The following is a transcript of The Newlywed Show taped in December, 2009:

(Announcer) Cheesy music plays in the background) From Hollywood, the newlywed capital of the world, here come the newlyweds! Yes, it’s Intra-office romance day on the Newlywed Show. And now let’s meet our couples. Couple number one, married ten months ago, Dwight and Angela Schrute!

(Announcer) Couple number two, married 18 months ago, Michael Scott and Jan Levinson Scott!

(Announcer) Couple number three, married one year ago today, happy anniversary to Ryan and Kelly Howard!

(Announcer) And last but not least, couple number four, married seven months, Jim and Pam Halpert!

(Announcer) And here’s our host, the star of The Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks!

(Bob) Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the newlywed game. Today’s show has a unique twist; all four of these couples met while working at the same company. Maybe there’s something in the office water cooler, or maybe they just don’t get out much. Whatever the reason, they’re here with us today, and right after these messages, we’ll get started with some five-point questions for the husbands.

(Phyllis) Or, check us out online at Vance Refrigeration dot com. (Bob Vance smiles proudly at her as she says the line)

(Back from commercial)

(Bob) With the wives safely backstage, it’s now time to ask the husbands some five-point questions. Gentlemen, answer these questions as you predict your wife will answer them when she returns. If her answer matches yours, you’ll receive five points. The couple with the most points at the end of the game will receive a grand prize selected especially for them. Okay, here we go. From the beginning of your first date to the time you first made whoopee, will your wife say it was a matter of hours, days, weeks, months, or years? We’ll start with you, Dwight.

(Dwight) Question. What is whoopee?

(Bob) (Flabbergasted) Well, babies might result from it.

(Dwight) (Looking flustered). I see then. I hardly see that is any of your business. I decline to answer the question.

(Bob) (With an expression of disbelief). Do you understand how our game works, Dwight?

(Dwight)  Yes, I believe I do. You told me to answer the question how I believe my wife will answer it. That is what I did.

(Bob) (Shakes his head). Okay, then. Michael, how about you? Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Michael) (Looks very nervous). Well, I uh…Months, I guess. I held out on her.

(Bob) You held out on her?

(Michael) Yeah, won’t buy the milk if you get the cow for free.

(Bob) (Looking puzzled) Okay, then, months it is. How about you, Ryan?

(Ryan) (Looking bored) Weeks.

(Bob) Fast worker, are you Ryan?

(Ryan) I guess so, Bob.

(Bob) Ryan says weeks. And on to our final husband, Jim. Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Jim) (Looks thoughtful). Huh. That’s actually a tough one for us. (Continues to look indecisive)

(Bob) We need an answer. What are you debating between?

(Jim) It’s either hours, or years, actually.

(Some laughter)

(Bob) (Incredulously) Hours or years?

(Jim) You know what? It was years. I’ll say years.

(Bob) Well okay then. Jim, I’m not sure you have a grasp on units of time, but we‘ll take your word for it. Next question. What will your wife say is the best dish that you cook? This time we’ll start with you, Ryan. The best dish that you cook.

(Ryan) Wow, so many great ones to choose from.

(Bob) Really?

(Ryan) (Deadpan) No. I did lasagna once that wasn’t too bad. I guess she’ll say that.

(Bob) Ryan says lasagna, what do you say, Michael?

(Michael) Jan loves my cooking; I do a lot of great stuff on my Foreman Grill.

(Jim) Like your famous roast foot?

(Michael) (Annoyed) No, Jim. Glad you can still make jokes about my tragedies. Like my Chicken a la Scott.

(Bob) Chicken a la Scott?

(Michael) You take the chicken breast and some olive oil and some sun dried tomatoes and…

(Bob) Okay, then, how about you, Jim?

(Jim) Wow. I’m a pretty bad cook, but Pam is pretty easy to please. You know, though, I think she’ll say my grilled cheese.

(Bob) Quite the gourmet, aren’t you Jim?

(Jim) Well, Bob, you’ve never had my grilled cheese.

(Some laughter)

(Bob) (Smiling) I’m sure it’s fabulous. Your turn, Dwight.

(Dwight) Well, of course the Schrutes have a legacy of many outstanding recipes, so choosing one is difficult. But I will go with beet fritters.

(some laughter)

(Bob) Beet fritters. Sounds delicious. Okay, now time for the last of our five point questions. Gentlemen, what will your wife say is your most annoying habit? This time we’ll start with you, Michael. Your most annoying habit.

(Michael) (Looks perplexed) That’s hardly a fair question. I can’t imagine what Jan would find annoying about me. Bob, I think it’s probably that I’m too funny.

(Bob) Your most annoying habit is that you’re too funny? You know, Michael, I would not have guessed that.

(Michael) Yes, it’s a curse, really. It can be intimidating, the power of my sense of humor. For instance…

(Bob) Okay then. Jim, how about you?

(Jim) Well, I’m afraid I have a lot to pick from. Bob, I hate to admit this on television, but I leave towels on the floor. I try to stop, but somehow I just can’t.

(Dwight) Jim, I can think of many things you do that are more annoying than that.

(Jim) Well, Dwight, you’re not my wife.

(Dwight) And I never will be.

(Jim) For so many reasons.

(Bob) Dwight, what about you? What will Angela say is your most annoying habit?

(Dwight) Bob, the Schrute men are loud snorers. In the wild, of course, this is a useful defense against predators. I have a snore that will frighten most bears. I’ve tried to explain to Angela that the noise is a small price to pay for extra security, but you know how women are about understanding such things, and she foolishly sees it as a negative.

(Bob) (Momentarily struck speechless) So snoring is Dwight’s answer. What about you, Ryan?

(Ryan) Wow. Dwight, how do you know…never mind. Bob, I’m going to say falling asleep while she’s talking.

(Bob) You fall asleep while she’s talking?

(Ryan) Not as much as I’d like to, Bob.

(Bob) Now it’s time to bring our wives back from offstage and see how our husbands did. In the meantime, let’s hear what our runner up couples will be receiving.

(Announcer) Bob, our three runner up couples will be receiving a year’s supply of Turtle Wax. Yes, restore that new car shine with Turtle Wax. And the Presto Fry Daddy Deep Fryer, the family sized easy fryer, easy to use, easy to clean, easy to store, the Presto Fry Daddy Deep Fryer.

(The couples are now all on the set)

(Bob) Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Our wives have returned and we’ll see how their husbands did guessing how they will respond to our questions. Each matching response is worth five points. Wives, from the beginning of your first date to the time you first made whoopee, will your wife say it was a matter of hours, days, weeks, months, or years? Angela, you’re first.

(Angela) (Looking appalled) You don’t seriously expect me to answer that, do you?

(Bob) Well, that is how the game works.

(Angela) I hardly see that is any of your business. I decline to answer the question. (She looks at Dwight menacingly).

(Bob) Well, let’s see what Dwight said. (Dwight holds up a card saying, “I decline to answer the question“) He said you would decline to answer the question. Judges, this is a little unusual. What’s the ruling? (A bell dings). We’re going to count that as correct. Five points for Angela and Dwight.

(Angela looks at Dwight with approval. Dwight looks pleased.)

(Michael) Hey, that’s not fair.

(Jan) (Looking annoyed and very tense) Michael, quit whining.

(Bob) You’re next Jan. Hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

(Jan) (Trying to stay composed but looking nauseous) It was months.

(Bob) Let’s see what Michael said. (Michael holds up a sign saying “months,” with the “o” in months shaped like a heart. He smiles broadly.) He said “months,” five points for Jan and Michael.

(Michael) That‘s what she said. (giggles, looks at other couples). Get it? That‘s what she said. (Jan sighs and looks nauseous again)

(Bob) Kelly, how long from the beginning of the first date to when you first made whoopee?

(Kelly) Oh my God I can’t believe I’m on television! Hi mom! I hope my makeup looks good Ryan does my makeup look good? These lights are…

(Bob) Kelly, Kelly, the question?

(Kelly) Oh yeah sorry I’m just so excited let’s see it was months Ryan you better have said months.

(Ryan cringes)

(Bob) Let’s see Ryan’s answer. (Ryan holds up card saying “weeks”). He said “weeks,” sorry, no points.

(Kelly) (Hits Ryan in the arm) Weeks? It was not weeks! Great, now I look like a whore on television. I can’t believe you said weeks it was not weeks

(Ryan) (Exasperated) It was four weeks.

(Kelly) It was 32 days Ryan, that’s months not weeks and it will be at least that long before it happens again. I can’t believe you…

(Bob) (Laughs). While Ryan runs for cover, we’ll move to our final couple. Pam, hours, weeks, months, days our years?

(Pam) Huh. Well. That’s a tricky one for us. (She looks at Jim, and seems to come to a decision.) It was years. Too many years.

(Jim smiles)

(Bob) Let’s see what Jim said. (Jim holds up a card saying “years” and underneath it “the roof counts.”) He said years, that’s five points.

(Jim and Pam do a high five)

(Pam) (To Jim) The roof did count. (They kiss).

(Bob) Let’s move on to our next question. Ladies, what is the best dish that you husband cooks? Or, if he doesn’t do anything well, you can tell us the least awful. Kelly, this time we’re starting with you.

(Kelly) It was months, Ryan. I just want to say to everyone in America watcing that it was months. I am not a whore.

(Angela) That’s debatable.

(Kelly) (To Angela) What was that you…

(Bob) Ladies, ladies, this is a catfight free zone. Kelly, I need an answer to the question.

(Kelly) Fine. Cereal.

(Bob) The best dish he cooks is cereal?

(Kelly) Yes. At least he can’t burn the building down making cereal.

(Ryan) Oh, come on. I can’t believe you brought that up.

(Bob) Ryan, show us your answer.

(Ryan, with an annoyed look, holds up the card saying “lasagna.”)

(Bob) Ryan said lasagna, no points there.

(Kelly) Your lasagna sucks.

(Ryan) Why do you eat it then?

(Kelly) I’m not speaking to you.

(Ryan) Don’t do me any favors.

(Bob) Jan, you’re next. The best thing Michael cooks?

(Jan) Actually, he’s not that…

(The crowd starts hooting and applauding. Ryan and Kelly are making out)

(Angela) Disgusting.

(Bob) Kids? We’re trying to do a family show here. Oh never mind. Jan, try to ignore the distraction and give us an answer.

(Jan) His ribs are fabulous.

(Bob) Jan says ribs, Michael you said…

(Michael, looking hurt, holds up the card saying, “Chicken a la Scott”)

(Michael) My ribs? Those were Chili’s take out! I thought you loved my Chicken a la Scott?

(Jan) Take out? You told me you worked all day on those ribs, Michael.

(Michael) Well, I did. I had to call ahead, drive to Chili’s, pick them up…

(Bob) No points there. On to the next couple, Pam, give us the best dish Jim makes.

(Pam) Well, his cooking is improving. But, I have to go with the classic and say his famous grilled cheese.

(Bob) Pam says his famous grilled cheese and Jim says…

(Jim, smiling contentedly, holds up the card saying “grilled cheese”)

(Bob) Grilled cheese, for five points!

(Jim and Pam kiss)

(Bob) Angela, on to you, give us the best dish that Dwight makes.

(Angela) Dwight prepares many interesting dishes. My personal favorite is his beet salad.

(Dwight grimaces and holds up the sign saying, “Beet fritters“)

(Bob) Very close, he said beet fritters.

(Dwight) I thought you liked the fritters best.

(Angela) It’s the name. “Fritters” sounds inappropriate. And salads are virtuous.

(Bob) No points there. Now for our final five point question. Wives, what is your husband’s most annoying habit? Jan, this time we’re starting with you.

(Jan) (Looks thoughtful). I’ll have to say making inappropriate jokes.

(Bob) Michael you said…

(Michael holds up the card saying “Being too funny”)

(Bob) Being too funny. Judges?

(Bob) They’re going to give it to you. Five points.

(Angela) That is certainly not a match.

(Michael attempts to Kiss Jan, who rolls her eyes, then submits to a kiss on the cheek)

(Bob) Pam, your turn. What’s Jim’s worst habit?

(Pam) I only get to pick one?

(Jim) Hey now…

(Bob) I’m sure it’s tough, but give us just one.

(Pam) He’s gonna kill me.

(Bob) I’m sure he won’t kill you. Let us have it.

(Jim looks apprehensive)

(Pam) He’s too noisy during sex…I’m sorry, I mean he’s too noisy during whoopee.

(Crowd titters, Jim looks shocked)

(Jim) Hey Pam, did you know we’re on television?

(Pam) When we were in an apartment, I couldn’t even look at our neighbors.

(Bob) Very interesting. Let’s see what Jim said…

(Jim, looking embarrassed, holds up the card saying, “leaves towels on the floor“)

(Bob) He said his worst habit was leaving towels on the floor. Not quite a match on that one.

(Pam) That’s a good one too.

(Bob) Now Angela, tell us about Dwight’s worst habit.

(Angela) While awake, his conduct is virtually blameless. When he sleeps, he snores like the demon dogs of hell.

(Bob) Angela says snores, Dwight says…

(Dwight smiles and holds up the cards that says, “snoring”)

(Bob) It’s a match, good for five points. And that brings us to our final couple this round, Kelly, what is Ryan’s worst habit?

(Kelly’s hair is tousled, her makeup smeared. Lipstick and a shit-eating grin can be seen on Ryan’s face)

(Kelly) What? I’m sorry I missed the question.

(Bob) Ryan’s worst habit?

(Kelly) He doesn’t keep up with the news. I don’t mean that business week stuff I mean like he didn’t even know that Tom Cruise and George Michael were engaged and that was in People magazine weeks ago or he thought Angelina had adopted six kids when of course it’s ten I mean Ohmygod do you even read?

(Bob) (Looking flustered) Ryan, Kelly says you don’t keep up with the news, Ryan, you said you…

(Ryan holds up a card saying, “Falls asleep while she’s talking“)

(Kelly) What? You fall asleep while I’m talking are you kidding how can you…

(Ryan) Uhh…once. Hey, what’s that you were saying about Jessica Simpson earlier?

(Kelly) What you mean about the boob job? I can’t believe her and her sister it’s like every week they have a new body part…

(Bob) No points there. That’s the end of round one. A close horse race here with a three way tie for the lead. Pam and Jim, Angela and Dwight, and Jan and Michael all have ten points. Kelly and Ryan are still yet to get on the board. When we return our husbands will be offstage and our wives will try to guess how their husbands will answer. Those questions will be worth ten points each, so don’t go away.

(Bob) That’s the end of round one. A close horse race here with a three way tie for the lead. Pam and Jim, Angela and Dwight, and Jan and Michael all have ten points. Kelly and Ryan are still yet to get on the board. When we return our husbands will be offstage and our wives will try to guess how their husbands will answer. Those questions will be worth ten points each, so don’t go away.

(Commercial) Tonight on COPS, the Scranton P.D. deals with a drunk driver who has lost more than his sobriety. (Footage of Todd Packer with no pants on, handcuffed and bent over a police car)

(Todd Packer) (Slurring) “Ociffer, I’m not drunk. I don’t (bleep) care what your (bleep) brefalizer says. I just had a couple of cocktails. Hey, where are my (bleep) pants? Did you take my pants? What are you, some sort of (bleep) queer?

(Bob) Welcome back everyone. Our husbands have now been secluded off stage and it’s time for our wives to guess how their husbands will answer some questions. In this round each correct match is worth ten points. Let’s get started ladies.

(Bob) Ladies, which song will your husband say best describes your first date? Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice? Kelly, we’re going to start with you.

(Kelly) What year is it Bob, 1983? I wasn’t even born when those songs were made. Seriously. I should get to choose between Gwen Stefani and Christina and Ohmygod have you heard Fergie’s new song? It is incredibly awesome…

(Bob) (Cutting her off) Sorry, Kelly, you have to pick one of those songs.

(Kelly) (Annoyed) Well, Sea of Love then of course I mean it’s not like it could be any of the others.

(Bob) Kelly says Sea of Love, Jan what do you say?

(Jan) Well, it was supposed to be Our Lips are Sealed but of course I don’t think Michael quite grasps the meaning of that song. Separate Ways, I guess.

(Bob) Pam, what about you?

(Pam) (Looks indecisive) I don’t know, none of those seem quite right. (Thinks) Sea of Love.

(Bob) You don’t seem too sure.

(Pam) No, I’m sure. It just seems to take me a while to figure these things out.

(Bob) Angela, that leaves you. Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Angela) Our Lips are Sealed. Not that I approve of such music, of course, but I asked Dwight to be discreet, and he was. We didn’t feel the need to disgustingly parade our relationship around like others did.

(Bob) Okay, Angela says Our Lips are Sealed. Next question. What item of clothing does your husband wear that you absolutely can’t stand? Angela, you seem to be on a roll, we’ll start with you this time.

(Angela) Dwight has excellent fashion sense. However, he does have one green shirt that unfortunately he insists on wearing occasionally, even though I explain it makes him look like a pimp.

(Bob) (Amused) It makes him look like a pimp? Are there a lot of pimps running around in Scranton wearing green shirts?

(Angela) (Confused) Yes…I mean I don’t know…I’m sure if there are…how should I know? It’s not like I would go to that part of town.

(Bob) Okay then, his green shirt. Pam, what about you? What does Jim wear that you absolutely can’t stand?

(Pam) (Thinks). It’s got to be his old basketball shoes. They’re like ten years old and he won’t get rid of them. They stink up our closet. I even bought him a new pair and he still won’t get rid of them.

(Bob) Pam says it’s his stinky basketball shoes. Jan, what does Michael insist on wearing that you just can’t stand?

(Jan) God, how do I pick just one thing? Okay. It’s got to be his penis tie.

(Crowd titters)

(Bob) ` (Incredulously) His penis tie?

(Jan) His idiot friend Todd Packer gave him this novelty tie that looks like a penis. We go to a cocktail party and he comes out of the bathroom wearing it. He thought he was the funniest thing ever.

(Bob) Wow. I have to admit that seems worse than old shoes or a green shirt. Kelly, what about you? Ryan doesn’t have a penis tie, does he?

(Kelly) Oh my God no but he does have something almost that bad. He ordered these shoes to make him look taller, they’re like elevator shoes, and he thinks no one can tell but you totally can and it’s like great so your five-ten instead of five-seven but your shoes look ridiculous the tradeoff is so not worth it…

(Bob) (Again cutting her off) Elevator shoes, then. Final ten point question. What will your husband say is the most daring place you two ever made whoopee? Jan, we’re going to start with you.

(Jan) (Trying to be poised) I would say in a bathroom.

(Bob) A little more specific…what sort of bathroom?

(Jan) (Guiltily) A restaurant bathroom. A Chili’s restaurant bathroom. (Loses her reserve) I had sex with Michael Scott in the bathroom of a Chili’s restaurant. Specific enough for you? Are you happy now? Did you hear that, mom?

(Bob) (Worried) Okay. Angela, what about you. The most daring place you and Dwight ever made whoopee?

(Angela) (Looks at Bob with contempt) Fine. Certain sorts of things have happened at certain times on the fields of our beet farm.

(Laughter and hooting from crowd)

(Bob) Wow. I’m not sure I’ll look at beets the same way again. Kelly, to you now. What’s the most daring place you and Ryan ever made whoopee?

(Kelly) (Giggling) It was so awesome we were at a movie once and there was this scene where Leonardo Dicaprio takes off his shirt and we were in a row by ourselves and I gave Ryan this look and I totally didn’t think he would pick up on it but he totally did and he starts…

(Bob) So your answer is in a movie theatre?

(Kelly) (Dreamily) Oh yeah it was awesome he put his…

(Bob) (Hastily) Okay then, now to our last wife. Pam, how about you and Jim. The most daring place you made whoopee?

(Pam) (Sheepishly) I guess the roof of our office building.

(Angela) (Under her breath) Hussy.

(Pam) What was that? How are the beets doing this year?

(Bob) Pam says on the roof of their office building. That’s the last of our ten point questions. Now for our 25 point bonus question. Ladies, who will your husband say wins most of your arguments, you or him? Pam, we’ll start with you.

(Pam) Well, Jim is a pretty strong adversary, but I really don’t like losing. I’ll say me.

(Bob) Pam says she wins most of the arguments. Kelly, what about you and Ryan? Who will he say wins most of the arguments?

(Kelly) Well I don’t know it’s hard to say like if it’s about celebrities and important stuff it’s always me but sometimes it’s him I don’t know we don’t really argue that much usually it’s more like he’s wrong and I have to explain why and…

(Bob) Kelly, we need an answer

(Kelly) I guess me.

(Bob) Okay, thank you Kelly. Your turn Angela.

(Angela) Victory is very important to Dwight, and he can be very persuasive. I’ll say him.

(Bob) He usually wins? Interesting. Finally Jan, who will Michael say wins most of your arguments?

(Jan) He pouts when he loses, so I usually have to let him think he won. I’ll say him.

(Bob) Jan says Michael will say that he usually wins. That’s it for our questions, now it’s time to bring our husbands back and see how they our wives did guessing what they will say. Before we do that, let’s hear more about the exciting gifts our runner up couples will receive.

(Announcer) Bob, they’ll receive Creamettes, macaroni and spaghetti, the delicious pasta in the famous green box, cooks up perfectly in just seven minutes. And Baker’s Joy, the original no-stick baking spray with flour, use on all types of pans for the perfect results you expect.

(The husbands are back on the set)

(Bob) Our husbands have returned and we’re going to see how well their wives did predicting how they will respond . Remember in this round each matching response is worth ten points towards the special exciting grand prize. Husbands, first question. Which song best describes your first date? Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice? Ryan we’re going to start with you.

(Ryan) (Unenthused) Super. Wow, I have no idea. I’ll say Sea of Love.

(Bob) You don’t sound too confident.

(Ryan) Yeah, I’m not really.

(Bob) Let’s see what Kelly said (She grins widely and holds up sign saying “Sea of Love,” with a picture of waves and a heart) She said Sea of Love and that‘s ten points and you‘re on the board.

(Kelly bounces up an down with excitement and kisses Ryan)

(Bob) Michael, your turn. Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Michael) Actually it was My Humps. (Singing) My humps my humps my humps.

(Bob) Sorry Michael, we need you to pick from the songs we listed.

(Michael) (Looks petulant) Well, that’s stupid. I’ll say See the Love.

(Bob) You mean Sea of Love?

(Michael) What?

(Bob) Never mind. Let’s see what Jan said, (Jan, annoyed, holds up card saying “Separate Ways). She said Separate Ways. No match there.

(Jan) Sea of Love? Michael, we barely saw each other for months after that.

(Michael) (Pouting) Well, it was see the love for me. (Jan softens a bit)

(Bob) That brings us to you, Jim. Which song?

(Jim) Well, I was gonna say My Humps too, but Michael took that one. (Pam looks at him with mock offense). But for me it was certainly Sea of Love.

(Bob) Pam said…(Pam smiles radiantly and holds up card saying “Sea of Love”) Sea of Love and that’s worth ten points.

(Pam and Jim kiss)

(Bob) Dwight, on to you now. Which song best described your first date: Sea of Love, Maneater, Separate Ways, Our Lips are Sealed, or Cold as Ice?

(Dwight) It was all of them, really. But my answer is Our Lips are Sealed, although I hate to choose a song by an all girl band. Ridiculous concept. Can you imagine the plumbing on their tour bus, all their cycles in sync…

(Bob) (Hastily interrupting) Okay, let’s see if you matched Angela, she said (She holds up card saying “Our Lips are Sealed”) Our Lips are Sealed. Good for ten points.

(Angela looks approvingly at Dwight)

(Bob) That brings us to your next question. Husbands, what article of clothing do you wear that your wife absolutely can’t stand? Dwight, you’re first for this one.

(Dwight) I have a full suit of armor that I wear occasionaly to keep broken in, just in case the need for it arises. The moment I put it on Angela always demands with great urgency that I take it off.

(Angela blushes and looks flustered)

(Bob) Dwight said his suit of armor. Anglea said it was…(Angela, still flustered, holds up card saying “His green shirt”) your green shirt. She said it makes you look like a pimp. Close, but no match.

(Angela) (To Dwight) Your green shirt makes you look like a pimp. Your suit of armor makes you (excitedly) look brave and heroic and…” (She stops and composes herself)

(Dwight) But you always make me take it (Look of understanding crosses his face)…Oh.

(Bob) Now we go to you Jim. What do you wear that Pam absolutely can’t stand?

(Jim) I have this great pair of basketball shoes that she wants me to get rid of.

(Bob) Let’s see what Pam said. (She holds up card saying “Smelly old shoes”) She says your smelly old shoes, that’s a match for ten points.

(Jim) (To Pam) I will never get rid of them. I want to be buried in them.

(Pam) (Solemnly) Okay, that’s fine. As long as we can do it right away.

(Bob) Next up is Michael; Michael what do you wear that Jan absolutely can’t stand?

(Michael) (Starts to giggle) Bob, I have this tie. It’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. It looks like (laughing)…like a penis! It’s hilarious. I broke it out at this party and everyone though it was hysterical.

(Jan) No one but you and the Benson’s eleven-year-old son thought it was hysterical, Michael.

(Michael) Oh, everybody loved it.

(Jan just shakes her head)

(Bob) So is that your answer? Your penis tie?

(Michael) Yeppers.

(Bob) Jan said…(She reluctantly holds up card saying “Penis tie”) penis tie it is for ten points. Ryan, that’s hard to top, but what do you wear that Kelly absolutely can’t stand?

(Ryan) (Shrugs his shoulders) I don’t know. I have a Red Sox hat that I don’t think she likes.

(Bob) You say your Red Sox hat she said…(Kelly holds up card saying “Elevator Shoes“) She said she hates your elevator shoes.

(Ryan) (Pissed and embarrassed) I can’t believe you…I never even wear them.

(Kelly) You wear them all the time and it looks so stupid like you’re fooling anyone you’re a little short there’s nothing wrong with that.

(Ryan) I am not short. I’m average. Get your facts straight.

(Bob) Well in any case, no points for that one. That brings us to our final ten point question. Husbands, what is the most daring place you and your wife have ever made whoopee? Michael, we’ll start with you. The most daring place you and Jan ever made whoopee?

(Michael) (Looks puzzled, hesitates) I guess…in the butt?

(Hooting and laughter from audience, Bob cracks up)

(Darryl) (From audience) ‘Attaboy, Mike!

(Jan) (Stunned ) Michael!

(Ryan) (Under his breath) But for the grace of God go I.

(Michael) (Innocently) Don’t you remember you were a little drunk and said you wanted to try it and we…

(Jan) (Seething) Michael!

(Bob) (Fighting laughter) Michael, we’re looking for a place, like a location, not a part of the body.

(Michael) (Embarrassed) Oh. Well. She loves it in the Chili’s bathroom.

(Jan) Michael it was…Oh God, never mind. (She holds up the card saying “Restaurant bathroom")

(Bob) She said the bathroom at Chili’s, that’s good for ten points.

(Jim) Wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to take the first answer?

(Bob) I think the judges decided Michael needed some clarification.

(Jim) I think that would be an understatement.

(Bob) Let’s move along. Dwight, what’s the most daring place you and Angela have made whoopee? And hopefully everyone is now clear what we mean by place.

(Dwight) (Looks at Angela, who gives him a reluctant nod) Outside under the moon and stars on our beet farm.

(Bob) Angela said…(she quickly flashes the card saying “Beet field” before quickly putting it down) she said in the beet field, that’s a match. Ten more points for Dwight and Angela. Now on to Kelly and Ryan. Ryan, what do you say?

(Ryan) Gotta be the movie theatre, Bob.

(Bob) Quite a fan of the cinema, aren’t you Ryan?

(Ryan) You know it, Bob.

(Bob) Let’s see what Kelly said… (Kelly holds up the card saying “Movie Theatre”) she said movie theatre and that’s ten points.

(Kelly jumps up and down and squeezes Ryan, who tries to look embarrassed but can‘t help but smile)

(Bob) Now for our last couple. Jim, what’s the most daring place you and Pam ever made whoopee?

(Jim) Well, the Chili’s bathroom is out. Can’t even get her in the front door. So many crazy places to choose from, though. She‘s not a patient woman.

(Pam) Excuse me?

(Jim) I have to say, though, that we kind of like the roof at our office.

(Bob) Jim says the roof and Pam says…(Pam holds up card saying “The roof”) the roof, a match and ten more points.

(Jim smiles. Pam tries to look angry but then breaks out laughing and hugs him)

(Michael) (Singing) The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire. We don’t need no water let the…

(Bob) Time for another break, but first let’s check our scores. Right now Pam and Jim lead with forty points, followed by Angela and Dwight and Jan and Michael with thirty. Kelly and Ryan trail with twenty, but it’s still anyone’s game. When we come back we’ll see how our couples do on the 25 point bonus question and who will take home the exciting grand prize selected just for them.

(Bob) Time for another break, but first let’s check our scores. Right now Pam and Jim lead with forty points, followed by Angela and Dwight and Jan and Michael with thirty. Kelly and Ryan trail with twenty, but it’s still anyone’s game. When we come back, we’ll see how our couples do on the 25-point bonus question and who will take home the exciting grand prize selected just for them.

(Commercial)

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(Bob) Now gentlemen, it’s time for our big 25-point bonus question that will determine who wins the grand prize. Ryan and Kelly we’re going to start with you, you have 20 points, 25 will give you 45 points and the lead. Ryan, who wins most of your arguments? You or Kelly?

(Ryan) (Deadpan) She’s too sharp for me Bob. She does.

(Bob) Ryan says she does, Kelly said…

(Kelly) (Flipping over card that says “me”) Yay! (Jumping up and down, hugging Ryan) We win we win we win this is so awesome I wonder what the prize is I hope it’s…

(Bob) Kelly said she does, correct for 25 points, but let’s hold off a bit and let the other couples have a chance, okay Kelly?

(Ryan) (To Kelly) It’s okay, as long as all three of them miss it, we’ll be fine.

(Bob) Now we’ll go to Jan and Michael. Michael, you have 30 points, 25 will give you 55 and the lead. Who wins most of your argument? You or Jan?

(Michael) Bob, I’m afraid my debating skills are as razor sharp as my humor skills. She hardly stands a chance.

(Bob) Again, I would not have guessed that. So you’re saying you win most of the arguments?

(Michael) Yes, All of them really.

(Bob) Let’s see what Jan said… (Jan, with a slightly smug expression, flips over card saying “him“) She said that he wins most of the arguments, correct for 25 points and the lead.

(Kelly) Does that mean we don’t win?

(Ryan) Oh, we do win…the deep fryer and the Creamettes.

(Kelly) I think I read Britney Spears eats deep fried Creamettes! But wait I don’t want to end up like Britney Spears she’s like a whale…

(Bob) Now let’s go to Dwight and Angela, Dwight, for 25 points and a share of the lead, who wins most of your arguments, you or Angela?

(Dwight) Bob, the Schrute men are gentlemen. We recognize the fragile self-esteem of women and defeat them only when absolutely necessary. I allow her to win most of the time.

(Bob) Really? Let’s see what Angela said. She said… (Angela holds up card saying “him”) She said that you usually win. No points there.

(Angela) (Annoyed) You most certainly do not let me win.

(Dwight) You’re right. I don’t. (Dwight gives a sly smile to the camera, arches his eyebrows, and speaks mysteriously). It’s a paradox.

(Bob) Pam and Jim, it’s down to you. If you get this correct, you’ll be our champion; if not, Jan and Michael will take home the grand prize.

(Michael) Miss it! Choke! Miss it!

(Bob) Jim, who wins most of the arguments, you or Pam?

(Jim) (Confidently) That would be Pam.

(Bob) Let’s see what Pam said

(Pam) (Smiling, flipping over card saying “me”) That would be me!

(Bob) She said she wins, and Pam and Jim that means you win. That’s worth 25 points for a total of 65 and you are our grand prize champion!

(Jim and Pam kiss)

(Michael) Recount! I want a recount.

(Jan) (Forcefully) Michael, enough.

(Bob) Let’s see what they’ve won. (Curtain parts to reveal prize. Cheesy music plays, crowd applauds) It’s a brand new hot tub!

(Announcer) Yes, Pam and Jim, you’ve won your own brand new, beautiful hot tub! It’s the Hamilton 780 hot tub from Sundance Spas! You’ll enjoy hours of relaxation and entertainment in your beautiful new hot tub, built to provide room for family and friends without sacrificing intimacy. The Hamilton 780 features micro adjustable neck jets and Sundance’s unique therapy lounge. For the best in hot wet fun, it’s the Hamilton 780!

(Michael) (Interrupting) That’s what she said!

(Announcer) And, you’ll receive this handsome grandfather clock! It’s the beautifully crafted Ashley model from the Howard Miller collection. This gorgeous timepiece is crafted with the only the finest hardwoods and veneers and will surely be a treasured timepiece for generations to come. From the Howard Miller Company, the first name in time since 1926. But that’s not all, Pam and Jim! You’ve also won a brand new Washer and Dryer! It’s the White Westinghouse front-loading washer and dryer. The front loading action gets clothes really clean with less detergent. The patented main tumble system of the dryer produces fast yet even drying. From White Westinghouse, a division of White consolidated industries. This entire package is yours for being our lucky grand prize winners on The Newlywed Show!

(Michael) (Imitating James Brown, badly) Ha! In the Hot Tub! Gonna Make me Wet! Gonna Make Me Sweat! In the Hot Tub! Hah!

(Bob) Congratulations to Jim and Pam, and we’ll see you next time on the Newlywed Show. Goodbye, everybody! (Cheesy music continues, credits roll)

Talking Heads

(Angela) Well, something good came out of this. The mystery of the strange noise we would sometimes hear coming from the roof has been solved.

(Michael) Am I upset about losing? Of course not. To be honest, I let them win. The bigwig from corporate beating up on his protégé who has his old job? Would have just looked bad. Let the student defeat the teacher, give people a Cinderella story. Better television. Plus, I liked the runner up prizes better anyway.

(Ryan) I’m pretty much just relieved that it’s over. And marriage has been good for Michael. He stares at me much less than he used to.

(Jim) Won a new hot tub. And a clock. And a washer and dryer…to go with our other washer and dryer. Learned a few things I would rather not know. And the rest of the world learned something I would rather…(Trails off). So, a mixed bag. Anyway, Pam’s never seen the Pacific Ocean, so we’re gonna go do that. That will be fun.

(Jan) Not so good. When does this air? I’d really like to make plans to be out of the country.

(Kelly) That was so much fun even though we didn’t win we should have won but Ryan ohmygod it was months not weeks and we’re in Hollywood so how awesome is that and Ryan says he has a surprise for me and it better be good but I bet it totally is because we’re in Hollywood how could a surprise in Hollywood not be good, right? And Bob Eubanks is totally cute and I mean he’s old and I’m married but he’s totally cute and I bet Jim and Pam will have hot tub parties and that will be awesome.

(Dwight) Question. Am I upset? Answer: Certainly not. Hot tubs make you soft and weak. I bathe every morning in a trough of ice-cold water next to our barn.

(Pam) (Smiling) We won. We won! I kind of thought we might win. Does that sound braggy? It’s just that….we’re pretty close. I mean, I’m sure the other couples are too, but we were, you know friends for a long time, so it’s almost like we’re not really newlyweds.

(Bob) I thought I’d seen it all, but the beet farmer and the suit of armor? And what is with Michael? How did he get anyone to marry him? Our editors are going to have their work cut our for them. And then there was the one wife who wouldn’t shut up, and I thought little blonde was going to kill me. Man, I need a drink.

Aftermath: Newlyweds in Hollywood

Kelly pressed her face to the window as Ryan stared straight ahead, sunglasses on. As others filed on to the bus, she turned to him, grabbing his hand as she bounced up and down excitedly. “Ohmygod I’m so excited! I can’t believe you got us tickets for this. Riding on a bus through Beverly Hills for three hours! Isn’t that the best thing you’ve ever heard of? And we’re gonna see where Ashton and Demi live! And John and Jessica! And Tom and George? You are the best I love you so much!”

“Well I kind of thought you might sort of be into it. Three hours, huh? Wow. I didn’t realize it was that long. I should have brought another book.” He slumped down in his seat and started to close his eyes. He stole a quick glance at her huge smile and suppressed one of his own.

------------------------

Angela paused for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. “Yes, well. Hmm. I think that sounds like an excellent idea.” She spoke as if struggling to keep her composure.

“Shall we see some sights? I understand there’s a farmer’s market. I’m sure California beets are inferior, but I thought I should check out the competition.”

“Maybe we could do that later. I’d really like to get back to the hotel.”

“Are you sure? It would just…”

She squeezed his hand, an unusual public display of affection, and looked at him urgently. “Dwight, I would very much like to get back to the hotel as soon as possible.”

------------------------------

They flopped on the bed of their hotel room. “Well, Michael, thank you for the most humiliating experience of my life. And that’s over some tough competition.”

“You’re welcome. I’m so excited about our deep fryer!”

“Michael, you’re not to go near the deep fryer, you’ll wind up in the hospital for sure.”

“And we won Turtle Wax! My Sebring will look fantastic!”

“You’re excited about turtle wax?”

“Yeah, why are you laughing at me? I want my Sebring to look…”

“Come here.” She kissed him passionately; when she finally broke the kiss she found him staring in a sort of happy confusion.

“Wow, what was that for?”

“I have no idea, Michael. I’ve given up trying to understand it.”

------------------------------

“You know, Pam, it’s actually your fault,” he said as they walked through the parking lot.

“Excuse me?” She could tell from the look of sheepish irritation on his face exactly what he was talking about, and was trying not to laugh.

“Your choice for my most annoying habit, the little bit of trivia that you just shared with millions. That’s your fault. And by the way, I’m really looking forward to my mom watching that.”

“Jim, I hate to tell you this, but it’s not going to surprise her. Even when we were at your folks’ house you practically scared the neighborhood dogs.”

“Oh, cut it out. I’m not that loud.”

“The howling dogs say otherwise. If it makes you feel any better, it doesn’t really annoy me. You’re just cute when you’re embarrassed, and I was pretty sure that would embarrass you.”

“Well, score one for yourself there. You know, by the way, that you’re not exactly quiet as a church mouse.”

“Pardon me? I’m a model of decorum compared to you, buddy. I think I show quite a bit of restraint all things considered.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. So, ready to see the Pacific?”

“Yeah, if you can get us there without getting lost.”

“Well, I’m just going to drive towards the sunset and we should find it eventually.”

“You’re going to drive? I’m taking the wheel, Mr. Halpert. I’m thinking this might have a little more kick than the Yaris.”

“So does my bicycle.”

“Oh shut up. You should have gone on ‘The Price is Right’ and won me a new car.”

They climbed into the rented Lexus, Pam settling into the driver‘s seat. “Okay then, I’ll navigate. Just remember, drive towards the sun. So when are we having our first hot tub party?

“I don’t know, but it needs to be sometime when Michael has other commitments.”

“Oh, I doubt he would really come down from New York.”

“Are you kidding me? Did you see how excited he was? He was trying to turn on the tub in the studio. How about maybe we just use it for very intimate parties for a while?”

“How intimate are we talking here?”

“Intimate enough so that we’ll probably get noise complaints, knowing you.”

“Totally worth it.”

“So, what’s the Pacific like?”

“Big and watery. Kind of like the Atlantic, only colder and further West. See for yourself.” He pointed out the window to where the ocean had just become visible.

“Oh wow. Just wow.”

“Not a bad ocean, huh?”

“I was talking about that guy in the pink Speedo. The ocean is nice though. Where can we park?”

“I did not need to have that pointed out to me. I’ve really had enough disturbing images for one day. There’s a space right there. Kinda tight though. It will give you a chance to show off your stellar parallel parking skills.”

“That’s what she said, and I could park a semi in that space. Grab the camera.”

They walked slowly on the beach, hair swept by the strong breezes. They held hands and leaned into each other; she carried her sandals in her other hand as he carried the camera, snapping an occasional picture.

“We have to at least get our feet wet.”

“Pam, it’s December. The water is going to be like fifty degrees.”

“Wimp. I’m going in…wow. That is cold.”

“Told you.”

“Okay, three seconds in the Pacific is enough. Mission accomplished.”

As they continue walking, he notices her eyes tearing and looks at her with concern. “Hey…you okay?”

“Yeah…I was just…remembering, something, a long time ago.”

“What?” He spoke softly. They stopped walking, and faced each other.

“I was still with…it was before we were together, and I remember thinking about seeing the Pacific, and then I thought it would never happen. And then I started thinking about all these other things I wanted to do, and it seemed like none of them would ever happen either. And now…now that we’re together they keep happening. The design internship, our honeymoon to Europe. Now this.

“One of your things that you wanted to do was embarrass me on national television?”

She laughed, and fell into him, burying her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her forehead. He looked out at the ocean and thought of the many years he had spent desperately wishing for just a chance to help make her dreams come true, and long nights when it seemed that any hope for that was lost. He breathed a sigh of contentment and squeezed her a little tighter.