Chapter 1: The Casino Night.

Pam stood in front of Jim in the parking lot trying to keep things casual. “We can go inside. I'm feeling kinda good tonight.” She smiled.
“I was just, um...” Jim tried again, why was this so damn hard? Three simple words he practiced millions of times. “I'm in love with you.” And there it is, as honest as he’ll ever get.
Her smiled faded and she swore she didn’t hear him. She couldn’t hear anything. She must have gone deaf. “What?”
“I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear. But you needed to...hear it.”
Damnit. She did hear him and all of a sudden her breathing picks up and she swears she’s going to cry.
“Probably not good timing. I know that, I just—“he continued. She wasn’t saying anything and he couldn’t let the silence stretch. Couldn’t just let things go. Ever.
“What are you doing?” She hears come out of her mouth. Because honestly, she didn’t know what the hell he was doing. What she was doing. Couldn’t they just be like the way they were? Right at that invisible line that kept them separate? But it kept her from feeling the way she should have been.
Jim gave her the slightest head tilt and kept his exasperation from slipping from his lips. Come on, she knew what the hell he was doing. Even if he had no clue.
She stared at him. “What do you expect me to say to that?” She felt like she was hurting him, she knew she had to be because her heart sure couldn’t take much longer. She couldn’t imagine what Jim’s was going through.
It didn’t seem to faze him for a moment though. “I just needed you to know. Once.” Finally. Completely.
“Well, I, um- I...” She took a deep breath. “I can't?” Please tell her that wasn’t a question. She couldn’t even give him the decency of an honest answer and she was giving him a question? Knew it would ruin both of them in the end if she was honest with him. “You have no idea...”
“Don't do that.” He said shortly. He didn’t want to hear it, honestly couldn’t take it if he did.
“...what your friendship means to me.” She finished. And she meant it. Of course she meant it, meant all of it. After all he meant everything to her.
“Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.” Was his brain even connected to his mouth? Since when did he let his feelings over take his damn mouth before? But at the moment he didn’t care. He was being honest and Pam should have done so in return. It’d be fair wouldn’t it?
“I can’t.” She said finally and with that she walked away.
No, life was never fair to him.
~*~*~
Pam was pretty sure she was shaking. How could she leave him like that? But wasn’t it the right thing? She was getting married soon. Oh god Roy. She didn’t even think about Roy. What would she tell him? How could she act after that? She kept trying to convince herself that it was all on Jim. He felt that way about her and she didn’t feel the same.

She ran her hands through her hair. Maybe if she said it a few more times I’d make it true. Pam knew she better practice it though, if she wanted to convince Roy. She stopped and sat down on a bench near the parking lot. Is this what her life had come too? Concealing emotions that made her heart race and hurt all at once? Too many questions and not enough liquor at any bar to answer them. She figured she might as well try it though. Forgetting those questions, even if it was only for a little, would be better than anything.

~*~*~

Jim stood there trying to get the feeling to come back in his body. Was he numb? Was that what this was. He felt anger boiling inside him and he wanted to thrash out and hit things until he felt himself again. Because being numb hurt more than anything he’d ever felt.

He finally started walking towards his car but instead of opening the door, he slumped down and sat against it. He shook his head and put his hands through his hair. He was glad he was reminded so often how things never worked out. He thought he had her too, right where she couldn’t lie to him. He gave himself up only asking to be honest in return. And she couldn’t even do that. Maybe she just was something in his life he was never supposed to have.

It was all ironic is some twisted way. He knew he might never have her, but he wouldn’t stop until he did. He shook his head and almost let out a harsh laugh. It was a great way to end up bitter and alone. He honestly couldn’t wait.

Chapter 2: The Hangovers.

Jim stopped before going through the doors that led to the office. He didn’t want to do this. He barely got through last night seeing Pam just walk away the way she did. But he couldn’t just stand there, otherwise some way or another Dwight would realize he was loitering outside.

He shook his head, he could just turn around and go home, take a day off. Or five. But he knew that was just a set up too, then the memories could get at him. He wasn’t so bothered with them when he was working or doing something but when he was alone, they ate away at him. And sooner or later, there’d be nothing left.

He pushed the door open and hung his head low. But when he looked up, Pam wasn’t behind the counter. He stopped almost shortly. Where was she? Jim turned to head to his desk when Dwight appeared in front off him.

Jim stopped abruptly.

“Where is Pam?” Dwight asked annoyingly.

He already felt a headache coming on. “How would I know that Dwight?”

He shrugged and it made Jim want to punch him. “Because you always know where each other are.”

Jim’s eyes shifted to the floor. Jesus. If Dwight, of all people made, him feel like he was going to cry he should really go home. “Not now Dwight.”

He tried walking away when Dwight got in front of him. “Now wait a min—“

“I said not now.” Jim almost shouted. He took off in the direction of the kitchen. He was praying Pam couldn’t make it to work today.

~*~*~

Pam got onto the elevator and pushed up. Her head was pounding from all the drinks she had last night. Luckily Roy was asleep when she got home, she was pretty sure she would have spilled everything if he would’ve been awake. But that was what Pam could always count on Roy for. Not being up when she got home or being too drunk to even notice. She shook her head and contemplated taking another aspirin as she got off the elevator.

As she got to the office doors she heard someone’s voice—Jim’s?—shouting. She hesitated and finally pushed open the doors.

“You’re late Pam!” Dwight said rudely. He didn’t seem to fazed that someone had just yelled at him.

“What are you going to do Dwight? Put me in time out?”

“I might just have to do that.” Dwight nodded almost certainly. With that he turned into Michael’s office. She really didn’t need this today.

She looked up and saw someone coming out of the kitchen. Jim.

~*~*~

Jim ran his hand over his face for the fiftieth time. He needed to get control of himself and his emotions. They were getting him into trouble recently, even if they did just tell the girl of his dreams what needed to be said.

He finally pushed open the kitchen door and looked up. Pam.

~*~*~

Pam tried giving him a light smile but he had ducked his head down and walked to his desk. Great. This had to stop now or at least as soon as possible. Someone was going to get hurt and then she realized someone already had.

“Hey...” she said pulling his arm toward the conference room. “Can we talk?”

He only nodded. He didn’t feel like talking anymore, not to her anyway. But nonetheless he let her drag him into the conference room and shut the door. Because that was what he was good at, letting people pull him every which way.

“What do you want?” he asked. He was kind of surprised at how rude he was able to be to her, seeing as he’s never done it before. No, he usually left that up to Roy.

“Look, I’m really sorry…” she started.

He nodded again. He really had no words. Of course she was sorry, everyone is at some point. “Yeah, I bet.”

She stopped. “Ok, let me try again...”

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

Pam sighed. She didn’t expect him to be so upset and angry. But she didn’t blame him; she remembered why he was this way in the first place.

“You can’t even hear me out?” She just wanted to say sorry and fix it. She needed him to let her fix it.

Jim shook his head almost giving a harsh laugh of irony. “No.” He paused and made sure what he said next was emphasized. “I can’t.”

Now Pam looked up at him, straight into his eyes. He had a whole lot of angry bravado filling him but behind that he was just plain hurt.

“Ok look we all did and said things that I’m sure were sorry for, I know I did.”

“You think I’m sorry for telling the truth?” He said upset. “You have no idea how much courage it took me to say that to you!”

“Please don’t yell ok? My head is pounding as it is.”

He felt like kicking and throwing things just to make her cringe. “I’m not yelling.” He said simply. “In fact, I’m not saying anything at all.”

Jim shrugged his shoulders and opened door heading back to his desk. He tiredly ran his hands over his face again. Damn. For someone who had trouble getting three simple words out the night before, he had a pretty big mouth.

~*~*~

Pam wants to cry. Cry as loud and as hard as she can. She really screwed things up for herself. For Jim. She’s almost shocked because she never expected him to be that way; she didn’t even think Jim could yell at her. Or yell in general. She’d seen him frustrated before but she never saw him angry. It was surprising to see him that way and she never wanted to see him like that again. Let alone cause it.

She went back to her desk and scrubbed her face trying to stop relentless tears falling down her cheeks. If Jim saw how much he’d hurt her she’d be embarrassed beyond belief. She knew exactly how much she had hurt him last night, because he had just done it to her.

~*~*~

He made her cry and now he felt like an ass. He never thought he’d step that low, low enough just to get back at someone. Especially Pam. Never ever wanted to make her cry, Roy did enough of that he was sure. It twisted his insides and he wanted to fix it. But he couldn’t. He needed to be strong on this, didn’t want to be stepped on again. He had to be strong, he just had to.

Jim felt her eyes on him and something sick swirled in his stomach. He turned his chair slightly so he was facing Phillys and Stanley. It’s funny how when he used to feel her eyes on him he’d turn and grin at her. But not anymore.

Now its turning chairs and making her face his back.

Chapter 3: The Saying and It’s Meaning.

He and Pam haven’t talked for three days now and all in all it was killing him. He knew he had to be strong with this, but Jesus Christ he hated it. What was worse was everyone could tell something had happened. Even a blind person could tell she and him weren’t smiling or joking around; even Dwight was confused on why he hadn’t been pranked on lately.

Jim hated coming to work; there was really no point anymore. The days were hard and almost always upsetting. And even if it was an ok day, he always had this constant headache. Meredith really needed to start selling drinks or something.

He glanced up from his workspace and saw Pam walk in out of the corner of his eye. He missed her. Her smile, the way she giggled over the stupid phrases that accidentally came from his mouth when he was nervous. Everything. Especially the way she made him feel. He felt whole around her, which was hard to explain. He just missed her.

“Hey.” She said quietly coming over to his desk.

He nodded in her direction but never looked up from the computer.

“Are you ever going to stop being mad at me? I’m sorry. Really sorry.”

He looked up at her then and sighed. Her eyes were sad and a little red, but he didn’t want to think what it was from. He wanted to feel sorry for her but all that filled him was anger. Which surprised him, he didn’t understand how angry she made him lately.

“Yeah I remember.” He said coldly. Damnit. He was going to make her cry again wasn’t he?

She was about to say something else but Michael came out of his office announcing a party he was throwing today. Pam went back to her desk and sat down staring blankly at the computer screen for a moment. She looked up just to see if Jim even watched her sit down. But he didn’t, he was staring intensely at Michael. She wondered why she even bothered to come to work today.

~*~*~

“Alright Michael wants everyone in pairs. Jim and Pam you’re on cups and plates duty…” Dwight started.

Jim got up from his desk and went to whisper something in Dwight’s ear. It made Pam’s stomach lurch. For the first time in a long time she felt like she was back in high school, getting made fun of for being the way she was. Something she thought Jim would never make her feel.

~*~*~

“No, I’m not mocking your authority Dwight.” Jim said not amused. “I was just wondering if I could switch partners for today.”

Dwight looked up at Jim confused and then at Pam. She looked down upset, which both of them saw. Jim knew Dwight wouldn’t let him switch after he saw that. He had this “hero” complex the size of Texas.

“No that would be wrong to Pam.” He shook his head.

Jim rolled his eyes which made him feel like he was being an ass again, but honestly he didn’t give a shit. It was getting easier for him to feel that way and he hated it. But he couldn’t deal with this any other way. Everyone else would just have to deal. “She’ll be fine.”

Dwight handed Jim the list of things he needed to get, unmoved by Jim’s words. He sighed angrily and took the piece of paper heading into the kitchen. Pam could follow if she got the point.

~*~*~

She didn’t want to follow him, couldn’t stand him when he was like this. Never saw him like this enough times to deal with it. He was becoming more like Roy these last few days and the thing was, she hated herself for it. She took the sweet caring Jim and twisted him into something he wasn’t. No wonder he was angry and upset half the time.

“What’s on the list?” she asked pushing closed the kitchen door.

He was sitting at the table scrunching his eyebrows over the paper. “Most of this stuff we already have here. I can go get the rest.”

“I could come too if you want?” she offered. One step at a time was all she could offer. But Jim was already taking leaps.

“No I wouldn’t want to pressure you with anything.” He said it like it took him a lot of effort.

“And how come I feel like we’re not talking about cups and plates anymore?” She asked.

“Well that’s what I did, right? I pressured you.”

“Where is this even coming from?” she asked almost wanting to raise her voice. If it weren’t for the other people a room away she would have.

He shook his head, he didn’t even know anymore. He was wondering if there was a doctor that could disconnect his emotions from his mouth. “Nothing. Never mind.”

Jim got up heading for the door. But she wasn’t going to let him get away twice. She stepped in front of him. “Look Jim I’m sorry. Ok? For the thousandth time, I’m sorry.”

“Did you ever think that that’s just not going to cut it?”

“What do you want me to say?”

He knew exactly what he wanted her to say. He wanted to say the words he had so much damn trouble with, the ones he knew she was just struggling with too. The funny thing was he was pretty sure he would have forgiven everything if she would have just said it. And meant it.

And Pam does. Jim has no idea how much she wants to say it. But everything’s so twisted now and she can’t remember if she even knows the right thing to say.

“It’s not worth it anymore is it?” she asked him.

He just wished she’d let him past through the damn door. “I guess not.”

And with that she does. He walks briskly past her and she realizes she could have told him, but she lost her chance. And she can’t, she won’t now. She’d just be screwing herself up more than she already did, taking him down with her. And that, she just couldn’t bare.

Chapter 4: The Cake Covered Sleeves.

The party came and went and it sucked naturally. After all it was Angela’s birthday party and birthdays usually weren’t too exciting at Dunder Mifflin. Dwight stood on top of a table and tried to sing from there and Pam shook her head. The heights Dwight would go for her. As Michael kept trying to get Dwight off the table top she glanced over at Jim.

He was standing against her counter, probably not on purpose, and was talking to Toby. As she refilled her cup she thought back to how many times he’d actually done that, leaned against her counter and all. None of it was casual like he had tried to play it off as.

***
“Some might even say we had our first date last night.”
***
She remembered him saying that. She thought it was cute and tried to play it off as such.
***
“Oh really?”
He nodded his head. “Really.”
***
Pam shook her head taking a sip from her cup. The conversation had been totally awkward because she really had been on a date with him now that she thinks about it. She got so upset because she knew he was right.
***
“I have some faxes to get out.”
***
She couldn’t figure out whether she was more upset or embarrassed that he might have caught on how she felt.
***
“Oh, come on. Pam, I'm...”
***

God she had been so embarrassed. She should have told him though, right there and then. Maybe if she would have this situation would have never happened.

She’d give anything to have a conversation like that with him again.

~*~*~

Jim just really couldn’t wait till everyone left. He didn’t understand why he was so irritable all of a sudden. But then he looked up and saw Pam glancing at him. Couldn’t she just knock it off for his sake? He wondered why he couldn’t feel her eyes on him. He used to be able too, because that’s when his stomach used to flutter and his hands would sweat.

***
He pushed the shopping cart and stopped suddenly to grab fabric softer. He plopped it in the cart and instantly felt her eyes on him. It was like a chemical reaction really. Anytime she smiled or looked at him his heart jumped all the way into his throat. It was hard feeling to miss.
“What?”
“You use fabric softener?” she asked still smiling.
“Yeah. You don't?”
***
Jim shook his head trying to clear away those thoughts. No need to think about the past if it can’t happen again in the future.

He walked past her with all his strength moving his legs. He would have given anything to stop. He would have given anything for her to make him feel that way again.

~*~*~

“Great party everyone. Really! Goodnight.” Michael jeered as everyone tried to shove past him to the elevator.

But before Jim and Pam could get through he stopped them. “Um what are two doing? Aren’t you clean up crew?”

“What? No Michael we got the cups and plates.” Jim said.

“On Dwight’s list you were on clean up duty. So don’t worry its Friday, no work tomorrow. Take as long as you need to tidy up.” And with that he turned and headed out the door.

Pam dropped her bag on the couch near the counter and put her coat back on the coat rack. “Doesn’t maintenance usually clean up?”

Jim looked at his watch. “I think they already left. It’s nearing two A.M” He looked around the office. “This place is a mess.”

“I can clean up if you want to go home.” She offered. It would probably be better if they weren’t around each other more than they had to be.

He turned around and she could tell he was considering it but he finally shook his head. “No I’m—I’m not going to leave you with this huge mess.”

Pam almost smiled but she didn’t. “I’ll get the cups and plates.”

“I’ll get the decorations.”

It took them about an hour to get everything into garbage bags. And just as Jim was tying up the last one Pam let out a groan.

“I think my keys fell out in one of the bags.”

Jim rolled his eyes not amused. “You’re kidding me.”

She shook her head feeling in her pockets. He waited for her to check through her bags and coat before he opened up one of them and set it lean on the refrigerator.

“Leave it to you to drop you’re keys in a garbage bag full of cake and cups.” He bent down and tried searching through it without getting stuff on his sleeves.

“Oh sorry I’ll try to be more perfect and non-mistake making like you.” She said catching the edge in his voice.

“Don’t start this now alright Pam? How old are you, four?”

“If I’m four, you’re two.”

And damnit he smiled. She must have saw him too because she stopped shifting through the bags for a moment. He quickly turned his face back into a scowl and turned to open another bag.

It really was no use any more. No matter how mad he convinced himself he was at her, his heart told him differently.

~*~*~

“Found them!” She announced.

He nodded and tied up the bags once again. By this time they’re sleeves were both covered with cake and tons of icing.

Jim stood and pushed the bags to the corner and turned to look at her. She basically was covered with icing. He wanted to smile and tell her just how ridiculous she looked. And then add mentally that she could be covered in green mud and she would still look beautiful. But he knew he shouldn’t, he really couldn’t do that anymore. Although there was this one splotch on her face he couldn’t help but stare at.

“You have icing on you’re…” he motioned with his hand to his cheek and she tried wiping it off with her sleeve, adding more.

“Got it?” She asked.

This time he did smile. “Why do you always have to be such a mess Beesley?”

She looked up suddenly and her breath nearly stopped in its tracks. She wanted to point out the sudden slip of tongue. Did he even notice he used the nickname? She was afraid to acknowledge it because if she did he might stop looking at her that way. Just the way he used too. She looked at him for a moment and recognized her Jim there. The one that didn’t include hollow stares and crude comments.

“Yep that’s me. Always a mess.” Wow and now her words sucked. She hoped her cheeks didn’t fill with crimson when she said it. That would just add to the dramatic irony popping up all over the place.

Jim moved towards the sink and turned on the tap, waiting for it to get warmer. He grabbed a wash rag on the counter and held it under the water.

“Look at me.” He instructed.

She did and he held her chin still with one of his hands. He really had balls to be doing this right now. He had some damn nerve to be touching her, even if it was just her chin, after being an ass to her the last three days. But he did anyway, even if he did suspect Pam would slap him any minute.

As he rubbed the icing off her face with the cloth she wondered if he could feel how hot her skin was getting when he touched her. How many goose bumps rose to their peeks when he was near.

“Ok you’re good.” He put the cloth back in the sink and let the water run off some left over icing on his hands.

“Thanks.” She said quickly and turned to go back out of the kitchen. She was real good at walking away when things got too important for her to handle.

“Oh and Pam?”

She sighed and turned in just enough time to get water splashed on her.

“Hey!” she exclaimed.

He smiled widely. “Try not to be such a mess next time; I’m not your kindergarden teacher.”

“No you know what you are?” she asked, making her way closer to the sink.

“An ass…” she splashed a huge wave of water at him and it hit him square in the chest. He looked down at his shirt, which was nicely see through-ish by the way, and went after her.

“You’re so dead Beesley.”

She squealed as she tried ditching him but as she turned he picked her up in his arms and turned her quickly. She laughed enjoying the long waited contact with him. She was tired of missing this, missing him.

And before Pam knew what was going on they were kissing. She thinks she was in mid-sentence when it happened too. But she honestly couldn’t remember if she tried, everything melted away as soon as his lips connected with hers.

He stopped suddenly still holding her up in his arms. “I-I’m sorry.” Jim stammered.

“Really?” She asked.

He was going to respond but she did it for him. “Because I’m not.”

He smiled widely as she leaned in to kiss him again.

Chapter 5: The Chances.

Last nights images flashed through Jim’s mind as he sat in the conference room. He couldn’t help but grin. He looked down at his lap then across the room. Pam was seated looking at Dwight and she looked at him briefly. He saw her give him a mocking face and his smile grew wider.

“Something to smile at Jim?” Dwight asked rudely.

“Never Sheriff Dwight. This is a serious matter is it not?” He still could not believe what Michael had let Dwight use the conference room for.

Dwight nodded. “Finally glad you’re turning against forest fires Jim.”

And there it is. He knew there was a reason to come late to work that day.

~*~*~

As everyone left the conference room Pam caught up with Jim and headed into the kitchen with him. “Just couldn’t be serous in there couldn’t you?”

He scoffed smiling. “It’s a little hard when you’re making faces at me from across the room.”

“It should be just like looking in a mirror.”

“Whoa…that’s below the belt don’t you think?”

Pam makes a shocked face. “Can’t take the truth?”

She was grinning now and all he wanted to do was grab her by the waist and hold her. Hold her as tight as he possibly could so he could try and convince himself he wasn’t going to lose her anytime soon.

“Did you…tell Roy yet?” he hated asking her. He was happy and breaking the moment killed him but so did sneaking around. He just wanted to be with her. No hiding, no nothing.

She looked down. “Not yet….but I’m going to. It just…”

“Takes time I know. I just feel dirty sneaking around like this.”

“So take a shower.”

He shook his head. “You have no idea how bad that joke was, do you?”

She smiled and stepped closer to him. “Would it be so bad if I joined you?”

He raised his eyebrows and fumbled a little with his words. “Well no…but that’s not the point. Something tells me he’s not going to be too happy when he knows.”

She shrugs. “He’s never too happy about anything.”

“I can’t find that to be true.” He started walking past her to leave the kitchen.

She turned as he left. “How so?”

Jim shrugged. “He had you didn’t he?”

~*~*~

A week later of this and Jim couldn’t be happier. He and Pam hadn’t kissed again but at least they were better than before. He was glad he didn’t have to be an ass to her anymore. Being too much like her husband was making him kind of sick inside.

And that’s when he remembered. Pam still hadn’t told Roy that she was breaking up yet. It didn’t bother him at first because he was sure she was going to do it. But as each day past that assurance was dwindling away. And asking everyday if she had told Roy yet was irritating too.

He couldn’t tell what was holding her back. She wanted to be with him didn’t she? Or at least be free of Roy. One of the two had to be true….didn’t it?

~*~*~

Pam set her things down on the counter and put her coat on the coat rack. She saw Jim approach her desk and she smiled at him. She still hadn’t told Roy about her kiss with Jim.

And she wanted to, she really did. But every time she had enough courage to tell him, she felt like she was betraying him somehow. Which she was sure was true in some way.

“Morning.” He said. “I wanna ask you something.”

“Hmm hmm?” Crap. Crap. And more crap.

“Did you tell Roy yet about…you know.”

He could tell she was irritated by another reminder. But he couldn’t help it. He still hadn’t seen that doctor to disconnect his emotions from his mouth.

“No I didn’t.” If only telling Roy was so simple.

Now Jim was just plain disappointed. “Why not?”

“Why do you do the things you do?” Was this always on her?

“It’s not about me. You have to tell him….if you even still want to.”

She did, didn’t she? He thought she would at least give him some sort of sign that she didn’t.

Pam rubbed her eyes and finally looked at him. “But it is about you Jim! What you want and what you need…you know it’s hard for me to do this. So just chill out ok?”

Jim put his hands up in defense. “Fine. I’m just saying taking a chance on something, even if its only once in a while, it’s worth it.”

“I can take a chance on things.” She said angrily. How dare he say what she could and could not take a chance on. How the hell would he know how she felt?

“Really? You can?”

She nodded. “Yeah. If it’s important enough.”

That’s it. That was all it took. Jim looked down and tried to think when she had been capable of doing this to him.

Since when did a few words learn to destroy him like that? She struck a nerve. A nerve he thought was long gone after this week. She hurt him again. She was basically saying he, they, weren’t important enough to take a chance on. God damnit. How many times was he going to let her do this to him?

Jim nodded. “Alright. Whatever you say Pam.”

He walked back to his desk and sat down. If he wasn’t important enough to her to take a chance on, she wasn’t important enough to be in love with.

~*~*~

Pam walked to her car pulling tighter on her jacket. Too much of a long day and she just wanted to go home. After spending another day of not talking to Jim she realized she had to tell Roy. Jim was right. If she didn’t want to take a chance on him or what they could be, she couldn’t take a chance on anything.

Roy had stayed home for the day and she had to tell him. She was puzzled how odd she felt as she got into the car. She should have felt ecstatic, finally getting what she wanted, realizing who she needed and wanted to be with. But she couldn’t shake this awful feeling of telling him.

She felt guilty for telling Roy she kissed Jim but then overjoyed that she did. The way she felt that night with him was something she didn’t know she could feel anymore. After all, Roy hadn’t made her feel that way in a long time.

So many conflicting emotions battling within her. She didn’t know what to do or how to tell Roy. I mean how do you tell someone that you basically don’t love them anymore?

~*~*~

Pam opened the door to the house. “Roy?”

He came stumbling around the corner. “Hey babe. How was work?” his words were slurring a bit.

“Are you drunk?” she asked plainly.

He laughed suddenly. “A little bit.”

Pam let out a sigh and led him over to sit on the couch, she really was just getting tired of this. “We have to talk.”

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. He was drunk after all. But she tried anyway. She waited long enough and she knew it took her a while to get her courage all stacked up and ready to go. She had it ready. She needed to tell him.

“Last week I…I kissed Jim.” No need to go into details. Nothing was going to cushion this blow.

Everything stopped and Roy looked at her. He was suddenly very sober. “What?”

“I kissed Jim last week. And he kissed me. It was pretty much and all opportunity kiss.” She didn’t even know why she was trying to be funny about this.

Roy was defiantly not laughing. “Halpert? Jim Halpert?”

Pam said nothing now. She had to let it seep in, it was after all a lot to hear.

“We were getting married in a few days Pam. How could you do this to us?”

Before she could respond, Roy stood up and flipped the coffee table over. “To me!!”

Pam sunk back into the couch as he approached her. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. “How dare you do that to me Pam! After what we had together, how could you do that!”

He backed up and kept running hands over his face.

Pam stood trying to find her voice. “Oh you mean the yelling and the drinking? That kind of thing we had? I don’t even remember the last time we even had something together Roy.”

“So we never had anything at all? That’s what you’re saying?” He screamed, anger practically leaking from his mouth.

“Have another drink.” She said quietly moving past him to the front door. She’d do this when he was sober.

He grabbed her arm and roughly jerked her around. “Answer me!” He raised his hand back and stopped inches before her face, probably realizing that he was about to hit her.

She didn’t hesitate though. Not for one second. She ran out that door and to her car before he realized why he had stopped.

~*~*~

Jim couldn’t understand how he screwed up so much in such a small amount of time. He had her. Her freaking had her, right in front of him. Leave it to him to say something stupid and make her turn away. Although it had to be done. If this thing was going to work shouldn’t it have been perfect? Or as close as it possibly could?

You’d think after waiting so long it would be damn near perfect. But life just didn’t work that way and neither did love. It waited till you were on your knees and then gave you one final kick.

He heard a knock on his door and looked at the clock. Perfect timing for the pizza guy to interrupt his self wallowing.

Jim opened the door and stood there for a moment. Not the pizza guy.

“Pam?”

Chapter 6: The Three Wishes.

“Pam?” he asked again.

And just when he thought he was on the ground for good, love pulled him right back up. It was a bitch really. How many wounds did he need to get before he could finally remain down?

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Can I come in?” she asked quietly.

It’d be so much easier if he could just say no. If his heart was ice and he didn’t need to feel so much for her. He was pissed at her. There was no doubt about it. She took him on this damned roller emotion coaster he didn’t need to be on. But no matter what he did, he still went on. And enjoyed so much more after he did. He couldn’t stay mad at her, love was something that just prevailed over anything in him.

“I can leave, if it’s too late or…”

“No, come on.” Jim opened the door wider for her to pass.

Of course come in. He shrugs. It’s not too late; never too late for her.

Jim watches as she sits on his couch and hangs her head low. Something’s happened. Didn’t need to be a genius to realize that. And he wants to bitter and rude, tell her that he’s kind of glad fate’s slapping her in the face for once. But he doesn’t. He sits down next to her and puts a hand on her knee.

“What happened?”

And that’s when he can see the tears start to pour down her face. And before he knows it he’s holding her in his arms. The girl he told everything to, the girl who knew just how to break his heart. He was holding her closer as she was sobbing and all he could do was rock them gently. He couldn’t process the right thing to say. So he didn’t. He let her be the first to talk.

“I was with Roy. I told him.”

Jim looked at the ceiling. Of course. He thought the reason she was now in his arms was because fate was giving him some kind of break. But it was his fault she was crying. Again. He made the point that she should tell Roy.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly.

Pam sat up and shook her head. “But I needed to tell him right? Because if I didn’t, we’d feel guilty about it.”

“Yeah that was the general idea...” He trailed off searching her eyes.

“So no guilt…” she was starting to move closer to him, damn near crawling onto his lap.

Jim didn’t seem to notice what she was saying, he wasn’t really listening in the first place. He was leaning his face into hers; their foreheads were now touching. She looked up and Jim pushed his lips onto hers.

No guilt was felt whatsoever.

~*~*~

They clasped hands for a moment and then Pam was now fully on his lap, kneeling farther into the couch. His arms moved and were now pushing around her waist, wanting any contact he could with her.

We'd be so less fragile
If we're made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel…

She tried moving her hair out of her face as she pushed her lips farther down on him, but he took care it for her by switching gears. He picked her up by the waist and placed her back flat on the couch. He took no time leaning down on her.

And you only want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

Although Pam wasn’t waiting, she sat up and met him mid-way. They connected mouths and the heat started all over again. He was stroking her neck and hairline and jaw while she pulled his shoulders further down and kissed the sensitive part on his neck.

You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all its blisses…

Pam surprised him by pushing him up and now somehow he was on the couch. Pam started to unbutton her shirt and his eyes traveled down to her hands, pulling at the buttons. He grabbed her hands though and stopped their deed, pulling her down on him again.

You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away.

“Don’t you…?”

“More than ever. But it just…its not the right time.”

She sat up some what displeased. “How do you know it’s not?”

“You can understand that can’t you?” he asked. He prayed to God she could just understand him.

She smiled sweetly. “Of course.” If he could wait, surely she could. All she needed was being with him here and now.

He gently pulled the sides of her face towards him and kissed her passionately once more. If he had three wishes they’d be this: Them. Right here. Right now.

~*~*~

Roy watched Pam open her blouse to him and clenched his fists at his sides. How dare Halpert think he could just have his fiancé like that? He looked at the ground at his feet outside the window. The tears fell from his eyes and hit his shoes. His ex-fiancé.

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she'll be new again
Soon you'll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win..

Guess he really didn’t know what he had until she wound up in the arms of another. He had no idea how much Pam meant to him. But I guess that just proved the point at hand; nothing really hurts until it’s gone.

~*~*~

Pam shifted around trying to move her arm. She opened her eyes a bit when she couldn’t budge it. She smiled widely when she saw that it was Jim’s fault. His own arms were wrapped around her and suddenly she didn’t want to move at all. Wanted to stay in his arms forever, wanted to feel his touch and be surrounded by his scent.

As she shifted to look at the clock he started to wake as well. He sat up and so did she, rubbing her eyes.

“Morning.” He said groggily.

She said the same and looked around the room. Was it supposed to be this awkward? They hadn’t done anything last night for it to be awkward like this. She tried looking anywhere but his eyes. Where were her shoes? That was a good thing to look for. On the floor and around the coffee table instead of looking at him.

She didn’t keep that up for long though because Jim lightly grabbed her chin with his hand and forced her to look at him.

“So I guess we have to talk.”

She nodded. “Yeah…I guess we do.”

Chapter 7: The Day Off.

“So I guess we have to talk.”

She nodded. “Yeah…I guess we do.”

Jim was about to open his mouth to say something but the words didn’t come. He really didn’t even know where to start. He was just kind of hoping she would start off. Which, thankfully, she did. The bad thing always was that Jim’s emotions shot from his mouth without thinking. So when his emotions died down, he basically didn’t know what to say.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you about when I told Roy last night.”

He glanced down and saw she was rubbing her hands together nervously. Something had defiantly happened last night and Pam was not happy about it. He had to know what it was now, before his curiousness and low patience shot through the roof.

He gently reached for her hands and moved a little closer to her. “It’s ok. You can tell me.” He said trying to assure her.

“He was angry. He—he almost hit me Jim.”

“What?” Jim replied a little bit too loud. He wanted to punch Roy’s face in. Actually had every intension of planning to do so. “Why didn’t you tell me that Pam?” He was feeling very protective of her now.

“I don’t know…He was drunk.” She said softly trying to come to his defense.

That fact just pissed off Jim more. So since he was drunk that gave him the right to hit her? Hurt her? “So you’re saying it’s alright he was about to hit you?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore ok?” She tried. The fact that her fiancé had almost come to blows was very upsetting. Jim wasn’t understanding that though, he just thought she was trying to find excuses for him, again.

“Are you ok at least?” he stood still holding her hands. He pulled her up to stand and she craned her neck to look at him. She stepped towards him and he embraced her.

Yeah. I’m ok. But you know what would make it better?” She asked. Read her mind Jim.

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her. “I think I have an idea.” He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her into the bedroom.

~*~*~

“Michael! Michael!” Dwight annoyingly called walking into his office.

“What Dwight?” he asked not looking up from his papers.

“Both Jim and Pam are not here today. I suspect…”

“Not here or just late?” Michael asked. “No need to go conclusion jumping Dwight. Wait a bit longer and then call their phones. Alright?”

Dwight nodded but looked unhappy he didn’t get to report what he really wanted to say. He trudged back out to his seat. He’d wait ten minutes before reporting them again.

~*~*~

“Whipped cream, strawberries…no chocolate syrup?” Pam looked up from the fridge door. “How can you not have chocolate syrup?”

“I never eat it.” Jim shrugged.

“I do!” Pam exclaimed grabbing the caramel instead.

“Right. And I’m supposed to stalk up my fridge according to what you want?” He rolled his eyes.

“That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do.” She went around the island table grabbing a few bowls and two spoons.

“What are you doing?”

“Sundaes…obviously.” She grinned and scooped out the ice cream and plopped it into one of the bowls.

“Without chocolate syrup?!” Jim gasped. “How ever will you get past that?”

“Careful, you’re about to head to a grocery store to pick me up some.”

Jim took the spoon from her and licked it. “You’d never be able to get me to go.” And then stuck his tongue out at her.

“We may not have chocolate syrup. But you know what caramel is really good for?” she asked opening the jar.

“Hmm?” he tilted his head towards her and was met with a great big blob of caramel being smeared on his nose and mouth.

Jim kind of stared at her shocked for a moment until she ran her finger across his lips, gathering the caramel. She put her finger in her mouth. “Hmm…” she said thoughtfully. “Who knew you tasted so good Jim.”

She was mocking him and he grinned standing up quickly and grabbing her. She giggled as he tickled her. “Lick it off Pam!”

She laughed loudly. “EW!”

“You put it on there now take it—“

She crushed her mouth on his, the caramel making her mouth sweet. She pulled back and when Jim went back in for another kiss she shoved a paper towel to his lips. It stuck and she giggled.

“Haha…” Jim wiped the caramel off his face and licked his lips.

The phone rang suddenly and Pam looked at him slightly panicked.

“I’ll get it.”

She grabbed his hand. “What if it’s Roy?”

“I’ll still get it.” Jim smiled hoping to soothe her nerves. He was kind of hoping it was Roy. He had a few select words to say to him.

“Hello?”

Jim pulled the phone away from his ear. ‘Dwight’ he mouthed to Pam. He put the receiver to his ear again and almost got an alarmed look. “No Dwight you can’t come here. It’s too embarrassing.”

Pam went closer to Jim and the phone hoping to hear Dwight’s loud voice on the other end. He asked what was embarrassing.

“Well you see…I have….I have something called Mermaidtotis.” He suppressed a laugh as Dwight gasped at the fake disease and asked what the symptoms included.

“Dwight I’m ashamed of you. As a deputy volunteer..”

“Sheriff.” Dwight corrected.

Jim looked to Pam amused and put Dwight on speaker. “Right sheriff. I just figured you’d have all these types of things memorized.”

“I’ve never heard of this breed before.”

Jim nodded. “Well it’s highly contagious Dwight. I heard Pam was out sick too, she must be showing symptoms.”

Dwight grabbed a pen and paper. “What are they so I can inform others.”

“Um…”He shrugged his shoulders at Pam and she motioned to her legs. “Right, well first off, the infected starts out by drinking tons of water. Like a ton Dwight, keep an eye out. And then as soon as you know it, you have scales and a mermaid tale.”

Jim could hardly contain his laughter anymore as Dwight ooed and awed over Jim’s condition. “Be a good sheriff Dwight. Warn others.”

And with that he hung up the phone.

“Very nice.” Pam complimented. “Mermaidtotis huh?”

“It’s an epidemic…or well at least Dwight thinks it is now.”

She gave him and air five and he bowed. While Dwight was searching for mermaids among the office, she and Jim would be trying different things out with that caramel.

Chapter 8: The Act 1 Scene 5

Pam and Jim intertwined their fingers as they kissed against one of the walls of the elevator.

Pam giggled, trying to tear away her mouth from Jim’s. “Aren’t you afraid of us getting caught?” The elevator beeped and she glanced to see what floor they were on. “We’re almost to the office.”

Jim sighed almost irritated and looked at the camera in the corner of the elevator and waved. Pam slapped his hand down and he laughed. “Obviously not that worried about it.”

The elevator bell dinged and they quickly separated, leaning on opposite walls. Oh yeah, they had cool down pat, Pam thought sarcastically.

They were flustered, breathing a little heavy and glancing at each other every ten seconds. Any moron could tell they were hiding something but luckily Dwight was the one who boarded the elevator.

“Morning Dwight.” Jim said coolly. “What are you doing on the 5th floor? You do know the office is on 6th right?”

“Beeswax.” Dwight answered shortly. “Mind your own.”

Jim smiled at Pam and she rolled her eyes. Jim reached to secretly squeeze Pam’s hand as the elevator opened again and they headed off.

“How’s the mermaid hunt going Dwight?”

Dwight whirled around and Jim dropped Pam’s hand. “My findings are none of your business.”

“Did I ever tell you I was part of the National Mermaid Society Committee?”

Dwight’s brow furrowed and he answered slowly trying to figure out if Jim was telling the truth or not. “No…”

“Well I happen to be one of the board members. And if you have any findings you have to report them to me.”

Dwight rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah and what’s in it for me?”

Jim merely smiled.

~*~*~

Dwight told Jim that Michael had been drinking more water lately. So Jim naturally told him that Michael had “undeveloped gills” and that he needed to drink so much water to survive. When Dwight took out a paper and pad to take notes he nearly lost it.

“So how do I test if Michael is indeed a mermaid?”

“Well you have to pick up a certain something to test him, but if you’re not up to it…” Jim hesitated trying to taunt Dwight on more.

“No! I’m up for it. Just tell me what I need to get.”

Jim nodded. Dwight had his pen and pad at the ready, how could he resist that?

~*~*~

“Alright come on in Dwight.” Michael called out.

Dwight stood from his desk and Jim gave him a thumbs up as he went in. Jim leaned against the reception counter and Pam leaned up from behind him.

“What is he doing in there?”

Jim smiled. “You’ll see in a bout five seconds.” His hand reached for his shoulder and rubbed it gently for a moment.

“You’re shoulder hurt?” Pam asked.

“Yeah, I think someone pushed me a little too hard in the elevator this morning.” Jim accused quietly.

She snuck her hand up right below his shoulder and rubbed his back tenderly. A slow smile crept onto Jim’s face as she stroked his back. He closed his eyes for a moment as he enjoyed her warm hand glide over his shoulder. He wondered if she could feel his skin heat to her touch; she could have melted him.

There was a sudden shriek from Michael’s office and Jim stepped foreword expectantly. “Dwight, what the hell are you doing? What is that?”

Dwight staggered from the room. “I was just testing Michael…”

“Out! Get out!” Michael yelled and Dwight quickly made his way out the office doors.

“What happened Michael?” Jim asked as Pam came out from behind her counter.

“Dwight put a goldfish in my water Jim. I drank from that cup! There’s no diseases I could have caught is there?”

Jim shook his head. “From a goldfish? I doubt it.”

Michael shook his head and into the kitchen to call Toby to get the damned thing and put it somewhere.

Pam put a hand on his forearm. “How did you convince Dwight to do it?”

Jim grinned. “All mermaids eat a diet of goldfish, well at least that’s what Dwight thought.”

“That’s all you said to him?” She asked.

Jim nodded. “Yep, and I had to promise him he’d be the deputy sheriff of the mermaid committee.”

~*~*~

Pam breathed heavily as Jim started to lift her skirt a bit higher. She closed her eyes tightly, how could he do this much to her in only ten minutes?

When he asked her to come look for manila folders in a storage closet a few minutes after the Dwight incident, it didn’t occur to her she’d be this worked up.

“I feel like a scene in Shakespeare.” She lifted her head from his mouth and leaned back against the wall.

He pushed against her and nuzzled her neck. “Like Romeo and Juliet?”

Damn. She could barely nod anymore and Jim smiled, backing off a bit. “I don’t think Romeo and Juliet had storage closets.”

“Oh, whatever did they do?” Pam raised her eyebrows up and down.

“I’m sure they got by somehow.” He lifted her into his arms and kissed her again. He moved his hands around her waist and pushed into her skin making her groan slightly.

They backed off of one another trying to catch their breath. “Wait, how are we anything like Romeo and Juliet?”

“Are you kidding?” She asked.

“So we’re what, star-crossed lovers? Ruined lives, bloodshed…epic?”

She leaned against his chest and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “We were.”

______________________________________________________
Chapter 9: The Confetti Hearts and Fading Colors.

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.”

Jim looked up from his computer and watched her answer the phone. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t do that, when his days weren’t filled with watching her every move. It was finally nearing 4:55 and Jim shut down his computer. He had something special he was planning for Pam and he was itching to finish it.

When Pam noticed he was getting ready to leave without her she tried hurrying her computer into shutting down, only accomplishing with freezing it.

“I’ll see you later okay?” Jim said, hurrying to grab his jacket.

“My computer just froze. Can you give me a few minutes?”

Jim shook his head and put his bag on the ground to put his coat on. “I have stuff I need to do.” By the way her face changed he swore he must have hit her or something. “I’m just in a hurry, sorry.”

She nodded and wished her damn computer would unfreeze and shut down. “Yeah, I understand. I’ll see you later or whatever.”

As he turned to push the door open he looked back at her. “Oh and Pam, button up it’s cold outside.”

Even though she was irritated she nodded anyways. He could tell he upset her a bit but he needed to ignore that for now. He had bigger things to set in order.

~*~*~

Pam finally got her computer to unfreeze and shut down ten minutes after Jim left. She was irked by the fact that he couldn’t just wait ten lousy minutes for her. Roy had always been that way, doing things now and in a hurry. Except for their wedding, however. It had taken three years of engagement just to realize nothing was going to happen anyway.

She grabbed her jacket from the coat rack and a piece of pink paper fell from one of the pockets. She was confused as to where it fell from since she didn’t remember putting it in there. As she bent over to get it she realized it was a pink envelope rather than a piece of paper and it had little red hearts embroidering the sides.

As she opened it little red confetti hearts spilled from the envelope and she pulled out a piece of paper which said,

Meet me on the roof.

She grinned. She now realized why Jim had told her to button up.

~*~*~

Jim twisted his hands nervously waiting for Pam. For a moment he didn’t think she had gotten his note, until he heard footsteps coming from the stairwell leading to the roof.

She opened the door and almost gasped at what she saw. Twenty or thirty miniature candles were carefully placed around the roof top giving off a romantic glow. Around each of the candles were rose petals and heart confetti covering the ground.

Jim stood to one side watching her reaction and when she turned to him with a few tears making their way down her cheek, he thought he’d done something wrong.

“Don’t like the confetti?” he tried laughing but it just came out dry. The words I can’t from Casino Night suddenly filled his ears and he was worried about his heart getting broken again.

Pam laughed, the tears muffling her voice. “It’s beautiful Jim.”

He let out a sigh, greatly relieved. He turned and took two wine glasses filled with champagne off the fold out table he brought up and handed it to her.

She took it from him and looked around. “When did you do all this?”

He wiped some tears off her face with his gloved hand. “Had some time at lunch, when I told you I wasn’t feeling well.”

“You were gone for some time Jim, you had me worried.”

He kissed her head. “Sorry, but it was worth it wasn’t it?”

“Can I ask you something?” she asked suddenly.

After he nodded she took a breath and asked. “Remember Casino night…?”

Jim just looked at her; he didn’t think he was even breathing anymore. This topic was not a fond one and he wanted to know why she brought it up.

“When you said you wanted to be more? What did you mean?”

He didn’t honestly know what that meant when he had said it. He was just trying to keep her from walking away, to keep her listening to him. So now he had her, basically within arms length. What had he meant?

“I just…I wanted us. I wanted you.” He wanted her everywhere at once. In his arms, his grasp, his eyesight, in his damn heart. He needed her to be there all at once or he felt like he’d fall apart at the seams. “I still do. Because when I don’t, everything fades and I fall apart.”

Pam nodded slowly and understood because that’s all she felt when he wasn’t there. When he was gone, everything seemed to die away or collapse. Colors dripped from their places and fell to the floor, leaving black and white memories in their place.

They had let everything around them turn so black and white. It wasn’t entirely their fault either; it was just the way things worked. But she was tired of not being able to see the sky as blue or the rose petals as red. She was tired of being scared all the time that the black and white would stay even if she was with him.

Pam leaned foreword and kissed him on the lips and Jim tried to maneuver putting his wine glass down before finally dropping it. He pushed his hands around her waist and pulled her towards him and she pulled his head farther down to hers.

As they quickly ran out of breath and pulled apart, Pam looked straight into Jim’s blue eyes. “Maybe more…is just what we needed.”

He smiled softly and she grabbed his hand and turned to lean her back on his chest. He was sturdy and soft and she loved the way she could still smell him even if her back was turned. It was comforting and that’s when she noticed the red petals on the ground. She couldn’t remember a time when red was that vibrant, that passionate or alluring. Even in the dim candle light the colors around her were pulsating.

No more black and white or trying to heal broken hearts. Fate wasn’t turning this around on them this time; it wasn’t going to screw with what they worked for. After all, they were more than they were supposed to be.