COLD OPEN

INT. Main Office

It is the end of the day and everybody except JIM and DWIGHT can be seen in various stages of either shutting down their computers, grabbing their coats, or walking out the door. As the camera focuses on JIM and DWIGHT, we see PAM come over from Reception and sit on the edge of JIM’s desk.

 

PAM

Hey, you ready?

 

JIM

(looks up at her reluctantly)

Uh, no I can’t.

 

PAM looks at JIM with confusion and a little surprise.

 

JIM (cont.)

Um, today is the day.

(nods his head towards DWIGHT)

 

PAM

(smiles as she follows JIM’s nod, and then focuses back on him)

Oh [beat] okay. Well, I’m…

(pushes up and off JIM’s desk and begins walking slowly back towards Reception, while still looking at JIM)

going to go [beat] home. Where I’m free to go after work, but, um, you sure you don’t want to come?

(smiles even wider)

 

JIM

(smirks)

Yeah, I’m good. Thank you though [beat] so much.

 

PAM smiles and grabs her coat. Before she leaves, she turns one more time to JIM and mouths ‘home’ as a question and points at the door. JIM shakes his head, and as he does so, DWIGHT interrupts the moment.

 

DWIGHT

(seriously)

Are you ready for this?

 

JIM

(turning to DWIGHT)

Is that [beat] a serious question?

 

DWIGHT

Don’t be a sore loser Jim. It’s too becoming of you.

(smiles at own ingenuity)

 

Camera pans back to JIM and zooms in on his annoyed face.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Okay, so here’s what happened. This year, the Phillies made the playoffs. They’re like my favorite team and I was excited [beat] okay, maybe too excited.

 

The camera jumps to a quick cut of JIM sitting at his desk wearing a Chase Utley jersey, with a Phillies baseball cap, and holding DWIGHT’s Mike Lieberthal bobble-head. He is fending off DWIGHT who is attempting to get it back.

 

CUT BACK TO JIM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)

So in the first round they played the Colorado Rockies, who, I mean, are what like ten years old? I’ve never even met a Rockies fan [beat] well…

 

The camera jumps to a quick cut of DWIGHT sitting at his desk with a Todd Helton jersey, Rockies hat, and Troy Tulowitzki bobble-head. The camera pans over to see JIM looking over at him and shaking his head.

 

CUT BACK TO JIM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)

He said he’s always liked them [beat] but c’mon

(gives disbelieving smirk to camera)

So anyway, we made a bet that whomever’s team won the series, the other person could make them watch whatever movie they wanted. [beat] Mine was going to be ‘The Phantom Menace’

(smiles at camera)

He hates that movie so much.

 

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Yes, the Rockies swept the Phillies, three games to none. Was I surprised? Of course not. Schrutes don’t bet on losers…

(looks away from the camera and says thoughtfully)

with the exception of World Wars.

(pauses but then looks back at camera)

But that is irrelevant. I won, and now [beat]

(said in a slightly higher tone)

Jim has to suffer the enlightened consequences.

 

CUT TO: INT. Conference Room

The table has been removed and in its place sits two chairs, both facing the television, which is at the front of the room. JIM is sitting in one of them, alone. His arms are crossed and he is clearly unhappy. Moments later, DWIGHT walks in with a hemp satchel and sits down next to him.

 

JIM

(turns to DWIGHT)

Alright, what movie are we watching?

 

DWIGHT

(reaches into satchel and pulls out three DVDs)

We are watching a cinema classic, The Lord of the Rings.

 

JIM

(without hesitation)

That’s three movies, Dwight.

 

DWIGHT

Uh, no Jim. It’s one movie with three volumes.

(ticks off the titles on his fingers)

The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King.

(shows fingers to JIM)

 

JIM

(looking at DWIGHT)

How many fingers are you holding up right now?

 

DWIGHT

(looks at hand and then puts it down)

They’re volumes.

 

Without a word JIM gets up from his chair and walks out of the Conference Room. DWIGHT is half a step behind him.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office, JIM’s Desk

JIM walks straight to his desk, with DWIGHT on his heels, and types something on his keyboard. The camera shifts so that it can see his monitor, and we see that is looking up ‘The Lord of The Rings’ on Wikipedia. After a second, JIM hangs his head.

 

JIM

(softly mutters)

Dammit.

 

JIM and DWIGHT silently go back into the Conference Room.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Conference Room

JIM sits back down in his chair, while DWIGHT grabs the case for ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’, and walks over to the DVD player.

 

JIM

(skeptically)

Do you really want to be in this room with me for [beat]

(worriedly)

wait, how long is this going to take?

 

DWIGHT

(while still focused on the DVD player)

Eleven point three hours [beat] and do you want to be in a room with me that long?

 

JIM

(shakes head)

No, not really.

 

DWIGHT

(turns to JIM)

Then I do.

(pushes in tray dramatically, and the DVD begins to play)

 

As it starts, DWIGHT reaches again into his satchel and pulls out three books.

 

JIM

(looking at DWIGHT)

What are those?

 

DWIGHT

(holds up books)

The texts. The Extended Editions aren’t comprehensive, Jim. This way, we can do dramatic readings of key passages that aren’t in the film [beat] you wouldn’t believe how much the Ents are ignored!

 

JIM

(dryly)

I could probably believe it…

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

and then I will get a Moons Over My Hammy for breakfast tomorrow morning.

 

JIM

Oh, uh….

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting hurriedly)

Wait. Shut up, Galadriel is talking.

 

There is a two to three second pause as they both watch the movie.

 

DWIGHT (cont.)

(while still watching the movie, and whispered)

Do you know Elvish?

 

JIM looks at the camera.

 

END OF COLD OPEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

INT. Main Office

All of the Accountants are working diligently and quietly on work, when suddenly their computer screens (we see OSCAR’s) turn black and an error message pops up. At the same time we hear a general rabble from the rest of the office. The camera swings around to see the reactions of the other office employees, who are experiencing the same problem on their own computers. This goes on for several seconds, until MICHAEL walks out from his office.

 

MICHAEL

Whoa! Hey, whoa, okay. Are all the computers cracking here too?

 

ANGELA

It’s crashing, and yes they are.

 

MICHAEL

(holds up hands defensively)

Alright, alright. Look, I’m sure there is a totally reasonable explanation for this.

 

As MICHAEL talks he walks slowly towards Reception. As he does, the camera zooms out to see PAM’s face turn to dread, as he gets closer.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

(leans on Reception desk)

Pam probably…

 

PAM

(interrupting in a lowered voice)

No, Michael.

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting unfazed)

was looking up…

 

PAM

(even quieter)

Michael.

 

MICHAEL

(looks at camera confidently)

some pornography, and, uh, she broke the computer [beat] again. No big deal.

(smiles at camera and then to PAM)

 

PAM lowers her head, and her hair obstructs her face.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

(turns to face the rest of the employees, and says slightly too loudly)

Look, everyone, pornography is cool, okay? I am [beat] down with it. Um,

(looks at camera)

as long as it is consensual [beat] and there are no animals…

(looks back to office)

just, you know, not on company time, because [beat] it crashes computers. So learn from Pam’s mistake, or well, mistakes.

 

Everyone in the office is now staring at Reception.

 

JIM

(standing up)

Michael, Pam wasn’t…

 

PAM

(interrupting)

No, Jim, I—

(stands up behind her desk, and fake smiles)

I was not doing that. At all. [beat] I don’t do that.

 

The camera pans over to see everyone in the office still staring at her, and then back to her standing quietly behind her desk. The camera zooms in slightly.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

One time! Okay. I was bored, and the little banner was flashing, and [beat] it [beat] wasn’t a big deal or anything. I’m not [beat] like a, you know, person like that.

(looks at camera resolutely)

 

KEVIN TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

That is so hot. Pam watching porn [beat] at work.

(exhales dramatically)

 

PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I don’t think Pam was really doing that. I mean, she works with Jim, so [beat]

(whispers to camera)

the oven is already pre-heated.

 

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

 

MICHAEL

(sincerely)

Okay, well, I am sorry, Pam.

(there is a pause where MICHAEL and PAM look at each other)

Um, so [beat] can you call the guy?

 

PAM

(sits back down)

What guy?

 

MICHAEL

You know, the….

(mimics with his hands adjusting a turban on his head)

guy.

 

PAM

(a little sharply)

The IT guy?

 

MICHAEL

Yes! Right. That guy.

 

PAM picks up the phone, while MICHAEL walks away, and towards JIM’s and DWIGHT’s desks.

 

ANDY

What are we supposed to do in the meantime?

 

MICHAEL

Oh, I’m sure IT is already on their way

(smiles and looks back over his shoulder at PAM)

 

PAM

(with her hand over the phone and to MICHAEL)

IT can’t get here until tomorrow.

 

MICHAEL

(scratches his head and grimaces)

That’s not…

 

STANLEY

(interrupting)

I can’t make any sales without my computer, Michael.

 

The rest of the Sales team, except DWIGHT, chimes in with similar reactions. The camera zooms in on a clearly overwhelmed and flustered MICHAEL.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael's Office]

Technology is terrible. They always say ‘oh, digitize this, and microbot that’, yeah well, look where that’s got us.

(demonstrates where he is with his hands)

Locked in my office [beat] with the blinds closed.

 

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office, PHYLLIS’ and ANDY’s Desk

PHYLLIS is sitting at her desk knitting, and looking over covertly at ANDY, who is tapping his fingers on his desk and fidgeting.

 

ANDY

(sarcastic chuckle)

I can’t believe this happened today.

 

PHYLLIS

(looks up from her knitting)

I know…

 

ANDY

(interrupting loudly)

I needed like two more sales. Two more! It [beat] isn’t fair. I—

(gets up from his desk, but then sits right back down. He looks at the camera)

 

ANDY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Today is the last sales day before the end of the quarter, and I needed like two small sales to reach incentive. It’s a couple hundred dollar bonus. I wanted to take a Segway tour of Philadelphia with m’lady. But now?

(gives exasperated face to camera)

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Office Building Hallway

JIM, KEVIN, and OSCAR are standing in the hallway next to each other. JIM is holding an orange, and we come in mid-conversation.

 

OSCAR

I wish we could just go home, its not like we’re going to get any work done.

 

KEVIN

(staring at the orange intently)

Where did you get an orange?

 

JIM

(looks over at KEVIN quizzically)

The fruit machine?

 

KEVIN

We have a fruit machine?

 

JIM and OSCAR exchange looks. Then JIM notices the camera filming them.

 

JIM

(to camera)

Oh. [beat] Yeah, well, I know its only been like, twenty minutes since the computers crashed, but [beat]

(shrugs)

we got bored.

 

The camera zooms out and pans over to see that at the end of the hallway are ten highlighters, standing up in a triangle.

 

OSCAR

(to camera)

We’re calling it ‘Crashball’

 

JIM nods approvingly, while KEVIN continues to look covetously at the orange.

 

JIM

Alright, I’ll go first.

 

The camera cuts to a long shot down the hallway, where we see JIM bowl the orange towards the camera, and in the direction of the highlighters. It hits them, knocking all then over, and scattering them in all directions.

 

JIM (cont.)

Oh!

 

OSCAR and KEVIN both smile and high-five him.

 

JIM (cont.)

Smokey, mark it ten! Alright.

(smiles)

 

The camera cuts again as we watch KEVIN bowl the orange in an extremely professional manner towards the highlighters, from the same angle as before. Unfortunately, the orange misses the highlighters completely and hits the wall with some velocity, resulting in the orange squishing beyond repair. The camera remains on it, as it begins to leak juice everywhere. It then, swings back to the bowlers. JIM is looking at the camera, KEVIN is still on one knee from his bowling technique, and OSCAR is looking in the direction of the orange.

 

JIM

Ah [beat] we [beat] should probably go back inside.

 

OSCAR

Yeah we [beat] yeah.

 

Without another word, JIM, KEVIN, and OSCAR scamper out of frame.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk. He presses a button on his phone, which turns on the speakerphone.

 

MICHAEL

Pam?

 

PAM

(over speakerphone)

Michael, the IT guy doesn’t hate you, and he still can’t come until tomorrow.

 

MICHAEL

No, I know, I, uh, need your [beat] well, can you get Angela and come in here?

 

PAM

Okay.

 

The camera cuts to PAM and ANGELA entering MICHAEL’s Office. They both sit down in seats directly in front of his desk.

 

MICHAEL

Ah, my ladies.

 

PAM

Oh no.

 

MICHAEL

I need, some, [beat] feminine help.

 

ANGELA

(tersely)

I am not explaining the difference between wings and no-wings to you again.

 

PAM looks with surprise over at ANGELA, who refuses to make eye-contact with her or the camera.

MICHAEL

Wha—No, Angela. This is [beat] different. Um, you guys are like the nicest two women in the office.

(smiles)

 

Once again, PAM looks with surprise over at ANGELA.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

Who are also young [beat] ish, and not Kelly. and I need your help.

 

PAM

(reluctantly)

With what, Michael?

 

MICHAEL

Jan.

 

PAM nods her head as though she expected the answer, while ANGELA looks at MICHAEL with distain.

 

PAM

Michael, I really don’t think…

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No, Pam. Just [beat] listen, okay? Please?

 

PAM sits back in her chair.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

Thank you. Look, Jan, is [beat]

(said genuinely)

she moved here from New York, and she doesn’t know anyone [beat] and she just sits in the condo all day. I just, you two are my friends, and I want her to have friends too, you know?

(looks over resignedly at PAM and ANGELA, and then says with a lowered voice)

Also, um, Pam I am sorry again about jumping to conclusions with the porn.

 

PAM and ANGELA both visibly soften at MICHAEL’s words, though the former, more than the latter.

 

PAM

(softly)

Thank you, Michael. Um, but what do you want us to do?

 

MICHAEL

Well, I was thinking that since with the computers down, nobody can work anyway, you three could go out to lunch, maybe dollar menu it up? And, then, you know, go shopping this afternoon? [beat] but, not, um, spend money.

 

ANGELA

Not spend money?

 

MICHAEL

Yeah, you know, what is that thing women do? Where they shop but don’t buy anything? Uh…

 

PAM

(interrupting)

Window shop?

 

MICHAEL

(thoughtfully)

No, we’ve already got windows for the condo.

 

PAM

No, I mean, I think that’s what you call it, when you don’t spend money.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. Okay, yeah, so do you think you two could do that? She’s

(looks over at clock which reads 12:12)

probably getting up in a half an hour or so. I can call her.

 

PAM

Well….

 

ANGELA

(interrupting bluntly)

I want compensation.

 

PAM and MICHAEL both look over at her, but her gaze remains on MICHAEL.

 

MICHAEL

I don’t [beat] have…

 

ANGELA

If I am going to leave the office during a workday, in a non-Party Planning Committee function, I want to be compensated.

 

MICHAEL

(confusedly)

Okay. Um, alright…

(leans back in his chair and turns his head slightly and begins mumbling indistinctly)

 

ANGELA

(sternly)

Sit up and talk like a man.

 

MICHAEL

(stops his negotiation tactic, sits up and hunches over his desk)

Wha-What do you want?

 

ANGELA

Pam and I…

(PAM looks at camera helplessly)

want two days paid vacation

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting excitedly)

Done!

 

ANGELA

(interrupting forcefully)

And, we want you to ban ‘that’s what she said’ for two weeks.

 

The camera zooms in on MICHAEL’s face, which registers complete shock at ANGELA’s words.

 

MICHAEL

(worriedly)

Um, can’t we ban something else? Like magic, or [beat] anything else?

 

ANGELA

(crosses arms)

No.

 

MICHAEL

What if we reduced it to once a day?

 

ANGELA continues to make eye contact with MICHAEL. This goes on for several seconds, until he crumbles and looks away.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

Fine, two weeks.

 

ANGELA

Then we’re done here.

 

ANGELA gets up from her chair and exits the office. PAM gets up behind her, and looks over at MICHAEL apologetically with her hand on the door.

 

PAM

Open or closed?

 

MICHAEL

(despondently)

I, uh, it doesn’t matter.

 

PAM looks at the camera sadly.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

It is lunchtime, and everyone with the exception of MICHAEL, DWIGHT, ANGELA, and PAM are all eating. There is indistinct chatter, until the camera focuses on the table with JIM, OSCAR, and KEVIN.

 

KEVIN

We gotta think of more games with fruit.

 

OSCAR and JIM both nod absent-mindedly. JIM then stares at the table and looks like he’s thinking.

 

JIM

Oh, I forgot my carrots.

(gets up from table)

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

The camera follows JIM from behind as he walks out into the Main Office, and towards his desk. As he walks past DWIGHT’s desk, where DWIGHT is sitting, they exchange words.

 

JIM

Dwight.

 

DWIGHT

Jim.

 

The camera continues to follow JIM as he walks to the coat rack where his bag is. As he reaches inside of it for his carrots, a ‘dinging’ sound is heard from DWIGHT’s desk. The camera and JIM both turn to face it.

 

JIM

What was that?

 

DWIGHT

(looking up from his computer)

What was what?

 

JIM

That noise, just now, what was that?

 

DWIGHT

(said very slowly and stiltedly)

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

 

The camera shows JIM standing near the coat rack for a second, before he begins to walk towards DWIGHT.

 

JIM

(curiously)

Why are you sitting at your desk?

 

DWIGHT

I [beat] sometimes eat lunch at my desk.

(accusingly)

I’m not a slacker like you are, Jim.

 

JIM

(brushes off comment)

Yeah [beat] but your computer isn’t working [beat] so what could you be doing?

 

DWIGHT

Filing [beat] things, for purposes.

 

There is another ‘dinging’ noise heard again. This time, unmistakably from DWIGHT’s computer. The camera catches DWIGHT looking at it, and then slowly shifting his gaze to JIM, who is now standing next to him.

 

JIM

You’re [beat]

(reaches down and hits the keyboard)

 

From a camera zoom near the middle of the room, we see the Dunder-Mifflin desktop background come up on DWIGHT’s computer.

 

JIM (cont.)

(shocked)

Your computer isn’t crashed!

 

DWIGHT

(menacingly)

Fine! Now you know my secret.

 

JIM

But [beat] how did you…?

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

I built a labyrinth of firewalls, and redundant security measures into my computer. It is completely immune to viruses [beat] just like me.

(looks up at JIM)

Don’t tell anyone. I’m trying to get double-incentive for the quarter. I just need one more sale.

 

JIM

(nods and exhales)

Yeah, no, I understand, I uh, won’t tell anyone.

 

DWIGHT

(nods as well)

Good, Jim. Good.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

 

The camera is already on the door, as JIM enters.

 

JIM

(to everyone)

Hey, Dwight’s computer is working everybody.

 

JIM moves aside at the door, as ANDY runs past him, and STANLEY and PHYLLIS walk by. He smiles at the camera.

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

 

 

INT. ANGELA’s Car (moving)

 

ANGELA is driving herself and PAM, who is in the passenger seat. Neither one is talking, and consequently there is an awkward silence. The situation stays the same for several seconds, during which PAM steals a nervous glance over at ANGELA, who remains completely focused on the road the entire time.

 

PAM

(awkwardly friendly)

Um, so, what are you going to do with your extra vacation days?

 

ANGELA

(without looking over)

I haven’t completely decided yet.

 

PAM

Oh. Well, we did just get…

 

ANGELA

(interrupting)

I want to go to Colonial Williamsburg but Andy wants to go to some amusement park in Ohio.

 

PAM

(nods her head)

Cedar Point?

 

ANGELA

(flatly)

I don’t know. I’m not eleven.

 

There is another silence of several seconds. ANGELA rolls her eyes discreetly, and begins to talk.

 

ANGELA

What are you and Jim going to do?

 

PAM

I dunno. He told me he wants…

(begins to smile to herself a little)

to go to Amish country, because of [beat] uh…

(looks over at ANGELA with the realization of what she just said, and then continues softly)

or, um, Philadelphia, maybe.

 

ANGELA

Philadelphia sounds perfect for you.

 

There is another silence.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office

 

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, with his feet propped up on it. He is leaning back in his chair, with his hands behind his head. We come in mid-conversation, and it is clear that he has been talking for some time.

 

MICHAEL

Seventh grade sucked, you know? For Halloween that year I wanted to go as that computer HAL 2001.

(looks at camera and impersonates ‘HAL 9000’ voice from 2001: A Space Odyssey)

Trick or Treat, give me something good to eat

(smiles and returns to normal voice)

I know, amazing. But, Jeff said nobody would get it. So you know what I ended up being? A piece of candy corn! It was so [beat] stupid Jeff. And, also!...

 

Suddenly there are raised voices heard outside of MICHAEL’s office. He stops talking and sits up. The voices get louder, and he gets up from his desk, and begins walking towards the door to investigate. Just before he opens the door, he turns to the camera.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

Must be that time of the month.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office, DWIGHT and JIM’s Desks

 

JIM is sitting at his desk, and looking at the scene before him. DWIGHT is sitting at his desk, but is surrounded by PHYLLIS, STANLEY, and ANDY who are all talking at once and standing uncomfortably close to him. MICHAEL opens the door to his office, and as he walks towards the scene, he talks.

 

MICHAEL

Hey, what, uh, what is going on?

(comes to stand next to JIM)

 

ANDY

(looking over at MICHAEL)

Dwight’s computer is working, and I really need to use it.

(makes an accompanying hand gesture to demonstrate his barely suppressed rage)

 

STANLEY

(tiredly)

Michael, just tell Dwight to share the computer so we can all make our calls.

 

DWIGHT

(turning to look at STANLEY)

He wouldn’t do that. I’m the best salesman in the company, Stanley. [beat] This isn’t Communist Cuba.

(looks at MICHAEL for affirmation)

 

MICHAEL

(considers DWIGHT’s words)

That’s true, this is a ‘demo-krat-ah-see-a’.

(very tentatively)

Though, Dwight, maybe it would be best if you….

 

JIM

(interrupting)

Let everyone use the computer?

 

MICHAEL

(contemplatively)

Well, no….

 

JIM

(frowns, and then in mock-thoughtfulness)

Wore makeup?

 

 

MICHAEL

(looks over at JIM disdainfully)

What? No, God [beat] is it Gay Pride Month already?

(chuckles and looks at camera, then to everyone else. They are not laughing.)

Because I hope so. Gonna get one of those rainbow flags, put it on the Cruiser. Uh [beat] wait, what we were talking about?

 

PHYLLIS

Michael, it’s the last day of the quarter, and we all need a computer to make sales calls.

 

MICHAEL

Right. Oh! Wait, I know what to do.

 

MICHAEL quickly turns and runs back into his office. The camera then focuses on JIM.

 

JIM

(looks at the camera and asks with a fake seriousness under his breath)

Train whistle?

 

MICHAEL runs back with a thick volume under his arm. He then holds it up to the camera. The camera zooms in quickly to see that it is ‘The Mediator’s Tool Chest’ previously used during ‘Conflict Resolution’.

 

MICHAEL

(shows it to everyone)

Right? This thing is like [beat] the Donald Trump of mediation books. So, Dwight because this is America….

(looks at camera and says seriously)

the greatest country on Earth.

(looks to DWIGHT)

We will negotiate for the use of your computer.

 

DWIGHT

(contemplates the idea)

Fine. But I refuse to deal with Jim.

 

JIM

(Puts his hands up questioningly)

What? Why?

 

DWIGHT

(intensely)

I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

 

JIM

(smirks questioningly)

I’m not a terrorist, Dwight.

 

DWIGHT

Really, Jim? Then why were my car keys encased in Jello last week?

 

JIM

Hmmm. They tripped and fell in?

 

DWIGHT

(crosses his arms)

No. I refuse to deal with him. You may pick a representative among the rest of you and I will meet you in the Conference Room in five minutes.

(gets up from his desk quickly, pushing his chair into ANDY)

I’m going to go prepare.

 

 

CUT TO: EXT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

 

The camera pans from the parking lot over to the restaurant’s sign to establish the location.

 

CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

 

ANGELA and PAM are standing next to each other, waiting to be seated.

 

ANGELA

(agitatedly)

Why did we have to come here?

 

PAM

(looks at ANGELA with a little annoyance, as it is clear this isn’t the first time she’s said it)

Because, we needed to go someplace cheap, and [beat] did you want to go to McDonalds?

 

ANGELA

(makes disgusted face)

Fine.

 

Behind them, we see the door to the restaurant open, and JAN walk in. She looks much the same as she did in ‘Dunder-Mifflin Infinity’ (casual clothing, and minimal makeup). JAN immediately sees the camera, and frowns, but walks up directly behind ANGELA and PAM.

 

JAN

Uh, hey.

 

PAM and ANGELA both jump a little, but turn around. PAM is smiling, ANGELA is not.

 

PAM

Hey, Jan. How are you?

 

JAN

Uh, good [beat] good. I see the cameras are here.

(looks again at camera)

 

PAM

Oh, yeah. They, uh, yeah. Sorry.

 

JAN

(quickly)

No, no, it’s fine.

(turns to ANGELA)

Hi, Angela.

 

ANGELA

Hello, Jan. It’s [beat] nice to see you again.

 

JAN

(smiles)

It’s nice to see you too.

 

The three women stand in awkward silence, alternating looks to one another and the camera for several seconds.

 

HOSTESS

(off-camera)

Martin, party of three?

 

JAN and PAM

(simultaneously)

Here.

 

The camera cuts to ANGELA, JAN, and PAM sitting at a table in the restaurant. ANGELA already has a plate of noodles and vegetables in front of her.

 

JAN

(said slightly wide-eyed and deliberately)

Uh, so [beat] Pam, do you want to go to the buffet?

 

PAM

(confused)

Um, sure.

 

The two women get up from the table, without any objection from ANGELA, and begin to walk to the buffet. As they do, the camera stays with them. As they walk to and navigate the buffet, they talk.

 

JAN

(under her breath)

Wow. I see what Michael meant now.

 

PAM

(still confused)

Oh?

 

JAN

I mean, I don’t know her that well, but I remember enough to know she’s usually not that bad [beat] she seems to be taking the breakup hard.

 

PAM

(stops putting food on her plate)

Angela?

 

JAN

(nods)

When Michael called me and told me about it, and you know, wanted me to

(nods and gestures with her free hand around the restaurant)

I said no at first, but apparently

(looks at camera then to PAM, and says softly)

she’s been crying at work? All the time? [beat] I just felt bad.

 

PAM

(said slowly)

Yeah….

 

JAN

Well, anyway

(shrugs)

she probably just needs a day out, maybe a little shopping [beat] some friends.

(smiles)

 

JAN walks away back to the table, leaving PAM alone at the buffet. The camera zooms in on her confused expression.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Great Wall Chinese Restaurant Buffet]

(still holding her buffet plate)

I [beat] don’t know what’s going on. I mean, I guess Dwight must have told Michael about him and Angela breaking up? And [beat] then he somehow outsmarted both of us?…

(looks down in thought for a second, and then back to the camera)

No, it’s gotta be [beat] something else.

(looks down in thought, again)

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

 

The camera is trained on the Conference Room. The song “Seek & Destroy” by Metallica can be heard loudly coming from the room. Meanwhile, through the window and blinds, we can see DWIGHT bobbing to the music while writing on a legal pad. The camera then cuts to show PHYLLIS, DWIGHT, and JIM’s desks.

 

PHYLLIS

(looking over at the Conference Room)

He’s an ass.

 

The camera pans over to see JIM nod in agreement at her comment, and ANDY at DWIGHT’s desk.

 

ANDY

Dammit! It’s password protected. Tuna, do you know it?

 

JIM

His password?

 

ANDY

Yes his password. This is life or death, alright?

 

JIM

Really?

 

ANDY

Yes. Okay, because, Angela has extra vacation days, and I want to be able to afford someplace nice when we go away [beat] like one of those rooms with the little bottles of champagne.

 

JIM

(frowns)

I don’t think she drinks, Andy.

 

ANDY

(stares at JIM intensely)

Well, she has to loosen up somehow.

 

Just as JIM is about to respond, we hear the music stop, and the Conference Room door open. The camera pans over to DWIGHT standing in the doorway, arms crossed.

 

DWIGHT

Let’s go.

 

He then turns around, and walks back in to the Conference Room without another word. At the same time, MICHAEL’s door opens, and he walks out.

 

MICHAEL

The music stopped, is freakazoid ready?

 

JIM

Yeah.

(looks over at PHYLLIS)

Ready?

 

PHYLLIS

I think so.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Conference Room

 

DWIGHT is sitting on the right side of the table, with his back to the wall. He has a legal pad in front of him. MICHAEL enters first, with his ‘Mediator’s Tool Chest’ under his arm. He places it on the table, and sits down at the head of it. Next is PHYLLIS, who comes in with nothing, and quietly takes a seat opposite DWIGHT, with her back to the window that looks out into the Main Office. After a pause of two to three seconds, where we see DWIGHT looking at PHYLLIS and then smiling at the camera, JIM walks in, carrying a legal pad as well.

 

DWIGHT

(stands up)

No! I said no Jim. I will not negotiate with him.

 

JIM

Whoa, Dwight. I’m not our negotiating representative.

(walks past PHYLLIS, and nods towards her)

Phyllis is.

 

DWIGHT

(sits back down)

Oh, really? Then what are you doing here?

 

JIM says nothing but takes his seat next to PHYLLIS, and looks at her, she looks back at him, and then to DWIGHT, who has trained his vision upon her.

 

PHYLLIS

Jim is my Assistant Negotiator.

 

DWIGHT

That’s stil-

 

JIM

(interrupting, with his hand raised)

Assistant to the Negotiator. So [beat] I’m not a negotiator, and I have no power. You know, unlike if I was the Assistant Negotiator.

(smiles at DWIGHT)

 

There is a second or two silence in which DWIGHT stares furiously at both PHYLLIS and JIM.

 

MICHAEL

(happily)

Alright! Let’s get started

(flips open book)

So there are different kinds of resolution, I think

(flips through it while talking)

five, or, uh, yeah. If I can just find the page…

 

DWIGHT

Michael, with your permission, I would like to read an opening statement.

(looks over at MICHAEL)

 

MICHAEL

Um, I’m not sure, if that’s part of the thing. Wait. Phyllis do you have one of those too?

 

PHYLLIS

(looks over at JIM)

Um, my assistant to me does?

 

JIM nods to PHYLLIS.

 

MICHAEL

Okay, separate but equal.

(looks at camera)

Good [beat] because it’s fair.

(looks at DWIGHT)

Yeah, go.

 

DWIGHT

(stand up with legal pad in hand)

I, Dwight K. Schrute, am the best salesman at Dunder-Mifflin. My sales are much larger than anyone else’s in the office.

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

That’s wha-- [beat]

(looks at camera)

dammit.

(lowers his head)

Continue.

 

DWIGHT

According to last year’s sales numbers, I am worth at least three Jim Halperts, and two Phyllis Vances.

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting and said confusedly)

Wait. Jim had better sales numbers than Phyllis does.

 

DWIGHT

I know. But, Phyllis is twice as big as Jim [beat] physically.

 

The camera shifts over to the PHYLLIS and JIM side of the table. We can see that PHYLLIS is embarrassed by what DWIGHT has said, and is looking solemnly at the table, while JIM is looking very annoyed at the camera, and then to DWIGHT. He stands up, with his legal pad.

 

JIM

Okay, my turn.

 

DWIGHT

No, Jim, I have

(shows page of writing on legal pad to camera)

seven paragraphs to go.

 

JIM

Yeah, no, I think [beat] we’re good.

 

DWIGHT

(turns to MICHAEL)

Michael, I—

 

MICHAEL

Okay, okay. Dwight, you had your chance to speak, now let Jim.

 

DWIGHT sits down, and crosses his arms.

 

JIM

(turns to MICHAEL)

Thank you, Michael.

 

MICHAEL

(smiles genuinely)

You’re welcome, Jim.

 

JIM

(stands up without legal pad, and begins to wander the room as he talks dramatically)

It is true, that Dwight K. Schrute is, mathematically, the top salesman in the office. But then, we must ask ourselves the question,

(looks at camera)

how is that possible?

 

As JIM turns and continues around the room, the camera shows a completely engaged MICHAEL following JIM’s every move, and an increasingly uncomfortable DWIGHT. It then zooms in slightly on JIM.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD [Break Room]

Uh, yeah, when I was in Stamford, I had [beat] some time on my hands. So I watched a lot of Law and Order. [beat] Like, a lot. [beat] It’s on all the time.

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

 

JIM (cont.)

(still walking around the room, but moving closer to DWIGHT)

In addition to stealing the Staples leads, and using them, Andy…

(the camera swings over to see ANDY standing very close to the Conference Room window in the Main Office, with his arms crossed, before it goes back to JIM)

will testify that Dwight K. Schrute, the alleged top salesman, did, in fact, attempt to blackmail him for access to his client list!

(pounds fist on table next to DWIGHT, who jumps at the same time)

 

DWIGHT

That is a lie!

 

JIM

Which part?

 

DWIGHT

Both parts!

 

JIM

(in mock-seriousness)

So, you didn’t steal Staples’ leads and use them?

 

DWIGHT

(looks shocked)

I-it [beat] wasn’t [beat] I don’t have to listen to this, I’m going back to my desk!

 

DWIGHT gets up, grabbing his legal pad, and strides purposefully out of the room.

 

MICHAEL

Dwight!

 

DWIGHT closes the door behind him with a loud slam.

 

MICHAEL (cont.)

(looks at camera glumly, but then quickly changes to excitement)

I wonder if…

(begins looking through book, again)

there is a lose-lose-win one of these.

(looks back up at camera).

 

END OF ACT TWO

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT THREE

 

 

INT. Main Office, DWIGHT’s Desk

The Act opens up with a tight shot of DWIGHT at his desk. He is concentrating fully on his work, and is on the phone. After a second or two, the camera zooms out to show that he is the only person in the Sales section of the Main Office.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

The Break Room is filled with the other members of the Dunder-Mifflin Sales team, and several other employees. PHYLLIS and STANLEY are sitting together at a table. To their right are CREED and JIM, who are sitting at a separate table. ANDY is standing leaned up against the drink machine anxiously, and KELLY is sitting by herself at a table eating a salad.

 

ANDY

(fidgety)

Alright [beat] what if we light his car on fire?

 

There is a general shocked reaction at ANDY’s words in the Break Room.

 

JIM

Um, I don’t think we need anything that extreme.

 

ANDY

Yeah, but it would get him away from his desk.

 

JIM

True, but—

 

CREED

(interrupting)

Look, Bernerd, if you want this guy taken care of…

(conspiratorially)

just slip a little something in his coffee.

(gives ANDY an understanding glance and head nod)

 

ANDY

(looks at CREED thoughtfully)

But he only drinks water.

 

CREED

Is it clear?

 

JIM

(looks at camera curiously, and then to CREED)

The water?

 

CREED

(looks over to JIM)

Yeah.

 

ANDY

(slightly confusedly)

It’s water.

 

CREED

(leans back in his chair in thought)

Okay, clear [beat] hmmm, I would go with Lysergic acid diethylamide.[beat] I have some in my desk, but it’s gonna cost some pesos.

 

JIM

(waving his hand dismissively)

Ok, no. I don’t [beat] let’s not poison Dwight with whatever that is, or

(sighs)

light his car on fire. Um—

 

Both CREED and ANDY react negatively to JIM’s words.

 

PHYLLIS

(interrupting)

But even if we can get him away from his desk, we still don’t know his password.

 

There is a silence as everyone (except KELLY who continues to eat) ponders the obstacle.

 

JIM

I’ll call Pam, she’s with Angela. [beat] So, maybe uh, Pam will know it.

 

There is a collective nodding and agreement about JIM’s plan.

 

STANLEY

We still need a way to get him off that thing [beat]

(looks over at ANDY)

that isn’t crazy.

 

ANDY

(exasperatedly)

I’m sure he has car insurance.

 

KELLY

(interrupting)

What are you guys talking about?

 

Everyone turns to look at KELLY who is still eating, but now looking on with some interest at the proceedings.

 

JIM

Uh, well Dwight’s computer is the only computer that isn’t crashed, and we all need it to make sales calls.

 

KELLY

Oh [beat] so what, you need him, like distracted or something?

 

JIM

(slightly annoyed)

Yeah.

 

Everyone turns back to continue their conversation and planning. While they do, we see that Kelly reaches beneath the table and takes out her cell phone, opens it, and presses a button.

 

PHYLLIS

What about if we pulled the fire alarm?

 

JIM looks at the camera despondently.

 

JIM

Yeah [beat] I don’t think…

 

KELLY

(interrupting and talking into her phone)

Hey sweetie. Can you do me a favor?

(listens to the phone)

Yeah. Can you call Dwight and tell him there is, like, a problem with a shipment or something and you need his help?

 

The camera zooms out a little to see the shocked reactions of the Sales team.

 

KELLY (cont.)

(listens to phone)

Thanks.

(smiles)

I’ll see you later. Okay, bye.

(closes phone and looks over at everyone, who are already looking at her in stunned silence)

 

KELLY (cont.)

What? [beat] Dwight is gross.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office, DWIGHT’s Desk

The scene is much the same as opened the Act, however this time after a second or two, the phone rings. DWIGHT immediately answers it. As he does, the camera zooms out slightly, and we can see JIM, PHYLLIS, STANLEY, and ANDY attempting to walk covertly back into the office in the background.

 

DWIGHT

(into the phone)

Dunder-Mifflin, Dwight K. Schrute.

(listens into phone)

What?

(seriously and slightly panicked)

How did this happen?! No. I’ll be right down!

 

Without another word, DWIGHT taps quickly on his keyboard, gets up from his desk, and attempts to walk as fast as he can (without running) out of the office. The camera pans to watch this, but then swings back to the Sales team, who are also watching DWIGHT, and hurry to his computer as soon as he leaves. ANDY sits down at DWIGHT’s desk, PHYLLIS and STANLEY stand close by, and JIM sits at his desk. He picks up the phone and dials PAM.

 

JIM

Pam? Hey, uh, I need your help.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

PAM is standing at the buffet, with her plate sat down on it, and the phone to her ear. Throughout her conversation with JIM, the scene will toggle back and forth between the two of them. “CUT TOs” are assumed.

 

PAM

Jim? What [beat] with what?

 

JIM

Do you know Dwight’s computer password [beat] or…

(looks over at DWIGHT’s computer where the other three members of the sales team are looking at him expectantly. He continues in a slightly lower voice)

know someone who might?

 

PAM

I thought you knew it. Wasn’t it like something to do with Lord of the Rings? I mean, you’re the expert on that.

(smiles)

 

JIM

(smirks into phone)

Yeah, okay, but what about now?

(turns in his chair to look towards the entrance to Dunder-Mifflin)

I don’t know how much time we have.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Warehouse, DARRYL’s Office

DARRYL is sitting in his office eating a roast beef sandwich, chicken wings, and watching television. From out of frame, DWIGHT runs into focus, and stops in front of DARRYL breathlessly.

 

DWIGHT

What’s the problem?

 

DARRYL

(looks away from the T.V. and to DWIGHT, while continuing to eat a chicken wing)

Yeah [beat] one of your orders got messed up.

 

DWIGHT

(hurriedly)

You already said that. What’s the problem specifically?

 

DARRYL

Yeah, well, the shipping number, that, uh, you put in the system was incorrect.

 

DWIGHT

Impossible. [beat] What buyer?

 

DARRYL

Oh. Uh, it was, um, for Frobisher and Jones.

 

DWIGHT

(narrows his eyes intensely)

That’s Phyllis’. [beat] Did Jim call you?

 

DARRYL

(takes a bite of his roast beef sandwich casually)

No, Jim didn’t.

 

DWIGHT

Then someone did?

 

DARRYL

(stops mid-chew)

Uh…

 

Without another word, DWIGHT takes off, and the camera follows him out of DARRYL’s office enough to see him running back up the stairs. It then swings back to DARRYL.

 

DARRYL (cont.)

I should probably call Jim.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office.

The scene is the same as before. JIM remains on the phone, while ANDY is hunched over DWIGHT’s keyboard. STANLEY and PHYLLIS hover over him expectantly.

 

ANDY

(frustrated)

No, ‘goldenhair’ didn’t work.

 

JIM

(frowns into phone, and then speaks into it)

No, didn’t work.

 

Just as JIM is about to speak again, we see DWIGHT stride back into the office. As he does, everyone scrambles to react. ANDY leaps out of the chair, and back to his own. PHYLLIS turns around and sits at her own desk, and STANLEY pretends to look at something on DWIGHT’s desk (as he is not about to move quickly)

 

DWIGHT

(stops in front of Reception and points)

I knew it! I know what you did!

 

JIM

(still on the phone)

Uh [beat] I don’t know what you mean.

 

DWIGHT

I saw you [beat] all of you.

(walks quickly over to his desk and computer and sits down while continuing to glare at the other salespeople)

My password is uncrackable. You’ll never guess it.

 

JIM

(looks over at DWIGHT questioningly)

Um, don’t know what you’re talking about [beat]

(into the phone)

No. He’s [beat] yeah.

(smiles)

Well ‘blondiesundae’ is funny.

 

DWIGHT looks over at him intensely.

 

JIM (cont.)

Yeah, I gotta go. Bring me some egg rolls.

(hangs up phone)

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

PAM is where she was before, at the buffet and on the phone.

 

PAM

(smiling)

I will, see you.

(hangs up phone and puts it in her pocket)

 

PAM grabs her plate, and the camera follows her as she walks back to the table, where JAN and ANGELA are both sitting quietly. They each look at PAM and the camera when she sits down.

 

JAN

So [beat] I was telling Angela that Sephora has finally opened a store in the Mall. I think we should go. Might be fun.

 

ANGELA looks over at PAM disdainfully. PAM notices, but refuses to meet her glance.

 

PAM

Oh. [beat] Yeah, that could be.

 

JAN

Its just, when I lived in New York and was feeling, you know, I’d go to Madison Avenue. So [beat] this is kind of the same.

(inhales deeply)

 

ANGELA

Well, I buy my makeup from Sears. And I don’t use much.

JAN

(doesn’t notice ANGELA’s tone)

Oh sure, but trying something new might make you feel better.

(smiles)

 

ANGELA

Excuse me?

 

JAN

Look, Angela, we’ve all had bad breakups. God, I mean, I’m divorced. But [beat] if you put yourself out there, you can find a guy.

 

PAM is visibly uncomfortable at this point, and is playing with the food on her plate and not moving her gaze from the table. ANGELA is frozen, but is staring at JAN, who is still looking congenially at both PAM and ANGELA.

 

ANGELA

(turning slowly in her chair to face PAM, and said in a low voice)

Pam. Can I please talk to you privately for a moment?

 

PAM

(still looking at the table, but now nodding resignedly)

Yeah…

 

The camera cuts to PAM and ANGELA standing near the door to the Women’s Bathroom talking. It is seen through a long zoom from the middle of the restaurant.

 

ANGELA

(angrily)

What did you tell her?!

 

PAM

(defensively)

I didn’t tell her anything. I think Dwight must have told Michael about you guys.

 

ANGELA

(sighs deeply)

I don’t [beat] what do you do with a man who just doesn’t understand no?

 

PAM

(thoughtfully)

Well, with Roy—

 

ANGELA

(interrupting, and speaking to herself)

Well, I know what you’d do. Start dating the nearest person to you. But..

 

PAM

(interrupting annoyed)

Hey. [beat]

(accusatorily)

You did the same thing. You’re dating Andy.

(defensively)

And it’s not like that anyways.

 

There is a brief pause between the two women. ANGELA remains flustered, but PAM goes from annoyed to thoughtful, as though she’s just figured something out.

 

ANGELA

(not noticing the shift in PAM)

Andy and I are different. We’re discreet.

 

PAM

Yeah, but…

(stops and looks over at the table where JAN is eating by herself)

everyone knows.

 

ANGELA

(to PAM, who is no longer paying attention)

Well, we had to sign an HR contract, if that’s what you mean.

 

PAM

No [beat] it’s not….

(begins walking back to the table)

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

 

ANDY and KEVIN are sitting at a table together. ANDY has his cell phone out.

 

ANDY

(to camera)

It is time for Plan C. Or, actually, Plan A [beat] for Andy.

 

KEVIN

(nodding agreeably)

Are you going to light his car on fire?

 

ANDY

(looking over to KEVIN)

No, Jim won’t let me. But, I still have an awesome idea. It’s foolproof.

(punches a phone number into his cell, and smiles as he brings it to his ear.)

KEVIN

Are you calling the fire department?

 

ANDY looks over at KEVIN confusedly.

 

ANDY

(into phone)

Hello, is this Mose Schrute?

(listens to phone)

Yes, this is [beat] Rufus Shandy with the Lackawanna County Sanitation Department.

(smiles at camera)

 

KEVIN

Jackpot.

(smiles)

 

 

 

CUT TO: Main Office. JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks

 

JIM and DWIGHT are both sitting at their respective desks. DWIGHT is typing on his computer diligently. JIM is throwing sharpened pencils at the ceiling.

 

JIM

(stops throwing and looks over at DWIGHT)

Is it [beat] ‘I-love-gandalf-xoxo’?

 

DWIGHT

(annoyed)

No.

 

JIM

Hmmm. How about ‘care-bear-storm-cloud’?

 

DWIGHT

No. And stop asking me what my password is.

(looks at camera)

 

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I learned my lesson before when Jim guessed my password. Now, I’ve made sure it has nothing to do with science fiction or fantasy. [beat] It wasn’t easy. There are a lot of options from Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, Farscape, The X-Files, Doctor Who, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, The Lord of the Rings, Firefly, Lost, and [beat] obviously Xena: Warrior Princess.

(smugly)

They’re never going to figure it out.

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

 

DWIGHT’s phone rings, and he quickly answers it. In the background we see ANDY, who is sitting at his desk, turn discreetly to eavesdrop on the conversation.

 

DWIGHT

(to phone)

Dunder-Mifflin, Dwight K. [beat] Mose?

(listens to phone)

Wha-calm down! What are you doing calling me at work?

 

The camera pans over to see JIM who is looking at DWIGHT with confusion. He then looks over at the rest of the office, and fixes his gaze upon ANDY. The camera pans over to show ANDY smiling and giving JIM a thumbs-up. It then moves to DWIGHT who is listening to his phone.

 

DWIGHT

(into phone)

What sanitation code? One-five-nine-four-dash-eleven? Hold on.

 

DWIGHT puts the phone on speakerphone, and reaches into one of his desk drawers.

 

MOSE

(all dialogue on speakerphone)

Is she there?

 

DWIGHT

(still rifling through his drawer and responded to absent-mindedly)

Who?

 

MOSE

Pamela. I liked her. She looked soft.

 

The camera pans over to JIM, who is looking very surprised at the phone, and then up to the camera.

 

DWIGHT

(finally pulls a volume out of the drawer and puts on his desk)

No she’s out with Angela.

(opens and begins rifling through it, searching for something)

 

MOSE

Monkey?

 

DWIGHT

(stops flipping and looks at camera worriedly for a split-second)

No, Mose [beat] there aren’t any monkeys in Scranton, remember? No more talking about them.

(arrives on a page, and flips back and forth between it for a second)

There’s no code with that number [beat] not even close.

(angrily)

You are sleeping under the porch if you are lying to me about this, Mose!

 

MOSE
I’m not! Rufus Shandy called! He said we’d be condemned!

 

DWIGHT

(stops and squints his eyes in thought)

There is no Rufus Shandy in the Sanitation Department.

(looks over at JIM)

Did you do this?

 

JIM

(puts his hands up defensively)

I’ve been at my desk.

DWIGHT spins in his chair to face STANLEY, PHYLLIS, and ANDY.

 

DWIGHT

(addressing the three)

Whichever one of you did this, you failed. You can’t outsmart a Schrute!

 

MOSE

(interrupting worriedly)

Where are we going to poop?!

 

Quickly, DWIGHT spins back around, and turns the speakerphone off.

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Great Wall Chinese Restaurant

ANGELA, PAM, and JAN are all sitting back at the table, eating quietly.

 

PAM

So, Jan, how do you like living in Scranton?

 

JAN

Oh, well it’s not New York. But, uh, it’s nice.

(smiles)

 

PAM

Yeah, I bet New York is really great.

(smiles)

 

JAN

Yeah, it is. But [beat] Scranton is a fresh start, you know? No glass ceiling, not as much pressure, no enemies or anything.

(stops and looks at ANGELA)

Oh. Um, I mean [beat] I didn’t mean…

 

ANGELA
(matter-of-factly to JAN)

I don’t know what you think…

 

PAM

(interrupting)

Yeah, speaking of enemies, uh, Angela’s ex was a

(tries to think of a proper description)

um, bad guy.

 

ANGELA looks over at her angrily, but PAM looks back to her with an overly sympathetic face.

 

JAN

(nods)

Yeah, that’s what Michael told me. Guys can be such bastards, especially ones like your ex, Angela.

 

ANGELA continues to look generally pissed, but doesn’t say anything.

 

PAM

Yeah [beat] exactly.

(mimics)

Ones like your ex.

(nods her head)

Did Michael tell you how he broke up with her?

 

JAN

(interested)

No, he didn’t. He just said that he traveled a lot, you know, because of the schedule.

 

At JAN’s words, ANGELA goes from angry to confused, while the camera picks up the traces of a smile on PAM’s lips.

 

PAM

Yeah, I guess his schedule was crazy [beat] but I mean, that’s no excuse.

 

JAN

Yeah, if a guy likes you, he’ll make time. Plus, they’ve got an off-season, right?

 

ANGELA
What?

 

JAN

An off-season, you know, when they don’t play. They can’t play hockey year-round [beat] I don’t think. Plus, how many games can the

(says it mockingly)

Wilkes-Barre Penguins have? Right?

 

At this revelation, PAM begins to smile, though she is trying to contain it, while ANGELA is visibly upset.

 

ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

(indignant)

It was humiliating! I’m not some cheerleader tramp or hussy. I am involved with Andrew Bernard [beat] that is all. I have never been involved with anyone else in this office, or in this town, or on any professional sports team.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I knew it! I did!

(smiles)

Yeah, I guess Michael didn’t tell Jan the real reason why he wanted her to meet us for lunch, so he made one up. [beat] Um, which was apparently that Angela had just broken up with a Penguins hockey player. I, uh…

(chuckles to herself and looks at the camera)

would not be surprised if the sequel to ‘Threat Level Midnight’ somehow involves an ice rink.

(becomes serious)

Uh, but, yeah, to answer your question [beat] it was really awkward, and I do feel bad for Jan. I guess [beat] I'm just not surprised.

 

CUT BACK TO SCENE

JAN (cont.)

Are you okay Angela?

 

ANGELA

(angrily)

No. I am not ‘okay’. The only reason I’m here is a favor to you! Because Michael said that you were lonely, and desperate! I can’t believe [beat] I didn’t break up with anybody! [beat] And even if I did, it’s nobody’s business!

 

For the majority of ANGELA’s outburst, PAM returns to looking wide-eyed at the table, but she steals occasional quick glances at the camera. Meanwhile, JAN goes from confused, to angry.

 

PAM

(to both JAN and ANGELA)

Okay, look, it was just a misunderstanding. Let’s just [beat] forget about it, and, uh, go to Sephora [beat] in the Mall.

 

However, JAN is already reaching into her purse, and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill. She throws it on the table and gets up quickly and stalks out of the restaurant. The camera follows her as she goes out, and we see her fish her cell phone from her bag, and make a call. However she is through the doors before we can hear what she says. However….

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Chuck E. Cheese Play Room, Skee-Ball Lanes

MICHAEL is demonstrating his Skee-Ball technique to a six-year old girl, who is watching with great attention. As he does he turns and smiles to the camera. We see him bowl expertly, and his ball goes in the innermost ring. Just as he is about to reach down for the next ball, we hear his phone ring. His ring tone is ‘Black Horse and Cherry Tree’ by K.T. Tunstall. He picks it up.

 

MICHAEL

(into phone)

Hello

(his reaction changes from happy to scared as he listens to the phone)

Oh.

(looks at camera)

I’ve got to take this.

 

MICHAEL scrambles out of the frame.

 

END OF ACT THREE

 

 

TAG

 

 

INT. Main Office

It’s the end of the day again. However this time, we see JIM and PAM leave together, along with everyone else in the office, except CREED. After everyone else is gone, the camera switches to a view of the office from the Conference Room, through the blinds. We see CREED reach underneath his desk and take out an afghan. He wraps it around himself, and walks over to DWIGHT’s computer where he sits down. The camera zooms in as he types ‘lovemonkey’ and presses Enter. The desktop comes on, and CREED leans back in the chair and begins a game of Spider Solitaire.

 

 

END OF EPISODE