This story was originally a birthday gift for my wonderful friend and beta, belsum. Love you!
It was started long before we knew how the Jim and Pam story would go-- and I got a lot of details wrong. But I think it is true to their journey, and I'm much too lazy to go through and fix it now!
1. I changed for me by nqllisi
2. I trust you not to leave me by nqllisi
3. I managed while you were gone by nqllisi
4. I am happy by nqllisi
5. I know what I am by nqllisi
6. I am growing every day by nqllisi
7. I choose you by nqllisi
8. I am beautiful by nqllisi
9. I can accomplish anything by nqllisi
10. I am an adult by nqllisi
11. I am very special by nqllisi
12. I will be OK by nqllisi
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 1: I changed for me
Jim sat down at his desk. His hands were shaking slightly, and he felt like he’d run the distance from New York instead of driving it. He’d just asked Pam to dinner, and made it clear that it was a date. No misinterpretations.
She’d said yes.
Moments later, Jim watched Pam walk back to her desk from the empty office they used to tape the confessional segments. She was blushing furiously and barely made eye contact as she passed him with a shy smile. She is just…so incredibly beautiful, he thought to himself. He got up and followed her, draping his upper body over her tall desk as she settled back into her chair.
“So,” he began, trying to sound casual. “I was thinking we could go right after work…leave your car here, and then swing back to get it later.” He knew he was being impatient, but he didn’t think he could handle leaving the office at five and waiting until six-thirty or seven to pick her up.
Pam’s forehead creased a bit. “No, that won’t work,” she said.
Panic flooded Jim’s entire being. She was changing her mind. He’d made the wrong decision. “Oh, OK, um, I-”
She interrupted smoothly. “You can follow me back to my place and we’ll leave my car there. I’ll just want to stop in the apartment for a few seconds. You can finally see my one kitchen.” Pam was smiling again. Jim was glad he was leaning against the desk; he felt weak with relief.
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The apartment was tiny, and cheaply furnished, but Jim was amazed at how warm and welcoming the space was. The colors and the patterns, the knickknacks and the artwork, the arrangement of the furniture- the place felt like Pam. He felt immediately at home.
He could hear the muted sounds of Pam bustling around in the next room. He had a brief flash of Pam re-enacting a scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary, with the heroine hastily changing into sexier underclothes. Stop thinking like that, he told himself sternly.
“OK, I’m ready.” Engrossed in his impure thoughts, Jim hadn’t heard Pam re-enter the room.
“Great, let’s…” he started, but didn’t finish the thought. Instead, he said haltingly, “You- you changed.”
She had changed. Instead of her simple work shirt and pink cardigan, she was now wearing a very stylish red blouse that matched the hue of her newly-applied lipstick. She had also taken her hair out of its normal barrette, letting it flow gently over her shoulders.
She smiled self-consciously, pushing her hair behind her ear but not dropping her gaze. “Yeah. Is that OK?”
This was Pam as he’d rarely seen her- vibrantly, consciously, intentionally beautiful. That she’s done this for him was overwhelming. “Yes. I mean, wow, yes. Just…you didn’t have to change for me.”
Pam looked confused, and Jim struggled to find words to express what he meant. “You look…amazing…but you didn’t have to change. I meant it when I said we could go right after work. You already looked perfect.”
Pam smiled, but her eyes were serious. “I didn’t change for you. I changed for me.” She reached up and smoothed the lapel of Jim’s dark suit jacket. “Tonight is special and I felt like dressing up. Besides, you were already all fancy.” She stepped away and picked up her purse, heading confidently toward the door. “We match better now.”
We match perfectly, Jim thought to himself as he followed her.
Disclaimer: Still own nothing.
Chapter 2: I trust you not to leave meIt was around 3:30 when Jim got the e-mail from Pam. He looked up to smile at her, but all he saw was her gray-clad back disappearing toward the ladies’ room, a gym bag over her shoulder. Puzzled, he opened the mail.
From: pbeesley@dundermifflin.com
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 3:27 PM
To: jhalpert@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Early Birthday Gift
Love,
Pam
Love, Pam. The two words were still enough to astound him. Things hadn’t been entirely smooth for them since their first date back in May, but the simple fact that he and Pam were facing and dealing with issues together, with the common goal of being together, was enough to make Jim happier than he had ever remembered being.
He smiled at his computer screen, eager for whatever plan Pam had concocted. She was constantly surprising him, both with things Jim was just discovering about her and with things Pam was just discovering about herself. He picked up the phone to make the final calls he had to make for the day.
The final customer he’d needed to speak to was just hanging up when Pam emerged, approaching his desk with a smile.
“You changed,” he said, grinning. Instead of a gray cardigan and black skirt, Pam was now wearing white shorts and a pink t-shirt Jim didn’t recognize (but which, judging from his leering gaze, Kevin appreciated very much). Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, a style she favored on weekends but rarely wore to work. She was holding the gym bag, which Jim now recognized as his own, in front of her torso.
“I did,” she agreed. “Here.” She pushed the gym bag toward him. “It’s your birthday present.”
“Wow, my own gym bag,” Jim deadpanned, unzipping the bag. “Filled with my own clothes, too! Pam, you’re really too good to me.” He couldn’t maintain a straight face when she laughed. He loved her laughter so much.
“Keep looking, smart guy,” she replied, laughter still coloring her words.
Dwight, who had been watching this exchange with interest, chose this moment to interrupt. “It is not your birthday, Jim. And that is not proper workplace attire, Pam. This is all very irregular.”
Jim turned to exchange amused glances with Pam, but was surprised to see that she was glaring at Dwight.
“Shhhhhh, Dwight,” she hissed. “You’ll blow our cover!” She moved quickly around to Dwight’s side, crouching down so that only Dwight and Jim could hear her next words. “Listen, I’m only telling you this because I believe you can be trusted. If you betray us, it could cost us our jobs and irrevocably harm Dunder Mifflin.” She threw a glance at Jim.
Seeing the sparkle in her eyes, he immediately played along. “Pam, no,” he said, matching the quiet intensity of her tone. “We’re not supposed to tell anyone.”
Pam’s lip twitched almost imperceptibly, but she didn’t break character. “He’s already onto us, Jim. This is the only way.” She turned back to Dwight. “Listen- Ryan has asked Jim and me to complete a special top-secret project…without Michael’s knowledge. I’ve told Michael that I’m surprising Jim with tickets to a Phillies’ game, so we have to leave early. That’s why I’m wearing this Phillies t-shirt, and why there is a new Phillies jersey in that bag for Jim.” Dwight started to speak, but Pam stopped him with a gesture. “Dwight, I told Ryan that you were a better choice for this mission, but he thinks that your personal loyalty to Michael outweighs your loyalty to the company. If you tell Michael, or anyone, what we’re doing…you’ll be proving him right. I’m trusting you, Dwight.”
As Dwight swore his loyalty to Dunder Mifflin, Jim marveled at the woman beside him. She was brilliant, funny, and beautiful. Looking back down into the bag on his lap, Jim realized that there was, indeed, a new Phillies jersey folded carefully along with his own shorts and shoes. A narrow envelope with his name printed on it was tucked into the inside pocket. He pulled the envelope out as Pam moved back over to perch on the edge of his desk.
“What do you think of my ‘cover story,’ Halpert?” Pam was smiling, but he could detect a hint of hesitation, as though she were nervous that he wouldn’t like his gift.
“Did you- you bought me baseball tickets?” He was grinning like an idiot, excited to go to the game, and so touched that she would do something like this for him.
“I bought you baseball tickets, a jersey, this t-shirt for myself, and I booked a hotel room for after the game. We’re playing the Atlanta Braves, and we have a 7:05 start, so we have to get moving.” Seeing that he was pleased, Pam looked much happier.
A sudden thought struck Jim. He took Pam’s hand gently, and spoke more softly. “Pam, are you sure? You never go to games…”
Pam’s smile softened. “I never used to go to games. But I trust you not to leave me there, or to get drunk and make a scene, or to ignore me to talk to the guys around you. In fact, I have a feeling that with you I’m going to have a wonderful time.” She squeezed his hand and then let go. “And you like baseball, and it’s almost your birthday. Now go change so we can get on the road!”
Jim stood up, but still he hesitated. “Are you sure, Pam?”
She laughed. “Yes! Anyway, we have to go, now. I’ve already changed.”
Five minutes later, Jim and Pam headed out of the office dressed in their fabulous new Phillies gear. “Happy Birthday, Jim! Have fun at the Phillies’ game!” they heard Dwight bellow. Laughing, they entered the elevator hand in hand.
Standard disclaimer: I own nothing but the love.
Chapter 3: I managed while you were gone
“PAM! You look amaaaazing!” Kelly’s squeal reached Pam’s ears before she ever got to her desk. With a blur of bronze skin and purple sweater, Kelly herself stood in front of the reception desk, eager to critique Pam’s new outfit.
Pam took a deep breath and smiled weakly. “Thanks, Kelly.” She self-consciously smoothed the hem of the tailored jacket she wore over the matching pants. Pam thought that the suit was flattering- the pinstripes made her look tall, and the details at the waist emphasized her slenderness. Still, it didn’t feel like “her,” and she dreaded the attention she was going to get for dressing so differently…attention such as the rapt gaze she was still getting from Kelly.
“Where did you get that suit? How come you don’t dress like that more often? How long did it take you to unfrizz your hair like that? Why are you so dressed up today, anyway?” Kelly punctuated each question with a little bounce and a tiny clap. Pam felt dizzy.
“Pam got the suit at TJ Maxx; she looks beautiful everyday no matter what she wears; her hair is not frizzy, it is naturally curly; and she’s dressed up because she knows her boyfriend really likes it.” Jim had entered the room while Kelly was speaking. Pam smiled her thanks for the rescue, and Jim grinned back. Before Kelly had a chance to reply, Jim continued. “Wow, Kelly, is that a new top?”
Pam’s outfit was forgotten. “It totally is, thanks for noticing Jim! There was a huge sale at the mall last weekend, and I got this and some new jeans and two totally cute pairs of shoes!” Fortunately, the phone rang at that moment, and Pam lunged to answer it to avoid any more conversation with her overly-enthusiastic co-worker. As Pam spoke with the caller, Jim somehow extricated himself from Kelly, who drifted back to her own work while Jim took his seat at his desk.
Jim had saved Pam from having to answer Kelly, but there was a reason she was dressed up in such an uncharacteristic way. Later that morning, Pam had a job interview.
Pam had applied for an Office Administrator position at the local university where she was taking art classes. The job would have higher pay, managerial responsibility over student employees, and free tuition for classes at the school. It was a huge, scary step, but it was also a great opportunity. Pam couldn’t decide if she felt more excited or nervous.
The morning went fast, with Jim coming over several times to tell her how amazing she looked and give her ridiculous fake interviewing tips ("Be sure to eat garlic beforehand, to show that you appreciate ethnic diversity." "Show you have an interest in education- mention your hero Mary Kay Letourneau"). Otherwise, the office was quiet, and Pam was starting to think she might be able to get to her interview at 11:00 with no problem when Michael finally arrived. “Wow, Pam, look at you!”
“Hi, Michael,” Pam replied. She always tried to keep her speech as uninflected as possible whenever she first spoke to Michael, in order to best gauge his mood.
“That’s a really nice suit,” he said morosely. “It looks like something Jan would wear. The old Jan. The one who was my boss and then my lover, but not my live-in crazy person.”
“OK,” Pam said quietly. It was a default answer, born from too many years of trying to figure out what to say to Michael. I look like Jan? She laughed to herself silently at the thought. No wonder Jim likes my outfit so much, I’m dressed like Karen.
Pam told Michael that she had an appointment to get to, implying that it was a doctor’s visit. Accepting her excuse quietly, Michael finally headed into his office. It was almost time to go, and Jim sauntered over for a final pep talk.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Yeah, I think so. How do I look?” She couldn’t stop herself from asking the question, now that she’d had the thought about Jim’s ex-girlfriend’s corporate style.
“You look great. Very professional,” Jim smiled. “Honestly, though, I miss your normal look. This is a big change.”
Pam felt herself beaming at him. He always knew exactly what to say. “I think change can be good, don’t you?”
“Yeah. But don’t change too much- I like you an awful lot.” Something in his tone was so warm, so loving, that Pam blushed to the tips of her toes.
As she bent to pick up her purse, she laughed gently. “Hey, can I use you for a reference?” she asked. “I need someone to say nice things about me- and you are the Assistant Regional Manager.”
“I don’t know about that Pam.” He was teasing, but his loving tone hadn’t changed. “I mean, you deserve a good recommendation, but…” The smile dropped away from Jim for a second, and his eyes showed her exactly what she meant to him. “…but I think I’m going to hate working here without you.”
Pam felt tears behind her eyes, but she forced her tone to be light. “I managed while you were gone. You’ll be fine.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. If she didn’t leave soon, she’d be late. However, Jim was standing in front of her with a look of pain on his face. She’d meant it as a joke, but he’d felt the truth of it.
Suddenly, Pam felt a rush of love so strong that she thought she might burst out crying. “How about this- if I do get the job, you have to marry me so you are sure to see me every day. OK?”
The look of absolute shock on Jim’s face was enough to keep Pam smiling all the way through her interview. Her new boss loved her suit.
Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with The Office or its characters, and no infringement is intended.
Chapter 4: I am happy
Jim knocked lightly on the door. "Pam, you about ready?"
"Yeah. Can you- can you come here a second?"
Jim hesitated, then pushed the door open. The sight inside the small room made him catch his breath in grateful awe, but he covered his reaction with a joke. "You changed clothes! Pam you didn't tell me you were going to change."
Pam rolled her eyes, grinning."Shut up," she said pleasantly.
He moved toward her. She's so beautiful, he thought reverently. Still, he couldn't resist further teasing her. "That dress is cute. Is it new?"
"Brand new. Do you really like it?" Pam was still smiling, but there was a note of anxiety in her voice.
The idea that she would actually worry that he didn't like how she looked humbled and amused him in equal parts. She was stunning. Her long hair was smooth and shiny, hanging down in long, soft waves. Her fair skin glistened with a bit more make-up than usual, and excitement (or nerves) brought a hint of color to her cheeks and a sparkle to her eyes. Fiery blue sapphire earrings, borrowed from her aunt, peeked out from under her hair. Most conspicuous, of course, was her slender yet curvy figure, accented perfectly by the beaded bodice and full skirt of her gorgeous white satin gown.
There was no teasing in Jim's voice as he answered her. "You are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life." She smiled again, deeply moved and obviously relieved, and his own smile jumped back into place. "Are you absolutely sure you want to marry me? All dressed up like that, I'm pretty sure you could do better."
"Excuse me? I don't have to be dressed up to do better, buddy. You're lucky I'm choosing to settle." Joy and love floated along with Pam's sarcastic words. She moved into Jim's arms. "And yes, I'm sure I want to marry you. I asked you, remember?"
Jim laughed softly. "You asked me first. I do seem to remember a whole proposal with a ring and everything that I get credit for."
"Yeah, whatever." She laughed, too.
Jim suddenly remembered that Pam had asked him to come in. "Did you need something when you asked me to come in here? Are you OK?"
Pam's expression clouded slightly. "I just wanted to see you. I was getting nervous, not seeing you since brunch. I feel much better now."
"Good. I wanted to see you, too. Of course, now we've tempted fate. I guess we should now brace ourselves for bad luck."
"We invited Michael Scott to our wedding- we were already tempting fate." They both laughed. Pam continued playfully, "Besides, that don't-see-the-bride thing is just a silly old wives' tale...and since I won't be an old wife for another forty-five minutes, I refuse to believe it."
Forty-five minutes. After all the months and years of uncertainty and pain and struggle, he, Jim Halpert, was going to marry Pam Beesly in forty-five minutes. His bride. His wife. The thought brought goosebumps to his arms and his mouth went slightly dry.
Careful not to muss her hair or make-up, Jim pulled Pam closer to him. "In forty-five minutes, you're going to be my wife, Pam Beesly."
"No, in forty-five minutes, I'm going to be your wife Pam Halpert. I'll be a whole new person." Pam pressed her lips against his gently.
Jim frowned. "Will this Pam Halpert still make homemade salsa? Because otherwise, I'm sticking with the girl I've got."
"Absolutely, she will." Pam laughed again as Jim pulled back and looked into her eyes. So incredibly beautiful.
"Then I promise, I'll try to make her happy."
"I am happy." So was he.
With another quick kiss, Jim turned to leave the tiny dressing room to make his way to the place he was supposed to wait until the ceremony started. "I'll see you up there. You look beautiful, Pam. I love you." As he pulled the door shut, he saw her glancing into the mirror again. He hoped she believed him. She was beautiful, inside and out.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 5: I know what I am
"Hey, I'm home!"
Jim glanced away from the baseball game on the television toward the clock when he heard Pam come into the front hallway. "Hey, yourself. Where'd you go?" He hadn't been worried, exactly, but Pam was almost an hour late getting home from her evening class. He smiled as his wife entered the room holding a small gray shopping bag.
"Janet told me about a sale at Kohl's, so I stopped there instead of coming straight home. I'm sorry, I should have called." Pam crossed the room and leaned over the recliner to kiss Jim lightly. As she smiled down at him, he took a moment to marvel at how beautiful she was, how happy they finally were. It was a miracle.
Pam straightened up to walk across the family room toward the kitchen. "Hey, now, wait a minute," Jim said. Pam stopped short and turned back with a questioning look. "Aren't you going to model what you bought for me? After I waited all this time, I at least deserve a fashion show."
Pam's eyebrows shot up and she gestured with the bag toward the kitchen. "Well, no, I didn't-- " She stopped, a glint of mischief lighting in her eyes. With a naughty smile, she nodded a bit. "OK, if you're so impatient to see." She crossed the room slowly, her smile becoming downright devilish. Leaning down again, she whispered directly into Jim's ear. "Give me five minutes, then come up and see what I've bought for...us." Her breath on his neck, her throaty whisper, the gleam in her eye- Jim had been mostly joking about wanting a show, but now his whole body was on the lookout for what she might have in the gray bag. The very small gray bag, he noticed with a jolt.
The five minutes that Jim waited in the living room seemed longer than the whole hour he'd waited for Pam to get home. Finally, with an expectant smile and a small amount of discomfort, he climbed the steps to the second floor, crossed the hall, and knocked lightly on the bedroom door. "Ready?"
"Come on in," Pam called from inside. Jim pushed the door open and immediately tried to stifle a guffaw.
Pam was reclining seductively against the pillows on the bed. Swathed around her slender hips like a skirt, she was wearing a fruit-patterned dish towel. Over her right breast was a matching pot-holder. On her left breast, jauntily waving at him, she had perched a fruit-patterned oven mitt. She was trying desperately not to smile.
"Nice outfit. Quite a change from your norm," he managed to say without laughing.
"Thanks." Pam was still fighting a smile, but also looked incredibly amused at herself.
"You think you're funny, don't you?"
Pam shrugged slightly so as not to disturb her precariously placed oven mitt. "I know what I am. Anyway, you're the one who wanted me to model what I bought." She finally giggled. Jim eased himself down onto the edge of the bed and ran a hand gently along her calf.
She looked ridiculous, but she was so beautiful. Despite the kitchen linens, a vast amount of her creamy skin was showing, and her hair was falling around her shoulders in a way that made his breath hitch. He loved her so much. "You're such a dork," he said instead. Something in her eyes told him that she understood what he meant. "Now about this...ensemble..."
Jim reached over to the oven mitt, grasping it as though he were shaking hands. "Nice to meet you. Bye-bye!" With a gentle squeeze of the breast beneath, Jim removed the mitt and flung it off the bed. Pam laughed. Jim paused a moment, as though earnestly considering the pot holder covering the other breast. "Now, Pam, you are scorchin' hot, but I think I can manage without this." The pot holder followed the oven mitt to the floor. Jim proceeded to caress the now-bare flesh, nuzzling up Pam's torso until he reached her mouth for a passionate kiss.
After a moment, though, Pam stopped kissing back. "Wait a minute, what about the dish towel?" she asked in faux concern, her eyes still sparkling at her joke.
"You can leave the dish towel. I'll just call you Dobby."
"HEY!" Pam shouted in pretend outrage. Jim stifled her laughter with kisses. They quickly moved on to better things.
The next morning, Jim smiled when he found the dish towel tucked under his pillow.
Much of this chapter comes directly from an online conversation I had with my wonderful beta belsum when she was preggo. It is used with permission.
Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with the show or the characters, and I even stole Pam's diatribe from belsum's blog...so yeah, it's not mine!
Chapter 6: I am growing every day
"I am so fucking sick and tired of my clothes."
Jim looked around in alarm at this pronouncement. His uncharacteristically foul-mouthed wife was glaring into the bathroom at him, as though somehow the act of brushing his teeth had brought about this revelation. He raised a finger to indicate that she should wait a second, leaned over to spit, and then said, "Huh?"
"I have only four pairs of pants that even fit any more. And that number is quickly dwindling. I tried on an old pair of jeans while you were in the shower, and I couldn't keep them on for longer than a couple of minutes. I'm wearing the same outfits over and over and over." Pam's voice was rising to an hysterical pitch, and her hands were flailing around wildly.
Pam's emotions had brought a pink glow to her rounded cheek and her hair gleamed in the reflected light from the bathroom mirror. Jim thought she looked beautiful. Frightening, but beautiful. He smiled slightly and decided she wouldn't appreciate that opinion. Instead, he went with the safer choice: "Pam, you look fine."
She exhaled loudly. "You don't understand. When I worked at Dunder Mifflin I wore the same cheap, boring clothes, like, every week. Skirt, blouse, cardigan. Skirt, blouse, cardigan. When I went to work at the University I swore I would not do that again. I like dressing nice! I like looking good! I know you think I look fine. I know no one at work cares. But I...ugh!" Pam turned and moved heavily from the doorway of the bathroom down the hall to their bedroom.
With a small sigh, Jim followed, settling himself on the edge of the bed where she had lowered herself. "Your clothes are fine, Pam," he said softly.
She shook her head and made a small sound of disagreement. "I hate that I can only fit into a handful of my good clothes now. I hate that I keep wearing the same basic outfits week in and week out. And I'm not even that big yet!"
Jim took his life into his hands and reached over to touch Pam's swollen belly. He was still in awe that her body, which he loved so much for so many reasons, was now holding and growing a child. Their child. It was a miracle second to none, and Jim decided that having his wife completely insane for a few months was worth it. He decided not to express that opinion either. "You're perfect," he said. He meant it.
When Pam exhaled this time, Jim could see that it was releasing the tension in her shoulders. "Really?"
"Absolutely."
Pam nodded a little bit, as though resigning herself to the situation. "Well, at least maternity clothes will be something new and different...I mean, I have all of these hand-me-downs, but they'll be new for me...I'm just not sure at what point you're supposed to switch over from your own stuff to that stuff!" The tension had crept back into her voice by the last few words.
Jim decided to risk being brave one more time and offer some advice. "Um, well, I think when your own clothes don't fit and you feel uncomfortable in them, it is time to switch over to the maternity clothes...so, probably pretty soon?"
"You think...you think maybe today?" Pam's voice was quavering uncertainly, like it had in the first few days after they'd found out she was pregnant. She had adapted so quickly, and was usually so joyfully confident, that Jim almost forgot that this was all as new and scary for her as it was for him. He reached for her hand and squeezed gently.
"Yeah. How about today?" he answered her. "There's lots of cute stuff in that box from my sister."
Ten minutes later, Pam met him in the kitchen. She was wearing an attractive blouse and pin-striped khakis- stylish, modern maternity wear. To Jim's great relief, she was also smiling. "Well?" she said, twirling a little to model.
"An excellent change, Mrs. Halpert," Jim answered honestly. "Why, I do believe you're glowing."
Pam laughed at his gentle teasing. "I don't know about glowing...I am definitely growing, though. I am growing every day!"
"That's as it should be. I love you, Pam." Jim kissed her gently. "Love you, too, little one," he said, patting her stomach again gently. Pam's answering smile was the perfect accessory to her new outfit.
Standard disclaimer applies!
Chapter 7: I choose you
Tonight was it. Pam had called him after lunch and asked if he had anything planned for the evening- she wanted to get a babysitter for the kids so they could have some time alone.
Jim had agreed, his heart sinking like a drowning man.
He got nothing accomplished for the rest of the day. He suspected that he had accidentally sold Dr. Schriber's office pink card stock instead of normal office paper, but otherwise, nothing. He thought about calling her back to cancel. He thought about going into Michael's office and inviting him to "just drop by" tonight. He thought about where he would go when she asked him to leave.
He couldn't pretend to be surprised.
Since their second child, Jamie, had been born two years prior, things had been strained between them. Somehow having two kids was more than just one extra mouth to feed or one extra story at bedtime- it felt like neither of them ever had two minutes to themselves, not to mention time for each other. Jim couldn't remember the last time they'd called a babysitter- he wondered fleetingly who Pam had asked. Pam's career was flourishing; she'd been promoted, working as the Executive Assistant to the Vice Provost. Jim's work was going well, too. Dunder Mifflin Scranton was officially the top branch of the company for the third year in a row, and healthy commission checks were rolling in every quarter. Between work and the kids, Jim knew he should be grateful for all the good things in his life. But when he looked across the kitchen table at Pam and couldn't tell what she was thinking or feeling, he didn't feel grateful. He felt lost.
And tonight she wanted to be alone to talk. Tonight was it. Jim thought he might throw up.
He arrived at home at 5:25. He usually made it by 5:15, but he had had a hard time making himself leave the office, despite Dwight's persistent questions about his health and mental state. Entering the house, he scooped Lucy up into his arms and squeezed her gently. "How's Daddy's muffin today?" he asked her, wondering if she'd miss him in the morning.
"We're going to Nana's house so you and Mommy can do grown-up things," she said with typical five-year-old wisdom. At one time he'd have laughed at the implication there, but instead he just kissed her gently on the forehead and set her back down.
"Hey." Pam had appeared in the kitchen hallway. She was dressed in one of her most flattering work outfits- a brown pantsuit with pink and cream pinstripes and a cream top underneath. Jim remembered when she bought it- she'd been thrilled to find it on sale at TJ Maxx for only $75. Her hair was tightly tied back into a neat bun. She looked fit, beautiful, professional, competent, and utterly inscrutable. He nodded at her. "Hi," he said.
"Listen, can you drop the kids off at your mom's? I have a few things to do around here before we...well, before you get back." She didn't meet his eyes. Nodding, he gathered the kids and took off. He wondered what she had told his mother.
*************
Jim took a deep breath and opened the front door. The house was very, very quiet. "Pam?" he called out into the silence.
"Hi," Pam answered quietly, walking down the steps toward him from the bedroom.
Jim's head jerked backward as though he'd been doused with cold water. The woman walking down into the living room might have been a ghost from the past. From seven years into their past, in fact. Pam's hair was loosely pulled back from her face, the rest of it hanging in long, soft curls in the back. No longer dressed in the stylish work suit, she was instead wearing a beautiful periwinkle dress in a shimmery fabric that rustled when touched. He remembered exactly how it sounded, how it felt.
"You- you changed," Jim said, barely above a whisper.
"Yes." Pam walked close to him, her voice equally quiet. "I thought...I thought I should."
"I didn't know you still had that dress."
She nodded, understanding the questions implicit in his statement: Why that dress? Why tonight? She replied, "I would never get rid of it. That night changed everything. As much as it hurt, it was our first real step toward each other." Her actions mirroring her words, Pam took a step toward Jim and took his hands in her own. "A lot of things have changed lately, but just because change hurts doesn't mean it won't work out." Tears pooled in Pam's eyes, but her voice was firm and her gaze never wavered from his own.
Jim took the first real breath he could remember in months. "You think we can work things out?" he asked cautiously.
Pam nodded. "I love you. And if we could come back from what happened the last time I wore this dress...then I think we'll be OK. I mean, if that's what you want."
A surge of old anger hit Jim. "If I want..? C'mon, Pam. This has always been your choice, you know that." He'd always wanted her, even when he'd tried to deny it. Even now, when he was the one making things hard, pushing her away, focusing on his work, resenting her success- deep down, he had always wanted her and was desperately afraid that she wouldn't want him.
Jim realized that he was still looking into her eyes, but suddenly Jim could read fear and confusion there. The fact that he could see it, could read her expression, was almost enough to make him weep in relief. He felt instantly ashamed of his pettiness just seconds before.
Pam saw his expression soften, and her own chin rose a little higher. The determination on her face was something he had grown accustomed to; it was amazing to remember a time before she'd learned to trust her own strength. "I choose you, Jim."
Immediately he had her in his arms. He'd been so afraid of losing her, he'd forgotten that he had the option to fight for her. Jim vowed softly in her ear to "make things better, make things right."
Pam pulled back and looked into his eyes, smiling softly. "Help me out of this dress?"
Jim was a little stunned. "Yeah. But- are you sure? You don't want to talk first, or--?"
Pam laughed slightly, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "I've had two kids since I've worn this dress, Jim. It is really uncomfortably tight. Can't we talk in sweat pants?"
Jim was happy to help her with her zipper.
Chapter 8: I am beautiful
“You’re not changing?” Jim walked out of the beach-front bungalow and approached Pam, who was sitting on the steps. She moved her head slightly to acknowledge that she’d heard him, but her eyes never left the scene in front of her. The expanse of ocean and cloudless sky, the soft waves of the sand, the splashes of color made by her children, their beach towels, their plastic buckets and shovels, the other people on the beach- her hand moved involuntarily as she imagined drawing the picture.
“Hmm, no,” she answered him. “I don’t think so.”
“You don’t want to get in the water?” Jim sat down beside her.
“Not really.” They sat in silence for a while, Pam resting her hand lightly on her husband’s knee. He was wearing swim trunks, with a towel flung over one shoulder, and Pam was still wearing the comfortable sundress she’d worn for the drive to the beach.
Jim finally broke the companionable silence. “I can’t believe how well Lucy and Jamie are getting along today. Barely a peep in the car, and now she’s actually building a sandcastle with him?” At ages 15 and 12, respectively, the Halpert kids were equally likely to be best friends or blood enemies depending on the day. At the moment, though, Lucy was laboring playfully alongside her little brother as they piled damp sand into a huge mound.
“Shut up now before you jinx it,” Pam laughed gently. “Anyway, I’d much rather have her focused on that boy instead of those boys.” She gestured toward a group of young men a short distance down the beach.
Jim’s voice was tense as he answered, “What boys?” and Pam couldn’t help but laugh at his sudden defensiveness. “What’s so funny?” he asked.
“You’re funny. Those boys there, with the blue cooler. They can’t keep their eyes off her.” It was true. Although playing it cool, the four guys kept glancing toward the two sandcastle architects, and not to admire the moat.
“The blue- Pam, they’ve got beer.”
“I think so, yes.”
“What are guys with beer doing looking at a little girl!?”
Pam laughed again, harder this time. “Sweetheart, I hate to point this out, but she’s fifteen- and she hardly looks like a little girl.” Lucy chose this moment to look up and wave at her parents. Tall and long-legged like the Halperts, she had also inherited a soft curviness from her mother that definitely belied her age. Soft brown curls and huge hazel eyes completed the picture of youthful (but certainly not childlike) loveliness.
Jim sighed. “I guess not. But--” he sighed again.
“But what? Those guys aren’t bothering her at all. And if she does notice, she’ll be flattered by the attention, but that’s all. Nothing to worry about.” It was Pam’s turn to sigh a bit.
Jim noticed, of course. He always read her moods perfectly. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” Pam laughed a little at herself, and at the look of disbelief and concern on Jim’s face. “It’s just…oh, this is embarrassing. Never mind.”
“Pam?”
She turned her face slightly and rolled her eyes at herself before confessing. “Fine. It’s just that I sort of miss getting that kind of attention, that’s all.”
Jim looked stunned. His eyebrows shot up until they almost reached his slightly receded hairline. “You- you actually want to get ogled by a bunch of pedophile alcoholics?”
Pam’s shout of laughter made both of their kids, and several of the young men in question, turn and look in her direction. Controlling herself, she managed to answer her husband. “OK, first of all, wow with the slander. But to answer you, no, of course not. I just…I mean, look at Lucy and then tell me why I should go out in public in a swimsuit. It used to be fun to get that kind of attention, but I just feel old and dumpy now.”
Jim was still shaking his head bemusedly. “You are not old. You are not dumpy. You are a dummy if you are worried about what anybody on this beach thinks but me- and I think you are beautiful.”
Pam smiled. “You’re biased.”
Jim nodded. “Yes. But I’ve seen you naked, so I’m also the only true authority.”
Pam sighed again, squeezed Jim’s hand, and slowly stood and walked back into the bungalow. After a few minutes, she emerged, clad in her modest navy swimsuit and a cute cover-up.
“You changed after all,” Jim said, trying not to smirk.
Pam nodded, squinting slightly as she smiled toward the horizon. “Well, when the hottest guy on the beach likes to see you naked…how can a girl resist that kind of logic? Apparently, I am beautiful.”
“Good. You’re finally talking sense,” Jim said, kissing her lightly as they walked through the sand to join their kids.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I was finally motivated to continue as my way of apologizing for my previous 55 words of angst. Enjoy!
I can accomplish anything
“Shouldn’t you be getting changed?” Jim was already dressed in his dress shirt and tie, his suit jacket flung over his arm. Pam, on the other hand, was still in shorts and a t-shirt.
Pam smiled ruefully up at Jim from where she was sitting on the edge of the bed, the traditional garments laid out beside her. She answered, “Yes. I’m just procrastinating, I guess…it’s just that I’m going to look so fat and shapeless in that thing. Not to mention that because of my huge head, I look ridiculous in hats.”
“It’s a ridiculous looking hat. But you’ll match all the other graduates up there, and it’s not like anyone is going to be looking at your figure anyway.” Jim had meant his reply to be some of their standard gentle teasing, but a little bit of bitterness had slipped into his tone. He looked at Pam quickly, hoping that perhaps she hadn’t noticed. No such luck.
She had cocked one eyebrow up and was looking at him suspiciously. “I realize that a graduation ceremony isn’t a fashion show, dear,” she said pointedly. “Is something else about it bothering you?”
Jim shook his head. “No, of course not. Why?” It was an unwise tactic, and he knew it, but they had to leave in less than 10 minutes if they were going to get decent parking; he didn’t want to get into all of it now.
“'Why’? Oh, I don’t know, just that you’ve been snippy all day. You barely spoke two words to Lucy when she called this morning, and I think Jamie’s hiding from you.” Pam gestured down the hallway toward their 17-year old son’s room, the door of which was closed.
Jim sighed. “Pam, we don’t have time for this if we’re going to get to your graduation in time.” Jim seemed incapable of saying the right things. He realized his mistake immediately when Pam’s eyes flashed amber-colored sparks.
She drew a deep breath before replying, “It’s my graduation, and I am perfectly happy to skip it if that’s what needs to happen to get this straightened out. Anyway, this is the first time you’ve actually acted like you wanted to go to the ceremony since I first mentioned it.”
“Pam. I don’t want you to miss this.” Jim’s voice and expression got lower and bleaker as he went on: “You’ve worked so hard for it for so long, it’s really…important and special and I have always tried to support you.” By the time he mumbled the end of his sentence, Jim was looking down at his feet.
“What is the matter with you? You say you’re trying to support me but it comes out like someone’s making you eat Brussels sprouts!” Pam was totally confused; it showed on her face and echoed in her voice. “I don’t understand your attitude. You’re the one who encouraged me to pursue my MBA after Lucy went away to school. You’re the one who chauffeured Jamie to practice and parties until he got his license so that I could do homework. You’re even the one who convinced Ryan to let me come back and do my thesis project at Dunder Mifflin. So why are you acting like you’re upset that I’ve actually graduated? It can’t possibly be a surprise that this happened. Or didn’t you think I could do it?”
Pam’s voice was mostly calm, but Jim recoiled as if she’d screamed. Shaking his head, he sank down onto the bed beside her. “Of course I thought you could do it. You can do anything you set your mind to. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it, Jim? You seem so miserable.”
“No. No, it’s just…” He sighed deeply. “It’s just that I see what you’ve done, and I just realize that I’ve done nothing. You’ve worked so hard, at your job, with the kids, and with school, and I-,” Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I go off and mess with Dwight for a couple of hours, and come home and that’s…it. And now you’ve got your degree, and all your experience, and you can do anything. Anything. And I’m managing a branch of a mid-sized paper company. I feel like…like a failure, and like I’m holding you back.”
It was Pam’s turn to look stunned. “What?” was all she could manage to say.
Jim reached his hand up and pushed the slightly-grayed hair away from Pam’s temple. “I’ve never had much ambition, but I’m starting to think that I should have tried harder for you. So you could be as proud of me as I am of you,” he said softly.
Pam grabbed his hand, pressing it against her cheek for a moment and then lowering it, still grasped firmly in hers. “Listen to me, Jim Halpert. You are a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father. You do a great job at work- your clients and your employees love you- even Dwight sort of respects you now.” She grinned slightly before continuing. “The kids you coach, the people at church that you help, old Elaine next door whose lawn you mow- you touch lives wherever you go. I am so proud of you, and the man that you are.”
Jim looked away, touched and slightly embarrassed, but Pam wasn’t done. “Jim, you are the best friend I’ve ever had. I know I can accomplish anything- because I have you in my life. I wouldn’t have this degree without you. I wouldn’t have…I wouldn’t have anything without you.”
Jim drew Pam’s hand up to his lips, kissing it softly. With his other hand, he nonchalantly dashed away the tear that had slipped from the corner of his eye. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then pressed his own against it. With a deep, grateful breath, Jim took in her love, her acceptance, her way of being exactly what he needed, still. As he released the breath, he whispered to her gently, “Actually, you’d still have your huge head.”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Halpert family reached the graduation ceremony in disarray. They had a terrible parking place, Pam’s gown and mortarboard were slightly askew, Jamie was limping from twisting his ankle in his haste to get to the car, and Jim was sporting a new bruise on his shin from where his wife had kicked him in defense of her head size. All three were laughing uproariously as they made their way, only a few minutes late, into the auditorium. When Jim called his daughter Lucy later that evening, he told her that her mother had never looked more beautiful than when she’d accepted her diploma.
"I cannot believe this."
"You mentioned that."
"Don't get sarcastic with me, Jim Halpert."
"I'm not, Pam. Just...relax, OK? We'll get there." Jim's hands clutched the steering wheel too tightly, but otherwise he seemed calm. His wife, however, was bouncing in anxiety in the passenger seat, peering intently out the window at the passing street signs for some clue to where they were.
Pam looked at Jim in disbelief. "Relax? Relax? Our daughter's wedding starts in..." She glanced at her watch with a flourish, "oh, five minutes. We have no idea where we are, no idea how long it will take to get there once we figure it out, and I'm in jeans and a Maryfield University t-shirt!"
"I know, OK? But getting worked up doesn't get us there any faster." Jim's grip on the wheel tightened even further.
Pam slumped back into her seat, her foot still tapping nervously. "I know. I'm sorry. I know. This isn't your fault. I should have gotten better directions from Lucy."
"I still can't believe you rented us a car without a GPS." A tiny bit of irritation colored Jim's voice.
Pam's reply echoed his tension. "I told you, I didn't even think to ask. I haven't even seen a car without a GPS since...I don't know, 2007? I didn't know they still made them." Pam checked her lipgloss in the mirror for the eleventh time. "And those guys at the gas station really didn't know where the botanical gardens were?"
Jim shook his head. "Had never heard of them, or of 'Winslow Avenue.' Try calling her again."
"Jim, she's getting married in...oh, three minutes. She doesn't have her cell phone tucked into her bouquet."
"She's not getting married in three minutes because we're not there yet. She can't start without me- Thank goodness she at least consented to let me walk her down the aisle."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I had to practically beg her, and I had to promise not to call it 'giving her away.' But, at least she made that one small concession to tradition."
"Are you still hung up on the church thing? Honestly, give it a rest."
"Hey, I'm just saying that I'll bet the gas station guys would have known where St. Mark's or First Presbyterian were...but no, Lucy has to get married in a greenhouse."
"A greenhouse. For God's sake..."
"Not really, no."
Pam couldn't help but chuckle. "OK, granted. But she says the botanical gardens are beautiful and really speak to her. I guess she's just got an artist's temperment like me."
Jim's lips twitched but he quickly repressed the smile.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Don't 'nothing' me. What?"
"No, it's just...I mean, if she's really so much like you, maybe we're still in the clear. There's a good chance she's leaving Patrick at the altar as we speak." Jim glanced over at his wife, who was staring at him in equal parts outrage and amusement.
"You know, I'm starting to wish I'd made a habit of that," she said archly.
"Nice, Beesly. Of course, if you had, at least we wouldn't be late for our own daughter's wedding."
"And everyone's going to be sitting there waiting for us. Oh, my God, Jim, do you think they'll make an announcement. Like, 'Dearly beloved, we are sitting here twiddling our thumbs because the bride's parents are wandering around like idiots'?" Pam was fidgeting again, her voice a low wail.
"I guess it depends on how late we end up being."
"And everyone is going to be staring at us when we walk in. Maybe I should try to put my dress on now?"
"In the car?"
"Well? At least then we can dash in to the ceremony as soon as we get there, instead of me trying to find the changing room and all that."
"Yeah, you have a point. Just...please try not to flash anybody, OK?"
Pam started struggling to get the dress out of the back seat and free it from the garment bag. Jim continued to read street signs, looking for one that he recognized from their last visit to this small town, so far from Scranton, that their daughter now called home.
"Pam, you're in my mirror. Careful...why on earth didn't you just get changed at the hotel?"
"I wanted to get ready with Lucy and the other bridesmaids, I told you. I thought it would be fun. And then I could help her get ready, too- one last Mommy job. I can't believe I wasn't there to help her into her dress." Pam's voice turned sad at these last words, although they were muffled by the t-shirt she was pulling off over her head at the time.
"She'll understand. And I'm pretty sure you taught her to dress herself a long time ago," Jim said. He decided to make a left turn at the next intersection.
"I know. That's not what I am worried about. I guess...I wanted it for me. It's a milestone. Like, to prove that I did a good job and I've raised her completely. She's really, completely an adult now. Heck, I guess it means I am an adult now. "
"Um, Pam?"
"Don't say it. I am well aware of the fact that Lucy is now older than I was when I gave birth to her. I'm just talking about how it feels, that's all."
"Yeah, I know. But..."
Pam continued thoughtfully. "I mean, that's why we have ceremonies, right? To mark change. And why we get new clothes for special occasions- like a wedding dress or even the mother-of-the-bride dress."
"Yes, Pam, I understand. But, I was actually going to show you the sign up ahead."
"Winslow Park Botanical Gardens! Oh, thank God."
"Yeah. So do you want me to circle the block while you finish putting your dress on, or should I pull in to the parking lot with you in your bra?"
*************************************
Tall, slender, and radiant, Lucy Halpert and her handsome father made a striking pair walking down the aisle between the gorgeous flora at the botanical garden. The mother of the bride wept with love and pride as she watched them, reaching out to squeeze the hand of her son, who had saved her a seat. The wedding started only about ten minutes late, and if anyone noticed that Pam's lovely coral dress or curly hair were the least bit disheveled, no one was impolite enough to mention it.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I am very special
“Do you like it Grandma?” Pam’s granddaughter Jenny Halpert was looking at her with anxious eyes. Tiny and red-haired, Jenny looked nothing like her father Jamie; she was a perfect miniature of her mother, Jamie’s ex-wife.
Jenny’s cousin Bret also looked exactly like his mother; in fact, he looked so much like Lucy that Pam was sometimes a little freaked out by it. Bret, a serious-minded eight-year-old, was standing slightly behind his six-year-old cousin, watching Pam opening her birthday gift.
The gift in question was a sweatshirt. In fact, it was a kelly green sweatshirt with an iron-on appliqué, of the type commonly found in malls in less affluent areas. This particular appliqué was a picture of a large cartoon cat, so unnaturally dead-eyed that it would have sent Angela Martin herself running in the other direction. Above the cat were the words “#1 Grandma!” in balloon-font letters.
“Of course I…I love it.” Pam felt justified in the lie as Jenny beamed at her in relief. With a sudden intuition, however, she followed up with a question. “Did- did you and Bret pick this out all by yourselves?”
Both kids nodded happily. “We each picked one out, but Granddad said this one was absolutely the one you would like most,” Bret answered.
“Did he? Well, that Granddad of yours sure is a big help.” Pam fought valiantly not to roll her eyes at her husband, who was just then chuckling silently across the room.
“Will you change into it, Gramma?” Jenny asked softly. Pam agreed, and wore her new shirt for the rest of the small family birthday party.
Dusk was falling as Pam and Jim kissed their kids and grandkids good-bye and waved as they drove out of sight. Hand in hand, the two headed back inside and started cleaning up the remnants of party snacks scattered throughout the house. Pam was wrapping the last of the birthday cake for the next day’s dessert when she noticed that Jim had walked into the kitchen silently and was just standing there, watching her.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Jim was grinning at being caught, though, so Pam knew that it was more than “nothing.”
“What?”
He broke into a laugh. “That is the most…hideous shirt I’ve ever seen.”
Pam laughed, too. “Well, yes, thank you. And thanks to you, I’m now stuck wearing it at every family gathering for the next year.”
Jim eased himself into a kitchen chair. “Trust me, the other one was just as bad. Hot pink, in fact.”
“Nice!” Pam finished putting the cake away, and sat down across from Jim at the small table. The sun was setting outside the window, and they watched it quietly for a moment.
Jim reached across the table and took Pam’s hand. In the waning light, any age spots or wrinkles were invisible, but she knew he wouldn’t care about them anyway. His hand was warm and still strong, and she smiled at him, feeling truly blessed for another year of life with this remarkable man.
Jim smiled softly back at her. She loved his smile so much, always. Leaning forward slightly, he broke the comfortable silence. “You haven’t opened my present yet.”
Pam smiled eagerly. “A present for me? I guess that means that I am very special.” They had previously agreed that, instead of buying individual gifts for each other or their kids that year, they would instead surprise the whole family at Christmas with tickets for an all-expenses-paid trip the following summer. Pam knew, therefore, that whatever she was about to receive was probably very inexpensive but also probably very creative.
Jim fetched a plastic bag from the other room. “I didn’t have time to wrap it,” he said, smiling.
Pam’s own smile became more of a smirk as she noticed the name on the bag. “The T-Shirt Hut?”
“Well, while I was there with the kids, something caught my eye. I knew you had to have it.”
Pam opened the bag. Inside was a powder-blue long-sleeved T-shirt, folded neatly. Pam impatiently shook it to open it up, dying with curiosity to see what sort of tacky iron-on he’d chosen. As she finally viewed the front of the shirt, Pam’s eyes and mouth popped open in mingled amusement and horror, and Jim broke into a delighted laugh.
“Well…,” she noted dryly, “I had no idea I’d been married to Kevin Malone all these years.”
“C’mon. I couldn’t resist!” Jim was giggling uncontrollably now, much more at the look on Pam’s face than on the questionable humor of the shirt he’d chosen.
“I at least hope the kids didn’t see this!” Pam was laughing, now, too, but her (grand)maternal instinct was still fully intact.
“Pam! I’m shocked that you would even question that!” Jim stopped laughing long enough to give a look of feigned offense. Reaching again to take Pam’s hand, Jim smiled. “Anyway, crude as it is- it’s still true,” he said. Pam blushed and pulled her hand away, shaking her head and laughing. He continued, “Will you change into it, Gramma?” in a bad imitation of his granddaughter.
“I guess. But just this once!” Pam laughingly led Jim up to their bedroom, brandishing the t-shirt in front of her like a flag. Emblazoned across the chest in navy and silver were the letters GILF.
If you don't understand what Jim bought for Pam, here's an example I found on-line, complete with a definition of the acronym: http://www.cafepress.com/buy/GILF/-/pv_design_prod/p_storeid.35776517/pNo_35776517/id_9225721/opt_/pg_/c_/fpt_
Pam sat at her vanity table, looking into the mirror. She noticed how tired she looked. She picked up her brush and started working on her hair—now gray and shorter, but still thick and shiny.
There was a crash somewhere in the house, followed by the muffled tones of a mother reprimanding her child. She smiled a bit, despite wondering what was broken. Pam loved having the kids and grandkids in the house.
Hair done, Pam stood and took her outfit from the hanger on the back of the door. She loved this suit. It was dark gray and perfectly tailored. Jim had picked it out the last time they’d gone to the mall. “You might have a job interview,” he’d joked. They both knew why she needed it.
She adjusted the skirt, and buttoned the blouse. Her hands were shaking, just a little. Age? Exhaustion? Nerves? She hated to be the center of attention. She always had.
Pam pulled on her jacket and adjusted the collar. With a sigh, she sat back down at the mirror and fixed her makeup.
Another crash from downstairs, and another sharp comment from an adult. Jamie, this time. Ahh, now you’ve done it. You’ve made your dad angry, Pam thought to herself. She thought they ought to let the kids play. They were just kids.
And anyway, she liked the noise. She was dreading how quiet the house would be when everybody went home in a day or so. Pam bit her lip, trying not to think about it.
Pam chose earrings from the jewelry box. Simple diamonds, gifts from Jim more than twenty years prior. She put on her watch. And she looked down at her wedding ring.
The doorbell rang. She started to get up, but she heard someone scurrying down the hall toward the front door. A brief exchange, and the door closed.
There was a tap at her door. “Come in,” Pam said.
“It’s almost time to leave for the service, Mom,” Lucy said. Her eyes were red, but she looked as put-together as she always did.
“Who was at the door?” Pam asked.
“More flowers. From the Schrutes this time.”
Pam smiled. “That’s nice.” She paused. “Oh, God, what do they look like?”
Lucy laughed, slightly. “They’re fine. Very normal.”
“Oh. OK, good.” She nodded. “I’ll be right down.”
Lucy disappeared down the hall. Pam took a deep breath, and looked around the room. At the closet that she would soon half-empty. At the medical equipment that was no longer needed. At the bed that she now slept in alone.
“Oh, God. I miss you so much, Jim. But because you loved me so much...I know I will be OK."