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• The quality you most like in a woman?

A quiet disposition, a strong back, good hips for birthing.

• What do you most value in your friends?

This question is meaningless. You should have asked what I value in my enemies. At least then I would be able to provide you with a productive answer. What do I value in my enemies? Nothing. That’s why they are my enemies.

• What is your principle defect?

The Shrutes have superior genes to most humans. There is one slight defect in these genes: detaching retinas. Or should I say mutinous retinas. My paternal grandmater was blinded by her traitorous eyes, and I am constantly monitoring mine. The fact that I already wear glasses is worrisome, but I imagine if I ever do face this problem, robotic eyes will have been invented that I can have transplanted. Actually, if they invent robotic eyes before my own biological eyes fail, I will probably get a pre-emptive transplant. 

• What is your favorite occupation?

Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Scranton

• What is your dream of happiness?

Witnessing the destruction of Jim Halpert. Preferably through some means of maiming and/or mental breakdown. To sit at my desk and watch the weak tears drip from his eyes, to hear his kitten-like mews of agony echo off the walls of the office. Maybe with Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates” playing in the background. Yessss.

• What would you like to be?

The sensei of my own dojo. To be able to pass along my vast knowledge of martial arts to the next generation. I would add more belt levels though. I feel students’ current ability to advance in level is far too easy. In my dojo, it would take a student 13 year to achieve black belt status. Final challenge to become a black belt? They would have to challenge me to a fight and not die. [Smiles and nods]

• In what country would you like to live?

The land for my forefathers, Deutschland. Perhaps along the majestic Rhine river. The rich soil is idyllic for growing beets.

• What is your favorite color?

Black. Obviously. Next question.

• What is your favorite flower?

Flowers serve no purpose whatsoever. They are a plague upon vegetation.

• What is your favorite bird?

The hawk. Specifically the Great Black Hawk.

• Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Han Solo. No, Capt. Apollo Adama. No, Jack Bauer.

• Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Number Six. [Pause] What do you mean “Who is Number Six?”?

• Who are your heroes in real life?

Michael Scott. Also, Bruce Lee.

• What are your favorite names?

Dwight, Kurt, Shrute, Heinrich, Wolfgang, Aragorn, and…Michael.

• What is it you most dislike?

Jim Halpert. And meaningless holidays. Also, cats.

• What historical figures do you most despise?

Franklin Delanor Roosevelt. Because of his soft-heartedness, we are still forced to carry the weak of this country. Social security? Pfft, please. More like Social Babysitting. He undermined everything the Great Depression did for this country, separating the weak from the strong. Do you think the Shrutes had any trouble weathering the crumble of the national economy? No. We were completely self-sufficient. My grandfather grew his own food, spun his own wool, and did his own dentistry. That’s what real Americans should be able to do. Survival of the fittest. Not survival of everyone thanks to the fittest coddling the weakest. 

• What event in military history do you most admire?

The Civil War. Why did we ever stop using bayonets? Idiots. Question: Are you referring specifically to US military history or does this include world military historical events? Then maybe the Battle of Hastings between King Harold II of England and Duke William of Normandy. Question: Does this specifically apply to factual historical events or are fictional ones applicable as well? If that is the case, I change my answer to The Battle of the Pelennor Fields from LOTR: Reurn of the King.

• What reform do you most admire?

I do not admire reform. If you do not do it properly the first time, then you do not deserve a second chance. End of story. I will not be punished for your ignorance and inability to complete a task.

• What natural gift would you most like to possess?

I would only like to add supernatural gifts. I need no other natural gifts. Perhaps the gift of flight. No, I’d like to be able to read people’s minds. This way I could learn their fears and weaknesses to use for my advantage. Also, no one would be able to sneak up on me or double cross me, because I could hear their plans from a mile away. And then punish them accordingly. And… I could hear what women were thinking when they give you that woman look with one eyebrow raised indicating irritation.

• How would you like to die?

If not here in my desk chair, then preferably in hand to hand combat. I’ve also always admired the noble Bengal tiger’s choice of death. To walk into the wilderness to die alone. Honorable and poignant.  

• What is your present state of mind?

Vigilant. My mind is constantly vigilant.

• To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

I let my girlfriend get away with far too much brashness and attitude. I really should rein her in, but I find myself enjoying her fiery spirit. It’s almost like being a rancher and she’s the wild mustang I just don’t have the heart to corral.

• What is your motto?

                        Nulli expugnabilis host. Which is latin for “Conquerable by no enemy.”

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