Dunder Mifflin’s office was dark, except for a few sparse desk lamps left on throughout the room. Most of the staff left the office earlier in the day and were participating in a special Casino Night event, taking place in the company’s warehouse downstairs. There was one, lone Mifflinite standing in the office. The low yellow lighting of the office shone off of the tears trickling down her cheeks; changing the hue of her periwinkle dress.

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    Pam Beesly was the receptionist for Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company at the Scranton Pennsylvania branch. She worked at D-M for the past three years and during this time never entertained the thought of leaving her job, until tonight. Her hands were sweating beneath her weight as she leaned her body against the top of the desk. She had faced away from it almost fearing the its sight. Her palms rested on top of the smooth surface, with her thin, long fingers gripping the edge. Her knuckles changed to a shade of white as she burst into silent tears.

    Thirty minutes earlier her best friend stopped being the charming, goofy, dependable, predictable man she knew and turned into an enigma she couldn’t decipher. He loved her; in fact he had told her as plain as day, and she didn't how to handle it. He said those exact words to her, I’m in love with you, and she faltered. She lost her breath, and was also losing her friend.

    Jim Halpert had stood before her, telling her something she had feared for years. Just two minutes earlier her fiancé had left her in Jim’s caring hands. She stood before Jim, stumbling to catch her reeling mind. He had stood there, however, expecting more. He waited for the words he’d longed to hear, but she wasn’t ready to say them. The feelings she had sensed for a long time were tossed at her and she was unprepared to catch them.

    For ten years Pam had been in a relationship with Roy Anderson. The couple had been engaged for the last three years and she was finally planning the wedding that Roy evaded for so long. The path her life had been taking hit a sudden fork with Jim's confession and she was eager to continue down the comfortable, predictable route. Her heart was telling her to follow the road less traveled but she, of course, was prepared to follow her reliable mind.

    She responded to Jim with I can’t but the words sounded more uneasy, more questionable than reassuring. Oddly enough, her heart was hoping he would answer her, you can, but to no avail. Later she understood that he must have expected her to say something else and his ears were only tuned to those three words. He wouldn’t catch anything else but I love you, no matter what she had said.

    The look strewn across his face was clear devastation. He turned away from her while a single tear rolled down his cheek. Pam had never seen Jim look so crushed and hurt, especially to have her be the one to cause his pain. She wanted nothing for him but happiness, for as long as she had been his friend. She was with him everyday and reveled in his bright smile. She always felt a small amount of internal glory to be the cause of such happiness. 

    Little did Pam realize that over time those happy feelings turned into love. She was never sure of the exact moment it happened but she knew somewhere along their journey they both changed. What Jim didn't know was that she loved him too but was scared of what that would mean for their relationship.

    For years they had their lives plotted out; she was with Roy at home and on weekends but she was able to enter this alternate universe at work and be happier with Jim than she’d ever been. There were times, of course, it didn’t seem to be that simple. She ignored the obvious reasons, she just told herself it wasn’t love it was a different kind of love perhaps. Not the heart wrenching, life altering love but the kind of love that grows between two really close friends. 

    There had been many times she shared these sentiments with her mother, or even tried to convey something to Roy without using the word love. All she wanted was an answer all she needed was the definition of what they had. 

    That is how she ended upstairs in the office, alone. She didn't set a course to make that her destination, but she just ended up there. Her fingers shaking as she reached for the phone to call her mother. She didn't realize until the cold plastic receiver was in her trembling had that she was standing at Jim’s desk. It made total and complete sense however. Her instincts had taken her past her own desk to be at his, just to feel his aura in the air. 

    Her voice was shaky, at almost a whisper when her mom answered. At first Jane Beesly was afraid of what had happened to Pam. Her worst fears were flashing through her eyes, and she was scared Roy had done something unforgivable. Pam choked on Jim’s name and her mother was relieved, but ultimately could determine what had happened.

    For years her daughter spoke very highly of Jim. Pam had on many occasions expressed her love for him to her mom but had always prefaced it with he’s my friend. He’s the best best friend anyone could ask for. Jane knew Pam was struggling with the reality that the man she called her best friend really was more than that.

    Jane asked her daughter what had happened and Pam told her everything. She told her mother that Jim expressed his true feelings and that she panicked. She didn’t know what to do; she was afraid she would lose him forever, and she wasn’t sure she could live without him.

    Jane asked her daughter the inevitable question that was hanging heavily in the air. Pam easily replied with “Yeah, I think I am.” Jane hoped her daughter would embrace her feelings now that she had accepted them, but she knew her daughter too well. Without warning, Pam was hanging up the phone and Jane asked her to please call in the morning. Pam said she would, and then hung up. 

    Jim had suddenly appeared around the corner of the front entrance. His hands were in his gray pants, and his head was lowered to the floor. He had heard her voice down the hall, and everything inside of him told him to run: his gut, his brain, his legs, but he was tired of listening to those things and he followed his heart.

    His hair was a bit more frazzled than it had been downstairs in the parking lot. Pam was sure he’d run his fingers through it many times since their last meeting. He was still devastatingly handsome though and her heart fluttered against her chest as he neared her.

    When he saw her facing away from him, clutching his phone, he knew she just lied to him downstairs. When she told him he misinterpreted, she had just been too scared. There she was standing at his desk, of all places for her to make a phone call she had chosen his. He almost didn’t realize his body was headed towards her, his feet still moving as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and gripped her waist.

    Pam took a deep breath as she felt his body touching hers and his lips push firmly against her mouth. Jim’s heart was racing and he was sure if she pulled away from him now he would shatter internally, leaving him soulless and empty.

    His mind began to race as she continued to kiss him back. He questioned everything she had said. He mentally began to prepare their future together; he could visualize their lives forming in his mind. Then fear crept within his thoughts and he began to worry. He needed to hear her reassure him. Slowly he released her from his arms and moved his body a few inches away. His hands ran across her arms and found her fingers, intertwining them with his own. The two of them stood in front of each other for the first time, uncovered.

    Jim released an abundant amount of air that he had held within his lungs for, what felt like years, and was finally inhaling fresh air. He couldn’t control the smile that took over his face when he looked down at her. His eyes continued down and he felt his heart burst with glee at the sight of their hands together.

    Pam just stared at him, completely lost and disoriented. She watched his face, his reactions, and followed his eyes as he smiled. She couldn’t feel her face, his lips had just touched hers and they were still too numb to react with a replying smile.

    He suddenly felt the urge to be truthful and he told her, she had no idea how long he’d wanted to do that and to his surprise she also had the urge.

    “Me too.”

    The kiss rattled her, pulled her out of her comfort zone and released the invisible boundaries around them. She didn’t like the way this made her feel, she was nervous and scrambling for an excuse. Maybe they were just drunk, but Jim hadn’t had anything in hours and she hadn’t either. There had to be an excuse for this, the real reason couldn’t be the truth, there had to be something else causing the butterflies in her stomach.

    When Jim leaned in for a second kiss Pam’s body leaned in also but her mind began screaming at her and she stopped him. She spoke his name and he understood exactly what that meant.

    His heart fell to its final resting place as he asked her honestly if she was going to marry Roy. She replied with a nod and Jim knew he’d never be the same. He released her fingers and turned, leaving her to stand alone in the quite office once again. This time however Pam didn’t pick up the phone; she didn’t reach out and call anyone. She stood frozen in place, almost glued to the position her feet were in.

    Her mind was racing quickly as memories flooded her thoughts. Stolen glances, warm smiles, staring eyes, obtained touches and in the 27 seconds after he left she realized what she just missed. She ignored it for so long and those few seconds her brain finally broke free and connected to the pulsing heart inside her chest. The most important organs of her body were finally communicating and she was willing to accept the truth.

    It was too late, however. Jim was gone. He tried, twice, and she denied, twice. Pam was sure he wasn’t going to try again, and she couldn't blame him. How could their relationship be fixed from this? How could they possibly go back?

    A sensation Pam had never experienced before crept deep within her. She was now officially alone. The one thing holding her to this world was gone; she had no idea how important he had been. Now that he was gone, she felt so empty.

    She felt her face dampen and knew she was crying before she could stop the tears from flowing. She didn’t care if she went home red in the face now, she didn’t care if Roy would question her or try and pry. She had officially lost hope.

    Her legs began to shake, and her knees gave way as her small body collapsed to the floor. She put her face in her hands and sobbed loud and hard and didn’t care if anyone heard her. She curled up her legs to her body and pulled out Jim’s chair from the underside of his desk. She pushed it hard and it fell when the back wheel snagged against the carpet. She turned her body and rolled under Jim’s desk hiding in the darkness. She cried as hard as her body would allow. 

    She was purging every emotion she’d ever felt towards Jim, and towards Roy. Her tears were changing from fear and sadness, to guilt and anger. She was startled when her cell phone began to ring. It was in her purse, which was lying on Jim’s desk just above her head. She feared it would be Roy, he would be wondering where she was and she was sure he would hear that she’d been crying.

    She reached her hand up and gripped the handle pulling it down towards the ground. When she pulled the black phone from her purse she was relieved it wasn’t Roy.

    “Angela?”

    “Pam? Jim told me that Roy left and that you were going to need a ride home? Are you still here?”

    Angela Martin was a co-worker who lived in Pam and Roy’s neighborhood and who was always willing to be the designated driver for any and all of her co-workers. Pam was surprised to hear that Jim told Angela she would need a ride home. No matter what Pam had done to him, no matter what he had felt, he still cared.

    “Yeah. I’m still here. I’m upstairs.”

    “Pam? Are you crying?”

    “No, I’m fine.”

    “Well, I was going to leave in five minutes. Do you want me to take you home?”

    “Yes, thank you. I’ll be there.”

    “I hate to pry, are you ok? Jim seemed a little upset too. Did you two have a fight? Will this affect your work performance? Should I inform Michael or Dwight perhaps?”

    “No, Angela. I’m fine, I don’t know about Jim, but no, it’s just been a long night. I’ll see you downstairs in five minutes. Bye.”

    Pam couldn’t bring herself to tell Angela the truth. Angela was a nice woman and had confided in Pam once, but Pam didn’t feel close enough to share this life shattering information with her. She just wanted to hold it in, deal with the emotion all herself, no one else would understand. The only person who might, was also going through the same thing and Pam was sure she couldn’t talk to him.

    She shakily brought herself up on her feet and lifted Jim’s chair from the floor. She sat down in it and his scent wafted into the air surrounding her. She closed her eyes and let a few more tears fall before she stood up and walked into the bathroom to collect herself.

    By the time Pam sat down in Angela’s passenger seat there were no remnants of tears remaining on Pam’s face. Angela eyed her cautiously before they pulled out the parking lot. Pam just turned her face to stare out the window. She could see across the dark asphalt, Jim’s car was still there. She swallowed hard and tried to stop the tear she could feel forming in the corner of her right eye.

    So alone.

Chapter 2

    Pam silently slid in through her front door, and gently closed it behind her. The dark small living room engulfing her frail delicate frame. She leaned her body against the solid door and clutched her purse between her thin cold fingers. Exhaling loudly she closed her eyes, her bottom lip quivering. She nodded silently to herself, in the empty darkness, as she decided to wait to speak to Roy until morning. She realized that if she spoke to him that night it wouldn’t be a pretty ending. She wanted this break up to be more than amicable because of their history together. She also hoped that in the morning the puffiness around her eyes would subside.

    Slowly, she pulled herself away from the door and headed into their small bathroom. Feeling her way down the hall, her thin fingers running along the wall reaching for the door frame. When she stepped into the chilly bathroom, she didn't turn the light on but stood in front of the sink, pulling the medicine cabinet door open. She reached her hand in behind the mirror and pulled out a small, round bottle.

    Her head was pounding from the tears she shed earlier. She was positive the dreams and nightmares that would appear to her that evening would not allow her a wink of sleep. She poured two sleeping pills into her palm from the tiny bottle, and placed it back into the medicine cabinet. Popping the two pills on her tongue and leaning down to the faucet she filled her mouth with a gulp of water. Then tossing her head back to allow the water and the two white pills, to slip down her throat easily. This movement was almost routine for Pam now, always desperate for a quiet nights rest.

    She began taking the sleeping pills on a regular basis once Roy decided to set a wedding date. She was anxious, for years, to finally start this chapter in their lives but the fact that it was actually going to happen frightened her. There were so many nights where she laid in bed awake, staring up at the ceiling for hours. The pills became the only thing that could calm her constantly moving mind. She was taking them every night now.

    Stepping back out into the vast darkness, she skimmed her fingers along the wall back out to the living room. She brushed against the couch and sat down pulling the soft cashmere blanket down from the back, wrapping herself up in it. Her body tilted sideways and she placed her head down on the soft throw pillow, curling her legs up underneath her.

    Instead of trying to fumble her way to the bedroom and possibly waking up Roy, she decided to sleep in the living room on the couch, in her dress. If Roy asked her in the morning why she didn't change she would just tell him she didn't want to wake him; the real reason she would keep to herself.

    She wanted to place her hands over her stomach and continue to feel Jim's warmth upon the fabric. Hopelessly wanting to be close to him tonight; she needed to know he was still there for her, even if he wasn't physically there. She eventually fell asleep, the effects of the sleeping pills washing over her and allowing her a moment of peace. She dreamt of him, and of Roy. Some were sad, some were happy but all ended the same... she was alone.

    Michael hung up the phone and slowly stood up. After a few seconds he headed to the door and pulled it open quietly. He cleared his throat and crossed his arms protectively in front of his chest.

    "Um... Jim has decided he doesn't love us anymore and is transferring to Stamford." His voice was quiet and shaky.   

    Phyllis was the first to speak up. "What did you just say Michael?"

    Pam had heard him however.

    "I said," Michael raised his voice loudly, "Jim's gone! He's... not coming back. He doesn't like you Phyllis and that's that!" He threw his arms up in the air and turned around toward Pam. "Pam! Did you know this?" He stomped over to her desk with fervor.

    "What? No! No... I, oh god. Michael I have to go."

    She leaned down beneath her desk and grabbed her purse and pulled her coat off of the rack and ran out the door. She couldn't listen to Michael, she couldn't hear the rest of the story. It couldn't be true, he didn't just call Stamford this morning and ask to be transferred, that's not how it worked. She ran to the elevator and stepped inside. As it slowly made it's decline to the first floor she was trying to wrap her brain around the news, trying to piece it all together.

    "He can't leave," she whispered to herself.

    When the doors opened she walked out in a daze. She stepped into the small lobby of their building and quietly headed to the front door. She couldn't feel her feet. She couldn't tell that she was touching the ground. She couldn't even feel her heart beating beneath her chest. Her life was changing before her eyes and she had no control over it.

    The bright sun blinded her as her small shoes stepped out into the parking lot. This time she let herself glance around looking for his car, it wasn't there. He wasn't playing a trick on her. He wasn't joking around, and he wasn't hiding. He wasn't going to pop out of the bushes and yell surprise. He was gone. She placed her hand over her face and sat down on the cement hard. She let her face fall into her hands and released the tension, stress, and emotions she'd been holding all morning with warm salty tears.

    "Pam?"

    She looked up quickly and saw Roy coming around the corner.

    "Oh, Roy!" She stumbled up to her feet and started to wipe at her face.

    "Michael just called the warehouse." He reached out for her and put his hand on her shoulder. She instinctively pulled away from his touch and turned from him.

    "I'm okay, it's nothing, really. I guess I'm just sort of emotional today or something."

    Roy shoved his hands into his pockets and lowered his voice. "He said Jim's transferring."

    "Oh, yeah. I guess he just called."

    "Jim didn't tell you?"

    She silently shook her head.

    "I thought you guys were best friends."

    "Yeah." She huffed out a fake laugh and turned to face Roy. "I guess we aren't. Hey can I have the keys? I sort of need to get away for a little bit?"

    Roy fumbled in his pockets and pulled out the truck keys. "Yeah, sure, don't worry about it. If you don't come back I'll have Darryl drop me off."

    "That's good, I uh, I probably won't come back. I'll just see you at home." She smiled shyly and leaned in taking the keys and kissing him delicately on the cheek.

    "Okay, well call if you need anything. I love you."

    "I will, it's not a big deal or anything, I just need to get out of here. I'll probably be home when you get there." She looked down at the keys in her small hand and nodded. Then she turned and walked away briskly. She wanted to run, to feel her feet bounce off the ground. She wanted to let go, of everything, but she couldn't.

    Not yet.

    Pam quickly got into the truck, and pulled the door hard behind her. Slamming the key into the ignition, she revved the engine angrily. Then throwing her seatbelt on, she pulled out of the parking spot quickly and left Roy and Dunder-Mifflin behind her.

     She didn't know where she was going, and at this point didn't care. Her heart was beating quickly, and she felt her lungs gasping to hold onto air. Her face was drenched with tears and she was rubbing her knuckles into her eyes trying to wipe them clean.

    The stop light ahead of her turned yellow and she had to slam on the brakes. When the truck came to a complete stop she began banging her fists hard against the steering wheel. Closing her eyes, she rolled her head back against the headrest and screamed loudly. The tension was releasing from her chest and she was trying to clear her head. Michael's voice was ringing in her ears and she wanted it to stop. She didn't want to believe what he had said, she just wanted it to be silent.

    When the light turned green she slowly stuttered to press on the gas pedal. It was as if she'd lost the power to hold her foot up and to press it firmly enough to get the truck to move. At that moment she realized she shouldn't be on the road. She should just go home, just be alone with out having to deal with anything or anyone, but she couldn't.

    As she continued to drive, she just stared forward, not blinking, hardly breathing and letting her intuitions guide her. Eleven minutes later she turned down a residential street and began counting the houses from the end.

    "...three...four."

    She inhaled deep and felt her stomach drop as she saw the dark cherry wood door. She brought the truck to a crawl and glanced at the driveway, it was empty.

    "Where is he?"

    Small droplets of sweat began to form under her hair draped across her neck. Her heart began to race again and she finally stepped on the brake, bringing the truck to a complete stop in the middle of the road. Dropping her face down, she stared at her lap. Her shoulders drooping and her chest still shaking from the tears that refused to stop.

    How could this be? How could he do this?

    With everything they had been through and the experience they shared the night before, Pam couldn't comprehend what was happening. Her life had been flipped upside down and what she thought she knew was gone. Her head, her heart, her emotions, her intuitions, her body were all betraying her. It was as if her soul had lied to her for years and she was now paying the price.

    She didn't notice the cars slowly having to pass around her every few minutes. She didn't hear the faint honks and barking dogs of the neighborhood. All should could think about was Jim.

    She slowly lifted her fingers to her lips and pressed them softly against the skin. She was sure they were still warm from his touch even hours later. She sighed gently and pulled her hand away slowly, allowing it to drop back in to her lap. When she looked back up she realized she had parked in the middle of the road so she pulled the truck over to a side street and parked it near the corner. It was close enough to see when he came back home but possibly far enough that he wouldn't see her or recognize the truck. Pam knew that if Jim saw the vehicle he would recognize it instantly and the fear that he would confront her caused chills to rush over her spine. She wanted to be able to stay in the truck to watch but was afraid he'd see her. After a few moments of internal conflict she decided to just stay where she was and deal with it if he decided to talk to her.

    It made her angry to think that she was actually fearing the sight of him.

    Her emotions began to shift and her blood began to boil. She realized he had to have a lot of nerve to throw his emotions at her and not expect some hesitation. He knew she was engaged. He knew the situation and he decided that he wasn't having it anymore. He didn't even think of what she might have to deal with and it angered her. He had been selfish and she wanted to tell him how childish he was acting. She quickly folded her arms in front of her and huffed angrily. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was biting on her bottom lip. The tears of sorrow were morphing into blind anger.

    After 20 minutes she began to relax and remember the good times. Her heart slowed down and her eyes felt heavy. The adrenaline rush was gone and the crying had drained her emotionally. She slowly closed her eyes and felt herself drifting off. She was so exhausted she didn't even realize she was falling asleep.

****

    *tap tap tap*

    "Pam?"

    *tap tap*

    She slowly opened her eyes and felt disoriented. The sun was setting in the distance and she couldn't remember where she was.

    "Pam."

    She heard her name and turned her head to look out the window. She gasped as the memory of the morning came rushing back with one glance. She found herself eye to eye with Jim. He had been trying to wake her for the last few minutes, tapping gently on the driver's window so he wouldn't startle her.

    When he came home he noticed the truck right away. She had parked it so the front end was practically sticking out and he knew it was her. He had actually had a moment earlier in the day when he envisioned going home and she would be there waiting for him with open arms. Yet, when he saw the truck his first reaction was that she had told Roy and he was waiting there for Jim to come home. Then he saw the faint outline of curly hair and his palms began to sweat.

    When he approached the truck he kept thinking she was going to rush out and either hug him or punch him and she hadn't done either. Then he saw her through the windshield and noticed her eyes closed. She looked angelic, sleeping quietly with the sun shining through the window across her face. He had just watched her for a minute or two before he knew he had to wake her. He just wanted to enjoy the site of her.

    He had dreamt of that vision. Her laying next to him, asleep in his arms and he wanted to see what she really looked like when she slept. She was beautiful and he loved her so much. It hurt to just look at her anymore and now she was sleeping outside of his home, waiting for him.

    The emotions that were involved were so intense he knew he had to leave town as quickly as possible. It was never going to get any better, if she couldn't love him back he couldn't deal with it any longer.

    "Are you okay?"

    His voice was muffled on the outside of the glass. She ran her hands over her face and unbuckled her seatbelt slowly, then unlocked the truck door and pushed it open. Jim held onto the handle and pulled it gently for her. Her feet fell softly onto the ground below her and she suddenly felt so small. He was towering over her and she felt so vulnerable.

    "Um... what are you doing here?"

    He already knew why, well he assumed why, he just didn't know how to handle the situation. As much as their relationship had been close, and the two of them were best friends, they weren't the most honest and open about their feelings. He didn't know what to do.

    She folded her arms in front of herself and hugged her body tight. She wanted to hit him, flail her hands over and over again at his chest but she knew that wouldn't resolve anything so she hugged herself instead.

    "Michael, um... he said," she stopped and looked up at him, catching his eye and trying to read his thoughts. "Stamford?" Pursing her lips tightly, she stifled back a sob. She didn't want to stand in front of him and let him see her falling apart.

    "Yeah," he swallowed hard and felt a lump growing in his throat. "Jan, uh... she said they had an Assistant Regional Manager position and, um, that I'd be perfect. I was actually over there today, you know... checking it out."

    "Why..."

    "Pam, I wanted to say something..."

    "Stop it, just stop it. No you didn't, or you would have Jim."

    He just nodded and began chewing on his bottom lip. He shoved his hands deep into his pants pockets and felt guilty. She was right, he was hoping he was going to get to leave with out ever having to see her again. Maybe out of sight out of mind would work and he could ignore the pang that plagued him day in and day out.

    "Pam... I'm sorry but I can't stay."

    "Why? Why are you doing this?"

    He looked down at her baffled. Did she really not understand, did she really not comprehend that he was being tortured?

    "I just have to."

    "Fine. I-I really... I gotta go." She threw her arms down and turned away from him.

    He reached out and touched her shoulder, just wanting to hold her and tell her it was okay, but she pulled away in obvious pain.

    "Pam, wait."

    "No, I've been gone for awhile and Roy is probably wondering where I am. I didn't tell him I was coming here. He's probably worried."

    At the mention of Roy, Jim backed away from her and remembered his place in her heart. She would never be his and he couldn't change that.

    "Yeah, he's probably worried."

    "I'll talk to you later."

    She knew that wouldn't be true however, she knew that this was it, there wouldn't be a later. She stepped back into the truck and pulled the door tightly closed behind her. The key was still in the ignition and she turned it slowly, powering the vehicle back on.

    As she drove away, Jim just watched the tail lights disappear into the darkness.

Pam sat at her desk, later that week, in a constant daze. A smile never cracked her face no matter how hard Michael tried.

     Michael decided, just a few days after Jim left, that he didn't like how empty the space outside of his office was, so he made Ryan move out of the annex into Jim’s old desk. Michael was quick to move on, along with the rest of the Dunder-Mifflinites, but Pam could not.

    Every morning she would go to work early and hold her breath when she pushed the door open. The dark office welcomed her with silence, all the while her heart rate increasing when she stepped closer to her desk. She would raise her eyes up to Jim's old desk in anticipation, but every morning reality continued to stare back. He was never there; he was never waiting for her.

    She’d sadly sit down at her desk and pull up apartment listing websites on her computer. She’d take care of any and all business related to the wedding before her co-workers arrived between 8-9 am. She’d also check her email, constantly refreshing, just hoping for his name to show up in her inbox.

    It had been 16 days since Jim left when Pam decided she'd found the perfect apartment. She stopped by one Saturday on a whim and it had everything she wanted and was reasonably priced. The down-payment was within her price range and they had one available right away. She saw it as a sign, it really was time she left.

    Pam lined everything up with the move, before speaking to Roy. She knew his temper, knew him so well, she was afraid of how he'd react. He hadn't called since he left the other night after they "broke up" and she was scared at how he'd react when he saw she wasn't joking. It was the first time the thought of him hitting her actually crossed her mind. He'd always gotten upset and thrown items or broken dishes but he'd never touched her. She didn't know how she was going to go about telling him but she felt incredibly relieved to have her new place already set up before having to cross that hurdle. She had taken the opportunity of him out of the house, to start packing up her things.

    One night, while sitting on the floor of the living room, Pam heard Roy's truck pull into the driveway. When he entered the house, his footsteps were loud across the tile.

    "Pam?"

    "Hey." She turned around and tried to smile up at him.
    "What are you doing?" He looked around the messy living room cluttered with boxes, in confusion.

    She stammered on her breath trying to stop the words spilling from her lips.

    "I'm leaving."

    "Leaving? W-what? I thought you just needed some time." His voice hitching on the words.

    "No Roy." She turned away from him, her eyes falling to the floor in front of her. "I-I can't do it anymore."

    "Fuck, yeah whatever." He exhaled loudly and just shook his head in disbelief.

    "I'm sorry."

    "Sorry? Where are you going?" He demanded.

    "I found an apartment near work."

    "When are you leaving?"

    "Saturday."

    "This Saturday?"

    She nodded. "I'm sorry."

    "No you're not. What happened Pam? What happened between us? You can't even look at me."

    "It's just time Roy. We've grown apart. It's not the same anymore. I-I need to be alone."

    "What about me Pam? How do you think I'm supposed to deal with this? What am I going to do alone?"

    "You've got your brother, you'll be fine." She could feel him inching closer behind her.

    "Whatever. So you're going to pack up all your shit by Saturday? I'm not going to help you know? You want to leave, fine you leave, but I'm not helping you."

    "I know."

    "Who's coming over to help you? What about the wedding?"

    "I have it handled."

    "Oh, so you've been doing all of this behind my back? How long have you known Pam? How long have you decided this was over? Was it when Halpert left? Did he put you up to this?"

    "What? No, he didn't say anything about this. He doesn't even know. We don't talk anymore Roy, he's gone. This is about you and me, not Jim."

    "Yeah, right. Fuck it, I thought I'd come home and everything would be fine. I'm going back out." She heard his shoes swish on the tile. "Don't wait up, like you would anyway."

    Pam heard the truck door slam and the engine rev up in the garage. Then she watched the truck fly out by the window and down the road. She leaned her hands down into her face and cried. Tears flowing freely for the first time in a few days.

    A couple hours later she found herself in the kitchen washing a small amount of dishes, when she looked down at her hands and eyed the tiny engagement ring on her finger. She gripped it between her index finger and thumb and twisted it around delicately for a moment, then pulled it off freeing her skin from the mini-band. She lifted the ring up in front of her face and eyed it with a clear mind for the first time. She inspected how perfect it was for their relationship. It was cheap, small, and ugly. When Roy had given it to her it had been perfect. She didn't want anything flashy, in fact she hadn't even wanted anyone to notice. Now, however, it looked so sad and lonely. She set it on the kitchen counter and plunged her hands back into the water. The warm soapy liquid began washing away the tarnish of the ring, and any traces left of what Roy had been in her life.

*****

    If Pam had been a betting woman she would have laid it out that Kelly noticed first in the office that her ring was missing, however, she would have lost and lost big.

    "Pam."

    "Yes Angela." Pam looked up from her desk at the petite blonde accountant.

    "I noticed that you are no longer wearing your engagement ring. Has something happened?"

    Suddenly Pam could feel all the eyes in the office on her. Her cheeks flushed and heat rose up to her face. She swallowed hard and swiveled her chair over to face Angela on the other side of the small dividing wall.

    "Yes Angela, Roy and I have broken up. Anything else?"

    "I'm sorry to hear about that." Angela turned around avoiding anymore conversation.

    "What!?" Michael stepped from his office doorway just as Pam answered Angela. "You and Royster are over? Wow! Did you tell Jim?"

    Pam placed her hands back on her keyboard and looked down at the monitor. "No, I didn't."

    "Whoa! You should Pam, you know he had a thing for you? Whoops, never mind I didn't say anything. My bad!" Michael turned around and smiled.

    "Yeah, maybe."

    "Hey Pam." Kevin stood up from his desk. "I can tell him; he's still in my fantasy football league."

    Pam closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Thank you Kevin but no; he doesn't care, it's fine. Just please, everyone please just... I don't want to talk about it."

    Kevin slowly sat down in his seat and eyed his phone.

    "You'll be alright Pamster. I mean look at me, we'll be a great single-pair. You and me, a duo-dynamic. Do you need somewhere to live? I have an extra room. I could even move the futon that's in the living room in there."

    "No, thanks Michael I already found an apartment. But if you really wanted to help me, you could help me move my stuff. I would be grateful." Normally she wouldn't want Michael anywhere near her things, or her mother, but she was short handed and could use the help.

    Michael's smile vanished and he looked away awkwardly. "Oh, yeah sure, when are you moving?"

    "Saturday."

    Dwight suddenly stood up from his desk and addressed Pam. "If you need my assistance I would be more than happy to lend a hand, and Michael I will pick you up so we can carpool. Your vehicle will not be sufficient in helping move items anyway and therefore would be a useless piece of machinery."

    Pam smiled wide. "Oooh, thanks Dwight that would be nice. That's really sweet of the two of you. I couldn't do it without you." She looked up at Michael and gave herself a silent pat on the back, success.

    "You got it Pam, anything I can do, you can count on me." Michael turned around and gave Dwight a frustrated look and walked back to his office.

    Phyllis slowly meandered up toward Pam's desk. Pam could feel her eyes on her. She looked up from her computer and smiled and slouched down into her chair.

    "Soooo Pam, since you're not going to be getting married would you be wanting to get rid of all of your stuff? I mean the magazines and contact information? I would be happy to take it off of your hands." Phyllis smiled brightly.

    "Sure Phyllis." Pam reached over to the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet and pulled out a notebook and a stack of wedding magazines. She dropped them onto the counter top and pushed them toward Phyllis. "Have fun."

    "Oh I will." Phyllis scooped the items into her arms and walked away.

*****

    Saturday went off without a hitch. Michael didn't drop anything, Dwight didn't scare her new neighbors, and Roy avoided all of it. Her mother  stayed over that night to help her get settled in and Pam was relieved. She found herself in a new place, sleeping on a new bed and the idea that she really left Roy hadn't sunk in yet. While lying alone in the dark empty room, Pam cried herself to sleep. She had never been on her own and she felt so lonely even with her mother in the living room. The idea of being completely alone scared her and she feared it would only get worse. Jim wasn't coming back and she knew that, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. What would she do?

    The next morning she sauntered out into her living room and found her mom tidying up some boxes.

    "Good morning dear."

    "So I was thinking last night." Pam stretched her arms wide over her head and yawned.

    "What's that?"

    "I think I'm going to take some art classes at the community college."

    "That's a great idea. You've always wanted to do more graphics stuff. Didn't you say DM had some sort of summer intern thing?"

    "Yeah but that was just for this summer. From the sounds of it our budget is overbloated and there might be some cutbacks going on. I wouldn't be surprised if that ended up being one of them for next year. It's alright though. I'll get into these classes and maybe I can find a job doing some graphic design work in New York."

    "Are there still talks of downsizing around there?"

    "A little bit here and there. If anything, it'll be Scranton. With Michael and all, I'm surprised they haven't shut us down yet."

    "Do you want some tea or coffee?" Her mom stood up from the couch and headed into the kitchen.

    "Sure, some tea would be lovely."

    "So, have you heard from Jim yet?"

    "No mom" Pam sighed, she knew exactly what her mother was trying to accomplish with that line of questioning.

    "Well?"

    "I'm not calling him. He obviously needs a break, and honestly so do I. I'm just going to enjoy this new life, try and go out and do things and not think about it."

    "Well maybe it'll be good for you to be single for awhile. I don't want you to jump right into another relationship anyway. You haven't been given the chance to blossom yet. Here." Her mother handed her a large ceramic mug.

    "Thanks. Yeah, I think I'm going to enjoy this for a bit, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll even buy new clothes and try some things with my hair. I was starting to feel like a bum lately."

    "Well you know I love you no matter what."

    "Yeah I know. Well I think I'm going to work on some stuff in the bedroom. Are you going to keep working on this stuff in here?" She motioned to the boxes piled up in the middle of the floor.

    "Yep, I'm going to keep working on it."

    "Alright." Pam walked back into her bedroom and smiled. She stood in the doorway for a moment and eyed the bare white walls. They were her walls, they weren't their walls or Roy's fiancee's walls, they were Pam's. She could close her eyes and envision how she wanted it to look, and she knew that she could actually do it. Her smile spread so wide she bit her bottom lip with glee.

    Maybe it was going to be alright after all.

Chapter 9

    Weeks had passed since Jim left and Pam was getting more comfortable in her surroundings. She did still have a few instances where her initial reaction was to turn to Jim and laugh or look up at his desk to get his attention, but even those instincts were waning. Everyone in the office had respected her wishes and left her alone about Roy, mostly. Michael of course was always trying to get her to go out with him but it was a sad attempt to say the least.

    Roy had tried calling a few times but she never picked up. His voicemails were often a roller coaster of emotions. He'd go from screaming at her to breaking out in tears to begging her to come back. He ended up going through a rough patch and was arrested for a DUI. He had turned into something so pathetic Pam tried to avoid any contact with him at all. She evaded ever having to go to the warehouse and tried to park on the opposite side of the lot as him. He hadn't made the break up easy and was often tugging at her heart strings. She didn't like what he'd become. She felt some what responsible for his downward spiral and she'd often have to give herself peptalks reminding her of the terrible life she used to lead. She didn't want to go back to that; she didn't want to live that way any longer. It usually worked, until the next time he'd call and leave another wailing voicemail. Which, ironically enough, is what she probably would've sounded like if she had ever decided to call Jim, so she was lenient on Roy.

    Eventually her mom stopped asking about Jim and Pam continued to avoid conversations where his name would come up. She missed him terribly. Not only because she loved him but he had been her best friend for years and they talked every day, now he was gone. The void that he left within her made her feel so alone sometimes. She would go home from a long lonely day at work and step into an empty apartment. The nonethingness of her life was starting to consume her.

    She had overheard Dwight reading a letter he'd received in a package from Jim one day at work, and it brought a smile to her face and an ache in her chest. She used to know everything. She would've been heavily involved in that prank a year ago and now she had to overhear it from the victim himself. The thought of him still pulling pranks made her wonder if he was getting along well in Stamford. Was he pulling pranks there? Was there a Dwight there? Was there a Michael? Or a Pam? That last one always stung when it crossed her mind. There's no way he could've moved on, she would think. But just the idea that he could move on was heartbreaking.

    She'd stopped walking into the office expectantly, she stopped feverishly refreshing her email, and her stomach stopped lurching every time the phone rang. She was living with his absence and trying to get used to the way it would be from now on. She realized that she needed to live her life no matter if Jim returns or not. She needed to stop living her life for the men she had loved. She couldn't be the Roy-Pam and she wouldn't be the Jim-Pam, she needed to be 100% Pam.

    She decided to look into art classes at the community college, like she had suggested to her mother the morning after her move. They had night classes and the pricing was decent so she went for it. She wasn't a spontaneous type of girl and she often continued on the path her life was leading, hence staying with a man she didn't truly love for 10 years, but she was trying to be brave. She was trying to venture into the world with a fresh outlook on life and it seemed to be working.

    When this new "adventure" started for her a few months earlier she didn't know how to function. She didn't know what to do at work, without Jim, and didn't know what to do at home, without Roy. Since then, she was able to find her own groove. She visited local area coffee shops and bookstores. She would visit the poetry readings on the weekends and tried to find the artist within herself. She opened herself up to meeting with some of her classmates after class to get a drink or to grab some food. She was truly enjoying herself and it was completely refreshing.

    She started decorating her apartment to her tastes. At first it was difficult for her to get used to not having to compromise. She had been trying to please another person for so long that her intial reactions were never to get exactly what she wanted. That eventually passed and she loved the idea of having the things she wanted. She ate what she wanted. She shopped where she wanted. She watched the movies she wanted. Even though she had a bit of an incident confusing 28 Days with 28 Days Later, it was still her fault and she loved it.

    Work was getting more comfortable as well. She still enjoyed her role in Michael's development as a human being. She found it endearing that one time he really wanted to adopt a child but didn't reliaze that you couldn't give the child back once you were done with it. That was so Michael and she was starting to enjoy that again. Dwight was still his annoying self and everyone was perfect in their own way. She even allowed Kelly to set her up on a date. Yes, a true date date.

    She hadn't been on a date in... well ever and she wasn't sure how to go about it. Thankfully Kelly offered herself and Ryan to tag along just to keep it comfortable. Too bad they were cuddling all night and the guy looked down her top, but it still gave her ego a bit of a boost. She found herself walking taller and actually making eye contact with guys at the grocery store. She liked the idea that men found her attractive. She never imagined that anyone, other than Roy, would ever see her that way and it made her feel good.

    Just after the date debacle, Pam let Kelly order her some new clothes online. They were a bit more risque than she liked and she definitely wouldn't be wearing them around her creepy co-workers, but at least now when she would go out with her classmates she could wear something sexy. Of course she wouldn't be interested in anybody that came up to her in a bar, but it would still feel nice to be noticed.

    She was spreading her wings.

    She was living her own life.

    She was loving every second of it.

Chapter 10.

    The day had been as normal as it could be in her world. She had tried everything in her power to get Michael to accomplish some actual work. As much as he acted like a child, he was a good guy and ultimately a pretty good boss. Corporate had asked her to keep an eye on him and mark down everything he did all day. They were watching him; they were preparing for the downsizing and she knew it. It was too bad that this was also the day the pretzel vendor showed up at the business park. Sugar plus Michael was a terrible combination. He slept for most of the afternoon and she didn't think dreaming nor drooling was what corporate was looking for on his task sheet. But the man always has an ace up his sleeve. He had surprised her with a major sale at the end of the day, and she had felt an overwhelming sense of pride when she saw the fax in the basket. He had acted so nonchalant about it too, but he didn't know how important that sale had been. How utterly important it was for his job's sake.

    She was just about to leave when the phone rang. She had forgotten to turn it off so she picked it up and just answered "Dunder Mifflin". The voice on the other line wasn't expecting to hear her and she wasn't prepared for his.

    "Ah, hey." His stomach dropping to his feet.

    "Oh my God." She was embarrassed that that was her initial reaction, but it was true and realistic. She was happy to hear from Jim; she had just wished that he had intended to talk to her in the first place but she would take what she could get.

    They awkwardly said hello and avoided the ever present elephant in the room. Jim felt the overwhelming urge to explain himself and Pam just enjoyed hearing his voice. She explained why she had stayed late and having to log Michael's tasks for the day and they fell easily back into the groove. She asked him what time it was. It was funny because he was only over one state but it felt like a world away. Then, in the perfect way he does, Jim made it all better. He drew her attention away from the obvious, they avoided what they really wanted to say and joked around instead. It was their way and they perfected it so cleverly over the years that it was as easy as breathing.

    He'd lob up a softball and she'd swing hard. They laughed, joked, and shared the banality of their lives. Never delving into truly serious manners, they made it easier for each other to enjoy the conversation. They both forgot that they were still at work. They forgot they were sitting at their desks surrounded with the world of Dunder Mifflin. They shared stories, new stories, where the other wasn't involved. She told him about the Gaydar and how perfectly it had worked. He told her about the faxes he continued to send to Dwight in a never ending prank to screw with his head. They spoke of how different the offices were without the other, but never truly said how much they missed one another. They were both cautious to keep their hearts close to their chests.
   
    Jim explained how different Stamford was. They played team building video games and everyone got so into it. He said in reality, Dwight should've been the one to get the job, he would fit perfectly. There was a co-worker of his named Andy that was the perfect match for Dwight and maybe one day the two would get together. Jim explained how cosmically the two would be a great match. Pam told Jim about the funeral they had held for a dead bird that was in the parking lot. Pam said she gave the best eulogy of her life and only wished that at the next animal's funeral she could be half as good.

    They talked for hours, and eased back into eachother's hearts. They could've sat there all night, reveling in one another's voices but the conversation was awkwardly interrupted by Ryan and Dwight, Pam becoming distracted. Jim suddenly felt the overwhelming sensation of dread when she wasn't answering him. He saw that as the perfect opportunity to hang up. He knew if he didn't sieze it, he would get wrapped up again and he needed to let her go. How he missed her.

    She was surprised that he needed to hang up. She hadn't even imagined he had a life outside of work, or her, but it made sense. It had gotten late and she had already missed her Figurative Drawing class and didn't mind. When they hung up she was surprised at herself for not feeling upset. She had expected when her and Jim finally spoke she would end up in tears, that wasn't the case. She enjoyed catching up. She loved hearing him again and would continue to miss him, but this was the final nail in the old Pam coffin. He had called her Fancy New Beesly and maybe he was right. She was feeling fancy and new lately and she rather enjoyed it.

    The conversation was a perfect way to end their relationship. If she never got the chance to see him again, it would be okay. If he never called again, it would be okay. No matter where her life was headed, at this moment, she didn't care and that was okay.