From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 5, 2006 9:05 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Mondays suck

Hi Sweetheart,

Well, here it is Monday morning and I am at work…barely. Dan and I ended up staying up most of the night, talking. I hadn’t seen him since February, and we had a lot to catch up on. We got my stuff moved into the new apartment, but it wasn’t exactly fit for human habitation, so we spent one last night at the Hampton Inn. He left this morning at about 8.

My new bed arrives this evening, so I will be able to start living in the new place. But talk about empty. You know what I would really like? One of your watercolors. You don’t have to take one off your wall, but I’m sure you must have one or two stashed away somewhere that I could have. I’m not fussy about the subject, just love the artist.

My lip is fine, you will be happy to know. Have you seen Roy? He seemed okay when he left, but I still worry.

Okay...I’ve got to go. Got a ton of work to do here, especially since I am leaving Thursday. I miss you.

Love, Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 5, 2006 9:32 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Mondays suck

Dear Jim,

Glad to hear you are all moved in. Have you got a Linens and Things near you? That’s a good place to go for sheets and a new toaster, stuff like that. Or Bed Bath and Beyond. That’s good too.

Of course you can have a painting. I’ll look through the ones I have in the closet and see if I can find an appropriate subject. Or I could paint you a portrait. How about Dwight? Life Sized? In his Deputy Sheriff’s uniform? Actually, they’re teaching a watercolor course over at the Y on Tuesday and Thursday nights, starting next week. It’s just a few weeks, but it might be fun, to get back in practice. I haven’t painted anything in quite a while.

The new guy, Salesman Number 2 started this morning. Let’s see. His name is Dave and he is of average height, average weight, of average looks, and his big aim in life, as far as I can tell is to be the world’s best paper salesman. I’m sure his bizarre idiosyncrasies will show up any minute now, but as of right now...have I mentioned the word average? Dwight is delighted with him.

The party planning committee is meeting later today to discuss tomorrow’s 6/6/06 party. What are appropriate refreshments, do you think? Brownies seem anti-apocalyptic, somehow. How about pretzels?

I passed Roy this morning in the parking lot. He’s back to grunting at me, so I guess everything is okay.

Janice called me last night, and invited me over for dinner Friday night. That is so nice of them. This weekend is going to be very hard for me, for a lot of reasons.

I miss you.

Love, Pam

From: Dschrute

Sent: June 5, 2006 9:31 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Confidential

Pamela:

You are a woman. And right now, I have urgent need of the services of a woman, such as yourself. Are you free this evening for an hour or two? If so, can you meet me at 314 Market St. at 7:00 PM?

The nature of this mission is extremely urgent and is of utmost secrecy. Please do not convey by any word or hint anything about this to anyone, including, and especially, Angela.

We can negotiate a suitable recompense.

I hope I can trust you. Please respond to this e-mail ASAP.

Dwight K. Schrute

Assistant Regional Manager

Dunder Mifflin, Inc.

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 5, 2006 10:06 AM

To: Dschrute

Subject: re: Confidential

Dear Dwight,

I would be delighted to accompany you on your mission. I will meet you at 7:00.

Question: Will we need passwords?

Pam

From: Dschrute

Sent: June 5, 2006 10:08 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Confidential

Pamela:

Passwords will not be necessary, as we already know each other from work, so recognition will not be a problem. However, that was very good thinking.

Dwight K. Schrute

Assistant Regional Manager

Dunder Mifflin, Inc.

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 5, 2006 10:31 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Threat Level Noon

Dear Jim,

I am sitting here trying not to burst out laughing. I am forwarding an e-mail I just got from Dwight. Yes…Dwight. He wants my services. Don’t worry…I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant. Anyway, I am going to meet him tonight. I’m way too curious not to. I will let you know the scoop as soon as I know it. But oh, Jim…I wish you were here.

Love, Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 5, 2006 10:31 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: Threat Level Noon

Dear Pam,

Well, you certainly know how to liven up a Monday! I wonder what he is planning. Of course you have to go. I mean, who can turn down an urgent mission? Possibly lives are at stake. Maybe the fate of the free world! Where’s Samuel L. Chang when you need him? Keep me updated.

PS: I wish I were there too.

Love, Jim

From: LegalDan

Sent: June 5, 2006 11:45 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Hello

Dear Pam,

I just wanted you to know how really nice it was to meet you yesterday. Jim has been talking about you for ages, and you’ll be happy to know that you actually live up to the hype.

Jim is a great guy, the best. Has he told you any of the stories about what we got up to in college? Oh...the pranks we pulled. Where do you think he learned all of the stuff he’s done at work? Oh...and ask him to tell you the goat story!

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I have never seen Jim this happy. He’s not quite the ladies man one might suspect; though he can turn it on when he wants to. But he hardly ever wants to, and so he’s been alone for way too long.

My girlfriend, Judy, and I are talking about getting married as soon as I pass the bar. And I’ve been really hoping that someday Jim would find the same kind of thing I have. Looks like he has.

Anyway..great meeting you, and I hope that we will all get together again soon.

Dan

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 5, 2006 12:02 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Dan

Hi.

I just got the nicest E-mail from your friend Dan. He says I make you happy, which was really a great thing to hear. He also says to ask you to tell me the goat story.

Love, Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 5, 2006 12:02 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: Dan

Dear Pam,

Yeah...Dan’s a great guy, but he’s also a pathological liar. There is no goat story.

Though he was telling the truth when he said you make me happy.

Oh...my cel phone is acting peculiar. I charged it, but it won’t keep the charge. I have to bring it into the phone place tomorrow (no time today) and see if they can fix it or give me a new one. I don’t have a phone yet at my apartment. I wasn’t in any rush since ...I have a cel phone! Anyway, I’ll try to get one by tonight. If not I’ll talk to you tomorrow...I’m dying to hear about your adventure with Dwight.

Love, Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 6, 2006 9:12AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: re: Threat Level Noon

Dear Jim,

Oh. My. God.

Okay, last night I met Dwight at 7:00 PM at 314 Market St.. It turns out to be a jewelry store. And no...we didn’t rob it. Dwight and I were there to pick up…an engagement ring! For guess who! Remember...I told you it was her birthday.

Poor Dwight was having last minute anxiety attacks, which is why he recruited me to come with him and give him moral support, or something. (Since I have so much experienced at being engaged, I guess) Actually he had asked my advice on Valentine’s Day, also. At that time I advised him against getting her a ham. And I guess that worked out well for him, so…I have become his new romance advisor.

He was worried that the ring might be too gaudy...Angela hates gaudy, and he was worried about surprising her...Angela hates surprises. Poor guy. I actually felt really sorry for him.

Anyway, the ring was perfectly nice, though small. Certainly not gaudy. I can’t see why she wouldn’t like it, even if she didn’t pick it out herself. Anyway, I reassured him, several times, and let him buy me a cup of tea and a muffin, as "recompense."

Of course, once the Angela cat was out of the bag, so to speak, Dwight just wouldn’t stop talking. I got to hear all about Angela’s biological clock and how he wants a short engagement so he can get right to producing many Schrute children. And way too many other clinical details to mention. (TMI! TMI!)

He also had many grandiose schemes for proposing, one worse than the next. I told him to keep it simple. We women really don’t need all that crazy stuff. There has to be a middle ground between hiring the Goodyear blimp and saying, "Hey, let’s move in together, and if you really want to we could even get married." (Exact quote from somebody who shall remain nameless)

So anyway, that’s the big news of the day. He’s giving her the ring tonight. In the meanwhile I have been sworn to secrecy. Shhh. Don’t tell anybody.

Love, Pam

PS: I really need to hear that goat story.

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 6, 2006 9:15 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: re: re: Threat Level Noon

Dearest Pam,

Arggh! I can’t believe that I am missing all of this. A Dwight/Angela engagement! It’s true...the apocalypse has come. Right on schedule. Can you imagine flocks of Schrute offspring running around, raised on beets and discipline, plotting world domination? Heaven help us all!

Last night I braved Linens and Things. That place is scary! But I did manage to buy sheets and blankets, a new toaster and a clock radio! No more angry buzzer. I’ve got blinds so I’m going to hold off on curtains and stuff until you can come visit me, and help me out. I never decorated my old place…I just let it evolve.

My bed arrived and I slept on it last night. It’s such a boring mattress...all flat and even…where’s the adventure? I even set up my computer so I can e-mail in the privacy of my own home...even though you still have to read it at a public reception desk. So I still can’t tell you what it is you do to me.

The goat story. I can’t believe Dan did that to me. The goat story is a joke that Dan and I used to pull on each other in college. He would introduce me to some girl, and then say, "and make Jim tell you the goat story. It’s incredible." Then he’d leave. And there was no goat story. Only the girl wouldn’t believe that. She’d think I just wasn’t telling it because it was dirty, or gross or embarrassing, or any combination thereof. And she would pester me and hound me to tell her, until I had to escape.

Of course I pulled it on him when he met Judy. To this day, she still believes that there is a goat story, and we just won’t tell her. And of course, I still manage to bring it up at least once a year, so she won’t ever forget. Maybe I’ll tell her the truth on their wedding day. Maybe.

Back to work. Even if the world is ending…we must have paper!

Love, Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 6, 2006 4:05 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: 6/06/06

Dear Jim,

I am writing to you from the lamest party in a long history of lame parties at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. First of all, Michael insisted on an Apocalypse theme, so Angela refused to have anything to do with the planning, and is currently boycotting the party, even though it is actually her birthday. When looking for a place to be other than here, I suggested the roof. And then Dwight disappeared shortly thereafter. So, one can only imagine what they are doing up there, but it probably doesn’t include grilled cheese sandwiches. (Their loss)

Anyway, down here in the office we have Michael dressed as Damian from The Omen. However, since Damien pretty much looks like everybody else, Michael’s’ costume mostly consists of him going around telling people that he is Damien from the Omen. I really think he should have gone for the head tattoo, myself. The refreshments consist of Devil Dogs, some sort of a horrible red Jell-O concoction that Phyllis saw on a Halloween episode of Good Eats, and my contribution, pretzels. Okay..my heart really wasn’t in it. Add a couple of black streamers, and there you have it. Oh, and of course we have a birthday cake for Angela, but since she won’t come down, it’s uncertain when we are going to serve it. I tore myself away from the excitement and came over here to write to you.

That goat story is hilarious. Unless, of course, you are lying through your teeth.

Oops..."Damien" has just announced that Angela or no Angela we are going to have her birthday cake. It is mint chocolate chip after all, and ice cream cake waits for no man (or woman).

Love Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 6, 2006 9:02 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: 6/06/06

Dear Pam,

Well, 6/6/06 is almost over, and it looks like the world has survived after all. Mitch in my office was a little disappointed, I think, but you can’t please everyone.

I’m sorry that your party was so lame. Actually ours was really good. (Sorry) We didn’t go for any theme…everybody just brought in different kinds of food. I brought chips and dip, because my kitchen is less than functioning right now. Maggie, in accounting, brought in these amazing Swedish meatballs. And there was some other really good stuff, too. Anyway, it was mostly a chance for everybody to get to know me a little better, and vice versa. Of the people I work with now, I think I really like Pete, one of our salesmen. He’s a really good guy, about my age, with a good sense of humor. I was telling him about Dwight, and some (a very edited version) of the pranks you and I pulled on him over the years. Maybe we can go out with him and his wife, sometime, when you come to visit me in Stamford.

Anyway, I am sitting here in my new empty apartment, wishing I had a phone that works. Tomorrow night, for sure. I’ve been simultaneously unpacking my boxes, and packing for Australia. It’s a little confusing...I may end up landing in Sydney with a suitcase full of pots and pans.

I’m not too sure what to bring, clothes-wise. According to what I’ve googled, the weather this time of year is in the 50s, so I guess jeans and sweaters, etc. Not exactly the beach weather I was hoping for. But it should be warmer when I get to the barrier reef, since it’s farther north. I am snorkling for sure.. even if it’s snowing.

Speaking of snow…I was unpacking some stuff from my desk drawer at work and I discovered a manila folder that I had just stuck in a box when I packed up my desk. Well, I opened it and found a treasure. That sketch you did of me the very first week you started at D-M. Do you remember that? I think you did it that day when it snowed and we had the pizza party. It’s me sitting at my desk, kinda leaning back in my chair, with one hand behind my head and one on the armrest. I have kind of a quizzical look on my face. I wonder what I was thinking. It’s a great sketch.

Do you remember how miserable you were that first day? I’ll never forget it. And then somehow, the next thing I know you were helping me out with some prank against Dwight...I forget which one it was. Was it the nickels? That was a classic. And that’s when it became you and me against the (Dunder Mifflin) world.

Anyway that sketch is going up on my wall, as soon as I hit the frame store.

I guess I should go. I’m leaving really early Thursday morning for LA. I wasn’t going to bring my laptop with me (hello…vacation!) but Josh asked me to, just in case they needed to get in touch with me…emergencies only, he assured me. But the good news is that I will be able to check my e-mail everyday. You are the one person I would actually like to hear from while I’m away. The rest of the world can just go away.

At least I’ll have my phone tomorrow night. I really need to talk to you before I leave. I miss you.

PS: What happened with Dwight and Angela?

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 7, 2006 10:45 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Dwight/Angela

Dear Jim,

Well, it’s official! Dwight and Angela are engaged! She came in this morning positively glowing. And Dwight is crowing like a rooster. It’s the funniest thing. They are really actually kind of cute. And I never realized that Angela is so pretty. They’ve already set a date for the wedding. (!) August 26. So mark your calendar, since I fully expect to be invited, and I’ll need a date.

Anyway Michael is totally beside himself. I don’t know whether he’s happy for Dwight or totally jealous. I’m leaning towards jealous. First of all, he had no inkling that they were even together. I thought his jaw was literally going to hit the floor when Dwight made his big announcement. So he feels all betrayed by Dwight’s not confiding in him. However, given Michael’s track record with secrets, can you blame him? But Dwight did make up for it by asking Michael to be his Best Man. You know I could offer to be a bridesmaid...I already have a dress…three of them in fact. Though Angela might consider them gaudy...since they aren’t gray.

Oh, and then there’s Kelly. Totally devastated that prissy, stuck up Angela is getting married before she is. I’ve been consoling her about that all morning. When Dwight made his announcement, I think that Ryan turned about 20 different shades of pale. I don’t know what to tell Kelly. And when exactly did I become Dear Abby?

I wish you were here to experience all of the insanity. I can’t describe it all that well.

I remember that sketch, and that crazy first week. I think it was the nickel thing. It was the first practical joke I ever helped with in my life. And you were so nice to me that first week. I’ll never forget that.

I hope your phone is up and working tomorrow night. I’d like to talk to you too, before you go. E-mail is nice, but it’s not the same. I’m sorry you have to bring your laptop with you on vacation. I guess that’s what happens when you become a big important executive. But I’m happy that you will be in touch. I miss you already and you haven’t even gone.

Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 7, 2006 11:30 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: Dwight/Angela

Dear Pam,

So they did it! I’ll have to congratulate Dwight...as much as it pains me to do it. That wedding should be one for the books. I am marking the date on my calendar, even as we speak. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But wait...I know just what you’re going to say…and I promise...no pranks. A man’s wedding is a serious thing, and I wouldn’t do anything to mess it up. Besides, I don’t sit next to Dwight anymore… so I no longer get that overwhelming urge to strangle him. So, I’ll be good. Though I may have a couple of suggestions for his ushers regarding his car…but that’s it, I swear.

As for Ryan and Kelly, I don’t know. I never hear from Ryan. And he wasn’t exactly talkative when I was there. I tried to tell Kelly once that Ryan just wasn’t into her, but she wouldn’t listen. And then he went and made a liar out of me, anyway, by continuing to see her.

Office relationships are tricky...no wonder HR is so down on them. They don’t always turn out like Dwight and Angela, or you and me. Some of them turn out like Catherine and Tom. Poor Tom. I found a Mass card from his funeral in that manila envelope also.

But hey...I’ve got some good news also. Our good friend, Jan, called me this morning. It seems that there is this organization called The National Paper Trades Association, of which Dunder Mifflin is a member. Anyway, every year in September, they have this huge national convention. This year it’s in Chicago. And I’m invited. I asked Jan...Why have I never heard of this? Wouldn’t Michael go to this every year? And she said that usually only Corporate attends, with an occasional Regional Manager being invited. Josh Porter went last year. Anyway, Michael has never been invited. I realized why when I actually imagined Michael at a national convention. I’m sure Jan can imagine it too. Anyway, I gather that, as a Regional Manager, it is somewhat of an honor to be invited. I have no idea why they invited me. It’s not like I’ve had a chance to prove myself as a manager, or anything.

But anyway, I asked her if I could bring you, and she said, of course. There are all sorts of programs for the "spouses" and a big dinner dance. You could break out one of those bridesmaid’s dresses. Just kidding...don’t shoot me. But it is three days in a really nice hotel (!) and I’ve never been to Chicago…have you? And we have never danced together. Because, as we both know...swaying isn’t dancing.

Anyway, the dates are September 15-18th, if you want to go. It’s a weekend, so you’ll only have to take Friday off.

Back to work.

Love Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 7, 2006 12:10 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: NPTA

Dear Jim,

I know all about the NPTA. D-M gets lots of correspondence from them. I know about the conventions, also, but I have learned never, ever to mention them in Michael’s presence. That sounds like a lot of fun, and I’d love to go. I don’t think I’ll tell Michael where I’m going, however.

It nice to have so many things to look forward to.

Oh, by the way…I finally responded to Dan’s E-mail.

Love, Pam

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 7, 2006 1:05 PM

To: LegalDan

Subject re: Hello

Cc: Jhalpert

Dear Dan,

Thank you so much for you kind e-mail the other day. Jim is a great guy, and it was fun to meet such an old friend of his.

As for the goat story, Jim told me that weeks ago. He wanted me to know about this somewhat sordid incident from his past, just in case the records are ever unsealed. To tell you the truth, I’m still in a state of shock. I can’t believe that the two of you aren’t still in jail! I guess it’s a good thing your Dad’s a judge, huh? And what about Gertrude? (The goat…in case you forgot her name!) Did either of you ever consider her feelings? Personally, I’m disgusted with the both of you.

Once again, it was nice meeting you.

Pam

From: LegalDan

Sent: June 7, 2006 2:03 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject re: re: Hello

Heh! Touché, Beesly.

Dan

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 7, 2006 2:34 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: re: re: re: Hello

Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Jim

Note: The National Paper Trades Association is a real organization, of which a very good friend of mine is the President. He always complains that The Office never mentions the NPTA, even though D-M would certainly be a member, and he insists that their annual convention would make a great episode. Anyway, this fic is a shout out to Bill and the NPTA.