~
Michael: "Tonight the Scranton Business Park is hosting a charity date auction. All the men here will be participating. And, um, that includes everyone. This is an equal opportunity charity date auction, so it's mandatory and compulsory. And fun. Well, fun in a charitable way."
~

The staff sits in the conference room, bored and uncomfortable as Michael goes over the details of the First Annual Scranton Business Park Charity Date Auction.

"So," Michael is saying, "everyone wear your Sunday best. Jim, you might want to comb your hair. Creed, maybe you splash on some cologne. And Stanley - "

Stanley sighs and without looking up from his crossword puzzle, responds, "I will not be participating."

"Yes you will. It's mandatory!" Michael protests, but Stanley just shrugs.

"I am married, and I will not be participating."

Michael looks like he's going to say something else, but he holds his tongue for a second before relenting. "Okay, fine, Stanley's out. But no one else is married, so - "

Jim interrupts him. "No one else is married, but several of us are in relationships. I think it's kind of inappropriate for - "

"Charity!" Michael shouts. "It's... for... charity, Jim." He turns his attention back to the group. "That's it; no more exceptions! I mean, come on, people, I'm doing it and I have a live-in girlfriend, which is practically married."

Oscar raises his hand. "Um, Michael? Remember that I am gay?"

Michael stares. "What's your point? There should be plenty of gays there to bid. Next question!"

~
Angela: "This is just another form of prostitution. For charity." She rolls her eyes.
~

Jim is leaning over the reception desk, popping a jelly bean into his mouth.

"So how much are you willing to spend on me?" he asks Pam.

"What do you mean?" she replies, looking up at him innocently.

"Well, you are going to bid on me," he chuckles.

She smiles, and says, "I don't know. I haven't decided yet."

He glares at her. "Yeah, sure."

"No, seriously. I mean, I can date you for free. Why would I pay for it? I was thinking a night out with - " She looks around the office, realizing the pickings are slim. " - Oscar would be nice."

Jim laughs and heads back to his desk. Pam calls after him, "What? You don't believe me?"

~
Jim: "Yeah. Things with Pam are going really well." He smiles and blushes slightly.
~

Jim is looking through the fridge. Kevin enters the kitchen and says, "Hey Jim, is Pam going to bid on you?"

Jim shrugs. "Yeah, I'm assuming so."

Kevin sighs. "I'm not sure I can get Stacey to go tonight. She says maybe it would serve me right if some old hag won me." He lowers his voice. "You don't think... Meredith... is going to bid, do you?"

The question leaves Jim speechless, and for the first time he starts to worry that maybe Pam was being serious about not bidding on him. Just then she enters the kitchen, as Kevin leaves with his lunch.

"Hey," Jim says in a whisper, "you weren't serious, were you?"

"About not bidding on you? I don't know yet." She grins mischievously.

He leans closer to her, inches away, and whispers in her ear, "You can't do that to me. I would never forgive you if someone like Meredith..."

Pam starts to giggle, and puts her hands over her mouth.

"Shut up," Jim says, playfully poking her in the ribs. "You don't know what sort of damage that would do to my psyche."

She strides over to the ladies room door, and says over her shoulder, "Actually, that may be something I'd like to see."

~
Andy: "I can guarantee you that I will bring the highest bid tonight. How? Maintaining eye contact, name repetition, and showing off my physique with flattering clothing. Works like a charm." He pauses. "Oh, and I convinced Kelly to bid on me to make Ryan jealous."
~

Kelly sits in her cubicle, staring off into space. Andy approaches and slips a twenty dollar bill onto her desk, which she immediately pockets, with a smile.

~
Kelly: "Ryan is going to be there tonight, and I am NOT leaving there without a date to rub his nose in. Okay, that sounded totally gross but you know what I mean."
~

Angela and Dwight stand at adjoining vending machines in the break room, not making eye contact.

"But, monkey, Michael says it's mandatory," Dwight says, pleadingly.

"Mandatory! You might as well call it a Man-Whore Auction. I would expect something like that from a genuine man-whore like Jim, but not you." She turns and flounces out of the break room. Dwight stands there, dejected.

~
Dwight: "The Schrutes have a long history of finding the perfect mates. That's why our genes are so strong." He thinks for a moment. "I'm not sure how many of my ancestors found their mates through a charity date auction. I suspect not many. Except for my Great Uncle Otto." He sighs.
~

Michael stands in front of the reception desk and announces, "May I have your attention everybody? In anticipation of tonight's charity event, everyone is free to leave early to go home and get ready. And make sure you look decent. We are not going to lose out to Vance Refrigeration."

"Lose out?" Jim asks.

"Yes, lose out. We have to take in more money than them." He sees everyone's eyes on him and adds hastily, "For charity."

Jim and Pam exchange a look, and Pam suppresses a giggle.

"So, everyone, be on your way and I will see you tonight. Seven p.m. Warehouse." He waves dismissively and heads back to his office.

Everyone starts getting their things to leave. Jim stops at Pam's desk as she gathers her purse.

"What time should I pick you up?" he asks.

"Oh, I think I'll just meet you there," she replies. "I mean, what if you get a hot date and have to leave?"

Jim narrows his eyes. "That. Would not be. Funny."

Pam ignores him. "Oh, by the way I overheard Meredith telling Phyllis that you were on her list."

"Pam!" Jim pleads, but she is already walking toward the door, trying hard not to laugh.

~
Pam: "If there's one thing I know about Jim, it's that he appreciates a good prank. And he's a good sport." She looks pensive for a moment, and adds, "Usually. We'll see."
~

It's still light out as people start arriving to the auction. Jim and Pam step out of Jim's car, and as Pam turns to close her door, he grabs her hand and pulls her close. After he kisses her, she pulls back and smiles brightly at him.

"What was that for?"

"Just because," he replies, and closes her door for her.

"Oh no. Don't you think you're going to bribe me using kisses and gentlemanly behavior," she teases.

He laughs. "I guess you saw right through me. By the way, you look beautiful tonight."

She swats him on the chest and takes his hand, and they walk toward the warehouse together.

Meanwhile, Dwight has also arrived, exiting his Trans Am and smoothing out his dead grandfather's tux. He looks around the parking lot, apparently hopeful, but his shoulders sag and he sighs when he doesn't see what he is looking for. He does, however, run into Andy, who is wearing a mint green man-cardigan over a bright yellow shirt, unbuttoned down to the third button.

Dwight sneers at him. "Where are you going, the circus?"

"Where are you going, the... circus?" Andy retorts, faltering.

~
Andy: "Man-cardigans are all the rage these days. The ladies love a man in a cardigan. And bright colors. And chest hair. So why not combine them into a bona fide lady-magnet ensemble?"
~

A shadowy figure has entered the parking lot from outside the gate. It is a woman, in big sunglasses, the rest of her face hidden by an enormous hat.

~
Oscar: "Yes, I'm here, and no, I have no idea why. Well, okay, I recently split up with Gil. And this is about as good a place to get a date as any. Even if it's a woman." He shrugs.
~

Inside the warehouse, Pam sits down at a table as Jim goes off to get her a drink. She sees Toby and waves.

"Hey Toby!"

"Oh, hi Pam," he answers, glancing around for Jim. "You here alone?"

"Oh no, Jim just went to get drinks. Do you want to sit with us?" She gestures toward an empty seat.

Toby nods politely, sits down, and then looks down at a piece of paper in his hand. "I'm number 29," he says. "How many guys are in this auction?"

"Thirty or so, I think" Pam replies.

"That's... just... great," he mumbles, as he crumples the paper and shoves it in his pocket.

Jim returns and hands Pam her drink, greeting Toby as he sits down. "I'm number 11," he says, showing her his number. "Guess who's number one?"

Pam mock-thinks. "Let me guess. Michael?"

"You would be wrong!" Jim laughs, taking a sip of his drink.

"What? No, Michael always makes himself number one."

~
Michael: "Yeah, under normal circumstances, I would make sure I got to go first. But somehow, someone at Vance Refrigeration was put in charge of the numbering system, and they said it was 'random.'" He uses air quotes. "So I got number four instead, which isn't so bad, because those first few guys are just appetizers anyway. The real bidders will be looking for the main course."
~

Kelly is sitting at a table with Andy (number 13), nodding as he blabs on about something and she distractedly stirs her seven and seven. Suddenly she sits up and her eyes go wide as she sees Ryan enter the room. She quickly grabs Andy by the shirt and plants a kiss on his lips. When she realizes Ryan didn't see, she lets go abruptly, leaving Andy in somewhat of a daze. But Ryan soon glances in their direction and she grabs Andy again, pleased with herself that this time Ryan noticed.

~
Ryan: "Corporate sent me down here to make sure things didn't get out of hand. So, yeah. Wish me luck on that one."
~

Jim is whispering to Pam and she responds with a giggle. Toby shifts uncomfortably in his seat and then excuses himself to go get a drink, although he's fairly sure that neither Jim nor Pam heard him.

"So... what if I promised you a special treat if you make sure you win me?" Jim asks slyly.

"Does it involve chocolate?" Pam asks.

He thinks for a moment and then nods. "It could." He leans closer and whispers something in her ear.

"Jim!" Pam exclaims with mock indignation. "I do not put out on the first date!"

"Really? I seem to remember differently."

This time she blushes as she laughs. Their flirtation is interrupted, however, by the property manager, Billy Merchant, making an announcement that the auction will start soon, and could everyone take their seats. Michael, however, hovers near the stage, seemingly intent on making his own announcement. Jan suddenly appears and pulls him away, rolling her eyes as she sets him in a chair.

"And so the fun begins," Jim mutters, as Pam grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze.

The first guy to take the stage is a Vance Refrigeration employee, Gino something or other. He looks smarmy and arrogant. Bidding stops at $18, won by a middle aged Italian lady near the front. Probably his mother.

Michael is getting antsy. He keeps trying to get up, but Jan holds him back. When it is finally his turn, he sprints up and hands the auctioneer (who, as it happens, is a real auctioneer) a piece of paper.

"I made some changes to my profile," he says. The auctioneer reads it over and looks strangely at Michael.

~
Michael: "It's just like a resume. Keep it simple, and embellish a little, if need be."
~

"Okay, up next we have Michael Scott, 40... ish?, brown hair, can bench press 160 pounds, runs 10 miles a day..."

Jim and Pam exchange a look and stifle a laugh between them.

"... owns a Sebring, makes a great spaghetti bolognese, earns $100,000 a year..."

Jan glares up at Michael sternly.

"... owns a copy of the... ahem... kama sutra, and is well versed in the art of... origami?"

~
Michael: "Women love men that are crafty like that."
~

"Okay, we'll start the bidding at ten dollars. Who will give me ten? Ten dollars. Right there to the lady in the front."

Jan nods weakly and takes a sip of her drink.

"Who will give me fifteen? Fifteen dollars for this fine specimen?"

Jim does a spit take as he's drinking his beer. "Fine specimen?" he whispers to Pam, who replies, "Phyllis said he was a horse auctioneer." They both try not to snort as they start laughing.

"Fifteen to the redhead in the middle."

Meredith holds up her drink and makes a "wooot!" sound.

"How about twenty? Who's got twenty? Twenty dollars here for Michael Scott. Who will give me twenty?"

He's stuck at twenty for several uncomfortable minutes before Jan bids again.

"Okay, twenty-three? Who will give me twenty-three? Twenty-three dollars for this strapping fellow?"

Jim turns to Pam with an evil look in his eye. "Pam," he whispers, "you have to bid on Michael."

"What? Like hell!"

"No, listen... if he doesn't get more bids, who knows what kind of scene he'll make? Plus, you know Jan is going to get him anyway." He thinks for a second. "Unless she's into threesomes..."

Pam looks at him, horrified.

"Just do it," he says. "Trust me."

She slowly raises her hand and says, "Twenty-five." She narrows her eyes and mutters to Jim, "So help me God, if I win him..."

"Look at it this way," he says, "you and Michael and me and Meredith can double date."

Meanwhile, the auctioneer is prompting for a thirty dollar bid. No one obliges for several long, agonizing moments before he drops the bid to twenty-seven, and Jan raises her hand. Michael forces a smile.

"Do it again," Jim says to Pam.

"No!"

"Come on, Pam, it's not like you're saving your money for me." He reaches over and raises Pam's hand as he squeaks in a terrible girly voice, "Thirty!"

All eyes on Pam again, and she hisses, "I will kill you, Jim Halpert." He smiles and kisses her hand, but she pulls it away and crosses her arms to pout.

The auctioneer then asks for thirty-two dollars. Meredith, who by this point is pretty hammered, woots out the next bid. Michael looks momentarily terrified before Jan, who is also pretty drunk, raises the big to thirty-five.

There were no more bids after that, so the auctioneer declares Michael sold to Jan Levinson for thirty-five dollars (check to be made out to the Lackawanna County Humane Society).

~
Michael: "No, it's good. I mean, it would have been weird if someone's grandma had won me. Or Meredith. Yuck. That would just... make me... vomit. Plus Jan said that if someone else won me she would have to come along on the date, so it all worked out. I guess." He sighs wistfully.
~


"Hey, look..." Jim nods over to where Meredith is sitting. She has passed out on the table, her face in a plate of nachos. "Looks like I had nothing to worry about after all."

Pam laughs. "Yeah, but there could be someone else equally as creepy. Like Marjorie." She glances over to where the part-time employee was sitting. "I bet you she has some dark secrets, like a cage in her basement or something like that."

He snickers. "Yeah, right. Probably the most threatening thing about her is that she has like eighty cats."

"Well, maybe that's what the cage is for, then."

Two guys from Hector-Freemont Management Associates are next, and they earn bids of $120 and $88, respectively. Michael looks affronted, and tells Jan he needs "some air."

Dwight is number seven, and he goes up to the front as he straightens his tie and clears his throat.

The shadowy woman from the parking lot, still wearing the big sunglasses, makes her way to an empty seat closer to the front, waiting to make her move.

~
Dwight: "I expect to command a respectable price. I wrote up my profile outlining my outstanding characteristics and martial arts training. Where will I take my date? Well, first, I would probably take her to my beet farm, and show her the process of growing a beet from start to finish. It sounds romantic, but actually, well, let's just say I am not in the market for romance at this time." He half-smiles somewhat creepily.
~

"Next up we have Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin.  He owns a working beet farm, is a green belt in karate, is an assistant sempai, is a Jedi master..."  At this the auctioneer looks puzzled, shakes his head slightly, and stops reading as he tosses the pa0per aside.  "Anyway, can I have ten dollars for Mr. Schrute?"

Dwight glares at the auctioneer angrily.  "Actually, you forgot..."

"Ten dollars.  Who will give me ten dollars?"

There is silence for a few seconds until the mysterious woman near the front yells out "One hundred dollars!"

Everyone stares.  Especially Dwight.  Pam and Jim look at each other and mutter "Angela!" at the exact same time.  Jim gets a look of recognition on his face and whispers, "Wait, do you know?"

Pam nods eagerly.  "Wait, when did you...?"

"They were making out in the office once.  I - " he shudders a bit at the memory, " - saw them.  How long have you known?"

Pam looks away.  "A while," she whispers, so low he can barely hear her.

He chuckles.  "So what's a while?"

She takes a sip of her drink and swallows.  "A couple of years..."

"What!?  Why didn't you tell me?"

Meanwhile, no one else has bid and the auctioneer has declared the lovely lady in the disguise as the winner of Dwight.  Dwight realizes who his high bidder is and makes an overly nonchalant show of departing the makeshift stage as he nods curtly to Angela, who is equally as inept at trying to slip away to the back of the warehouse without any eyes on her.

Pam tells Jim they'll talk about it later.  He is a bit annoyed that she kept such a huge piece of information from him for so long.  All that potential for messing with Dwight was squandered.  But it is soon forgotten as Creed takes the stage next and everyone's jaws hang open in shock as the auctioneer reads his profile.

"Creed Bratton, quality assurance manager for Dunder Mifflin Scranton, successful entrepreneur, and former lead guitarist of the rock band the Grass Roots."

A small contingent of 60-something ladies at a table near the middle jump up and whistle and holler.  Some of them are holding up signs that say things like "Creed Rocks My World."  Jim turns to Pam and says, "Did you know about that, too?"

Pam sits there slack-jawed and shakes her head.  "So, let me get this straight.  Creed was a... rock star?  Are they sure?  He could have just made it up.  Actually, he must have made it up."  Jim nods, but the applause and enthusiasm from the grandmothers' table makes them both wonder.  He mumbles, "Let's just check that out on the internet when we get home."

Creed ends up going for a whopping five hundred dollars, to Mrs. Doris Bainbridge, who insists her dead husband would approve because he was a huge fan.

~
Creed:  "Yes, I still have a rather large fanbase.  Mostly women.  Some men, though most of them are dead by now.  I don't like to talk about it much."
~

In the meantime, Dwight and Angela have slipped away into the parking lot, where they are deep in conversation behind someone's large SUV.

"I thought you didn't approve?" he asks her.

"I don't.  But the thought of you going out with some bimbo..." She stops herself.  "Well, it's for the Humane Society, isn't it?  And they do good work with cats."

Dwight stares at her for a minute and says, "This means we have to go out on a real date now.  Like, in public.  Where someone might - " he looks around stealthily, " - see us."

Angela also looks around.  "Well, it will have to be someplace dimly lit and not easily accessible by outsiders."

Dwight's mouth turns up at the corners into a creepy grin.  "I know just the place," he says.

Michael walks back into the warehouse and sits down next to Jan, looking glum.  "Hey," he says, "let's get out of here."

Jan rolls her eyes.  "Michael, you're one of the hosts.  You just can't leave.  You made all your employees come."

Michael's expression brightens, and he seems to be having some sort of internal struggle before he blurts out in one breath, "That's what she said!"  Jan puts her hand up to her eyes and shakes her head.

A few guys from other businesses in the building have been auctioned off, and now it's Jim's turn.   He suddenly gets nervous when he sees that Meredith has been revived, and he makes one last plea to Pam before going up to the front.  She simply smiles and says, "We'll see."