Just because I am ridiculously excited for a new season of Dwight K. Shrute talking heads.
ETA: This now also includes Angela Martin's questions. Hee!
1. Dwight Kurt Schrute by tessa mae
2. Angela Martin by tessa mae
Just had to get this out of my head and put it out there. Take it for what you will. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Dwight K. Schrute or any other recognizable characters. Not infringement intended.
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A quiet disposition, a strong back, good hips for birthing.
This question is meaningless. You should have asked what I value in my enemies. At least then I would be able to provide you with a productive answer. What do I value in my enemies? Nothing. That’s why they are my enemies.
The Shrutes have superior genes to most humans. There is one slight defect in these genes: detaching retinas. Or should I say mutinous retinas. My paternal grandmater was blinded by her traitorous eyes, and I am constantly monitoring mine. The fact that I already wear glasses is worrisome, but I imagine if I ever do face this problem, robotic eyes will have been invented that I can have transplanted. Actually, if they invent robotic eyes before my own biological eyes fail, I will probably get a pre-emptive transplant.
Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Scranton
Witnessing the destruction of Jim Halpert. Preferably through some means of maiming and/or mental breakdown. To sit at my desk and watch the weak tears drip from his eyes, to hear his kitten-like mews of agony echo off the walls of the office. Maybe with Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates” playing in the background. Yessss.
The sensei of my own dojo. To be able to pass along my vast knowledge of martial arts to the next generation. I would add more belt levels though. I feel students’ current ability to advance in level is far too easy. In my dojo, it would take a student 13 year to achieve black belt status. Final challenge to become a black belt? They would have to challenge me to a fight and not die. [Smiles and nods]
The land for my forefathers, Deutschland. Perhaps along the majestic Rhine river. The rich soil is idyllic for growing beets.
Black. Obviously. Next question.
Flowers serve no purpose whatsoever. They are a plague upon vegetation.
The hawk. Specifically the Great Black Hawk.
Han Solo. No, Capt. Apollo Adama. No, Jack Bauer.
Number Six. [Pause] What do you mean “Who is Number Six?”?
Michael Scott. Also, Bruce Lee.
Dwight, Kurt, Shrute, Heinrich, Wolfgang, Aragorn, and…Michael.
Jim Halpert. And meaningless holidays. Also, cats.
Franklin Delanor Roosevelt. Because of his soft-heartedness, we are still forced to carry the weak of this country. Social security? Pfft, please. More like Social Babysitting. He undermined everything the Great Depression did for this country, separating the weak from the strong. Do you think the Shrutes had any trouble weathering the crumble of the national economy? No. We were completely self-sufficient. My grandfather grew his own food, spun his own wool, and did his own dentistry. That’s what real Americans should be able to do. Survival of the fittest. Not survival of everyone thanks to the fittest coddling the weakest.
The Civil War. Why did we ever stop using bayonets? Idiots. Question: Are you referring specifically to US military history or does this include world military historical events? Then maybe the Battle of Hastings between King Harold II of England and Duke William of Normandy. Question: Does this specifically apply to factual historical events or are fictional ones applicable as well? If that is the case, I change my answer to The Battle of the Pelennor Fields from LOTR: Reurn of the King.
I do not admire reform. If you do not do it properly the first time, then you do not deserve a second chance. End of story. I will not be punished for your ignorance and inability to complete a task.
I would only like to add supernatural gifts. I need no other natural gifts. Perhaps the gift of flight. No, I’d like to be able to read people’s minds. This way I could learn their fears and weaknesses to use for my advantage. Also, no one would be able to sneak up on me or double cross me, because I could hear their plans from a mile away. And then punish them accordingly. And… I could hear what women were thinking when they give you that woman look with one eyebrow raised indicating irritation.
If not here in my desk chair, then preferably in hand to hand combat. I’ve also always admired the noble Bengal tiger’s choice of death. To walk into the wilderness to die alone. Honorable and poignant.
Vigilant. My mind is constantly vigilant.
I let my girlfriend get away with far too much brashness and attitude. I really should rein her in, but I find myself enjoying her fiery spirit. It’s almost like being a rancher and she’s the wild mustang I just don’t have the heart to corral.
Nulli expugnabilis host. Which is latin for “Conquerable by no enemy.”
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I had orginally intended this to just be a quick one-shot featuring Dwight, just to tide me over until the premiere last night. Yet after I watched it, I just had to do an Angela questionnaire. Because she was amazing in that ep!
R.I.P. Sprinkles
Disclaimer: I own none of these fantastic characters. No infringement intended.
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Indulgence is a sin. Next.
I suppose I mildly respect Ann Coulter. She seems to have a strong sense of values and faith.
I’ve always admired men who take charge and stand up for what they believe in. Men who have a strong moral base and believe in hard work, duty, and discipline. I do not admire weak men. I admire loyalty, but to a point. When loyalty is misplaced, especially when it’s given blindly to a mentally inferior, annoying Neanderthal, then I do not respect it. At all.
I dislike the majority of women. Loose morals and an improper sense of propriety seem to be all the rage these days. Apparently, keeping one’s legs closed is out of style. I especially hate women who talk too much, wear trampy clothing, and parade their sexual deviances in front of the world like some perverted badge of honor. And are named Kelly Kapoor.
I enjoy my job as a senior accountant. I, however, do not enjoy having to sit across from an ignorant, gluttonous monster that devours a two pound bag of M&M’s per week.
Envy is a sin. Next.
I have very few friends. It’s rare to find people that have a similar set of beliefs and values as I do. Even in my women’s group at church, they sometimes discuss…sex. In church. Why don’t we just talk about abortions or homosexual marriages? Maybe we can also craft alters to false golden idols. Harlots.
A well arranged bouquet of lilies is nice, I suppose. Easter lilies. But not too many, then it becomes gaudy.
[Dwight speaks from doorway] Pffft. You do know the lily is the symbolic flower of death.
[Angela whips around to glare at him] Well, you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?
[Dwight looks guilty, slinks away shutting door behind him]
White. The color of purity. And…Sprinkles’ beautiful fur. [Tears well up in eyes]
What? [Tears still brimming] No.
[Pause] The loss of a cherished and beloved cat. [Face slightly crumples in pain, tears spill over] A beautiful, sweet cat that never did a bad thing in her short, short life. She deserved a better death. She did not deserve to be pumped full of barbiturates and shoved into a freezer by a brute of a man as if she was garbage. She was a five-time winner of Most Beautiful Cat at the regional “A‘Cat’emy Awards”! Five times! And for him to just… [Chokes back sob] Unforgivable.
I used to think it would be to marry a kind yet strong gentleman and settle into a quiet life. [Dabs eyes] I now think that there may be no earthly happiness to be found, and true happiness will await me only in Heaven. Because in Heaven, sinners, trollops, and cat killers will not be allowed in.
Hmm. [Pauses, considering] Prudence. [Nods] Yes, prudence. When a person exemplifies prudence, they practice sound judgment at all times and with all actions. They do not stuff their girlfriend’s cats in freezers next to the frozen peas.
Putting trust into men who grossly misuse it.
To proceed in a relationship with a…gentleman…only to discover later his cold, manipulative heart. Can you imagine if I had continued to trust him to be around my other cats? I would have probably come home one evening to him fashioning a hat or something out of poor Persnickitty or trying to shave Mufferdoodle.
Jesus Christ. Next.
Cat killers. And Michael Scott.
Judas, of course. Mary Magdalene and…Marilyn Monroe. Is it coincidence that two of the biggest hussies in history have the same initials? Hardly.
Angry. Betrayed. Sad. But mostly angry. A Martin never forgets, you know. [Glares] Just ask my sister.
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked! If not, feel free to leave hate mail. But nice hate mail, if you could. My feelings chafe easily...
Bwahahaha! I love Andy.