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Choices

Her head is still spinning as he pulls away. In a fleeting moment of clarity, Pam remembers the camera they recently installed near the conference room and she whispers a warning to Jim who is simply standing there, gazing down at her.

It's not what he wants to hear. He wants to hear her say that she's in love with him too, that her wedding is off, or at least something like she's been waiting for this moment forever. Even as he thinks it, he knows it won't happen like that. Pam would never just blurt something out. She'd take her time and think before she spoke.

Guess that was something they didn't have in common.

Suddenly Jim realizes that she's actually speaking. "We need to talk." She says, her voice barely a whisper and he nods as he watches her eyes dart around the office. He can tell she's trying to find a safe place for them to go. Her breath is hitching and he knows she's starting to panic a bit so he reaches for her hand and tugs it gently. Silently he guides her to the door, then to the stairwell and up the two flights to the roof.

Pam remembers his lame comment the last time they were up there, about it being their first date and her heart hurts because she's suddenly wishing they could go back to that moment - when she was able to just be with him and not be terrified of what he'd say.

Still not saying a word, Jim gestures for her to climb the small ladder that leads to the top of the building. She starts up and his hands circle her waist when the heel of her shoe catches on one of the rungs.

The feeling she gets in the pit of her stomach when he touches her does nothing to make her more steady. She doesn't know how she actually makes it to the top.

Once she's there Pam catches sight of the beach chairs that are still stashed nearby and she grabs them and walks across the roof. Before she can even open one up Jim's there beside her and helping her set the chairs down. She's grateful and sinks into one quickly because her knees are starting to shake. Jim settles in next to her and they both stay silent - staring out into the night.

After a while he can't take it anymore. He decides to speak first because he knows that he's the one who's screwed things up.

"I didn't mean to tell you that way." He begins and he thinks he hears her sob a bit. He can't stand the idea that he's made her cry so he doesn't turn to look at her. He keeps his eyes forward and continues. "I only meant to tell you that I'm taking a job in Stamford."

Pam's head shoots up and her eyes fly open wide with shock. "You're leaving?" She gasps.

Jim wants to tell her he hasn't decided yet but instead he says, "There's nothing here for me Pam."

She starts to tell him that's not true but as she stares at her hands her ring glints in the moonlight and she remembers that he's right.

It's oddly freeing to talk about it now. "I honestly was going to tell you at Christmas, but then Michael came up with that asinine game and Dwight of all people ended up with your teapot…" He sighs and smiles a bit as he remembers how she traded the iPod to get it back.

But maybe the fact that she did is just something else he misinterpreted.

Jim doesn't believe it - not for a second. There have been too many moments where they would stand there - both waiting for the words to come. He's got nothing to lose now. He's tired of standing still, being the nice guy. He's tired of playing fair. He can tell she's not ready to move but he can't accept that.

"I was going to tell you on the cruise, you remember? When we were out on the deck? But for some reason I just…couldn't." He finally looks over at her and she has that same look on her face that she had that night. He kicks himself because he knows now that if he had said something then maybe things would be different now. "You said you were cold - and you went back inside and then…." He stops short and neither one of them needs him to mention what happened next. "I knew I was too late."

Pam's eyes well up and spill over as she remembers that night and how she felt standing out there with him. How she was thinking if he'd kissed her then she'd have let him and she's suddenly angry that he didn't. But the anger passes quickly because she realizes she doesn't have a right to be. She knows she just told him he'd misinterpreted things. When she remembers that night now she knows that it's not true.

If she's being honest she has to admit it. She's been running from this for a while now. It was only a matter of time before it caught up to her.

She had told him they needed to talk, but she has no idea what to say. He's giving her that look that makes her stomach flutter. It's a feeling she's gotten used to by now.

"I lied to you. It's always been more than a crush, Pam but I just…I didn't want to ruin things." He says sadly.

They both understand he means ruin their friendship and not her relationship with Roy. It's clear now that Jim would happily take the blame for ruining that.

It takes her a moment to find her voice. "It's not ruined it's just…changed." Pam finally manages. As she says it her mind races. It can't be ruined. There can never be a time that she couldn't talk to him. Somehow they'd find a way to fix it. They just had to.

She's sure that part of his feelings for her have to do with his feelings about Roy. She feels the need to defend him. "He's not as bad as you think he is…" she starts. "He can be really sweet when he puts his mind to it. Sometimes he's just a little….oblivious."

Thoughts of the way he's seen Roy treat her fill his mind as he answers. "Now that's the understatement of the year." He shakes his head and sighs heavily. He doesn't care that he's telling her all of it. After "I'm in love with you" is out there the rest is easy.

"You don't want to hear this, but…I have to say it. I love him." Pam's voice is shaking but she's determined to make sure he hears her. "I do. And you have to understand. I've always been with him." She stares at her feet as she whispers. "I honestly don't even know how to be with anyone else…"

Jim tries to understand but frankly from all he's seen it's simply not a good enough reason for him. "You deserve more. I can't tell you how many times I've stood by and watched it happen. He ignores you, he puts you down. I see what it does to you and it kills me how he keeps you from being as amazing as I know you are." He gazes into her eyes as he finishes. "He holds you back Pam. You know he does…"

She begins to get angry again, because the last time she checked he hadn't moved much further than a desk away from hers. "Look who's talking." She snaps. "Jim - face it. You hold yourself back. There are other places you could go. You're wasting yourself here. You could have moved on before now if you really wanted to."

He bites his bottom lip and gives her a nod in agreement. "You're right. I could have. But then - there was you." Jim says softly.

She wants to tell him she never asked for him to stay, but she's not sure that she wouldn't have if he'd tried to leave before now. As the thoughts fly through her mind she knows what he wants her to tell him. She knows she can make him stay if she just says what he wants to hear. She opens her mouth but the words still don't come. There's too much to think about. She can't walk away from ten years so easily.

If Jim could will her to speak he would. The fact that she won't is incredibly frustrating.

His eyes are piercing as she meets his gaze, like he can see right through her, like he can see her thoughts. Instantly uncomfortable she averts her eyes from his.

He's the one who's angry now as he stands up and walks a few feet away. "It's fine Pam - really. What's it been ten years? I get it. Seriously I do. Thing is it’s a night to take gambles so I thought I'd take a chance and give it one last shot." His attempt at a joke falls flat and he shoves his hands in his pockets as he shrugs his shoulders and keeps his back to her. "I really just wanted you to know that you still have choices."

Jim turns around but keeps his eyes from meeting hers. He says the words even though he doesn't quite believe them. "If he's what makes you happy - if that's the kind of life you really want then I say go for it. If that's the choice you make then trust me - you won't have to worry. I won't come barging into the church and rush the altar. I know that would embarrass the hell out of you and I would never want to do that."

She simply listens and comes to the realization that maybe the scene he just described is one she's secretly been hoping for. That he'd stop her before it was really too late. Except now it's like he didn't follow the plan and he's done it too early. She's trying to find the words to tell him something, anything, but she's still too stunned and too frightened and she can feel her whole world changing around her. It's too much and it’s too fast and she's desperately trying to keep up.

It seemed that Jim wasn't going to slow down. He still had more to say.

"If you choose him just think about this…" He takes a step closer to her and stares in her eyes. "If you were with me instead I promise you. I'd never forget that I was sitting next to you, no matter where we were. You should know that I can pretty much tell the moment you walk in a room, even if I'm not the guy walking in beside you. When I come into work and you're not there I honestly feel like part of me is missing. When I leave for Stamford…." He trips over the word a bit and takes a deep breath, trying to get through it. "When I leave I know it's going to take me a long time to get used to that."

If she'd just say something he'd be able to relax but she doesn't. She still sits there and just looks at him.

"You still have choices Pam." Jim finishes, deep down knowing he's lying a bit as he says this next, lying not just to her but to himself. "I'm not going to say I don't want you to choose me, because I do, but whatever you chose is fine with me as long as you're happy. That's all I want - to see you happy."

Pam nods and tears stream down her cheeks as she stands and shivers slightly. Without a word he's peeling off his sweater and is handing it over to her. She takes it gratefully and pulls it on quickly because suddenly she's so cold her teeth are chattering. She wants to say something to make them both feel better but she doesn't know what to do or who to choose and she cries harder when the soft cotton of his sweater hits her skin.

He's so different from Roy, is all she can think.

Jim searches her face, for once having no idea what she's thinking. Is she crying because she wants to let him down easy, or crying because she's not going to let him down at all?

The only thing that saves him is that he knows that when he kissed her in the office fifteen minutes ago she absolutely kissed him back. And she wasn't drunk off of "second drinks" this time. As a matter of fact, he's pretty sure he's misinterpreted nothing.

"It's late." He says, clearing his throat. His hand reaches up to gently wipe a tear from her cheek as he adds. "Let me take you home."

For a split second Pam thinks he means his home but she knows that's not how this is going to go. They make their way down the ladder, then the stairs and through the parking lot. They reach his car and he tries his remote but remembers that the battery died a week ago and he's been too preoccupied to replace it. He takes his key and opens the door for her. She settles in and before she puts on her seat belt she leans over the driver's side and unlocks his door for him. He smiles for a second as he remembers that movie where the guy says that's a test to tell what kind of woman you've got and he whispers to himself. "She's a keeper."

They drive in silence, like they both simply decide that everything that's going to be said tonight has been said already. Pam can't even imagine how she'll ever sleep even though she's completely exhausted. Jim thinks that now that he's got her with him maybe he'll just keep driving. But before they know it, they've gotten to her house. They roll to a stop and Jim moves to get out of the car. She places her hand on his arm to stop him.

Even though Roy asked Jim to keep an eye on her she's not sure she can take watching the two of them together. To see both paths her life could take at once is more than she's ready to deal with.

"It's OK." She says softly. "You don't need to walk me up there."

He looks in her eyes and nods and they just sit there for a few minutes, with the radio on low and the engine idling and for once in her life she doesn't stop to think. Pam leans over, her lips brushing his so quickly you almost can't call it a kiss. Even with that it still shocks them both. She's not exactly sure why she does it, but he's said so much and she's said so little she feels the need to give him something back.

He tries to take it for what it is, desperately trying to shove his hopes down as they rise to the surface again. She still hasn't said anything - not really - he reminds himself.

"I just…need a little time. I need time to think." She says as she pulls away.

"It's OK, Pam." He says quietly. He can't take the look in her eyes anymore so he nudges her. "Go on. Get some sleep."

She slips from the car and walks to the door, holding her keys with shaky hands. She knows he won't leave until he's sure she's inside and safe. She flicks the porch light on and off so he'll know she's alright and then locks the door behind her.

The minute the lock clicks closed she can hear Roy's snoring and Pam knows now more than ever that she can't join him. It's not fair to sleep next to him when she's thinking of someone else. She kicks off her shoes and crawls onto the couch. She rests her cheek on her hand, all caught up in the sleeve of the sweater and she smiles in spite of it all. It smells just like Jim…like…fabric softener. She finds it funny that with everything else on her mind she's suddenly thinking it's great that he even does his own laundry.

She hugs her arms around herself and as she drifts off she is vaguely aware that she's imagining it's really him holding her as she sleeps.

Chapter Two

Jim closes his eyes as he waits for the elevator doors to open. If he could transport himself somewhere, anywhere else he would. It’s going to be a fun day, Halpert. You thought it was bad before you told her. Way to create the world’s most awkward situation for yourself.

He can tell before he opens the door that she isn’t there yet. There is no sign of her curly brown head peeking out from behind her desk as he walks into the office. He suddenly remembers the way he’d found her here last night. She looked so beautiful he lost his breath for a second. The scene plays over and over in his mind, just like it had all night. It was so incredible he’s almost convinced it didn’t really happen.

To find her not there has him half relieved and half disappointed. In a way, it was worse now that she knew. Things are so…uncertain.

Luckily it looked like he’d have a distraction. Jim drops his bag near his chair and stands and stares at Dwight, who it seems is scouring his desk for fingerprints.

“Hey…um, Dwight? Something I can help you with?” He says with a lopsided grin.

Dwight’s head shoots up. “Jim.” His voice drops a full octave as he leans close. “I'm sorry but you'll need to relocate. You can’t sit here today. This is a crime scene.”

Jim arches away from him and gives him a look. “No Dwight. This is my desk.”

Dwight scans the room from left to right to ensure they are alone. He straightens his glasses and whispers. “I have it on good authority that someone was here after hours last night. My guess? They came from Cumberland Mills, looking for your secret files.”

Jim sighs. “Dwight. Hate to break it to you but I have no secret files.”

“Not even in your bottom desk drawer? The one that you keep locked?” Dwight asks.

Jim nods as he pushes him out of the way and sits down. “Not even there.”

Dwight’s fascination with Jim’s locked drawer was a constant source of amusement. He really kept nothing of interest in there, except for some spare gym clothes and an old pair of sneakers. Although, now that he thought about it, tucked in the back was the only thing he really cared about. It was a little collection of things that reminded him of Pam.

He’d raided it at Christmas, to fill her teapot. Now all that was left was one of the doves she’d made for the Olympics, his gold medal, an amazing sketch she’d left on her steno pad after some inane meeting Michael had called. Oh, and the empty can of coke she’d made him buy for her the last time he’d been jinxed.

You’re a sap, plain and simple. He thinks with a shake of his head. Still he knows when he cleans out his desk those were the things he’d be taking with him.

He's aware Dwight is still hovering. As Jim stares at him he can almost hear his mind working.

“Someone was here and I’m determined to find out who.” He reaches over and snatches the receiver off of Jim’s phone, disconnecting it from the base. “I’m going to check the phone records and see if they made any long distance calls.” The phone cord dangles between his fingertips as he says. “I need to take this into evidence.”

Jim remembers that Pam was on the phone when he’d come in last night. He wouldn’t put it past Dwight to pour over months of records to find out who had really been in here. Not to mention the fact that he can’t be a hundred percent sure that the momentous occasion wasn’t actually recorded by the damn cameras.

He doesn’t want to think of that now. He doesn’t need a video to commemorate the moment. How he can even sit at this desk remembering the way she’d looked when he found her here is beyond him.

Shaking the image from his head he says quietly. “Dwight. You can relax. It was me. I was here last night.” He grabs his phone back and turns on his computer.

“Hold on. As Security Supervisor of the Scranton branch it is my duty inform you that being on the premises after hours is a serious offense.” He looks at Jim suspiciously. “What exactly were you doing?”

Jim grips the arms of his chair and leans back to stare at the ceiling. He’s aware of how ironic it sounds as he says. “I had some…unfinished business.”

Dwight narrows his eyes as he asks. “What kind of business?”

“None of yours.” He replies as he clicks an email open.

Dwight will not be swayed. “What are you doing? Are you working on a scheme of some sort?”

Jim racks his brain for a way to get Dwight to leave him alone. As amusing as he usually finds this sort of thing he’s just not in the mood today. He knows that the easiest tactic is to make him a co-conspirator.

“OK. Listen to me. You can’t share this with anyone.” Jim begins.

Dwight bends down and stares into his eyes. “You have no cause for worry. We Schrutes are excellent at keeping secrets.”

I’m sure you are. Jim says to himself. If there ever was a sure sign he should move on this is it. He’s getting too good at this. Dwight’s falling right into his hands. “You see. I’m working on a plan to expand our territory.”

“Interesting.” Dwight says softly, completely intrigued. “Go on…”

“And I started to think outside the box. We should be contacting some overseas markets. So I came up here last night to do some research. And come to think of it, you can help me out here. Why don’t you…” Jim leans forward and his voice lowers. “…start to compile a list of all the countries that are currently not serviced by a Staples or…Office Depot. And don’t forget the more obscure ones. That’s where we can find our niche. Once you do that, we can narrow it down and pick our target.”

“Excellent idea Jim.” Dwight straightens and gives him a nod. “There’s a whole world outside these doors.”

“That there is.” Jim agrees, thankful that he fell for it so quickly. His eyebrows rise as he adds. “And the world needs paper.”

He watches as Dwight scurries off, mumbling about where he can find a world atlas.

Alone at last, involuntarily Jim’s eyes wander over to Pam’s desk, marking the first of the thousand times he glances there a day. She’s usually in way before him but now it’s already 9:15. His heart fills with dread at what that must mean. He guesses she won’t be coming in today after all.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

Pam walks to the door for the fifteenth time. She still can’t make herself open it and leave. She’s contemplating just what to do when the phone rings. She panics as she checks the caller id and then sighs with relief before she answers.

“Hey Mom.” She whispers sadly.

Her mother’s voice is full of concern. “Honey? I tried you at work but you weren’t there. You never called me back last night. Are you OK?”

“I’m not sure…” Pam replies and her voice breaks. Unsteady on her feet she sinks into a chair.

“Pammy? Sweetheart? What happened?”

“J-Jim s-s-said he loves me.” She stammers.

Her heart breaks as only a mother’s can as she hears the despair in her voice. “I know. You told me that last night.”

“And – and – and I didn’t know what to do. I told him I just can’t…and I can’t…can I?” Pam asks her voice choked with tears.

“You can do whatever you want.” She replies, treading carefully. Finally planning this wedding has been such a treat. They’d been waiting for this moment forever. But she can’t just sit by and let her daughter make a huge mistake. If Pam’s having second thoughts, it’s up to her to help her through it. It could be just a case of cold feet, but she’s not quite sure. When Pam called her last night it was not surprising in the least to hear what had happened. From the way she’s talked about Jim all these years, she’d always had a sneaking suspicion there was more to their friendship.

“Pam, if this making you so upset there must something to it.”

“I’m upset because I love Roy.” Pam says, but even she can hear how unsure she sounds. “I’m going to marry Roy.”

Not surprisingly, her mother is unconvinced. Over then ten years they’d been dating she’s come to care about Roy, but she cares about her daughter’s happiness much more.

“Are you sure that’s still what you want to do?”

“Of-of course.” Pam replies, almost by reflex.

“Pamela Beesly.” Her voice scolds. “I’ve raised you better than that. Don’t just do what you think everyone expects you to do. Think for a minute. Last night you said…”

“I know what I said.” Pam’s voice is suddenly defensive.

“And?”

“And – now it’s worse. I mean, after he kissed me…”

She can hear her mother gasp. “Jim kissed you.” It's said as a statement, not a question.

“Yes.”

“Where?”

Pam sounds like a twelve year old when she answers, “On the lips.”

There’s a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. “I assumed that much, Pam. When was this?”

Pam sniffles a bit and reaches for a paper napkin to wipe at her nose. “Right after I hung up with you.”

She wants to ask if Pam kissed him back, but she’s pretty sure she already knows the answer to that.

They both sit in silence for a moment. Pam’s trying to find the words to describe what’s she’s feeling. Instead she says what’s most simple. “Mom. I’m so confused. I don't know what to do.”

Her mother is nothing but sympathetic. She has an image of Pam in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with her eyes brimming with tears. She’s suddenly wishing she wasn’t so far away. “I know, honey.”

“I can’t do this. God. Why did he do this? It was fine. We were fine.” Pam says frantically as she stands and starts to pace the length of the kitchen.

It seems trite, but appropriate to say, “Things always happen for a reason.”

The age old adage does nothing to calm her daughter. Pam’s voice becomes angrier by the second. “It’s just not fair. And now - I have to make a choice. And he pretty much told me flat out if I don’t choose him he’s going to leave me and then what will I do? I don’t…I can’t lose him, Mom. I just can’t…”

“Wait. What do you mean?” Her mother is suddenly confused herself. Who exactly is she referring to? Has Roy found out what has happened? She needs to know more. “What are you saying? Who’s going to leave you?”

“JIM.” Pam wails, completely exasperated and inconsolable.

Realization washes over her when she hears Pam say his name. Her voice softens as she replies. “Honey. If he’s the one you’re worried about I think you might have your answer.”

Chapter Three

The morning dragged on, it seemed to take forever to reach noon. Jim grabs his sandwich and makes his way to the break room, rolling his eyes as he hears the strains of Kelly’s voice as he opens the door.

He thinks of the other office romances that seemed to be in full bloom. Kelly and Ryan… Michael and could it be? Jan?

Dwight and Angela.

He shakes his head.

Dwight and Angela.

In a world where a freak like that could find a perfect match, how incredibly screwed up was it that he and Pam were not together?

As he settles down and starts to eat a voice calls out and startles him. “Hey Halpert. Pam around?”

Jim looks over at Roy with a confused look. Shouldn’t he know she never came in today? Leave it to him to pay absolutely zero attention. Typical.

Jim takes another bite and replies. “Um. No. Roy. Haven’t seen her.”

Roy leans against the doorjamb and sighs. “I missed her this morning. I just thought I’d try and catch her. I’ve got news.” He says proudly. “I need to tell her I picked the band.”

Wow. Jim thinks as he stares at him. Finally taking the least bit of interest in marrying the most incredible person on the planet. Way to go Roy

“You did?”

Roy nods. “Yeah. I told Kevin his band could play.”

Jim swallows audibly. “Really?” Great job. He thinks to himself. Pam is going to love that.

“They’re called Scrantonicity.” Roy sways back and forth and snaps his fingers.

“Yeah.” Jim shakes his head. “I’ve heard them.”

“It’ll be a blast – I mean. How funny is that going to be after a few beers?” Roy chuckles.

He throws down his sandwich and leans back in his chair, suddenly losing his appetite. “Yeah. It’s…hysterical.”

Looking at Roy, talking to Roy, his hopes begin to rise again. He can’t possibly believe this wedding is even going to happen. Pam won’t marry him. She can’t. At this precise moment, he’s almost convinced she’s not in today because she’s just taking some time to pack and move out. Jim can’t help his dream scenario from clouding his brain.

It’s rare for them to have a real conversation, but Roy seems in a chatty mood. “So. Who you bringing to the wedding? That…” Roy bites his bottom lip and grunts softly. “mmm. Super hottie from the Booze Cruise?” He claps his hands together, giving Jim a devilish grin. “I gotta tell you I was im-pressed, Halpert. You still working that?”

Roy, you are soooo classy. Jim thinks with disgust. “Actually, I’m not taking anyone. Didn’t Pam tell you? I won’t be able to make it.” He replies as he takes a sip of his soda.

He blinks back at Jim, surprised by his answer. “You won’t? Why not?”

Jim’s surprised himself. He can’t believe Pam hasn’t mentioned it. “Yeah. I won’t be around. I’m going on vacation. To – um. Australia.”

“Oh.” Roy looks at him confused. He yawns and scratches his head. “That flight’s a bitch isn’t it? Takes like a day to get there right?”

“Yeah it does.”

Roy grins wider. “She jabbered on about going to Europe or but I told her no way. I mean, who wants to be somewhere where they don't even freaking speak English? I told Pam – for the honeymoon? We’re only going as far as Jamaica or the Bahamas or something. We’re going to one of those all inclusive deals. The quicker we get there, the sooner you can hit the swim up bar. Right?”

Jim can’t take much more of this. He’s completely disgusted, but at the same time he’s now imagining Pam lying on the beach, in a skimpy bathing suit.

Too bad he’s also imagining that she’s lying on the beach next to Roy.

“Yeah. Right.” He tosses his half eaten sandwich back in the brown bag he brought it in. He tries to keep the anger from his voice as he says. “Um. Roy? I think I should tell you, the reason I haven’t seen her is that Pam never came into work today.”

Roy narrows his eyes at Jim. “She didn’t?”

“No.” Jim sighs. “Wasn’t she there when you left this morning?”

“She might have been. I just…” Roy laughs loudly. “I figured she left before I got up. I guess I just missed her.”

“Is your house that big?” Jim murmurs too low for him to hear. How could he possibly share the same space as her and not even notice her at all?

Jim knows that he’d never be able to do it. He gives Roy a look as he says sarcastically. “I can see how that could happen.”

“You give her a ride last night?” Roy asks then.

No jackass. I let her walk home. Jim takes a deep breath as he replies. “Yeah. I um…dropped her off about one-thirty or two.”

Still blissfully unaware of anything out of the ordinary, Roy steps back and starts to make his way out the door. “Hey. Well - thanks for getting her home, man.”

No problem. Jim thinks to himself as he watches Roy retreat and nods. You want to thank me for kissing the hell out of her too?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Pam had been packing, but not to move out. In a daze she had stood in the bedroom she shares with Roy, filling up her overnight bag. After talking in circles for over an hour, her Mom had finally convinced her to come home.

She hastily scribbles a note and slips out the door. It’s easier to leave than she thought it would be.

She is now sitting in the guest room at her parent’s house, curled up on the bed. She runs her hand over the bedspread, its cheerful flowers doing nothing to brighten her mood.

Coming home was just what she needed. The minute she walked in the door she began to relax. Distance from Scranton was exactly what she needed. Distance from both Roy and Jim.

During the two hour drive she had plenty of time to think things through. As the radio played on she wrote a kind of pro and con list in her mind.

Roy. Roy was strong, dependable, reliable, and steady. Roy never surprised her, she could always count on him.

Jim. Jim was clever, witty, attentive and thoughtful. If he proved anything last night Jim proved that he was…unpredictable. But - most of all - he was so much fun.

Roy can fix cars.

Jim can fix grilled cheese.

Roy can lift the wave runner off the back of the truck all by himself.

Jim can lift her spirits just by buying her a bag of chips.

She knows she has choices. She can choose the easy way out. She can stay with Roy. Stay with what’s reliable and unsurprising.

What would happen if she chose Jim? They may be best friends, but truth be told she rarely sees him outside of work. Granted they spend more than forty hours a week together but what if he’s different when it’s real life and they’re home together, arguing over why he didn’t take out the garbage?

It was definitely something to consider. She can’t deny she has feelings for him but are they strong enough to throw everything she knew away? Could she even do that based on just one kiss?

She also knows, deep in her heart that she could choose neither of them, but the thought of being alone makes her breath hitch and her chest tighten. She can’t even think of that now.

She sits up and glances around the room, her eyes falling on a box she had asked her mother to get out of the attic. She rises from the bed and walks towards it, settling on the floor to rummage through what’s inside.

She smiles slightly as she comes across an old set of pastels and a sketchbook she’d forgotten she had. She slowly flips through it, memories flooding through her mind.

There’s a dried corsage nestled between the pages and she remembers her Senior Prom. Roy had just gotten a new truck and he had been so proud of it.

Honestly? So had she. When they drove up to the school she’d felt like a princess overlooking her subjects. As they walked towards the gym she couldn’t help but hear the snotty remarks the more popular girls whispered in each other’s ears. A smug smile filled Pam’s entire face as Roy whisked her past them. He was a catch and she knew it. She’d felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.

Tears fill her eyes again as she finds a photograph of the two of them, from a picnic with Roy’s family five years ago. As she gazes at the picture she notices there’s a grin on her face that if she’s being honest, she hasn’t seen in quite some time.

She gently runs her finger over the image of Roy, tears blurring her vision. Make me remember why I love you, she pleads to him in her mind.

The thing that’s scaring her about this the most is she thinks she’s completely forgotten.

 

 

 

Chapter Four

It was the single most torturous day on record, more excruciating than any other day he’d ever spent here. It was a day without Pam, a day without answers. Jim is shocked he was able to get through it.

Going home seems too depressing so after work he goes to Happy Hour but of course he is anything but. He sits at the bar, its two-fers at Chili’s and the after-work crowd can’t be more excited by that fact. It works well for Jim, in no time he’s on his sixth beer. The Phillies are playing and are three runs ahead but he barely even notices what’s going on around him.

Did he really think just saying the words would change everything? Jim grabs a tortilla chip and crunches it noisily. Naively, he actually did. He figured that was all she’d been waiting for, for him to say it.

But now, he’s not so sure. Now he’s thinking he’s underestimated things, underestimated Roy and most of all, Pam’s love for him. On the surface Roy was almost like a cartoon character, ignorant and uncomplicated.

If Jim knew Pam like he thought he did he had to face the fact that there must be more to it. She wouldn’t have fallen in love with him for no reason at all. It’s not something he really wants to think about, but until he sees her again that’s all he has, the endless possibilities and how some of them might not go in his favor.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Sir James of Chilington.” Michael says as he sidles up next to him.

Nice. This is just what he needs. Jim sighs as he reaches for his beer and drinks deeply. “Good one Michael.”

“What brings you to this fine establishment?” Michael asks as he takes a cocktail the color of window wiper fluid from the bartender with a smile.

His eyes scan the pandemonium around him. “I’m thinking it’s the ambiance.” Jim replies and takes another chip.

“I hear ya, my man.” Michael looks lovingly around the bar, a glimmer in his eye. “There’s something so….special about this place. I’ve done my best work in this Chili’s.” Michael takes a sip of his drink, dribbling blue liquid down the front of his tie. “Actually. I’m glad I found you. I really could use your advice. You know, mano a mano.”

To his dismay, Jim doesn’t even have enough energy to correct Michael on his use of Spanish, nor to make a hasty exit. He simply sighs again and signals for another round. “What’s up?”

Michael lowers his voice and begins. “I need you to tell me what it’s like – being in a ménage a trois.”

“Wow.” Jim’s eyes fly open wide. “That’s a very personal question Michael.”

Much to Jim’s horror, Michael keeps going. “I mean you and Pam and…Roy, all sharing the same bed…”

Now that is an image he does not even want to contemplate. Jim takes another sip of his beer to wash the bad taste from his mouth. He has no idea why he’s still taking part in this conversation as he answers, “OK. I have never shared a bed with Roy...” He has to take a deep breath as an image of Pam fills his mind, “…or Pam for that matter…”

Michael looks at him, exasperated. “I don’t mean literally, Jim. I mean the whole triangle thing…like Brad and Jen and Angelina all tangled up in the sheets…” He stops for a second and ponders. “Man. How hot would that be?”

“Do you have a point here, Michael?” Jim asks as he stares at the TV screen.

“Well yes Jim. I do actually. You see, I’ve found myself in a little predicament. On one hand, I’ve got Jan – and you know Jan’s…great.” Michael sighs dreamily before he continues. “But on the other there’s Carol. My realtor? She’s equally…great. And you see, Jan’s - she's all about New York and well, Carol, she lives right here in Scranton.”

Michael leans closer and whispers softly and deliberately. “So here’s my question. Do you think there’s enough of the Scottster to satisfy both of them?”

The Scottster? Jim rolls his eyes. He downs the rest of his beer in one gulp. I can’t do this, he thinks desperately as he takes out his wallet. “I think…” He stands and claps Michael on the back. “There’s much more of you than one woman could deal with.”

A satisfied smile fills Michael’s face as he watches Jim walk away.

He’s finally able to breathe again as he makes his way outside. Jim wanders over to a bench and eases down onto it. He’s too buzzed to risk driving home just yet. He leans back and closes his eyes, startled when his cell phone chimes, signaling a text message.

He reaches for his phone and flips it open to retrieve it. His heart beats faster when he sees who it’s from.

I’m sorry - I missed you today. At my Mom’s. Talk to you Monday. P

Jim stares at the phone. His mind starts to analyze every word, every syllable.

I’m sorry. Is she sorry because she’s made her choice and it’s not him?

I missed you today. Missed as in, she simply didn’t come into work so she didn’t see him or missed as in missed, like she’d been dying to see him but didn’t? The only thing he knows for sure is which missed he’d have meant if he’d been the one sending the message.

At my Mom’s. OK. This can only be good. He knows that she’s not with Roy…for the moment at least.

Talk to you Monday. Well, at least now he knows just how long the torture will last.

The warm night air surrounds him as he reads the message over and over, a smile forming before he can stop himself from hoping again. His pulse slows a bit and he's calmer than he's been all day. There’s nothing for him to do now but wait and see.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

It is so good to be home. At dinner, Pam didn’t have much of an appetite but it was always nice to have someone take care of you for a change. Her mom had made all her favorites, listened to her talk when she needed to, gave her space when she wanted time to think. Pam knows that just being here is the best thing she could have done.

She thinks of the message she’s just sent to Jim. It took her an hour to find the right words. After the conversation she had with Roy, telling him that she just had some wedding plans to take care of she felt somewhat guilty. Guilty not just about lying to Roy, but also about not talking to Jim.

Pam couldn’t call him, the words he’s suddenly saying are too much for her to hear, particularly when she’s trying to sort it all out. Still, it only seemed right to let him know where she was.

She’s now in the living room, sitting beside her father as he watches some documentary on World War II. She smiles because just like always, he’s snoring between the commercials. Her dad hasn’t said much at all about her being here, and Pam can’t even be sure her mother has shared the reason with him. It would make him anxious. There was no reason to worry him just yet.

They know each other so well. She thinks with a smile. When she thinks of them together she knows it’s exactly the type of marriage she always dreamed she’d have herself.

Pam opens the sketchbook resting in her lap. While the television drones on, she draws the interior of the church where they’re supposed to have the ceremony, carefully adding every minute detail. The beautiful stained glass window behind the altar, the candle she and Roy will light, signifying that they’ll be joined together forever.

Forever seems like such long time right now.

She flips to a new page, the pencil in her hand moving across it as if it has a will of its own. She just lets it happen, not trying to think too much. It’s such a relief to have something to distract her and she’d always been able to find solace in her drawing.

It’s just that lately she hasn’t really bothered to take the time to do it.

She quickly can see it’s a house, the one she’s always dreamed of. It’s not the first time she’s drawn it of course, but this hope fills her heart as she begins shading the terrace on the second floor.

They don’t make houses like this in Scranton. She thinks to herself again as she draws it. Another thought fills her mind before she can stop it. Do they make them like this in Stamford?

She flips back to the picture of the church, painstakingly adding a pair of figures at the send of the aisle. She draws herself in profile, dressed the fairy tale gown she’s always dreamed of wearing, the very one that’s hanging upstairs in the closet. She draws Roy, handsome in his tux, smiling out at the crowd with those dimples she’s always loved.

With tears in her eyes she flips back to the house, adding a series of stone pots overflowing with flowers along the perimeter of the terrace. She roughly sketches a dogwood tree shading half of it.

She adds a bench and draws herself sitting on it. She draws a night sky, she’s always imagined sitting out there on the terrace at night, just staring up at the stars. She used to wish on them all the time when she was little but again, that’s something she hasn’t done in a while.

When did she stop wishing? She wonders. When did she simply decide what she had was enough?

Her hands moves over the paper again, a figure taking shape on the bench next to her. It takes her only a second to realize it’s not Roy she’s drawing this time, but Jim. And though she’s drawn herself with her eyes titled up to the sky, she’s not as surprised as she should be to find that she’s drawn him staring directly at her.

 

 

Chapter Five

Today was the day. Despite his best intentions Jim barely got a few hours sleep. All night whenever he would start to drift offall he would think was…it’s almost Monday…Monday… Monday.

Anxious beyond belief, he decided it was better not to vary from his normal routine. Shower, breakfast, dragging his feet before taking the ten-minute drive to the office.

Jim picks up his mug and drains the last of his coffee. If ever there was a day that he’d need a bit of extra energy this was it. Taking a deep breath, he grabs his bag and makes his way to the front door. He opens it and stops in his tracks.

“Pam.”

She is standing there, looking like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world for her to be at his doorstep at eight-fifteen in the morning.

“Hi.” She says, smiling nervously up at him.

Jim’s mind is spinning. What does this mean? Smiles are good. Jim can’t help but think. She wouldn’t be here so early with bad news would she?

“I wanted to catch you before you left for work.” She says then.

“You’ve succeeded.” Jim replies and lets his bag drop to the floor and steps outside. He looks at her carefully, noticing the shadows under her eyes. “Are you OK?” He asks concern filling his voice.

“I’m fine.” She nods, but her voice is uncertain. “I drove straight here from my parent’s.”

“Are you sure? You look really tired.” Jim whispers and takes a step closer to her.

She tries to hold back her smile. Leave it to Jim to notice how she looked when she knows he must be so incredibly anxious about what she has to say.

“I am a little. I didn’t get much sleep this weekend.” She shrugs at him.

“Me neither.” He says with a sigh.

They stare at each other, both of them uncertain of just how to start. To Jim’s relief Pam starts speaking first.

He can tell she’s incredibly nervous as she begins. “I wanted to catch you before you got to work. Otherwise it’d be completely…awkward. We’d spend the whole day having to try and find a safe place to talk.”

He could just imagine it now. She looks so serious so he simply says, “OK.”

She shakes her head and wrings her hands as she stands before him. “I can’t believe this is even happening. It all seems so surreal.”

“I know.” Jim nods.

Pam tries to keep her voice steady as she begins. This is the third time she’s said it out loud, and it gets easier every time.

“I wanted to let you know. I’m calling off the wedding. Roy and I? It’s not going to happen.”

Jim’s heart starts to beat frantically as he stands before her, his hands itching to touch her, his arms dying to hold her close. Still he keeps them at his sides as he says. “That’s…great.”

Pam’s not finished. She still has more to get out. “I did a lot of thinking while I was home and I finally decided that it’s just not fair. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I want more. I almost forgot I did but you made me remember. So thank you for that.”

Jim is desperately trying to take his cues from Pam but she’s not giving him much to work with. At this declaration, in his mind they should be entwined in a passionate embrace right about now but it’s not at all the case. Pam’s still a full two feet away, gazing up at him with watery eyes.

She turns away looks out over the yard. “Ten years is a long time.”

“Yeah it is.” Jim nods. Where is she going with this?

“I will probably always love him. At least…a little bit.” She adds, her voice shaking.

He wants to go over to her and pull her in his arms but he still can’t figure out exactly what’s going on here. So he simply says, “Understandable.”

She turns around and stares into Jim’s eyes, her words challenging him. “I know you don’t like him.”

Jim shrugs his shoulders and shoves his hands in his pockets to keep from touching her. “It’s not that I don’t like him Pam it’s that I don’t like what he does to you.”

“This can’t be about you.” She says then.

Unable to take the uncertainty any longer he stares at her and says, “Pam. What are you trying to say?”

It surprises her that the next words are the hardest to get out. But then she remembers how she’d made her decision. If she was meant to marry Roy there should be no question in her mind. Jim saying he was in love with her would have been a sweet moment that she’d remember fondly on their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. But his words had filled her mind with nothing but questions and possibilities.

Jim’s is trying to read the look on her face. He is not at all prepared for what she says in response to his question.

“You should take that job in Stamford.”

He’s not sure he’s heard her correctly. “W-what?”

“You should go. It’s a great opportunity for you.” She continues.

He gives her a look and decides to take a chance. “If you don’t mind I’d rather take the one that’s in front of me right now.”

She stares up at him with tears in her eyes. “I can’t…”

There are those words again. If he could strike them from the English language he’d do it. He gets it now. She’s not choosing Roy and she’s not choosing him. In a way this scenario is even more painful. He stares at his feet and starts to will her to leave in his mind. He’s had about enough heartache for a Monday morning.

Pam begins to tremble as she continues. “Roy’s very proud. When I tell him the wedding is off he’s not going to take it well, even if it seems he’s had little interest in it. It’ll be more about what people think of him than actually losing me.”

Saying the words reconfirm that she’s made the right decision, but she can see Jim still doesn’t understand. “If he thinks that my feelings for you have anything to do with it it’ll be a complete disaster. There is no doubt in my mind that he’ll go after you and honestly Jim, I’m just trying to protect you.”

Did he hear her right? Did she just say she had feelings for him? He means to ask her that but instead his eyes finally meet hers as he says, “Protect me from what?”

He’s amazed to find laughter in them as Pam replies. “Face it Halpert. Roy could totally kick your ass.”

He grins back at her. “I beg to differ.”

“Beg all you want, I don’t see you with a purple belt.” She shoots back at him.

Pam smiles widely as she gazes up into Jim’s eyes. They can do this. For a second it’s like everything is back to normal, is all she can think and she nearly sighs with relief over that fact.

Her eyes fill with sorrow as the moment passes. She isn’t done and this isn’t going to be easy at all. She is terrified of what’s going to happen next.

She takes a deep breath as she starts, “I need it to not be about you. I need you to go – so that I can give him at least that much. He’d be perfectly happy living here, working here for the rest of our lives. It’s not his fault that I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s not his fault that somehow I outgrew him and didn’t notice until now.”

“OK.”

Pam doesn’t hear him and keeps trying to sell the concept. “More than that, this is a good thing for you. Stamford is so close to New York, Jim. There’s so much to do there. And I know you don’t want to sell paper forever so just imagine all the opportunities you’d have…”

He takes a step forward and places a hand gently on her arm. “It’s OK, Pam. I’ll go.”

She blinks the tears from her eyes as she finally hears him. “You’ll go.”

“If that’s what you want.” He nods.

Pam presses a hand to her heart. Why is it breaking when he’s doing what she asked? “You’re not going to argue with me?”

“There’s nothing to argue about.” He shrugs. He wishes he could put up more of a fight but it’s not worth it. He knows that he’ll do whatever she asks if he thinks it would make her happy.

“You’re right. It is a good opportunity and if it makes it easier for you to have me out of the picture then I’ll go.” He gives her a look that holds a challenge. “On one condition.”

She opens her mouth but she can’t form a sentence. Luckily, Jim is able to find his voice.

“Call Jan. Take that internship.”

“Jim…” She sighs.

“You have too much talent to let it go to waste like that.” He stares at her accusingly. “It’s practically criminal.”

“Jim…”

The look he gives her makes her tingle from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. “Besides I won’t be able to leave you here if I know you’re stuck in that office alone. It’s like throwing you to the wolves.”

“Hey. I can hold my own.” She says with mock disgust.

She was right, of course. She’d been his perfect partner in crime. It was one of the million things he loved about her. His voice warms as he takes another step forward. “You certainly can.”

Pam stares at her hands, her thumb running over her ring finger, which is now bare. “I emailed Jan yesterday.” She says quietly. “She’s such a workaholic she’s already emailed me back. She’s going to call me today to talk about it.”

“You did? Pam. That’s fantastic.” He says, smiling brightly.

Pam can’t understand why he’s not angrier with her. “Why are you so happy? I just told you I wanted you to leave town.”

“Yes. But you’ve also told me you’re not getting married and you’re going to do something with that amazing gift you have.” He smiles wider. “Not a bad day if you ask me.”

Pam can’t believe what he’s saying. It’s like every second she’s more convinced she’s made the right decision. As his words fill her mind her feet have a will of their own. She suddenly closes the distance between them. Once again, she doesn’t stop to think as she rises on her toes and kisses him full on the mouth. He smiles against her lips and drags her closer, his arms holding her so gently it’s like he’s afraid she might break. He deepens the kiss and she sighs as her hands travel up his chest, finally framing his face as her fingers tangle in his hair.

The only thought that fills his mind at the moment is, this is more like it.

Jim could stay right here forever, but he can feel her beginning to hesitate. Quick to not lose the moment, he laughs as he pulls away. “Who would have known? You’re just plain evil, Beesly. You’re going to make me sit across from you all day remembering that?”

“What?” She says innocently.

He smirks at her in reply.

She looks at him thoughtfully and then stares at her feet as she asks. “When did this happen? I keep trying to remember…”

Jim shrugs and gives a small chuckle. “I believe you interviewed for a job and the rest is history." He sighs as he adds, "Plus, I've always been a sucker for girls who wear cardigans.”

She laughs and shakes her head at him as she gazes into his eyes again. “I’m serious. When did you stop being Jim and become, Jim?”

He knows what she means, but can’t help her with the answer. He can hardly remember a day when he wasn’t in love with her.

Her voice is shaking a bit as she goes on. “We can have both right? We’re not going to stop being friends just because…”

He pulls her close again, steadier when he’s holding her in his arms. “Sure. I think we can handle it. We just have to add a few clauses to our friendship agreement.”

She rests her head on his chest as she asks, “Such as?”

“One that stipulates that now I get to see you naked.” He replies with a smile.

She pulls back and stares at him as if she’s completely offended. “When are you leaving for Stamford again?”

“Too soon.” He says softly, knowing it’s going to be torture to be away from her for any length of time. But deep down he knows it’s for the best. She’ll need time to finish things with Roy, to decide what she really wants to do. And when she’s in New York for her internship, he’ll take the train into meet her. Instead of simply running away from what he was too scared to face, leaving Scranton will be the best thing he’s ever done.

A little more than a year later Pam is standing at the back of the church, dressed in white with her arm curled around her father’s. On her left hand, which is clutching a bouquet of summer flowers, she wears a different ring that catches the sunlight and casts a rainbow right near her feet. So much had happened in so short a time that she cannot believe the day has finally come.

Jim waits at the end of the aisle, staring expectantly at the doors. This is the moment he’s been waiting for his whole life.

The ceremony begins and he promises to love her forever, which is easy because he’s already been doing it for so long. A smile lights up her whole face as Pam agrees to do the same.

When he kisses her it’s unlike the first time, when there was nothing but doubt and uncertainty. This time he can see their whole future together.

They dance and double over with laughter at their reception as Kevin’s band plays. They had decided together that it wouldn’t hurt to have them for one set as long as they had a good DJ to make up for it.

He takes her to Paris for a honeymoon, and stares at her in wonder when she turns a full circle at the entrance of the Louvre, taking it all in. She’s so excited she fills two sketchbooks in two days and then one morning suddenly tells him she’s seen enough art for a while, today she’d rather see more of him.

Back home, still in a newlywed haze, they both go back to work. Pam now works at a small ad agency in New York and Jim works at a job that is far from stimulating but pays well enough for them to put a down payment on a house in Stamford.

One that has a terrace on the second floor.

They sit out there together after dinner staring up at the stars. Pam can’t imagine what else she could possibly wish for. As she curls her legs up on the bench and snuggles closer to him they both know without saying a word that they are fine with their choices