He started to get up and go talk to her but lost his nerve and sat back down again. Maybe he should send her an email instead, he thought, since that is what caused this mess to begin with.

"What are you guys up to?" Michael took the fake arrow off his head and laid it the edge of Jim's desk. He leaned from side to side, trying to catch glimpses of Dwight and Jim's screens, with the grin on his face of a child who can tell someone is having fun and is determined to find out who and where.

"A morale...building...exercise," responded Dwight, arching his eyebrows in a transparent attempt to subtly signal Michael as to what he was referring to.

"Oh that! You were supposed to include me." Michael stood up and went around behind Dwight, leaning over his shoulder and reading his screen.

"I did. I forwarded everything to you so you could watch it unfold." Dwight was proud of his attention to detail and disappointed that his boss had not noticed his attempt to include him.

Jim leaned back and swiveled his chair a little, with a bemused look on his face. "Isn't that breaking one of the rules, Dwight? First you left the sword at home, now this?"

"Quiet, slacker."

"Bah that's not enough. I wanted to play." Michael took the mouse and scrolled through the emails.

"Well we're running into a problem now anyway," Dwight sighed. "We've run out of women."

"Who do you have left?" Michael frowned at some things he read and smiled at others.

"Meredith," Dwight said, dismissively.

Hi boss shivered. "You should include Jan."

"We did," said Jim. He was pleased to see Michael interfering with Dwight's leadership of the game.

"Didn't you see the last round?" Dwight asked, somewhat perplexed.

"No, no I couldn't watch," Michael pointed at his office door. "I had the problem with Pam and ended up giving her my seat and getting out of there." He squinted at the screen as he scrolled through more emails. "Some of these are surprising. Kevin wants Jan? Well he can't have her, she loves me twelve percent. Andy, typical, creepy as hell, can't understand what he's saying." Michael scrolled down to Toby Flenderson's emails. "Toby, Toby, Toby. He's just - you know, why does he even bother getting up in the morning? Just to screw with us?"

"I had to allow him to play," Dwight explained, apologetically. "So that none of us would be written up if someone complained."

Michael nodded. "I figured it must have been something like that. Nobody would include Toby just because they wanted him. If this were Friends, he'd be Gunther."

At that moment, Pam walked up and went around to Michael's side of the desks. Jim was surprised and sat upright as she plopped some papers down in front of the Scranton branch manager and handed him a pen. "Michael, about the tax forms you asked me yesterday to help you with? I need you to redo this line on page two here. Where you have to list any year end bonuses and you put ‘sex with Jan.'"

Michael frowned. "I wrote that? I thought I was only thinking it."

"Yes, and over here..." Pam pulled another page out and pointed, "....on page three, you can't get a deduction for claiming Ryan as a dependent."

Michael did as she asked. "Presto, change-o, there you go, Pam. Are you feeling any better?"

"I...yes, a little." She walked away, glancing briefly at Jim as she did. He caught her eye but it was fleeting and he wasn't able to read her mood but she didn't seem to have tears in her eyes and he took that was a hopeful sign that the worst had passed.

"Dwight," Michael said, returning to his fascinated scanning of the game emails. "Go get us both coffee while I look at this on my own monitor. I'm going to run the last round."

"I'm sorry, but according to Schrute family rules, only I should be--" Dwight nervously tried to regain control of his game.

"Well we're playing by Scott family rules now." Michael interrupted, and went back into his office as Dwight, feeling dethroned, walked off towards the kitchen.

Jim returned to work to try to get his mind off of the game that he had used to get his mind off of work. It wasn't long before he had another interruption though, when Ryan walked up, looking around. "Hey, Jim," Ryan said. "The guys were wondering when we were going to continue. I don't see Dwight around."

"He went to the kitchen area for a minute. He'll be back. But it looks like Michael is taking over." Jim pointed to Michael's office and Ryan went over to the doorway. Something puzzled him. "You do realize you left your computer unattended again and Kelly could be checking things out?"

Ryan stopped and stared and then turned on his heels and rushed away in the direction of the annex.

 

*****************************

To: The Men of the Office
From: MGScott
Subject: From the bossman
There's a new sheriff in town, and he be me. Dwight says you've run out of women, well not on my watch! The third round will be Jan, Jennifer Aniston, Teri Hatcher.

To: The Men of the Office
From: ABernard
Subject: Excellente
Your taste is impeccable as always, my liege.

To: The Men of the Office
From: TFlenderson
Subject: What's going on?
Where's Dwight? Why isn't he running things anymore?

To: The Men of the Office
From: MGScott
Subject: Typical
None of your business, Snape.

To: The Men of the Office
From: Creed
Subject: Why her?
Teri Hatcher is not a good idea. I was in London when she stepped down and people were pretty happy to see her gone.

To: The Men of the Office
From: JHalpert
Subject: Not that one
You're thinking of Margaret Thatcher. And on that note, I need to stop with this game for today. It was fun but I need to get a little more work done and also some private issues came up that I have to deal with.

In the kitchen, Dwight was busily getting a couple of coffees when Angela walked in and started looking for her sandwich in the refrigerator.

"Did you and the others play that game you told me about?" she asked Dwight, quietly.

"Yes, monkey. It's almost over."

"So...how did it go?" She was a little nervous and it showed in her voice.

"The way you wanted it to," Dwight responded, looking over and smiling at her. He added some sugar to the coffees and stirred. "Most of them chose you for vanquish. Except Jim, of course. He's always a troublemaker."

"Yeah. At least he finally got a haircut though," said Angela. When Dwight had first told Angela about the game they were going to play, he was concerned that she'd be upset and ask him to call it off. But it all worked out as they'd hoped. To Angela, being killed off in the game was far from an insult: it was a sign that the other men saw her neither as someone they would defile, nor as someone who would be so whorish as to rush into marriage with a coworker they didn't know. Being vanquished was infinitely preferable to her and she left the kitchen satisfied.

 

*****************************

 

As the afternoon wore on, Jim found himself less and less able to avoid doing what he knew was necessary. Around 4 p.m. he opened his email window and started trying to find a way to explain it all to Pam. It was not going to be easy; he'd have to wing it. He wasn't sure what was going on in her mind, and why should she be so upset. It would be nice if she had feelings for him, but he'd learned the perils of assuming that. Regardless he could tell he hurt her and had to say something.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Hi
Are you alright?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: re: Hi
Better than I was last time I sent you a message earlier. I had an interesting time in Michael's office.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: That email
Yeah about that, about that message I sent you by accident....this is where I'm supposed to say something to smooth it all over but the truth is I don't even know where to begin.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Re: That email
Oh I realize now, it was just a game.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Phew!
Okay good, so you know that? That we were playing a game? Dwight asked us to.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: re: Phew
Yes. Michael left his office and I was in his seat and there on the screen it all was. So I forwarded it all to my reception desk and came out to read it in detail.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Okay
Oh wow. I don't even know what to say. He isn't called king of the email forwards for nothing, I guess.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Tilting?
You've already said quite a bit actually. So is it the boxy skirts? Is that it?

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Now I'm Confused
Huh?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Your reasoning
They make me look like a windmill? Should i do the Safety Dance to complete the effect?

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Oh!
The white shoes too, it's the whole package.

"You quit because you knew you were going to lose," Dwight said, with contempt. Jim looked up to see Dwight back at his desk, staring at him accusingly.

"Excuse me?"

"You were way behind in points, and you saw the writing on the wall so you bailed on the game."

Jim loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. "I quit because I needed to get some work done and to deal with a personal issue. Besides, there are no points in marry, boff, kill, Dwight. It's not a game you can win."

"There are in Betrothal, Courtship, Vanquish," Dwight replied, glancing at his screen. "On the scoreboard I kept, you only had 37 to my 54. Kevin was ahead though with 61. I'm not sure how he did that."

Jim sighed and returned to his email conversation with Pam. "Okay, well, just let me get back to what I was doing."

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: The forwards
So you've been sitting there for a while, reading everything we said?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Of course
Yes, Betrothal, Courtship, Vanquish, I like Dwight's name for it. I'm familiar with the game already though, I've played it off and on for about 10 months now.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: What?
Really? Who with?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: There's So Much You Don't Know
It's a solitaire version I developed. There was a time, after Roy and I split up, and before I found out about Karen, when I periodically thought of you, of us, in terms of the first option. And there were a few times, like at around 1:15 this afternoon, where I thought of you in terms of the last option.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: ???
And now?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Well...
The middle option sounds good but you are already being courted by someone else.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Confused
Where is this coming from? I thought you ‘couldn't'? I thought I had misinterpreted things?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Things change
Jim, I've been through a lot of changes since calling off the wedding, a lot of sorting through what had happened and what I really want.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: And sometimes they don't
We're both evolving I guess. Mine doesn't seem to be sticking though.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Re: And sometimes they don't
Mine has, things are clearer now.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Really?
And Roy?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Re: Really
As big a mistake as it was, getting back briefly with Roy made me realize how much I'd changed and what I really wanted. I'm just not Pammy anymore.

Jim leaned back a moment and rubbed his temples. This was a lot to absorb. Off to the side he noticed Kevin walk up carrying something.

"Hey Jim, look what I won." Kevin was grinning and holding some sort of covered pan "It's a beet pie, my prize for winning," he said, leaning over to smell it.

Jim shrugged. "I still can't believe he kept score. Congratulations though."

"Dude that game is all about scoring." Kevin giggled and walked off.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Karen
I'm not sure what is going to happen. I guess I'm going to have to talk to Karen, she won't be happy but I'll try to break it easy, it might take a few days to find the right time...I don't want to treat her too coldly.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Re: Karen
I'm not asking you to.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: What I need
But she can tell I'm not as gung-ho as she is, she might not be surprised. She might be expecting it. She's a great person but I've known for a while now that she's not right for me in the long run.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Really?
Why?

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: A bunch of reasons
For starters, I doubt she is even aware of the dangers of a person's teeth turning to liquid and dripping down the back of their throat. That's a very important thing for me in a woman, medical knowledge like that.

It's getting close to five. Can we - you and I - talk about this more? There are some things I've wondered about over the last months.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Okay
Me too, yes I'd like that. We could go get coffee now and talk if you like.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: Not yet
I have a commitment to go out tonight. If the timing seems right I'll talk to her over dinner.

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Oh
No problem.

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: But soon
But I should be home by ten at the latest. Give me a call later, Beesly?

To: JHalpert
From: PBeesly
Subject: Hmm...
Jim, are you sure you want me to?

To: PBeesly
From: JHalpert
Subject: No question
Absolutely I do.

As the clock ticked past 5 p.m., Creed was tired and ready to go home. He pushed back his chair, grabbed his coat and made his way among the desks towards the exit. He stopped for a moment on the way and waved to a few of his coworkers. "Bye Audrey, Phyllis, Oscar. He nudged Karen who was getting her items together to leave. "Goodbye and please tell your mother I apologize that I never called the next morning."

"What?" responded Karen, confused, but Creed was already making his way across the room, headed out. Karen got up, went over to Jim's desk and patted him on the shoulder. He tidied his desk as best he could, got up and started to follow her out.

Jim stopped suddenly at the doorway and Karen paused with him. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Oh, damn," he said. "Just one second. You know what? Pam borrowed my good pen earlier and I need to get it back or I'll forget tomorrow."

He walked over to reception, where Pam was still seated while busily organizing some papers on her desk before she would be ready to leave. He reached down and took her left hand in his, squeezing it for a couple of seconds gently. She blushed but did not look up. Jim then grabbed a random pen off of her desk and returned to Karen's side. "Let's go," he said, smiling widely as they left, despite his best effort to keep a straight face.