Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

EXT. PARKING LOT

Dwight is locking up his car when suddenly Pam
bursts through the doors and runs towards him.

PAM
Dwight! Dwight! Oh, I am so glad
you’re here!

DWIGHT
What happened now? Did Kevin get
locked in the bathroom stall again?

PAM(getting to Dwight)
No! It’s Michael!

Dwight flings Pam aside who looks at the camera,
sort of amused. Dwight runs to the door, the camera pursuing.

DWIGHT(yelling)
Michael! Where are you?!?

Dwight enters the lobby and pounds on the elevator
button. He gets impatient and takes the stairs.
The camera follows but Dwight outdistances it.

DWIGHT(offscreen)
Michael!

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Jim is standing at Michael’s door, looking very
concerned as he peers into his office. Just then
Dwight bursts through the main doors and turns the
corner towards Jim.

DWIGHT
Where is he? What happened?

JIM
Dwight, he’s locked himself in his office.
He’s sort of crying and muttering to
himself. He won’t respond to me. I’m really frightened!

DWIGHT
Alright, alright, get out of the way.
I’m trained for just this sort of
emergency, you’re not.

Dwight moves Jim aside and looks through the door.
Jim smirks at the camera and then at Pam who has
just entered.

DWIGHT(to the door)
Michael? Michael, buddy? What’s
going on?

We see “Michael” sitting at his desk with his
head down on his desk, his arms around his head.
We hear soft sobbing coming from him.

DWIGHT
Is there a problem at home? Did… did
Jan go more crazy? Michael… talk to me!

There is more sobbing from Michael. We then see
rapid shots of Dwight trying to pick the lock, then
banging and pulling on the door, then screaming
through the blinds on the window and then finally sit-
ting with his back to the door, knocking his head
against it.

DWIGHT(muttering)
Spock… Spock…

JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(laughing)
I have an art classmate that does window displays
down at Boscov’s. And she mentioned how she has access to these great dummies…

JIM
And so do we.

PAM
Yes.(laughs) So, uh…

JIM
So, Pam, genius that she is, dreams up this
whole prank. (laughs) And, uh… it’s brilliant.
The toughest part for me…
(holds up small digital recorder)
was recording myself sobbing for an hour…

PAM
Especially with me trying to make you laugh.

JIM(shaking head)
So unprofessional…

Both laugh.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael comes in through the main doors and turns
the corner to find Jim and Pam covering up laughs at
Jim’s desk and Dwight still seated against his door.

MICHAEL
Hey… what’s going on, my peeps?

Dwight stands, obviously confused. Michael peers
through the window of his office.

DWIGHT
Michael! How…(glares out Jim and Pam)

MICHAEL
Wow… Is that me in there?

Jim and Pam walk off, snickering. A fuming Dwight
stares at them as they leave.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
After being forced to listen to Kelly INCORRECTLY
document the second World war to some idiot on her cell phone yesterday… sorry, Ms. Kapoor, but President EISENHOWER did not bomb SWEDEN…(shakes head, sighs)
…I have decided to share my intellect with my other-wise… dim co-workers. To that end I have an “Ask Dwight” box on my desk.

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

We see Dwight place the wooden box on the corner closest
to Jim. A sign on it says “Ask Dwight” in large letters.
Underneath it reads “Insert any and all questions and get the CORRECT answer!” Jim looks at the box, then Dwight and then the camera, bemused.

DWIGHT(voice-over)
I have a great deal of knowledge to share - in all
fields - and it’s about time the rampant stupidity
in this office came to an end.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
So… let’s see what we have so far.

Dwight takes a few pieces of paper out of the
box and unfolds the first one.

DWIGHT(continued)
Alright… this first one is from Michael… Um…
“Dwight. Do you know where my stapler is?”
(pause) Michael obviously has not grasped the
concept of this box, yet. (shakes his head)
Let’s look at this one… Ah. This is from Pam.
“Dwight. If I am ever in a plane crash on a
tropical island and I am the sole survivor…
what is my best course of action? Please, in
detail, list all of my options, factoring in
all possible injuries, and give me a game plan
that will best insure my continued survival.”
Now, THAT is an excellent question. That will
take some time… and I’m not… entirely certain
of Pam’s views on cannibalism. (Puts paper in
pocket)Save that for later… Ok. Let’s see…
(opens another paper) Oh HO! This is from… ah…
that nice woman, Angela. “Dwight. If my body
was dipped in German Chocolate, would you…”
OH! THAT’s… ah… (folds paper, puts it in his
pocket) Angela has a, uh… skin condition that,
uh… um… let’s move on. This next one is from…
Jim. (frowns) Um… “Dwight, if Jason Bourne and
Jack Bauer were in a steel cage match against Chewbacca and six Ewoks, who would win?”
(shakes head)Unbelievable. If there was a
machine that could measure immaturity in a man,
Jim would break it.(pause) And you would need
at least four more Ewoks to make that a fair
fight.

 

INT. THE OFFICE - JIM'S DESK

Jim is seated at his desk looking intently at a
travel website on his screen. He doesn’t notice Dwight walking up behind him and then staring at the monitor
as well.

DWIGHT
That doesn’t LOOK like Dunder-Mifflin
business… JIM.

Jim jumps a bit and then rolls his eyes.

DWIGHT(sitting down at his desk)
As the number two here, you should set a better example. Looking for where you should take your
little love accomplice for the weekend is not a
thing for the lesser ones to see.

JIM
Yes, and spending three hours looking for
Harry Potter’s address is a better usage of
company time.

DWIGHT(annoyed)
It was NOT Harry Potter’s address I was looking
for, it was J.K. Rowlings. Being a fictional character, Harry Potter’s address is immaterial.
(pause) Besides, everybody knows that when school
is in session he is at Hogwarts, located in Scotland
on one of the British Isles. It is invisible to us
Muggles, however.

JIM(shaking head slowly)
Wow. So… scared right now.

DWIGHT
BEYOND all of that, I am not the number two.
You are. Act like it.

Dwight goes back to his computer and Jim glares
at the camera. Then he smiles slightly.

JIM
Well, I STILL have to think of a good weekend
for Pam… Hey, maybe I’ll take her to New York.
(a look of horror crosses his face.) Oh my God.
I can’t take her to New York, I’ll get her killed!
What am I thinking… (shakes head)

Dwight looks up at Jim, puzzled.

DWIGHT
Why… can’t you take Pam to New York?

JIM(wide-eyed)
Did I say that out loud? Oh my God,
Dwight… You can’t… forget what I said! Please!

DWIGHT(squinting at Jim)
Jim… what’s going on?

Jim hangs his head and sighs.

JIM(low)
Ok, listen… you can’t… You mustn’t tell
ANYONE about this. You just might put
Pam’s life in danger.(pause) I’m trusting
you with this.

DWIGHT(scooting closer)
Alright.

JIM(even lower)
Pam… is in the witness protection program.

DWIGHT
WHAT? That’s ridiculous! The witness…

JIM(angry(
DWIGHT! Be QUIET!(shakes head angrily) Damn!
I KNEW I shouldn’t have told you…

DWIGHT(really affected by Jim’s reaction)
No, no, I’m sorry! I apologize… Tell me.
You can… trust me.

JIM(sighs)
Alright.(looks around) When Pam was 10
years old, Pam witnessed a Mob slaying.

DWIGHT
Oh my God.

JIM
Yeah. She and her family used to live in
New York and one day she was riding her
bike through Little Italy and she saw a
a guy get wacked.

DWIGHT(Leaning even closer)
How was he killed?

JIM
What? Oh… uh… 3 shots from a .22,
back of the head.

DWIGHT(nodding)
Nice. Very efficient.

JIM
Uh… yeah. But the Feds got their man and
Pam, the only witness, testified. After
that they moved her and her family here.
And the Corleone’s… uh, Beesly’s… have
never been back.

DWIGHT
Corleone? Wow, she doesn’t look Italian…

JIM(fighting back a smile)
Uh… no.

Just then Pam enters.

PAM
Good morning, everyone.

JIM
Hey. (to Dwight) So… mum’s
the word, right?

DWIGHT(low)
Of course. Her secret is safe with me.

Dwight stands and strolls over to Pam as she gets
herself situated. He leans on the counter and pretends
to root around for a jellybean.

PAM
Can I… help you with something, Dwight?

DWIGHT
No… I just wanted to tell you that I… admire
your bravery… bambina.

Dwight winks at Pam and heads off towards the kitchen.
A confused Pam stares after him and then at Jim who sits
looking at her with his hand over his mouth.

PAM
What did you do?

INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN

Pam and Jim are speaking and laughing quietly when Michael enters.

MICHAEL(smiling)
There they are! My two favorite lovebirds!
Didn’t you two get enough of each last night?

JIM
Michael…

MICHAEL
Oh, I’m sorry… (looks at the camera)
Are we still keeping the whole gettin’
busy thing on the D.L.? (pause) Hughley.
(laughs) Funny Bro-THA.

PAM
So, Michael…(smiles at Jim evilly)
how’s Jan?

Michael’s shoulders visibly sag and
he saddens instantly.

MICHAEL(shaking head)
STILL job hunting… supposedly. And she
can be such a… last night I got the movie
300 on Netflix. And she refused to watch it!
Refused!(pause)Alright, I admit, it’s not a chick
flick. Probably not your speed either, Pam.
You should avoid it, too.

PAM
Thanks, Michael. You saved me.

JIM
So, uh… You didn’t watch it, huh?

MICHAEL(quietly)
No… it’s not fair. Seriously, how can anyone
not want to see that? Three hundred sweaty
Romans fighting millions of… who are they
fighting, anyway? Africans?

JIM
Persians.

MICHAEL
Wait… they’re fighting cats?!? No way!!

Jim and Pam glance at each other, ready
to jump on this opportunity.

PAM
Yes, they are fighting millions and
millions of trained killer cats.

MICHAEL
But… I thought I saw them fighting men in
the trailer…

JIM
Well, the cats are just the first wave.

PAM
Then comes the monkeys…

JIM
Then the red fire ants…

PAM
Then the… uh… rabid female dingoes.
(looks at Jim)
The bitch is the more dangerous
of the breed.

This almost kills Jim. He turns his back to Michael
and pretends to look into the refrigerator.

PAM
And THEN the men show up.

MICHAEL
HOLY CRAP. I have GOT to see this movie! Wow!

Michael leaves the kitchen. Jim refuses to come out of
the fridge but you see his body convulsing in laughter.
Pam leans on him and covers her face, laughing as well.

Toby is standing in front of reception kind of staring
at Pam’s chair. Just then Pam enters through the main
doors.

        PAM
     Oh! Good morning, Toby! You’re here
     early.(beat) Do you need something?

        TOBY
     Uh, no, my mind was kind of… wandering…
     uh… yeah, I like to get in early every
     now and then. Nice to have an empty
     office to work in on occasion.

        PAM
    (hanging up coat)
     Oh, you just reminded me of something
     that I’ve been meaning to ask you for
     AGES! On Beach Day when Michael made
     you stay here… what did you do all day?

         TOBY
     Hm. What did I do? I… uh… watched a movie
     or two… played a few games. Uh… took a nap.

Pam laughs.

        TOBY(cont’d)
     Yeah. Um… I lowered Michael’s chair again.
     I, uh…

        PAM
     Wait. That’s you! Oh my God.
     (laughs)
     He thinks it’s the cleaning crew!

        TOBY
     Yeah… (laughs) About once a week I
     come in and do that.

        PAM
     It makes him crazy! And he STILL doesn’t
     know how to fix it! (laughs)

       TOBY
     That’s the best part.(laughs)
     He just…

Just then Michael enters and Pam and Toby stifle
themselves.

        MICHAEL
     Wow… it’s the Dunder-Mifflin production of
     Beauty and the Beast! (laughs to camera)
     Beauty and Tobeast!
     (laughs again, then points at camera)
     Don’t sue me, Disney. Seriously, though…
     You really know how to ruin a morning, Toby.

        PAM
     That was really, really rude, Michael.

        MICHAEL(taken aback)
     Wow. Pam… sleeping with the enemy? Well,
     not sleeping with… THAT would never happen!
    (laughs then looks at a humorless Pam and Toby)
     Ok. Fine. I’ll leave you and your DIVORCED
     new boyfriend… Jim will love that.

Michael laughs again and heads to his office.
Pam and Toby look at each other.

        PAM(embarrassed)
     I’m… sorry, Toby.

        TOBY
     That’s ok… just wait for it.

Pam looks at him puzzled but Toby holds his hand up.
There is a moment of silence.

        MICHAEL(offscreen)
     Oh, man! Why do they keep doing
     this to my chair?!?

Pam and Toby cover their mouths and silently laugh.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

          MICHAEL
     I was up late last night… the missus can
     be so demanding…
          (shakes head)
     and I saw one of those commercials with
     the starving, sickly Ethiopian kids.
     Terrible. Just terrible…
            (lower)
     How… do they stand those flies?(beat)
     ANYWAY… I started thinking. If I could
     have a super-power, any super power, it
     would be the power… to HEAL.
       (nods sincerely)

        DWIGHT(offscreen)
     Mine would be invisibility.

The camera zooms back and pans to the left to show
Dwight leaning against the wall behind Michael.

        MICHAEL
     Uh oh! What did I do? I said super-powers…
     in front of a GEEK! Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!
        (laughs)

        DWIGHT
     Actually, mine would be flight!
     No, super strength!

        MICHAEL
     Come on. Only one, dork.

       DWIGHT
     This is very important! I have to
     utilize this very specific power to
     avenge the death of my parents.

        MICHAEL
     Your parents aren’t dead!

        DWIGHT
     No, but every good hero has dead
     parents… usually murdered.

        MICHAEL
     Oh, you mean like the Joker killing
     Batman’s parents?

        DWIGHT
       (annoyed)
     The Joker did not kill Batman’s parents.
     That was an unfortunate plot device that
     was shoe-horned into that movie. Joe Chill
     killed Batman’s parents.

          MICHAEL
     What? Joe Chill? Isn’t that Snoopy’s nick-
     name?
        (stares hard at Dwight)
     You’re telling me that Snoopy killed Batman’s
     parents? That’s ridiculous.

          DWIGHT
     How… would Snoopy kill…? No…
         (shakes head)
     It was Joe Chill. The Joker did NOT kill
     Batman’s parents.

          MICHAEL
     Well, the Sandman killed Spiderman’s parents.

          DWIGHT
        (really aggravated)
     First of all, It wasn’t his parents, it was
     his Uncle Ben! And… AGAIN… another idiotic
     plot contrivance. The Sandman didn’t shoot
     him.

          MICHAEL
     Oh, ok, so who was it this time? Peppermint
     Patty?
        (laughs)
     And I suppose Woodstock killed Superman’s
     parents, huh?

          DWIGHT
     (beyond aggravated)
     An EXPLODING PLANET killed Superman’s parents!

          MICHAEL
     What? An exploding planet SHOT Superman’s
     parents?!? How… How did they even DRAW that?

Dwight throws his head into his hands.
         

          MICHAEL
      Boy, those guys must’ve been doing LSD when
      they created this stuff. Hey…
         (turns to Dwight)
      did they even have LSD back in the fifties?

Dwight just groans and buries his face even deeper.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                                  DWIGHT
             Today is an important day here at Dunder-Mifflin.
                    (raises a box and shows it to the camera)
             New business card day. And not a moment too soon,
             I was almost out.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

We see Jim get a similar box as Dwight’s. He opens a drawer in his desk
and tosses it in. In the drawer you can see another unopened box just like it.

                          DWIGHT(VOICEOVER)
              Because, unlike the incredibly unmotivated Halpert, I COM-
              PLETELY utilize my business cards.  I take them everywhere.
              THAT’S the mark of a good salesman.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                          DWIGHT
               A good salesman has to get out there and reach people.
               It’s like I’m the kindly wizened paper genius that touches
               the ignorant masses and teaches them all the ways of the
               world. Like the way a grown man would touch a small boy.
                                (nods sincerely)
                
EXT. OUTSIDE-VARIOUS LOCALES
We see Dwight handing out a business card to a confused toll booth collector.  Then trying to hand one to a worker on a ladder repairing a lamp. The man makes a half-hearted attempt to reach for it. Dwight jumps with card outstretched once, twice and then attempts to fling the card up to the worker. The card frisbees off and into some bushes.
Then we see Dwight at a gas station. The attendant takes his money and then looks at the card Dwight just handed him. Dwight smirks and nods to the camera and drives off. The attendant watches him go and the tosses the card into a trash bin next to one of the pumps.

                          DWIGHT (VOICEOVER)
                 But you never know where your next contact will be. Who will
                 be that huge client that gives you a massive sale and allows you to
                 laugh in your co-worker’s face. So I give them to everybody. You
                 know, just because it’s a funeral, it doesn’t mean that somebody
                 won’t need paper later on.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                            DWIGHT
                 Because people die… but paper is FOREVER.  
                      (opens box and starts to take a card out)
                That’s good.  I wonder if I can get a supplemental amount
                with that inscribed on them…
                           (looks at card and groans loudly)
                 DAMMIT!! JIM!

Dwight leaps up from the chair and storms out of the conference room. The camera follows. He stops at Jim’s desk.

                           DWIGHT
                         (holding card out)
                     I KNOW you did this!!

Jim calmly hangs up his phone and swivels to face Dwight.

                               JIM
                   Did you… just rush out while they were filming
                   your interview, Dwight? Unbelievably rude.

                              PAM
                           (smiling)
                  What if you rush in on one? Is that rude?

Jim gives Pam a smiling “You got me, smart guy!” look. Dwight shoves the card into Jim’s hand.

                            DWIGHT
                   Don’t try to deny it, Jim! Look at this!

Jim holds the card really close to his face and then back out at arms length. He squints.

                               JIM
                   Whoa. That’s… really small type. Um…
                   Dunder… what?

Dwight snatches the card back from him.

                           DWIGHT
                    It says “Sales Representative,  Dwight K. Shrimp!"

Phyllis and Stanley burst out laughing and then try to stifle. Dwight glares at them and then back at Jim.

                              JIM
                    Wow. You changed your last name to Shrimp?
                    That’s… pretty bold…

                                DWIGHT
                  I’m going to call the printing place. And when they
                  tell me that it was you who changed the order, I will take
                  this all the way to the top! And we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Dwight storms off. Jim gives a bewildered look to everyone and then the camera.
Then he smiles slightly.

JIM TALKING HEAD

                                 JIM
            He won’t prove it was me. I’ve covered my tracks pretty well.
            He won’t even notice when the Shrimp cards box mysteriously
            disappears later on. And for however long we both are here,
            those little cards will keep ending up in his wallet and in the
            hands of some very confused people.
                (takes a beat and then smiles)
            It’s the prank that keeps on giving!

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

It is morning at Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight sits staring at Jim’s empty chair, a forlorn look on his face. Phyllis walks past him.

                 PHYLLIS
            Good morning, Dwight.

Dwight grunts a response and continues to stare at Jim’s chair. He sighs.

                 DWIGHT(voiceover)
            Yesterday… was Jim Halpert’s last day.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
                 DWIGHT
             He told me - in confidence - that only
             Pam and Michael knew he was leaving. He
             said I should be happy with him gone. And
             I was.(beat) For a time. But unlike his
             last exit I find myself… annoyed at his
             absence. After all, a good hero needs his
             foil. His… arch-enemy. And Jim Halpert is
             like (beat) the Joker.
                     (shakes head)
            And the Joker doesn’t one day tell Batman “Oh, 
            I’m leaving for a great job at Staples and
            you’ll stay here and have to put up with Andy
            and Kelly and… some woman who hates you now!”       
                    (beat, then depressed)
           Batman shouldn’t have to work under these conditions.

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

Dwight still sits staring at Jim’s empty chair. Andy rolls over in his chair.

                     ANDY
           Good morning, almost-boss! Did I mention
           that you are the only person to success-
           fully carry off the post 80’s Don Johnson?
           Well… you are.(beat)How do you look in
           salmon? And espadrilles?

Dwight turns slightly to Andy.

                    DWIGHT
           Oh, hello… ah…

                    ANDY
           Andy.

Dwight nods.

                    ANDY
          Wow, Schrute-perman. You are level 10
          bummed. What’s up?

                    DWIGHT
          Nothing… I was just thinking about Jim…
          quitting and everything.

          ANDY
          What? Tuna quit? No…

          DWIGHT
          (sadly)
          He told me yesterday…

               ANDY
         No, he couldn’t have quit. He said “See you
         tomorrow, Andy!” And then he closed the elevator
         doors on me.                

                    DWIGHT
         Well, of course he wouldn’t have told you he was
         leaving! Why would he tell YOU? I’m his foil! I’m
         the… Holmes to his Moriarty!

                    ANDY
          Wait… I probably didn’t hear that right.
          Jim… has a Maserati and he keeps it at your
          home? No way!

Dwight groans and puts his head into his hands. Just then Jim and Pam enter and Jim comes over to his desk. He slings
his bag onto the back of his chair and sits.

                    JIM
           Morning, Andy.(beat) Dwight.

                    ANDY
           See! Here’s Big Sports Car himself.

                    DWIGHT
           I thought… You said you quit!

                    JIM
           I never said that.

                    DWIGHT
           You TOLD me…

                    ANDY
           You should have seen him, Tuna. He was all
           bummed out about a life less Halpert…

                    JIM
              (genuinely shocked)
           He was?

                    DWIGHT
           Shut up! I was not!

                    ANDY
           Yes, he was. And oh, by the way, could I
           possibly borrow the Maz one night?
                  (leans in)
           That car has got to be the absolute North
           Pole of chick magnets.

Jim looks at the camera, a look of utter confusion on his face. He looks then at Dwight, then back to Andy.

                    JIM
             What?

                    DWIGHT
             Ignore him! He’s an idiot and insane.
       
                    ANDY
                   (quietly)
             Well… that… was hurtful… and emotionally
             damaging.

Andy slides back to his desk, head down. Jim and Dwight watch him go. Then Dwight turns to Jim.

                   DWIGHT
                (hugely annoyed)
            You told me you quit! You know you did!

                   JIM
            Delusional, Dwight? Has it come to this?
                (shakes head)

                   DWIGHT
                 (angry)
            Infantile… stupid! Juvenile… sophomoric…!

Dwight runs out of words and glares at his screen. Jim smiles at him and then gets his computer running. We see Dwight still looking at his screen but with the tiniest smile registering on his face.

                   DWIGHT(voiceover)
             NO, I am NOT happy that Jim came back. Why
             would I be?

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                   DWIGHT
             Is Gotham City happy when the Joker returns
             for another wave of terror? Of course not!
                 (smiles)
             It only means that Batman must swing back
             into action!
                  (nods)

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
You know, last night I was thinking about
what happened to Jan at Dunder-Mifflin
headquarters… you know, just how… cutthroat
and… wrong it was… Ah… well, it was sorta…
less me thinking about it and more Jan (beat)
going on and on about it… Anyway, I was
thinking that you need… allies in this busi-
ness.

INT. THE OFFICE

We see Jim standing with Kevin and Oscar near their desks. Kevin says something and then Jim responds, making Oscar and Kevin both laugh. A seated Angela shakes her head, but
even she has to suppress a smile. Over at his office door, Michael watches. Then we see Jim chatting with Stanley and Phyllis. Meredith comes over as well. Again, Jim says something amusing and all three laugh. Then Meredith makes a flirtatious gesture and strolls away. This amuses Stanley and Phyllis even more. They start to obviously tease a mortified Jim. He shakes his head at the two but has to laugh at the situation. We then see Michael watching through the blinds of the kitchen door.


MICHAEL(voiceover)
You need… people who are popular and well-liked
on your side. Battle buddies. Cause they can protect you when
corporate thinks you’re crazy. And who’s the
most popular person here?
(beat, then laughs)
Well, besides me, of course! I can’t be my own
ally… right? No. No, that doesn’t make sense.
(beat) Anyway, I’m talking about Jim, who is…
you know, loved here, revered… a REAL straight
shooter.(beat) That’s what Pam said!
(laughs then stops)
Uh… don’t… tell her I said that. But anyway, I
know Jim and I are buds but… I think I should…
reinforce that connection.

INT. BREAKROOM

Jim is getting a grape soda out of the vending machine when Michael comes in.

MICHAEL
Jimbo! Jimbalaya! Jim-Jimmeree,
Jim-Jimmeree, Jim-Jim-Jiree!

JIM
Wow, that’s… that’s a new one.

MICHAEL
Yeah, thought of it in the shower this
morning. Ah…

Jim shoots an alarmed look at the camera.

MICHAEL(continued)
I was looking at Corollas on line. You know,
just ah… reading about them… love those cars…
and I was… uh… noticing that even the older
models sorta, kinda keep their value…(beat)
not really. Um… how’s yours doing?

JIM
Um… not sure. I uh… sold it about a… year
and a half ago. I’ve been driving a Saab
since I’ve been back in Scranton.

MICHAEL
Oh! Wow, I didn’t even… ah… Wow. Saab.
What… what is that… Dutch?

INT. THE KITCHEN-DAY 2

Jim is carrying a mug of tea towards the door. Michael enters and blocks the way.

MICHAEL
Hey, Jimbo(beat) ah, Jim. Hm, drinking tea, huh?
Healthy choice there, Mr. Halpert.

JIM
This is for Pam.

MICHAEL
Wow… whipped already, huh?
(laughs then stops when he sees
Jim is not amused)
Ah… not that you are… you’re just (beat) nice…
Um… SO, how did those Eagles do last night?

JIM
Today is Thursday, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh… so… they had an off-day, huh?

JIM
They played last Sunday. You DO understand
that they generally only play once a week,
right?

MICHAEL
Oh, YEAH, of course…
(shakes head)
Wow, really? Don’t they play like…
30-something games? That must take
all year!

Jim looks at the camera like “Help me, please.”

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

Michael is in his usual place in his office but in his hands is a copy of Football For Dummies.

MICHAEL
Yeah, uh… it’s going, um… good. We’ve been
really bonding… He will be very valuable if
the current regime makes a move on me. It’ll
be good to know that Jim Halpert has my
backside covered.
(smiles)
That’s what Pam…
(stops himself, shakes his head and then waves
the camera off)

Pam laughs as Jim switches to a seat next to the one he was sitting in.

JIM
(doing a Dwight impersonation)
And that is why you are an inferior
salesman, Stanley. That and your
inexplicable aversion to beets.

Pam laughs again as Jim reacts to something out of frame.

MICHAEL(offscreen)
Wow, that was pretty good there, Jimbo.

The camera swings to show Michael standing near the door, arms folded.

JIM
Oh, hey… Michael.

PAM
Hey.

MICHAEL
Could’ve, uh… been a little tighter but…
(looks at camera)
That’s just my professional opinion.

JIM
O… k.

MICHAEL
Did Stanley really say that? He can be
such a tool, sometimes…

Jim’s eyes bug out and he points with his chin towards the door. Michael spins around to look out, obviously frightened.

MICHAEL
I mean, Stanley is really cool!

There is no one at the door or near it. Michael looks out and around and then back to Jim, annoyed. Pam and Jim put their heads down.

PAM
(smiling)
Still, uh… having that problem
with your neck, huh?

Jim points out his chin again and then tilts his head back and forth. He puts his hand on his neck.

JIM
(trying not to laugh)
Uh… Yeah... still really stiff…

MICHAEL
Uh huh. What are you guys doing?

PAM
Oh, um… Jim was uh… acting out a debate.

Pam looks at Jim then back to Michael, who looks confused.

PAM(continued)
Ah… it was in the newsletter. Dunder-
Mifflin has an outside company that comes
in and does corporate role-playing.

MICHAEL
Oooooh. Kinky!
(laughs to camera)
So Pam, do you dress up like a… naughty
nurse or…

JIM
CORPORATE, Michael. This company comes in
and helps workers solve problems by acting
out different scenarios.

PAM
We were just having a little fun…

MICHAEL
That DOES sound like fun! I wanna play!

JIM
Um, well… I don’t…

PAM
Ok! Michael, you and Jim role-play a
debate on the relative value of an
office manager.

MICHAEL
Yes! Ok… gonna get fast and furious,
Jimbo. Try to keep up!

Michael excitedly flings himself into the seat next to Jim. Jim frowns and shakes his head at Pam who grins widely and then sticks her tongue out at him.

MICHAEL
Alright! Let’s role-play this bitch
out. Ok, um… you be you and I’ll be… me.

JIM
That’s… not really role-playing. If we…
play ourselves.

MICHAEL
Ok… um… we can play each other?
(affects Jim voice, looks at camera)
Pam Beesly is… totally awesome.
(makes Jim face)

JIM
No. I don’t… No. You can make it any two
people, it doesn’t HAVE to be us.

MICHAEL
(still impersonating Jim)
Wow. That’s… REALLY not any fun.

JIM
(sharply)
Michael.

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Oh, ok! Fine. You be… Ok, you’re pretty
tall so you be Abraham Lincoln. And I’ll
be… Mighty Mouse. Go.

JIM
Wait.
(looks at Pam, then back to Michael)
Did you just say… Mighty Mouse?

MICHAEL
Last thing I watched this morning.
C’mon, c’mon, let’s go, Abe.

JIM
Ok, um… Wow.
(looks around, then strikes an
“Abe Lincoln” sounding voice)
How… am I alive? And… why I am talking
to a muscular mouse in a cape?

Pam laughs and the tries to suppress it.

MICHAEL
(standing)
Ok. You know what? Forget it. You
two play your cute games… I’ll…

Michael leaves as Jim watches him go with a “What did I do?” look on his face. He turns to Pam and and looks at her as if he is seeing her for the first time.

JIM
(still doing Abe Lincoln voice)
Well… Hello, young lady! Would
you like to see my Bells Palsy?

PAM
(smiling)
Oh, thank goodness. I thought you
were going to say Lincoln Log.

Jim looks at Pam and then the camera in absolute shock as Pam bursts out laughing.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Last night I was skimming channels and
I saw this show on one of the sports
channels… ah… about this guy on the…
uh… Bears… Lions… one of those teams.
It might’ve been the Bulls. Some animal,
I’m not sure which. Anyway, this guy…
um… can’t remember his name… um, he was
said to be the heart of his team. And I
said to myself “Yes. Yes! I AM the heart of
this office. The heart and… the guts…
The innards, if you will. The deep, uh,
intestines and… you know what? Let’s just
say the heart. It’s less disgusting.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
He said WHAT?
(shakes head)
No. No way is Michael the heart of this office.
Pam Beesly is DEFINITELY the heart of… well…
if this office even HAS a heart… it would
definitely be Pam. She is thoughtful and… and
caring and…(beat) And yes, I am biased.
(laughs)
But she’s still the heart. Hm. So maybe I would
be… well, this is… kinda egotistical… the
brains… maybe?
(shakes head)
And… Dwight… Dwight would be the… uh…
the blackened, smoke-filled lungs.
(nods)
And Michael? I don’t know. I’d have to
get back to you on that.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION DESK

Jim is leaning over the reception counter, talking quietly with Pam. Michael comes out of his office and strolls over to them. Just then Jim says something low and Pam giggles.

MICHAEL
Whoa, hey, let’s save that pillow talk
for home, ok?
(smiles to camera)

Jim and Pam both deflate and look at Michael.

JIM
Hey… Michael.

MICHAEL
Boy, you two… The sex must be… wow!
(laughs, then looks at Pam)
Way better than Roy, huh?

Pam just stares stunned at Michael. Jim gives the camera a “I CANNOT believe him” look.

PAM
That’s not… something we should be
discussing, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh… I’m sorry. Still some room
for improvement?
(looks at Jim)
Back to school, Yo-Jim-be!
Pleasin’ Beesly 101!

JIM
Are you… TRYING to make people sue this
company back to the stone age? Is that
what you want?

MICHAEL
(back on his heels)
Oh. I’m sorry! Just kidding! I didn’t, uh…
know it was… such a problem.
(whispers to Jim)
They have pills for that, Jim.
I’ll forward you the e-mails…

Michael shakes his head and goes back to his office. Pam and Jim stare at each other and Pam puts her head in her hands.

JIM
(looks at camera)
Which part is Michael?
DEFINITELY the ass.

PAM
What?

JIM
No, I was…
(laughs)
I’ll explain later…

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION

It is first thing in the morning. Jim walks in through the main door and over to reception.

PAM
There you are.

JIM
Hey.

PAM
(lower)
You know… you really need to keep more
clothes at my place.

JIM
(quietly as well)
So you can tear those off of me, too?
I need SOME undamaged garments.

Both laugh and then notice how close the camera is.

JIM
(shaking head)
So nosy.

Pam laughs and Jim heads over to his desk. The camera follows.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Jim puts his bag down and takes off his coat all the while looking at a package on his desk.

JIM
what’s this?

PAM
Oh, that was sitting in front of the door
this morning.

Jim looks over at Pam who shrugs with a “Not me” look. He takes a look at the label.

JIM
To Jim Halpert, but no return address.

DWIGHT
Maybe you should open that in the parking
lot, then. And not near my car.

JIM
Nope, gonna open it right on your desk,
Dwight.
 
He moves the box over to Dwight’s area and tears at the packaging.

DWIGHT
Hey, HEY!
 (jumps up)
See, the Unabomber relied on just this
sort of ignorance!
 (Takes his waste basket and dumps
what little contents there are inside
on the floor.)
Fill this with water and submerge the
package for 15 minutes. Then, use a plas-
tic knife and fork to peel away the card-
board and ascertain the boxes exact contents,
MICHAEL! Jim is going to blow us all up!!

MICHAEL(offscreen)
Can’t hear you from underneath my desk!

By now Jim has the box open. He reaches in with a puzzled expression and pulls out a basketball.

JIM
Ok…

He pulls out a note inside.

JIM
Wait. This is from David Wallace.

PAM
Ooooh. Nice.

That gets everyone’s attention. Michael comes out to look.

JIM
(reading)
Hello, Jim. Surprise! Hope you like the new
ball. I rather enjoyed partaking in the game
of one-on-one with you in my backyard when
you came up last February. Remember?

Jim shoots a look at Pam, who frowns back.

JIM(continued, reading)
I was hoping you would drive up this Saturday
and join me and my influential friends, Dr.
Simon Van Gelder and the famous scientist,
Gaius Baltar, as they are basketball fans.

As Jim reads, Dwight’s lips are moving along with him.

JIM(continued, reading)
Perhaps we can shoot the hoops and you can
elevate your social station. Fun! See you at
ten a.m. on the nose! Signed, David Wallace.

Again Jim looks at Pam who shakes her head and covers her face. Dwight looks at the note and then Jim.

DWIGHT
(monotone)
Wow. You are really lucky, Jim.
Is that… all there is?

JIM
(staring at Dwight)
No.
(reads)
P.S. Please do not call to thank me or
to confirm, just arrive promptly and in
the appropriate sports clothing. Thanks!
(shakes his head)
Wow. That’s… that’s something else.

MICHAEL
(annoyed)
Jeez, I play basketball too, you know.

As Michael dejectedly heads back to his office we see Dwight get a small sly smile on his face.

DWIGHT(VOICEOVER)
Normally, I abhor pranks.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
They are done by the Jim Halperts of
the world: Childish. Bored. Ungrateful
of higher management positions. But I
have made an exception today. Today, I
have decided to exact my revenge after
years of company condoned abuse! Today,
the victim shall become… the(beat) non-
victim. (beat) No, no, the victim shall
become the victor! (beat) Can you edit
out the non-victim line, the last part
was much better.
 (Nods)

JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

Pam is shaking her head at the camera while Jim looks at the note.

PAM
Oh my God, this is SO sad! He’s trying
to prank YOU now! Oh, Jim, this Angela
thing is killing him.

JIM
Yeah. I mean, his fingerprints are all OVER
this gag. Doctor Simon Van Gelder and Gaius
Baltar? Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica.

Pam stares at the camera and then at Jim.

PAM
Wow, do you hear… that ticking?

JIM
(listening)
No. Ticking?

PAM
(smiling)
Yeah, I think my dork-meter just got
set off.

JIM
Aw, come on. Those are some of the few
names I remember.

PAM
Yeah, ok. So what are you gonna do?

JIM
Do? I’m gonna ignore it.

PAM
No, you can’t do that! You have to play
along… let him believe he got you.(beat)
I suggest a new strategy, Jim. Let the
Wookie win.

Jim gives the camera a Jim-face and then looks at Pam.

JIM
Do you hear… a ticking sound?

PAM
(smiling)
KNEW I’d regret saying that…

EXT. PARKING LOT

Pam and Jim drive up in her car. Jim gets out and comes around to the driver’s side. Pam lowers her window.

JIM
Have a productive day off, Pam. I wish
you could just relax.

PAM
Art IS relaxing… well… this project
isn’t so relaxing but it’s fun.

JIM
Ok. Well…
(kisses Pam)
I know you’ll do a great job.

PAM
Thanks! Pick you up later!

Pam drives off and Jim waves. Michael walks up to him, having just gotten out of his car.

MICHAEL
Morning! JimJam! Getting
dropped off in the… Pam-Mobile.
(frowns)

JIM
Really?

MICHAEL
No… not… um…

JIM
Pamcruiser.

MICHAEL
Yes!
(frowns again, then under breath)
Dammit.

Jim smiles at camera as Michael thinks hard. The two start to walk towards the main doors of the office park.

MICHAEL
Pambulance!

JIM
Am I… injured? ‘Cause, I don’t feel…

MICHAEL
Pssshhhh… just…
(shakes head)

Jim and Michael reach the doors. Jim opens and they step into the lobby.

INT. BUILDING LOBBY(continuous)

MICHAEL
Hey… So, um… Jim…

JIM
No.

MICHAEL
But…

JIM
Why do I have to keep telling you
this? I’m not telling you about
our sex life.

MICHAEL
Aw, come on!

Jim rings for the elevator.

JIM
(shaking head)
Don’t believe this…

MICHAEL
That’s not fair! I told you about
me and Jan!

JIM
Until I ran away screaming.

MICHAEL
Yeah, that was weird.

The elevator comes and they get on. The camera follows.

INT. ELEVATOR(continuous)


JIM
I feel another scream. Building…
(waves hand in front of chest)
In this area…

MICHAEL
(hands raised)
Ok. Ok. Listen. If you tell me…

JIM
Not gonna.

MICHAEL
I promise. PROMISE. To never ask
you about, uh… anything. Ever again.
(looks at camera solemnly)

JIM
Don’t know how you can promise that.

MICHAEL
I do. NEVER AGAIN.

Jim appears to think about this. Michael stares at him, hoping.

JIM
Ok. You know what? You sold me.
That was quite a guarantee you
laid out… so… let’s talk sex.

MICHAEL
YES.
(to camera)
Got ‘em.
SUCKER.

JIM
Kinda heard that.

MICHAEL
Um… heard what?

Jim shakes his head and rubs his face. The elevator gets to their floor. They get off but Michael pulls Jim away from the D-M offices, further down the hall. He looks at Jim like a big puppy.

INT. HALLWAY(continuous)

JIM
Ok. Can’t believe I’m doing this…
but… here goes.

MICHAEL
Alright!! Details! Now…
Pam’s breasts… handful, or…?

JIM
You want me to tell you or not?

MICHAEL
Sorry.

JIM
Ok. Well… the first time… wow… it
was… Well, it started awkward ‘cause
we had to go back to my place for
the suits. But after that…

MICHAEL
Wait. Suits?

JIM
Yeah. The… Bio-Environmental
Copulation Suits. The safest
in safe sex. Never heard of
‘em?

MICHAEL
Oh… yeah, I… no.

JIM
Sex is dangerous, Michael.
A minefield of diseases.
One wrong step… boom.

MICHAEL
(covering his crotch)
Ow.

JIM
You put these suits on… You’re good.
Covered from head to toe. A heated gel
flows through the suits while your
erogenous zones are slightly jolted
with electricity. You listen to music
through headphones.(beat) So hot.

MICHAEL
But… but, where… where’s the sex?
When do you touch each other?

JIM
We held hands. It was beautiful.

MICHAEL
You GOTTA be friggin’…(beat)did you…
do this with Karen and Katy?

JIM
No… What I did with Karen and Katy
was(beat)animalistic… dirty…
(shakes head)
disgusting.

MICHAEL
Oh… um… can you tell me about that,
then?

JIM
Not part of the deal.

MICHAEL
I… this is…(Sighs)Alright...thanks for nothing,
freak show...

Michael walks away and Jim unveils a classic Jim face for the camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Bio-Environmental
Copulation Suits.
(smiles)
Pam will be SO proud…

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

It is mid-morning in the office. Pam is doing something on the computer. The rest of the office is quiet. We see that Jim is not at his desk. Then the main doors open and Katy enters. Pam looks up and is surprised.

PAM
Katy?

KATY
Hi, Pam! How are you?

Pam stands up and hugs Katy.

PAM
Wow.. I.. It's been forever! I'm good! How are you?

KATY
I'm good, I'm good... You look great.

Katy glances at Pam but is primarily looking at Jim's chair and then around the office.

PAM
Oh, thank you! So do you. What, um....
what's going on?

KATY
(embarrassed)
Well, I... I was just nearby and... I'd thought
I'd... (beat) where, um... where's Jim?

PAM
Oh.
(glances at camera, grimacing)
He's, uh... on a sales call. Should be
back soon.

KATY
Oh, ok... 'cause, I was just thinking about
him and...(beat) SO.
(gets excited)
How's married life?

PAM
Oh. Um... that... um... that
didn't work out.

KATY
(eyes wide)
Oh my God. You got a
divorce?

PAM
(laughing)
No, no... um.. we never got
married.

KATY
You didn't marry... um....

PAM
Roy.

KATY
Right! Roy. Wow. What... happened?
(touches Pam's shoulder)
I'm sorry, is it... too hard to talk about?

PAM
No, it's ok. I... found someone else.

KATY
Really! Wow. He must be a great guy.

PAM
(a little embarrassed)
He is. (beat) It's, um...  Jim.

Katy looks at Pam, not really comprehending. Then realization dawns on her face.

KATY
Oh. Oh! I didn't... Wow. I...
(looks really embarrassed)
Oh God. I shouldn't have come here...

PAM
No, no.. it's alright.

KATY
No, I...

Just then the main doors open and Jim walks in. He stop dead when he sees Katy and looks back and forth from Katy to Pam.

JIM
Uh... hey.

PAM
(to Jim, forced)
Look who's here!

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Wow. Um... That was a little... uncomfortable.
I don't think I've ever been in the same room with
two girls that I've, um...(beat) been involved with.
(shakes head)
Well... that SHOULD be the height of awkward for
today.
(laughs)

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is kind of nervously talking to Katy. All three look a bit nervous, actually.

JIM
So, Kety... ah... what brings you...

Pam shakes her head almost imperceptibly at Jim, who notices.

JIM(continued)
ah... here?

KATY
Oh, I was... uh, I wanted to, um...

There is a pause as everyone sort of cringes. Then the main doors open again and Karen walks in. JIm almost recoils from the sight of her and Pam's eye widen. Karen walks over to the three.

KAREN
(formally)
Hello, Jim.
(beat, then a sort of hard look at Pam)
Pam.

PAM
Karen.

There is unbelievable tension as the three look at each other. Then Karen looks at Katy, a curious look on her face. Then she extends a hand towards her.

KAREN
Hello. And you are...?

JIM TALKING HEAD

Jim is looking at the camera with a mixture of shock and horror.

JIM
Hello. And welcome to yet another episode of
"Jim Halpert -Tempter of Fate'.

Gives a classic Jim Face to the camera.

INT. THE KITCHEN

Jim is sitting at one of the tables in the otherwise empty kitchen eating his sandwich. Dwight bursts in carrying a folder. He looks almost frantic.

DWIGHT
JIM. You and I must speak.

JIM
(not looking up)
That’s not true. We don't HAVE
to speak.

DWIGHT
Listen to me. I have just come back
from my...(beat)  assignment.

JIM
Assignment?

DWIGHT
(annoyed)
Jim. The assignment.(beat)
FOLLOWING PAM.
Remember?

JIM
(glancing at camera)
Oh, yeah. That assignment.
Sorry.

DWIGHT
When you first told me of your
suspicions I thought you were being...
idiotic. Stupid. Your... regular self.

Jim smirks at the camera.

DWIGHT(continued)
But now that I have trailed Pam...
had her under surveillance... I must
admit that you may have been right.

JIM
Oh, no.. she isn't...

DWIGHT
Yes, Jim. Pam Beesly is a corporate spy.

As Dwight digs through his folder Jim flashes a Jim Face to the camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
About... a month ago Pam started having
Wednesday lunches with an art class buddy
of hers. Allison. Nice girl. They go and talk
and show each other projects. So naturally...
I told Dwight that I suspected Pam of meeting
the enemy and selling Dunder Miflin secrets.
(smiles) Hilarity ensues.

INT. KITCHEN

Dwight is now reading from a notepad.

DWIGHT
12:05-Pamela Beesly, henceforth known as
the suspect, leaves the Dunder-Mifflin parking
lot in her car.  I follow.
12:14- The suspect parks in the lot at Chicks Diner
and enters the establishment. She takes a table as
I wait in my vehicle.
12:17-A light blue 2007 Nissan Versa parks and a
young woman carrying a small portfolio leaves it
and joins the suspect at the table. The car is registered
to an Allison Shamsky of 1807 Mulberry Street,
apartment 3b.

JIM
(impressed)
Wow. Nice detective work, Dwight.

DWIGHT
You needed a profesional, Jim. That is me.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I know an officer on the Scranton Police
force. Good cop. Honest. Dedicated.
So when I call him up and ask him to run
a plate number on his dash computer he
knows that it's serious. He understands
that even if he isn't there, it's his duty to help
thwart all crime.(beat) Definitely worth the
fifty bucks.
(nods seriously)

INT. THE KITCHEN

Dwight is now pulling pictures from the folder. He places them on the table. There are shots of Pam and Allison showing each other pieces of art and handing things to one another.

JIM
Pictures? How...?

DWIGHT
(annoyed)
Jim. Memory card. Walgreens. Stay with me.
Now, they did a good job of covering it
up. To the untrained eye it would just look
like two artists showing each other work.

JIM
Ah.

DWIGHT
But notice this shot.

Dwight takes another photo out of the folder. It is of Pam handing a sheet of paper to Allison. Pam is looking almost directly at the camera with a puzzled look on her face.

DWIGHT
That's when the transfer took place.
(beat) Oh, Pamela. I thought you were
worthy.
(shakes head)

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Allison missed class on Monday and Pam
printed out the assignment for her.
(chuckles)
You CANNOT plan these kinds of things.

INT. THE KITCHEN
Jim is holding the shot of Pam with the sheet of paper.

JIM
Um... are you sure she didn't see you?

DWIGHT
(sighs)
Unlike you, I have been trained
to surreptitiously follow a suspect.
To be like smoke on the wind.
      (stares hard at Jim)
I can slip behind you and you
wouldn't even feel me there.

Jim frowns at Dwight and shakes his head. Dwight looks at the camera.

DWIGHT
That.. didn't...
(shakes head)
Uh.. suffice to say that Pam was in no
way aware of my presence.

JIM
Alright, Batman. So... what do
we do now?

DWIGHT
It's too early to confront her. We need
more evidence of her malfeasance. By
tomorrow the directional microphone I
ordered will arrive. I'll record her
conversation next week.
 (annoyed)
I would already have done that if
Mose hadn't broken the mic I had.
He was playing with it the night you
and Pam stayed over.

Jim looks at the camera in alarm.

DWIGHT
I don't what he was doing with it...
(puts pictures back in folder)
Anyway. Um... you know, Jim... I will
have to... report her to Michael when I
have all the evidence.

JIM
I... understand.

DWIGHT
I know you two are...
(shudders)
...lovers, but...

JIM
Gotcha.

DWIGHT
(looking at watch)
Alright... I, uh, still have eleven minutes...

JIM
Enough time to get to Comic and
Hobby Connection. New books out
today.

Dwight stares at Jim. Jim shrugs.

JIM
(smiling)
I'm a bit of a detective, too.

Dwight stares at Jim for a second more and then leaves. Jim smiles at the camera and resumes eating.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Pam enters the office as Dwight is passing his desk. They cross at the reception desk.

DWIGHT
Pamela.

PAM
Dwight.

They eye each other suspiciously as they continue in opposite directions.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
So strange. I.. I have to talk to Jim about this.
Because either I've gone completely crazy (beat)
or Dwight was following me during my
lunch hour.
(shakes head in confusion)

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael is seated at his desk dialing a number from a sheet of paper.

MICHAEL(to camera)
VERY important phone call here.

Michael taps impatiently as the phone rings through the speaker. After two rings it’s answered.

VOICE ON SPEAKER PHONE:
(happy)
Hi! I was JUST thinking
of you! Which is not really
all that surprising…

MICHAEL
Pam! Pamster! Live from New
York, it’s Pamela Beesly! Hey,
been to the Pam Am building yet?
(laughs to camera)
So what were you thinking about
with me? Be careful now, I’m a…
kinda… involved (beat) um… daddy to
be. Sorta.

PAM
Michael? What… How… did you get
my cell number?

MICHAEL
Took it off Jim’s phone when he
went to the bathroom. He should be
more careful. Never know who could
get your number and call you.

PAM
Uh huh. Um, Michael, I have a class
in, um… five minutes so we… I can’t
really talk…

MICHAEL
(Looking at watch)
You have a class that starts at 11:18?
That can’t be right. It’s probably 11:30,
right?

PAM
Um… uh… well, yeah, I guess 11:30…

MICHAEL
So that’s, like, 17 minutes from now.
Plenty of time to talk.

PAM
(sighing)
Yeah. So, um… is there something you
wanted to talk about, Michael?

MICHAEL
Well, yeah… I don’t know if Jimbo has
kept you up to speed with all my
bidness but… Jan is preggers. Yup,
pregnant. But it’s not mine.(beat) I
can't… well, I'm not sure. I think…
I can. Do you happen to remember if
I'm shooting blanks or not?

PAM
Michael...

MICHAEL
Well, anywho, she has some… other guys
sperm in her.(beat) That she got in a
bank. You know, a sperm bank. She didn’t
have… sex with this guy (beat) as I
understand it…

PAM
Michael… I was there for that.

MICHAEL
Oh… you were? Oh. Wow, um… OH, but did you
know that Jan and I were doing the Lamaze
thing together? Which I am still
confused about. Is this Lamaze guy the same
guy who started that racing deal in France?
Cause I don’t see the connection.

PAM
(after a long pause)
Michael. I… think you mean LeMans. That’s…

MICHAEL
Crazy, right? How does one guy have two
completely different interests? I don’t
get it.

PAM
No. It’s not… (beat) Never mind. Yeah, I was
there for that too. That was right before I
left.

MICHAEL
Wow, really? Jeez, you know everything
then.

PAM
Um… yeah.

MICHAEL
All caught up.

PAM
Uh huh.

There is a long pause as Michael drums a bit on his desk and looks around his office. Pam clears her throat.

PAM
Um… I’M doing pretty good.

MICHAEL
Oh, really. That's good.

PAM
Yeah, the classes that I'm taking are
really great. I'm learning so...

MICHAEL
Wow, that's… that's really great, Pam,
but I gotta go… Lot going on here.

PAM
(dryly)
Yeah. I know how busy you are, Michael.

MICHAEL
Yep. Busy, busy, busy.
(types on keyboard for no reason)
So… take care, Pam Apple. Thanks
for calling.

PAM
I didn't… OH, Michael, could you
tell Jim to…

Michael disconnects the call and leans back in his chair.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Cool catching up with Pam. But boy,
is she dullsville. Pam is the only
person I know that can live in New
York and make it seem like the most
boring place on earth.

Michael shakes head and then stares at the phone. Then he smiles widely.

MICHAEL
Oh, this will be good!

Laughing, Michael dials a number from the same sheet of paper from before and waits excitedly as it rings. After two rings it’s picked up.

VOICE(confused)
Hello?

MICHAEL(in high pitched voice)
Jim? It’s Pam! I’m having so much
fun here in New York! You suck!

There’s a pause as Michael covers his mouth trying mightily not to laugh.

JIM(through speaker phone)
Michael. Do I… even WANT to
know how you got my number?

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

We see Tiffany, Pam's replacement, concentrating hard on whatever is on her monitor. Michael comes over from his office and goes behind the reception desk. He looks at her screen and throws his hands up in annoyance.

MICHAEL
Are you STILL working on that?

TIFFANY
(taken aback)
I'm sorry, Michael, but this is very
time-consuming!

MICHAEL
Categorizing the jokes in my e-mail by type,
subject, length and number of ha-ha's is
time consuming?

TIFFANY
Well... yeah. I mean a lot of these don't
even have ha-ha's. Some have "Eh's" and at
least a dozen have NTF in the subject line.
I, um... I don't know what...

MICHAEL
(annoyed)
NTF. Not that funny. Jeez, everyone knows
that Eh's and NTFs are half a ha-ha.

JIM
So... just a Ha.

MICHAEL
(pointing at Jim)
Yes. Exactly. Come on, wrap this up already.
Pam would've had this done twenty minutes ago.

Michael stalks back to his office. Tiffany looks at Jim who sort of looks away and then back to his computer. Tiffany looks at the camera and shakes her head.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
I’M sorry, no one told me when I took this
stupid job that I was replacing the most
incredible woman on earth. I mean, why is
she even coming back here, anyway? Isn’t a
receptionist job a little lowly for the
Queen of America?
(shakes head, sighs)
You know, just dealing with these crazy people
is enough… You have the drunk, the ice queen,
the creepy perv (beat) the… fat (beat) creepy
perv, crossword guy… um, Mrs. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration,
(says Vance Refrigeration with mock importance)
um… the gay guy… who’s… alright actually… and…
who else? OH, and the chick that WILL NOT SHUT UP.
Just handling them should be enough of a task.
But NOOOO, I have three special cases that
remind me EVERY DAY that I am not Pam Beesly.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael enters the office and comes over to reception. Tiffany waves at Michael who completely ignores her. He leans over the counter and retrieves whatever messages he has. Tiffany continues to wave as Michael heads to his office. An annoyed Tiffany looks at the camera, still waving.

TIFFANY(voiceover)
First off, I have my boss, Michael Scott. How
the man actually finds his way to work every
morning is beyond me. And he has THE NERVE to
be mad at ME that I am replacing Miss Perfect
Pam. He barely acknowledges me. And he REFUSES
to use my name. Usually he just refers to me as "Whatserface"(beat) or just sorta points at me.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
OH, but when he’s feeling REALLY creative he
breaks out his “funny names”.
(does air quotes)
Winners like “Sham-ela” or “PB Zirconia” or - my
personal favorite - “I can’t believe it’s not
Beesly”.
(shakes head)
Jerk.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Dwight is standing behind Tiffany with his arms crossed. She looks at the camera and rolls her eyes. Dwight points at something on her screen and shakes his head vehemently. Tiffany grimaces and nervously works on whatever the problem is. Dwight shakes his head again and points at the screen
angrily. He then throws his hands up and leaves as a shell-
shocked Tiffany gives the camera a "Help me" look.

TIFFANY(voiceover)
And then there’s Dwight K. Schrute. Oh. My.
God. SO, SO annoying. Yesterday he says to me
“Your efficiency level is significantly
lower than that of Pam Beeslys’”. Oh! Good morning to you, too!

And today he goes “Pam gets my
calls to me an eighth of a second faster.
That comes out to 3 more potential commissions
a day.” (beat) What kind of Jedi math is that?
Believe me, this guy put the “ass” in
Assistant (beat) TO THE regional manager.
He is a sneaky, slimy, brown-nosing skeev.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
And on top of ALL of that, he lives on a farm
with his inbred cousin and grows beets! I’m
sorry, but am I the ONLY one that thinks this
guy came straight out of “The Hills Have Eyes”?
(shakes head and then points at camera)
And DON’T think I don’t know about you and that
walking wind chill from accounting, Schrute!
And finally, we come to Jim (love-sick puppy dog)
Halpert. OH BOY, is this guy whipped or WHAT?
He’s always looking all forlorn and sad that his
true love is gone.
(says ‘True Love” all breathy and sarcastic)
Um, Pam is in New York, which is like, what, two
hours away? It’s not like she’s marooned on Jupiter,
you know?

INT.THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Tiffany is watching Dwight and Michael having a very animated conversation. Michael says something excitedly that causes Dwight to do a fist pump. Dwight tries to high five Michael who ignores him. Dwight eventually high fives himself. Jim
pulls a classic Jim Face for the camera and then spins slowly to look at Tiffany. Tiffany smiles broadly for Jim but we see Jim sort of embarrassingly catch himself. He looks at the camera almost sadly and then looks away. Tiffany deflates, saddened.

TIFFANY (voiceover)
I mean, at least 5 times a day he’ll get up
and make it about halfway to my desk before
he remembers that Pam isn’t here. Then he’ll stand
there and make that STUPID face and go to the break-
room. He won’t even talk to me!

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
I’m nice, too, you know. I’m SORRY I’m not Pam
-Anderson-Mother Teresa-J.K. Rowling-Kathy
Griffin-Ayn Rand-Wonder Woman-Beesly, OK?
(sighs, looks down and then shakes her head slowly)
I’m… sorry, I’m… I shouldn’t have lashed out like
that. It’s just that… I’m always getting measured
up against Pam and I can’t win that. I just can’t.
It’s… it’s just frustrating.
(breathes deeply)
And, Jim… Jim is a really, really nice guy. I… I know
that. Pam must be really special for him to love her
that much. (beat) Now I feel like… like I should
apologize to her, you know?

Tiffany looks sheepishly into the camera.

TIFFANY
I’m… I’m really sorry, Pam. I shouldn’t have
said those things. And... I shouldn’t have called
you… Kathy Griffin.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim gets up and eases over to the reception counter. Tiffany is looking at her monitor and doesn’t see him.

JIM
Hey.

TIFFANY
(startled)
Oh! Hey.

JIM
Um… I was… working up another prank
on Dwight.

TIFFANY
Oh! Yeah, the ones you pull are…
pretty good.
(nods)

JIM
Pretty good. I was thinking more
like… “incredibly awesome”… but
pretty good will do.

Jim and Tiffany both laugh.

JIM
So, I was thinking… this prank may
require some smart college girl input.
You think I can find one around here
who might want to help?

TIFFANY
(beaming)
I think you might, yes.

JIM
(leaning further over counter)
Good. Ok… here’s the outline…

Just then Jim’s cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers, smiling.

JIM
Hey! What’s up?

Tiffany glances at the camera as Jim leans against the counter.

JIM
Nothin’ much. Plotting some Dwight-centric
mischief with Tiffany. (beat) Yeah. Well,
it’s time she got in on the fun. Gotta make
her feel welcome.
(looks at Tiffany, who smiles)
Really? Ok, let me hear your idea. (beat)
Yeah. (beat) Yeah.

A huge grin crosses Jim’s face. Tiffany’s smile starts to fade.

JIM(continued)
Oh, that’s… that’s genius, Beesly.
Oh my God. That blows mine right
out of the water. And then we can…
yeah! (laughs) Definitely! Oh, oh,
hold on.
(turns to Tiffany)
Um… that prank idea… let’s put that
on hold for awhile, ok?

TIFFANY
Um… ok…

JIM
Great.
(speaks into phone while walking away)
So, hit me with more of your stunning
brilliance, Pam! (beat, then laughs)

As Jim’s voices fades Tiffany looks at the camera, a combination of anger and dejection showing on her face.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

Tiffany is staring at the camera with the same tight-lipped look.

TIFFANY
I. HATE. Pam. Beesly.

INT. THE BREAKROOM

We see Andy and Angela at one table. Phyllis sits at another, apparently having just finished her lunch. She is opening a bottle of water. Angela looks at her and the camera. She looks a little uneasy. Andy is excitedly thumbing through a stack of wedding magazines and catalogues.

ANDY
(finding a particular page)
So, I think you would look absolutely
Princess Di in this wedding dress, my
dear. When she... got married, not...
now. What do you think?

ANGELA
(annoyed)
It's certainly not as whorish as the
last three.

ANDY
(looking at camera)
A rave review from my lovely fiance.
(laughs)
Now, let me show you some tux ideas
I had...

As Andy turns pages Angela looks at the camera and then back at Phyllis. Phyllis gives her a long even look and Angela looks away.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDY
Yep, I am doing all of the wedding
planning Solo Bernardo.
(laughs)
I'm leaving the blushing bride to be
free to... um (beat) NOT do the...
wedding planning.
(looks sort of glumly at camera)

INT. THE BREAKROOM
Dwight walks in and gives a sneer towards Andy, who returns the look. Angela becomes visibly nervous. Phyllis looks at the camera and hunkers down, like she's watching a great show. Dwight goes over to the soda vending machine and slips change in for a drink. As he retrieves it, Andy watches him distastefully.

ANDY
Well... if it isn't the LESS than
honorable Dwight Schrute. Come to steal
something else of mine, maybe?

Phyllis clears her throat slightly. Angela stares at her and then back to Andy and Dwight.

DWIGHT
Still going on about that car? What I did
was business, pure and simple. Get over it.

ANDY
(rising)
Just like that, huh? Just let you take
something of mine and profit from it.

DWIGHT
Andy... anything that I...
(beat, then with air quotes)
"took" from you... was offered to me
freely... and passionately.

ANDY
(confused)
What?

ANGELA
(rising)
Dwight. (beat) ...uh, and Andy. It's... unseemly
to do this at work.

Phyllis clears her throat again and this time both Angela and Dwight stare at her. Phyllis peeks at the camera and looks away, taking a swig of her water.

ANGELA
Andy... Just let it go. It's over.

DWIGHT
Listen to Angela, Andy. Listen to what
she's... trying to to tell you.

ANGELA
(staring hard at Dwight)
Dwight.

ANDY
Fine. I'll be the bigger man here.

Phyllis does a small snort and Angela, Dwight and Andy all look at her. Phyllis looks wide-eyed at the three.

PHYLLIS
Sorry.

ANDY
But... listen to me. Maybe you can
bamboozle me once, Schrute. But a
Cornell grad...

Angela rolls her eyes.

ANDY(continued)
... can't be had again.
(slightly threatening)
Because if it happens again(beat)
it would be...

DWIGHT
Twice?

ANDY
Well(beat)yes... mathematically, that is...
correct. But that's not what I meant.

DWIGHT
Are you... threatening me, Andy? Are
you going to get angry? Anger manage-
ment is very... important in the workplace.
(smiles humorlessly at Andy)

Andy takes a long look at Dwight and then shakes his head. Angela tries to steer Andy back to his seat.

DWIGHT
Now, if you'll excuse me... I have to go
plan my next vacation. I suddenly have all
of this disposable income.

ANDY
I can't believe you. You have no remorse,
nothing! You don’t even care that you
screwed Angela!

Phyllis spits out a mouthful of water and starts coughing loudly. Angela’s eyes widen comically. She looks absolutely panicked. She looks hard at Phyllis, who is still coughing and then Dwight.

ANGELA
Andy, I… I didn’t…

ANDY
Oh, I’m sorry, my dear! That was crudely
phrased, I know. I’m sure we’ll… discuss
that later. At length. (beat) All I meant
was that Dwight took money away that I
could’ve put towards a dream wedding for you.
(says the last part cloyingly sweet, holding Angela’s hand)

Angela looks relieved as Andy turns to the still coughing Phyllis.

ANDY
Hey, you ok, Phyl?

PHYLLIS
Yes, I…(coughs) I’m sorry.
(clears throat)
You said Dwight screwing
Angela and…
(coughs again)
wrong pipe.

ANGELA
(panicked again)
Phyllis!

PHYLLIS
(realizing)
No… I meant the water! I didn’t
mean… I meant… didn’t go down
right.
(eyes wide)
I mean…

Phyllis looks back and forth at everyone then suddenly stands and bolts from the room. Angela looks at Dwight and Andy and does likewise.

ANDY
I REALLY wish I knew what the hell was
going on around here.

DWIGHT
(evilly)
Do you?

Andy looks puzzled at Dwight and shakes his head. He storms out. Dwight watches him go. A few seconds later Andy re-enters, picks up his wedding magazines, gives Dwight a dirty look and leaves again. Dwight looks at the camera, a small smile creeping onto his face.

DWIGHT(voiceover)
Do I feel guilty about Angela and I renewing
our relationship behind Andys’ back? And
about Phyllis knowing about it? No.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Although Angela is nervous – and… occasionally
hysterical about it - I am not. This was, as
it was known by my ancestors, a land grab. But
this land was mine before this… naïve farm boy
came along. I merely… re-staked my territory.
And when I did… when I thrust that stake deep
into the warm, wet soil…
(gets really far-off look on his face as his voice lowers)
…that fertile, heavenly ground… hearing it moan and
gasp… it’s nails raking across my back… it said
my name… MY name… bringing me closer… and
closer… until…