~~~~~
Jim walked into the bar and scanned the crowd to find his co-workers. He really did not want to be here on a Friday night, but unfortunately Michael had created another one of his asinine activities (or “funtivities” as he called them) to make all the office workers interact with one another outside of the office to “build relationships”. Jim had tried desperately to think of an excuse out of the event, but given that Karen had had to show Michael her actual plane ticket she had bought to visit her parents this weekend, Jim knew he didn’t stand a chance. In the long run he figured it’d be easier to just go and endure the pain than try to fight Michael on something so important to him.

“Hey Big Tuna!” Andy called out from a round table in the corner where the majority of the office workers sat. Jim smiled and waved at everyone as he approached the table. He did a mental head count: Stanley, Phyllis, Bob Vance (of course), Dwight, Angela, Meredith, Kelly, Ryan, Andy, Oscar, Kevin, and of course Michael. He noted the absence of Toby and Pam. None of them looked even the least bit amused to be forced to be there on a Friday night, except for Andy and Dwight who were, of course, always ready to serve their fearless leader.

“So, Big Tuna, where’s your foxy lady tonight,” Andy inquired in his usual annoying manner.

Jim had to fight the urge to tell him that generally foxes and fish don’t interact with one another in any way that’s beneficial for the fish, and instead replied, “Karen? Oh, she’s at her parents this weekend. She planned a trip a few months ago.”

“Which just proves yet again that she is not really a member of this family,” Michael said from the other side of the table. Jim was really not in a mood to deal with Michael’s antics today, but he reminded himself that keeping his cool was probably better than the alternative.

“So where’s Toby?” Jim asked conversationally, though secretly more curious as to the whereabouts of Pam.

“Toby! Ick. No. He was not invited.” Michael responded making a disgusted face worthy of a five year old child.

“Pam said she wasn’t feeling well, but I told her that Michael said it was imperative that she be here tonight” Dwight volunteered.

“Nice,” Jim said, slightly under his breath, his annoyance building again.

“Michael, what is the point of this?” Angela inquired in her normal condescending tone.

“I just wanted to see what this place was like! You know, hang out outside the office with my friends; you guys.” Michael’s happiness was less than contagious, and Jim swore he could hear Stanley groaning from the corner.

“Can I get you something to drink?” the waitress asked, appearing at Jim’s elbow.

“Yeah, uh, how about a Sam Adams?”

“Sure thing,” she said quickly turning away. Jim had the distinct feeling that she had already had a rather disturbing interaction with Michael earlier.

“Hey Jim, I’ll bet you $10 that I can kick your ass at pool.” Kevin said, indicating the pool tables toward the back of the bar.

“Yeah? You’re on.” Jim replied and turned to head toward the pool table.

“Awesome! Pool! I’ve always wanted to play pool,” Michael said, standing to follow them. Jim and Kevin shared a look, but didn’t protest as they continued to head toward the pool tables. Andy followed Michael and the two of them set up at the table next to Kevin and Jim.

Once they had their cues and Kevin was lining up the balls, Jim glanced back at the table to see that Angela was putting on her coat, and Stanley had already disappeared. Though slightly envious of his co-workers ability to slip out unnoticed, he was happy to play pool with Kevin.

They were a few strokes in when he felt her presence. He had known she was there the moment she had walked into the bar. It was one of those residual habits that he kept trying to break himself of, clearly unsuccessfully. Over the years, he had developed a kind of radar that was sensitive to where she was and what she was doing at any given moment. At work sometimes he felt like he could sense even her slightest movements. It was as if the air shifted somehow, and suddenly he just knew where she was in the room, and what she was doing. It was those times that he had to remind himself that he was with Karen, and he should really work on his radar with her, not revel in his ability to read the women who had broken his heart.

Yet he couldn’t help but look over at her when she had walked into the bar. She found his eyes almost immediately, and Jim secretly wondered if her radar for him was a honed as his was for her. She smiled timidly at him and then looked away hastily as if nervous to be caught looking at him. He watched her walk across the room to the office table and sit down. She began conversing with her co-workers and from her body language he could tell she was rather uncomfortable with the whole situation. He knew her well enough to know that social outings with her co-workers were not her favorite pastime. He felt an urge to go to her and say or do something to help her relax, to make her smile. But he knew it wasn’t his place anymore. It would never be his place. Either by his own choosing or by hers, they seemed to never be able to get it right.

“Hey man, your turn,” Kevin said, breaking him from his train of distracted thoughts.

Two games later, Jim was $20 richer, and Kevin’s frustration was becoming visible. Jim had won easily as he had spent many a night playing pool with his friends over the past few years. Jim had been glancing furtively over to the table, catching glimpses of Pam laughing nervously, or trying desperately to pretend to listen to Kelly’s rambling sentences. Despite her clear discomfort, she looked beautiful tonight. She wore a low cut red top he had never seen before with a pair of jeans. He also noticed the striking effect of her hair loose around her shoulders. He had to force himself to think of Karen when his eyes lingered a little too long. She might not be there, but he was with her now, and she deserved better than him longing after another woman.

“Hey man, let’s make this next game more interesting. Loser finishes their drink and buys next round,” Jim suggested. He had done this with friends in college, and had usually won because he was significantly more able to handle his liquor than his friends had ever been. But if he lost, he figured the increased alcohol might dull the sharp pangs he felt when his eyes fixated on Pam.

As Kevin reset the balls, Jim glanced back over to the table to find Pam’s eyes on him. She blushed and looked away hastily, clearly not wishing to be caught looking at him either.

He forced himself to focus on the pool game, and though his mind wandered only a few times, he still managed to lose. As he finished his third beer of the evening, he could feel the warmth of the alcohol start to permeate through him, making him feel more alive and daring. Though the object of his challenging Kevin had been to dull his senses, he found instead that they were more alive and hungry. He looked over to the table more regularly now, as if daring her to look back. For the most part she kept her eyes trained on her co-workers or her drink, which just served to infuriate his senses more.

He and Kevin continued their next game. Jim was both trying desperately to get a hold of himself, and daring himself to look at her longer.

From the moment she had walked in the bar, Pam had felt Jim’s eyes on her. She had tried to keep from meeting his gaze, feeling as though the intensity of it might burn her. Though she chatted with Kelly and Phyllis, she felt his every glance. She could sense the frequency of his looks increase the longer she sat there. Both fear and pleasure coursed through her veins. She was somewhat frightened by the boldness of his stare, but was pleased that she could still elicit such attention from him. But she knew it wasn’t her place to be the focus of such attention, and it frustrated her a little that he was putting her in that position.

Her nervous chatting with her co-workers had resulted in her drinking her two drinks a little too quickly, and soon she started to feel a buzz developing. She was more relaxed now, but also more daring. In fact, when Kelly asked her if she wanted to come into the next room with them where the DJ was playing some dance music, she assented much more quickly than she would have under any other circumstances.

When she stood and walked with Kelly and Ryan into the next room, she felt him follow her with his eyes. Maybe he would follow, she thought, but quickly pushed that thought away. No, he couldn’t follow. Though that thought saddened her slightly, she quickly became determined to have fun and dance, even if she was a dorky dancer. It didn’t matter what he did. This was for her. She was taking a step forward, not back.

Aside from the initial awkwardness of dancing with Kelly and Ryan, Pam was really having fun. She felt herself let loose for the first time in a long time. She laughed when Kelly tried to teach her new, less awkward, ways of dancing. She smiled when she felt the men around her look her up and down. She even agreed to have a few drinks with Kelly and Ryan when the waitress with a tray full of multicolored shots walked by. She was feeling really good, which she attributed to the alcohol, the music, and the fact that she was letting herself just relax and have fun.

She had been having so much fun that she hadn’t noticed Jim had entered the room until about ten minutes later. He was seated at the bar, watching the three of them dance. She made eye contact with him once and was somewhat surprised by the unveiled hunger she saw in his eyes as he watched her. The surprise quickly turned into pleasure. He couldn’t contain his desire when it came to her. He wanted her. It was written all of his face. But he had been the one to choose someone else this time. She had had to suffer the pain of watching him with Karen every single day. She had been blatantly ignored, hardly treated as even an acquaintance. But tonight, he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. She suddenly felt incredibly powerful and strong. He was watching her, and she wanted him to see what he couldn’t have now, because of the choice he had made.

It was torture watching her dance. When he had first come in, he had almost laughed out loud at the sight of her somewhat unconventional dancing, but as she lost herself in the music more, she became more fluid in her movements. He sat at the bar, ordering another beer. He was struck by his desire to be there, dancing with her, laughing with her. But he had to stay put. Just because Karen wasn’t there did not mean he could entertain his fantasies about Pam. Karen deserved better than that. He noted that that was the second time that night he had thought about Karen deserving better. He looked away, taking a sizable sip of his drink.

When his eyes found her again, she was not alone. Kelly and Ryan had moved away slightly, and Jim could clearly see that Pam was dancing with some random guy Jim had never seen before. A primal protection instinct boosted his adrenaline, and he felt the urge to go to her, and protect her from this jerk. But then he saw that she was laughing and engaged with the guy. A surge of jealous anger pulsed through him. If he had not had four drinks already, he probably would have been able to be more rational about the whole thing. If Pam wanted to dance with some random guy, that was her business. But instead, he felt jealousy rise like bile in his throat. He wanted to pummel the guy for even looking at her. And though the rational side of him tried to convince him otherwise with thoughts of Karen, he stood up and moved toward them.

Pam smiled warmly at the friendly face of Chris, the man she had been dancing with throughout the last song or two. He had introduced himself between songs, saying he was a local real estate agent. He seemed to be a nice guy, just interested in dancing with her a little. She was having fun, and deep down, she knew what seeing her with someone else must be doing to Jim. She had glanced over at him once to find his face plastered with shock, and deeper down she thought she could sense jealousy in his eyes. This just made her feel even more powerful, and she pushed on, becoming even more visibly friendly with Chris.

She was looking at Chris and smiling when she felt Jim’s hand on her lower back. The place where it rested felt practically seared by his touch. Suddenly all her senses were at high alert. She whipped her head around to look up at him, but his eyes were trained on Chris, clearly conveying possessiveness. Chris, somewhat startled by Jim’s appearance, looked down at Pam and then quickly back up at Jim.

“Hey, sorry man, I didn’t know,” Chris said apologetically. He turned away and headed for the bar, and before Pam knew what was happening, he was gone.

“What are you doing?” she asked Jim pointedly, still feeling his hand resting on her back.

“Saving you from that guy,” Jim replied, offering a tight smile.

Before Pam could protest that she didn’t need saving, and nor was it his place to do the saving, she heard Kelly practically screaming with joy that Jim had finally joined them on the dance floor. Pam felt his hand drop from her back, and her pulse begin to return to some state of normalcy. She peered up at him, surprised and somewhat annoyed that he had “come to her rescue”. Who did he think he was, acting like he owned her. She felt the rage tickle her stomach; it felt good to indulge it. He had no right to interfere with her dance partners. He was with Karen, not her.

He could feel her eyes boring into the side of his skull as he tried to stay focused on Kelly. He knew that he should have stayed in his seat, but he couldn’t watch that guy touch Pam anymore without feeling pure rage. That guy couldn’t just walk up and take Pam. It wasn’t right. Never mind that Jim had a girlfriend, he had to save Pam from this sleaze ball. Unfortunately, because of the alcohol he hadn’t thought far enough ahead to reflect on the potential consequences of his interference. Clearly she hadn’t wanted Jim’s help getting rid of this guy, which truthfully just made him even angrier. But now he didn’t know what to say, how to act. He knew he had stepped in where he shouldn’t have. He had to get out of this situation, and fast. He had Karen to consider after all.

“Yeah, I’m actually gonna get going I think,” Jim heard himself say to the group of them, “you guys have fun though!” he said with a wave, retreating toward the other room where the rest of their co-workers sat.

Pam glared after him. What the hell was he doing? Just going to “save” her and then leave? He didn’t get to have it both ways. He couldn’t just not acknowledge her for weeks and then come in to save the day just to leave again. It wasn’t fair. And she was livid.

She felt herself walked determinedly after him as if pulled by an invisible string, heedless of the confused look from Kelly. She reached him as he was nearly out the door to the bar.

“What the hell was that?” she demanded, a little too loudly.

Jim turned to face her, clearly disconcerted that they would be discussing this in front of the entire office. “Let’s go outside,” he said, holding the door for her as she hurriedly grabbed her coat from the nearby table. She felt the eyes of all her co-workers on them as they left the bar, but she didn’t care. She was too angry to care.

“Jim, seriously, what the hell?” she asked again, her anger fueled by both the alcohol and the situation.

Jim turned to face her, looking trapped. “I just…” he started, clearly not having thought about how he would explain this to her if she asked. “He was all over you Pam” he finished lamely.

“His name is Chris,” she retorted, “and he was not all over me. We were dancing. Besides, since when is it your place to interfere with my life? You already have a girlfriend,” she spat, her emotion rising with the last statement.

Jim looked at her, just taking her in. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair a little unruly, though still flowing around her shoulders. Her eyes met his and blazed with anger and passion. He had never seen her look so alive, so incredible. He felt the crushing weight of his mistake. She wasn’t his to defend. He might have wanted to be the one to defend her, but it wasn’t his place. He looked down to his feet, frustrated and ashamed.

When his eyes met hers again, he noticed hers had softened, concern beginning to seep its way into the depths of her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, looking down again, “It’s just…” he stopped. He looked up at her again, fully aware of the emotion he was conveying with his look. He saw her start slightly, as if she felt it too, and was a little frightened by its intensity. He shrugged slightly, the alcohol intensifying his honesty “It’s you Pam.”

She felt her stomach jolt inside of her. What did he mean? Did he mean that he cared about her as a friend, so of course he would come protect her? Or did he mean that he couldn’t bear to watch her be with another man again? The thoughts rolled through her mind one after another. She couldn’t come up with anything to say. She felt trapped under the intensity of his gaze.

Though he knew he was being cryptic, he was being honest with her for the first time since last May, and it felt good. He felt like he was really looking at her for the first time since that night in the parking lot. She was as beautiful to him now as she was then. He knew his feelings for her would never really change. She would always be a part of him in some way. He knew full well that he was transparent, that his eyes conveyed his every emotion, and for once, he didn’t hold back. She deserved to know it all.

And she drank it up, every last bit of it that she could reach from him, she devoured hungrily. She realized that he did still love her, she could read it in his eyes. She knew she should look away, say something, because they were headed to dangerous ground, but she craved more from him.

He raised his hand to her arm, stroking it gently with his thumb. She felt the air escape her lungs. He moved closer to her, as if drawn by a magnet. He needed to touch her as he had longed to do ever since that night. His hand traveled up her arm to her face. She stood frozen, unable to move though she knew what was about to happen. His face moved closer to her own, his eyes still locked with hers. She had wanted this, him, for so long, and here he was right in front of her. But it wasn’t that easy. There were other things to consider. As much as she knew she would hate herself the next morning, she knew she had to stop him.

“Jim…” she whispered, stopping him. She paused, almost unable to manage the formation of the next word. “Karen…” she trailed off.

At her mention of Karen’s name he stepped back, removing his hand from her face. He felt like he had been slapped. Here he was, ready to put it all on the line, again, and here she was, rejecting him, again. Deep down he knew he should have been the one to think of Karen, and how this affected her, but his anger at Pam’s unwillingness to accept him outweighed his rational thought.

She watched as his face hardened. The eyes that had been so full moments before were suddenly cold and reserved. He was angry, and though she knew it was right to mention the existence of Karen before he did something he couldn’t take back, she felt the suffocating weight of his anger press down on her.

He stepped back away from her, shoving his hands in his pockets, his eyes fixating on the ground between them. She had refused him again. When he thought she finally understood and that maybe they could move forward, she had rejected him again. The anger boiled up inside of him. He knew he needed to get away from her.

His eyes met hers once more, clearly conveying his pain, anger and confusion. She knew that though she had done the right thing, the damage was done. And it broke her heart.

He brushed past her walking with his hands shoved in his pockets, his chin to his chest. It was over.

As he walked away, she felt her tears begin to fall, their comforting, healing heat caressing her face as they made their way down her cheeks. She realized solemnly that this was the second time in the last year that she had been left alone as he walked away into the blackness of night.

~~~
Pam stood outside the bar, her head in her hand as she cried. She had lost him, again. She had done the right thing and it had cost her everything she had wanted for so long. Jim was furious, she could tell. As much as she wanted to go after him to try to explain, she knew that would only make things worse. So there she stood, attempting not to lose every ounce of her composure in the parking lot of the bar.

She pressed the heel of her hand to her cheek and wiped hard, hoping that like sandpaper on wood, she could scrape away the stain of her sorrow, leaving behind only the true core of herself. She knew that any moment someone would come out the doors and ask if she was alright. She didn’t feel like facing the embarrassment of being seen crying outside a bar. That was just a little too cliché for her taste.

She pulled herself together the best she could. She knew this wasn’t the end of her tears, but she had to put on a brave face, at least until she could get home.

But the thought of going home, alone, after everything that had happened was agonizing. She didn’t want to sit and wallow in her pajamas with a giant bucket of ice cream yet; it was too much like giving up. So she raised her head from her hands, took a deep shuddering breath and made up her mind to go back inside. She figured she could at least talk to Kelly for a while so that her mind would be somewhat occupied with whatever mindless drivel Kelly wanted to talk about.

It took all her strength to walk back in the doors, and she felt the eyes of all her coworkers follow her over the threshold. She felt her panic rise, and her desire to run was almost overwhelming, but the calmer, more collected version of herself made her put one foot in front of the other in search of Kelly.

For once, the fact that she could not find Kelly anywhere was extremely frustrating. Pam realized she was probably in the bathroom, or out back making out with Ryan. With a heavy sigh, Pam returned to the quieter portion of the bar and found an empty stool in the corner, far enough away from the office table to go unnoticed.

She had been sitting there for a few minutes, sipping a drink while struggling to convince herself to stay put rather than run crying from the bar. Her buzz was wearing off, which just made everything worse. She had lost almost all her resolve and was ready to bolt when she heard a voice behind her.

“Hey, it’s Pam right?”

She turned in her seat to find Chris’s warm face smiling down at her. She was surprised to find that he was still there, and even more surprised that he was brave enough to talk to her after the death look he had received from Jim.

“Uh, yeah,” she laughed nervously, “that’s me.”

“Are you okay?” Chris asked, a concerned look crossing his face as he looked at her. She realized that the residual effects of her earlier tears were probably prominently evident on her face. She mentally kicked herself for not making a pit stop in the bathroom before sitting down.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, shaking her head, “It’s been a bit of a rough night.”

“Yeah, about earlier, I’m really sorry. I had no idea you were with someone…”

“Oh I’m not with him,” Pam interjected hastily. There could be no mistake on that point, she thought ruefully to herself. “I don’t know what he was doing.”

“But you do know him right?” Chris asked, a confused expression clouding his features.

“Yeah,” Pam paused, unsure of how to proceed, “we used to be close, but not anymore.” It physically hurt to say it out loud but she forced herself to suppress the pain.

“Ah,” Chris responded, pausing slightly, “I’m sorry.” Pam looked up to see his face full genuine empathy. She felt her eyes well up with tears again, not because of Jim, but because of the kindness of a stranger. She forced herself to smile slightly back up at him.

“So what brings you here tonight?” Chris asked, diverting conversation to safer topics, for which Pam was grateful. He pulled up the recently emptied bar stool next to Pam’s chair and sat down.

“Actually, I’m here for an office thing,” Pam began.

“Ah, those things are always the worst,” Chris responded knowingly.

“Tell me about it,” Pam said, smiling slightly and rolling her eyes. It felt good to smile.

“Where do you work?”

“Um, well it’s nothing too glamorous,” Pam said, suddenly nervous that this perfect stranger might think worse of her for being a mere receptionist. “I’m a receptionist at Dunder Mifflin.”

After receiving a blank look from Chris, which she had expected, she continued, “It’s a mid-range paper supply company…think Staples on a much smaller scale.”

“Ah. Sounds….how shall I say…fascinating” he said, smiling at her.

Pam laughed slightly, “Oh yeah, it’s thrilling. My boss is slightly crazy though, so that adds to the entertainment value.”

“Nice,” Chris said laughing, “Crazy how?”

“Well, he’s kinda like a 12 year old boy trapped in a man’s body.”

Chris laughed at this, and Pam smiled in return. She noted that her smiles were becoming larger and more genuine the longer the conversation carried on. It felt so good to smile and laugh again. It was like her happiness was breaking down the anger and sadness that had accumulated around her. She craved more, if for no other reason than to not be sad, even if just for a while.

As their conversation continued, she felt the urge to tell him all about Michael and all her other coworkers. She began to tell him stories about Michael’s desire to make everyone in the office like him, Dwight’s strange obsession with bobble head dolls and star wars, Stanley’s ability to do crossword puzzles no matter what was going on around him, Angela’s ability to be mean and condescending to everyone, Phyllis’s inability to stand up to Angela, the annual Dundies awards show, the office Olympics, the thing Todd Packer did to Michael’s carpet, and the fact that had just had a funeral for a bird a few weeks before. He listened to her every word, and laughed at her descriptions. When he told her he couldn’t believe this was real, she told him that she would not be working as a receptionist at a failing paper company if she was could just make this stuff up. Surely there were great careers for people with those kinds of imaginations.

Oddly enough, the more she told Chris about her life in the office, the better she felt. It was like she could purge all her sadness by telling him the ridiculous stories about what happened on a daily basis in the office. She felt lighter and more relaxed than she could remember feeling in a long time. She had been so focused on her feelings for Jim these past few weeks that she had been unable to really find happiness in anything in her life. Even her drawing was suffering. But sitting there talking to Chris was like opening up all the windows to allow the sunshine to fill a dark, dank room. He was genuinely interested in her, and what she had to say. It was easy to talk to him. He was refreshingly funny, sincere, and kind.

She couldn’t help reflect that her current conversation with Chris brought with it none of the baggage that she and Jim had to battle every time they even looked at one another. With Chris it was easy, uncomplicated, and Pam was reveling in the feeling of freedom from the weight of her past.

They talked for over an hour, and Pam thoroughly enjoyed the gentle banter back and forth between them. However, she started to get sleepy from the mix of the alcohol and the late hour. She found herself stifling a yawn.

“Am I boring you?” Chris asked teasingly.

“No!” Pam said quickly, smiling warmly at him, “I’m just exhausted. Alcohol makes me sleepy.”

“Well, we should probably get you home then. Are you okay to drive?”

“Actually I walked. I don’t live too far from here.” Pam thought to herself that it was a bit odd that she was offering that information to a man who an hour ago had been a complete stranger.

“Do you want a lift?”

“No, I’d like the walk, but thanks.”

“Okay,” Chris paused, as if contemplating his next move. “I had a really great time with you tonight Pam.”

“Yeah, me too” Pam responded, smiling warmly.

“I’d really like to see you again sometime...” he trailed off, as if hoping she pick up on the hint. She did, but she was stricken to muteness by her sudden inability to process the situation. Was he going to ask her out? Like on a real date? How should she respond? Did she want to see him again? Could she see him again?

He seemed to realize she had succumbed to momentary paralysis at his implication, but he continued on.

“Can I get your phone number? Then I could call you and we could maybe go to dinner or something.” He wasn’t backing down. She had to make a choice. Should she go out with a guy she hardly knew? Why not? She wasn’t seeing anyone. She enjoyed his company and they had had a really good time together. It couldn’t hurt to give him her number. After all, she didn’t have to answer her phone when he called. She could put off deciding until he called her. If he called her.

Her mind traveled briefly to Jim. But this wasn’t about Jim. This was about her. She had to take control of her life. She was sick of being miserable. She was sick of spending the weekends wallowing in her apartment. With Chris she had felt happy again, and she wanted that feeling to continue. So, she would make a decision; for herself.

She suddenly realized she hadn’t spoken, letting the awkward silence stretch between them while she chased her thoughts around inside her head. “Uh, yeah, sure,” she said dumbly. She made a mental note to work on coherent responses for next time. If there would be a next time of course. She scribbled her number on the bar napkin in front of her, and again felt ridiculously cliché. Here she had met a guy, at a bar, and was giving him her phone number on a napkin. Wow.

“Alright, well I’ll call you then.” Chris smiled, clearly happy to have received her phone number.

“Okay, sounds good. Goodnight!” She picked up her coat and headed toward the door. She felt light and happy. She felt attractive and special. She thought maybe her future would be more promising than it had seemed just a few hours prior. She was taking control of her own life, rather than letting him determine her happiness. It was up to her now. She waved to her remaining co-workers still holed up at the corner table and felt incredibly free as she strode out the doors into the cold wintry night.

She smiled to herself as she made the short walk home, feeling the chill in the air pierce through her lungs, revitalizing her. This had not been the outcome she had been expecting, but even so, it had turned out to be a pretty good day.

~~~~~

Jim woke up on Saturday morning with the worst hangover he had experienced since his freshman year of college. He opened his eyes slowly, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He tried to bring the pictures that hung there into focus, but it was of little use as they seemed determined to remain giant blobs of color.

As he rolled over and faced his clock, trying to make out the tiny glowing green digits, the memories of the previous night began to trickle through his sluggish brain. With a jolt to his stomach, which almost contributed to him requiring the garbage can he had placed precariously beside his bed the night before, he recalled how vibrant Pam had looked the previous night, and how happy she had seemed...with him. With that Chris guy from the bar.

Jim closed his eyes and tried to avoid the onslaught of memories, but they began pulsating through his mind, heedless of his silent requests for peace.

*****
He had left her standing there, in the parking lot of the bar. He had needed to get away from her. She had essentially refused him again and had instead mentioned Karen, which had made him incredibly angry. Later he couldn’t decide whether he was angry with her for mentioning Karen when he wanted to forget her, or whether he was angry at himself for not being the one to think of Karen first.

He had walked for about forty-five minutes, feeling the cool night air calm the flush on his cheeks that had been created by both the alcohol and the confrontation. His mind raced trying to make sense of the evening. Initially his blood boiled with anger and frustration, but soon the mixture of the cool air and his own rationality began to calm him. He knew he had perhaps been too bold, and pushed too far. But when she looked so alive, he found it hard to resist her. Though he was dating Karen, he couldn’t deny the effect that Pam had on him, even after everything. As much as he had tried to push his feelings for her down into the deep recesses of himself where hopelessness reigned supreme, he knew that he was still in love with her.

And it was moments like that in the parking lot of the bar where his true self began to make an attempt at expressing his deepest longings. He had desperately wanted her to hear him, to believe him, to take him, to love him in return, regardless of the ramifications. But she, level-headed, kind-hearted Pam had been stronger than he had been. She had thought of Karen above herself. And for that, Jim found that he loved her even more.

He knew he had to decide what he was going to do. Clearly he would avoid telling Karen about his little outburst. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t deny that he wasn’t certain he even wanted to be with Karen anymore. But if he broke it off with Karen, there was still no guarantee that Pam would want to be with him. He thought for sure she had wanted something more tonight. But then again, he had thought that before and been dead wrong.

By the time Jim had returned to the bar, he had made up his mind to avoid Pam, and just not mention anything to Karen. Though he felt a twinge of guilt for keeping his interaction with Pam from his girlfriend, he knew in the long run, it was probably for the best. Though Karen was never, and could never be Pam, she provided a sense of safety and genuine happiness that Jim hesitated to part from in order to spend an eternity longing after a woman who had refused him consistently in the past.

He had figured Pam had left the parking lot for home long before, so he walked back into the bar to get his coat and say goodbye to his coworkers. As he scanned the crowded bar, his eyes had stopped immediately at a sight in the corner, tucked away from the eyes of intruding watchers.

Pam was still there. She was smiling. She was laughing. But not with her coworkers.

She was with Chris.

The recognition hit Jim like a ton of bricks to the side of his head. He had tried to tear his eyes away, but they remained glued to the scene as if determined to torture him further. She looked happy. Much happier than she had been just an hour before. He could tell she wasn’t faking her laughs and smiles as she had been earlier with their coworkers. Instead, she seemed to be genuinely enjoying Chris’s company.

Though Jim had continued to stare at her, she appeared to be completely oblivious of his presence. She continued to share laughs and smiles with Chris that, up until that moment, Jim had thought had been reserved only for him and their stolen moments in the office.

Jim felt his heart drop. His eyes confirmed his worst trepidations. She didn’t want him. She was just as happy with someone else. It wasn’t about him anymore. It would never really be about him.

He had left the bar as quickly as possible and went immediately home, found the bottle of Jack Daniels in the top cupboard in the kitchen, and sat on the couch staring blankly at the TV, drinking straight from the bottle. He just wanted to dull the pain; to not think about her or him, or their laughing together.

Later, he somehow had managed to make it to his bedroom, collapsing then on the bed with his work clothes still on.

*****
Now Saturday morning, he was forced to relive the entire night again in his memory, only this time with a killer headache. He wanted desperately to fall back to sleep and ignore the sun peeking through his window, but he knew he would not be able to sleep. So instead, he pulled himself out of bed and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.

As he stood there ten minutes later, sipping his coffee gently, he determined that he would not allow himself to wallow today. He had been depressed long enough over Pam. If she was moving on, he couldn’t let it affect him. Karen was coming back Sunday night, so he had a day and a half that he had to keep himself busy not thinking about his social life. He found a pen and the pad of paper stuck to his refrigerator that read “Shopping List” and sat down at the kitchen table. He would make a list of all the things he had been meaning to do for months, but had never gotten around to actually attempting. Instead of retiring to his own personal hell, today he was determined to be proactive and accomplished.

As he began jotting down various errands and activities, he could feel his hangover abating and he began to feel a little better about his situation. He found himself wishing he had discovered this method of coping sooner. Maybe he could have avoided some of the agony he had felt after last May.

Pushing thoughts of Pam, Chris, and Karen from his mind, he clamored to his bedroom, threw on some gym clothes, grabbed his basketball and headed out the door. The guys would still be playing for another hour or so, and it just so happened that “playing ball” was the first item on his to-do list.

*****
“Hey”

“Hi”

Karen stepped through his front door, smiling genuinely and embracing him in a warm hug. Jim smiled in return, leading her into the living room where she plopped down on his couch.

Jim had managed to spend the rest of his weekend busily running errands, cleaning his apartment, working out, and just generally avoiding having to think about anything regarding his rather complicated social life. Aside from a few meanderings into dangerous territory, his mind had maintained a clear course for most of the weekend.

Now as Karen sat on his couch, recounting her weekend with her family, he felt a warmth travel through him. He enjoyed listening to her talk, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile. He enjoyed being with her. She made him happy. He appreciated that more today than he had in a long time. Her presence was soothing and comfortable. He silently wondered why he had ever thought he wanted to be without her.

“So how was your weekend here? How was the office party on Friday?” Karen asked, raising a slightly suspicious eyebrow, “Was Michael threatening to banish me from the ‘family’ for not being there?”

“Unfortunately, yes. In fact, I’m in charge of collecting your ‘Michael-Scott-Dunder-Mifflin-family-member-card’ and I’ve been instructed to destroy it immediately,” Jim responded genially. Though he wanted to elicit a giggle from Karen, he was also partially trying to deflect the question without seeming to be withholding information. Regardless of his newly rediscovered appreciation for Karen, he didn’t want to push his luck by telling her the complete rundown of Friday night.

She pushed harder though, asking “Did you have a good time at least?”

“It was alright, nothing too exciting happened really…I mean aside from Dwight almost sticking the pool stick cue up his nose”

Karen snorted with laughter, clearly trying to picture a scenario where Dwight might “accidentally” have stuck a cue up his nose.

He gladly recounted the story in vivid detail, enjoying every sound of laughter she uttered. They continued their conversation, enjoying each other’s company after a weekend apart. Jim would have been content to sit there with her all night. The thought that Pam might be enjoying a similar evening with Chris flitted through the back of his mind, but he quickly pushed it away, determined to focus on the woman before him, rather than the one he couldn’t have.

Karen left his apartment early that night, saying she needed to finish unpacking from her trip, but that she would see him in the morning before work for breakfast. When he closed the door behind her he let out a light, content sigh. He could finally remember what it was like to be happy, to enjoy his life. He was determined to continue to pursue that feeling. He didn’t need the drama that the saga with Pam brought to his life. It didn’t make him a happier person; in fact he was more miserable when he thought about it. He knew that in some ways he might never really get over her, but he was determined to be happy without her.

That night as he fell asleep, his thoughts were filled not with Pam’s laughter and smiles, but with Karen’s. He slept better that night than he had in a very long time.