My heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. The gentleman’s mouth was moving and he was talking to me, but I didn’t hear anything. All my senses had stopped working and I was left there on the couch in a heap of numb flesh.

Even though the sound of my blood pulsating in my veins was the most soothing sound at that moment in time, I loathed it. I didn’t want to hear it. It was the only thing that was keeping me going, and yet, it was the very thing that Jim lacked. If he didn’t have a heartbeat, I didn’t want one either.

The officer stood and knelt near me. I didn’t even feel the weight of his palm on my knee until I looked down. He was still speaking to me and I had a hard time trying to follow. I could see the sadness on his face but all I could think about was his hand on my knee. Had it been one of the hands that tried to save my husband’s lifeless body?

Finally, Tucker’s bark pierced through my haze. I stood quickly, trying to make my way to the back door to soothe him. My legs gave out and the gentleman offered his hand as I caught myself on the bookshelf. When I refused his hand, I stood upright on my own and focused on the back door again.

With my breathing labored, I finally managed to stumble to the glass door and push past it, gasping for fresh air. I nearly collapsed as Tucker jumped towards me. The officer again caught me as I finally gave in and let my mind slip into blackness.

The next few minutes were hard for me to remember. The officer said I blacked out and when I woke again, he said I began to ramble; not cry. No tears of mine were shed that day. I don’t remember those moments and hope to never fully regain that information. It was too painful then and I fear it would still bare the weight of that pain even today.

Everything from that moment on was a blur. But over the years, I’ve learned about what happened in those earth shattering moments. Family have told me. Friends that heard stories even told me things I didn’t know. So, I’ve come to learn what I was like in the worst time of my life.

The first thing I did was compose myself. The officer left my home when he saw that I was okay. He advised me to call family or friends to lean upon and then make a trip up to the hospital where his body was. I didn’t want to do either of those things.

It got to a point in the day when I was tired of the silence and had to do something. I turned on the radio in the living room and it blared one of his CD’s that he always enjoyed listening to. In the state that I was in, I didn’t like the music or the thought of it still in the CD player. So, I threw a lamp at it.

It stopped.

I knew I was unstable. I had to call someone to help me take the weight of pain away. His mother was the first I had to break the news to. I picked up the phone and dialed, dreading her voice on the other end. Why couldn’t I just leave a simple voicemail?

She picked up on the fourth ring. She sounded excited to hear from me. I hated what I had to do but I did it. I said what I needed to say quickly.

“Helen, Jim died. I need you to meet me at the St. John’s hospital in an hour.”

Then, I hung up.

I do remember heading towards my car with my keys clenched in my hands. As I moved slowly and cautiously I heard the phone ringing in the house. I didn’t go back in, but I continued towards the sedan that we had bought three years after we married. I probably shouldn’t have been driving at that time, but had other stops to make before going to the hospital. I had to break the news to two other people and I had no idea how to do such a thing.

I pulled up to the brick building and paced myself before finding the large blue doors. I knew I didn’t look sane at that moment and was probably scary to some. Honestly, I was running on pure shock and only had so much time before I gave up. I had to get this over with quickly, just like I did with his mother.

The receptionist took my name and I waited in the small office. It was one of the longest waits I’ve ever had to endure. Sitting there, with people that didn’t know me, looking on as my pale face grew paler. I wanted to run out, but had to stay and wait. I had people that needed to know of his death. They were important too.

“Mrs. Halpert?” said a redhead woman from behind the counter. I looked over, not saying anything.

“I believe Addison and Jake are waiting outside the door there,” she said, pointing past the glass window.

When I saw them, I immediately turned my head away from their vicinity and nodded at the kind lady. I then stood slowly, like I was in physical pain, and held tight to my purse. As I pushed past the office door, I had two sets of eyes on me, with worry written upon their faces.

 I couldn’t look at them. Their faces were contorted in ways I’d never seen before when I told them of the bad news. Tears poured from their eyes and yet mine where still dry as a bone, not releasing the pain I was feeling.

I felt Addison grab hold to my coat and hang on tight. I couldn’t even bring my arms up to comfort her fairly tall frame. I was ashamed with my behavior but didn’t know how to handle death. I never had to bury anyone before.

The phone in my purse rang and I ignored it. The sound of Jake’s cries as he leaned against the wall penetrated my mind. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards the exit, ready to take the journey to the hospital. Addison wiped her eyes and followed, grabbing Jake’s other shoulder to comfort him.

The ride was silent except for the sniffles from the back seat. Addison had Jake’s head resting in her lap as she stroked his light brown locks.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I spotted Helen’s Lincoln parked close to the front door. I cringed inside knowing I had to face his mother and be there with her we as mourned. I unbuckled my seatbelt slowly and stared at my shaking hands as I opened my door.

Addison was standing on the other side of the car, Jake’s hand in hers, his head hung low as he hiccupped from crying.

“Mom?” she asked, her voice almost cooing. I looked up quickly at my 14 year old daughter and back down quickly to the keys in my hands.

“Yeah?” I replied back, breathlessly.

“Do we have to go in?” she asked, her face flushed and stained with her own tears.

“Not if you don’t want to,” I answered back, trying to avoid staring at them. It was too painful to see their faces. They resembled him too much.

“I want to go…” Jake said, his head shooting upward. Addison shot him a look of shock. After all, she was the older sibling. She was supposed to be the one to be strong one and lead her little brother in the right direction. Tears began to pour from her eyes again as she nodded at him and took her first step towards the hospital doors.

I was two steps behind them as the doors slid open to reveal people waiting in chairs. Helen was the first to spot us. She jumped from her seat and held her arms open so Jake and Addison could find solace there. They did, leaving me to stand alone.

I could feel something in the pit of my stomach start to crack and break. I didn’t want it to happen in the middle of the hospital waiting room. I wanted to surpass the broken phase and go straight to the healing part. Regardless of the feeling, it subsided as I saw the officer from earlier enter the room with a doctor.

I locked eyes with the doctor and he was the first to break the contact. It was like it was harder for him to tell me what went wrong than for me to hear it. He walked towards us and greeted us the best way he could.

“Mrs. Halpert, I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, slipping a clip board under his arm. Addison and Jake sobbed again, waking the feeling in the pit of my stomach again. I started to feel the tears form on my eyelids but when the doctor spoke, all feelings was lost.

“Would you mind coming back with me? I’ve got a few things we need to go over this afternoon.”

I nodded and turned to Helen, who insisted they all wait in the waiting room. Yet again, I was left alone.

As I sat on a rolling stool in the middle of an exam room, I felt chill bumps crawl up my spine. Was he behind that curtain? Did his body lie here a few moments ago while they declared him dead? I couldn’t hack the feeling that he had been in the very spot before.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry for your loss,” the doctor said, taking a seat on another stool next to me.

I choked out a few unintelligible words. “What happened?”

He stopped and then looked up at the officer standing behind him. The officer that had visited me spoke next, telling me the story of how Jim had passed away.

“Mrs. Halpert…”

“Pam,” I corrected. I hated that they were using my last name. Why did they have to rub it in?

“Pam…Today at approximately 9:06 a.m. I came upon the jogging trail in Lowery Park. A few minutes later, I discovered your husband lying on the trail, face down.”

I began to feel faint but kept my head up, trying to take in as much information as I could.

“I discovered he had had a heart attack while jogging and just….just…” the office tried to finish. I knew he couldn’t finish the story, so I helped him.

“Died?”

The officer nodded, obviously moved and upset. “I tried resuscitation but he was already gone, Ma’am. There was no one around for miles. No one would have heard him if he had time to call out.”

I nodded, breathing deeply.

The doctor spoke next, confirming what the officer had said. “When Mr. Halpert arrived here by ambulance, the paramedics had already called time of death. We did an examination and confirmed that it was indeed a heart attack. I didn’t see any signs of any other type of organ failure. So, we know that he went….quickly.”

I stared into their eyes for a few more moments as I thought of Jim jogging down a path in the park four blocks from our home. I concocted my own story of what happened and tried to forget those images.

“Were you aware he jogged on that path at that time of day?” the officer asked.

I nodded. “He always went to work for a few hours, then jogged when he had free time, then went back into work. Some days he didn’t have time.”

Then, a young nurse came in, ranting about an emergency with one of the doctors patients. The doctor stood abruptly, then walked to the door.

“I think we’re all done here. The nurse at the front desk as some papers for you and if you’d like, you can request to go back and see him. And, if you know the name of the funeral home you’d like to use, please let the nurse know,” she doctor said, stepping out of the room.

The officer stood there with his hands in his pockets. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

All I could do was look at him. When I finally pulled my eyes away from him, I stood and reached for the door handle. The chill bumps were gone by then, so I made no scene of waiting in the room any longer.

I remember walking down the stark hallway towards my children and the other family that had gathered there. Their faces were sullen and worn, and I had no way of explaining the situation to them. So, my first stop wasn’t to them, it was to the nurses desk where she had a folder of documents for me to look at. I opened the folder as she told me what needed to be signed and filled out.

When I had flipped to the last page, she posed the question that I didn’t want to hear. “Would you like to go back and see him before he‘s taken to the funeral home?”

“No.”

“Does anyone else in the family want to?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning away from me slightly.

“No.”

“Would you like me to ask them?”

“Yes, please,” I managed.

I signed the last form as I saw the nurse escort Helen, Jim’s brother Jonathan, and Jim’s father Kent, and Jake towards the swinging doors. Addison stayed behind, a look of confusion plaguing her features. Before I could manage to speak to her, she had taken off towards the swinging doors. I was left there, standing at the nurses station alone.

The nurse returned, ready to take the folder of papers from me. When she did, I didn’t know what to do. So, I told her to relay the message to Helen and Kent that I was going home and they could bring the kids home when they were ready to.

From the hospital, I drove the long drive home, parked the car, walked into the house and found our bed. I didn’t intend ever leaving that spot again.

About two hours later, I heard faint footsteps in the living room below me. I couldn’t move or call out to anyone. I just listened, trying to make out the sounds from the people in my house. I heard Jake holler for Addison and then Helen spoke too. The next thing I remember was shutting my eyes tight as I heard feet climbing the stairs and then towards my bedroom door.

The door creaked open after a brisk knock, letting a sliver of light cascade on the sheets and dresser. I didn’t move an inch, hoping that whoever it was would leave.

“Mom?” Addison asked. “Are you awake?”

I didn’t answer, for fear I would have to go down stairs and face my family.

As the door closed, I heard Addison yell down the stairs to Jim’s parents that I was sleeping. I was grateful that no one second guessed her and left me be. I was in no mood to explain or talk.

A few minutes after I drifted into a lousy sleep, I heard more people enter the house, clanging and causing a raucous. Immediately I felt nervous about how many people actually knew that I was a widow now and that my children would grow up without a father. The thought plagued me as I listened closely for the visitor’s voices.

Through the floorboards, I heard a familiar voice that shook me to the core. It wasn’t quit as subtle as Jim’s, but delivered the same inflection as his. The only person I knew that had the same vocal quality as Jim’s was Jim’s brother, Jonathan. I pictured the kids leaning on him for support during this time, since they were close with him and since he was most like their father.

Yet again, I didn’t move from my spot in the middle of the oversized bed. My limbs were rubber-like and had no feeling in them. It was like my body was telling them to shut down and stay still. Because I knew I couldn’t hold up, I stayed there, waiting for something to motivate me to move. Nothing I could think of motivated me. So, there I lay.

Just then, another knock rapped at my bedroom door, startling me. I didn’t answer in hopes the person would leave. The door creaked open and from the corner of my eye I could see Jonathan’s head poke in. He whispered my name, and I suddenly felt that rock in my stomach start to crumble. His voice made me feel Jim all over again.

When he stepped into the room, I sucked my emotion up; not wanting to seem like a blubbering lunatic in front of my brother-in-law. He came closer, leaned over my bed and looked down at me. I kept my eyes shut, hoping to fend off any questions he might have.

“Pam, I know you’re awake,” he said in a soft tone.

I didn’t answer back.

“Everyone’s concerned. Please come down and assure everyone that you’re okay,” he pleaded. When I didn’t move or speak, he sighed and trudged back to the door, opened it slowly, looked back once and shut it. I sighed too, knowing I was clear for another few minutes.

The truth was that I wasn’t okay. I was far from it.

Hours later, I was still in the same spot I was in when I hit the bed. I didn’t even have the motivation to roll over or wipe the hair out of my eyes. It was almost like I was on my own deathbed, of sorts.

The thing about lying in my bed was the fact that I didn’t have to confront people or feelings I wasn’t ready to confront yet. It was my own fortress of solitude, comforting me and allowing me to just be.

As the night grew darker, I heard more and more people enter my house, talking loudly, giving comforting words, sharing stories of the past, and I heard some tears also. Then, I heard it; laughter.

And, it irritated me. I wasn’t just irritated, I was fuming mad.

Who had the right to laugh on the day my husband died? No one, that’s who. I clenched my fists tight, feeling a surge of rage and anger pass through my veins. At that point, I felt the lack of motivation leave my body. I began to sit up in the bed but as I did, I caught a glimpse of a pair of Jim’s sneakers lying on the floor by the bathroom door. I stopped immediately and fell back onto the bed.

It was then that I realized that this was going to be hard to get used to.

“Mom, we’re going to bed. Grandma and Grandpa are staying in the spare bedroom, and Uncle Jon and Claire are sleeping in Addison’s room. I think Larissa is staying on the couch….just thought you should know….,” Jake said as he stood outside my door and spoke through the crack in the door.

He waited for a response but I didn’t give in. He closed the gap between the door and the jamb and I heard his feet shuffle to his room, where him and Addison were sleeping for the night.

I had a house full of people-not just people-family-and I hadn’t even made an appearance. I knew at one point they would all be knocking at the door and pulling me from my haven. I dreaded it, and hoped it could wait for at least a few more days. ‘Days’ sounded like a decent recoup time

I saw a flash of lights under the door and then the house was quiet. Finally, I sighed.

Many thoughts ran through my mind as I lay there, not being able to sleep. I suddenly started thinking about the day I got married, and the day we moved into our beautiful two-story house, and the day I told Jim I was pregnant with Addison. Memories flooded my soul and when I thought I was done reliving the past, more memories came up.

Like, the time Jim and I went fishing just because neither of us had been in a long time. We made a whole day of it. I even bought us fisherman vests with the lures and bait already attached to them. I remembered his grin and chuckle when I pulled them from the bag and threw it at him. He slipped it on with a smile and handed me my pole.

Other memories, like our first Christmas in the new house came creeping up. We were broke and young but life was good. He pulled the Christmas tree from the attic and dusted it off. It was twenty years old by the time we had acquired it but we put it up anyways. He lovingly referred to it as the Charlie Brown tree. There weren’t many presents under the tree that year, but we had all we needed; each other.

As thoughts came flooding back, my door thrust open and jarred me from my place. I jumped and calmly pretended I was asleep again. The figure came in quickly and shut the door quietly. I instantly knew it was Jonathan by the way he sauntered over to the edge of my bed and sat down.

“I’m not even sure if you’re awake, but I need someone to talk to…and I know you need someone to talk to too. So….” he started, sighing and pausing whenever he felt like it.

“This isn’t fair, Pam. My brother was….one of a kind. Why did he have to die the way he did, when he did? I don’t understand that,” he said, emotion showing in his tone of voice. I could feel my own emotion creeping up again. “I know these things are planned…you know, by a greater being and all…but why? Why does it have to be so hard and cruel?”

I wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder. I wanted to remain silent and let him have his time to vent.

He let out a soft chuckle before speaking again. “You know, whenever he knew you were the one, he told me during a game of basketball at the gym. All he said was that he met a great girl that he wanted to marry one day. Then, he told me you were engaged at the time and I told him he was crazy. You know what, Pam? I actually told him to move on. How ridiculous is that? I mean, he was so positive about something and I was telling him to second-guess that. I was so stupid back then,” he said, bringing back the aching feeling in my core.

He continued. “I wish I could be more like him. He was carefree and downright fun. I don’t understand how someone that was raised in the household we were raised in could turn out like that,” he said, shifting on the bed slightly. “It was a miracle, really,” he said and chuckled again.

He stopped speaking for a split second of time and I felt his eyes on my worn face. He sniffled and shifted again. Then, he stood. Deep down I wanted him to stay a little bit longer.

“The thing is Pam, is that yes, you lost something great. And despite losing that, you’re still luckier than most people. You’re kids were raised by an awesome father. You had a wonderful husband that loved you more than anything. Not even an engagement ring or a pending wedding could keep him from you.”

My gut was twisting in knots as my breathing got heavier.

He stepped towards the door. “You had almost twenty great years with him. Just be thankful you had that much time…” he finally stated before slipping out the door and into the dark hallway.

As soon as the door was closed, I sat upright and gasped for air. And, for the first time since I heard my love was gone, I cried.

When I finally broke, I broke completely. The tears that were shed were coming from somewhere I didn’t quite understand. They kept flowing and falling from my bloodshot eyes. I couldn’t control the sobs wracking my body. I shook. I heaved. I convulsed at points. It was the hardest tears I’ve ever had to shed.

The longer I cried, the louder my sobs got. I knew if I kept mourning at the rate I was, I would wake the entire house and cause attention to myself. I tried to calm myself down but there was no stopping the sobs. They were coming whether I wanted them to or not.

My lungs felt like they were going to burst. It felt like I was drowning inside. I gasped for air several times before feeling relief. The sobs came in stronger and stronger waves as I sat there with my face in my hands.

In that moment, I prayed. It was out loud and unintelligible. I just kept asking for some comfort, some peace, and some sign that everything was going to be okay. I knew it wasn’t going to happen like magic but I so wanted it to. I didn’t want to be bare and open like this any longer. I wanted to suck it up and be the strong mother and wife I was supposed to be at a time like that. Regardless, the pain didn’t subside in that instant.

My chest was heaving so hard it hurt. My lungs were beating on my ribcage. I knew if I continued to go without air, I was going to pass out. I continued to try and suppress the tears but nothing seemed to help me calm down.

The creak of my door made my head whip around quickly. My hand instantly clenched the front of my own shirt and knotted it. I screamed at the poor soul that interrupted me. I don’t remember the words that came from my mouth but I belted them so loud my throat instantly went raw.

When I was finished ranting, I caught a glimpse of his hazel-green eyes as he turned quickly and fled from my site.

I collected myself when I realized I had screamed at my seven year old son. My only son; the little boy that was the epitome of his father. I had just yelled at him for no reason.

I cried even harder knowing that I had just proved to my son that I was a wreck without his father. My breathing was still in a rapid rhythm that I couldn’t stop. Despite my sobs, I heard Jake’s own sobs through the wall. Then, I heard Addison speak to him, politely telling him to be quiet.

That’s when I finally just gave up and let the emotion take over my body. I fell backwards on my bed again, finding my resting place from earlier. My hand flew towards the left part of the bed and landed directly on Jim’s fluffy pillow. Immediately I lifted my hand off of it, almost reacting as if it was toxic. I pushed it off the bed as I continued to cry.

Through my swollen eyelids, the next thing in my line of vision was Addison. She had come into the room and found the far wall near the bathroom door. She leaned against the wall and crossed her arms over her chest. She stood there waiting for me to acknowledge her presence.

As I gazed at her from across the room, I couldn’t help but pick out every part of her that reminded me of her father. She definitely had some of his height and even his hair color. Even the way she leaned against the wall made my heart remember back in the days when Jim and I worked together.

Her face was distraught and angry. I knew it was time to speak to her.

So, through my sobs I spoke. “Addy….”

“Don’t call me that….not now,” she said harshly. I had never heard her use that tone of voice before. It shocked me and I sucked up my tears. Our eyes connected and I saw tears form on her long eyelashes.

“Dad used to call me that…” she said, wiping a stray tear from her round cheek.

“I’m sorry baby,” I said, closing my eyes tight as I lay on the bed.

“It’s not your fault,” she said, taking in a deep breath.

I couldn’t think of anything to offer her, so I sat there, with my eyes shut, counting my breaths. It was the best way to steady my breathing. As I counted, she spoke to me in that tone again. The tone that told me she was upset and fed up.

“I really wish you wouldn’t be so selfish right about now.”

I took in a shallow breath as she said it.

“If you’d stop thinking about yourself and open your eyes, you’d see that Jake and I are hurting just as bad as you are.”

I swallowed hard and nodded. My eyes were still shut tight as tears streamed from them. I heard her let out a sob and quickly sniffle, as to cover her emotion. Then, suddenly she was out the door and down the hallway. I heard her sniffles echo off of the walls as she jogged back into Jake’s room where he was doing just the same.

And, in that moment I realized I had just ignored the comfort I had prayed for.

After two hours of more tears, I finally fell into a deep sleep. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep or refreshing by any means. The visions I had tore at me, making me grieve even more. I wasn’t quite sure how someone could mourn in their sleep, but I had experienced it.

The moment my eyelids lazily fell shut, I saw his face. I remember feeling an overwhelming surge of emotion when I realized that I would only see him in my dreams for the rest of my life. It was at that realization that I decided that I didn’t want to wake up in the morning.

My dreams were a rude awakening to the life I was about to start. I had moments of frantic despair where I envisioned myself with him in his last few moments on earth. In my dream, I watched on as he lightly jogged down the trail and surveyed the nature around him.

I kept waiting for the moment to come where I would see him take his last breath but it didn’t happen right away. As I dreaded that split second of time, I watched him stop once to bend down and tie his shoelace that had come undone. My eyes washed over his every movement and feature, trying to calculate what went wrong. He didn’t seem sick or unhealthy by his movements or strides, so I kept a close eye on his surroundings and what triggered the moment it all happened.

In the foggy haze of the dream, I remember gasping when he suddenly stopped and took in a few deep breaths. He reached into his short’s pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He started to punch some of the buttons on the phone but shoved it back into his pocket and began to jog again.

The wind was blowing all around and the sun was beautifully warm that morning. I noticed a few times that he looked up into the sky. I like to think he was admiring the gorgeous day surrounding him.

Just as I was getting used to watching him enjoy his run, he slowed his steps and my heart leapt. This was it. This was the moment that took everything away from me. I was about to see my husband die in front of me. I wanted to wake up from the horrible dream but couldn’t.

His stride slowed and he was casually walking at one point. His chest was heaving and I saw his left hand reach up and grab his right arm. He stopped and rested with his hands on his knee. It was like he began to feel better, so he began to jog again. Then, his hand came up again and didn’t just grip his right arm, but slowly moved over his grey t-shirt to rest over his heart.

He stood still, looking down at his hand resting over his heart. I could hear his heaving breaths. He tried to calm himself and the look on his face registered shock and confusion. His brow was furrowed and his eyes watering.

When I saw his hand grasp the fabric of his shirt, I screamed out. I knew there was no way to stop it from happening, but even in my dream, I wanted to hold him and call for help. It was like my feet were planted firm in the spot I was standing and I couldn’t move an inch. So, I cried out by calling his name over and over.

As I kept screaming at him to look at me and to hold on, I felt my body shake and jostle about. I ignored everything that was happening around us and solely focused on him. The plane in the sky didn’t matter, the twigs in the path in front of him weren’t a problem, and the kids on the swing down the hill were obsolete to me. My eyes locked on him.

He closed his eyes and took in another deep breath. I cried out his name again. And, just before I saw him fall to his knees, I opened my eyes to see a familiar face staring down at me.

“Pam?” she said, her hands grabbing my arms tight.

“What?” I said, frantic and irrational.

“Are you okay? You were screaming for Jim,” said Larissa, her nose and eyes red.

I felt tears pouring from my eyes.

“Four miles,” I said through the sobs.

She gave me a look of confusion, much like her brother’s before he passed away. “What Pam?” she asked, leaning in for clarification.

“Four miles. We were only four miles apart when he died. Four…” I mumbled.

She just stood there, her eyes on mine as she swallowed. We didn’t speak for a what seemed to be forever. We just looked at one another, comforting each other with words that couldn’t be spoken.

She closed her eyes and large tears poured from her round eyes. My hand instinctively reached out and grabbed hers and squeezed it. She sobbed even harder. I scooted over in the large bed and pulled her to my side. We laid there and cried together until she was calm. She fell asleep in the very spot her brother used to sleep, her tears shed all over the sheets.

When I felt her breathing slow, I finally had the motivation to get out of bed. I slowly pulled my arm from underneath her and sat up. My whole body ached and shook as I tried to stand; my legs wobbly and weak. I braced myself on the corner of the bed as I walked around it. I tripped on the rug and almost cursed out loud. I looked to make sure Larissa was still asleep and when I saw she was, I exited my room for the first time in nearly twelve hours and made my way to Jake’s bedroom door.

I placed my ear against the door to make sure they were asleep. When I didn’t hear anything, I opened the door with ease and quickly entered, shutting the door behind me. Addison was sleeping in Jake’s bed with Jake cozily snuggled up next to her. Her arm was draped around him as he hugged her back. They looked so peaceful and carefree it made my stomach ache.

I gently placed a hand on Jake soft hair and smoothed it out. He even looked like Jim when he slept. My hand ran down his round cheek and to his shoulder where I felt the soft fabric of one of Jim’s old faded t-shirts. I ran the sleeve’s fabric through my finger tips as I remember the day Jake had acquired it.

In the midst of reliving that sweet moment, my fit of hiccupping sobs overcame me again. My eyes were closed and the next thing I remember was feeling a hand reach out and grab mine, much like I did to Larissa a few minutes ago.

“Mom?” Addison asked, her voice deep with sleep.

“Yeah, babe?” I asked, suppressing my cries.

“I’m here for you,” she said in the sweetest tone. I nodded, with more tears flowing.

Then she tugged on my arm and I snuggled into the cozy twin-sized bed with my children.

When I woke, I opened my eyes to the sun shining bright. It felt just like any other ordinary day. Then suddenly I remembered the flash of terror from the day before. I rubbed my swollen eyes with my palms. I remember thinking to myself that the bed felt different and when I opened my eyes again, my children weren’t laying beside me like they were when I went to sleep

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I knew today was going to be tough. Today of all days was going to be hard to bear. It would be the first full and complete day of my life that I’d be without Jim for the rest of my life.

I heard the faint noise of people gathered downstairs. Their voices were low and hushed, like they were respecting those still sleeping. For some reason, I knew they were all waiting on me. I finally crawled out of bed and quietly paced to my bedroom door and peeked in. Larissa was long gone with the bed freshly made for the day. The sight of the neat bed made me feel lonely. Never again would I share it with him.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I reached to grab the door handle and pull it shut before descending down the stairs. I paused, as I saw my hair and clothes in disarray. I decided to put on a fresh set of clothes and at least brush my hair and teeth before gracing the family with my presence.

After I finished, I felt a rock sit in my stomach again. I didn’t want to face them but I knew I had to. I had put it off far too long. They had all taken their turn coming in to visit me, now it was my turn to return the favor. It wasn’t just me who had lost someone. It was all of us. We all had Jim in common.

I stopped and listened before trudging down the stairs. They were still being quiet and talking about safe topics. I didn’t hear anything about funeral arrangements or the tragedy among their conversation topics. It was the right time to make my first appearance of the day.

As I reached the bottom step, I looked across the living room and into the kitchen where the whole family was gathered. Addison caught my eye first and stopped what she was doing to acknowledge me. It happened like something out of a movie. Slowly, one by one they all turned and stopped their conversation to watch me walk towards them. It was one of the most painful walks I’ve ever had to take in my life.

Slowly I began to see the looks in their faces grow from cheery to dim. I knew what they were thinking. They were all thinking that I was alone. I was a widow now. That I was miserable. Lost.It was the truth. It was the truth but I didn’t want to accept it. I was too proud for that. I hated that their stares made me feel like less of a person. And, at that instant, that was truth too. Jim was the best part of me. And, he was gone. I had decreased by half in the split-second when he died.

I felt like time had slowed as I walked towards the kitchen with my head up and my eyes straight forward. Right as I passed the front door, I heard a door slam on the other side of it. To distract myself and my audience, I veered to the left of the living room, disappearing from their line of vision. I went to the door and glanced out the window.

The next thing I saw was probably the most heartbreaking thing I’d ever seen. I watched as my father opened the car door for my mother. When she stepped around to the sidewalk, she paused and my father stopped behind her. Her eyes were taking in the view of the house and I could see the torment in her face. It hurt her to be here too. It pained her to see our home without my husband residing here anymore.

I opened the door and stood there, waiting for her to see me. With tears in her eyes, her hand flew up to cover her mouth as she gasped when she saw me. My eyes were filled with tears too as I took a step out of the house and ran towards my mother; her arms wide open. As I ran, I cried. As I ran towards her, she cried too.

When I reached my comfort, I felt a weight lifted off of me. As her arms wrapped around me, I felt like it was going to be okay. There was some type of healing that occurred in that moment that neither of us could explain, but I can attest to it. I felt love again. I felt peace again. And, if I couldn’t get that in the arms of my love, I could get it from my mother’s embrace.

My parents were settled into my sullen home when I decided I needed to address some of the issues at hand. I didn’t want to by any means. I wanted to refrain from talking about arrangements or eulogies at all. I didn’t want to even call anyone and tell them he had passed but for some reason, it was my job. It was all on my shoulders now.

I cleared my throat softly, hoping that everyone had heard. The roar around the living room quieted a little, causing conversations to fall to a whisper and the sound of the dishwasher to echo throughout the home.

Jonathan caught my eye and saw that I wanted to speak and did the work for me. He cleared his own throat and spoke low, “I think Pam needs to say something guys…” Everyone focused and looked at me, their eyes just as confused as mine. No one knew what needed to be done either. Jon nodded in my direction when the room had fallen silent and gave me a quiet go-ahead.

I distracted myself with the rim of my mug. “Umm…,” I began, breathing in deeply. “I’m not really sure what needs to happen now. I’m….lost,” I confessed, feeling a sob catch in my throat. I saw Addison’s eyes tear up as my gaze darted around the sea of faces.

I heard a faint “We all are…” from Helen. Her head was hung low, her soft salt and pepper hair covering her face.

I felt the energy sucked out of the room as everyone realized that this was it. We were going to have to acknowledge the fact that Jim was gone and we had to bury him. Their faces were pale and some flush with emotion. The two sets of eyes I avoided most were the ones that needed to be peered into the most; my children’s.

When I couldn’t find anything else to say, Jonathan kindly spoke up. “Mom spoke with the people down at the funeral home. They just need a small party to go down there to finish the final plans. It’s up to you who you take,” he said, addressing me with another nod in my general direction.

I hung my head, just as Helen was doing. As I glanced up, I caught Addison’s worn face trembling. She messed with the hem of her sweater, trying to hold back a river of tears. I knew she was trying to avoid it. It was just like her to try and be strong and hang in there. She’d done it when she’d hurt herself in a basketball game at school and she was benched for the rest of the season. She sat there, just like back then, with her eyes avoiding others, and her shoulders hunched.

I sighed, realizing that decisions needed to be made and people needed to be informed. I couldn’t do it on my own, nor did I want to. When I looked up again, Addison stood and briskly walked out of the living room and towards the back door. At the sound of the door being slammed, a few sobs were let out by others in the living room. Helen was in tears, her husband gently rubbing her back. Larissa was covering her face as she held the emotionless Jake on her lap.

“Do you want someone to go after her, Pam?” my mother asked, placing her warm hand on my knee. A flash from the day before entered my mind when the officer had kindly checked on me when he told me the news.

“Let her do her thing…” I said, hoping that it was the best decision. I planned on speaking with her later.

I sucked up every ounce of energy that I had left and finally revealed it. I let out my feelings, my concerns, my worst nightmares….I told them that I wasn’t ready to put him in the ground and that I hadn’t accepted it yet. They had to know that I wasn’t willing to just let him go so easily.

One by one, they began to weep, joining me in my mourning.

“I’m going to be honest….there is no way that I want to do this. I don’t want to part with him,” I stated, trying to stay grounded for a few more minutes. “I’m not done with him. He’s mine,” I said, feeling my hands become clammy and wet.

I sniffled before speaking again. “And, there’s a lot to be done and I just don’t want to do it. But, I know that I can’t let everyone else do it for me. It wouldn’t be fair. So…I promise to try my best this week to be a great mother, a kind daughter, uh…a sincere sister in law and daughter in law, and…a strong wife. I need to be…but, if I can’t, I apologize in advance….” I managed, looking up at the audience in front of me.

My eye caught the stereo behind Larissa’s head, displaced from it’s original spot. It reminded me of the moment when I lost all control and threw my favorite lamp at it. I felt like loosing control again; standing up, screaming, throwing things, living dangerously, grabbing my car keys and slamming the door. But, at the same time, the dented stereo reminded me that even when I’m out of control, I have to take responsibility and do my job.

After shaking away my momentary mental assessment, I muttered to cover my lack of words. “I, uh…ummm… I’ve got…I need to go talk to Addison. I’ll be back…” I said, leaving the circle of family in my living room.

I adjusted my sweater as I swaggered to the back door. I pulled it open and found Addison sitting on the tiny swing set. Her face was turned towards the ground and her feet in the brown earth. She swung slow and tears fell from her face to her denim covered knees.

I stopped, in awe, at the sight. She was beautiful and so strong in that moment. Even with her emotions on her sleeve, she had a courage that I couldn’t exude at that moment. She had accepted that her father was gone. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t going to be home at six every night to eat dinner or watch the news with us anymore. He wasn’t going to show her how to drive a car or kiss her goodnight again. She’d accepted that fact and I didn’t want to. She’d done it before I had. I was jealous.

She saw me before I interrupted her. She glanced up and then back down quickly to wipe away the tears on her lashes.

“Mom,” she stated, like I had caught her doing something wrong. I smiled.

“Addison,” I said, to acknowledge her. I slowly sat down next to her on the swing to her right. She avoided eye contact and kept her focus on her shoes pushing the dirt aside.

After a few moments of silence she sighed, sniffled and spoke.

“Does everyone think I’m a baby because I ran out of the room?” she asked.

I chuckled. “No.”

“I’m stupid,” she said, shaking her head as she still looked downward.

“No you’re not. Look at me! I’m a wreck!” I exclaimed, sniffling as a little laugh escaped from my throat.

She looked up at me bright eyed and smiled. “I know…” she laughed as she wiped more tears from her cheeks.

“It’s okay to be a wreck, I guess…” I managed.

“You guess?” she asked, her laugh apparent again. “That sounds like something Dad would say.”

“I know. But, I think it’s the truth. We can’t all be strong. Whose rule was it that we had to be? I didn’t make that rule, did you?”

“No,” she said, swinging a little bit harder.

“See,” I said.

Her smile quickly faded and she finally looked up at me. “I miss him.”

I nodded, remembering every feature of her face in that moment. There were no words that I could offer her except ones that would seem redundant and unimportant. So, it fell silent between us as we realized that we would miss him. Always.

“Do you remember when you were five and you decided to finally jump out of the swing?” I asked, remembering her in her childhood. Her hair in pigtails, her shorts mismatched from her tank top, and Jim….Jim standing behind her, pushing her back and forth as the sun began to beat down on us.

She nodded, smiling at the memory.

“You weren’t afraid to take that leap….” I said, remembering the day vividly.

She nodded, fiddling with her necklace.

“You know…even though you were done crying and fussing, your Dad held you for forty-five minutes.” I remembered, chuckling.

“Really?” she asked, a glimmer shining in her eyes. “I don’t remember that…”

“Yeah. He just didn’t want to let you go. He felt like it was his fault you had fallen…but, really…it was just you…trying to be the entertainment and show off.”

She moved slightly in the swing, grasping the old ropes and running her hands up and down them.

I continued. “And, when you went to bed that night you asked us to kiss you boo-boo’s. You were so proud that you had them. It was like a badge of honor or something,” I said, laughing at the memory.

She smiled too and her face suddenly fell. I furrowed my brow in wonder at what was wrong.

“I wish he was here to kiss these boo-boo’s….” she said, trailing off.

I breathed in and looked towards the backdoor as I hear it open.

“Me too,” I said softly as Jake came walking towards us.

I remember watching Jake slowly pacing his way towards us. The way he took each step carefully, the motion of his arms swinging, the wind blowing through his hair; all reminded me of Jim. Jake was an exact copy of his father, even if he didn’t like admitting it. It nearly brought tears to my eyes seeing him coming out to console us.

“Hey, can I come out here?” he asked quietly. Addison looked up shyly as she wiped her nose and cheeks with the back of her hand.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

Jake leisurely found his way onto my lap as I sat in the swing. I wrapped one arm around him, drawing him as close to my chest as I could.

“I didn’t want to be in there anymore,” Jake said quietly. “It’s…weird.”

I turned my head towards my son in my arms and looked him in the eyes. “What are you feeling right now?” I asked him, concerned. Addison shifted uncomfortably at the question.

He shrugged his shoulders and bowed his head low. For some reason I knew it would take some time before he would fully be able to express what he was feeling. I knew it would take a while for him to even understand the weight of the situation.

Just as a breeze swept passed us, we all looked up at the sound of the back door opening again. Jonathan’s head peeked out before he opened the door all the way. He exited the house slowly and stopped at the end of the patio to speak.

“Pam, I just wanted to let you know that we’ve had a few calls from some of your friends and someone down at the police station. They said something about Jim’s car still being at the park. Do you want me to go get it?” he asked.

Listening to his announcement wasn’t painful at all. It was a simple statement of truth and information. It was the afterthought that gripped my heart.

People were calling me. And, Jim’s abandoned car was still sitting where he left it.

I nodded slowly and squeezed a little tighter to Jake. “I’ll go with you,” I answered, knowing that going to retrieve Jim’s car would be the first step at accepting his death.

The car ride to the park was quiet. Granted, it was only a five minute drive but it was a long five minutes. I could tell Jonathan was trying to remain strong too, but it was wearing him down. His face was worn and tired, his hair in disarray, his eyes swollen with large dark circles under them and just a twinge of pain written on his expression. And still, he kept calm and a cool head.

As we rounded the large curve, I internally cringed at the sight of the car. I even noticed Jonathan’s gaze stayed strictly on the road instead of the sight before us. Jonathan pulled up next to it and parked.

“You got the keys?” he asked as I peered out the window.

I nodded and placed my hand on the door handle. Before I tugged on it, Jonathan placed a hand on my wrist and I turned quickly to look him in the eye.

“Are you gonna be alright?” he asked, his face growing pale.

I nodded again, then acknowledged his fingers wrapped around my wrist. His grasp loosened when I asked him the same. “Are you okay?”

He gave a simple nod and a grin, letting me know that he was doing the best he could do. I gave the handle a tug before stepping out of his vehicle. He called out behind me before I shut the door.

“How long will you be?” he asked.

I swallowed. “Not sure.”

His eyes darted away from my expression. “Do you want me to drive it home?”

I thought for a moment. It took me awhile to understand why I was feeling afraid and uncomfortable with driving our vehicle home. But, I shook my head and shut the door. Jonathan pulled out slowly as I stood next to the lonely car in the parking lot.

I watched as his car disappear down the street. It felt like I stood next to the car for an hour, trying to muster the courage to touch the door handle. I hit the button on the key chain to unlock it and forced myself to jump into the driver’s seat like it was pouring a torrential rain. If I hadn’t forced myself to, I would have been standing out there even longer.

When I slammed the door shut, I felt new emotions and feelings creep up; ones that I didn’t even know existed. Tears threatened to fall from my lashes again and I grasped to the steering wheel and inhaled the aroma in the car. It was him. It was his scent, his cologne and the dryer sheets that he adored. I didn’t even smell the air freshener that I put on the rear view mirror every month. All I could feel and smell was everything he was. It broke my heart all over again.

When I returned to the house, it had been nearly forty-five minutes. I had sat in the car for a while, taking in all that I could of Jim and decided that I wasn’t ready to move the car from its place. So, I got out, locked it back up and walked the way back home.

It was a peaceful walk. A very lonely walk, but very calming and peaceful. The sun was setting as I trudged down my street to my house and noticed the extra car in the driveway. When I got close to the door I saw someone standing on my porch, getting ready to knock. As I got closer, I knew who it was. It had been a long time since I had seen him and when he turned to see who was coming up the steps behind him, his face bore the same expression as mine.

I stopped on the steps and smiled wide, not knowing how to greet someone at a time like this. When I saw his face, memories of my days at Dunder Mifflin flooded over me. Then, I thought about how he must have heard the news.

“Pam….” he said, looking me square in the eye as he juggled the items in his hands.

“Michael…” I responded. “How…are you?” I asked, surveying the basket of food he held.

“Fine. Oh, I brought you this…It‘s got lots of goodies that I know you‘ll love” he said, offering the basket to me. I took it and thanked him silently with a gentle nod.

In that moment, I knew that Michael and I understood each other better than anyone else that was in the house. I sat the basket down on the porch swing and took a step forward to wrap my arms around him. And, for an instant, I relived some of the most memorable days of my life all over again.