It’s a Monday night, and Jim doesn’t want to be at Super Wal-Mart after the hellish day he had at work.  Really all he wanted to do was to go home, grab a beer, and zone out to sports.  The problem?  He didn’t have anything to eat at home.  Literally nothing.  And beer on an empty stomach really didn’t appeal to him.  So he is now at Super Wal-Mart roaming the aisles aimlessly. 

“Dwight,” Jim says, practically running into him with his cart.  “Hey, man.  That’s, um, a lot of duct tape.  What can you possibly do with all that duct tape?”

Dwight glances over at Jim with scathing disgust.  “Fact: Duct tape is an essential survival tool.”  He pauses, loading a few more rolls of duct tape in to the cart.  “Not that I’d expect you to know that.  You have the survival skills of a gnat.  Although I’d take a gnat’s chances of surviving a bear attack over yours.”

Jim suppresses a smile.  “Gee, thanks, Dwight.  You’re too kind.  So seriously, what are you going to do with all that duct tape?  Plan on getting kinky with your imaginary girlfriend?”

“Duct tape can be used in virtually any situation,” Dwight replies ignoring Jim’s question.  “It can be used as an adhesive, a patch, or a material from which to erect a shelter.  I’ve also heard you can make quite fashionable garments out of various colors.”

“Umm…right.  Good luck with that, man,” Jim nods.  “I’m just going to go finish my shopping.”

Jim turns his cart toward the next aisle when Dwight asks, “Jim…um…how exactly would you go about using duct tape for…with a woman?”

“I can’t believe you are actually asking me that,” Jim chokes, trying to stifle laughter.

Dwight frowns at him.  “I was testing you,” he says, and Jim swears he’s blushing.  “You passed nicely.”

Jim turns around again, chuckling to himself. 

He’s about halfway down the aisle when he remembers something.  He turns around and calls, “Hey, Dwight?”

Dwight looks up from where he’s examining several different color rolls of duct tape.  He doesn’t say anything, just raises his eyebrows in question.

“Umm…don’t use it, the duct tape, with girlfriend, your imaginary girlfriend.  I don’t think she’d appreciate it.”

Jim scans the shelves again in vain.  He knows he should ask an employee, but his stubbornness persists and he continues his futile search. 

Sighing in exasperation, he thinks about giving up and just going home.  He really owes Mark this game, though.  He’d been using the game as a coaster when he spilled his beer.  Mark had insisted it was okay, but Jim could swear he saw a visible pout cross Mark’s face.  So despite the fact that it was eleven o’clock on a Wednesday night, Jim was staring at a shelf in Walmart trying to make the game appear magically before his eyes.

Finally turning away, Jim decides to find an employee.  As he moves around the corner of the aisle he’s stopped by: “Ohmygod!  Jim!  What are you doing here?”

Jim stops, and is immediately accosted by an exuberant Kelly holding several dvds.  He wonders how she can be so upbeat at this time of night.

“What are you doing here?”  Kelly repeats.  Before Jim can respond Kelly bubbles, “I’m trying to pick out a movie to watch with Ryan.  We just finished Love Actually.  But I didn’t have anything new from Netflix, and Blockbuster was already closed.  Isn’t that weird?  I thought that was so weird.  I mean, it’s only eleven o’clock.  Who goes to bed by eleven?  Anyway, so after I found out that Blockbuster was closed, I called Ryan and he told me to come here and just pick something up, but there are just sooo many choices, and hey why did you say you were here?”

“Oh, I’m just here to pick up a game for my roommate,” Jim manages.

“That’s so nice of you!”  Kelly says.  “So since there are so many choices here, I called Ryan again, you know?  Because I totally thought he could help me.  He has the most awesome taste in movies.  He tries to pretend he doesn’t like romantic comedies but you should see the way his face lights up when I bring one over after he has a bad dream.  It’s so cute!  So I was on the phone with him telling him about all of the choices and reading the summaries on the backs of the cases to him and his phone died!  I hate that, don’t you?”

Jim nods, and glances furtively around for an employee who might be able to rescue him from this…barrage of words. 

He’s still glancing around for this non-existent employee when Kelly says, “So, what do you think, Jim?” 

She’s standing there, looking at him expectantly, and he realizes he zoned out completely.  Luckily, Kelly glances down at the movies in her hands, and Jim deduces what she must be asking.

“Maybe you should just get them all?”  He suggests it in a way that he hopes will simply end the conversation.  A glance at his watch tells him he’s been here far longer than he had hoped, wanted or intended.  All he really wants to do is go home and climb into bed.

Kelly’s face brightens, and she throws her arms around Jim, squeezing dvds in to his back.  “You are a genius!” She exclaims.  “I can’t wait to get home and tell Ryan how you totally saved our night.  He’ll probably want to thank you tomorrow.  Did I tell you how much he loves…”

“You should probably get home to him then, right?” Jim interrupts, hoping he isn’t being too rude.  “I mean if he loves these movies so much, why deprive him?”

“You are so brilliant!” Kelly nods as if Jim has just doled out the answer to the meaning of life.

“So…see you at work tomorrow,” Jim nods, backing out of the aisle.

He doesn’t wait to hear her response, and he knows now he actually is being rude, but it’s really late and he really wants to get home.  Maybe he should make a detour to the pain reliever aisle.  He’s thinking about picking up some Tylenol now that his temples are throbbing.

Grabbing an industrial size bottle, Jim pays cash at one of the self-checkout lanes, and leaves before he can run into Kelly again.

He’s halfway home before he realizes that he forgot the game, not that he ever found an employee anyway.  Still the thought of going back to that store again soon makes his head pound harder.

“Can I get…” Jim begins.

“You need to take a number,” sighs the deli worker pointing to the sign above her head.

“Ooo-kay,” Jim says, grabbing the number 1 off the stack.

“Can I help you, sir?” The deli worker looks at him expectantly.  He’s pretty sure this whole situation is absurd, some sort of farce put on for the cameras, which decided to follow him to Walmart.  Seriously why this footage needs to be shot, Jim really can’t fathom, but they are here and he has to get something for Michael’s Siesta party.

“Sir?  Can I help you?” 

Jim startles at the voice, now much firmer, and as he meets the deli worker’s eyes he can’t help but think she looks a lot like the crabby lunch lady from his elementary school.  He looks back into the deli counter, and clears his throat.

“Sir,” the deli worker says again, annoyance edging into her voice.  “You are holding up the line.  If you can’t make a selection, I’m going to have to confiscate your number and make you go to the back of the line.”

Yup, exactly like the lunch lady from his elementary school.  Jim shrugs, and places his number into the deli worker’s outstretched hand.  He glances around to see how big the line has become, and his eyes land on the only other person in line.

“Roy,” Jim says quietly, almost not wanting to have this encounter.

“Halpert,”  Roy smiles.

Suddenly Jim feels queasy.  He glances at the camera, which is trained on his face.

The two men stand silently for a moment, the awkwardness caught on camera for added posterity.

Roy clears his throat, and says, “So, I, uh, hear you and Pam are dating.”

A moment ago Jim couldn’t imagine how this could get any more awkward.  Now he’s pretty sure it simply can’t unless Roy starts giving him relationship advice.

Ducking his head in a quick nod, Jim mutters, “Yeah, we are.”

“You know when we were together I never…well, I’m just trying to say make sure you…she likes…” Roy stumbles through his thoughts as a loud buzzing sound fills Jim’s ears.  He’s pretty sure he’s blushing.  Maybe he’ll pass out of embarrassment.  That would probably make for a really nice moment on the documentary. 

“Yeah…um, that’s okay, man,” Jim says.  He hopes it stops the conversation.

Roy gives him a slightly sheepish, relieved grin.  “She deserves to be happy,” he finally says simply.

Jim smiles, relaxing instantly.  “Yeah.”

They turn to contemplate the deli counter again, and Jim can’t help but notice the deli worker hasn’t bothered them for several minutes.  He’s pretty sure she was eavesdropping on their conversation, but he can’t quite tell.  She’s suddenly very busy slicing a rather large ham.

When she does turn back to them, she gives Roy a huge smile.  “The usual today?”

Roy nods and smiles back.  “You know me so well, Doris.”

As Doris shuffles off to fix whatever Roy’s usual selection is, Jim turns toward him with a smirk.  “First name basis huh?  And that smile, whoa!  I think the deli lady has the hots for you.”

“Old ladies are my specialty, Halpert,” Roy chuckles. 

“Here you go, Roy,” Doris says handing him an immaculately wrapped sandwich.  “Chicken salad on white.”

“Thanks,” Roy smiles at her.

“Chicken salad?  That’s totally great, Roy.  I wish I knew how to make chicken salad that good.  It’s just chicken and mayonnaise, right Doris?”

Jim and Roy turn to see Michael standing there, sort of breathless like he’d run to the back of the store.

“Do you know how to make chicken salad, Roy?  You could totally come do a cooking demonstration for the office.  Or, hey Doris, would you like to come teach a cooking class at our office, or maybe even a whole cooking series?  We could learn to make potato salad, chicken salad, tuna salad.  All sorts of salads.  What do you think?” Michael looks hopefully at the deli worker. 

Jim shakes his head, and mutters, “Later, man,” to Roy.  He heads toward the bakery.  It’s probably safe to bring cupcakes.

It’s a quiet Thursday morning when Michael summons Jim and Pam to his office.

After he has shut the door and drawn the blinds, he sits down solemnly at his desk.  “I’m afraid we have a thief in the office,” he confides.

Jim watches Pam suppress a smile, and almost laughs himself, but covers it quickly with a cough. 

“What makes you think that?” Pam asks, the very picture of wide-eyed innocence.

“Someone has been stealing the colored paper clips,” Michael whispers.  “You know how I love the green and blue ones.”

Pam nods.  “That’s terrible.  Do you think maybe we just ran out?”

“No!” Michael says quickly and a little too loudly.  “No, Pam.  We have a thief in the office.”

The three of them sit there in silence, Jim practically choking from trying not to laugh.  Finally, Michael sighs, “I’m sure it’s Toby.”

“Umm…why Toby?” Jim asks.

Michael doesn’t answer.  He simply gives Jim a look that can only be interpreted as his “don’t be an idiot” look, and begins to outline an elaborate, nonsensical plan to catch Toby in the act. 

Jim might have been more amused with the plan if it didn’t involve him having to go to Walmart with Michael to pick up more colored paper clips.  On the ride over Michael sings along to a Spice Girls song, something Jan doesn’t let him do any more.  Jim promises not to tell Jan, as long as Michael promises not to sing any more.

Standing in the office supply aisle, Jim watches Michael fuss over several different packages of the exact same colored paper clips.  He wanders over to the art supplies, and picks up a pack of colored pencils for Pam.  He’s deliberating getting her some crayons when he hears someone say his name.

He turns and smiles.  “Karen.” 

“How’s Pam?”  Karen asks.

Jim ducks his head as a happy grin spreads across his face.  “She’s great.  We’re great.”

“That’s great,” Karen chuckles.

“Well, this is awkward,” Michael says sidling up to them.

Jim shakes his head and rolls his eyes at Karen.  “Actually it’s really not,”  Jim shrugs.  “Karen and I are friends.”

“Hi, Michael,” Karen says, her smile tightening a bit.

“How’re you liking Staples?” Michael asks. “I bet your boss isn’t as funny as me.”

“Michael, I’m the manager,”  Karen reminds him.

Michael seems at a loss for a moment.  Then he grins a typical Michael grin, and asks, “How’ve you been in the love department since you dumped our Jimmy-boy?”

“Yeah, how is your new boyfriend?”  Jim jumps in giving Karen a pleading look.

Karen’s eyes light up, and a devilish smile curves across her mouth.  “She’s great.”

Jim closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see Michael make the connection.  When Michael does make the connection, Jim hears him gasp.  Cracking his eyes open, Jim sees Michael staring at Karen in wide-eyed awe.

He’s spluttering several moments later when Karen pats Jim on the arm, and whispers, “Have fun with this one.”

Jim sighs, and steers a now silent Michael to the self-checkout line.  He knows that once Michael’s shock wears off there will be an onslaught of questions, but for now he welcomes the silence.  He’ll have to remember to thank Karen.