She closed her eyes, and leaned her head on the back of the passenger seat. Today had been...well, a little too much to handle. Sure, Pam was happy for Phyllis and Bob, but seeing that her co-worker had recreated what would have been her wedding, right down to the dress and the flowers, had just been far more upsetting then she could have imagined. And then having to watch Jim and Karen slow dancing...well, she wasn't going to think about that. It was the last thing she needed at this point. Thank God for Roy. He had been so sweet and understanding the past few weeks. She had actually missed him. Missed the companionship. 10 years is a long time to have someone in your life. The point was, Roy had been there tonight, and she was grateful. She had jumped at the chance when he had offered to drive her home.

'You ok over there?' Roy asked

Pam opened her eyes and looked over at him. She managed a smile and said 'Just tired.'

She turned back to the window and gazed out at the passing lights. She closed her eyes to the recurring image of Jim and Karen swaying to the music. Suddenly, she was back in that darkened office, back in Jim's arms. Pushing the memory away, she was comforted by the darkness. It hid her tears well.

***

He watched Karen dancing on the stage and smiled. He was good at that. Putting on a happy face, when really he was completely torn up inside. He had had a lot of practice. He had seen Pam leaving with Roy, and it had nearly killed him. But, he felt like such a hypocrite. After all, he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who had moved from Connecticut, basically because of him. A girlfriend he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable with. Yes, Karen was a great girl. Smart, funny...and not exactly hard on the eyes. But, the ...connection, he kept waiting to feel with her, just never came. Yet, he still tried. They had spent hours talking about the 'relationship'. But still, he knew they were getting no where.

He had almost convinced himself that he had moved on after that night in May, when he had laid his heart open to Pam, and she had rejected him...not once, but twice in one night. But, seeing her leave the wedding, holding hands with her ex, was what pushed him to finally admitting it to himself. He was in love with her. Still. Of course he was. He had been since his first day at Dunder Mifflin all those years ago. That wasn't going to change.

But,like an epiphany he realized things really did need to change. He needed to stop lying to himself. And to everyone else. He had spent so many years running around in circles, afraid of growing up, and going after what he wanted. What he really wanted in life. Yes, there was always the chance he would end up getting his heart ripped out. Again. But damn it all if he didn't know exactly what he had to do. For the sake of his sanity he needed to take control of his life. He needed to stop making due with a distraction, and hoping one day he would wake up in love with Karen. He knew he was setting himself up for disaster yet again, but he was nothing if not diligent. Follow your heart, right?


Karen took her bow and left the stage, and made her way over to him. She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Pulling away, she winked 'Not too shabby, eh?'

He smiled weakly, his stomach dropping, feeling like the world's biggest asshole because of what he knew he had to do. 'Can we take a walk?'

She looked at him, her eyes crinkling as if trying to figure out what was going on inside that brain of his. 'Wow, is Michael making you fire me or something? You look like someone just died.'

He grabbed her hand, and started leading her towards the door.

'Jim...?'

He stopped and turned towards her. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, for the life of him he couldn't find the words. He sighed, looking down at the floor. Meeting her eyes finally, the look on her face told him words wouldn't have helped.

Roy grabbed a beer and headed back into the living room, and to Pam who was sitting curled up on the couch.

'you sure you don't want anything?' he asked.

'just about 12 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. Never doubt the importance of a good night's sleep, I always say.' she responded.

Pam was feeling a little awkward now that she was back at her apartment with Roy. She had been so anxious to leave the reception, and thankful to have a friend to lean on, she hadn't stopped to think about it being weird being alone with Roy after all this time.

He stood in the doorway, looking at her.

'Some night, huh?' he said

'Yeah...you could say that.'

'You know, tonight...spending time with you. It's been nice.' Roy said, smiling. He walked over to the couch, and sat next to her, his eyes never leaving her face. She felt like she was venturing into familiar territory and she wasn't sure if she was comfortable with that.

'I really needed a friend tonight, Roy. Thanks.'

'I've just been doing a lot of thinking, you know?' he paused. 'Ever since...you left me.' he looked over at her, and she could see a storm of emotions written all over his face.

'Roy...'

'No, wait listen to me. I know I was an asshole. I know I should have paid more attention to you. But...things weren't always bad, were they?'

'No, they weren't. But things were bad for a long time.' Pam reached out and touched his arm. 'You know it's better this way.'

'No,' he said, grabbing her hand. 'I don't know that. I miss you. I...'

She pulled away, and stood up. God, why couldn't things be easy? Roy was a good man. Yes, he had flaws, but he was a decent man who obviously cared about her. Why was she so reluctant to give it another try?

'I really think I need to get to bed.' she muttered, looking anywhere but at him. He was quiet for a moment, and then stood. 'Okay.' he said doing his best to keep the disappointment out of his voice. She followed him to the door, and he turned towards her. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

'I guess i'll see you at work, huh?' he said.

'Yeah.' She felt horrible for hurting him. But she couldn't go back to that life. Even if Jim was out of the picture.

***


'Just...just don't ok?' Karen whispered as she pulled her hand from his, and turned away.

Jim stood and watched as she made her way back inside the building, and headed straight for the bar. He hadn't had time to think of the right words, but she had known what was coming when she looked in his eyes. She said she had been a fool to expect anything less. In her heart she had known he was still hung up on Pam. But she wanted to believe him all the times he tried to convince her otherwise.

He ran his hand through his hair, and headed for his car. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Michael sitting on a bench on the side of the building, softly humming to himself.

'Still not allowed back in?' Jim asked, making his was over towards his boss.

Michael looked up, and broke into an embarrassed grin.

'What? Oh that? No, slight misunderstanding. I'm just taking a breather. It was getting kind of crazy in there.'

Jim sat down next to him, and muttered 'Indeed it was.'

'So,' Michael said, rubbing his hands together and looking over at his bench-mate.
'what about you? Why are you out here, and not off shaking it with our lovely Miss Karen?' Jim didn't respond, so Michael pressed on. 'Aw, did you two have a little lovers spat?' He grinned in his familiar oblivious way.

'Not exactly.' Jim said.

Michael looked over, and finally Jim said 'Karen and I broke up.'

'Oh man,' Michael said, leaning back and closing his eyes. 'I'm sorry. I know how hard this is. I've been in your shoes my friend, and it's not fun. Not fun at all.' He shifted towards him, and placed his hand on Jim's shoulder. 'Listen, it's gonna be ok. It's never easy when the woman you think is going to bare your children decides you're just not good enough...'

'Actually,' Jim broke in before Michael could continue. 'I broke it off.'

Michael was silent for a moment. 'Wow...didn't see that coming.'

Jim smiled despite himself.

'Well, I guess you had your reasons. Sometimes moving on is for the best.'

'See, that's the thing.' Jim responded. 'I can't move on.' He looked over at his boss, and smiled weakly.

'What? You mean Pam?'

Jim raised his eyebrows, and looked down at his feet.

The two sat in silence, listening to the music drifting from the windows behind them.

***

'Oh my God, turtles!' she heard herself yell out as she sat up on the couch. She had been dreaming. Something to do with her being on the Conan O Brien show along with the bobble-head version of Dwight. She couldn't remember where the turtles part came in. That's what she gets for eating a whole pint of ice cream and falling asleep with the tv on.

She was still feeling disoriented when she heard the knock on the front door. Oh God, she thought, it was probably Roy. She was definitely not in the mood for another emotionally awkward scene with him right now. Maybe she should just ignore it and go to bed. She didn't think the building was on fire...the knocking didn't sound frantic. There were no alarms going off. Good grief her head was so cloudy. She needed to crawl into bed and forget that this day had ever happened. But she found herself moving towards the door, when the second knock came.

Pushing the hair from her face, she opened the door. And found herself looking up into the eyes of the last person she had expected to see.

***

Pam's grip on the door handle tightened. Maybe she was still in the dream. Somehow the dream had morphed from Conan and bobble-head Dwight, into an unexpected visitor at 2am. Maybe not.

Jim looked more then a little disheveled as he stood outside her door, his hands deep in his pockets.

'Hey.' he said.

'It's Jim. Um, I mean, hey.' Pam did a mental head slap. It's Jim? Good grief.

Jim shuffled awkwardly, and seemed to be searching for what to say.
'So, um...listen I know it's late and all. But i've walked back and forth from my car to your door about 10 times, and frankly if I go back out again, I think someone's going to call the police.' He smiled in his lopsided way, knowing how lame his attempt at humor sounded.

'Wait...you've been doing what?'
'Pam...' He paused and took a deep breath, finally meeting her eyes. 'I just really need to talk to you.'

She was beyond confused. What the hell was going on? Jim had basically been ignoring her since coming back to Scranton. Brushing off most of her attempts to rekindle their previous close friendship. And now he shows up here in the middle of the night desperate to talk to her?

She stood back, and let him pass into her living room. Suddenly feeling self conscious in her tank top and pajama bottoms, she instinctively grabbed for a sweater that was hanging by the door. She made her way back to the couch, and switched the tv off, highly aware of his gaze on her.

'So, what's up?' she said, trying to sound more cheerful then nervous.

Jim was silently walking around her living room, looking at pictures, touching various things. She watched him, and he seemed to be struggling with something.

'Jim? Is everything ok?'

'Can I ask you a question?' he said, turning towards her. 'Why did you call off the wedding?'

She didn't know what she had been expecting, but it definitely wasn't that. She was stunned for a moment, and felt the heat rising to her cheeks. She was silent for a moment, trying to get her bearings.

'There were...a lot of reasons.'

'Those reasons...' he paused and his voice lowered as he continued. 'Were any of them because of what happened that night?'

Pam froze, and she felt the color drain from her face.

*


Pam was silent for a what seemed like forever, and then muttered. 'I...I'm not sure I know what your talking about.' she stammered. She knew how ridiculous it sounded as soon as it came out of her mouth, but she went with it anyway.

Jim sat across from her, clasping his hands in front of him, and leaning forward.
'Pam...please.'

She stood up, and wrapped her arms around herself.

'Jim, what the hell is going on?'

Standing, he moved closer to her. She backed away.

'Pam...wait.'

'Why now? Why are you doing this now?' her anger surprised even herself. He was silent, and she shook her head in frustration. 'Is this some kind of ego thing for you?'

'Ego thing? What? No...' He responded.

'You come back to town acting like a completely different person, like you...you can't distance yourself enough from me. And then I have to deal with seeing you with Karen every day...knowing how badly I screwed up. All because I was too stupid to go for what I really wanted, instead of what I felt safe with.' The tears were falling now, but she didn't care. She wanted to take all the words back...to roll them back inside her brain, but it was too late. She had managed to humiliate herself once again. She forced herself to look into his eyes, the look of shock plain on his face.

'Why now?' She repeated. He didn't respond, so she turned her back to him.

'I saw you. I saw you leave with Roy.' he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

She spun around and looked at him. 'And I've seen you with Karen. Everyday.'

'I broke up with her.' he said quietly as she walked towards the front door. She stopped, but didn't turn back. She shook her head once again, and didn't know what she was supposed to say to that.

'Do you ever feel, ' he said after a few seconds 'like history is repeating?'

She sighed, and started to turn back towards him 'What is that even supposed to mean...'. Her breath caught in her throat because he was right there...inches from her. Without another word, and without hesitation his arms were pulling her to him, and his mouth covered hers. Her body immediately tensed and seemed to seize up at the sudden jolt of sensations. His kiss was gentle, but firm, his lips pressing against hers, and haltingly his tongue pressing further. She felt her body slowly melting into his, and gave in, running her hands up his chest, and letting one hand travel up across his neck, and brushing through his hair. He shifted and pressed her into the cold wood of the door, and his hands moved up, cupping her face. Their lips parted for an instant, and she put her hand to his chest, stopping him from closing in again. They stood there, looking at each other. Neither of them able to find the words.

**

He lightly grazed the back of his hand over her cheek, as he looked into her eyes. His emotions were overwhelming him. He didn't know how he had expected her to react to his question, but he had been shocked at the force of her words. His instincts had been right; she had broke it off with Roy because of him. And what had he done? Instead of letting the consequences of what happened that night sink in with her...instead of giving her time to process her emotions, he had run away. He felt the sting of her anger, and hated himself for hurting her.


'My first day.' he whispered. His voice sounded so far away, even to himself. The sound of it seemed to snap her out of her daze.

She blinked, and said 'What?'

'My first day at work.' he continued, his mouth agonizingly close to hers. The were still pressed together, Pam with her back against the front door.
'I was nervous, but excited at the same time.' He smiled in that shy, adorable way of his, that always made her feel like a bell was going off in her stomach. 'So I show up... a few minutes late naturally. And the first person I saw, was you.' He paused again, and she wouldn't have been able to move if she'd wanted to. 'You were so sweet, and you warned me about Dwight, and...you smiled at me. And that was it. I knew...right then. And there's never been anyone else for me. No matter how many times i told myself it wouldn't happen. that i was just a friend to you. I always wanted more. Hoped...for more.' He broke eye contact with her for a split second, before his gaze returned to her face and continued. 'All that time, working with you, being your friend...it was everything to me. And I did my best to...handle your relationship with Roy. But it never got easier.'

'Jim...'

'That night in May, when I told you how I felt...i had been imagining that moment for...so long, and it always had a happy ending. So..' he backed away from her and put his hands in his pockets once again. ' when it didn't...i panicked. And I left. I know that wasn't fair to you.' He turned away, and she reached out to put her hand on his back, but stopped herself. She had so much she wanted to say to him...but her mind couldn't process her thoughts fast enough. He looked back at her, and there was the saddest smile on his beautiful face. She saw his eyes glistening, and she wanted to take him in her arms, and make him see how much she loved him. She reached out and grabbed his hand. He didn't pull away, but looked at the floor as if he was suddenly self-conscious.

'I know i've screwed everything up. I handled things in the worst possible way. And i'm so sorry.' He moved closer to her....and his voice dropped to barely above a whisper. 'I love you. If i'm too late, then i'll just have to find a way to live with that.'

Her brain felt like it was melting in on itself, and she was unable to say a word. He looked at her for a few seconds more, lightly brushing the hair from her face. He quietly moved past her, slipping out the front door.

Her body seemed to sag and she heard his footsteps fading. She felt the wall behind her, and slowly slid to the floor. Her face buried in her hands.

**

She was late for work the next morning. The rest of the night had passed by in a tear-filled haze, and by the time she realized what time it was, it was after 7am. Even with doing her best to rush through her normal routine, and skipping breakfast, she had still been 20mins late. On the short drive to work, she went over what she wanted to say to Jim that morning. She never should have let him walk out of her apartment last night. She should have sat him down and spilled everything. But she had just been so overwhelmed by his showing up in the middle of the night, and bringing back all those memories. And the way he had kissed her...with such longing and regret. Yes...she had to get him alone. She had so much she wanted...had to say to him. What had come briefly pouring out of her the night before, had only been the tip of the iceberg. And she had said those things out of confusion, and hurt. It had absolutely not come out the way she would have wanted it to. So, she didn't care if she had to lock the two of them in the conference room, he was going to listen to her.

But when she arrived at the office, she immediately noticed Jim's desk was empty. Her heart sank, and she immediately feared the worst; He had left town again. She was almost weak with worry as she slowly approached Dwight who was slumped over her his computer screen. He looked up at her and seemed to scrutinize more then usual.

'Sleeping in is a luxury the Shrutes have never known. We accomplish more by 3am then most people do in a week. By the looks of it, sleep doesn't agree with you Pam. You look worse then Merideth.'

'I'm standing right here, damnit!' the older woman shouted from behind him.

'Dwight, do you know where Jim is? Is he on a sales call?' Pam said

He chuckled to himself 'And why would Jim be out on a sales call, and not me? I think the numbers speak...' he started in.

'Oh for the love of muppets, not today Dwight.'

Pam turned and saw Michael standing in the doorway to his office.

'Oh...Pam you're here. Well ok, good... I need your help.' he waved her inside.

She followed him, and closed the door.

'Michael...where's Jim? Is he out of the office this morning?' she hoped she didn't sound too desperate.

'Asked for a sick day. I thought you had done the same thing.' He smiled and sat behind his desk.

'Why would I do that?' she asked

'Well, when you weren't here this morning, I figured you two had let love lift you up where you belong, and who am I to stand in the way, am I right? I mean, granted this is a bad day, employee wise, considering Karen quit...but you two.' he pointed at her, and then brought up his other hand, bringing the two index fingers together. 'You two...well, you're like my family. Like my siblings.' Pausing again, he said 'Of course that would make you and Jim brother and sister which is a little weird...'

'Wait...' Pam didn't know where to begin. But then, she rarely did when talking to her boss. 'Why would...Jim and I...how did?'

Michael leaned back in his chair. 'Jim and I had an intense rap session last night, at Phyllis' wedding. Just one of many, and Jim was feeling a little blue about seeing you with Roy and I gave him my counsel. ' he smiled 'Free of charge of course.' he laughed.

'You gave Jim advice...about me and Roy?'

' I listened...as best friends do, to how he saw you leave the wedding with Roy, and that he wasn't over you so he had to break up with Karen. I thought he would have gone over all that with you when he went to your apartment last night?'

It suddenly hit her. The reason he had left things the way he did last night. The reason he wasn't at work this morning. He thought she was back together with Roy. That's what he meant about it being 'too late'. God, she could be so stupid.

She stood up, and said to Michael 'Listen, I think will take that sick day, if it's alright?'

'Yeah...ok.' She turned to go, but then remembered he had asked for her help.

'Did you need something first?'

'No...I got it. Not a problem.'

'Thanks Michael.'

As she left, he turned back to his computer screen. He smacked the side of the monitor. 'Damn you, Sudoku.'

***