"Jonathan Matthew Halpert! Get down here right now!"

He heard the bellowing. It seemed to happen more frequently than not. Most people didn't "get" his sense of humor. Except his dad. He actually thought she would have found it yesterday, and he was kind of disappointed when he didn't hear her yelling for him after school. He thought he was home free, at least he hoped. Oh well, he had a few days to say he got away with it. So Jon heaved his lanky body off of the bed and flopped down the stairs in a huff.

As he turned the corner into the kitchen, his mother stood there, her arms crossed, a scowl on her face. She looked red, and he thought of cracking a joke but remembered he cherished his life. He'd stay quiet.

He didn't need her to tell him what was wrong. He already knew why she looked as if she was going to strangle him. So he casually folded his arms.

"You rang?"

"Don't take that tone with me," she said sharply. "What did you do?"

Jonathan sighed and shrugged. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

His mother opened and snapped her jaw shut.  She glared at him and then marched over to the family computer, her fingers swiftly hitting Control -Alt- Delete, as she logged the computer. Then she shot straight up and pointed.

Jon leaned forward and squinted. Wow, he got that many hits? Awesome.

"You tried to sell your brother on the Craig's List."

She was livid and maybe it was his sense of teenage slackerhood but he didn't see the big deal. It wasn't like he was really going to sell Ben. Ben was fifteen, he wouldn't have gone willingly.

"That got more hits than on the one on eBay."

Her eyes widened. "Oh my god! Have you-are you- what?"

"Mom, it was a joke!"

"It is NOT funny."

Jon watched her turn a new shade of red. "I'm sorry. But it wasn't funny when Ben deshort-ed me in gym class. Or when he told Nina I was only interesting in taking her to the prom because of her breasts...which was true but there's a code-"

"A code?" his mother looked confused but he pushed on.

"A brotherly code. Bros before-" He paused. Could he say 'ho' in front of his mother? Best not try right now. "-you know what...nevermind, but Ben had it comin'."

"Jon, take these off now," she commanded.

He frowned. He hated when she got all authoritative. Dad would get the joke. Dad always gets the jokes. Mom would sometimes, but then it was days like this, when discipline was necessary. For a moment, he stared back, their eyes meeting, willing the other to back down. No matter how much he had grown past her, she was freaking good at this whole MOM SAID DO IT NOW thing.

He blinked first. "Fine."

As he slumped into the chair to delete the sites, she smiled triumphly at him. "Thank you. And we're having Dad's favorite tonight."

Jon nodded as he clicked the keys on the keyboard. "What's up? He get a promotion or something?"

He heard the cabinets being opened and closed behind him. His mother's voice rang out. "Dunder Mifflin Scranton was number one this quarter."

Jon nodded. "How'd he achieve that? Seeing that Mike never lets him work."

"It's Mr. Scott to you. Be respectful." She replied pulling out a casserole dish.

"He likes me to call him Mike. He's supposed to be like my godfather or something."

He could feel her roll her eyes. She was at the oven when she said, "Uncle Mark is your godfather. Mich-Mr. Scott is just dad's boss. We've had this conversation before."

Jon nodded absentmindedly. He'd delete the eBay page later. Now he was checking his MySpace. "Speaking of Benjamin, where is my little brother? Or as I like to call him, Item #4308."

He heard her slam the fridge at his remark. It made him strangle down a laugh. "Dad's picking him up from practice. And then we're going to sit down and have dinner. Like normal people."

"Sure mom," Jon snorted as he logged into his email. Wow, five email offers for Ben. The world was full of crazy people. "Keep living the American Dream."

"All we need is a dog,"she replied and he heard her mixing something.

"We have Fluffy," he grimaced.

"So yeah, 2 kids, one dog. See?"

"Mom, Fluffy is a hamster."

"Close enough. Did you delete those pages?"

Jon didn't reply. He couldn't lie to her.

"Jonathan-"

"Okay! No need to keep shouting out my government name. Jeez."

"I swear Jon, you get that from your father, this sense of humor. But when you go to college this summer, you can't just joke your way through classes."

"Worked for dad. He has a job, hot wife, pair of strapping young boys."

His mom chuckled. "Yeah but that was luck."

Jon clicked the mouse and logged off the computer. He then turned around and looked at his mother. Her tongue was between her teeth as she mixed the batter. That determined look on her face. She even took off her cardigan.

"So what's going with the soft shelled crab?" he asked walking over, yawning and stretching. He shut his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them, his mom was staring directly at him, with an odd look on her face.

"Mom? Why are you staring at me? Cause it's freaking me out when you do that."

She shrugged and looked back at the mix. "You and your father just look so much a like."

"Damn genetics."

"Jon-"

"Damn is not a cuss word. DJ told me so. It's in the Bible," Jon said, sitting on the bar stool and reaching for an apple.

"And you choose to heed Dwight Jr.'s advice and counsel?" His mother asked as she cracked open eggs for the casserole.

"He reads the Bible three times a day. He's like the vice president of the Bible study club at school."

"There's a Bible study club?"

"It's just DJ and his brother Kurt. Kurt bought the votes."

"But it's only two members-" Pam stopped and frowned. Then she realized how the Schrute household works. "Oh..."

As he went to say something else, the front door slammed and he heard clumping footsteps. He smiled and bit into his apple. He waited until the footsteps got closer.

"You sold me on eBay?!"

Jon looked at his mom who frowned back at him. Why was he always the bad guy? Every one in his gym class saw his boxer briefs and Nina still refused to take his phone calls. He chewed his apple thoughtfully as he watched Ben's face match the redness of his mom's earlier.

"What can I say? You are a hot item, Ben."

"Dude, not cool." Ben ranted as he stomped to the fridge, swinging the door open violently.

"Neither was pulling down my shorts in gym class!"

His tall lanky father came into view, jingling his keys. "Jon, did you delete the pages?" He walked over to his wife and kissed her cheek and she smiled happily before going back to her earlier scowl directed at Jon.

Jon bit the apple again. "Yes, sir."

"Here's the thing, that was dangerous," His father said sternly. Behind him, Ben pointed and laughed, silently taunting him.

Jon fought the urge to put the page back up. "It wasn't like I was going to ship him for real!"

"Human trafficking is not a joke," his mother said and his father shot her a look as if he wanted to laugh at her statement, but instead cleared his throat.

"Jon. You're seventeen. You're the older brother. You have to be an example. It wouldn't be funny if Ben did that to you. He could have been sold to someone in a third world country!"

"I said I didn't accept foreign currency," he muttered.

"That is not the point and you know it," As he listened to his father lecture, he made a cutthroat gesture as Ben stuck out his tongue and walked out the kitchen to go to his room.

"Stop!" his father pointed and wagged his finger. Jon looked at him crosseyed. That dastardly Ben got away with it again. As Jon gets reamed out, he makes faces and no one sees. He will pay. "Don't do that! Do NOT gesture threats to decapitate your brother. You have to be his big brother, his protector."

Jon slammed the apple down. "No one ever asked me if I wanted a brother. No one consulted me first! He just showed up. It's too much pressure!"

He looked as serious as he could before bursting out laughing.

"Jim," his mother sighed heavily as his father burst out laughing as well. They could never be serious.

"Pam, I'm sorry but the kid is just...awesome. eBay, really." He nodded his head approvingly and Jon grinned smugly. But an eye glare from his mother made his father drop the smile and dart his eyes nervously around the room.

"Jim-!"

"I'm just saying, it takes alot to plan something like that. It's a good prank."

"He tried to sell our second born child," his mom said through clenched teeth.

"Okay so that wasn't good. But still...okay okay," His father waved his hands in surrender.  "It was wrong Jonathan, very very wrong."

"It's dangerous," Pam stated angrily. "All the perverts out there."

"Mom, I took it right off, I swear."

"It's cool. Just don't do it again. Okay?" He knew his dad was serious, but he wasn't going to make a big deal about it. But just for kicks, Jon had to be a bit funny.

"What? I offered free shipping."

"Jon-"

He shrugged. "Alright! Look, I admit I was wrong. DJ did it to Kurt and no one took the bait. How was I supposed to know Ben would sell like hotcakes.""

He watched his father shake his head. "Do his parents know this?"

"I don't know," Jon shrugged. "He also said he came with a potato gun as extra incentive but no one bid on him."

His mother frowned. "I have to warn Angela. You boys have to stop this."

"Great, now's he going to be forced to stew beets as punishment." Jon said pitifully.

"Wow, I still can't get over Dwight's kid being your best friend."

"Dad, it's been since middle school. And it doesn't make it easier for me when I go to his house and his dad has to run a security wand over me because he thinks YOU planted a bomb on me. Then his mom always threatens to cut my hair."

"Good ole Dwight. I made him think his cell phone was a transmitter to Narnia the other day. Good times."

Jon had to chuckle. Even still his dad was a prankster. "Hey dad, want to hear my new chick magnet song on the stings?"

"Oh you mean on the guitar I got you four years ago that you just STARTED playing," his father smiled and reached in the fridge to get a juice. "What is it? Mary had a little lamb? Because that always worked for me with the ladies."

"Cooler. Miss Mary Mack."

He watched his dad look over at his mom, a silent conversation passing between them. They did that alot, and sometimes he wondered what they were talking about. Sometimes, depending on the twinkle in his dad's eye, he really didn't want to know. His mom smiled warmly at older lanky man and nodded. "Go ahead, dinner will be ready in like twenty minutes. Tell Ben to wash his hands."

"BEN! Mom said take a shower you dirty beast!"

"Jim!" his mom hissed.

Jon laughed at his father's antics and that caused another death stare from his mother.

"Both of you drive me nuts."

Jon shrugged as his father shook his head and walked backward out the kitchen. "Going upstairs. Bellow for me when the soft shelled crab is done."

"Got held up," Ben said, shrugging off his bookbag into the bleachers. His best friend Kasey dribbled the ball as they walked to stand in line.

Good, practice hadn't started yet.

"Sure you did. Evidence of the giant hickey on your neck suggests either you were making it with someone or got attacked by a vampire."

Crap. Mom will see that. She notices everything. I'm so dead, Ben thought.

"It's a cruel world out there. Maybe I'm the next slayer," he replied, slapping Kasey's hand from his collar.

"Who is she? Is it Kim McClure?"

"Ack, god no. I have standards." Truth be told, he never kissed any girl before today.

Unlike his stupid brother, who probably had half of the female population at Scranton High drooling over him, Ben was considered the dorkier of the two. He was tall, but not freakishly Gandolf tall, like his brother, and his dad forgot to give him the gene of the flippy dark tendrils girls normally want to run their fingers through.

It led to Ben wishing Jon would contract lice and be forced to shave off his precious hair, but knowing Jon's luck, bald would be the new style girls love and he would still be the biggest stud in Scranton High. Life sucks.

Of course, Ben was stuck with his mom's reddish brown hair with a slight curl to it and he had grown up knowing not to try to tame it anymore. He had just gotten his braces off two years ago but was still forced to wear a retainer during practice. Sure, he was a real stud. He hadn't even had a girlfriend yet, and suddenly this brunette goddess came sauntering down the hall way and asking him did he have a cigarette.

Not that he liked girls that smoked, mind you, but she was hot. She looked like one of the girls Jon would flirt with but never give the time of day. But Jon was an idiot. She muttered something about how she was forced to come here by her stupid overbearing stepfather and how she was going to run away. It was something like out of those chic flicks he sometimes watched on TNT with his mom and dad. Girl from the wrong side of the tracks takes interest in the square kid. And being awe struck that she was even speaking to him forced Ben to just sit and listen, nodding in the appropriate places. He had no idea what she was complaining about. He was just shocked a live girl was actually even trying to talk to him.

So when she reached out and held his hand, he flinched on contact. Then he begged for lightening to strike him down to spare him of the embarrassment. He never caught her name, even after she had shoved him surprisingly into the lockers and kissed him hard. He thought she bit his lip and he didn't like that. Pain wasn't cool. But then she traveled down to his neck and he had to kind of slide away because he was really wondering if she had some Hannibal Lector like tendencies. She just shrugged off his hesitancy, muttering about finding a cigarette, and said she would see him around maybe.

"Oh I know, Stacey Kapoor-Bernard," Kasey yelped.

"She won't stop flapping her gums long enough to make out with her. Or at least I heard." Ben replied.

"She's hot though."

"Yeah."

"Seriously," they both stated, with a far away look in their eyes over Junior Class Princess Stacey Kapoor-Bernard.

"So...who?"

"Shhhh-" a chastising hiss came from down the line.

Kasey leaned down and looked at the source. "Blow me, Miller. So anyway, you gonna tell me who this mystery chic is?"

"No! I mean I don't even know her name."

"Wow, phantom kisser... who does she hang with?"

"She doesn't have friends. She's new."

Kasey's face contorted in a mask of confusing before his brain finally connected the dots. "You frenched the new girl!"

"Shhhhh!" Another scathing hiss from down the line. Ben groaned. Poor Kasey lived vicariously through him. Which was kind of sad seeing as Ben had no social life either.

"Miller, dude, seriously, your mom." Kasey replied back down the line. "But for real Ben, she's looks like one step away from juvey."

"Can you shutup about this now? Before the coach hears us," Ben pleaded.

He watched his friend make a stance as if to throw a jumper. "Who? Temp Coach Red Blotch? I could care less."

"Well I care. I want to play."

The new temporary coach looked at the clipboard again, his eyes studying the names on it. It was the worst week for Coach Mathias to get hernia surgery. He watched as the Coach muttered and called down the list.

"Dennison, Earlmann, Estes, Faison, Franklin...."

"Dude, check out his face, it gets red with each name he calls."

"Maybe he has a skin condition?" Ben replied, rubbing his own neck where the hickey was. Maybe he could wear a turtleneck home? No, Jon will notice and call him on it.

"Halpert?" The coach's voice rang out particularly loud with his name, and Ben snapped forward. He noted this was the first time he heard his name said with a bit of surprise and bitterness.

Ben cleared his throat. "Sir?"

"Oh shit, dude, you're gonna get it," Kasey mumbled. "Look he's getting blotchier as we speak."

"Shutup..." Ben retorted, his heart beating. He had shown up sort-of-kind-of on time today, he had made sure to get A's on all his tests this week, so why was this guy pointing him out?

The coach looked up, his eyes wide as he scanned over the boy. Ben didn't know who this guy was, but he was staring at him in an uncomfortable way. Maybe he was some sort of pervert and Ben would have to quit or else because a victim like in those after-school specials where the coach takes a liking to his star player.

"Your dad, is his name-?"

"Jim Halpert, yes sir." Ben replied, his voice a little too squeaky, causing Kasey to snort beside him. Ben glared at his best friend and vowed silently to elbow him in the stomach during practice.

"Man, maybe your dad and him were lovers," Kasey muttered and two guys beside him laughed.

He would so elbow Kasey in the face, that much he was sure of. He didn't flinch but instead muttered back, "I'm going to kill you."

Kasey laughed and Ben kept his eyes forward to the coach who dropped the clipboard by his side.

"Well, I'll be..." the coach chuckled to himself."This is my lucky day."

"Do I know you from somewhere?" the boy wondered and stated out loud, wanting to kick himself for asking. Did Jon sell him on eBay again? What did his father have to do with this? Sure his father played basketball too, but seriously, that was like a hundred years ago, his dad was like in his forties now. His dad and Coach Mathias got along well, heck great, they played poker together when Dad had poker night.

Ben shifted his weight nervously and waited for the red necked man to speak, but instead the man glared at him as if the question wasn't simple.

Whatever this blotchy man had against his dad, Ben suddenly realized he would be getting the brunt of it today.

"Ah....Alright team," the coach said, never taking his piercing stare off of Ben. "Laps."

Groans came from everyone, but Ben, who clunched the ball. This guy was sadistic. They did their pre practice laps before they came in and he wanted more.

"Problem with it, fellas? Because if you don't like it, you don't play."

Ben bent down to tie his shoe when a shadow eclipsed him. He looked up slowly to see the coach.

"Halpert."

"Sir."

"What's that on your neck?"

Ben rubbed his bruise. "I fell."

"On some girl's lips I bet. You better leave those slutty girls alone."

The boy cleared his throat nervously. "She's not a slut."

"Sure she was. Only girls that leave marks are sluts. No discipline what so ever. Those are the fast girls with no home training. Trust me, I rode that kind of rollercoaster many times when I was your age."

"Uh...okay."

There was an awkward pause and Ben prayed for a tornado to sweep him away but the coach kept talking. "I know your folks. We worked together."

He stood slowly, the coach still towering over him a bit. "Oh ok. You worked at Dunder Mifflin?"

"Yes. I knew your mom too. But I knew her from before."

"Oh. Did you go to school with my mom?"

"You can say that. I, uh....dated your mom. Even asked her to marry me and everything-"

"What?"  Ben looked shocked for a moment. Mom never mentioned she was engaged before Dad. Hell they always acted like they were Romeo and Juliet since birth or something.

"Did she ever mention me? Roy Anderson?" The man looked at him with hopeful eyes, and it made Ben want to look away.

He didn't know what to say. "No."

"You look just like her," the coach said softly, looking down at his clipboard and then clearing his throat.

"Uh...Yeah, people say that I have her-"

"Eyes," the coach interrupted, his voice sad and thick.

This was becoming increasingly weird and uncomfortable for Ben so he gave a nervous chuckle. "I was going to say hair but yeah, her eyes too, I guess."

The coach stared at him and Ben got that weird "To Catch a Predator" vibe again and grabbed a ball that rolled to his foot."Should I go do laps?"

Ben watched the man stiffen and he glanced back at the clipboard. "So you play guard? You got skills like your dad? I used to call him Larry Bird. He thought he was sometimes too."

Ben nervously dribbled the ball. "I try. We play sometimes, he still wins."

"Ha...is that right? Well...if you let that old timer beat you, then you need practice."

Ben frowned. "He's pretty good. He was All State when he was in school and he played college ball."

Ben paused and looked Roy up and down, noting he had some weight in his midsection. And he wanted to take a cheap shot at his dad??? Was he kidding? "When's the last time you've played ball?"

"Wow. You got alot of mouth on you, lil Halpert. I guess you showed me, right?  So um, let see if the Halperts really do have basketball in their genes. Why don't you run six extra laps for me, and then start practicing three point jumps?"

Ben's jaw dropped. "Are you serious? I mean...We ran the extra laps before and now I have to-"

"Do you want to play?" The coach said with a sneer. "And didn't you just come in here late, Larry Bird Jr.?"

He was enjoying this and Ben could tell. He dribbled the ball a few times and glared back at the coach.

"Want to make it more laps? I got all day, Mr. Halpert."

"That's seriously unfair."

"Life is unfair. People are unfair. Ask your dad."

"Dude, whatever you have against my dad has nothing to do with me."

"First off, don't call me dude."

"Fine...man."

The coach chuckled bitterly at Ben's refusal to cooperate. One thing he was going to find out, Ben wasn't scared of anyone. He was always taught to have a backbone, to speak his mind, and he wouldn't let some hick, blotchy, bloated temporary coach make him miserable.

He contemplated his choices. He could do the laps, pass out from exhaustion, and have his father sue the coach. He could do the laps, play and give this man satisfaction from his tiny power trip. Or he could not do the laps and not play. It wasn't that basketball was all that much of a big deal, he liked to play because he got to practice with his dad sometimes. But seriously, he didn't have to deal with this. He would tell his mom and dad when he got home that his blotchy a-hole of a coach with a vendetta for them spanning back decades ago wanted him to run extra and it wasn't fair. He was sure his dad would be making a visit to the school shortly after. Or Jon would pour sugar in this guy's gas tank everyday to get the point across...you don't mess with the Halperts.

"Look son. This is my team right now. I'm not your old coach and we do things my way. Got it? You mouthing off to me isn't going to make things better."

"So you're basically ragging on me because you got a problem with my dad."

The coach stepped back and gave a sly smile. "I have no idea what you mean. I have no problem with you, other than you're doing what I say. Now, shouldn't you be running right about now?"

Ben narrowed his eyes at the man and glanced at his team mates. He saw Kasey staring over at them as he ran around the gym with the team.

"Did you hear me?" the coach asked sternly.

Ben dribbled the ball twice and tossed it at the net, sinking a shot. Then he turned defiantly, chin up (which made him look even more like his mom) and said, "Yeah I heard you."

With that, he walked angrily towards the bleachers, reached over  and grabbed his bookbag. Kasey stopped running abruptly.

"Dude-" he wheezed.

"Tell Coach Mathias I'll be back when he comes back. I'll see ya."

He walked towards the gym doors, and he heard the coach yell out. "You walk out, you don't come back Halpert!"

With that he exited the gym, his only regret was not giving the dude the finger as he walked out.  He noticed her as soon as he walked out, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette.

"Practice over already?"

"For me it is, that coach is an asshole."

She nodded, puffing out smoke. "Sure is. Coach Anderson. He sucks."

"You know him?"

"My stepdad."

"Whoa. Seriously?"

"Yeah."

Ben rubbed his neck and smiled. "Well I feel better now."

"Why?"

"No reason. Maybe I'll see you around?"

She smiled. "Maybe."

He watched as she walked away and then flipped open his cellphone. "Hey dad... I got some news....I sorta quit the team...no I'm not on drugs...Do you know a Roy Anderson?"

Jon could feel the bile build up in his throat. He gagged forward, forcing it down and gulping hard. He never knew he could be so disgusted by this. It should be a sin to be forced to hear how your parents hooked up, but the trouble with Ben's coach had brought questions and Ben had to just insist on asking.

"So wait, you like... totally moved in on Mom while she was dating Coach Red-blotch?" Ben chuckled, and Jon watched his mother's cheeks turn red and then she gave his father that look, like, do something.

Jim pursed his lips and shook his head. "Nope. No...that's...that's not what happened. It's complicated, Ben. What I am worried about is Roy doing that to you because he has some sort of issue with me. What happened with us has nothing to do with you and I don't expect you boys to understand because well, you're kids. "

'Well now... that's condescending," Jon muttered as he ran his hand through his dark hair and gave a smug grin.  "I'm seventeen. I'm almost legal. I'm adult, sorta."

His face was mirrored by his father's. "That might be true Jonathan, but as long as your Mother has to wash your clothes and get you up in the morning...you will still be a child to us."

"Wait, can we get back to the part where you stole another man's woman?" Ben interjected with enthusiasm, causing Pam to glare at him.

His mother was not happy with the conversation so far. Jon guessed it was because it was about her past, one she failed to mention on purpose for whatever reason. "That is not what happened! Your father was my best friend, we told you both that!"

"You left out the part where you were engaged," Ben replied back. "I'm just saying."

"Look boys, we know we're guilty of spinning this fairy tale love to you guys, maybe because we wanted to protect you. Or maybe because it sorta felt that way when we were finally together, but yes, the fact is your mother... was indeed engaged to Coach-"

"Red blotch."

"Stop calling him that!" Pam hissed and Ben shrunk back.

Jim sighed. "As blotchy as he may be, your mother is right. It's not nice. Your mom and I don't want our past to affect you playing ball or not. So I'm definitely going to talk to Roy- Coach Anderson."

"Maybe I should talk to him?" Pam replied and the boys watched as their father shook his head.

"Uh...no."

"This isn't a macho thing. These are my boys and Roy's also doing this to spite me."

"I don't want you to go."

"This isn't a pissing contest. I don't want you going in there and there's just a bunch of testosterone in the room. It won't solve anything."

Jon snorted. "You should have had girls. None of this would have been a problem."

As Pam and Jim sighed, Ben inserted himself in the conversation. "But seriously, you like banged his girlfriend! No wonder he hates me!"

At this, Jon gagged again, this time audibly and his father looked oddly at him. "He doesn't hate you Ben. Hey, Jon? Something wrong?"

"I don't want to hear the word 'Mom' and 'bang' in the same sentence. And do we have to have this conversation with DJ and Kurt here?" He waved off towards the kitchen where his two friends stood gaping at the family gathering in the breakfast nook.

Dwight Junior and Kurt waved shyly from breakfast bar as Jim and Pam turned around, obviously forgetting they were there.

Kurt cleared his throat. "Don't worry, this is way more juicy than how Mother tells it. In her version of your love story, there are consequences of STDs and damnation."

Ben cracked up laughing as Jim's eyes widened and he turned to back to the table. He looked squarely at Jon. "Um... I'm sorry, why...are they here?"

"Science project," Jon answered. Okay not true...they were going to hang out as soon as this stupid family meeting was over. If it was ever over.

Jim and Pam squinted their eyes at Jon. "You don't take science this semester."

"Extra credit..."

His father wasn't buying it. He sat back, and folded his long arms, looking intensely at Jon. A scare tactic no doubt.  "Do...I'm sorry, do you think we were born yesterday? I have a license...if you need to-"

"Are you on drugs?! Is that what this is about?" Pam asked worrily as Jim gave him another patented Halpert look.

Jon threw up his hands. "Oh my god! Deflection! Can we focus back on your past lives coming back to haunt us?!"

Ben had ignored most of the exchange, instead he chewed on his nail as if contemplating his next silly question, and then asked, "Did you guys fight over Mom?"

Jim looked over to Pam and she dropped her eyes down. He cleared his throat. "I mean, a punch might have been thrown...once. But it wasn't like a full on brawl or any-"

"Did you kick his ass?"

"Ben, language!" Pam exclaimed.

They were interrupted by someone clearing their throat. "If I may interject Mr. and Mrs. Halpert, my father has regalled me with the stories of the darker days of Dunder Mifflin. He did tell me he had to step in and save you when her burly beau came charging at you. If I recall he said he thought of using ninja stars to subdue him-"

"Kurt, do you need to call you mom for a ride home?" Jim asked quietly.

"No, thank you. We're having a blast here. And I'm DJ, not Kurt. It's okay though, being identical twins and all, I can understand your confusion." The teenager said happily.

Jon shook his head as Jim turned back slowly to him. "Look this is it fellas. Mom had a life before she met me. She met a guy in high school, fell in love, got engaged and started working at Dunder Mifflin. She met me, we became friends and after some years, we started liking each other. Mom realized she was making a mistake, Roy wasn't the guy for her and she married me. We had you two and now as punishment, we are forced to explain our love lives to you. Got it? Now, did you two do your homework?"

"Basically you're saying high school sweethearts are full of crap?" Jon replied. "And I should break up with Julie before she changes her mind about me."

"I'm not...saying that at all. I mean you're going to have relationships. Meet different people. Feelings change, people change," Jim explained.

"And your dad dumped his girlfriend in the middle of New York for me." Pam shrugged and Jim dropped his head into his hands.

"Whoa!" Ben exclaimed.

Jon pushed forward in the chair. "What?! When did you guys find time to sell paper between all this drama?"

Jim gave a sheepish smile. "We found bits of time between then to do our jobs, I guess."

"See Kurt, told ya if we stayed it'll get interesting." Dj replied and Kurt nodded in agreement.

"That's not... Pam, why would you-" Jim became flustered and Pam just looked at him.

"Because I'm not having my sons think I'm some sort of a hussy."

Kurt cleared his throat. "So, wait, you were wearing green when all this happened?"

DJ elbowed him. "We're supposed to not be seen or heard."

Jim gave a nervous laugh. "Okay I did but she was a rebound because I thought your mom didn't like me."

"PIMP!"

"Dad, you are like my hero."

The boys patted their father on the back and Pam stared in horror as Jim flashed her a smug smile. "Now wait, how come your dad having to choose is a good thing, but when I did, you guys were all freaked out?!"

Ben shrugged. "Because you're our mom."

"I don't...I," Pam stuttered shaking her head as Jim layed his hand on hers.

He watched as his mother blushed again and pulled at the sleeves of her sweater. "Look boys, it was never our intention to have what happened come back on you. Your dad and I loved each other, and we made alot of mistakes to get to each other, I don't regret any of them. Okay? And for your information Benjamin Halpert, your father did not...as you eloquently put it 'bang' me while I was with Roy."

"Can we not use the word 'bang' when referencing anything to do with Mom, please!" Jon croaked. " All I'm asking here folks."

Ben shrugged his shoulders. "I get it, so it was like a soap opera. You two were Young and the Restless, and when Mom finally saw the Guiding Light, Roy tied to put you in General Hospital, but you realized you only had One Life to Live, and then here we are, All My Children."

"Dude, that's kind of freaky you know the name of soap operas," Jon said, staring at him.

"I don't even know how we got off track from figuring out how we were going to handle the Basketball situation," Jim sighed, running his hands over his face.

"In soap operas, there are usually baby DNA switches, so Jon, you might very well be Coach Anderson's," Kurt said simply and DJ elbowed him again and hissed at him.

"Just be quiet already Kurt!"

Pam frowned and turned around glaring. "You boys need to phone your mother to pick you up."

"What was that Mom? Could he really be my dad?!" Jon exclaimed as Pam's mouth dropped open at the stupidity of it all. "I mean, you guys keep saying you were barely married and I came right away. So...are you serious?!"

Everyone began bickering at the table, Jon hyperventilating, Ben laughing aloud and Pam asking "Are you kidding me?"

Jim whistled and the whole table looked at him. "Whoa, no! Stop! Everyone. Stop. Ben, quiet, I see you thinking. Just...dont even...shut.it. We're going to breathe. Okay? No talking." Jim demanded and the whole table stared at him. "Okay. Everyone calm? Jon, I'm your father. Trust me. Okay, you're like six feet tall, an exact replica of me, no way Roy can duplicate that DNA. So stop freaking out. And going to the mall is not extra credit, so...after this, up to your room."

Jon went to protest but Jim cut him off. "Ben, tomorrow I will go down and talk to Roy. You just show up at practice."

"Can we hold off on that?"

His parents stared at him. "Why? You know you didn't do anything to deserve that, right? I'll go down there and have a talk with Roy and get it all straightened out."

Ben shrugged. " I know. I just want to... think about it. I mean, it's no big deal if I don't play ball? Right?"

Jim looked at Pam and she looked back at him. "Uh, no...of course not. If that's what you want."

"I dunno. Maybe. Let me think about it."

"Okay," Jim nodded hesitantly. "But I still want to talk to Roy about this.  So...what else? Uh yeah...Kurt and DJ... go home. Now. Pam, you should go run a nice bath, and just relax, okay? I'll pick up some KFC and pray you won't snap before I get back. Okay? Everyone got it?"

Everyone nodded quietly as Jim stood up. "Any questions? Concerns? Thoughts?"

The boys hestitantly raised their hands. The conflicting tastes for extra crispy and Buffalo wings begin to stir on their lips.

Jim shook his head. He would have none of it. "No. No more. Keep them to yourselves. We're getting a simple ten piece meal and calling it a day!"

Collective groans could be heard as he walked towards the door.
 

Bring Your daughter sons   KIDS to Work Day

First off, the banner was crooked. Secondly, the way everyone turned and stared at you as you entered the office made you want to go back screaming to the parking lot.

Jim led the way in, with a grumbling Jon and Ben shuffling behind him. It made it worse that of all days, school was out on a teacher's planning day and Mom volunteered for the boys to go in with him. Pam had to go to an art gallery today anyway and she had just straightened the house and didn't want the boys there with nothing productive to do all day. Even if thats ALL they wanted to do. They made it evident they had no desire to come along, even to the extent of Jon offering to buy his way out of going.

Jim hung his coat on the coat rack and greeted the receptionist.

"Hey Nina."

"Hey Jim. Wow, your boys have grown since the last time I've seen them. Jon's as tall as you."

Jim turned to look at Jon but he was still by the door, text messaging HELP messages to his friends. DJ texted him back.

Can't. I'm in the elevator on my way up. I gotta go to accounting with mom. =-(

Ben slumped himself on the couch near the door, thumbing at his iPod. All he wanted to do was sleep in, maybe eat a huge bowl of cereal and play Playstation 6.

Jim frowned. "Um... hey guys. MY desk is over here."

Neither son responded. Jim cleared his throat roughly and Jon flipped his phone down and knocked his knee into Ben to get his attention. Wordlessly, they both followed Jim over to his desk and sat in the extra chairs provided.

"Why are we here? It wasn't even fun when we were ten."

"Ben, you of all people need to learn some work ethic. Michael's gonna order pizza, and there might be a puppet show. And my god, Jon...who are you text messaging? That's all you've been doing since you woke up."

Jon narrowed his eyes. "It's the only thing keeping me awake at seven o'clock in the morning on a non-school day."

"Put it away. DJ just walked in. I don't want you two planning an escape."

"Which is funny because this place is exactly how I would picture prison," Jon mumbled bitterly.

Jim flipped on his computer as Dwight, Angela, DJ, and Kurt walked in. Dwight put his coat on the coat rack and then turned to his sons.  Angela quirked an eyebrow as DJ rolled his eyes.

"MOVE IT!!! MOVE IT!! MOVE IT!!!" He yelled at the boys as they followed the same procedure, causing the coat rack to buckle under the weight of their heavy coats. It fell and hit Kurt in the head and he cried out. Angela went to check him but Dwight shook his head.

"Shake it off, boy." Dwight said sternly, walking swiftly to his desk. DJ sighed and Kurt rubbed his sore head as they followed their father.

Jim and his boys watched the scene. "Morning, Dwight."

"Hello Jim. I see you have brought your juvenile deliquents."

Jim smirked and looked back at Jon and Ben, both who were involved in text messaging or iPod usage. "Yep, it's all part of their probation."

Just then Michael came in, his adopted pre-teen daughter running in before him.

"Jessica, wait!"

"I want to use your computer!"

"Don't! Wait, Daddy's...having a spasm of some sort." Michael wheezed, obviously from running. He nearly collapsed on the floor near the reception area.

Jim shook his head. "Morning Michael."

Michael heaved again. "Argh, I...Morn...hi."

Dwight peered over his screen. "Hello, Michael."

He gave a non committal wave and leaned wearily against the receptionist desk.

"Did you run all the way up here?" Nina asked concerned. Michael wasn't a spring chick anymore and he and Jan had adopted Jessica after he was already past 50.

Michael nodded. "She's like on speed or something. Ever since we brought her home, it seems like she's been hopped up on pills or sugar. Did you know... she gets up before the alarm clock? Like when it's still dark? Isn't that scary?"

Dwight chimed in. "No. DJ and Kurt get up well before the rooster crows. There's work to be done. Schrutes have biological clocks that way."

The boys moaned loudly at their father's boasting.

Jim frowned. "Wait...everyone has a biological clock."

"Not as superior as ours. We can sense sun rise and sun set."

Jim looked at him smugly. "Even when there's an eclipse?"

Dwight nodded. "Yes. Especially when there's one."

"Solar or Lunar?"

"Both."

"What if you were on a planet with two suns?" Jim asked, folding his arms, smugly. Ben chuckled and Jon rolled his eyes, and text messaged his girlfriend of the week.

Dwight paused and looked back at DJ. He shrugged at his father who sighed at his uselessness. "Depends on the planet."

Before Dwight could answer,  Jessica came bounding out the door of Michael's office. "I broke something."

"What?!"

"I dunno. It was on the desk."

Michael stood straight, panicking. "There's alot of things on my desk. What was it?!"

"I dunno. It seemed important though," she said hopping towards the breakroom. She turned around whistfully. "There was smoke coming out of it."

Michael scrambled towards his office as Jim clicked on his computer.

The boys barely said anything unless Jim directed questions towards them. Most of the day they gave half grunts and groans depending on Jim's questions.  They only came alive when Stacey Kapoor-Bernard came sauntering in, yapping at a mile a minute about traveling to Milan as soon as she saved up for it, either that or an awesome prom dress. She then asked Jon did he want to take her out, but before he could reply she went yapping about how many beautiful babies they would have. Andy caught whiff of it and banished her back to the annex before warning Jim about his son's "intention for his daughter".

He realized they were a bit too old and independent, and he missed when they were younger and more eager to hang out with their dear old dad.

He was still a pretty cool dad, still kind of young and fun, being only 48 with two teenaged boys. He tried to keep an easy going relationship with them, so they knew dad was always available if they needed him to be. But at this age, all they wanted to do was be left alone, in an age where most teenagers would stomp towards their room where they would shut the door and blast all kinds of ungodly music only to reappear again when it was dinner time.

But Jim enjoyed his relationship with his boys. They were too much like him not to. He turned towards Ben and yanked the plugs out of his ears and then grabbed the phone away from Jon.

"HEY!"

"I was in the middle of texting Lisa!"

"That can wait."

"Um... no it can not."

"You guys are killing me here. Is it really that bad to hang out with your dad?"

The boys reluctantly shook their heads.

Jim gave a smile. "Okay, guys. Listen, I kinda wanted you two here so we can do some sort bonding. I know it's lame, but you have to work with me here. I mean, the older you get the less time I really have to spend with you. Plus it wasn't my idea. Corporate's coming and they wanted to make sure we're participating in special days like this."

"You want us to bond over selling paper?" Jon asked. "How is that not lame?"

"It's not that bad. I mean, it's actually kind of easy."

"Who even uses paper anymore? Honestly? Unless your computer's broke and you need to write something."

"You will need to write something someday. Like a girl's phone number."

"If she's not pretty enough to be in my top five, then I'm not going to use dead trees to get her number," Jon repled simply.

"I'll never use paper. Ever," Ben said.

Jim sat back and smiled. "How can you even expect to achieve that?"

"Technology," Ben replied.

"What if you were on an island and you had nothing but paper? What would you do then?"

"Text for help."

"No cell phone reception."

"Is my blackberry still working?"

Jim shook his head. "Paper's been here for hundreds of years. I mean, we still wouldn't be in business if people didn't need paper. Books are made a paper. You guys read books, don't you?"

"Not unless we're forced to," Jon replied quickly.

Ben sat up. He felt playful, seeing that his father was really trying to spend quality time with them. "So you kill trees and profit off of their deaths?"

Jim's jaw dropped open as he went to respond but Dwight peaked from around his computer. "That is ridiculous. And it's a shame you let your second born son speak of our enterprise that way."

"It's just paper, Dwight," Jim sighed.

"And that is why your sons do not respect what you do. Because you do not force them to," Dwight said curtly. He then looked at Ben. "Trees are plants. Plants are useless unless we use them for food, medicine, or wood."

"You forgot paper, Dad. Since that is what you're defending, just...thought I'd mention it," Kurt replied behind him.

Dwight glared and cut his eyes at Kurt. "Go sit with your mother."

Kurt frowned and got up and walked towards Angela.

"Plants are alive," Jon replied, falling into his brother's mode. Jim didn't say anything. He knew his boys would drive this one home. "They need water and light to survive. They die too. So technically, Dunder Mifflin is a murderer."

"They are but they are an inferior kingdom. Humans have dominion over all the plants and animals. Therefore we will use trees for wood, paper, and other raw material if need be. And Dunder Mifflin is the fourth largest producer of paper products. So if we're such murderers, what other murderers can boast about that?"

"The top three companies ABOVE Dunder Mifflin. Wow, you guys aren't even good at murdering for profit. You only rank at number four. You guys suck either way..." Jon sighed.

He watched Dwight tense up and DJ dissolved into laughs behind him. Dwight turned around hissed. "This is a serious accusation again the bread and butter of our household boy, it is NOT funny. Go sit with your mother too."

He turned around, and DJ took the time to mock what he just said behind his back before leaving. 

"And you Jim. I am surprised you can sit there and let your children say such things about the company you represent."

Jim shrugged. "But we do kill trees."

"We kill them to make the world better."

"But we still kill them."

"But for the good of the world. We're doing it for the right reasons," Dwight said sincerely.

"You mean like vigilantes. You break the law to do the right thing," Ben replied and Jon inhaled to stop from laughing.

"I guess that's true. We're vigilantes of paper."

"Yes we are Dwight, yes we are." Jim replied and he heard the chorus of laughs behind him.

It was a rather lazy Saturday at the Halpert house. The parentals had gone to the grocery store, and the boys were still slumped in their beds. Ben woke up finally, the distant memory of his mom coming into his room, demanding he join the living, came back to him suddenly. He felt a large yawn escape his lips as he stretched, rolled over, and winced at the blinding light. His mom had opened the blinds. Ironic, since she was trying to make him blind. The alarm clock read 11:00 AM.

He yanked his covers off and slid sloppily out of the bed to walk towards the bathroom. Maybe he'd shower. Possibly brush his teeth. Possibly. He wasn't sure, no decisions on hygiene would be made right away. It was Saturday.

He opened his room door and stumbled still half sleep down the hall. A quick turn and he found the bathroom. Honestly, he went back to sleep for a few minutes somewhere in there, as he stood there relieving himself, only jerking awake as his head tilted back.

Too.damn.early. It should be illegal to get up before noon.

He decided Fruit Loops taste better after you brush your teeth. So he did, and then stomped down the stairs for breakfast.

Jon was sitting at the counter, eating from a large mixing bowl. One of mom's cake bowls.

"Morning."

"Umph," Ben replied.

Jon studied his brother as he slowly moved around the kitchen, opening the cupboards to get a huge bowl, a spoon, and then over to the fridge to get some milk.

He said nothing as Ben sat next to him, reaching for the box of Fruit Loops. He took another bite of his own cereal and didn't seem to notice Ben slamming down the box.

"It's empty."

"How observant of you."

Ben glowered. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured you were a smart boy, you could figure it out for yourself."

"I hate you."

"I know," Jon shrugged as Ben jumped angrily out of his seat and back to the fridge to scrounge for breakfast.

After another hearty spoonful of the coveted cereal, Jon looked up to see Ben making Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. He made three, and then shoved one promptly in his mouth.

"You're becoming quite a chumbster there, Benny."

Ben stopped chewing and swallowed the lump of food down his throat. "What?"

"Since you aren't practicing anymore and you eat like a Sumo Wrestler... you're gaining weight. But hey, who am I to judge? Girls like you for your personality."

Ben chugged down a glass of milk and frowned. "I am not fat."

"I didn't say you were fat, I said you were chubby."

"That's what you call fat people and yeah...Your mom," Ben replied.

Jon blinked. "Wait, so you're my brother...so she's like your mom too."

"I didn't mean-"

"Sure you didn't. You meant to say my mom, who had me and then had you a few years later, and incidently is your mom too."

"Whatever... Just...shut it...This started with you declaring me fat."

Jon sighed. "Nevermind, forget I said anything. Eat your half of loaf of sandwiches."

Ben looked down at his stomach, and didn't like what he saw. He noticed he was getting a bit of a gut, which was totally weird since he had only quit the team a few weeks ago. He rather enjoyed sitting around the house in the afternoons instead of being under the evil vengeful eye of Coach "Redblotch" Anderson. Sure he might have a soda or two or five as he laid around playing video games and devouring enough Doritos to feed a small third world country. He was free to be lazy, no more practice, no more ball. He could lounge all he wants. Dad had repeatedly tried to see if he needed to go talk to the Coach, but Ben kept insisting he just needed time.

And by time he meant, he wasn't sure he was ready to give up doing nothing. Nothing was a fun thing to do. Most of his high school years have been wrapped up in practices. But now he could see the consequences of being a couch potato. Now he was able to just chill-lax instead of any physical work.

And now he was staring down at the consequences.

"Hey man, don't worry about it. Beer guts or any type of guts...are sexy. Poke it out , be proud." Jon replied taking his empty bowl to the sink.

Ben shook his head. "That's what she said! Okay though, seriously, Ugh...I don't want to be fat."

"So why don't you go back to playing ball before you have to go on Maury to get him to cut you out of the house should you get like...400lbs."

"Shutup Jon."

Jon nodded. "Fine I will. Skinny jeans will be out soon anyway. But look, I want to play ball later, you should come out and join me. I know it requires walking... but trust me when I say, walking is okay. Everyone does it."

Ben. "I don't want to play ball ever again."

Jon crossed his arms. "And why not? Because of some asshole Coach?"

"No because...I don't know. I just don't care anymore," Ben replied looking down.

"You talk to Dad about this?"

Ben shook his head and kept staring at the floor. "No. I know he wouldn't freak or anything, but I'm guessing he liked having a son who wants to play basketball with him. You were such a disappointment probably...playing football and all."

Jon snorted and Ben continued. "I don't know. I just feel like I needed a break and they might not understand that."

"You know that's not how Mom or Dad work..."

Ben shook his head. "Maybe not. But I feel like I would disappoint him."

Jon looked intensely at his brother for a moment. "You saying that supports my theory you were adopted. If you knew anything about Dad, you'd know he would never think that way."

"I dunno. He comes to all my games and we practice outside sometimes. I'm just worried."

"Maybe you gained fat in your head too, because you say some really off the wall things, like Dad would be disappointed in you. he comes to the games to support you. He'd do the same if you were in some sort of wimpy sport like Tennis or Lacrosse. Dad would never do that. He'd support your decision. "

At that moment, Jim walked in carrying two handfuls of grocery bags. He looked oddly at the boys, obviously coming in at the end of the convo." What would Dad support?"

"Ben's Crystal meth lab. He's building one in his room and he needs the funding." Jon replied.

Jim looked at Ben. "You want me as a silent partner?"

"Dad..." Ben said sighing but Jon interrupted him.

"And he's thinking about changing his name to Beverly," Jon stated as Ben elbowed him.

Jim nodded and placed the bags down. He looked between the boys and noted Ben's demeanor. "Interesting. Jon, want to go help Mom with the bags?"

"I really don't have a choice, do I?"

"Sure you don't," Jim shook his head and Jon eased past him. He turned back to Ben. "What's going on?"

Ben looked at him. "I-I... I wanted to tell you--"

"Jim I forgot the garbage bags." Pam replied as she walked into the kitchen holding bags.

"We got garbage bags. Right after we got the Glade PlugIns."

Pam looked confused. "I was sure it was after the Glades but before the butter. Maybe they mixed it up."

"Maybe," Jim agreed and watched her exit back out towards the car. He waited a pause and then looked at Ben. "Ben you know you can talk to me, right? About anything?"

"Yeah."

"Then talk."

"Nothing to talk about," Ben lied. "Oh I got one. Where do babies come from?"

Jim contemplated for a moment. "Beet Farms. Now what's the real question?"

Ben bit his lip and was honestly going to talk to his dad, but then Jon came in. "Mom forgot garbage bags."

"I know, I covered that with her."

"And she forgot to tell me she already told you. She seems to be forgetting alot of things." Jon replied, mosing on back to the car. "Wonder if she knows who we are...well... who Ben is."

Ben shook his head and focused back on his conversation with his dad. "I just feel like, maybe I shouldn't play basketball, I'm no where are good as you. I'm just...not into it anymore. Then the coach hates me. I made out with his daughter, or stepdaughter or something."

Jim stopped putting the groceries away. "You did what?"

"I kissed his daughter. I didn't know it was her. She's new and I barely knew her name."

Jim gave a sigh. "Wow. Let's...not tell him about that, okay? And secondly, me being disappointed in you, not true. Never true. You're better than I was when I was your age, you have a real talent, but if it's not you Ben...then..."

Ben groaned. "That was a hundred years ago when you played! I'm talking about NOW. I'm just disillusioned with the whole thing."

He watched his father get confused. "Im only 48.  And disillusioned? I've never heard you use that word before. In anything."

"It's something I picked up from a book I read, or something."

"It wasn't Harry Potter was it?"

"God, no. What do I do Dad?"

"It's up to you. I mean, don't quit because you aren't hitting every three pointer. Sometimes you have to hang in there and it'll work itself out. But if it's something else, and it's not what you want..."

"Maybe. I have a hard time making choices."

"You get that from your mom. She only wised up when she married me. Look, if you're sure you don't want to to do it, I'll back you."

"Okay-" Ben stared only to be interrupted by Jon and Mom.

"We found the garbage bags," Jon muttered.

"Under the seat," His mom replied.

"And we avoid an emergency! Whew, good thing we found them. The ungodly things we would have to do with the garbage," Jim spoke in overexaggeration. He looked back at Ben. "Just...think on it. If it's what you definitely want to do, I get it but I want you to know we'll help you as much as we can."

Ben nodded.

"Wait, what are you guys talking about? What's wrong with Ben?" Pam asked as she turned to look at her son.

"Nothing, just...I think I'm gonna take a break from sports. Plus, I'm getting fat."

Jim and Pam looked at him and then at each other. "You're no such thing. Who told you that?"

They all looked over at Jon who shrugged. "I just said he might want to invest in sweatpants. I never said he was outright fat."

Ben sighed. "I'm Jabba the Hut fat. I look like I'm pregnant. I've developed a beer gut and I haven't even gotten to drink any beer."

"And you won't until you're 21 and over," Pam said sternly.

Jim patted Ben on his back. "No... you just.... you just need to lay off the sodas and chips after school."

Pam smiled and held up a bag of her lunch mini carrots. "Eat carrots instead. They're orange like Doritos!"

Ben stared at her. "If only I got to be tall and lanky like Dad and Jon. But no... I get to look like Uncle Paul before he lost his hair."

Pam frowned. "Your Uncle Paul gives you thirty dollars every Christmas. Be nice."

Jon shook his head. "Then he jipped us, last year we got only twenty five dollars."

"I'm sorry my family is short," Pam replied sadly. "We come from a long background of height challenged persons."

"It's totally Hobbit like honestly, Mom." Ben sighed.

"Don't tease your mom's inability to ride adult rides. It's not nice." Jim chuckled as Pam smacked his arm.

They then kissed each other and the boys groaned in disgust. Jim quirked an eyebrow. "How do you think you got here? With a couple of these..."

He kissed Pam again and Jon made a gagging noise. They laughed.

Jim leaned against the counter and looked at his boys. "I tell you what. How about we go play ball later? All four of us? Halpert Family day? Wow...that sounds cheesy, but really let's do it. Mom can show you how the NBA All Stars learned all her moves."

Ben nodded and pushed himself off the counter. "Yeah, okay. I'm going back to bed. I can't be up this early in the morning."

Pam frowned. "You're what? It's almost noon."

"Almost doesn't count," Ben shrugged and made his way upstairs. He'd think on it like Dad said. Part of him missed basketball, his friends after school, his relationship with his Dad, and most importantly...the chicks will dig it.

He was used to those looks from her. She was quite aware her class didn't interest him at all. And it wasn't the text, it was her. She would constantly chastise him for making faces when she would read passages from the most dull of literature selections. Jon wasn't some dumb jock or class clown (though his funny mocking faces got a lot of laughs). Oh no, if anything, he read more than the average teenager. He actually enjoyed reading; his parents had imposed a love of books on him as a child. His father would take them to the library often. His father wasn't the Tolstoy reading type; he more enjoyed sports biographies and such. His mother would read anything she could get her hands on, and Ben inherited that from her.

Speaking of his mother, he looked up to see a flash of a gray cardigan and curly brown hair bounce past his classroom door. He jumped up suddenly, the class staring at him.

Jon cleared his throat and looked sheepishly at the teacher. "Um, I...I have to pee."

Mrs. Evans frowned as the class laughed. "Of course you do. Instead of you announcing your bathroom breaks, Mr. Halpert, just come up and discreetly get the hall pass from now on."

He nodded as he marched up front, yanking up the pass and skidding into the hall way. His mom hadn't moved far, so his long legs were a blessing as he ran up beside her.

"Mom?"

She turned suddenly, shock in her voice. "Jon?! What are you doing here?"

"Um...I kind of go to school here." He said more as a question, his eyebrow arched as he watched her nervously pull at her sweater sleeves. She looked a bit flushed and Jon knew immediately she wasn't sure she should be here either.

"Oh, I know that. I just meant..." She looked away quickly. He looked so much like Jim, and he figured she felt as if she was explaining something to his father, something she knew she should not be doing. She shook it off.  "Wait, why aren't you in class?"

Deflection. A tactic his parents often use. Jon ran a hand through his dark hair. "I saw you and I- hey, why are you here? Did something happen?"

She shook her head and adjusted her purse strap. "I'm here to see Roy-Coach Anderson about Ben."

Jon nodded slowly. He knew his mother. She wasn't very big on confrontation, so he knew this encounter was somewhat nerve racking to her. That, and the fact she probably did it on impulse, hence her edginess. "Does...Dad know you're here?"

His mother's cheeks flushed a bit more, but she countered that with a stiff chin up and steady eyes. "Should he?"

"Mom...it's just that...Dad's planning to come talk to this guy. It's some sort of macho thing. It's obvious there's some bad blood because of you and-"

"Even more reason for me to step in. Ben doesn't deserve this because of me. And I'm not going to sit by and let your father be involved in Roy's pissing contest. And again...why aren't you in class?"

Pam adjusted her pocketbook, silently chastising herself for snapping at Jon.  "I'm sorry ‘bout that... I'm just...I don't need your Dad to always handle things."

Jon nodded quietly as his mom reached up and ruffled his hair. She said his hair reminded her of his dad's. "So you think you'll get in trouble if you bathroom break includes you showing your mom where the gym is?"

Jon shook his head and they began moving towards the gym. Part of him didn't care if he got in trouble; he didn't want to leave his mom alone with this guy. They walked down the hall in silence, past the lockers before she spoke again. "So, did you vote for this guy Randy Stevenson? He has a lot of homecoming posters up. It's actually a ridiculous amount of glitter glue he used."

"He probably snorts the stuff too. And no, I didn't vote. I'm not into that kind of thing."

"Oh, I forgot, you're rebelling against the ‘man'..."

He smiled at her. His mom could be just as much of a corn ball as his dad. And also horrible at trying to not talk about why she really decided to come today. "If I ran, it would be a dictatorship. I would be the last voted homecoming king under military rule."

"You would rule the homecoming game with an iron fist?"

"There would be no mercy, Mom. I would get DJ to be my enforcer, he would enlist Kurt and his spud gun. It wouldn't be pretty."

"You'd make a good homecoming king."

"Not my bag, mom. I'm a no frills kind of guy. I'm not into combing my hair unless absolutely necessary. Like for weddings...or funerals."

They approached the door to the gym and Jon paused, his hand gripping the door handle. He looked at her, her face morose. He could tell she dreaded this, but she wanted to do this for Ben and to keep their Dad from getting back into it with this idiot.  "What are you going to say to this guy?"

She breathed in and focused ahead. "Simple, this has nothing to do with Ben. Whatever happened in the past should stay there."

Jon nodded. "What did he do, Mom? Was he bad to you? I can see it on your face."

She gave him a small smile over his concern. "He was my first love, but I'm glad he wasn't my last. I hurt him, I really did, but I won't let you guys deal with his bullshit... Sorry for cursing."

With that, she walked in, and the sounds of basketballs pounding the gym floor hit Jon's ears. He watched his mother approach the Coach. The man looked genuinely surprised to see her, his hands dropped by his side, and his mouth slacked as Pam hesitantly walked forward. They spoke, but Jon couldn't hear, he just saw the coach nodding and then his mother followed him to the offices. Jon looked back down the hall towards his class, and snorted. Mrs. Evans would just have to give him detention. 

He pushed the door forward and walked slowly behind them. The bell was ringing and class was over now. He watched as they turned a corner into the locker corridor and he stealthily followed. Coach had left his door open, and Jon took a deep breath, stepping close to the door frame, cautious not to be seen.

"Damn, Pam. You...you look good."

"Thanks...Roy listen..."

"It's really good to see you. It's been years."

"Yeah it has."

"My mom actually asked about you a few weeks back. Asked if I knew how you were doing. I told her, we hadn't spoken in so long. I did tell her I met your son...Brian, is it?"

Jon could hear his mother say bitterly. "Ben. Ben Halpert."

Jon smiled to himself. His mother threw that dig in on purpose. That's right, it's Halpert, idiot. She would never have had kids by you, Jon thought. He wondered why his mom was ever with such an asshole to begin with, it didn't seem like her. He seemed stifling, obnoxious, rude, and worst of all, blotchy.

There was a pause, as if Roy knew exactly why his mom stated Ben's last name. "Yea, um... I can't say our first impression was a good one. He sorta has a chip on his shoulder."

"Ben? Ben might be a lot of things but he doesn't walk around angry. Is that what really happened, Roy? Because Ben came home with a different version."

Another pause. "Well...Pammy. I guess we have a lot to talk about."

"It's Pam, Roy. Don't go there."

There was a beat before Jon felt someone tug at him. He jerked around to see Ben glaring at him.

"What are you-?"

"Shhhhhh!" Jon pushed him away from the door and back out into the gym.

Ben looked at him confused. "What's wrong with-?"

"Shhhhh!"

"Stop that!" Ben replied.

"Mom's in there with Red Blotch as we speak," he hissed. "Now are you gonna be quiet so we can eavesdrop?"

Ben paused, and dipped his head, and the boys tipped toed back to the door, perking up their ears.

Roy's deep voice echoed off the lockers. "So what... your boy comes home, sells the crying act, and you guys eat it up as a revenge plot by me? I don't have time to take out twenty years of aggression on some teenaged boy."

"So, why did you specifically call him out? You forget I've known you most of my life, I know how you work. Did you go after him because of what happened? Because I'm telling you now, that's not right Roy."

"Are you kidding me? This is some bull, Pam. Seriously. You claim to know me so well. You really think this is about your kid?"

"What is it about then, Roy?"

"Okay, yeah...Part of me was a bit surprised to see him. He looks a lot like you, but I can see the attitude is all Halpert's. I didn't like his attitude at all."

"Maybe he had one because you started in on him."

"I don't run that kind of program, Pammy. I mean, it was a bit off putting to see this kid who looks like you but acts like Halpert. I mean, sure sometimes, I think of what could have been but, it doesn't matter does it. You made your choice."

The boys leaned in to hear their mother's response when a gruff grunt behind them made them whip around to reveal their father.

Jim stood there tall, his hands in his suit pockets as he watched his boys stand up straight, with guilty looks. He mockingly whispered, "Hello, Scooby and Shaggy. What caper are you investigating today?"

Jon nodded his head back at the door, murmuring, "Mom's in there."

He saw his father's eyes widen for a second in surprise but he recovered quickly as he sucked in his bottom lip. "Um...okay. Wasn't expecting that. Wow. So yeah... don't you two have class?"

The boys shrugged as Jim walked past them and into the frame of the door. Jon and Ben didn't move as they watched their father stand in the door way, feigning confusion. "Oh...here's the office. Oh....hey Pam."

"Jesus Christ. Jim Halpert. Put ‘er there," Roy's fake voice came through.

Jon guessed his mom was a bit embarrassed that she had come without their dad. She was suddenly very quiet. They listened as their father sat down, his voice steady. "So...we're here about Ben."

"I was just telling Pammy here, he was a good kid," Roy's comment almost made Ben snort.

"Sure you were," Their dad's voice oozed with sarcasm. "So what's the problem?"

"I had a little run in with Ben at practice. Ben was a bit disrespectful. Didn't want to play by the rules."

"Ah," Jim said. "Well, what if I told you we talked to him about it, and he promised to never do it again?"

"Well, he did it in front of the whole team. We can't have that affecting how they play, now can we?"

Ben wanted to go in there and wallop the red blotched bastard. That's not how it went down and he knew it.

"I see, well, does it affect the whole team, honestly? Were they not able to practice because of Ben? I'm not sure what happened but-"

"You calling me a liar? You son didn't want to do warm ups and then he acted like a little snot and refused to fall in line."

The boys could tell their father didn't like his children being called names. This guy obviously rubbed their dad the wrong way and long before Ben's incident. Jon briefly wondered just how awful he had been to their mom, since she never really gave an answer.

Jim let out a tense chortle. "Okay...I'm trying to be civil here, it's obviously not working. So..."

"Are you? Are you really?" Roy laughed bitterly.

"Roy!" Pam hissed.

Jim took a deep breath. "No one's accusing you of anything. Ben's the best point guard this season, check his stats. He's also MVP for the State Championships last year's JV. Not one blemish on his record."

Roy snorted, "I've seen his stats. They're okay enough. I'm running a different kind of program here. I don't think because he's this, jock or whatever, he gets to be difficult."

Jon imaged his father's jaw line tensing as he stated, "I think you're making this personal and it doesn't have to be."

"Whoa, those are strong words, there," Roy objected.

"I know. That's why I chose them," Jim said curtly. They had seen their father become upset only one time when their mom's brother Paul made a smart comment about mom once.

"Ha," Roy gave a smug sneer. "Still cracking jokes after all these years. I see where Ben gets it."

"Well between that and his basketball skills, he gets that from me. The rest, he gets from his mother. That's kind of a great combination, I would say."

The tension filled the air and the boys strained harder to hear. They could practically feel the vibes coming from their father's words, and though he said them as if they were to be humorous, they were cutting Roy like a knife. Jim's underlying meaning was clear. These were his kids, with Pam, and Roy could back the hell up.

Jim didn't care what crap Roy was spewing. "He's got excellent grades, as does his brother. Both are known for being well rounded boys and now...suddenly, we have you telling us we're dealing with a juvenile delinquent?"

"Maybe it's the hormones? My stepdaughter sure has them" Roy sarcastically spit out, and Ben nearly choked as he said it. He still tasted her cigarette tasting breath as Roy continued ranting.

 "Who knows? All I know is that I resent the fact you're trying to make it seem like I'm doing this as some payback for you poaching my girlfriend twenty years ago."

"Is that what this is about? Because I never said why I thought you went after him, did I Roy? And by the way, she was your fiancée. And it doesn't really matter. I didn't poach anyone, she chose to leave you and it was like, a whole year before we even-"

"Look here Hal-"

"No, Roy," Pam interrupted firmly, and Jon's eyes widened in admiration as he heard her talk. He knew his mother's tone well. She was getting pissed. "Listen, whatever attitude Ben may or may not have had, I know my son. He's not going to cop one unless you started with him. Jim and I stand together on that. And if you don't let Ben back on team, I promise you I will take it to whomever I have to-"

"-Whomever, as in an object, as in the School Board-" Jim interjected, matter-of-factly.

"-Correct," she said unflinchingly. "You know this is unfair, Roy."

Jim slapped his hands on his knees, and sighed deeply. "You know what Pam? I think we should go. Practice is on Monday, right? Coach?"

There was a pause before a gruff, "Yeah. See him Monday."

Jon and Ben stood back, staring, pride in their eyes over their parents standing up for Ben. They heard chairs scoot back and the boys scrambled out towards the gymnasium.

"Why are we running?" Jon asked as they skidded onto the basketball court.

"I don't know, stop, I'm tired!" Ben yelped, leaning over, wheezing.

They heard someone clearing their throat behind them. "Well at least they don't run track, Pam."

Both boys turned embarrassed towards their parents.

Jim smirked, crossing his lanky arms. "So I gather you guys heard everything from your clandestine positions by the door?"

"Pretty much, "Ben said. "I was waiting for you to punch him or something."

"Or a nice kick to the shin," Jon replied, grinning.

Jim shook his head. "Not all things need to end violently. There's blood, and if Dwight's there, some pepper spray or ninja throwing stars. And sneaking around, listening at doors isn't a great idea either. But you already knew that. And wait, why aren't either of you in class?"

Jon and Ben looked each other and down at their shoes.

"Ben, you want this right? Because I mean, doesn't matter what happened in there, if you don't want to play, I get it okay. We're proud of you guys not matter what. Both of you, we're all in this together okay?"

Pam balked. "Wow, that felt like an after school special sort of thing to say!"

"I want to, Dad," Ben said smiling. It made him happy to see his parents were going balls to the wall for him. Plus his Dad was right, his stats were fucking incredible.

Pam nodded. "Right. So...would you think badly of us if we sprang you guys and went to an early dinner?"

Both boys shook their heads anxiously.

Jim smiled and messed up Ben's hair as the quad walked out the gym, not seeing a forlorn Roy watching. "We'll meet you in the front office. One last big hooray before Ben starts obsessing about his calorie intake again."

Jon didn't know how to execute this. He wasn't skillfully sneaky like most teenagers. In fact, there were only a few instances where he fibbed to his parents. And most of the time, they had used their ridiculous spidey senses to call bullshit.

Honestly, he wasn't trying to make a habit of being dishonest; his parents were pretty cool and understanding people, guilt would set in even when he only thought about lying. But it had to be done, just like in some of those cheesy 80's movies he watches with his dad, when the teen is left alone, or abandoned, or gets into crazy hijinx.

The thing is, Kurt had heard of this party at McKenzie Lamaker's house this weekend. Supposibly her mother was in Costa Rica, in rehab or something, but anyway, McKenzie was left in the care of her irresponsible college aged cousin. So of course, in true high school fashion, she was throwing a huge party on Saturday. A must go.

Jon didn't even really care, seeing as how the social scene wasn't his thing, but a hot soccer player named Becca was going to be there, and she had asked him if he'd show up. So now he practically had to go, because she was hot for one, and for two, she was really really hot. Plus, DJ and Kurt were very anxious to come along, as they rarely got invited to these things. That tends to happen when you grow up on a strict Christian beet farm.

So Saturday morning he woke up with a start, surprised to be up so early. His mind was restless from being up most of the night thinking of lies and excuses. He felt dirty, like a liar. He was a liar. But Jon knew he had to do this, because he had alot of plans for the weekend. One got to the party. Two...get Becca to notice him. Three...make out with Becca. Throwing on his plaid PJ bottoms, he made his way down to the kitchen, spying his mom and Ben sitting at the kitchen table talking, and his dad leaning casually against the kitchen counter, pouring a glass of OJ.

"Morning."

They all looked up at once, and his mother flashed her warm smile, which made his task of lying, or no, lying by omission, even harder.

"Come eat breakfast before we head out," she replied, pointing to the stack of waffles currently being devoured by Ben.

Jon slid into a chair at the kitchen table, and eyed both of his parents, wondering if they even had an inkling of what he was thinking of doing. Could they smell lies? Could they sense their teenager was having horny thoughts about a girl and would do something reprehensible with their trusts in order to get to second base with her? His mom was joking with Ben about his eating habits and his dad was looking at the calendar on the fridge. They had no idea of the diabolical mind they had created.

His parents were going away for the weekend, some romantic thing his dad thought up. Just overnight, but still...away. Leaving him in charge of himself and Ben.

"So, you guys are going to be okay right? All alone for the weekend?" Jim asked, smiling as he walked over to the table.

Jon nodded. "I think we'll be okay. Ben might eat everything in the fridge by this afternoon but we won't starve and die if so."

Ben frowned and shoved another piece of waffle in his mouth.

His mom ruffled his hair. "Even so, let's go over some ground rules. No parties. No girls. No bikers. No tattoos. No piercing. Your curfew, still stands."

"Wash your own dishes and put them away. No virgin sacrifices, or...I dunno...no starting a cult while we're gone. We will be checking in," Jim replied, smiling at Jon who rolled his eyes.

"DJ and Kurt are allowed to come over but they must go home when they are supposed to. Angela said she would drag them home by their ears if need be and all of you will be trouble."

"And most of all...I repeat, no parties. Or strippers. Or running any kind of illegal gambling in the house or out of the garage," Jim finished.

Ben gulped down his glass of OJ. "You sure do know how to deflate someone's hopes and dreams."

Jim shrugged as he stood to deposit his glass in the sink. "That's what I'm here for."

Pam stood up as she walked her own dishes to the sink. "The number to the bed and breakfast is on the fridge. Grandma Halpert will be calling to check on you, make sure you haven't burned down anything. New rule, don't burn down anything."

"Any plans this weekend?" Jim asked as he picked up their luggage.

And now, it starts, Jon thought. He put on a straight face. "Just studying. For me. Studying. Staying in the house. To study."

"You're kidding, right?" his mom asked, inquisitively.

His dad smirked, raising an eyebrow. "Ah. Studying. Seriously?"

"Dad, I'm graduating this year and I mean, I got to make this one count. Ya know?"

"You're running a fever, aren't you? We should cancel," Pam replied, looking at Jim.

"What? No! I mean, unless I'm allowed to go out and have fun and be with friends. I am seventeen."

Jim shook his head. "Not this weekend, buddy. You stay here with your brother and eat pizza."

"So yeah, like I said, I'll be studying and wasting my youth away here," Jon muttered, even though he knew what he would be doing. And it wouldn't be in this house.

His dad didn't seem convinced, but it didn't matter, they were leaving. They gave the boys hugs and reminded them they had $50 on the counter to order pizza and food in the fridge. It was just one night but they were making a big deal out of it.

Jon watched their SUV pull out of the garage and he waved through blinds the living room window, before turning to see Ben eyeing him suspiciously.

"Studying? That is all you could come up with? Why not knitting? Or scrapbooking? But studying? So lame."

"Shutup," Jon growled.

"Can I go to the party?" Ben asked as he sprawled across the couch.

Jon shook his head. "No. You're a sophmore."

"Uh, so?"

"So no, this is for upperclassmen. You can't go. I don't want my little brother tagging along. I'm not friggin' babysitting you."

Ben scowled and gave him the finger, causing Jon to snort. "God, no one even cares. It's just a stupid party with easy girls anyway. And you're lucky I have a Doom X-Box live tournament happening anyway."

"Riveting," Jon teased.

"Whatever. You don't even go to parties. I don't get it. Supposibly you're 'over it' or whatever. And no one will know I'm a sophomore. I've got to go! I really need to bang McKenzie once before I die. Or at least touch her boob or get a flash of it or something."

"None of those things will ever happen for you. Because you...will be upstairs. With your X-Box."

"I hate you," Ben hissed.

"I know. You gonna be okay here by yourself? Of course you will. With your X-Box and all. Don't do anything stupid. You know the rules."

Ben folded his arms across his chest in a defiant move. "Are you seriously lecturing me on following the rules?"

Later that night, Kurt and DJ were piled in the back of his car, way too anxious about going to the party.

"You think Becca's going to be there?"

Jon shrugged. "She asked me if I was. I mean, we're not staying long are we? Just long enough to make an appearance, maybe even...I don't know, make out with a few girls."

"I think she's coming," Kurt replied. "She was totally draping herself all over you in math class."

Jon shook his head, blushing. "Not, draping persay..."

"She was seriously doing some hardcore draping,"DJ said. "I wonder what her hair smells like."

"What?" Jon asked, confused.

"Lemonade," Kurt answered DJ's weird question. "I think it smells like lemonade."

"How...how do you know it smells like lemonade?" Jon wondered, still very confused.

DJ clapped wildly. "We're going to get so many girls. I have like a whole pocket full of pieces of paper and a pen..."

He reached in his pocket to show Jon, but when he pulled his hand out it was covered with black ink. "Aw crap, it busted!"

"Why don't you just log it in your cell phone if you get a number?"

Kurt frowned, lifting the cell phone in Jon's face. "These phones are pre-paid. No way am I using my daytime minutes on some silly fling."

"Okay then. And you wonder why you can't get a girlfriend..." Jon sighed, turning in front of the house.

There was alot of cars out in front and loud music and people from school. And some that looked way too old to be there. "I told Ben he better not leave the house tonight, let's hope he listens. He was too busy playing Doom when I left."

"Doom is awesome," DJ replied.

"I've had a girlfriend. I told you last summer..." Kurt argued, going back to the previous conversation.

"The girl who was your cousin?" Jon said, frowning.

DJ shook his head. "Second cousins don't count, Jon."

The boys piled out and walked towards the house. As soon as they opened the door, a jello shot was shoved in Jon's face.

He looked at it and shook his head, but the hand attached to it was Becca. She was smiling devilishly. "Come on, Jon. Drink with me."

Shit.

Jon took the jello shot and downed it in one gulp, tasting bitterness and something that stung his throat. He wasn't a drinker, except for a couple of lite beers he drank around fifteen with DJ and Kurt when they snuck away from a cookout. This didn't taste good at all. Before he could recover, another was handed to him, while Becca sucked on a lemon, totally distracting him.

"O.M.G.! Jonathan Halpert!" He heard Stacey Kapoor-Bernard screech as she rushed over to him. She eyed Becca evilly before flashing a huge smile at Jon. "I'm so glad you are here Jon! We still need to discuss the prom!"

Jon looked shocked, from Stacey to Becca and back to Stacey. "I uh...we never talked about prom, Stacey."

"Not yet, but we're totally going. We have to! Our parents work together and we're close to the same age and you're like in my top five guys I would totally let go to second base."

Becca cleared her throat and Jon grabbed Becca's jello shot and gulped it down, choking out "Oh god."

Stacey got distracted by two of her friends, and rushed towards them, leaving Jon and Becca standing there awkwardly.

"That was weird," Becca said quietly. She got another two beers from a table nearby and smiled to Jon, making him feel warm inside. Or, maybe that was the alcohol.

Before he knew it, he had taken like, four jello shots and had a beer  securely in his hand.  DJ and Kurt had wandered off, and were in the other room guzzling something, and talking to two girls Jon was pretty sure didn't go to their school, or any school for that matter. They were looking at the girls' tattoos with too much interest. Jon started to feel light headed, and the room was spinning as Becca pulled him towards the covered deck. Her shirt was low, way too low, but he wasn't a complainer.

She began to grind up against him and he was so drunk he couldn't even enjoy it. He wobbled back and forth with her, feeling overheated like the room suddenly became a sauna. And for the record, she didn't smell like lemons, she smelled like smoke, and when she leaned in and whispered something about upstairs and having condoms in his ear, he noted her breath smelled even worse. But that thought was fleeting as he stumbled away from her, the intense need to hurl coming forward. He moved quickly through the crowd and over towards the bushes in the yard, where he did hurl.

Jon leaned back against the outside brick wall of the house, and breathed, hoping there was no more vomit left. He turned towards the house but felt whoozy and instead slumped down on some old patio furniture. He didn't move for awhile, Becca and getting anywhere with her was totally forgotten.

It was only when he heard someone else hurling nearby did he look up to see DJ leaned over, with Kurt patting his back. They must have come outside to hurl too.

"I'm going...to die," he mumbled. Kurt nodded, as if to agree.

"I promise not to let them harvest your organs for profit."

"What?!" DJ yelped, pushing Kurt away and falling to the ground. Kurt also seemed drunk as he wobbled over to his brother. Jon crawled off the patio furniture and over to them.

"Jon!! Who's that with you?" DJ said squinting.

Jon shook his head. "You're seeing double. How much did you have to drink?"

"This spinning patio is awesome! I want one of these!" Kurt replied.

Suddenly, the sound of sirens and of cars pulling up to the house could be heard. Kids started to scramble and run, the sound of car doors and yelling all over. Jon swallowed hard, his throat dry and numb, as he tried to stand up. "Oh god. We have to leave."

"But what about Becca?" DJ asked, struggling to stand.

"I hope her parents have bail money. Bro's before ho's, DJ!" Kurt snapped, as the boys rushed around the back way to find the car.

Jon reached in his pocket, looking for the keys, but nothing was there. He began to panic, and turned his pockets inside out. "Shit! The keys are back there! I must have dropped them somewhere!"

"The police are back there too!!" DJ yelped.

"We have to go. I'm pretty sure Father will show up, it's police scanner night!" Kurt warned.

The trio ran down the street away from the house until they couldn't breathe anymore.

"Now what?"

"We die. We die alone, in this strange place," Kurt sighed.

DJ grimaced. "What is wrong with you?!"

Jon tried to concentrate on thinking, but his head was spinning nad he felt lightheaded. "I can call Ben. He can drive my mom's car and come and get us," Jon replied, pulling out the cell phone.

"Ben's fifteen! He doesn't have a license does he?"

"Shhhhh...Ben? Ben... hey look...no no, forget about the party...listen...Ben, I'm wasted, I can't get to my car because the police are at McKenzie's place...we're like a street over, Newman Street, if you can come...just drive really slow...you can do it, stop saying...you are not going to die in a car crash...that is an overreaction...just come on!"

He snapped the phone shut and the sat over on the side of the street and waited.

After twenty minutes, Jon was worried. Kurt rubbed his hands on his knees. "What if he did die in a car crash? And he could see into the future and you ignored it?"

"Shutup," Jon replied, standing and walking to the street to see if he could see the headlights of his mom's car.

"God, I have to throw up again," DJ frowned, leaning over and throwing up.

Headlights blinded Jon and he looked to see Ben pulling up. He skidded to a stop and the brakes screeched. Jon winced. He rolled down his window. "You look horrible."

"Whatever. Can you...drive Kurt and DJ home?"

Ben shook his head violently. He hated trying to drive. Dad promised they would practice more in the evening but he didn't have the time. "Why can't they stay at our house? It's closer and I really shouldn't be driving. I'm not the best driver-"

"They have to go home or their dad would hunt them down and make a big deal out of it."

DJ and Kurt nodded as they climbed into the backseat and Ben drove away, as slow as possible. The ride was not easy as Ben really was telling the truth. A skilled driver he was not. He swerved and over corrected a few times, causing Jon's stomach to do flips and the twins to topple over each other. They tried to not draw attention to themselves, but DJ's stomach wasn't helping out the situation, causing Ben to have to pull over as so DJ could hurl on the side of the road.

Finally they made it to the farm, and Ben turned down the dark road. They drove slowly down the dirt path towards the house.

"We're almost there," Ben replied looking back at DJ, who was pale from car sickness.

"Dude, watch the road!"

Suddenly a flash came across the front of the car, Jon couldn't tell if it was human or not, but it did look like Mose. But Ben had swerved to avoid hitting whatever it was, and lost control of the car, speeding down the field and towards the barn.

The boys were screaming, holding on to something in the car, all except Ben who decided to take both of his hands off the wheel and scream instead.

The car slammed into the barn and into a bale of hay and then the airbags deployed, smacking a stunned Jon and Ben in the face.

They all sat there, coughing, shocked, scared, and confused. Suddenly the barn door was thrown open and Dwight Schrute came running in with a crossbow and a flashlight. Angela followed, screaming as she saw the boys climbing out of the car.

"What is the reason for this malfeasence?!" Dwight yelled.

DJ and Kurt groaned and crawled away from the car.

"Are you hurt? Bleeding? Internally or externally? Is there a light? Don't go to it!" Dwight rushed over to the boys, grabbing Kurts face and scanning his eyes.

"Dad, please, stop yelling!" Kurt cried out.

Dwight winced, smelling the alcohol on his breath. "Have you been drinking spirits?"

DJ's eyes filled with fear. "Uh...What?"

"Alcohol?! I can smell it on your breath boy! Vodka, no..." Dwight sniffed his son's open mouth again. "No...tequila. Have you been illegally consuming alcohol?"

Kurt looked down, showing shame. Dwight let go of him, standing up by his disapproving wife. He looked at Jon and Ben and then back to his own children.

"Who was driving?"

Ben looked over at Jon. And they both looked down. Ben raised his hand. "I was, Mr. Schrute, sir."

"How old are you? Twelve?"

"No sir. Fifteen," Ben replied biting his lip.

Dwight snorted. "Lackawanna County as well of the state of Pennsylvania requires you to be at least sixteen to acquire a license. What you did, boy, was illegal. And you should be punished. Angela, phone Jim and Pam. You boys are in for a world of hurt. This car could have easily exploded and you could have been trapped and knowing that this car is a cheap Japanese model, it would have burned you alive very quickly. Your parents would have had to have closed caskets."

Ben didn't know how to respond. He was too dazed from the accident. "Um...I'm sorry, sir."

Dwight swallowed and pointed his gun towards the house and hissed bitterly, "All of you, inside. NOW."

The boys scrambled to follow Angela towards the house, while Dwight observed the damage to his barn. Angela called their parents while Jon bit his nails nervously and watched her stern face stay the same the entire conversation. his parents did not request to speak to them. Dwight showed the boys to DJ and Kurt's room, which was weird that they shared a room in an eight bedroom house. But they settles on the floor and stared up at the pipes coming out of the ceiling, dreading the consequences of that night.

The next morning, Jon woke up, his head felt like lead and his throat burned. His mouth was dry also. He licked his lips and coughed, moaning as he held his head. Ben and the others followed soon, waking up. The twins were so hung over. They made their way downstairs, hearing adult voices. As they stood in the kitchen, Jon's eyes landed on his parents, sitting at the table, with serious looks on their faces. They looked up and saw the boys, and didn't smile.

The Halperts climbed in the SUV and drove in silence until they arrived home. Pam sighed as she opened the door and the boys walked in glumly.

Jim cleared his throat and pointed to the table. "Sit."

They both sat down quickly. Jim and Pam took a seat and looked at each other before Jim spoke. "Are you okay?"

Jon answered. "Yea, I think so. Scared, a bit... I have a headache. The airbag hurt and burned me a bit."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" Pam asked. "Let me see."

The boys let their parents inspect their arms to comfort their fears. "No, we're fine. Just spooked."

Jim nodded. "Okay. That...I'm really glad you're okay. But let me ask you, are you insane?"

The boys looked at each other. Here it comes. "No."

Jim tapped his finger against the wood of the table. "You crashed...your mom's car...into Dwight Schrute's barn. You...got drunk...with his twins. You have to be crazy."

"No dad, it wasn't-"

"Do you really think your excuses will work right now?" Jim said, deadpanned.

Jon shook his head as Pam started. "You went to a party without permission. The cops were called. Underaged drinking. And then to top it off, you had your fifteen year old brother pick you up because you went to a party you were not allowed to go to? I mean what the hell Jon?!"

"I'm sor-" Jon started but Jim pointed to Ben.

"And you listened?!"

Ben went to explain but his dad held up a hand.

"No, apologies are not good enough right now. I don't know what was going through your heads, but we thought we raised two responsible boys. You broke that trust. So now...you have to deal with the consequences. No X-Box, Ben. No activities, or hanging out with the twins, until further notice. No having fun. You go to school and come home. You only use the cell for emergencies. And to repay Mr. Schrute to fix his barn, you will work with him every weekend until it's like new. And there's still the issue with your mom's car being wrecked and covered in hay and manure."

The boys swallowed their protests. They deserved it.

Jim covered his mouth in frustration and looked away.  That had to be the first time Jon saw actual disappointment in his father's eyes. And that stung him more than anything.

Their mother gave them a sad smile. "Go upstairs and rest up. I'll get you something for your headache, Jon."

The boys stood slowly. Jon turned back around, his hands shoved in his pockets, his head hung in guilt. "I'm sorry...for everything."

Neither parent responded and Jon was sure it wasn't just the hangover that made him feel so bad.

Mose would often come over and whisper weird things in their ears about rats are carnivores or Harry Potter would use his wand before Mr. Schrute would chase him off. The twins were in their element, having built their own tree house when they were little, of course, before their father chopped down the tree a month later...for firewood. But the Halpert boys, while athletic and in fairly good shape, were not laborers. There were days they would come home sore and bruised and their mother would have to put Epson salt to relieve the pain. Mr. Schrute was a brutal foreman, always criticizing their weak arms, and girly-like grip of the hammer.

Once Jon was hammering nails into an anchor board, when Mr. Schrute snuck up on him like a ninja. "What are you doing boy?"

Jon jumped, swallowing audibly. "I'm hammering...like you said, sir."

A firm hand gripped his wrist. "Did I say give the nail a few love taps? My god, you have the wrist of a woman. If you had to build a bridge or home, it would surely collapse. Is that what you want, to be responsible for dropping a house on someone?"

Jon frowned as Mr. Schrute took the hammer and began slamming it against the wood with unnecessary malice. "See that? See how that sounds, and I'm not even putting effort into this."

Ben and the twins had stopped working to watch Dwight dramatically hammer the nail down.

"Dad you're going to hurt yourself," Kurt sighed, but Dwight gave him the evil eye before continuing to pound the nail in relentlessly. "Like you did with the mule."

"That mule had quick reflexes and I let it kick me, on purpose. Pain is a state of mind. Unlike your weakling friends over here, Schrutes do not possess a threshold for pain. There is no pain. It's all in the-" The hammer smacked down on his thumb and Dwight screamed out. "EEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Father!" DJ cried, rushing over to the injured man. Kurt ran towards the house screaming for his mother and Jon looked over at a horrified Ben. They knew this project would be no picnic.

Dwight's thumb recovered. It had been a few weeks now, and the barn was almost done. It was the last day and the Halpert boys looked forward to using their weekends for more productive things, like sleeping and eating...and then sleeping again. It was a day of celebration, a day to rejoice. No more of Mr. Schrute screaming at them while holding a cross bow. No more of Mose throwing cow droppings at them. No more of Mrs. Schrute's long drawn out graces over the lunch table.  They were finally free and their debts were paid.

Of course the morning was busy; Pam was up making breakfast before they left. Ben was probably lounging in his room, ignoring his parents bellowing for everyone to get a move on. Jon searched frantically for a t-shirt he did not care about, because once the smell of manure sets in, it's hard to get off, as he learned with happened with one of his vintage tees. The phone was ringing off the hook and annoying Jon because seriously, with four people in the house someone should be answering it. He couldn't concentrate on his task with all the ringing.

"I'll be down in a minute!" he yelled, tossing clothes unceremoniously out off his dresser drawers. "Is someone going to get that?!"

"No one ever calls me!" Ben yelled back. "I'm not answering it!"

"What are you two doing up there?! It's time to go!" Their father barked from downstairs.

The phone was still ringing. Stupid telemarketers. Or maybe it was Chelsea, this new girl Jon had an eye on.

"I got it!" Pam yelled. "Hurry up guys! Dad's got one foot out of the door!"

Jon dropped on his knees to search under his bed, when Ben walked up and leaned against his door frame.

"What are you doing? Sewing a new shirt together? Come on! I want to leave early!"

Jon slammed his dresser drawer back in response as he slipped on the old t-shirt. "I'm not ruining another shirt. That Pink Floyd shirt was like...a classic...and I refuse to let anymore of my wardrobe smell like shit. Okay?"

"Such a girl," Ben muttered and Jon shoved him out of the way as they both made their way downstairs.

"Ready Da-" Jon stopped short as he saw his dad clutching the phone, his eyes red, his face pale. Their mother was sitting on the living room couch sobbing, rocking back and forth.

"No...yes...I understand...no, no...yes, we'll leave today...no....thank you," Jim said solemnly before hanging up the phone and taking a deep breath. He looked over at his wife and then up at his confused sons, standing on the stairs.

"Dad?"

They knew something was wrong. Jim rarely cried and Pam was in near hysterics from the looks of it.

"Um..." Jim stumbled over his words, looking down at his feet. "Boys, I have really bad news. Grandpa Beesly died this morning from a heart attack."

"What?" Ben asked, his breath ragged. Jon gripped the banister tightly, feeling weak suddenly. Ben sank down on the steps, sitting in a slump. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," Jim replied. "Um...they just called. Um...are you...?"

Their father looked between the boys and over to his wife who was crying hysterically. "Oh, Pam."

He walked over in the living room and sat beside her, taking her crying form in his arms, rocking her back and forth. Jon closed his eyes, tears threatening to come out. They had just seen their grandfather a week ago and he was fine. He was laughing and joking around with them, and promising to take them to an Eagles game one day. Everyone said having the grand boys softened Mr. Beesly up over the years; he was no longer the hard edged man people knew. He was proud of his grandsons. He was excited to see Jon graduate. But now he wouldn't. Because he had slipped away in the blink of an eye.

So instead of spending a day on the Schrute Farm, the Halpert boys were in the back of the SUV, heading towards York, Pennsylvania where their grandparents live...lived...

The car ride was unusually quiet, especially with four Halperts in the car, but that was because they were all anguished and shocked, and confused. Ronald Beesly wasn't a sick man, and he had planned on being around to watch his grandsons grown up for awhile, he proclaimed. The boys adored him and vice versa. He would come down and attend the boys' games or he would invite them to go fishing with him, which they enjoyed. He was an awesome grandfather.

Jon looked out the window, watching the trees as they drove by pastures and fields on the highway, trying to figure out how to deal with the loss he felt. Truthfully, neither boy had to really deal with death, their paternal grandfather died a long time ago, a year before their father started dating their mother. And while they wished they could have gotten to know him, the loss felt different. It didn't hurt like this. This would be the first time someone close to them passed away, and they didn't know how to deal with it. In the passenger seat, Pam sniffed and wiped at her eyes. Jon could see his father glance over at her, before resting a hand on hers, and rubbing it to soothe her.

"I'll call in Monday; let them know we'll be here until after the funeral. Okay?" Jim said softly, moving his eyes back to the road.

All Pam did was nod.

"Mom? Are you alright?" Ben asked quietly. He'd never seen his mother like this, devastated. His parents were always so joyful, always laughing, and happy. Content. He'd never seen her totally stripped and broken up before.

Pam turned in her seat, her cheeks stained with tears. "I'll be...fine. It's just...he loved you boys so much. You know that right?"

Ben and Jon nodded but said nothing. They didn't want to push their mother. They didn't want to face the fact that the next time they would see their grandfather he would be lying still in a casket. Finally they arrived in York, pulling up in front of the modest home where their mother grew up. No one moved. No one said anything as they all looked solemnly at the front door. He would never open that door again and tell the boys to come in and help him build the entertainment center. Or ask Jon to toss the old pig skin around because an old man has a few tricks up his sleeve. Ron Beesly could no longer tell Ben he looks just like his Uncle Paul. He wouldn't do any of those things he had come to do.

Jim was the first to unbuckle his belt, and he glanced around the SUV, smiling feebly. "Come on, let's get the bags. See if your grandmother needs any help around the house."

They all piled out and Jim quickly went around to Pam's side, helping her out as the tears came again. The walk up to the porch was slow and torturous. When Grandma Beesly opened the door, she tried to smile, she tried to act happy to see them, but they all knew, this was bittersweet.

"Look at my boys. So tall and handsome," she said, kissing them both on the cheek. "You can stay in Paulie's old room. When he gets here, he's sleeping in the basement."

"Mom," Pam started to protest but her mother threw her hand up. Clearly, she needed to do this, to make decisions, even if it was just sleeping arrangements. "Paulie doesn't mind. He won't be in until Monday anyway."

"Monday? Why?" Pam frowned, as she followed her mother into the kitchen. Their uncle Paulie had a habit of not exactly around. He might show up on a holiday, might not. They were never quite sure when he would show up. One would think he would at least be here for his father's funeral.

The boys looked over at their father as the three stood in the foyer, allowing the Beesly women to be in the own solace. Jim cleared his throat. "Are you alright?"

They nodded but said nothing. Jim bit his lip, his eyes sweeping over the two teenagers. "If this is hard for you...if you want to talk-"

"We know, Dad," Jon said quickly, grabbing his bag to head upstairs. It was weird, how when someone dies, people get sentimental, mushy almost. Sure it was a sad occasion, but it was awkward sometimes, the condolences. They knew their father was looking out for them, as fathers do. As their grandfather probably did.

The teens walked up the stairs to Uncle Paul's room, a room they had stayed in before for Christmases and holidays. When it was a fun trip or a family gathering that brought about smiles. Except this time the family gathering was about a tragedy, a loss that will bring the Beesly bloodline together.

They both flopped down on the twin beds in the room and stared up at the ceiling, neither saying a word. The day was passing and neither knew how long they had been there, what conversations were occurring outside of Uncle Paul's bedroom door.

"Hey Jon," Ben whispered, like someone was listening in on them.

"Yeah," Jon replied.

"This sucks," Ben sighed, wiping a tear from his eyes.

Jon didn't reply back, but Ben knew he was crying too.

An hour later, they heard a knock on the door, and their mother entered the room. Her face was flushed again, she had obviously been crying.  "Hey guys..." she said softly, shutting bed room door behind her.

They both sat up and trying to hide the fact they had been crying too. She smiled at them, their mother's smile, but it was twinged with sadness.

"Are you guys hungry? Because I need you to go get some things from the grocery store so I can make dinner."

"Mom...you don't have to explain...just give us the list," Jon teased lightly and she tapped his shoulder, smiling a real smile for the first time since they left Scranton.

The boys got in the car, with strict instructions on how to drive and a grocery list. They drove silently to Giants and Jon pushed the basket lazily while Ben got the stuff off of the list.

"She's making meatloaf," Ben grimaced. Their mom's meatloaf wasn't the best.

Jon shrugged. "Let her. And act like it's the best meatloaf you ever tasted."

Ben thought about it and nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."

They picked up the required items and head back to the house, the miserable quiet still settling between them. Pam told them people would be stopping by, to give condolences and bring cakes and casseroles. This was going to be so weird.

That night, DJ texted Jon and let him know he was in his prayers. Jon didn't reply back, what could he say to that really? Prayers couldn't bring back his grandfather. The boys settled in, and over the next few days, they watched the cakes, casseroles and condolences filter in and out of their grandfather's home.

Tuesday came, and Uncle Paul did arrive late Monday. He was helping Ben with his tie and Jim was telling Jon to run a comb through his hair. They wore new charcoal gray suits their father felt he had to go purchase just the day before. Some people they knew, the others...not so much.  Their grandfather looked as if he were asleep, like he had just eaten thanksgiving dinner and fell asleep watching football. It was hard not to expect him just to get up. People kept coming over to them, patting their backs, or pinching their cheeks, telling them their grandfather loved them, as if they had to be reassured. It was hard to watch them lower his casket into the ground, even harder still to hear the sobs of their mother, grandmother, and uncle as the reverend said "...ashes to ashes and dust to dust..."

And here Jon only thought they said that in movies. The repass was at their grandmother's house, and it was filled with same people from the funeral. Ben was becoming annoyed with the older woman ruffling his hair, his Uncle Paul like hair, so he found an excuse to go refill the ice bucket in the kitchen. That's when he saw Coach Anderson there.

Ben stopped dead in his tracks as Roy was leaning against the kitchen counter, alone in the kitchen as if he was in deep thought. Maybe he could slip back out into the living room unnoticed.

"Hey...Ben," Roy replied, his voice sounding as if he himself might have been crying.

"Hey,"  Ben waved, walking to the freezer.  Just get the ice and get the fuck out of dodge. He put the ice bucket near the ice dispenser and tried to act casual. Just getting some ice, nothing to see here.

Roy was frowning, twisting his hands. Please don't say anything to me, Ben thought. "How are you handling all of this?"

Shit.

Ben shrugged. "I'm okay. I'm going to miss him."

Roy nodded but mostly to himself. "Your grandfather taught me how to throw a football. And how to drive. He even taught me how to dance...for our wed-"

His voice dropped and he cleared his throat. "He was a good man. He was a really awesome guy."

Ben stared at the blotchy weepy man and agreed. "Yeah he was. He was...awesome. And funny. And smart. He was my granddad."

And Roy gave him a small smile as Ben took the ice back into the living area.

It was wicked boring until Ben saw his dad hiss, "You have got to be kidding me..." as Michael, Phyllis, Kelly, and Dwight walked into the house. Michael approached Jim, a saddened look on his face, way too overdramatic for a person he met briefly once at Jim and Pam's wedding.

"Jim..." he extended his arms, but Jim shook his head. "Wow, I feel...it wasn't his time. Young Benjamin, how are you? Devastated? Depressed? Tell me."

"Um..." Ben stammered, staring at his father for some guidance.

"Hey Michael. What brings you here?" Jim asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Dunder-Mifflin support team. Active as of eight am this morning. We're here for you," Michael replied. He handed Jim a bowl of potato salad. "It's been in my car though. It wasn't hot today, so it might still be good."

"Michael..." Jim sighed. "Thanks for the support, but-"

Pam walked up, confused. "Um...hey Michael...wow, you brought food and everything. And you drove two hours."

Jim leaned over and whispered something in her ear, and she nodded. "Jim's gonna take it in the kitchen. Okay?"

"Pam...if you need a hug...or a shoulder...or an ear to..." Michael began to get choked up to Pam's horror. "We're here for you."

Kelly chimed in. "This funeral is just as sad if not sadder than my sister's."

"Let's give Pam a group hug," Michael suggested.

"Oh no...I'm fine Michael. But thank you."

Dwight looked around and his eyes landed on Ben. "I have delayed work on the barn until you have worked through your grief. No one can put up shingles while crying."

Ben and Jim looked at each other, and rolled their eyes.

Jon was out back, swinging on Mom's old swing.  He was watching the people dressed in black walk in and away from the house. He was already over the casseroles and the pasta salad, and the memories people kept having of him that he couldn't even remember. He just wanted to be alone, to deal with this alone. His grandfather was dead. Gone. He wasn't coming back. Ever. He wasn't going to show up on graduation or give him some tips to woo his date on prom night. He wasn't going to ask him what his major would be in college or did he get a haircut yet. He wasn't going to be around anymore and that really really sucked.

"Aren't you too big for swings?" his dad's voice said as Jon turned to see him standing there, emptying a bowl into the garbage. He set the bowl down and walked over to the swings.

Jon snorted. "You're never too big to swing, Dad. And if I am, it's these impossibly lanky limbs you've blessed me with."

"Touché," Jim replied, taking the other swing. "Hey...how are you...doing with all of this?"

Jon sighed looking down at his feet. "I'm fine, I guess. Everyone keeps asking me that. It's kind of annoying. And I don't even know who half of these people are."

"Well, they are concerned. It's a sad day."

"I know. I mean, he was fine, last week. He was joking, laughing. We made plans."

"Yeah, I know that's scary. But he didn't know what the future held. I'm sure he wanted to do all those things with you. Maybe he didn't know he was sick, maybe he did. No one can ever predict what's going to happen tomorrow."

Jon frowned. "I know, that's why it's scary. What if...it happens to you? Or Mom?"

Jim nodded, understanding Jon's question. "Hopefully it won't. But if...if it does, know that I love you guys. And I'm proud of you. I plan on being around to annoy you for a long time. T embarrass you in front of your girlfriends and everything. And your mom...god. You were like the best thing that ever happened to us. She...loves you guys more than I've seen anyone love someone."

They both stared out at another group or mourners heading to the front door. They were quiet for awhile, before Jon smiled and looked over at his father. He was alive now, here with him. Jon would forever appreciate his father. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you know Mr. Schrute got kicked by a mule?"

Pam still had her moments, but she put on a happy face for the boys. She seemed to be extra interested in their daily activities, and when they came home, they were treated to a home-cooked dinner every night, something they definitely were not used to. Finally their dad had asked her what was going on, were they boycotting KFC or the pizza place. She just shrugged and said, "I like cooking for you guys."

They were not convinced. Mom wasn't the best cook. Her experiments in the kitchen sometimes lead to disasters and KFC would make a miraculous appearance again.

This particular Saturday, Ben and Jon were sitting in the family room watching Spike TV when Pam bounced from upstairs where she had been painting. She's also been doing that a lot too. Making good use of the easel her dad had built her.

"So...sandwiches for lunch?" She asked, bouncing on her heels behind their couch.

No response came as the boys were glued to the television. Because apparently, Rambo was interesting no matter how many times you've seen it.  So Pam shrugged and entered the kitchen, washing her hands to get to work on the sandwiches. 

She paused at the sink and sighed. "Jon, did you eat a huge bowl of cereal this morning?"

Jon looked over the back of the couch. "Yes."

"Is this your huge bowl of chocolate milk from eating said huge bowl of Cocoa Puffs?"

"Yes..."

"Come clean out your bowl please," Pam replied, hands on her hips.

"Mom, Rambo's about to like slaughter all these guys!"

"Jonathan, you have seen Rambo kill in this exact scene too many times to count, unfortunately. I'm sure it's on repeat at the Schrute household..."

"Actually Mr. Schrute thinks Rambo is kind of a sissy..."

"Come wash your dish," Pam said demandingly.

Jon huffed over to the sink, smiling down at his short mother. She had paint on her nose and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She looked very young like that. Kurt thought his mom was kind of hot until Jon beat him up. He laughed because it was kind of sweet. "You have paint on your nose. What are you painting?"

"Sunflowers."

"Good choice. You should hang it up in the foyer by the front door."

"I was thinking the same thing," she smiled, reaching up to mess with his unruly hair.

"Mom..."

"You need to comb it."

"Ben needs to comb his hair. Why don't you go mess with his bird's nest?"

"I do. He hates it too. You boys are some handsome devils."

Jon snorted, but blushed as his mom beamed up at him and continued to make her sandwiches. This was the Halpert family routine. Saturday, Mom would paint while Dad played ball with his friends until the boys woke up. Or they would be out grocery shopping...until the boys woke up. Whatever the parents were doing, surely the boys would be asleep.  Then they would either force the boys to get up and do some lame family bonding thing or they would send the boys out of the house, as if no one knew their parents were still having sex. Ew.

But this weekend was mellow. Their dad was in the yard mowing the lawn (Jon's job but Jon had made a big production about being suddenly being allergic to ragweed that Jim just mowed it himself). The sound of the lawnmower going outside stopped and the back door opened. Their lanky sweaty father stepped inside, furrowing his brow at his lazy sons who looked extremely too comfortable for his liking.

"Enjoying the movie, guys? Want mom to make you some lemonade? Perhaps I should hire some scandalously dressed women to feed you two grapes?" He said that with a bit of bitterness laced with his words. So dramatic.

The pair lazily turned their heads in their father's direction but didn't respond.

"I had kids so I wouldn't have to do yard work," he ranted as he entered the kitchen.

The boys looked at each other and shrugged, then returned to their movie.

"Gross Jim, you're sweaty and covered in grass. Get out of the kitchen!" Pam squealed.

"I'm, like, dying of thirst Pam!" he fussed back as she waved him away.

"I'll get you a glass of ice water; just get out of my kitchen!"

Jim frowned and looked back over towards the open family room area, where his two lazy excuses for sons continued to watch television.

"I get no respect in my own house. We have got to have the laziest sons on this planet and a man can't even get a glass of water after mowing that football field of a backyard we have," Jim ranted as Pam handed him a glass of water and a sandwich.

"The yard's not that big," Ben muttered, and Jon elbowed him in the side. Let's not draw attention to ourselves, was the message. Maybe he'll rant, then go back outside, not prompting us to help. So shutup.

"I'm sorry...." Jim took the glass from his lips, amused. "What was that? Are you complaining about the lovely house you're being raised in?"

"No," Ben sighed.

"Ah, sounds like you were complaining," his dad replied. He chewed thoughtfully on his sandwich as his wife raised an eyebrow at him. They communicated silently with their eyes for like 3 minute. "Ya know what boys? I think it's time for father son bonding."

"Oh...no," Jon groaned and Ben grunted in agreement. They knew this would happen.

Jim was resolute in his idea. He smiled at their discontent and shoved the rest of his sandwich in his mouth. "Yep, I really think today is the best day for some Halpert manly bonding. We'll wrestle, grill some hunted meat, fix a car, and do something manly."

"Wrestling sounds really girly..." Jon snorted.

"Whose car are we fixing? The SUV gets serviced," Ben asked.

"Okay, forget the wrestling. You need a tux for the prom, so we're going to go get you fitted and Ben you can come along because maybe one day, you might be able to go to the prom...maybe."

Ben frowned. "That was mean."

"Let's go boys, I'm off to shower. Be dressed in thirty minutes."

"Mom...seriously..." the boys moaned, searching for interference.

"You heard your father..." she smiled, tilting her head in that playful way she does. "He wants to spend time with you. It's a good thing. Sandwich before you go?"

Thirty minutes later, the boys were stoically sitting in the SUV while their Dad was tapping his fingers against the wheel. "This is going to be a great day. Just us guys. Did you bring a sample of your date's dress, Jon?"

"She gave me like, a ripped off piece of it."

"That is called a ‘swatch'."

"Was I supposed to know that?" Jon asked, confused.

"No, probably not," his dad laughed.

"Why do girls care about all this stuff? I mean, does it matter if I match? I don't really care," Jon said as he went to change the radio station. Jim slapped his hand away and the boy grimaced.

"Apparently," Jim replied, turning into the mall parking lot. "I reserved the limo and everything, she's gonna be impressed."

"Dad, we didn't need a limo. I can drive."

"Oh, after what you did to your mom's car, no way am I letting you drive on Prom night. Ben might drive this SUV into the conference center and I don't think they would let us rebuild that if it happens!"

Ben folded his arms. "One time. One time you drive someone's car into a barn one time and they will never let you live it down."

"Well, you got to build a barn. How many kids can say that?" Jim shrugged smiling at him through the rearview.

"Who would want to say that?" Ben muttered.

"I don't get the big deal about prom. I mean, I know it's about getting dressed up, but it's like a souped up version of homecoming," Jon blurted out, as Jim pulled into an empty parking space.

"I wish I could have gone to homecoming," Ben frowned.

"You could have asked Roy's stepdaughter," Jim snorted as they all stepped out and headed into the mall.

"She's been sending me really weird notes about wanting to lick my skin off..." Ben shuddered at the thought.

The tuxedo shop was tucked in a small corner and it wasn't busy at all. Apparently Jon had waited until the last minute to get his tux. They searched through catalogues and things to find the right fit and Jim held the swatch of dress fabric up to the vest.

"I think this is the right color," he squinted.

"Dad, that's green."

"Isn't this green?" Jim held the swatch up to Jon's face. Jon shrugged in a normal teenaged slacker-dom fashion.

He could careless. It was a color. He wasn't even that excited about prom. All his female prospects had dwindled down to Jessica Stamford, a junior varsity cheerleader. The irony was not gone from the situation. He was after all a football player. Part of him was not amused at the prospect of dating a cheerleader. It was so...predictable. Also, Stacey Kapoor-Bernard was highly upset at his choice of date. She even posted a huge blog about how much he sucked on MySpace.

"It's seafoam or something stupid like that," Jon sighed, flipping through another catalogue.

Ben was fiddling with his iPod while sitting in the corner. "I'm hungry."

"For the fifth time, we know. Okay Jon, what about this?" Jim asked, pointing to one of the color choices for a vest.

"It's close, I guess..." the tall boy shrugged unenthused. He didn't even care enough to deal with the tuxedo shopping. He really would have rather spent his Saturday watching Rambo.

"You guess?" Jim eyed him, frustrated at Jon's indifference.

"This is mom's territory. Colors. And dress clothes," Jon replied. "Plus, I'm getting hungry too."

"You guys are like bottomless pits. You ate sandwiches before we left. And I can do just as good as your mom. Let's try this. Get you measured and then we'll grab some food."

The tailor came out and took Jon's measurements while Jim and Ben watched. Jon couldn't have looked more bored.

Jim watched his son's face. "So, this girl...Jessica. You like her?"

"She's nice. Not hard to look at."

"You sound so in love," Jim said sarcastically.

"She's not exactly my type."

"What's your type?"

"Artsy... maybe even a bit nerdy. With a good sense of humor."

Ben looked up. "You just described Mom!"

"Did not!"

"Did too! Eeewww!" Ben laughed.

Jim frowned. "Your mom's a great woman. It's great Jon wants to find someone with her qualities."

"That's so gross," Jon balked. "I don't want to date my mom."

"Not your mom, someone like her."

"Yeah, I guess. Jessica's nice. I mean, it might even work. I just have to get to know her."

"Or make out with her. You are so lucky," Ben mused.

Jon rolled his eyes. Yeah, all his friends were planning on getting rooms at the hotel near the prom. Jon didn't. Jessica was flexible and limber he was sure but he didn't want to go there with her. Sex, as nice as it would be to have it...wasn't always the end game to him. The guys thought he was crazy but he got that from his dad he guessed. The sensitivity thing.

It was a blessing and a curse. Girls dug him because he wasn't a total douche bag, but he also missed a lot of opportunities to score with some really hot girls because he wasn't a total douche bag.

"So...Jon...are you going to...get intimate with this young lady?" Jim asked nervously.

He didn't know what to say obviously. Jon wondered how his dad's father approached the situation. His dad was a gentleman at heart. Always sensitive to his mom and pulling out chairs and opening doors. His uncle Jon was a bit of a player, but he had since settled down and had kids that lived to annoy their cousins.

"Dad...seriously. Are we having that talk?" Jon whispered, tilting his head towards the working tailor.

"I have sons, boy. I've done this talk several times over," the tailor responded.

"Thank you! See! I just...I mean...last time we did I know it was awkward and weird but we needed to do it. Maybe we need a refresher course."

Jon's eyes widened. "No. Dad...stop."

Jim frowned. "I want to make sure you know to be careful and respectful of her feelings."

"And your changing body's urges," Ben teased.

"Ben, stop, this is serious. For you too. With your skin licking girlfriend," Jim said earnestly.

"She is not my girlfriend. Okay...not yet anyway," Ben smiled. "I have a question, what does teabagging mean?"

"Okay...we are not talking about this here!" Jon exclaimed as Jim scrunched his face in serious contemplation of his fifteen year old's sexual knowledge.

Jim continued,still shocked at Ben, "Um...how about we table Ben's question for later? After I block all the adult channels at home and download a web nanny on our computers and censor his reading...obviously. I want both of my sons to be respectful. To be careful. To be responsible."

"I'm not having sex with Jessica, Dad," Jon said, blushing as the tailor chuckled. "Not Prom night I can promise."

"Okay. But in case you do. Please use something."

Ben couldn't resist. "Oh, he'll be using something alright."

"God, just shutup!" Jon hissed.

Jim eyed the way the tuxedo fit his lanky son. He reminded him so much of himself. "I like that tux. It looks good. You look handsome, like your dear old dad."

"It'll be ready in a week, two days in time for the prom," the tailor replied.

"Great. Dad...please promise you're not gonna take like a hundred pictures before we even get in the limo?"

"You know it. Your mom had like five disposable cameras and her Kodak camera all ready to go snap happy. She's way too excited about you going to prom," Jim grinned devilishly. "We live to embarrass you in anyway we can. It's a benefit of being a parent. Payback for putting her through labor."

"Oh god..." Jon smiled, that was going to turn out to be a fun day.

Ben's stomach growled loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Okay let's pay for the tux before Ben's stomach eats his liver. Come on boys. Burgers okay?"

"Yep, man meat!" Ben said loudly before hearing how that sounds.

Jim and Jon raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, that did sound kind of gross..." Ben conceded and they all laughed.

"Dude, seriously, just get it out of there!" Ben yelled as he stood beside his brother. His friend Kasey has stopped by to play some basketball in the driveway and they watched Jon stand in front of the mailbox for about five minutes before they came over to see what he was staring at. A dead squirrel? A wrongly delivered Playgirl magazine? Something had to be interesting enough to hold his attention. Now the three had been standing in front of the opened mailbox for about ten minutes, just staring at the thick manila envelope.

"I can't. What if it's a rejection letter?"

Ben frowned. "You've been rejected plenty of times! That should have given you some practice. You should be used to it by now!"

"Shutup. This is serious. This is my life," Jon sighed, his hands sweaty and nervous. He couldn't find the courage to open the letter anyway. Even if he was good in school, college was so competitive.

"Well, you've wasted ten minutes of your precious life just staring at the stupid mailbox. Just pull it out!" Kasey snorted.

"I can't!"

Ben rolled his eyes. "I'll do it then! Move!"

"No!"

"Look. It's just a letter. Yes or no. And honestly...if it says no, you can just work at McDonald's. You can be a cashier!" Kasey laughed.

"I hate you both," Jon growled out.

"Why are you even going to Penn State? Why not University of Scranton or Marywood or something?" Kasey asked.

"Three words. Stacey Kapoor-Benard. She applied to them. So therefore, they are not an option."

Suddenly, their mother came out the front door. She has been upstairs painting and she had smudges on her cheek and on her yoga pants. "Jon? Ben? Why are you guys just standing in front of the mailbox?"

Ben smirked at his brother. "Jon's being a wimp and he's afraid his Penn State acceptance letter might have anthrax on it!"

"Hey! Anthrax is not funny!" Pam replied, coming down the driveway herself.

Kasey leaned over to Ben, "Hey man, your mom is seriously a MILF."

Ben elbowed him in the stomach and Kasey doubled over. Pam joined her sons at the mailbox. The family was now standing in front of the mailbox, staring at the envelope.

"Jon, it's too thick to be a rejection letter," Pam stated, trying to assure her son.

"It could totally be a trick. Once, I saw on this show or something, where they sent you a packet on other schools that might accept you now that you have been rejected," Kasey replied.

"Shutup, turd. You did not!" Ben hissed. "What show was that?"

"Um...60 Minutes?"

"You've never watched anything other than MTV2. Come on, Jon, we can't stand here all day. Dad's going to come back from his game and think we're all crazy."

"Mrs. Halpert, can I say, you have nice daisies...um around your mailbox," Kasey said to Pam, looking at her chest and not at her garden at all.

"Um...thanks?" she replied, and Ben elbowed his perverted friend again. "Jon, I promise you that's an acceptance letter. You're brilliant, so that school would be stupid not to let you in. In fact, if they didn't accept you, it'd be a good thing. Because it would obviously be a suck ass school."

"Oh...mom said ass!" Ben snorted.

"Don't you say ass," Pam chastised. "Go ahead, Jon."

"I can't mom! I...my arms are too scared to move!"

Just then, the Halpert SUV pulled up to the family standing on the curb, staring into the mailbox. Jim leaned out the window, sweaty from playing basketball. He smiled at his family and Ben's friend all standing on the curb, doing something weird to the mailbox. "What's going on? Dead squirrel? Or do we get Satelite television in there?"

"Jon's letter from Penn State. He's afraid to open it."

"How thick is it?" Jim asked, pulling the SUV in the driveway and jumping out.

"Could be a set up. Could be a thick rejection letter," Kasey supplied his conspiracy theory.

"Good point," Jim pointed out and patted Jon on the shoulder. "Only way to find out is to open it."

Jon reached his hand in slowly, pulling out the envelope and looking at his parents. He took a deep breath and ripped it open. As he (and everyone else over his shoulder) scanned the first line, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm in!"

"YES!" Pam cheered, doing a fist pump.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Jim clapped.

"Whatever," Ben shrugged.

Jon reread the letter, smiling, then suddenly his faced dropped.

"What?" Pam asked concerned.

"DJ got in last week and Mr. Schrute said he couldn't go. He was supposed to be my roomate."

His mother frowned. "Dwight said that?"

"We'll go talk to him," Jim shrugged.

"No, bad idea, Dad. All you will do is get Mr. Schrute angry. And he'll want to arm wrestle again."

"And I'm not rebuilding ANYTHING else," Ben said crossing his arms.

"That was one time. No seriously, we'll go talk to him and it'll work out, I promise," Jim stated.

Unfortunately, it was not that simple. Not when it came to the Schrutes and the Halperts. Their long standing rivalry continued despite their sons' friendships. And Mr. Shrute had an iron will. So the Halpert family minus Ben ("I never want to see that beet farm or a barn, or anything ever again!") drove down to the Schrute farm to talk the Schrutes into letting DJ attend Penn State and be Jon's roomate.

It didn't start off well. Mrs. Schrute insulted Pam's desire to flaunt her cleavage in her scoop necked blouse and Mr. Schrute opened the door with his bomb sniffing dog (a cockerspaniel) on Jim. The air was tense. Jon watched his father's jaw tighten and his mother's forehead crinkle in frustration. This wasn't going well, and honestly, he wanted one side to consider a retreat and go in a corner to lick their own wounds.But he knew they wouldn't, because they were both stubborn.

"You seriously aren't backing down, are you?" Jim muttered, not even a hint of humor evident in his voice.

"No, I am not. Schrutes do not back down, Jim. It's what got us through two world wars, and hopefully a third."

"God willing there's a third,"Jim replied, crossing his fingers and Pam elbowed him. He was not helping the cause. Unfortunately, Jon knew his dad couldn't resist when around Mr. Schrute. It was like a drug calling him. This was...ungood.

Jon groaned and dropped his head in his hands. Please shutup Dad, just this once.

"Look Dwight," Pam replied, trying to deflect from Jim's insults. She flashed a small smile. "I know we've had our differences. But the boys are best friends and they both got accepted to Penn State, and they want to be room mates. They shouldn't be separated just because you..." her eyes flicked to her husband. "And Jim...can't get along."

"Correction. Jim chooses to harrass and annoy me with his childish and completely unfunny pranks-"

"Oh, they are funny though. I laughed. Alot. Did...did you laugh Pam?" Jim asked and Pam glared at him.

Dwight was undeterred. His face was like a stone statue, his eyes set firmly on Jim's head, glaring, unmoving, evil.

Beside him sat an equally stone faced Angela Schrute, and a frustrated DJ. He knew this wasn't going to work either. He even told Jon to forget it, that he would join the seminary school his mother kept leaving pathlets on. It was no way he could win this war with his parents. Living with a heathen boy like Jon. It was bad enough he chose to be Jon's friend and invited the boy's wickedness into the home.

Pam sighed. "Angela, please help me with this."

Angela spoke up, her voice cold, and straightforward. "There is nothing to help you with, Pam. We would rather Dwight Junior attend a horticulture college nearby, and remain at home. Since Kurt is going to seminary school, we will need his help more than ever."

Kurt, who was sitting on the other side of his father frowned. "Ah man, when did we decide *I* was going to seminary school?!"

Angela glared at him. "It is a blessing to spread the word of Jesus."

"So I have to spread Jesus and DJ spreads fertilizer?! How is that fair?!"

"Quiet boy! It's not like you have any other ambitions," Dwight frowned.

"I said I wanted to go to college!" Kurt insisted. "Clown college!"

"See Dwight, he has an ambition," Jim replied and Dwight leveled another glare at him. "Nothing's wrong with clown college! He could get his master's!"

"You think you are so funny, don't you? This is why I don't want the heir to my beet empire falling prey to your demon spawn's influence," Dwight looked at Jon. "No offense, you're a nice boy, I suspect from your mother's side, but still-"

"None taken," Jon murmured and Jim shook his head in disgust, causing Jon to shift nervously in his seat.

"Clown college is not a college, Kurt. Unless it's a rodeo clown....totally different," Dwight dismissed, waving his hand at an annoyed Kurt.

Pam was irritated, by now, as the conversation had become something completely different from what they were trying to accomplish, getting Dwight to allow DJ to attend Penn State with Jon and be his room mate. "Look, Dwight. This is important to DJ. It's a great school. It has excellent resources for its students and it has alot of majors for him to choose from-"

"None of them would be beneficial to us here at the farm. And that is why, Pam, I believe he doesn't need to go. Look at me. I don't have a fancy college degree and I'm doing just fine. I have my own farm. What can a college degree give me?"

"A bigger farm with a real bathroom," Jim whispered and this time, Jon and Pam did a double glare, causing Jim to apologize. "Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"This is why I don't want my son living with your son. Because you're immature Jim! You're immature and...you're...a poopy head!"

"See Pam. You can't even control your husband, let alone your child," Angela sneered, her left eyebrow arched in high indignation. "I can just imagine all the nipple twisting and animal sacrifice that will go on..."

"You know what Angela-?!" Pam snapped and suddenly everyone started arguing and the table became rowdy as Angela told Jim he sparked such language out from Dwight and Jim was too busy trying to get Dwight to say poopy-head again. Pam was trying to make a point, but no one was listening and instead it was just a bunch of noise.

Finally, DJ spoke up, causing every "HEY! Just forget it! I don't even want to go. God forbid for one moment I want to learn to be my own person! Just forget it, Mom and Dad. I'll stay here and learn to grow beets like a good Schrute and I'll never leave the farm. I'll spread the fertilizer and Kurt will be a Jesus clown or whatever. Happy?" He turned to Jon, "Sorry dude. Have fun in college. I'm going to my room."

With that the boy stomped out the kitchen and Kurt followed. The rest of the table looked guilty and remorseful of their behavior, well everyone...except Dwight.

Angela saw Pam staring at her, and she cleared her throat. "Dwight, can I speak to you in the sitting room for a moment?"

"Don't worry Monkey. I'll punish the boy for speaking that way to us. I think we should take away his right to clean off bird droppings on the scarecrow. That will show him-"

"No, Dwight," Angela stated sternly. "Sitting room. Now."

Dwight's eyes widened and he stood and followed the petite blonde intot he sitting room leaving the Halpert trio alone in the kitchen. Jon leaned over.

"You just couldn't resist could you, Dad?"

"What?"

"Jim," Pam sighed. "You were making things worse. You know what you do to Dwight."

"He asks for it!"

"But for once Dad, just...it could have ruined things. If DJ doesn't go-"

"He's going," Pam promised, patting her son's hand to reassure him. "If your dad can just keep quiet for ten minutes."

Jim sighed. "I hereby promise to stare at the rooster pattern on this vase and not say a thing.  Must be all that nipple twisting we're teaching you."

"Jim!"

"Okay, I'll stop!"

"Thanks, Dad. Or...Poopy-head."

Jim cracked up and Pam shook her head ad Angela and Dwight entered the kitchen and sat back down at the table, stiffly.

Dwight cleared his throat. "It has been brought to my attention that maybe Penn State would be a good learning opportunity for DJ. So...because housing is no doubt inadequate and probably understaffed over there, we will allow him to live with Jonathan during this first year. All subsequent years are up for review of course, under the requirements that his grades are good and there are no felony arrests."

Angela nodded stoically and gave Pam a small awarding smile. Pam smiled back, as Dwight got up.

"Thank you Mr. Schrute! Can I go upstairs and tell DJ?"

"Yes, you may," Dwight replied. Jim stood up as well.

"Thank you, Dwight."

"Don't thank me. Just know I am watching you."

"Okay," Jim replied, shoving his hands in his pockets and biting his tongue.

"Like a hawk."

"Uh huh," Jim sighed out. This was difficult.

"No, better yet, like a Peregrine Falcon-"

"Yeah-" Jim looked at Pam for support. She was talking to Angela, and was no help to him.

"Which can swoop down at the speed of 200 mph, Jim. That's how fast I am."

Jon ran upstairs into the twins' room. "DJ! You're in!! They're letting you go!"

"What?!" DJ stood up, excited. "Wait? What did you do? Threaten to reveal my great grandmother as a Nazi war criminal?"

"No...not this time. Your mom must have convince him!"

They both were happy and excited until Kurt stood up and frowned. "Yippee! Well at least you don't have to cry to sleep to night that you'll never get to live out your dreams to be a clown! Or a mime! I would have settled being a mime! Mimes are just silent clowns.But no! No one's rallying for me to get the right to go to clown college. So yeah! for DJ. Meanwhile, *this* clown has nothing to be happy about."

And with that he stomped out of the room.

"Mom, I think I have enough Ramen Noodles to last me forever," Jon sighed, tossing another pack of dried noodles into his snack pack box under his bed.

"Wait...Jim, did you bring him an extra blanket?" Pam asked, rummaging though the pile of folded clothes on Jon's dorm room bed.

Jim was nursing a soda after lugging box after box up to his son's new room. He almost spit it out. "Did I- Pam, he's coming home for break around when, Thanksgiving? He doesn't need extra blankets."

"What if his legs get cold? He has long legs like you and this building is drafty..."

"Mom," Jon sighed tossing a glance at Ben, who sat in the corner, his arms folded, watching his parents coddle Jon like he was a newborn baby. Plus, he hadn't seen one hot freshman girl yet. "Cut the cord, it's okay."

Pam ignored him, "Well just wear long pants. Make sure you get up for every class. Is your alarm set? Jim, did you give him a roll of quarters for the laundry?"

"Everyone knows freshmen boys don't do laundry, Pam. Come on."

She glowered at her husband's indifference to their first born son being on his own for the first time. Pam turned to the boy and gave a sad smile. "Make sure you eat. Don't do drugs. Don't stay up until three in the morning playing video games..."

"Geez mom, wonder how you would act if Jon was drafted!" Ben said exasperately. "Talk about not cutting the cord, I still see some placenta left over."

Everyone laughed except Pam.

"That's not funny! The Draft is not a joke!" she yelped. "Neither are the horrid placenta and cord references. How'd I raise two vulgar children?"

"Correction," Jon smirked. "Two strapping, smart, edgy, vulgar children!"

Pam frowned at him but her face softened quickly. Tears brimmed her eyes again. She was going to miss him. They had spent all day Friday moving Jon into his room at Penn State. It was a well oiled machine as the boys systematically brought up all of Jon's carefully packed boxes, courtesy of his mother. She then spent her time refolding and putting his clothes away, while his father put up his drafting desk, since Jon's major was Engineering. Ben...was doing what he did best. Nothing.

"Dad, she's crying again," Jon warned.

"Pam..."

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" she said, fanned her face.

Suddenly, the door was forcefully kicked open and Dwight walked in carrying a small box. The Halperts watched as DJ walked in behind him, carrying a huge army duffle bag and frowning. Angela followed with a picnic basket and Kurt walked in too, empty handed.

No one spoke as they watched Dwight pour out the contents of his box. A hunting knife. Pepper Spray. Nunchucks and a pair of brass knuckles. A poncho. A vial of what looks like urine.And... a glow stick miners use to see in the dark.

Jim walked over, cautiously but smiling. "Hey Dwight."

"Not now, I'm about to give these boys a survival lesson."

"What are they trying to survive Dwight?" Jim asked and Angela scowled at his ignorance."This dorm has a great security system and the boys are pretty strong guys."

"This is college, Jim. Anything could happen. Five out of sixty bear attacks happen on a college campus."

"Is that right? Where'd you get that information?"

"Your ignorance on this subject doesn't astound me," Dwight snorted. He picked up the vial of yellow liquid. " See this? Imagine walking alone at night from the library where you were studying-"

"Bear attacks?"

"Of course. And then suddenly someone tries to jump you, from behind-"

"Thats what she said!" Kurt replied and everyone laughed.

Dwight was not amused as he glared at the boy who snapped his mouth shut. "Imagine some college punk walks up to you promising to sell you weed, but you refuse, because drugs are bad, and then he pulls out a pair of nunchucks..."

"Ah, yes. That happens all the time," Jim replied, picking up the nunchucks before Dwight yanked them out of his hand.

"Yes it does, Jim. These boys will need to be prepared. A quick spritz of this to the perp's eyes and they will be dazed enough for a counter attack."

"Question. Is that urine?"

"It's a special recipe, that contains urine."

Everyone groaned in disgust. "Gross..."

Pam scooted over to Angela. "Hey...did you bring extra blankets for DJ?"

Later that day, as they prepared to finally leave the new freshman to their new college experience, Pam clung to her eldest son.

"You have enough money for books?"

"Yeah, Dad gave me his credit card."

Dwight snorted from DJ's side of the room. "Identity theft, Jim, that's what how it happens. Never entrust an 18 year old with your credit card information. Um...hello...ever watch Animal House? I got the boy's books before I came here. Half of them he didn't even need so we skipped those."

Jim and Pam stared blankly at Dwight before Pam focused back on her son. "Okay, get all of your books, and um...any supplies you might need. And extra blanket maybe..."

"Pam, seriously, with the blankets" Jim muttered.

"Um...don't smoke anything. At all. Call us if you need something. Wear your coat when its cold. And if you're going to drink underage, do it responsibly," she continued.

"What your mom means is don't drink, you're not twenty-one. Don't become a pothead. And don't ruin your clothes to get a new wardrobe. And don't waste our money by not getting good grades," Jim said smiling, pulling Pam away so he could give Jon a fatherly manhug. "You'll do fine. Oh and do not use Dwight's nunchucks."

"Thanks Dad. Mom, I'll be okay," Jon reassured them both, grinning as his dad ruffled his hair.

"Ben, come say bye to your brother," Pam called over to Ben, who was lingering in the hallway, looking for chicks.

Ben waved impatiently from the door. He was not one for sentimental goodbyes. Especially since he knew Jon would be home soon anyway, torturing him, annoying him. Being good ole Jon. "See ya at Thanksgiving."

Pam shook her head at his carelessness. She was being way too dramatic about this goodbye. "Ben! Seriously. We won't see him for weeks."

Ben smirked and walked over to Jon, noting Jon's 6' 1" height compared to his own 5'10". He punched Jon in the shoulder, not too hard but hard enough to show brotherly affection. "I'm moving into your room, jerkface."

"I'll kill you first, buttwipe."

"Aw, look Pam. They really do love each other," Jim replied, making a Jim face.

Ben frowned and walked back over to the door as his mother gave Jon another overbearing hug. He hoped when he went to college, his parents wouldn't act as if he was moving to Japan or something.

Angela gave DJ an endearing hug while Dwight went in for a handshake but relented and ended up bear hugging his son. DJ seemed shocked but he patted his father's back to comfort him. Kurt and DJ did some weird dance as a goodbye and when Jon joined in, Jim knew it was time to leave.

The two families said their goodbyes to Jon and DJ and walked quietly back to the cars. Pam cried a bit as they pulled away and Jim did his best to reassure her Jon was growing up and it was okay. Ben didn't get it. They were acting as if Jon was going away to somewhere when he was only a few hours away. It wasn't that big of a deal at all, to Ben. However, with Jon gone, Ben now had the whole house and his parents to himself. Not that Jon hindered that, but it was nice not to share sometimes. He expected to go home and just chill out and enjoy the solitude. Besides, Jon would be having a blast in college, so it wasn't like he was missing out on anything at home.

The family ate dinner quietly, Jon's chair was empty. Pam stared at it and sighed, barely eating her burger. Ben watched his dad watch her, his eyes trying to convey to her that they had to let Jon grow up and it was okay. She didn't seem to care though. She wasn't ready for them to grow up just yet. Jim reached over and patted her knee.

A few days later, as Ben was coming home from school, he walked in on a fight.

"What's wrong with what I said?!"

"You can't be serious!"

"Why not? I'm serious Jim. I thought about it and...I-"

"No, you didn't! Not rationally! You do not want another baby, Pam. That's ridiculous! I mean, we're almost 50!"

"People have babies well into their 50's! It's not that far fetched!"

"I get you miss Jon, but having another baby is like on a mid life crisis type wave, Pam. We just...can't!"

"Ugh!" She threw up her hands and stormed upstairs past Ben. Jim came out of the kitchen behind her, noticing Ben standind confused by the stairs. He ran a hand over his face and gave a sad smile.

"Your mom's just...she's having a hard time with you guys growing up."

Ben shifted uncomfortably. He never really saw his parents argue before. "So...are you going to have another...baby?"

Jim gave a bitter laugh. "Not in this lifetime, kiddo. She's just...ranting. She'll get better, I promise."

The next morning, a lazy Saturday, Ben rolled over, staring right into a pair of wild hazel eyes. He blinked for a minute, his mind slowing processing, before he leaped back in his bed, trying to firgure out where the eyes came from.

She giggled, and pointed at him. A pre-teen girl with brown hair and big eyes, wearing an old and faded Dunder Mifflin Fun Run shirt and shorts. Ben blinked again, wondering was he dreaming some weird thing involving paper. He would have to blame his parents for this, surely their attachment to Dunder Mifflin was filtering into their children's dreams. But blinking didn't make the girl disappear, in fact she still there and they were immersed in some weird staring contest.

He glared back at her, pulling his covers over his boxers. "Who are you and what are you doing in my room?"

The little girl swayed back and forth in a whimsical way, biting at her bottom lip. "Boy, you sure wake up and ask alot of questions."

"Well...that's what happens when strange little girls are in my room. Now who are you?"

"Alot of little girls come in your room?" She asked, her face scrunched in disgust. "How old are you?"

"No, that's not...Get...get out!" He yelped, clutching his covers to him.

"Miss Pam said I hafta come and wake you up," the girl said dismissively, walking over to Ben's desk and playing with some items on it.

This was not a way to wake up on Saturday, Ben thought. He was definitely planning on vegging severely for most of the day, maybe rolling over a few times, but nothing drastic like...leaving his room. Of course, this strange girl and his parents had other plans.

The girl dropped something on the desk in a loud clank and Ben frowned. "Hey! Don't touch that! Would you like it if I came in your room and broke one of your dolls?"

"I'm eleven, I don't play with dolls," she replied back, walking towards him again. She sat on the edge of the bed and picked up a basketball. "Your dad's so tall. My dad says they are best friends. That he is the reason your parents had you. You should thank him, you know. My dad, I mean."

Ben shook his head. Against his better judgement, he asked, "Wait, who's your dad? Michael?"

"Michael Gary Scott. He had an emergency. My mom went to rehab...again, and Daddy had improv, so...here I am! Isn't that cool?! Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab all the time. Maybe my mom will meet Lindsay and get me an autograph!"

Okay, well that explains the weirdness. He remembered Jessica, Jan and Michael's adoptive daughter. She was a bit hyper, way too nosey for her own good...and annoying, as evident by her refusal to leave his room. The question was why was she in his room, on a Saturday morning? Ben rubbed his face with his hands. "Well Jessica, sorry to disappoint you, but your mom isn't in rehab in California. But anything can happen in rehab, I guess. Can you run downstairs and tell my mom I'm up?"

She shook her head. "Your mom told me not to trust you. That you would just lock me out and go back to sleep."

Ben crossed his arms, "I'm not moving until you leave, I need to put on my pajama pants."

The little girl shrugged. "I've seen men in boxers before. My dad found a pair in the laundry one time. They weren't his. Mom said she found them off the street and decided to wash them. Do boys really just throw their boxers in the street like that?"

"Um...no. I don't...no," Ben replied confused. "I just really think I want to put some pants on."

"That's what she said," Jessica replied, smiling.

"Wow, you're way too young for those type of jokes!"

"Dad says it all the time. Your mom's downstairs painting. And your dad, wow. He's like a mutant, with how tall he is. Seriously-"

"You said that already."

"But he's nice because he made me pancakes. I betcha you wish you had a little sister!"

Ben shook his head. "No. No I don't wish that."

"I always wanted a big brother, or a dog. Maybe even a goldfish."

He rolled his eyes. This was going to be a LONG day.

"Where's the other one? Ya know...the cute one?"

Ben scowled. "I am the cute one."

Jessica shrugged. "You're not my type. But really, where'd he go?"

"You sure ask alot of questions," Ben sat back, his head knocking against his headboard. "He's in college."

"Do you miss him?"

"Not in particular," Ben lied. In fact, he did miss Jon.

"Okay...well, see ya downstairs," she replied, leaving his room finally.

Ben walked downstairs a few minutes later, to see Jim sitting at the breakfast bar and Jessica in the living room watching The Cheetah Girls. He shuffled past his dad, and muttered a good morning.

"Afternoon," Jim corrected, smiling.

"Hey...um...what's with the little girl? Especially the part about her scaring the bejeebus out of me this morning."

Jim looked over to Jessica and shrugged. "Your mom paid her five dollars to scare you. Best five dollars she ever spent, I say. Michael had to go improv. Or rather, I told him to go to improv and we'll keep Jessica for him. As an experiment, ya know. Your mom thought it would be a good idea to...have a girl for a day."

Ben reached in the fridge to get some juice. "You set this up to derail the baby thing, didn't you?"

"And it's working like a charm," Jim replied, smiling brightly. "She's already broken a vase, messed up one of your Mom's wet paintings, and insulted her like only Jan can."

Ben pumped up a fist. "Score."

"In fact, I think your mom is so irritated with kids, she wants to give you up for adoption."

"Let's not get crazy," Ben replied, drinking his juice.

Jim nodded and looked at his son. "Hey...um...want to go play hoops? Just you know...me and you? Catch up on some stuff."

Ben tilted his head and smiled. "Sure, that'd be fun."

Jessica gave a squeal and started prancing around when a Cheetah Girls song came on. She flailed her arms in the air and sang along with an equally annoying high pitch as Jim and Ben watched in horror. Pam walked in and stood her eyes widened.

"Dear god, does she ever get tired?"

Jim's eyes were wide, as he whispered to his son, "Please...hurry and get dressed Ben. Before she drives me insane."

"Come on, Pam. If I don't go Michael will come here. He's divorcing Jan, and he's feeling lonely. It's either we go there or he comes here and he won't leave once he gets a whiff our Christmas cookies. He'll force his way in. Do you want that? In our home? On your conscience?!"

Pam furrowed her brow. "Don't put this on me. You had a whole year to make up some excuse..."

"Well...I'm sorry. I'm getting older Pam, and I can't think as quickly or efficiently as I used to," Jim replied back, his face equally stoned. This year was even worse apparently, than any other Christmas parties for Dunder-Mifflin. "Besides, this is the 25th Anniversary Christmas Episode."

"Is that supposed to sway me?"

"Okay, let's look at it rationally. Michael and the camera guys in our home, intruding on our personal space. Or...and get this...we go to the office, drink bad punch, do a talking head and leave in an hour and we get to enjoy our own family, in the privacy of our home. Without. Michael. Again, without-"

"Okay. I get it! It's like asking someone do you want to be kicked in the groin or the face," Pam said solemnly.

"Excellent and graphic analogy," his Dad snorted, before burying his head into his open palms in frustration. He also whispered, "And so true."

Ben didn't see a problem. It was just a stupid Christmas party. He's been to a few of Dunder-Mifflin's festivities and let's just say, they were always interesting. Besides he would miss this soon enough. It was his senior year and he'd soon be out of Scranton and off to one of the colleges of his choice. Whichever was the farthest and the one with the highest girl to guy ratio. Little Benjamin Halpert was growing up, becoming a man, as his mother kept saying randomly whenever she remembered he was leaving soon. She also runs her hands through his hair and gets teary eyed when she says it. She's so weird...

He sipped his punch and stared back out to the night sky, before hearing an "Ahem..." behind him. Ben turned to see Jon sitting in a chair in the corner of the conference room, drumming his fingers, smiling.

"Merry Christmas, little brother."

"Ughhh..." Ben grunted, and rolled his eyes, turning his back to his brother. "I thought you would have made enough friends that you wouldn't be home for break this year."

"You were wrong. Friends are overrated anyway and...Mom didn't want me in that apartment with no decorations, and seeing that annoyed look on your face makes me happy..." Jon replied simply, grinning even wider. "Besides, ya know you missed me."

"How can I miss you when you are always home?" Ben shot back. "Besides, why aren't you out there mingling with your godfather Michael? How did you even get here?"

"DJ, his father threatened him to show up or he'll cut him from his will," his big brother said, furrowing his brow. "And Dad debunked that godfather theory several times during my life. And I'm in here with you because Mr. Schrute is out there and he's reading DJ the riot act for him letting his hair grow past his ears and he usually blames me right after. I'd rather not be involved in that."

"Where are my parents?" Ben rolled his eyes. "I haven't seen them since I dipped out and hid in the bathroom until the coast was clear."

"Mom's talking to Ms. Meredith, or trying to wake her up. I'm not quite sure which. Dad is hanging out with Kevin. And...the camera crew is waiting for you to do a talking head," Jon smirked.

"I don't want to do this talking head thingy yet. Stall me for a minute. Tell me what you got mom and dad for Christmas..."

"So you can steal my ideas and use them as your own? Hell no," Jon grumbled, sitting back and folding his arms. He looked so much like his dad now it was scary. Except he kept his hair cut a bit shorted, but it still fell near his face. He was even trying to grow a patch of decent facial hair, in a way to say he was past eighteen, but not quite twenty-one. He certainly had that pretty boy college emo thing happening.

Ben turned towards him, "Whatever. Just so you know, I got you some Spiderman underwear, so your girlfriends will appreciate the gesture. And I got Mom a necklace and Dad...well three tickets to a 76ers game, courtesy of Uncle Jon. Grandma Beesly's coming down. Nana Halpert and aunt Larissa's family.  And Uncle Jon and his evil spawns are coming in the morning, so..."

"Ah. How can one afford all those things working at Bosco's Pharmacy? Making...what's that? Pennies an hour?"

Ben shook his head. "I'm making like seven, so suck it..."

"Touché!" Jon said, holding up his cup. "So tell me, little bro...what schools are you looking at attending? Or is it straight to prison for you first?"

"I'm looking out of state, like University of Hawaii...for the chicks, of course."

"University of Alaska sounds good too and it's far. Cold though...but that can always be used as an excuse...for some things."

Ben laughed, and waved a middle finger at Jon. "Yeah, I checked the chick to dude ratio, and nah...too much work.  I was thinking about Brown...Dad was happy when I mentioned Brown University."

"Brown?! Wow, that's a good school. I've been to like...a few parties there," Jon was quiet for a moment before adding, "I need to talk to Dad about that too..."

"Brown? Ah, come on Jon, I don't want you transferring to Brown, cockblocking and-" Ben started to protest.

Jon shook his head, cutting his brother off.  "No, dillweed. I um...I was thinking of transferring back home...to Marywood or something."

"Seriously?" Ben asked, tilting his head, looking at his brother for the first real time. Jon was biting his thumb just like his dad did sometimes when he was in deep thought. That gesture, albeit small, amazed Ben at what they each took from their parents. Ben himself was like their mother with the curly reddish-brown hair, a cursed height that paled in comparison to his paternal side, and the perky nose, unlike Jon who inherited their father's nose. The boys were so similar but so much different.

"Yeah...I mean, I've been taking some liberal arts classes as electives and...I'm really into how the brain works. Or in your case, why it doesn't. I can change my major. Plus...DM has been laying people off, and DJ's always getting emails from his dad about him having to start up a deer jerky business to make ends meet. It would down costs if I just move back ho-"

Ben scowled."Hell no. You leave, you stay gone. Got it, Jon- boy?"

Jon frowned and mouthed "Jon boy?"

"You apply for a loan or something. You work a job. But you do not come home and torture me my senior year," Ben lectured.

Jon frowned. "You can't tell me what to do."

"No seriously, doesn't your school have that major? Just stay there. DJ's there! Yeah, you and DJ are ‘besties forever' right?!"

"This is to help mom and dad."

Ben looked a bit melancholy at the revelation; he turned back to his window, his winter wonderland. Tomorrow, the snow would be dirty from cars; it'll look wet and nasty. "No, I guess...you're right. I mean, Dad's been trying not to act stressed but I can tell something's going on. But it doesn't mean you should come home, though. Exhaust all options to never come home...got it?"

"Gosh, you're such a caring and thoughtful brother. Here, take one of these," Jon said, putting up his middle finger.

"HEY! Stop that! We do not flip off people during Christmas!" Pam yelped as she came into the conference room.

"Who's being flipped off?" Jim asked, coming in right behind her. "Not on Christmas guys. Jesus' birthday, and all."

"Sorry mom," the boys said in unison.

Pam smiled, straightening out her red sweater. "So...the producer is waiting to talk to you guys."

"Why are they so interested in us? Or this? Or you guys?!" Ben wondered, as his mom's smile dropped. "It's just...we're kind of boring people. No way could this stuff be important."

"Wow, that's...harsh, don't you think?" Jim muttered as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

Ben shook his head. "No...I just mean...I know you guys had that show but seriously, how many people actually saw it? It was a billion years ago, right?"

"Actually," Jon spoke up. "In my class on American television and film, 'The Office' was quite popular and the subject of many internet sites and had a pretty big viewing audience. Imagine me, sitting there and having to hear how awesome ‘Jim and Pam' were...as I vomited into my book bag."

Jim smirked. "You wouldn't exist if that wasn't true, now would you?"

"That's disgusting," Jon gagged and Jim playfully smacked him upside his head.

Just then Becca, the PA popped into the conference room, smiling brightly at the Halpert clan. "Oh! Great! I found you. Are you guys ready to do some interviews?"

The Halperts all looked at her wide eyed before glancing nervously at each other.

Ben's Talking Head:

"Wow, that's a bright camera light..." Ben winced as it trained on him. The lady was nice, kind of hot in a way, for an older lady. He wondered if she dates younger men. He's barely listening to her; her chest is actually an interesting focal point. The camera man notices and winked at him, and Ben gets uncomfortable. He's seen breasts before; he's not mesmerized or anything.

She asked him about his parents, and how it feels to be their second born son, like it was a privilege or an honor bestowed upon him, like prince hood or something.

"I mean...they're my parents. They're alright...as far a parents go. I could have worse; I could have Mr. Schrute as my dad. Or Mrs. Kapoor Bernard as my mom. She's crazy. All of her daughters are complete stalkers," he shivered at the thought. "Wow. Thank god. But I guess fate dealt me a good hand and gave me to them. Dad's pretty laid back and mom's...my friends are always commenting on her and sometimes I have to kick their ass. Ya know. But yeah, I mean we're not the Brady Bunch or anything. We aren't going to form a band or something weird like that."

She began to talk again, and he tried to focus on the camera, and his throat felt constricted in the button down shirt he has on, so he unbuttoned the top button. She asked him has he ever watched the show.

"Why would I do that? God, it sounds boring. ‘The Office'...really, what does that even mean? Who thought up that riveting title? No...ESPN. Or G4. Sometimes I watch TLC...but that's just if I'm bored."

He doesn't know if that's what they want to hear but this is who he was. Smart ass teenaged Benjamin Halpert, second born son of the so-called ‘awesome' Jim and Pam, who still has a whole world out there to look forward to. He's kind of smug, slightly annoying, and his hair and eyes are his mom's. But that's him and this talking head stuff isn't his cup a tea because he's not a pretty boy charmer like Jon.

When she asked him does he think his parents still have a spark now that they are married with kids, he grimaced like only a Halpert could.

"Dude, they're my parents. I mean...would you be able to answer that about your parents?" Ben looked repulse. "Would you want to answer something like that? That's just gross. Seriously..."

 Jons's Talking Head:

"Jonathan Matthew Halpert..."

He stated his name confidently, and Becca, the interviewer, blushed a bit. She was older (a little too old for him), in her late twenties, and she smelled like cigarette smoke, but he was only being flirty because he could. Not that he hasn't dated older women. Last month he totally dated a senior in at Penn, which is pretty damn good for a sophomore. It's the Halpert charm, his uncle Jon would say, passed down to every Halpert man, well everyone except Jim. Apparently Jim's charm got mixed in with actual sensitivity and he had to make it work for him, his uncle would joke. Jon sat back in the chair, the light was on him, and he listened as she began to question him.

"Do I see the irony of DJ and I being best friends? Oh totally. Always have. I remember coming home and telling Dad that I had a new best friend and his name is DJ and I wanted him at my birthday party. I was like...seven? Eight, maybe. And I remember Mr. Schrute turning beet red, pun definitely intended, when he showed up to Chucky Cheese and it was for my birthday party. Dad just stood in shock, while Chucky was singing ‘Welcome to Cheeseland' or something. It was like the scene of a horror movie. Good times...good times..."

Behind him in the break room Kevin was doing a rendition of "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw, and it was a bit distracting.

"Do I think my parents would have gotten together even if they hadn't been on the show? I honestly don't know. But thank god they did, or you wouldn't be having the pleasure of my company. I mean..." he shifted in his seat, thinking seriously about the question. "I think my parents probably would have loved each other even if they met outside of here. It's so weird because they are probably the two most fated people I know. And I'm not talking about the Romeo and Juliet love, because I think they killed themselves at the end and that's kind of an overreaction...but it's like...they just fit. They're the ‘lid to each other's pot' is what my gram says all the time. I look at my mom and dad, and I can just see they love each other and always will. It's a good feeling...to know you come from that."

Jim's Talking Head:

Jim was smiling ear to ear, his lanky arms folded, nodding, "Yeah, those are my boys. Jon and Ben. They're pretty amazing. I'm proud of both of them," then his face began to drop, "Why? Did they do something? Did anyone get hurt? Is anything on fire?"

He was used to these interviews, but time had left him rusty. Every five years they pop back up for a reunion episode or something, but they had mostly left everyone alone. He was happy to be able to have his family out of that spotlight, that microscope. Twenty years ago, he wouldn't have thought those cameras were important, he didn't think they would last six months in the office, but they did and they caught everything. Even things he tried to hide, from them and everyone else.

The interviewer was younger, someone new. Most of the producers from then were older and he kind of missed them. He was used to them.

"Um yeah, it's sad because Stanley passed away from a heart attack three years ago. Toby's retired last year, Michael got a moon bounce and clowns. It was fun, the party, even though Toby had already been gone a month before that. And Phyllis moved away with Bob Vance to Phoenix..." he looked confused as the interview asked her questions.

"Michael said....wow; no Creed is not ‘dead'. I think when he said Creed's no longer ‘with us' he meant Creed is in a retirement home. Or no...he really might think he's dead. I have to go investigate that one."

He lived a good life, a full one. He had no idea what these twenty years would have been if he hadn't worked at Dunder-Mifflin. There he met the love of his life, lost her, and then got her back. There he worked hard to support her while she went to art school, and there he was when his first child was brought into the world.

"Ryan's...Ryan's still in that Indonesian Prison for drug trafficking, but Kelly, who writes him often, says he might get out in a few years. So...write your local congressman please," Jim said seriously.

Life was funny. He was so much older now, so much wiser. He could think back to a hundred ways he could have approached all these things differently. He thought back to how these very cameras caught him kissing Pam in the low lit room on a spring afternoon, when she was engaged to another man. He could have done that differently, but why? It turned out just the way it was supposed to, with her as his wife and the mother of his children.

"Pranking Dwight...I don't necessarily prank him anymore...he's gotten pretty keen to my tricks. I mean, now and again I'll get him, like last week when I locked him out of his own computer for the whole day. I know I'm too old for all of that. But he's never too smart not to fall for it," Jim smiled.

Pam's Talking Head

"Merry Christmas to you too!" she waved at the camera. "It's been awhile since I've done this, I'm so not used to the camera anymore."

The interviewer was a young girl and she seemed to be a bit enamored with Jim, but Pam didn't mind. Jim was a funny and charming guy, and no doubt in her mind he could still attract women. But he didn't. He was all hers and hers alone. She kind of missed not having the camera there. They had been her go to guys for so many things. If Michael was doing something ridiculous they were right there. If Andy was being a douche bag, they were zooming right on it. If Angela quirked an eyebrow, the camera got it. She was sad when she left Dunder-Mifflin. But she decided to teach art for a living, and it was better for Jim and Jon (Ben hadn't been born yet). She loved her new job and still does to this day.

"The boys can be a handful but they are the best thing that ever happened to us. Jon's just like Jim. He is Jim, actually. He's funny and he's got this way about him, just like his dad. And Ben, Ben is the baby. He's just...he's so smart and he gets that sarcasm from me. They both...they're just great kids and I thank god everyday for them..." she said smiling, before soberly asking, "Why? Did they do something? Set something on fire?"

She owed a lot to this place. If she never worked here, if she never met these people, no doubt her life might have turned out a bit differently. She thought of a ten year relationship, to a man who she loved but no longer was in love with. She thought of all the lessons about herself she learned. How she knew she definitely did not want to be a receptionist. How she gained good friends with Angela, Kelly and Phyllis. How all these people touched her life in some kind of way. Especially Jim.

"I guess I should thank you, the show I mean. I feel like this show and this office did so much for me. Sometimes I hated it. Sometimes I wanted to tell Steve exactly where to shove that camera. Then there were says when I just...I had no one to talk to and you guys were it. And then it was times where I felt self conscious because you were there, drawing attention to things I didn't want you to draw attention to. But in the end...it turned out the way it was supposed to. I have a loving, amazing husband. I have two beautiful children. And I learned about me. So...that's why I want to say, thank you. No really..." she wiped a tear from her cheek as the raw emotions hit her. "Thank you."