Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

~Before~

Denial

At first?  She denied everything.

He said he was in love with her and she replied, "I can't."

He said he wanted to be more than friends and she said,   "I'm really sorry, if you misinterpreted things…"

She'd almost admitted it, to herself and to her mother when he'd walked through the door.  Before she could speak he was kissing her and in those few long moments her heart couldn’t keep up with her head.

Deep in the recesses of her mind something finally brought her back.  She'd suddenly found herself pushing him away and telling him again that he was wrong. 

Jim didn't wait to hear her explain.  If she’d been thinking clearly she’d have realized that he simply couldn’t take it. He'd shoved his hands in his pockets and ducked his head and walked out without a word.

She stood there, paralyzed for what seemed like forever before she could compose herself enough to even blink. 

When she could finally move she turned back to his desk and picked up the phone to call a cab. 

She could have probably gotten a ride home from someone from the office but didn't want to have to deal with anyone. 

She couldn't handle questioning eyes, and or comments about why she was still here alone.

She sat in the decrepit taxi and rolled down the window.  It had been such a beautiful night, warm and breezy with a hint of summer in the air. 

She'd felt so pretty, so happy to have a reason to be all dressed up but now she felt foolish.   She thinks of another completely irrational reason for why this could have possibly happened.

Maybe the way she dressed had led him on.

The thought nagged her as she arrived home.  She stood at the mirror and unpinned her hair.  She stared at her reflection, almost not recognizing herself.

Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes watery, her breath hitching.  She bent down and splashed cold water on her face.

Jim kissed me.

She heard the soft sound of snoring in the background.

Her eyes fell on the sleeping form in her bed and she took another steadying breath.

She tried to tell herself over and over.  Tried to make herself believe it.  This wasn't happening.  When she woke up tomorrow it would all be just a dream.

She and Jim were just friends and they had been from the start. 

Pam told herself that the easy way he'd smiled didn't really give her butterflies and that the things he said didn't really make her giddy. 

That she didn't notice how different he was from Roy.

She slipped off her dress and drew a brush through her hair.  She walked into the bedroom, changing quickly into something to sleep in.

She told herself that it was nothing, how Jim seemed to remember all the little things about her, how she'd find herself thinking of ways to spend more time with him. 

How he had always been so thoughtful.

She chose not to remember how she felt when she saw him with Katy, how she felt when she'd been the one doing the kissing, how she'd chalked it up to being drunk and pissed at Roy when the truth was she'd seen right through him.

He was the real reason.   He was the one who'd made sure she didn't end up crying at the end of the night.

She chose not to remember how scared she had been when she thought he might be fired, how frightened she'd been when she thought - even worse - that he was angry with her.  

She chose to ignore the fact that she was terrified of what her life would be like if she didn't have him to come to five days a week.

Instead she was even more determined to find some sort of excuse.

Jim was drunk.

That could work except Jim rarely got drunk.  Tipsy maybe, slightly buzzed, but he was always very much in control.

He was joking. 

That could be it.  Maybe he needed someone else to tease.  Maybe he was playing the ultimate prank on her instead of Dwight.

One by one she went down a list of reasons why he'd chosen to change everything. 

Though she tried to reason it every which way, she kept coming to the same conclusion.

He'd said it because it was true.

And that? Well, it simply terrified her, so she tried to deny it again.

Maybe it was true that he felt that way, but she certainly didn't.

She loved Roy.  Always had.  She can’t remember a memory from the time she was sixteen that didn’t include him.  He was a part of her.  They'd been together so long that people close to them never referred to them separately anymore.  Pam and Roy, Roy and Pam.  

She stared at her ring, shocked that she felt the need to.  It was if she was begging herself to remember. 

Roy.  Roy and Pam. Pam and Roy. 

She was going to marry him in just three weeks.

She'd picked invitations.

That she'd had to write herself because the printed ones were too expensive.

She'd picked a catering place, one with white pillars and marble floors.

But Roy's high school buddy had a connection at the VA Hall and that was that.

She'd picked a dress.

Not the one she really wanted, but Roy's mom and sister said that she looked like an angel in it.  Her own mother looked at her sympathetically, but in the end she caved in. If they liked it - Roy probably would too. 

It was a perfectly nice dress - just not the one.

Roy loved her, she knew that, but not the way she really needed him to.  Not the way she was always trying to get him to.  He didn't listen.  He wanted things simple.  And there really was nothing wrong with that.

Unless you start finding yourself wanting more.

She should be happy.  There were tons of girls who would kill to be in her shoes.  She was lucky to have someone like Roy, who was stable and reliable and uncomplicated.  You always knew what you got with him, always knew where you stood.  She was never surprised.

Unless you count tonight.

Jim surprised her.  All the time.  Just when she thought she could predict what he’d do he’d prove her wrong.

He was a creature of habit, but not at all boring.

He was kind, but devilishly devious.

He was handsome, yet gangly and goofy.

He was her friend, and apparently, if she wanted it, willing to be so much more.

Again she shook her head; desperately hoping this time she'd believe it. 

This was silly.  She couldn't do this.

Love wasn't jellybeans, or cans of coke, or teapots or stolen kisses in the office after hours.

Love was years of being together, making promises to each other and finally going through with them.

She loved Roy.

Her heart heavy, her mind spinning she crawled into bed and continued to try to deny, wracking her brain to find reasons to prove that what Jim said wasn't true.

And Pam might have been able to convince herself if she didn't know one thing, one thing that she desperately kept trying to shove deep in the back of her mind.

She'd kissed him back.

~After~

Leaving

She sleeps on her stomach.

It was just one of the hundred new things he was learning about her.

He'd found out that sometimes Pam talked a little in her sleep. It was more like sighing but the first few times they’d slept together it had startled him awake.

Not that since this began they had spent that much time sleeping.

Sometimes she’d wake him in other ways.  He’d hear the faint creak of the mattress and then feel her hands sliding over him, under him, around him.

Though it had happened more than once it constantly took him by surprise.  It was the best kind of surprise though.

When she’d wake him that way he always made sure that she knew just how much he appreciated the effort.

He found out that she skipped breakfast more times than not, that she vacuumed nearly obsessively.  He found out that she likes to lie around for at least an hour after work before she does anything.  And now, she doesn’t seem to mind at all when he lies around with her.

Though it seemed whenever that happened they rarely moved from the couch.  Unless, it was to move to the bedroom.

For all the highs, there were definite lows.  He’s had a hard time figuring out her moods.  Sometimes she’d get really quiet, and it nearly felt like she was pulling away from him. 

He’d get nervous that something was wrong but then she’d change his mind, by reaching for his hand or snuggling against him and he’d feel like he could breathe again.

All in all, despite the lingering doubts, he still couldn’t believe that he was actually here, that they were finally together. Every morning he was with her he woke up completely amazed and incredibly grateful.

When he remembers how things had started, shakily, tentatively and not at all smoothly it makes it even more amazing.  There had been a time when he’d resigned himself to the fact that it would never, ever happen. 

He wanted everyone to know, everyone to see exactly what was happening between them but she insisted on keeping quiet.  It nagged at him, to be honest.  He was getting more than a little bit impatient.

If anyone made their way over here, now it would be obvious.  In her cramped little space there were signs of the two of them everywhere.  His mug rested on her kitchen counter, his favorite cereal stood in the cupbord.  His toothbrush was standing tall and straight in the holder next to hers.   

Jim’s oversized sneakers dwarfed her Keds in the closet, there were a tangle of his ties on a hanger, right next to a small selection of his dress shirts.  

To his minor annoyance she was forever stealing them to wear herself. 

He reaches down and grabs his watch off the nightstand, his eyes roaming over her as he fastens it to his wrist.

As Jim stands next to the bed he smiles before leaning over and pressing a light kiss to her cheek.

"Jmmm?"  She murmurs as he pulls away.

"Shh.  Yeah.  Don't get up.  It's so early."  He whispers back as he kisses her again.  “Go back to sleep.  I have to go.”

"No.  Don't."  She says sleepily.

He smiles wider and takes another step away.  "Pam.  I have to be at work in three and a half hours."

"Don't go."  Her eyes are still half closed as she reaches out to grasp at his arm.   He barely puts up a struggle as he sinks down next to her on the mattress.

"Stay."  She pleads as she slides a hand around his neck and pulls his face towards hers.

"Pam. Stop."  His protest is muffled by her mouth.   He leans back and tries to make her see reason. "Trust me.  I absolutely would rather stay here, but…I have to go."

“I don’t like this.”  She pouts against his lips.  "It sucks."

He laughs.   "Sure does.  But.  It used to suck even more."

She smiles and lets him go.  "You're right.  It did."

“We have to do something about this…”  He begins, knowing it’s a dangerous subject.

She shakes her head at him.  It’s a script they keep recycling.  “Jim.  I keep telling you…” 

There isn’t enough time, not this morning, for decisions that will take lengthy debate.   Nothing will be accomplished when she’s only half awake.

Despite the fact that there’s still so much for them to figure out, despite the fact that he's sure it's not going to be an easy fight,  Jim gazes down at her adoringly, sighing when he takes a step towards the door.

Pam sits upright and rests her back against the headboard.  The t-shirt she sleeps in is about ten sizes too big and hangs seductively off her shoulder.  Her eyes are heavy and full of sleep. 

"I gotta go."  He says again, apologetically.

"I know."  She nods her voice full of disappointment as she stares at her lap and picks invisible lint off the bedspread.

Leaving is the last thing he wants to do.  He didn't like it much either.  "I'll see you on Friday." 

"I know."  She nods again before looking up and staring at him sadly. 

I can't do this.  He thinks desperately.  I'm already going to hit so much traffic.  He leans down and gives her a long, lingering kiss.  The kind of kiss that he hopes will get them both through the next week.  She sighs as he pulls away. 

"What time will you be leaving?"  He says softly, running a hand over her cheek.

Pam turns her head and presses a kiss to his palm.  His fingers thread through her curls, causing her to shiver a bit.  

He leans forward and kisses her again and she knows what he's doing.  She gives him a look. 

"Right after work.  Trust me; I’m going to leave as soon as I possibly can.  And just go already.  I know you're trying to make me feel better, talking about when we'll see each other again.  I'm just being a baby.  You don't have to." 

She smiles and nods towards the door. "Go on.  Get out of here.  Go to work.  Push some paper.  I'd hate to think of offices all over Connecticut going through withdrawal."  She gives him a lazy wink.

He's pretty sure the world would survive, but given that he likes to eat and have a roof over his head he's resigned himself to the obligation at present. 

Jim chuckles and hangs his head, twirling his key ring around his finger as he reluctantly heads for the door.  "OK then.  I'll see you Friday." 

She smiles, knowing just like every other week she’ll be counting the hours. 

"I'll see you Friday."  She whispers as she snuggles back down and drifts off to sleep.

~Before~

Anger

“You had no right.” 

He stopped with his hand on the door and slowly turned to face her.  “Excuse me!?”

They hadn’t spoken a word to each other all day.  It was excruciating and more painful than anything in recent memory.  Pam had found herself straining to hear his voice all day long, her heart beating faster when she’d transfer a call to him.  She sat across from him for the entire day, keeping silent.  But she couldn’t hold it in a moment longer.  She felt compelled to finally say something.

When she did her voice shook, as did her hands.  She kept them clasped tightly in front of her as she stood to face him.  “Why did you do that?  Why did you say that to me?”

Jim didn’t know how much more he could take.  He was completely drained.  Every ounce of his resistance was tapped out.  “I don’t know.  Maybe because it happens to be true.”

“It shouldn’t be true.” She snapped back.  “I’m engaged.  I’ve always been engaged.  You knew that – almost from the start.”

He conceded her point with a nod.  “You’re right.  I did.  Contrary to your opinion Pam – I didn’t plan this.”

“Then why?”  It came out as more of a plea than a question.

“A thousand different reasons.  And I’d sit here and tell you each and every one of them if I thought it’d make a difference.”  He looked at her, his eyes glistening.  “Will it make a difference?  Will it stop you?”

She pretended she had no idea what he was talking about.  “Stop me from what?”

It cost him, but he said the words.  “Marrying him.”

She gave him a look that said he was insane.  “This is crazy.  Of course I’m going to marry him.”

He hung his head and moved towards the door again.  “Of course.”

“I can’t believe you.”  She spat back at him.  “You – you – you’re supposed to be my friend.”

“I am your friend, Pam.”  He said wearily. “That’s what makes this twice as difficult.”

Her eyes were wild and her cheeks stained crimson.  She looked as angry as he had ever seen her. 

“No.  You’re not.  A friend wouldn’t book a vacation two days before your wedding.  A friend wouldn’t complain to HR about you behind your back.  You’re not my friend, Jim.  I’m not sure you ever were.”

“You’re not?”  He said mockingly.  “Interesting.”   He turned away from her once more.

His tone of voice was not lost on her and it just made her even angrier.  “If you were my friend you’d be happy for me.  You wouldn’t try to sabotage the biggest day of my life.”

“That wasn’t what I was trying to do.  I was trying to keep myself sane.”  He countered turning back towards her again.   He didn’t know how much more he could take, but he decided now that he’d started he might as well say it all. 

“Being in love with you hasn’t been easy Pam.  Trust me.  I tried to be “just your friend”.  One day – and I’m not even sure how or when - it just changed.  All of the sudden you stopped being my friend and started to be the woman I loved.  And even with that I knew my boundaries.  I kept my distance.  I tried not to interfere.  But it’s over.  I can’t pretend anymore.  I don’t think he’s right for you.  And maybe I’m not the one who is – but I think its being your friend to say something that might make you stop and think for a minute before you go through with this.”

She simply stood there, a look of shock on her face and her mouth set in a firm line.  And he knew he should simply shut up and leave but he found that he couldn’t keep the words from spilling from his lips.

He held her gaze and kept on.  “I may have only known you for three years, but I know I know you better than he does.  And I think if you'd stop being so stubborn you'd admit it yourself.  I know for a fact that you’re wasting yourself here.  I know you’re so organized you could run this whole place with one arm tied behind your back.  I know you’re smart, and funny and quite possibly the nicest person I’ve ever known.  And you’re so talented Pam.  Seriously.  The things you can create take my breath away.”  His voice lowered and he reached out to run a hand over her cheek.  “You – take my breath away.”

She cringed away from his touch and his heart sank to his knees.  It was over.  He knew it now.  He knew it before he even heard her next words.

“You’re just trying to confuse me because y-y-you just want me for yourself.”  She protested, but even to her own ears it sounded incredibly weak.

It wasn’t at all the reply he’d been hoping to hear.  “Congratulations.  You’re on to me.”  He put his hand on the door again.  “Can I go now?  You finished with your little tantrum?”

She was shaking; visibly shaking he’d made her so angry.  “Don’t you patronize me.”

He was too tired for any of this.  Too tired of fighting his feelings, too tired of putting himself out there only to be smacked down.  He wanted to leave already.  Go someplace where he could only see her face in his memory.

“Whatever Pam.”  He ripped the door open.  “Have a nice life.  I hope you and Roy will be very happy together.”

“Liar!”  She called out after him.   She waited a few seconds and then grabbed her coat and followed him out.  The elevator doors were just opening as she reached him.

“Now this won’t be awkward.  At all.”  He muttered under his breath as they boarded the elevator together.

She continued to harp at him, choosing not to let it go.  “Why did you even bother to say anything?  Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone?”

He slammed the emergency stop button and dropped his bag to the floor.  He gripped her elbows and backed her against the wall.  Even as he did, he didn’t know why he was even bothering. 

He was trying once more because it was clear that this would be his very last chance. 

They both knew it.

His voice softened as he gazed down at her.  “Because.  I love you Pam.  That’s it.”  He shrugged slightly.  “Plain and simple.  And because I do I don’t want you to marry anyone else.  I don’t want you to be with anyone else.  I want to be the one you go home to everyday.  The one you wake up next to in the morning.  And maybe I missed my chance, maybe I just came along a little too late, but you know what?  I don’t think so.  I think the one who’s a liar is you.  I think you know exactly what’s going on here and you’re too scared to move, too scared to even think of what it would mean to change everything.” 

He loosened his hold.  “But here's the thing.   If you'd stop to think for a second and see what's right here in front of you you'd know.  You'd know that I’d wait – Pam.  I’m really good at waiting.  I’d wait until you worked through all this if you gave me the least bit of hope that someday…maybe…”  He stared into her eyes for a long moment and whispered.  “Just say the word…”

He waited for what amounted a good minute but she didn’t reply.  He hung his head and let her go, moving over to smack the knob and start their descent again.  “I guess I have my answer.”

The doors opened and he made a hasty exit.

“Jim…”  She breathed, too low for him to actually hear her.

“See you later, Pam.”  He said softly as he quickly made his way to his car leaving her standing there paralyzed.

All she could do was watch him go.

~After~

Impatience

He wants to say something but he doesn't want to ruin things. 

And it's odd because part of him can't understand why what he wants to say has the potential to ruin anything at all.

She wants to go out to dinner and to see a movie but he's dragging his feet.  He just drove through bumper to bumper traffic for nearly four hours and he's tired.  It'd be fine if they were just going to go somewhere close but she wants to drive a ways out of town…just in case.

Just in case…what?  He wants to ask her. 

In case someone sees them together - he guesses is the answer.

Who exactly are they hiding from?  It can't actually be…Roy!?!  Roy who it seemed was quickly working his way through every waitress at Hooters?

When he thinks of that fact he's all the more grateful she'd reconsidered before it was too late.

That's it.   He's done.  He's not going to do it anymore.  It's been nagging at him for far too long and he knows from experience that doesn't bode well.  There's this undercurrent of anger that he's afraid will rise to the surface if they're not careful.

As these thoughts fill his mind Pam comes dashing out of the bathroom, her hair smoothed down and faint blush to her cheeks.  The air around her smells kind of like green apples and something else light and floral-y.  Like she just sprayed on some perfume. 

She kisses him quickly as she goes to pick her coat and purse up off the couch next to him. 

"Ready to go?"  She says with a smile reaching down to grab his hand.  She tugs him to his feet.  "C'mon.  I'm starving!"

"Pam…"  He rises but stands his ground, not budging an inch.

"What?"  She lets his hand go and glances at her watch.  "Jim, come on.  We're going to be late."

"Not if we just go to the Steamtown 8."

Her face falls.  "Jim."

He knows it won't be easy but he's not going to stop. 

"I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous Pam.  I'm not driving all the way over to Wilkes-Barre just because you don't want anyone to see us together. And it's not like that's far enough anyway." 

She stands there motionless and doesn't speak so he feels the need to keep going.

"This whole Romeo and Juliet thing you've got in your head?  I don't know why it's become such a thing with you.  People aren't stupid.  Part of me is pretty damn sure they already have figured it out." 

He stares at her and takes a deep breath before he continues.  "This leads me to the question…"

Oh God.  She thinks desperately.  Why can't he just leave well enough alone?  She doesn't want to do this.  Things had been going so well.

"What?"  She says softly, even though she knows what's coming.

"What are you so afraid of?"

Her eyes lock to his as she pleads with him.  "Jim…"

"Really.  I want to know."  He moves to stand before her and holds her face in his hands, keeping her still. 

His voice carries the hint of a chuckle as he asks. "Do you think Roy is going to find out and beat me up?  Because - I gotta tell you.  That's incredibly insulting to my manhood."

She has to fight a smile as she looks into his eyes.  "The truth hurts - does it Jim?"  She says sympathetically.

"Hey.  I'm just a little squeamish at the sight of real blood.  Let me see him go head to head at NHL Hockey.  I'll give him a fight he won't believe."

"Oh that's real mature."  She sighs and rolls her eyes.  "You know sometimes I forget you're such a…"

"What?"  He looks at her blankly.

"Such a guy."  She replies with a smirk.

He holds a hand to his heart and staggers back.  "Wow.  Ouch.  Beesly." 

He knows what she's doing and if it's going to take her a while to really get into it he'll play along.  At least they were finally talking about it.

That was a major accomplishment in itself.

"When I said you were insulting my manhood before, never thought you'd actually go there."  He gives her a look.  "And with the whole - you know - actually seeing me naked thing - I thought it might be obvious…"

"JIM. Stop. You know what I mean.  I'm just saying - you know you are my best friend."  She pointed out.

"True."

"So sometimes I actually forget.  I mean there were a million times when we worked together that I just kept thinking you'd show up in the Ladies Room."

"OK."  He steps back and shakes his head at her.  "You know what?  I don't even want to know."

She smiles as she reaches for his hand and pulls him back.  "It's just that we talk a lot in there - I mean - women in general.   And since you're the person I talk to the most…"

He inches closer, snags her waist and pulls her against him.  "Just promise me you didn't envision me in there fixing my lip gloss."  He murmurs as his mouth grazes her ear.

Her hands move to his shoulders as she sways into him. "Oh no.  You'd always be doing something much more manly, like…"  She giggles as she finishes. "…filing your nails."

"Nice." 

He begins to laugh with her, the sound rumbling deep in his chest.  She slides her hands up and can feel it as she pulls his face towards hers and whispers. 

"Trust me.  You've more than proven your manhood - as you insist on calling it - in other ways."

She presses her lips to his, kisses him hungrily, and a bit desperately in order to prove her point.  She pulls away and the look in her eyes poses a question. 

His fingers skim her cheek as he lets her go.  "Later."  He answers, the look on his face telling her to go on.

Silence falls again and she stares at her feet.  "I don't know why…"

"Yeah you do."  He says softly.  "Pam.  Just tell me."

She slowly walks to the couch and sits down, smoothing her skirt over her thighs and tucking her hands underneath them.   

"At first - I wanted to keep quiet so that we could just figure stuff out without anyone else.  You know how people get.  They'd say they knew it all along or saw it coming or think they had a hand in it…"

"Like Michael."  Jim offers.

"Exactly. The last thing I need is having to discuss our sex life with…"  She shivers.  "…Michael of all people."

"OK.  Enough said." He smiles as he sits on the edge of the coffee table, so close their knees keep bumping.  "Tell me something.  You still work there because?" 

"Jim."  She looks up at him desperately.  "I can only handle one conversation like this at a time.  Please.  I can't discuss my career aspirations and our relationship all at once.   You need to pick one."

He nods, acknowledging that he should have known better.  "OK.  I understand."  He takes her hands in his, kissing them quickly.  "So. Let's go with us."

"OK."  She takes another steadying breath.  "I'm scared that once it's out there, once people know something might ruin it."

He didn't understand her logic.  "Like how - exactly?"

She didn't know how exactly to put it into words. "I don't know.  It's just been so…perfect."

He squeezes her hands in his.  "It's not perfect Pam."

And she can't deny it any longer. The truth is she knows she's been fooling herself all along. 

"I know."

"We really shouldn't pretend it is.  We've been doing that for a while now."

She gives him a look that says - What?

"Pretending."  He blows out a breath.  "What we really should do is fix it."

"Like how?"  She asks, a tinge of desperation filling her voice.

He hates that this subject makes her so nervous, but he couldn't back down now.

"For starters?  Either I quit my job and move back here or you quit yours and move to Stamford with me."

This was the conversation she'd been dreading.  She begins to tremble a bit.  "Jim…"

He wasn't going to give up that easily.  "Pam.  C'mon.  I'm tired of driving at least three hours each way to spend time with you.  And although I'll admit it's exciting when I finally do see you - neither one of us has one of those earth shattering careers that you sacrifice other parts of your life for.   I sell paper.  You answer phone calls from people who want to buy paper."

Jim shakes his head at her.  "Not exactly a reason rack up frequent flyer miles or in our case - to wear out the transmission of a car."

He's not going to give her a chance to protest.  He keeps speaking, hoping he can finally convince her.

"And just to revisit the career discussion - because honestly?  The two are one and the same.  I know you know this, but I'll say it again.  If you were doing something that had you using your artistic ability I'd happily sell paper for the rest of my life.  If you'd use that talent of yours I'd fly cross country every five days in a heart beat."

"Jim…"

It took so much getting used to, the way he'd always been so supportive.  She used to just shrug it off but now he was here, right in front of her, making her believe more minute by minute that the things she used to dream of could actually become a reality. 

Even so, she was still incredibly apprehensive about it all.  "I don't know why you're so sure…"

He didn't know why she wasn't.    He leans close and touches his forehead to hers. 

"Because, Pam.  I know you.  And you're amazing."

And in that instant she knows.  Even if they don't decide tonight where they'll be living or where they'll be working she knows one thing for sure.

If there was one thing she was sure of in a sea of insecurity it was this.   It was…simply…him.

"So are you."  She whispers as she runs a hand over the line of his jaw.

She stands and reaches for his hand, sighing.  "Well.  It seems we've spent so much time discussing that we missed the movie."

He feels slightly better, but there's still so much unresolved. 

"You're still avoiding my question."  He replies, even as he himself is rapidly losing interest in their conversation.

She pretends she didn't hear him as she snags his tie and pulls him closer, walking backwards towards the bedroom.  "I'm not really that hungry anymore."    

"No?" His eyebrows raise as his voice lowers to a husky whisper.

"Well, not for dinner exactly.  More like dessert."  She winks.  "And you know something else?  Lately I've actually been thinking of a career in nursing."   She chuckles as she lets his tie slip through her fingers.  She reaches for the button on her skirt and unhooks it quickly, letting it slide in a whoosh to her feet. 

She kicks it away before moving towards him again.  "I don't know how successful I'll be, because this whole difference between men and women thing still has me baffled.  I definitely think I could use another anatomy lesson.  Or maybe, you know, just kind of a refresher course."

Her secretarial skills were never more apparent.  Years of typing had made her fingers incredibly nimble.  He sinks down onto the bed and reaps the benefits as she works her magic.

She was nothing if not efficient.

When she straddles his lap it is more than enough to make him nearly forget their conversation completely.   Her hands fly to his hair, her fingers tugging at it until his lips meet hers.  

"Really? You think it'll help?"  He finally manages, the sound of his voice getting lost in her mouth. 

"Yes."  She nods as she kisses him breathless, simultaneously pushing him none too gently to lie back on to the mattress. 

She smiles against his lips as she adds. "I do."  

~Before~

Bargaining

If I just get rid of this memo, he won’t have to leave.

Pam had thought the same thing a thousand times since she’d printed out the email.  She held it in trembling hands, resisting the urge to shred it like the first three copies she’d printed this morning.

Jim Halpert.  Starting date: June 19th   Stamford Office.

She knew Jan was coming in today.  Maybe she could get her to change her mind.  Maybe if she said the right thing or laughed at Michael’s jokes or promised to be extra nice to Dwight until the next millennium, maybe he’d stay.

She was so lost in her thoughts she didn’t hear the door swing open.  She heard a voice before she sensed a presence leaning over her desk.

“Good morning, Pam.”

Her head snapped up.  “Oh.  Hi Jan.”

“Hi.  You’re looking well – all things considered.”  She said, her voice tinged with sympathy.

“What?”  She can’t believe it’s so obvious.

“Since the…you know.  The wedding?  I’m sorry.  Michael…he’s well.  I’m sure I’m not giving you new information when I tell you he’s far from discreet.”

Pam fought to keep her voice steady as she replied.  “Oh.  Yeah.  Well.  It’s not really a secret.  I’ve just…postponed things.”

“Really?  I thought…well…”  Jan’s face flushed a bit.  “Anyway.  Can you let Michael know I’m here?  We need to go over the details of…”  She paused and took a breath, visibly uncomfortable.  “…Jim’s…um…transfer.”

Pam stared blankly ahead, blinking furiously to keep the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes at bay.

“Pam?”  Jan called out softly.

Pam sat perfectly still, her knuckles white as she tightly gripped the manila folder containing the beyond life changing memo.

“Pam?”  Jan reached out and placed a hand on her arm.

“Huh?  What?  I’m sorry.”  She kept a death grip on the folder as her hand fumbled for the phone.  “You needed Michael?”  She moved to punch the intercom.

“Pam.”  Jan said for the third time.  She glanced at Michael’s office and saw that it was blessedly empty.  “Do you want to take a minute?   I can’t help but notice you look pretty upset.”

She shook her head vehemently, as if that would fix things.  “No.  I’m fine.  I’m fine…”  She insisted.   She stood on shaky legs and clutched the folder to her chest.  “I’m really…perfectly…fine.  Do you want to wait for Michael in the conference room?”

She moved past Jim’s desk, cleared of every trace of him and stumbled slightly. Jan followed behind, a worried look filling her face. 

Jan slid her briefcase onto the conference table and slowly sank into a chair.  “Pam.  If you want to talk I want you to know I’m here for you.”

“There’s nothing to talk about really.”  Pam shook her head.  The last thing she wanted to do was discuss things with Jan.   She desperately tried to change the subject.  “Do you want some water or coffee?  Michael went to the bank but he’ll be back any minute.  And he really did just go to the bank.”  She felt the need to add.  “This time it’s legitimate.”

She stood in the doorway, still clutching the folder as if her life depended on it.

And maybe that’s because, in that precise moment, it actually did.

Jan Levinson did not get where she was in the company by backing down easily.  She was determined, and when she was determined, things rarely got in her way for long.

She made yet another attempt.  “Pam?”

“Yes?”

“Tell me something.”  She said softly.  “Did Jim have anything to do with you calling off your wedding?”

Pam’s face fell and a tear slowly slid unheeded down her cheek.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Jim and I are friends.” 

Were.  Pam thought desperately.  We were friends.

Jan leaned back in her chair, her question answered.  “I thought so.  I mean.  I thought that…maybe.  Well.  It makes sense now.”

“What?”  Pam gave her a quizzical look.

“When he came for his final interview he asked me to give this to you.”  Jan reached into her briefcase and slid the glossy brochure over towards Pam.  “I know we’ve talked about it before…”

The internship.  Pam shook her head.  “I can’t…”  She whispered, swallowing a small sob.  She couldn’t stop herself anymore.  She hung her head as tears poured down her cheeks.

Jan nodded.  “I know.  You’ve said that but Jim seems to think you’d be a perfect fit and I have to say I agree.”

“He shouldn’t have.”  Pam shook her head again.

“From the way he talks of you it’s clear that he thinks you’re very talented.”  Jan replied.

“He shouldn’t have.”  And at that moment they both knew that she wasn’t simply talking about the internship.

“Your personal lives are none of my business.  They are none of Corporate’s business in general.  But I’ve known you both for a while now and any one with eyes can see that you care a great deal about each other.  Whether that’s simply friendship or more than that it’s up to the two of you to decide.”  Jan sighed, not quite sure what had made her so insistent about all this in the first place.  She knew from personal experience how an office romance could go wildly awry.  Not that you could qualify what had happened between her and Michael as romance. 

But somehow even she knew that this was something different. 

She took a look at the camera looming outside the conference room door.  “Besides.” She lowered her voice, as if that would make any difference.  “I suspect when the footage they’ve shot here airs it will be obvious to more people than just me – if it’s not already.”

Pam couldn’t think of any of that at the moment.  All she knew was that she was being incredibly selfish.  Jim had an opportunity and if she wasn’t willing to take a chance on him, she didn’t have any right to stand in his way.  If he wanted to move on, she should let him.

She steadied herself as best she could and placed the folder on the table. 

“It’s a good opportunity for him.”  She said softly, gently sliding it over closer to Jan.

“Pam...”

She talked right over her.  “He’s really a great salesman.  I know this doesn’t sound exactly like a glowing reference but it’s true.   He can close a sale without much effort at all.  You should know that he gets the numbers he gets by barely lifting a finger.”

“I agree.  He does quite well.”  Jan nodded.

Her comment barely registered.  “I know that he’d do even better if he was just challenged a bit.  So.”  Pam sniffled and took another deep breath.  She picked up the brochure and clutched it much like she had the folder.  “He should go.  He should do this.  Far be it from me to keep him from realizing his potential.”

She looked at the brochure in her hands as she added.  “He’s really…just…he’s the best person I’ve ever known.”

Pam was lost in her thoughts as she turned around, making deals with the fates again in her mind. 

Maybe if I just think about it again.  Maybe if I read about the internship one more time, maybe if I take a chance of my own one day I’ll run into him.  Maybe, just maybe, it won’t be too late when I do.

There were sounds of a commotion outside the conference room door.  It was clear Michael was back.  

The moment, such that it was, had clearly passed.   Pam moved towards the door and was nearly through it when she heard her name again.

“Pam?”  Jan felt compelled to say one last thing before she’d let her go.

“Yeah?”  She turned around slowly and kept her gaze to the floor.

“I think you should know, he said almost the very same thing about you.”

~After~

Waiting

He tries to keep things light, despite the nagging ache in his chest.

This weekend was already not going as they'd planned.  The weather has turned horrible - icy and cold. 

He'd been worried the whole time she drove up to Stamford.

Nearly five hours after Pam had left Pennsylvania she finally stood before him on his doorstep, shivering and sniffling. 

He took one look at her and was pretty sure she had the flu.

So now, she's wrapped up in blankets, sound asleep in his bed.  When she first fell under he'd braved the cold and run to the supermarket to get some chicken soup.  He'd coax her to eat when she finally woke up. 

And because it was for her, he splurged for the home-style kind, with the big, broad noodles.

He wishes that taking care of her is all he could think of, all he had to focus on as he watches her sleeping but it seems he has other things on his mind.

He feels this ever present, unending need to fix this.

She coughs softly and he moves closer, running a hand over her cheek.   Her skin is warm now, finally, but it's almost too warm. 

Worry fills his mind again.

Slowly her eyes flutter open and she smiles softly.  "I'm sorry."  She whispers, her voice sounding like she's swallowed sandpaper.

He looks at her as if she's crazy.  "What are you apologizing for?"

"This."  She replies, moving to sit up a bit and rubbing at her nose with a tissue.  "Not exactly a romantic weekend."

His hand rests on her cheek and he leans close, as if to kiss her. 

She pulls away sharply.  "Jim.  Don't.  I'm all germy."

"I'll take my chances."  He winks as his lips land on her forehead.  He places a soft kiss there, lingering a bit.  He pulls away and gives her a nod.  "I was right, you do have a fever."

She chuckles at him in spite of it all, her chuckle quickly morphing into a wracking cough. 

"That's very scientific."  She finally manages.  "Who taught you that trick?"

He shrugs.  "My mom used to do that with us."

Despite the fact that she felt like she'd been run over by a truck her heart melted a bit at the image of him as a little boy, dressed in cowboy pajamas, his mother kissing his forehead to see if he was sick or not. 

And then, as she sits there, she sees something similar.  Just a bit different.   She sees another little boy, one who has her smile, sitting up in bed wearing the same pajamas. 

She then sees an image of Jim - repeating the gesture he’d just made to her. 

Her eyes well up as she stares over at him.

"What?" 

"Nothing.  You…just…"  She feels foolish and shakes her head.  "Nothing."

"Delirium setting in?"  He asks, raising one eyebrow curiously.

"Probably."  She smiles widely and then turns her mouth into a pout. "Being sick sucks."

He smiles back at her.  "You should really go into advertising.  That's a great slogan."

"Jim."  She croaks again.

"Seriously.  Let me get a few pictures of you.  You can be the new face of influenza."   He stands and pretends to be about to do just that.

"Stop it."  She laughs and has another spectacular coughing fit. 

He moves to sit beside her on the bed and holds a glass of orange juice to her lips.  "Here.  Drink."   He pushes her curls from her face.  "I'm sorry.  I'll stop."

"Thank you."  She whispers gratefully as he places the glass back down.

He knows this isn't a good time, but there never seems to be one.  And he thinks he might have a better chance with her in a weakened state.

"So. Now that I have you here…"

"Mmm hmm?"  She murmurs as she lies her head back down again.

"…kind of at my mercy, we're going to talk about a few things."

"OK."  She sighs and closes her eyes.

He takes a breath, waits a beat and then just goes for it.  "I want you to move in here."

Her eyes open widely.  She can't believe that he's actually going to do this now.  "Jim…"  She says wearily.

He swallows and stares at her intently.  "Pam.  Please.  Hear me out.  If you take the internship Stamford is much closer to New York…"

"It's not that - Jim.  It's just…"  She sneezes and when she looks back up at him she looks like a deer in headlights.  "I don't want to do that."

"Do what?"  He keeps trying to be patient, trying to understand but he doesn't get what her problem is.

"Leave him and then become just as dependant on you."

Her voice is shaking, as are her shoulders.  It seemed that, along with a fever, she now had the chills. 

"I want it to be different.  It should be different now.  With you…"

Pam couldn't believe him.  She was sick, damnit.  Why couldn't he just leave her alone?

He scoffs at her.  "C'mon.  That's not what I meant."

Her eyes glitter with annoyance as she meets his gaze.  "You do.  I know you.  I can see it.  You're doing it right now."

"What?"

She blows her nose, rather ungracefully before she replies.  "Swooping in.  Taking care of me.  Planning my life out for me."

She was not the only one who was annoyed.  Jim shrugs and gives her a look.  "Better than not making plans at all." 

As the words leave his lips he wishes, more than anything, that he could take them back.

They’re still hanging in the air as she pushes him away and throws back the covers, attempting to stand.

"I'm sorry."  He says softly as he reaches for her arm.

She manages to pull herself upright, albeit on wobbly legs, and moves past him. 

"Pam.  C'mon.  Stop.  You're sick."  He calls after her, his voice full of concern.

She holds a hand to her chest, coughing violently as she makes her way to the chair and grabs her sweater. 

"Of this!?" She says, her voice a gravel-y whisper. "Absolutely."

"Pam."

She doesn't answer, simply begins to turn it right side out so she can get dressed.

He reaches her in two strides.  "Pam.  Stop.  That sweater is soaking wet."

"I'm already sick - it won't…"  Much to her frustration, she loses her voice halfway through the sentence.  "…kill me."  She attempts to finish but winds up mouthing the last two words.

She can't stop the thoughts from filling her brain.

But this might.  You might.  You're making this so much more difficult than it has to be. 

Jim reaches for her, desperately trying to pull her into his arms.  She twists and turns and tries to get away.

"Don't."  He finally manages to get her to stop.  He pulls her close and rests his chin on the top of her head.  "I'm so sorry."

More than anything else in the world Pam wishes she could talk so that she can yell at him.  She wants to scream at him and tell him that if he'd only just let her do this on her own he won't be at all disappointed.  She wants to tell him if he’s just a little more patient she won't let him down.  She just needs a little more time to process it all. 

Instead she pulls back and gives him a look that cuts him off at his knees. 

"Pam."

He knows her so well, she doesn't need to say a word.  Her eyes say everything for her.

I am so furious with you.

"I know."  He answers guiltily.

This is so unfair.  Ambushing me like this when I can barely defend myself.

"I know."  He hangs his head.

She tries to speak again, but he can only hear every other word.  "It's not that I don't love you."  

At least the words he got to hear contained 'I love you'.  He thinks with a sigh.

"Shh.  OK.  You don't have to talk.  I know."

She looks up at him, her eyes watery, and what he needs to know is residing there. 

He just can’t see it.

I haven't done enough for you yet.  Don't you understand?  You need to let me make it up to you a little bit.  You need to let me see for myself what you see when you look at me.  Because I haven't seen that girl in a really long time.  I don't even know her anymore.

And I can't be with you - really with you - until I find her again.

Those are the thoughts he can't quite figure out yet.  The ones that hold the key to this whole thing.

She leans on his arm and makes her way to the bed, still clutching her soggy sweater in her fist. 

For a second he's sure she's actually going to punch him with it.

"Just…please."  She breathes as she lays back down, drained completely from the whole ordeal.

She falls into sleep so dark and so deep that in the back of her mind she knows that part of her doesn't want to wake up.  

She knows the next morning they'll have to deal with it all again.

Jim leans close and kisses her brow, worry filling his own. 

He realizes he's just been entirely unfair to her - more than that, he's been completely unreasonable.  To try and get her to discuss something when she's clearly sick was ridiculous.  But he's become desperate it seems.   Desperate to finally be with her, to have the life he knows is waiting for them just out of reach. 

He leans close and places a kiss on her cheek as he whispers.  "You know that I would right?   You have to by now.  You know that I'd marry you in a second, Pam."  He murmurs as he tucks a stray curl behind her ear.  "I would, if you'd…just…let me."

He knows there’s a reason she’s been so reluctant but he’s too close to it to really see it clearly.

Why won't you let me?

He knows his tactics have been absurd, he knows his thoughts are completely irrational.  Still only one thing fills his mind as he sits by her side and simply watches her again.

If you could just tell me how much more time Pam.  Please?  Just so I'd know… 

It seems that since the moment he met her all he ever does is wait.

~Before~

Depression

That night, she’d lost it completely. 

Jan’s words filled her mind, Jim’s face was all she could see. 

That is, until she pushed the door open and saw someone else entirely.

Roy.

The thoughts were back before she could quiet them.

We’re getting married.  I can’t do this. 

Pam didn’t give herself time to second guess.  She walked straight to the couch and pulled him to her. 

And true to form Roy tried to push her away.  

He glared at her, incredibly annoyed.  She did shit like this all the time. 

He was busy watching the ballgame.  Couldn’t she see that? 

Even as he’d barked at her, his words simply did not register. 

She was more than desperate, incredibly insistent as her arms closed tightly around him and she crushed her mouth to his.  A sob escaped her lips before she could control it.

And it was then that he finally realized there was something wrong. 

As quickly as she’d grabbed him she’d pushed him away.  He heard her whisper, “I’m so sorry.” and something that sounded faintly like “No.” 

And then she was stumbling blindly towards the bathroom, locking the door behind her. 

As he watched her go, his mind wasn’t on the game at all anymore.  He could still hear her crying behind the door and he knocked softly, imploring her to talk to him. 

The repetitive sound of “No…no…no…” was the only answer he received. 

Then, suddenly, she was silent.  He called to her again and was met with nothing but the sound of her breath hitching. 

“Pammy?”  He whispered.  “Babe, come on out.  Tell me what’s wrong.”

She didn’t reply and as the minutes turned to hours his worry grew. 

In the end, at a total loss he’d called her mother, because the only other alternative was to call 911.  He couldn’t imagine how that would go. 

“Hey.  Yeah.  My girlfriend is hysterical and won’t come out of the bathroom…”

Pam still hadn’t surfaced in the hours it had taken for her mother to arrive. 

Roy greeted her at the door and didn’t quite understand why her expression was not all that surprised when he relayed the story.

She'd hugged him before she moved to the bathroom, her knock apparently holding some secret meaning since for the first time since Pam had gone in there it opened. 

Just slightly, just…enough to allow her to slip through.

Soon Roy was the only one on the other side of the door.  Alone, and more than a little confused, again.

It seemed there was nothing for him to do but go to bed and let her handle it.

Wedding jitters.  Cold feet.  That’s all it was.

When he woke the next morning he got the whole story. 

And he couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out before.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Jim really was trying to forget her.

Well, maybe not forget her, but try and move on if he could.

On a usual day, he thought he might be getting better at it.  Instead of thinking of her every second, sometimes it would be every minute.  He hoped soon it might be every hour, then maybe he could cut it down to once a day.

Maybe someday it would be once a month…then maybe he’d just think of her fondly once a year.  Like on…Arbor Day.  

Whenever that was. 

He kept trying to forget her, but it really wasn’t working.

Thing was, there were no less than 52 emails in his Draft folder. 

Each one was - of course - addressed to her.   Each one told her the mundane details of his day. How much paper he’d sold…how much better the vending machines were here than in Scranton…how much he actually missed Dwight of all people.

Each one was full of things only she would understand.  Random musings and observations about how watching reality TV could actually make you a better person.  It could tell you who not to be in any given situation. 

He’d come to observe that this was especially true regarding Fear Factor, because really, $50,000 is pocket change if someone expects you to eat rat guts.

He smiled, imagining her face, her nose scrunched up in disgust.

There’s no one else.  He realized as he printed out every last one of the emails.  He took the pile and moved to the shredder.  There’s no one else that would understand.

No one in this world.

He paused just short of running them through one by one.   He realized it was futile and his hand fell to his side.  

He’s not nearly strong enough yet to shred every trace of her from his life.

Maybe he will be tomorrow.

How do you even begin?  He wondered as he walked back to his desk, still clutching the emails in his hand. 

How do you even start to try and let go of the only thing that matters? 

xoxoxoxoxoxo

There really should be a limit as to how much one human being could cry Pam thought as she drove along 95. 

She could barely see through her tears.

She shifted in the seat and smiled a bit in spite of it all, remembering getting ready to leave. 

Her father made her take his car.  

"More reliable," He'd said, dealing with all this drama the only way he knew how.

As they stood in the driveway she could see that her mother wanted to take the trip with her but they both knew that this was something Pam needed to do on her own.

That fateful night when she’d finally broken down her mother had helped her to place the final piece in the puzzle.  She joined her on the cold tile floor in that cramped little space and held her close, just like she had when she was little.  Except then her biggest problem was the fact that Susie Miller wouldn’t share her dolls with her.  

This was so much different.

But just as it had in the days of Susie Miller the advice came.  Her mother, sage as ever, simply told her that something like this was rare and precious, and yes, incredibly scary. She’d said that she didn’t raise her daughter to throw opportunities like this away.   She’d watched her do too much of that in the last ten years.   She asked her to close her eyes and picture the rest of her life. 

Who did she want to be next to?

And Pam’s lids had barely closed before she had her answer. 

Her fears subsided instantly and she couldn’t believe that it was really that simple. 

And although there was no question of what she needed to do Pam didn’t completely change overnight.  It wasn’t as if she’d gained ten years worth of courage in an instant. 

Instead she'd spent a completely clichéd week in bed at her parents’ house, Kleenex crumpled about her, days spent watching nothing but an endless slew of Lifetime movies.   Around the third time in as many days that Kellie Martin was abducted or addicted or accused of murder she rolled her eyes and found herself reaching for the phone.

And it was only after she’d dialed that she’d realized who she was calling.

She had thrown the phone down, knowing it wouldn’t be that simple.   

In that moment she was acutely aware that whenever anything good – or ridiculous or really bad happened he was the one person she wanted – no – needed to talk to. 

She’d scoffed at this kind of thing in the romance novels she’d read but there was no other way to describe it.  It was like a cloud had lifted and she could suddenly see everything clearly.

The scenery flew by, the wheels whirred on the highway, the sound they made like music for the lyrics to the only song she could hear anymore.

Please be home.  Please be home.  Please be home.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

He sat alone in his car, trying to decide.

What would it be tonight?   Pizza or Chinese?

He watched his co-workers laughing and waving as they made their way out of the parking lot.  Like every Thursday, they were all going out for drinks.  Normally he’d be anxious to join them, there was no better way to get to know people but tonight his heart wasn’t in it.

Not to mention he wasn’t quite sure in his current mood that he’d be able to control himself.  There was nothing worse than drinking yourself into a stupor in front of your boss.

He wound up cruising the first drive-thru he came to, mechanically ordering a number 3 because ordering a 1 seemed much too lonely and a 2 seemed too much like a lie.

He smiled as he paid for his order but it left his face as quickly as it appeared. 

Is this really what his life had become?   He thought as he pulled out of the parking lot and headed for home.  He realized all at once that he had to do something drastic. 

He could already see it.  He was a promotion away from a fate worse than death.

If he wasn’t careful he could actually become a carbon copy of Michael.

And that?  Well it was far more depressing than attempting to live a life without her.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

She regarded the paper she had clutched in her hand, making sure for the thousandth time she had the right apartment number.

As if the little label reading Halpert wasn’t confirmation enough.

She took a steadying breath, going over it again and again in her mind.   When the door opened she would just say it quickly.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you too.

And then she’d wait and hope that she hadn’t said too little, too late.

A sense of calm washed over her, realizing that no matter what happened she needed to do this in order to move on, one way or the other.

She took a deep breath and knocked, her knuckles rapping sharply against heavy oak, hoping it was loud enough to reach him.

Please be home please be home please be home.

She waited, knocked again, and the response was the same.  

She was met only with silence.

Her hand dropped to her side followed quickly by her heart, which sank straight to her stomach.

Though her first instinct was to run she summoned every ounce of her courage, turning her back to the door and sliding down to rest against it.

She gazed at her hands, stripped bare of every trace of her life before and sat there patiently.

She knew she’d made him wait for her forever.

The least she could do was return the favor.

~After~

Comprehension

Things had been incredibly tense for the last few weeks - so much so that Jim almost felt the need to ask her if she'd even be coming with him today. 

And though he'd never said a word it was like she could sense it, and the fact that he was unsure of her feelings for him cut her nearly in two.

He doesn't realize that all Pam wants is for him to know exactly how much she loves him, how right now, this minute; she didn't regret a single thing.

She wishes she could find a way to make it clear to him.

Because it all makes sense to her now.

Earlier that day he had sat on the edge of the bed in their hotel room, watching her get ready.  As he did the collar of his tuxedo shirt choked him a bit.  For all the ties he wore he was unused to dressing so formally.

He had smiled as he watched her, almost laughing at the way she’d twist and turn. 

She did this thing where she'd tilt her head, or stick one leg out in front of her as she looked in the mirror.

He wanted to tell her she'd never looked more beautiful but the words stuck in his throat a bit.

After all they had been through it didn’t seem fair.  Now that they were together it was supposed to be easy and perfect and…right.

Instead of being difficult and awkward and, though it made him sick to think it, almost…wrong.

The first few weeks were nothing short of blissful but somehow in the months that followed things had changed.

He wants to remember how it was in the beginning, so that he can start to breathe again.

He remembers the first time they were together, how his hands ran over every inch of her skin, as if to commit it to memory.

He wants to know more than that; he wants to know all of her, every last little piece.

He can't believe that she just won't let him in.

As they ride up in the elevator she reaches for his hand, linking her fingers with his.  She is standing so close he can almost feel her breathing. 

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye and wishes she knew that he was nothing short of fascinated by her. 

Jim pauses at the door to their room and holds the key in his hand.   As he does she can’t help but notice that he’s shaking slightly. 

She knew it had been an emotional day for him.  She knew that.  He’d talked about it for weeks, months, nearly two years it seemed. 

Today marked the end of a huge portion of his life.  They had just come from his sister’s wedding. 

Jim had been the one to give her away. 

It was the culmination of every day of his life since he’d been sixteen, since that fateful day when he'd become the one that both his mom and his sister had come to lean on. 

During the ceremony as Pam stood beside him and held his hand tightly the answers came to her, in a sudden rush.

This is why.

This is why he holds the door open for you, why he pulls out your chair.  Why he listens so well and so intently. 

It's ingrained in him – its second nature.  He’s not trying to manage you.  He simply doesn't know how not to be like that.

This is why he made you grilled cheese sandwiches, why he always makes sure there's someone to drive you home, why he pushed you to take the internship.

This is why.

This is why he'd lived at home until just two years ago.  He wouldn't leave until he knew they were both taken care of.   Now that she was married, he knew his work was done.

It was a big step for him to think of himself for a change. 

This is why he cried when he told you he loved you.

This is why he's the only one you could ever really even contemplate being with for the rest of your life.

This is why.

"Well.  That was some party."  He says with a grin as he pulls his tie off.  He throws his jacket over the arm of the chair as he sits down and unties his shoes, kicking them off into the corner.

"Yeah."  She whispers, staring at him in awe.

The look on her face concerns him.  She looks like she has something to say. 

They’ve done a lot of talking lately.  He was hoping they could just let things go tonight. 

Still he couldn't help but ask.  "You OK?"

She nods and begins to walk towards him.

He still wasn't nearly convinced.  "You sure?" 

"Uh huh."  She murmurs as she stops directly in front of him, standing between his outstretched legs.  Her hands gently run through his hair, her fingers moving to trace the lines of his face.

"Pam?"

"I love you, Jim."  She whispers against his lips as she bends her head to kiss him.  "I do.  Do you have any idea how much?"

Her breath is warm against his skin and his heartbeat picks up.  He's not exactly sure what's come over her.  He's used to this, to being with her like this but everything about the way she's touching him and kissing him is much different than before.

"I know."  He nods, his mouth seeking hers again.  "I know you do."

She shakes her head, her lips brushing back and forth against his, threatening his sanity. 

"I don't think you do.  I don't think I've done a good job of making sure…"  She falls to her knees in front of him, as her hands reach up to frame his face.   Her lips resumed their journey, kissing his temple, grazing his cheek, until finally; thankfully, he felt her mouth settle firmly over his.

Once there, she moved lazily, taking her time, as if she had all day. The small nibbles and bites she took had him dizzy. She was driving him slowly insane.

"Let me show you."  She whispers as she reaches for his hands and stands, pulling him with her.

When they'd first gotten together it was almost always rushed and panicked.  It was sometimes as if they were the last two people on the planet, racing against a ticking clock. 

Except late at night, when sometimes they’d come together half asleep both of them suddenly just needing to be that close.

But this?  This was different.

“Pam.”  He says her name in a low growl that she can feel on her skin as he slides his lips along her shoulder.  Impatient, she places a hand on the back of his neck and brings his lips back to hers.

She deepens the kiss, gently catching his bottom lip in her teeth as her hands move to his shirt, slipping open the buttons one by one, a thankful sigh escaping when the starched cotton slides from his shoulders.

This is different, he thinks again as they tumble together onto the bed, the silk of her dress swishing against his bare skin.

Jim reaches around her back, his fingers fumbling for the zipper.  He’s desperate to feel his skin against hers.  She twists and turns to set herself free, only gone from his arms for a moment before settling back in them again.

He shifts and rises up on his knees, bringing her with him.  Her eyes flutter open, catching his and she smiles before his arms close around her, reducing the space between them to mere centimeters.  Knowing what he’s trying to do, she shakes her head at him again.

”No.  Please.”  She whispers as she pushes him to lie back down.  “Let me.”

“Why?”  He asks her, still completely confused.

She can’t think of another thing to tell him but the absolute truth.

“Because...”  She says softly as she stares deeply into his eyes.   “…I just…need to.”

And for now, though he still doesn’t quite understand, that answer is more than enough.

~Before~

Acceptance

He stood on the other side of the door and held his breath.

When he'd heard her knock over twenty minutes ago and looked through the peephole he couldn't believe his eyes.

What was she doing here? 

Thoughts began to race through his head.  This was a good sign right?  She wouldn't have come all the way here to just…

The thing that was so disconcerting about all of this is that he had contemplated going to Scranton tonight himself.  He knew he could just be shooting himself in the foot, but he had the overwhelming need to know for sure that it was over.

She wasn't married.  He knew that and as long as he did there was still a tiny piece of him that knew there was still hope.

He'd been this close to going to her tonight but ultimately he'd decided to spare himself the misery.   Giving up he sat down and ate his solitary excuse for a dinner.  He was just finishing when there was a knock on the door.

Suddenly she was here.

Thing was he had no damn idea what to do about it.

As afraid as he was to confront her, he was equally terrified that she would leave before he got up the nerve to.

You've let opportunities pass you by before.  He thought wearily.  Haven’t you learned your lesson?

He peeked out the peephole again and saw her pacing and nibbling on her nails.   It seemed like a good sign to him.  She looked determined to wait for however long it took.

Taking a deep steadying breath he slowly opened the door.

As he did, he watched her jump two feet in the air.

"Jim!"  Pam gasped as a hand flew to her chest.  "Oh my God you scared me!!"

"I'm sorry."  He said softly.  "Didn't mean to."

She gave him a confused look.  "I didn't think you were home."

"I know."

"I…knocked forever and you didn't answer."  She took a step back.

"I know."  He replied with a nod.

Realization washed over her.  "Oh."  She looked around desperately.  "So.  OK.  I…um, I was just…"

"In the neighborhood?"  He asked, as his eyebrows rose.

"Yes."  She replied quickly and then realized how ridiculous it sounded.  "No.  I mean…"  She tried to read his expression and simply couldn't.    She hung her head and decided that this was a terrible idea.  She was prepared for the worst case scenario.  There was a fifty-fifty chance things could go this way.

"I guess I'll go."  She said softly as she slowly made her way down the hall

Panic consumed him as his blood roared in his ears.  He was still afraid but all he knew right now was that he needed to stop her. 

"What are you doing here Pam?"  He called out after her.  "I mean…what are you really doing here?"

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him.  "I wanted to talk to you."

"OK."  He gave her a confused look.  "About what?"

He just held her gaze until she felt compelled to open her mouth.  It's your turn, Pam; a little voice in her head reminded her.  You need to tell him.

Pam.  Say something.

"Your building is really nice."  She said as she glanced around.

Not exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Pam."  His voice was clipped and slightly impatient.

She brought her eyes back to his.  "Yeah?"

"Please.  I can't do this.  This is why it took me almost a half hour to open the door."  He took a deep breath, surprising even himself with his honesty.  "Just…tell me."

She looked like she was about to faint, or get sick or possibly both.  "I wanted to tell you something."

He tilted his head as if to say, "So go ahead."

She looked at him, her eyes pleading.  "Can we do this inside?"  She walked slowly back towards him, wringing her hands a bit. 

"No.  Here's fine."  He replied.   The idea of seeing her in the place where he lived was just too much to take.

Pam should have realized this wouldn't be at all easy.  He wasn't going to let her off easy at all it seemed. 

"OK.  I just…"  She had no idea how to start this.  "I just wanted to tell you that I made a huge mistake.  I let you believe something that wasn't true."

His heart beat faster.  "Such as?"

She took another steadying breath.  "I let you believe that I didn't have feelings for you.  I made you think that I thought of you as just my friend.  But I realize now that the truth is you mean so much more to me…"

He couldn't dare hope.  It was too much to believe.

It didn't seem like he was getting the message.  "OK."  Pam stared at her feet for a moment to summon up more courage.  This was proving to be a thousand times more difficult than she thought.

"It's like this.  It's like I've done a terrible thing and it's so weird.  There's only one person I want to talk to about it.  But it just so happens this…thing I did…well.  It involves this person and so I don't even know how to begin."

Jim shook his head.  "Pam."

Her head snapped up and she stares at him.  "Yeah?"

"I know what you're trying to do."  He whispers.   He can't take this.  If she starts with the you're my best friend stuff he's simply going to lose it.  He'd heard that speech the first time around.  

"C'mon.  Just talk to me."  He implored her.  He stared at her again, impatient and slightly annoyed.  "You said you have something to tell me?"

"Yes."  She snaps back, suddenly wondering why she bothered to come here in the first place.

"Then say it already."  His replied, completely exasperated.

"Fine.  Whatever.  I'll just say it then."  She stood and shook back her hair and glared up at him.  "I came here to tell you I love you."

He knew it was within the realm of possibility for her to give such a reply, but he still felt as if he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him.

And leave it to her to say it for the first time as she looked incredibly pissed off at him.

"Pam."

"Are you happy now?" She folded her arms in front of her and gave him a look.

"Happy?  Yeah.  You could say that." He nodded and ducked his head, smiling widely.

"I couldn't…I mean…I really didn't know."  She looked at him guiltily and then sighed before she went on.  "OK - I did know - but I didn't know what to do about it.  It was just…too much and then you left and I…"

"Pam."  He tried again to get her attention.

"I couldn't deal with this at first.  I mean, I knew it all along, in the back of my mind I knew what was going on but…"

She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with tears.

"Roy's not a bad guy - he isn't.  I just…we were together so long that I couldn't..."

"I know."  He agreed and he knew that this time he meant it.

It was easier to stomach when he knew he was the one on the winning end of this equation.

Pam looked up at him and suddenly the last thing she wanted to talk about was Roy.  She reached up and ran a hand over the front of his shirt, making him shudder a bit.  He stumbled back until he rested against the door to his apartment.

She gazed deeply into his eyes and sighed.  It was getting easier every minute. "The first day I went to work without you there I missed you so much I actually couldn't breathe."

He nodded and took a step closer.  "I know.  Me too."

Pam was still rambling and Jim, quite frankly didn't care in the least.  She could go on for days if she wanted.

She loved him and she was here.  Anything else in the world meant nothing at the moment.

She inched closer and rested a hand over his heart.  It was beating frantically and she smiled, knowing the effect she was having on him. 

"And I realized if I missed you that much, if it really was that hard to be without you - that it must mean something."  

"Good guess."  He agreed, still smiling.

She kept trying to think of things to explain herself, as if he needed to know the reasons.  It took her a minute until she finally focused again.  "You don't really need to hear all this do you?"

"Not really."  He replied, grinning widely.  "I already pretty much got the message with the whole 'I love you' thing."

A flush crept up her cheeks as she gazed at him.  "I'm so sorry."  She said as she took a step closer.

"It's OK."  Jim's arms closed around her, holding her tight.  His lips pressed against her temple as he whispered.  "Just…say it again."

Instead of replying she shifted and kissed him hard and full on the mouth.  She eased back slowly, laughing at how completely stunned he looked.

"Jim."  She laughed, finally being able to exhale for the first time since he left her.   "Oh my God.  I just told you I love you."  She repeated and smiled as his lips kissed a trail straight back to hers.

"I know.  I heard you and believe me.  Now that it's out there?  You don't get to take it back." He replied, laughing back at her.

As his lips moved over hers she realized something amazing.  This is a whole different kiss.  Pam's mind reeled as one of his hands rested comfortably on her hip as the other splayed over her back, pressing her closer to him.

And it's not nearly close enough.

"Jim…"  She whispered he feasted on her throat.

"Mmmm?"

Her hands raked through his hair.  "Can we…"  Her knees buckled a bit.  "Umm…go inside now?"

"Oh."  He smiled against her skin as he reached for the doorknob.  "Yeah."

Once inside their kisses became more and more frenzied.  They stumbled and tripped towards the bedroom knocking over several books and a lamp as they made their way there.

She started to pull away to fix them when he laughed loudly.  "Are you crazy?"

"What?"  She looked at him confused as he backed her against the wall.

His lips were soft and gentle against hers, but ever so slowly becoming more demanding.  Her hands reached up and her fingers slid into his hair.

And the voice in her head changed.  Now, all she could hear was one single word.

More.

"Jim."  She managed to eek out his name as he pulled back slightly.

"Yeah."  He smiled as he rested his forehead against hers

"I…"  She began.

He swallowed audibly, glad to know that they're on the same page. "Yeah…"

"Please…"  She begged as her eyes fluttered close.

His hands aren't as gentle as before and he's pulling, tugging, all the while never letting his mouth leave some portion of her body, whether lips or skin.  

Her own hands are just as impatient, she's dying, simply dying to know what it feels like to be closer to him.

They tumbled to the bed and she landed with a bounce, a smile lighting up her whole face as she gazed up at him.

"Jim…" She breathed as she twisted slightly to pull her arm from the sleeve of her t-shirt.

His eyes roamed over her appreciatively when what she wears underneath was revealed.

"This should be weird."  She managed between kisses.  She looked up at him, her brow wrinkled.

He gave her a knowing look.  "I know, right?"  He replied, getting back to the task at hand.  His hands moved over her, peeling away layers until there's nothing at all between them.

"Bizarre actually."  She whispered as she shifted against him again, nibbling along his bottom lip.  She ran her tongue gently over his until they parted over hers.  

She laughed into his mouth and he pulled back.

"Hey Pam?  This is not exactly the time for laughing."  He looked at her menacingly.

"Jim."  Unable to stop herself she continued to giggle as she dragged his face back towards hers.  "You need to remember, you're like only the second person I've ever really kissed.  And definitely only the second person I've ever been with…like this…"  She looked up at him, eyes wide as his hands moved over her skin, leaving her wanting more with every touch.

He stopped short and stared at her pretending to be horrified.  "Oh.  So no pressure."  He shrugged as his expression changed and he smiled back at her.

"No.  No pressure."  She whispered as Jim set about to finally give her something to compare to.

"Trust me."  He promised her as he buried his nose in her hair.  "I'm up for the challenge."

"I can see that."  She laughed into his shoulder. 

"OK.  You're going to give me a complex if you don't stop laughing." He warned her as he took her mouth again. 

"I'm sorry.  I'll stop."  She promised, trying her best to keep a straight face.

"You better."  His hands moved lower, hoping he'd finally be able to distract her.

"Jim."  She gasped as she arched against him.

"Yes?"

"I..."  She murmured, far from laughing now and completely overwhelmed.

She didn't need to finish the sentence at all.  "I know."  He nodded finally believing it himself.  "Me too."

~After~

Commencement

Moonlight streams through the window as her eyes flutter open.  She leans up on her elbow and watches him sleeping, the length of his eyelashes stirring a pang of jealousy.

As she runs a hand through his tousled hair only one thought enters her mind.

Could he be any more perfect?

She knows in reality he's not perfect at all.  He's a little too stubborn and sometimes he doesn't quite hold his tongue when he should.  He could be incredibly devious and his practical jokes sometimes border on cruel.  She knows he's not perfect.  Not really. 

But the way that he loves her absolutely is.

Her fingers itch to capture the way he looks forever.  She slips from the bed and reaches for the first thing she can find.  She slips into his discarded tee shirt and breathes in deeply as it slides over her head. 

It smells just like him.  Wearing it makes her feel like she's climbed right into his skin.

Pam tiptoes over to the desk hoping to find a pen and a piece of hotel stationary.  The drawer squeaks and rumbles in her attempt to open it.  She doesn't want to wake him, and is thankful when spies Jim's messenger bag on the floor near the chair and sinks down next to it, flipping it open and rummaging inside.

Jim turns and is surprised to find himself alone.  He wakes slowly, still in a kind of haze, not really fully understanding what had just happened.

She loves him - deep down he'd always known that but the way she had just shown him was something different.

He'd been completely overtaken and overwhelmed.  She wasn't at all aggressive, just deliberate and determined.  She had been unwavering in her mission and he had to say he enjoyed every moment of it.

Soon after he done his best to reciprocate until they ended up wrapped together and falling into a deep and sated sleep.

He sits up slowly and sees her, sitting on the floor next to the bag he always took with him to work. 

He thinks he hears her breath hitch as he watches her.

Slipping from the bed, sleepy eyed and now clad only in his boxers, he walks up behind her. 

She didn't stir at all as he pressed a hand to her back and knelt beside her.

"Hey."  He whispers against the side of her neck. 

She was crying.  He knew for sure now as he tasted the salt of her tears on her skin.

Her hand reaches up to rest against his cheek.  But she still doesn't speak.  She leans back and sinks against him a bit.

He's so warm.  She thinks as she rests against him.  She knows now that even in the dead of winter he is unbelievably warm.

He took her shoulders and made her face him.   "Pam?"

"Jim."  Her voice breaks a bit as she says his name. 

He runs his hands gently through her hair, pushing it off her tearstained cheeks.  "What's the matter?"

"You…"  She stares down at the sketchbook and pencils in her lap.  "When did you start carrying this stuff around?"  

"Oh."  He looks a little embarrassed.  "I just thought some time when I was with you - you might get the urge to draw and would need it."  He shrugged.

"I can't…I never even imagined…"  She gazes deeply into his eyes.

"What?" 

"No one has ever loved me the way that you do."  She whispers.  "How am I ever going to catch up to you?"

He didn't understand.  "What are you talking about?"

"I tried.  Tonight I wanted to show you that I've finally gotten it.  That I knew how lucky I was but then you have to go and do something else…amazing.  I don't think I'm ever going to be able to keep up with you."

What was she trying to say?  She was nuts was all he could think.

"It's not a contest Pam…"

His words didn't even register.  "I woke up and I just wanted to sketch you.  You looked so peaceful - the way you were sleeping so I figured you might have a pen or some paper in here but no…"  She shook her head.  "Of course not.  You'd go one step further.  You'd carry around a sketchbook just in case I needed it."

She shakes her head at him, her eyes bright.  "I don't…I'm not sure I deserve you at all."

He doesn't know exactly what to do or say.  This seemed like a huge conversation and they were both tired.  He tries to brush her off. 

"Pam.  C'mon.  It's not that big a deal."

"And the fact that you don't even think so is the most amazing thing of all."  She looks at him in awe.

He reaches down and pushes the book aside, pulling her close.  "You're crazy."

"Jim.  It's not funny."  She replies as she clings to him. "I bet you've already bought me a ring haven't you?"

His heart stopped beating for a moment.  He pulls back slowly and looks at her stunned.  He couldn't believe he'd been so transparent.

She could see the truth in an instant.  He didn’t need to answer her.  It was written all over his face.

"Pam.  Look.  I'm not trying to rush you at all."  He swallows and fights to explain himself.  "I'll wait.  I know that you…"

She cuts him off with a long, lingering kiss.  "Yes."  She breathes as she kisses him again.

"What!?"

"I've made too many mistakes.  I can't afford to make another one." She replies.  "I'm telling you now.  I'm saying yes."

He couldn't believe this was even happening.  What the hell as come over her?  "OK Pam.  I kind of had another whole thing in mind entirely for when I actually asked…"

"And I'm going to move to Stamford as soon as I can."  She looked so earnest he almost laughed.  "I know I've been dragging my feet but the truth is I'm so tired of having to sleep by myself…"

He opens his mouth and tries to find his voice.   "OK Pam…"

"Don't even say anything.  You can't stop me."  She cuts him off again, her voice commanding.

"OK.  OK."  He laughs as he pulled her close again.  He figures he can tell her later that it looks like he'll be transferred back to Scranton soon anyway.  "Listen. Trust me.  I wasn't about to try and stop you."

"God Jim."  She takes his face in her hands and kisses him soundly.  "I love you…"

"I know."  He replies, his voice muffled against her lips.  "I love you too."

He stands and pulls her with him, bringing her back towards the bed.  They sway in time with their kisses, so that they're really almost dancing by the time they get there.

"Now.  About the other thing…"  He whispers as she lies back against the pillows shifting to allow him to lie beside her.  "This ring thing…"

"Yeah."  She smiles up at him - her arms reaching up to pull him towards her.  "Even though you know my answer you're still not going to get off that easy."

"Demanding aren't you?"  He teases as he touches his lips to hers, briefly.  "What if I told you it came from a bubble gum machine?  Or a Cracker Jack box?"

She laughs at him then and he thinks - no he knows - that there's no better sound in the world. 

Her eyes are dancing as she replies.  "Honestly?  I wouldn't care.  I don't even need a ring."  She promises him, melting under his touch when his hand skims over the thin cotton of the shirt to caress her stomach.  "But whatever it looks like - if I take it does it mean I get to marry you?" 

Even though she says the words she hopes he knows she's kidding.  Well.  Half kidding.  She really would like a nice ring…

He holds his breath again.   He can't believe this is even happening.  He'd waited for so long to get to this point. 

"Yeah."  He nods.  "You do."

"OK then."  She smiles widely as his mouth covers hers once more.

Does this mean they're engaged?  Even so he figures he could still surprise her.  In a way it'll be even more fun now, knowing exactly how it'll all work out.

"Pam…"  He eases back and runs a hand over her hair.

"Yeah?"

His eyes hold hers as he asks.  "Do you really?"

"Yeah."  She replies, pulling him back to her again.  "I really…"

"Sometimes....there were times that I didn't think it would ever happen…"  He sighs against her neck as he settles on top of her.

She smiles, loving the feel of his weight on her.  "I know."  She moves under him and he lost his concentration for a moment.  "I thought for sure I'd screw it up."

He laughs again, even though it wasn't really all that funny.  "You're just lucky I'm a patient man."  He shifts so he can see her face.

She runs a hand over his cheek as she replies, her voice somber.  "I am.  Very lucky."

He can't stand the way she is beating herself up.  He only wants her to be happy. 

He leans up on his elbows and gazes down at her intently.  "Stop.  It's OK.  You don't need to do anything Pam.  I have everything I need.  Right here.  You have to know by now.  All I ever wanted was you."

"I know that."  She promises him.  "I know…"

His lips twist into a grin as he eases back down, his hands moving slowly, running over every inch of her. 

His mouth follows closely behind as he whispers against her skin.  "Let me just make sure of that."