Disclaimer: The Office and its characters do not belong to me. I'm just having a little fun with them. I claim no affiliation, so don't sue me, please! I need that money for law school!

“Roy, I don’t want to marry you,” she says one night. He is halfway through a box of pizza and a six-pack, and she is sitting quietly across from him picking at the pepperonis on her plate. The television is blaring from the other room so Roy won’t miss a moment of whatever sacred sporting even they’re showing on ESPN right now, and he barely even looks at her when she makes this declaration.

“Huh, Babe?” he asks, a mouth still full with pizza.

“I said, I don’t want to marry you anymore,” she repeats herself. It’s the most daring thing she’s ever done before, and she realises immediately it’s an utterly sad commentary on her life. She feels more brave in this instant than ever before.

She’s tried this more than once, and she knows what awaits her. Defying Roy is both dangerous and impossible. He doesn’t like her speaking her mind, and he likes it even less when speaking her mind means denying him something he wants. He’s taken his sweet time committing to her, but now he has. The wedding is paid for, the band is booked, the dress is bought, the tuxedo is rented. Everything is set for their wedding just weeks away. And suddenly she’s telling him no. Not anymore. She doesn’t want his ring and his house and his babies. She doesn’t want this life he’s going to give her that’s really no life at all. She doesn’t want him. She knows what this is going to mean for her, but for once, she’s not afraid. For years the punches were enough to subdue her. But lately, her desire to deny him has grown exponentially. Tonight, her desire for a different life surpasses her desire to stay safe. She knows all of this is directly related to a certain salesman who sits across from her, a salesman who knows her better than Roy ever has or ever will. He supports her dreams, encourages her to want more, inspires her to be more.

That makes Jim Halpert almost more dangerous than Roy Anderson. Wanting more than Roy and the life he gives her always ends badly. She knows this, and yet she loves him anyway. He makes her laugh more than anyone she’s ever known. He treats her with respect. She looks forward to her boring job because she gets to see him, gets to escape the painful reality of her life at home.

Two days ago, he ruined that. He destroyed their easy, fun relationship by confessing his true feelings. Of course, she’s lying if she says she didn’t know they were there all along. She’s seen it in every sidelong glance and smile, but she’s ignored it, pretended it didn’t exist because she knew it could never be. Not with Roy in the picture, and he would never let her go. Every day she’s daydreamed about going back to the start ten years ago, about saying no the first time Roy asked her out. Every time she’s looked up and seen that look on Jim’s face, she’s imagined what would have happened if they had both been availble when they first met.

But if Roy has taught her anything, it’s that dreams are just dreams. Silly and unattainable and completely impractical. For a while, the fantasies were enough.

Jim, however, was not content with daydreams and too-short moments. He saw his last chance slipping away and seized it. But she was scared, and she said no. He turned around and walked away from her, and for two days, she lay in bed with her knees tucked to her chest, replaying those moments over and over again in her head.

Tonight, something finally snapped in her mind. Sitting here at the table watching what she’s about to give her life to, she realises whatever happens as a result of this decision is better than spending the rest of her life married to this man and longing for another. So when he slams down his beer can on the kitchen table, she barely even blinks. She’s taking a chance now. A chance on happiness, a chance on him.

Roy is almost too stunned to react. He never expected her to end this, especially when he is so close to complete control of her life. His shock probably actually saves her from experiencing his true wrath, and she is more than grateful when she slips away before his rage reaches its full potential. A few bruises and an immense waves of overwhelming relief are the only souvenirs left over from ten years of hurt and pain and suffering.

She is free. She is finally free.

She thinks about calling Jim and telling him the good news, but as she climbs into her car, she catches her own reflection in the glass. Tears stream down her cheeks, a few bruises mar her cheeks, and her t-shirt hangs strangely off her shoulder. She isn’t really in any condition to go see him right now, and she knows she needs time. Time to process, time to think, time to heal. As much as she wants to go to him and curl up in his arms, it isn’t fair to either of them to do it right now.

And now they have the rest of their lives. Roy is finally gone. She can finally kiss Jim and not fear the repercussions. She can finally, finally, finally love him without worrying about the danger she is putting him in.

So she rips the engagement ring off her finger and starts the car, waiting until she is on the highway before tossing the piece of worthless metal out the window. She feels a little better with each mile that separates her from the symbol of her imprisonment, and though she doesn’t have a clue where she’s going, she knows everything is going to be okay.

She can’t wait until Monday.

The grey sky spit rain on Pam’s car as she pulled into the parking lot at Dunder Mifflin, and she absently wondered how much longer until this seemingly perpetual rain eventually turned into snow. Even a few feet of snow would be better than days and days of rain. Her mood was already dark and gloomy without the weather adding to her depression, and the day was just beginning. She had the next eight hours of Michael being Michael to look forward to, followed by another drive in the rain back to her small, lonely, empty apartment. A microwave dinner and a half-empty bottle of wine were the only things waiting for her there, and when she finished them both, she would go to bed early and start all over again tomorrow.

Such was life in Scranton without Jim. All these years she put up with Michael’s antics, Dwight’s weirdness, and Angela’s glares with little more than mild irritation. Jim had a way of making it all so amusing instead of maddening. He made it a joke between them, a way to pass the time. With him sitting just a few feet away, answering phones at Dunder Mifflin didn’t seem like such a bad deal. For eight hours – and only those eight hours – she was happy. She was content being Pam. She was exactly who she wanted to be and she was exactly where she wanted to be. It didn’t matter what was waiting for her at home or what was waiting for her the rest of her life. As long as she had him for those eight hours a day, she would be okay with whatever else she received.

Now as she parked her care and stared up at the building, all she could think about was how much of her life she wasted here. She used to think it was fate that brought her here, that she was here for a reason. Roy suggested (read: demanded) she take this job so she would be nearby, so he would always know what she was doing. With her in close proximity, he could keep an eye on her and always be confident she wasn’t straying. But he didn’t count on his little plan backfiring. He didn’t count on Jim Halpert, so the joke was really on him. He thought her job here was giving him more control, and instead, it led her to the one man who eventually gave her the courage to escape. It was funny, at first, until she showed up to work on Monday morning, newly single and ready to start a new life, only to discover Jim was gone. So here she was, alone for the first time and realising just how terrible her life was without Jim Halpert in it.

Nothing made her laugh anymore. Michael still made asinine comments and called ridiculous meetings. Dwight was still a moron with way too many bobble heads. Kelly was still as crazy and obnoxious as ever, and Ryan was still reluctantly dealing with it. But none of it amused her. In fact, it all made her more depressed, more hopeless. This was her life, and every day she spent here was one less day she truly felt alive. Answering phones for a paper company was hardly the fantasy she imagined as a little girl, but what else did she have? She couldn’t just quit working and become an artist. Her rent was hard enough for her to handle on her own. Starting a brand new life at twenty-seven wasn’t really the ideal situation, so until she managed to save up some money, she was stuck here. Dunder Mifflin was taking her nowhere, Scranton was a far cry from Paris or London or even New York, and every day she felt a little more alone.

So maybe the joke was on her after all. Roy brought her to this place and gave her a chance to escape, but she waited too long to take it. Jim was the answer, but she hurt him too much to ever go back. She should have just held onto him when she had the chance. When his lips finally met hers, when his arms finally looped around her waist, when she finally cupped his face in her hands, she should never have let go. She deceived herself when she said she had time to figure it out. She spent ten years with a man who used her, manipulated her, and hurt her in every way. Ten years going nowhere, ten years that almost became a lifetime. The moment Jim Halpert confessed he was in love with her, she should have marched straight to Roy and told him it was over. At the time every instinct in her brain screamed yes, but her desire to protect herself and Jim won out for two long, painful days. When she finally decided to get away, she didn’t think those two days would matter. She hadn’t seen the urgency and the desperation in Jim’s eyes. She didn’t realise his confession was the last thing keeping him in Scranton. The moment she turned him down, she lost him forever, and she should have known from the single tear he shed.

Maybe she didn’t want to see it. She was a coward after all. Only a coward would stay for ten years of Roy’s bullshit and actually consider more. Only a coward would turn down her best friend. Jim wanted her, wanted to be with her, wanted to help her make all her dreams come true. Jim would buy a house with a terrace, even if they had to leave Scranton. Jim wanted her to take the internship. He wanted her to be an artist, and more than that, he believed she could. He believed in everything she did. So how could she even entertain the notion of marrying someone whose only concern was himself? It was insane and stupid and now there was nothing left for her at Dunder Mifflin except stale memories and ghosts of the past. Pranks they played, laughter they shared, wistful smiles, post-it notes and instant messages and stolen touches and oh-so-many daydreams. The things that used to get her through the day now haunted her hours, and the job that once felt like escape now felt like a prison. Jim was the only thing that made this place feel okay. Jim was the only one who made her feel okay. She wanted to be angry with him for abandoning her without even telling her about the promotion, but at the end of the day, she knew it was no one’s fault but her own.

Stamford felt so impossibly far away. Maybe it was just a phone call or a drive, but every time she picked up the phone and thought about dialling the numbers, she realised the distance was about so much more than miles. There was a reason he didn’t tell her he was leaving soon. He wanted her to tell him she loved him without being coerced. If he told her he was leaving she just might have said anything to keep him from leaving her here alone. He wanted her own confession to be as sincere and heartfelt as his, and if he told her he was leaving, it would almost be an ultimatum. Love me or I’m gone forever. Her refusal, not the distance, was what made him so far away from her. So much hurt filled the miles between them, and she didn’t know how to make it right.

He loved her. He spent years of his life loving her and receiving nothing in return. She had a million and one chances to reciprocate, to get some guts and actually love him back instead of offering little bits and pieces of herself. As much as she wanted to call him and tell him about Roy, about what had really been happening all these years, she wasn’t even sure he wanted to hear it anymore. Too little too late. Would it really make a difference now if he knew? Would he even care after what she did to him? She used him almost as much as Roy used her. She asked him to be her saviour, but she didn’t even have the courage to tell him what he was saving her from. She had her chance, and she let it slip right through her fingers. She didn’t deserve another, so every time she thought about jumping into her car and driving to Connecticut, she thought about the pain on his face when she said no and reconsidered.

It was far too late. There would be no going back now. And at least she wasn’t with Roy anymore. At least she had a new apartment that was hers and hers alone. It wasn’t much, but she was on her own for the first time in her life. She tried to think about that every time the despair dragged her into its inky depths, reminding herself over and over that she was finally free. There was no yelling to make dinner or retrieve a beer from the fridge. There was no one screaming and throwing punches when he got too drunk. She could watch what she wanted on TV. She could paint whenever she felt like it without feeling the need to hide. She could get online and look at pictures of houses with terraces and daydream about a life in which that was possible.

But she missed him. God, she missed him so much. She missed playing pranks, missed jelly beans and grape soda and jinxes. She missed the predictable ham and cheese sandwich and the floppy haircut that kept him looking so young. She missed the smile that made her feel like everything was going to be okay, even when the bruises lurked beneath her clothes and screamed that nothing was alright. She missed conversations about music that wasn’t on the Top 40 and movies they couldn’t find in Scranton and oh my gosh, that ridiculous thing Dwight did this morning. She missed the looks, the jokes, the expressions. She missed absolutely everything that made him so uniquely him. She told him once she would blow her brains out if he ever left, and she was just now realising how very true that was.

By the time she realised she was still sitting in her car thinking about Jim, she was already twenty minutes late for work. Every day her tardiness became a bit more of a problem, but Dwight was the only one who really seemed to notice. Even twenty minutes late she beat Michael here, so it really didn’t matter. At this point, she wasn’t sure how much losing her job would really affect her anyway.

When she wandered upstairs and listlessly hung up her coat, not even Dwight seemed to notice she was late. If he did, maybe he’d actually developed enough sensitivity to realise she was spiralling downward and just leave her alone about her rather minor transgression. The light on the phone wasn’t flashing red, so no one had probably called to buy paper this morning anyway.

After an hour, she was already exceptionally bored again. Michael was in trouble for something he’d done – or hadn’t done – and was locked in his office trying to explain himself to Jan. After three games of free cell and two faxes, her mind drifted to its usual resting point – Jim. She wondered if he’d even heard anything about the wedding. Sometimes when things were especially dull, she started to daydream about him hearing the news….from Phyllis, maybe, or Kelly. Kelly would definitely tell him more than he ever wanted to know. And then there was Michael with his meddling. Maybe someday soon he would hear from someone that the wedding never happened, and he would be back in Scraton to sweep her into his arms and rescue her from the loneliness and self-loathing now encompassing her life. He only stayed away because he didn’t want to sit by and watch her become Mrs. Roy Anderson, but the moment he found out she was still just Pam Beesly - his Pam Beesly – he would come retrieve her, maybe take her to Stamford with him, far away from the catastrophe she made for herself here.

It was a silly dream, and she knew despite the fantasy, she needed to be the one to rescue herself. He could only do so much to help her, and she already relied on him for far too long. Even though she missed him with every fibre of her being, the rational, sane part of her mind told her it was right he wasn’t here. Not now. Not yet. It would so easy to fall into a brand new relationship when she still worse so many scars – literal and figurative – from the old one. It wasn’t Roy’s blows that hurt her the most. It was the words that cut to the bone, the inadequacies he heaped upon her, the way he made her feel so insignificant and worthless. If Jim loved her it couldn’t all be true, but it wasn’t fair to be with him when she was still so broken. She just wished she could look into the future and see if they were there together or if she really had done too little too late. If she was just waiting for the right timing, the right moment to call him and tell him the truth, being alone wouldn’t be so horribly painful. She could wait for him. She’d been waiting so long already….a few more months of healing wouldn’t be so bad. But every day that passed without a phone call or a text or an e-mail or an IM, she was sure she would never talk to him again.

And that thought was, quite simply, unbearable.

A month after he left Scranton, she started writing e-mails. She would type his address and his name and just start pouring out the thoughts.


Jim,

There are so many things I need to tell you. I don’t know quite where to start except to tell you I didn’t marry him. Two days after you kissed me and told me you loved me, I broke up with him. Maybe you’re wondering why it even took me two days to come to that conclusion. I guess maybe I’m wondering the same thing. It’s just that….we’d been together so long, and I was so afraid…

No, that wasn’t right. Too many excuses.

Jim,

As you’ve probably heard by now, I’m not married. Thank God, right? Pam Anderson? That’s just wrong.

No. As easy as it would be to use humour, this was one thing neither of them could laugh about.

Jim,

Hey, how’s Stamford? Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? I’m guessing you knew about it long before Casino Night. Is that what you were going to tell me? Is that what you really wanted to say when you confessed that you loved me? Maybe that would have been a better way to start. “Hey Pam, I can’t be around you anymore when you’re with him, so I’m moving to Stamford and out of your life forever.” It might have made me think twice before I rejected you.

Too harsh. It wasn’t his fault she was a coward.

Jim,

Dwight has become more strange since you left. Impossible, you say? Well, just wait until you hear this…

Yeah, right. Like she could just pretend nothing ever happened. He would delete that e-mail and never think about her again.

And then there was one. It was the only one that sounded right, the only one that would adequately convey what was happening, what she was feeling, what he missed since he left her.

Jim,

I’m not married. I love you.

Come home,
Pam.

She typed it a hundred times a day. She recited the words in her head. She turned to look at him and saw Ryan instead, and she opened her e-mail, determined to send it.

But she never did. She wished she could. She wished she would just gather the courage and do it. But if she sent that e-mail, she opened herself up to a whole new world of hurt. Because eventually she would receive a response. In it, he would inevitably tell her it was too late. Thanks, but no thanks, he would say. Or maybe he would try to be her friend again. Maybe he would congratulate her for getting away from Roy and remind her that she always deserved better than him. Then he would tell her about his life in Stamford and how much better it was. His new boss probably wasn’t an idiot. His co-workers weren’t annoying and stupid and obsessed with Battlestar Galactic, bears, and beets. He didn’t feel the need to put anyone’s stuff in jello anymore. He had a great new apartment and great new friends, and maybe even a great new girl. She would be beautiful, of course, and smart and funny and going somewhere with her life. She would have dreams she actually tried to achieve, and she would be bold and brave the way Pam never was. He would realise that his infatuation with her had been nothing more than a silly crush borne of too much boredom in the office and a curiosity with something he couldn’t have. Maybe he would apologise for telling her he loved her and chalk it up to a weird night and nerves about his upcoming promotion. Then he would end with a half-hearted invitation to come visit. He would offer to show her around Stamford, and she would reply with an enthusiastic acceptance and never make any effort to actually drive up to see him. They would e-mail every few days for a few weeks, then once a week, then once a week, and then not at all. He would settle down with the beautiful new girl and never think of Pam again.

She had given this a lot of thought.

And she just couldn’t do it. Her heart had been broken too many times to count, and she couldn’t put herself out there to let it get shattered again.

Maybe someday he would come back and they could pick up where they left off. Maybe not. Either way, she needed to learn to be content with what she had right now. She needed to discover herself again. She needed to figure out who she was. She needed to paint and dream and be okay with just being Pam.

Maybe then she would be okay with or without Jim Halpert.

Pam stormed into her apartment and slammed the door, throwing her keys against the walls and relishing in the sounds of her anger as she cried out in frustration. She could barely believe she even made it home without driving the car off the road or doing something equally insane, but here she was, safe in her sad, pathetic, lonely little apartment, and she could probably scream for a solid minute before anyone heard or cared.

Today was supposed to be her second chance. From the moment she heard about the Stamford branch closing, she was filled with hope and elation. For so long they worried about their own branch closing, so everyone was relieved to hear the downsizing was not going to be affecting their jobs at all. Pam, however, had a completely different reason to be excited. Her first concern was that maybe Jim would do anything to stay away from Scranton, even if it meant going jobless. As soon as Michael informed her Jim would be returning to their branch, the smile returned to her face. She came home and actually let herself look through “the box” for the first time since he left Scranton – left her. “The box” was an ordinary paper box she’d stolen from the warehouse right after his departure, but its contents were what made it special. Unable to deal with the memories of the past without him here to share in them, she packed everything away that reminded her of him. A foil yogurt top, the teapot he gave her along with its bonus gifts, old post-it notes with witty little messages, a few stick figure drawings he made during meetings, and a few other random mementos she couldn’t part with but could no longer look at. With a bottle of wine for company, she had packed everything into the box, written his name across the lid, and then stowed it in the back of her closet. Two nights ago, she pulled it out and relived every little moment since she met him.

Grilled cheese on the roof. Swaying to his iPod. Dwight pranks. Inside jokes. A hundred lunch breaks or coffee breaks or just chatting breaks. Jinxes. Solitaire games. Even those moments when he looked at her with that expression that threatened to break her heart. Knowing he was coming back to her, she could actually stand to remember the way his eyes couldn’t lie, the way he held her waist on Casino Night, the way his lips felt pressed against hers. For two days, all she could think about was how she was going to tell him. Should she start out with the truth about her relationship with Roy? Should she leave Roy out of it altogether and just confess what a coward she’d been? Should she throw her arms around him and kiss him right in the middle of the office? Nothing seemed quite right, so she did something crazy and trusted herself to make the right decision when she finally laid eyes on him again. Somehow she would just know what to say, and after months of missing him, months of regret, months of loneliness and pain, she would finally get her chance to tell Jim Halpert exactly how she felt about him.

And then there was Karen.

She saw Karen Filipelli’s name on the list of employees transferring from Stamford, but it seemed like a perfectly innocent name at the time. Even now, she couldn’t be entirely sure Karen was the new object of Jim’s affections, but he made it pretty clear. And it wasn’t exactly surprising. Not as surprising as someone like Jim falling for the dull, mousy receptionist, anyway. Karen was beautiful in all the ways Pam always envied. She was exotic and dark and tan and stylish. She seemed like the most normal newcomer to the office, and she could instantly see why Jim would be attracted to her. And Karen, of course, was not engaged to an abusive jackass, so she had that going for her, too. Jim moved on with his life after she rejected him, and clearly, he had decided to do better for himself in Stamford. Oh God she moved to Scranton with him, she realised, thinking she might be sick at the mere thought. How was she supposed to go to work tomorrow, or any day after, for that matter, knowing that Jim had moved on and found someone who was free to love him back? How could she sit there and watch them together, knowing it was now really and truly over forever? Was this how he felt? Did he feel this sick churning in his stomach every single time he saw her and Roy together? Maybe this was just her payback for being so incredibly stupid in the first place, but she really wasn’t sure she could handle it. He told her on Casino Night he didn’t want to be friends anymore, and she understood exactly what he meant. She couldn’t sit by and be his friend if that meant watching him be happy with another woman. Of course she wanted him to be happy. If Karen made him happy, fine, he should be with Karen. But she couldn’t watch it, couldn’t hear about it, couldn’t endure it knowing it could have been her if she hadn’t been so afraid to take a chance on being happy for once in her life.

Without her bidding, the tears came. Tears of frustration and sorrow and fear of the future. Tears of utter agony at what she had lost. All these months she thought she could do this, thought she could be strong without him, but no one could ask this of her. Still wearing her coat, she sank down against the wall and allowed herself to cry into her knees over the mess her life had become. It was all supposed to get better after she left Roy. She felt free and light and full of hope, and her life was finally supposed to come together. She could come and go as she pleased without fearing him, without wondering how much he had to drink and what might make him angry enough to hit her. But that was just one tiny victory in the grand scheme of things. Not having to be afraid of Roy didn’t mean she wasn’t still afraid of everything else. Now she remembered why she stayed with him so long in the first place. He was all she knew, and quite possibly, all she deserved. She wasn’t bold and ambitious like Karen. She wasn’t stunning and independent, either. She was plain old boring Pam, and marrying someone like Roy was pretty much the only thing she could expect in this life. Now she didn’t even have him anymore, and though part of her still believed that was a good thing, she wasn’t sure she was prepared to spend the rest of her life alone.

We’ll always be friends, she thought bitterly. Right. Like they could ever actually be friends after this. It’s not like she called him and told him the wedding was off, and he didn’t exactly make a whole lot of effort to keep in contact with her, either. She could say they were friends to help ease the pain on both sides, but it was really just a bunch of meaningless words. They couldn’t be friends, not really. They might try to make jokes again, maybe even pull a prank or two on Dwight. They might share a few laughs, but the fact was, they had both broken each others hearts now, and there was no coming back from that. She shattered him and sent him running to Stamford – ultimately into the arms of another woman. He came back and showed her just how okay he was without her. So friends? Highly unlikely. More like acquaintances who might act friendly towards one another, though both of them know it’s a pointless endeavour.

Still sitting against the wall crying, she wondered if Karen knew everything about her. Probably. He probably gave off that vibe when he got to Stamford, the one that screamed damaged and broken and in desperate need of someone to help him find happiness again. Karen was probably that woman. Maybe she asked him out for coffee one day and he spilled his guts to her, confessing everything about the receptionist he used to work with, used to love. He would tell her how he did everything he could for this girl, knowing she wasn’t happy, knowing she was stuck in a pointless relationship, but she was always too blind, or maybe just too afraid to see. He would tell her about the night he took a chance, put himself on the line and spoke those words aloud for the first time. I’m in love with you. Karen probably thought it was sweet how much he cared, how devoted he’d been and how long he waited. And she probably thought Pam was insane for saying no to him. She probably told him just that, and then coffee became dinner and a movie. Dinner and a movie became a drink at his place or hers. A drink became two drinks, two drinks became a relationship. And now Pam was little more than the story that brought them together. Well, at least she had done something good for him in the end.

When the tears finally dried up, she pulled herself up off the floor and managed to hang up her coat. She considered hanging her keys where they belonged and then realised it really didn’t matter. Her mom was the one and only visitor her apartment had ever seen, and now she felt ridiculous for cleaning it furiously last night in the hopes she would soon be showing it to Jim. No one cared if her apartment was spotless. No one cared where she hung up artwork and decorated with flowers and other simple little touches. No one cared because no one was going to see it. Including and especially not Jim.

If it wasn’t for her growling stomach, she might have just changed into her favourite pair of sweats and called it a day. If ever she was in need of an early night, it was tonight. She wanted to just go to sleep and wake up back in the past, when she was still with Roy and Jim was still in love with her. If she could just do it all over, she wouldn’t wait for Jim to tell her. The first chance she got, she would break up with Roy, and as soon as it was over, she would go to him, wherever he was. At work, at his apartment, or even at his Saturday morning basketball game. She would tell him that she loved him, and then maybe explain all these reasons she’d been so afraid to tell him sooner. He would take her in his arms and promise to make it all better, to make her forget. He would promise to love her the way she wanted to be loved, treat her the way she wanted to be treated. He would take her home and kiss the bruises until she no longer remembered what it felt like to be hurt by the person who was supposed to love you. Roy would become a distant memory, and Karen would be that awful figment in her imagination, the one that only came out to play when they were fighting and she felt particularly insecure. But as soon as she confessed that she was afraid of more beautiful women with more ambitious dreams, he would kiss her and promise there was one only person he wanted. The real Karen would stay in Stamford, and their paths would never meet. Someday she would have a real wedding, but this time her engagement would last no more than a year. He would help her plan it, though she would take delight in flower arrangements and bridesmaid dresses and every other little detail of their perfect day. He would smile and nod and tell her she could have whatever she wanted, but he would care.

Stop torturing herself, the voice in her head commanded as she looked once more around her empty apartment. You lost him. He moved on. You have to do the same or you’re going to be stuck with crazy daydreams forever. There was no longer any point in fantasising about a future with Jim, so she needed to put one foot in front of another and try her best to keep going. She didn’t really have many other choices.

Too tired to attempt cooking, she grabbed a microwave dinner out of the freezer and ate it in front of her television. After watching a few mindless game shows, she retrieved the newspaper from the kitchen and flipped to the classifieds. It was terrifying to even think about leaving Dunder Mifflin after so many years there, but if today taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t stay in this place forever. Her best friend was truly gone now, and it was bad enough having to pass Roy on the way into work every morning. No one should have to put up with Michael forever, and after all, she didn’t want to be a receptionist there always. Maybe she should even move, get out of Scranton for good. There weren’t many opportunities for an aspiring artist. New York was too expensive with her minimal savings, but there were other places, other small communities with more thriving arts. Maybe she could find a small gallery somewhere, answer phones there, meet some other artists and get some inspiration to improve her work. Or maybe she should call Jan, ask her about that graphic design internship. She didn’t have to leave Dunder Mifflin to leave Scranton, and at least the company could be her safety net as she tried something new all by herself. She could ease herself into the independence, one weekend at a time, until she was finally ready to get away for good. And Jim would be so proud, she added mentally, immediately hating herself for even thinking it. This was supposed to be for her, not for him, but she just wasn’t sure that was even possible anymore. The apartment, the art classes, the new Pam….it was all for him. And she was starting to think maybe it always would be.

****************************************************************************

He wished he had never come back to Scranton.

Sitting across from Karen at a booth in Cooper's, sipping slowly from a frosty mug of beer, he was confident he had never been more miserable. Maybe if this little get-together was taking place in Stamford it would be a completely different story. He liked Karen. He really liked Karen. She was smart and funny and fun to be around, but not in the same ways as Pam. For the first time, looking at another woman didn’t automatically make him think of Pam and remind him of all the painful feelings she left him with in May. When he left Scranton, he was pretty sure he was never going to be able to date again. Falling in love and then having his heart shattered into a million pieces wasn’t really a good omen for future relationships. He wasn’t even dating Pam when she crushed him, so he really wasn’t anxious to give someone else that kind of power over him, the ability to completely ruin his life and send him packing to another state altogether.

The human will was obviously more resilient than he expected because here he was, having a drink with his….girlfriend? Were they there yet? He told Pam he was seeing someone, but he and Karen hadn’t really had “the talk” yet, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that anywhere. She moved here for you, you big idiot, a little voice in the back of his head told him, but he just took another sip of his beer and ignored what the voice told him. He really wasn’t ready to consider the implications of what Karen did to be with him. Maybe she was just trying to save herself the hassle of a job search, but he had a feeling it had a lot more to do with him. That was a pretty big leap for someone who really didn’t know anything about him.

Which brought him back to point one. He really wished he gave up his job instead of moving back to Scranton. He got cocky when he started having feelings for Karen. He thought he was getting over it and moving on. Coming back to Scranton wouldn’t be so hard if he was over Pam. But then there she was this morning, that thousand watt light-up-the-room smile practically blinding him the moment he walked in the door, her face filled with so much hope and excitement, excitement to see him. She looked more beautiful than he remembered, especially with her happiness radiating throughout their small office. He couldn’t help smiling back at her and accepting her rather exuberant hug, but the moment she touched him he felt like an electric shock was coursing through him. And as soon as that brief moment of excitement and euphoria passed, he felt as pathetic as he had for three years sitting on the sidelines watching her with Roy. Here he was, supposedly dating someone else, and he still wasn’t over her.

“Earth to Jim?” Karen called from across the table, raising her eyebrows expectantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. What?” he asked, feeling his cheeks flush a little at being caught.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re like a million miles away,” she noted as she took a sip of her beer.

“I’m fine,” he answered quickly.

“Jim.”

“It’s a little weird,” he admitted.

“Being back here? Or here in general? ‘Cause I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve been here one day and I can already see why you transferred,” she said wryly.

Oddly, he found himself bristling just a little at the implied insult to everyone at the branch. Yes, they were a rather….eccentric bunch. And yes, they all – especially Dwight – could drive him crazy sometimes. “Stamford wasn’t that much better,” he tried to point out. “I mean, come on, Call of Duty? And Andy singing a capella and calling me Big Tuna? Or how about-”

“Okay, I get your point. Dunder Mifflin breeds craziness.”

He laughed aloud at this and took another big gulp of his beer, hoping to push thoughts of Pam to the back of his mind. That ship set sail a long time ago, and it was far past time to just let go. “They’re good people,” he managed to say. “Except for Dwight. Dwight is everything wrong in the world. But everyone else…they’re all really, really nice,” he said seriously. “You get used to the craziness.”

“If they’re so great, why did you leave?” she asked curiously.

He opened his mouth to say something, but unfortunately, nothing came out. He couldn’t tell her about Pam. Not yet, anyway. If she really was his girlfriend, the last thing she wanted to hear about was his unrequited love for the receptionist working just a few feet away from them. Besides, he wasn’t really sure he was ready to share his heart quite that much with someone he didn’t even really know all that well. “Better money,” he finally shrugged. “It was a promotion. Wouldn’t you take it?”

Karen narrowed her eyes a little, almost like she didn’t believe him, then shrugged and took another sip of her beer. “Yeah, I guess I would,” she agreed. “So what were you going to say? About it being weird?”

“It’s just surreal, I guess. Being back here. I didn’t really think I’d ever be back here, and it all happened so fast. I can’t believe about Josh,” he shook his head, attempting to move the subject a safer distance away from Pam.

“Don’t get me started,” she sighed. “I mean, I guess I can understand taking a better position like that, especially with Dunder Mifflin performing the way it has been.”

“You can understand?” he asked incredulously.

“Well, yeah,” she shrugged. “It’s just business. You have to go with the opportunity. But I would never be able to just sell everyone out like that. I mean, he let us all think we were safe with our jobs, and then….we’re in Scranton.”

“At least we still have jobs,” he pointed out.

“I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad just yet,” she quipped. “Maybe you were onto something with New York.”

He tried to laugh a little, but truthfully, he wondered if maybe New York would have been better than this. Before he could follow that chain of thought, a large figure suddenly stepped up beside the table. “Halpert,” Roy said loudly, smacking him a little too hard on the back and causing him to slosh some of his beer onto the table. Clearly, the other man was already drunk, and Roy Anderson was the last person he wanted to see right now.

“Oh, hey Roy,” he forced himself to answer politely.

“I heard about Stanford,” Roy responded, frowning to himself as he realised that wasn’t quite right. “Or whatever,” he shook his head, not bothering to correct it. “Tough luck, man.”

“Yeah, real tough,” Jim agreed, tossing Karen a look to discourage her from saying anything. “What are you gonna do? At least I still have my job, so you know, it’s not all bad. How’ve you been?”

“Great, man,” he said enthusiastically. “Really great. I mean, I’m sure by now you’ve heard the news about-”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard about that,” he quickly cut him off before he could mention Pam’s name. “That sucks, Dude.”

“Whatever,” Roy laughed drunkenly. “Probably the best thing that could happen to me. I mean, come on, you know what she-”

Again, Jim was quick to interrupt him, but this time it wasn’t to save his own skin. He really couldn’t take this asshole saying anything bad about Pam, and with all the people in the bar and Roy talking as loud as he was, someone else was bound to hear him. “Hey, you know what, Roy? I think we’re about to get out of here. Work, you know. Gotta get up early. Good to see you, though.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Roy agreed, slapping him again on the back. “See you around, Halpert.”

“Let’s hope not,” he muttered under his breath, too quiet for even Karen to hear him.

“Friend of yours?” Karen asked in bemusement when Roy returned to the bar for another drink.

“Not really. He works in the warehouse.”

“He seems to be having a good time,” she laughed.

“Yeah, I think he usually does,” he answered, trying incredibly hard not to sound bitter about it. He glanced over again to the bar and saw Roy and Darryl chugging beers together, and for the thousandth time, he wondered how in the world someone like Roy could actually make it ten years with someone like Pam while he couldn’t make it past one secret kiss in the dark and a quietly whispered, “ I can’t.” At least she didn’t go through with the wedding, but he wasn’t going to kid himself and think it had anything to do with his parking lot confession and the subsequent kiss. If it had, he would have found out about the broken engagement from her, not in an e-mail from Phyllis. And if it had, he probably wouldn’t be sitting across from Karen right now.

He instantly felt guilty for even thinking that and tried to shake the remaining thoughts of Pam from his mind. “You ready to get out of here?” he asked Karen.

“Yeah, definitely,” she nodded.

They both rose, and after a brief moment of contemplation, he reached over and took her hand to walk her out of the bar. One step at a time, Jim, he told himself. One step at a time.

The brown dress she wore to the wedding lay on the floor in a crumpled heap, the satin material reflecting broken beams of moonlight spilling in through the blinds. Her artsits’s eye should find it beautiful, but as she stared at it, Pam realised it looked exactly how she imagined regret would look if given a physical form. When she shimmied into the dress before the ceremony, there was a brief moment she felt lovely. It was the first dress she bought herself in quite a long time, and she liked the way she looked in it. The colour complimented her, she brushed on more makeup than usual, and she spent almost an hour playing with her hair to get it just right. Once, just once, she wasn’t going to feel so miserably inferior to Karen. Maybe if she looked beautiful tonight, Jim would look at her again with that longing she used to see in his eyes. Maybe he would look at her and realise he still loved her.

Well, he did look at her tonight. She caught that familiar expression, a curious combination of regret and desire, but all too soon, his gazed returned to the more exotic beauty who now occupied his heart. There was so much unfulfilled promise between them, so many unanswered questions. Of course he could get caught up in the past, in what could have been, but unlike her, he no longer called that dreamland home. He spent his life rooted in their present reality instead of hopelessly entangled in former fantasies. In her hurt and grieving, she turned to the one person she swore she was done with. Instead of coming home to her cold empty apartment to cry over her loneliness, she sought comfort in the arms of the man she once believed she loved.

It wasn’t entirely about Jim. Her disappointment wasn’t the only reason she wound up leaving with Roy tonight. It had been incredibly sweet of them to pay Kevin’s band to play their song. Such acts of sentimentality usually weren’t his style, and it was a pleasant surprise for him to take some initiative to show how much he still cared. She had seen the way he looked at her sometimes, the sad eyes that followed her from her car to the office door, but she never really let herself think about him missing her. Then he danced with her to their song, and for one brief moment, she felt like maybe she could love him again.

Now, however, laying in his bed once more and staring at him as he slept, she felt more alone than ever. The night started with rationalisations, but it ended as it always did with regret. At first she told herself he was here, he was real, he was something she could hold onto. The sound of his deep breathing broke the silence she’d become accustomed to, and it was nice to feel warm for once. He wasn’t Jim – no one else could be – but at least he was actually here with her. At least he still wanted her. Maybe she couldn’t have rapturous joy, but she could have more than TV dinners and lonely glasses of wine. It was right to end the engagement; she never doubted that. Being alone did allow her to explore who she was, and she no longer needed Roy or Jim to define her. She became her own person and stood up for herself, showed Roy she wasn’t going to take the abuse any longer. She didn’t do all those brave, bold things she said she would, didn’t take the internship or leave Dunder Mifflin, but she didn’t have to do any of those things to be Fancy New Beesly. She lived on her own, she supported herself, and she even bought a new car with no one’s assistance. Proving herself to be a strong, capable, independent woman showed Roy she wouldn’t be his doormat anymore, and tonight he showed her he understood. Maybe with all this newfound respect for herself, he would begin to respect her as well. After all, he swore things would be different. He cried, told her how much he missed her, vowed never to take advantage of her again. He said he realised what an ass he’d been and he knew he didn’t deserve a second chance. Being away from her made him face the reality of what he’d become, and he didn’t want to be that person anymore. He wanted to shower her how he changed, wanted to show her how much he needed her.

It all sounded so nice after the day she’d had. Watching Jim and Karen together always felt like a punch to the gut, but at a wedding? She felt like she could barely breathe. That alone was enough to make this on her top five list of worst days ever, but to top it all off, Phyllis had stolen all of her wedding plans, right down to the dress. Every detail Pam so painstakingly arranged was now played out in front of her, only it wasn’t her wedding. It was someone else’s. Someone else with all the things she was supposed to have. Someone else enjoying the fruits of her labour. Someone else living the happy life Pam so desperately craved for herself. Surely Phyllis just hadn’t realised how cruel it was, but it still left her reeling and stinging and desperate for comfort. When it wasn’t Jim there to hug her and make it okay, she didn’t even care that it was Roy.

Until now. She briefly considered climbing out of the bed, slipping back into the dress, and promptly seeing herself to the exit. She knew from ten years of experience he wouldn’t notice if she left. He wouldn’t have a clue she was gone until late tomorrow morning, at which point she could be safely locked away in her own apartment, far far away from Roy and the disaster that was their relationship. He might come by, but he didn’t have a key. He might call her, but she could tell him it was a mistake and they were through. He might be bold enough to confront her at work, but even if he was, he wouldn’t invite trouble by getting physical in front of their co-workers. A few minutes of humiliation and it could all be over.

Somehow, however, she knew she would do no such thing. He cried and pleaded and promised, but he was still the same Roy. He hadn’t always been physical about his anger, but it was always there. She was never good enough for him, and from the beginning she was afraid her inadequacies would drive him away. He reinforced those beliefs until she was terrified she would lose him if she denied him anything. He always exerted power over her, even before he packed his power into a fist. And she was still afraid of him. She was bold enough to face that fear once, but she had the promise of Jim then. She had his words echoing in her ear, his kiss still burning her lips. She felt his hands cupping her cheeks the last time she told Roy no, and it was enough to keep her strong. Now there was nothing to fight for. Jim didn’t love her anymore. He might even be in love with someone else, someone prettier, someone far more appropriate and perfect for him. It was good, it was right for him to be happy now, but he was the only one who could give her the strength to walk away from Roy. Without him, she was stuck. And without him, she didn’t care.

****************************************************************************

He saw them leave the wedding together, but he tried to pretend she just needed a ride home, or better yet, they were both leaving at the same time and just walked out together. It really wasn’t any of his business what they decided to do, but just the thought of Pam and Roy together was enough to make him regret that last drink as it began to churn miserably in his stomach. He was in a bad mood the rest of the night, and after a pleasant, fun evening with Karen, things took a sour turn on the way home. They said terse goodnights to one another, then she fell asleep and left him to stare up at the ceiling all night.

For the next few days, he managed to keep up the illusion that nothing more serious than an amicable chat occurred between Pam and Roy. He told himself he just wanted better for Pam, but the way his stomach dropped to his feet when Roy walked in a few days after the wedding was a clear indication he wasn’t fooling anybody. Roy headed straight to reception and handed Pam some lunch, and though Jim couldn’t hear anything they said, she smiled a little and gratefully accepted the offering. Roy lingered for a few more minutes and then leaned over the desk to kiss her lightly on the cheek before returning to the warehouse. Jim watched the entire exchange from over the top of the paperwork he was pretending to fill out, his heart sinking as he put the pieces together.

Pam and Roy were back together.

Of course they were. It never took her long, did it? She always went back to him. Always.

Phyllis sent him an e-mail when he was in Stamford, telling him all about the cancelled wedding. And then Michael insisted on sharing the news as well. He had been happy for her – overjoyed, really. He never liked Roy, and he always knew someone as wonderful as Pam deserved way more than Roy Anderson. Part of him wanted to pick up the phone and call her as soon as he heard the news, but as soon as his fingers pressed the first number, he realised she had made no attempt to contact him. He heard the news from Phyllis, not from her. And she rejected him anyway. He threw himself out there to sink or swim, and she watched him sink. Twice.

Obviously, she didn’t want him. Maybe he woke her up to the reality that Roy was not the one she wanted, either, but she sure as hell wasn’t doing anything to get in touch with him and tell him that much.

So he didn’t call. He didn’t e-mail. Didn’t text or IM like he so desperately wanted to. Enough was enough. He pined after her for years, and it was time to stop watching his life pass him by. Pam Beesly was not in love with him, and he needed to let go of that dream before he wished his entire life away for nothing.

He thought he did a pretty admirable job at moving on. Stamford was a lot better than Scranton. Dunder Mifflin seemed to be breeding ground for craziness, but it still wasn’t as unbelievable as the Scranton branch. Andy was fun to mess with, and he still enjoyed pranking Dwight from afar, but for the most part, he was acting like a grown up with a real responsibility. He took his work a lot more seriously in Connecticut than he ever did in Pennsylvania, and that probably had a lot to do with the lack of a certain receptionist distracting him so often.

And then there was Karen. He never expected to find someone so fast, but then she was just there. One drunken ride home and he had a girlfriend. Karen was good for him on so many levels, the first of which being the simple fact that she wasn’t Pam. She wasn’t engaged, she was interested in him, and she gave him hope that he would be okay. Maybe he could move on with his life after all.

After so many months of desperation and depression, Karen was like waking up and finally seeing the sun again. It was hard letting go of the past, forgetting what he used to want and dream of, but at least he was starting to see it was possible. He didn’t have to be in love with someone who didn’t want him forever. He could actually see himself falling for Karen, maybe someday having a life with her. It was still early for that, but for the first time in an incredibly long time, he felt hopeful.

Even after that first awkward day, coming back to Scranton had been a lot harder than he expected. Pam looked absolutely haunted most of the time, and he started to wonder if maybe she did have feelings for him after all. He didn’t want to give into that, didn’t want to fall back into that trap. The waiting and the wondering had sent him into such a spiralling depression before, and he just couldn’t go through that again. So he turned her down when she asked him out for coffee and ignored the wistful glances she sent his way. They pretended to be friends again, but they weren’t, not really.

So why did it bother him so much that she was back with Roy? It should have been a sign to him. Maybe Roy coming by today should have been the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that never was. That nail should have been driven in long ago, especially since he started dating Karen, but as his stomach churned at the sight of Roy Anderson, he realised he hadn’t given up on her. Not yet. Not completely, anyway. Maybe he would never be able to really let her go, even though there must have been some reason for her to take Roy back. At the end of the day when Roy was done being a self-absorbed, ignorant, disrespectful asshole, he must have done something right to make Pam love him.

So what was the secret, and what did Jim do wrong? He offered her so much more, but she rejected it. What could possibly be so wonderful about Roy that she didn’t mind if he walked all over her, contually disappointed her, and attempted to crush all her dreams. Though her rejection nearly destroyed him, his heart breaks even more at the thought of her going home every night to a man who will never respect and love her the way she deserves, someone who cannot accept that she dreams of more than answering phones and helping Michael with all his ridiculous plans. Pam is too smart and to wonderful to be a receptionist forever. She is too talented to waste away her life transferring calls at Dunder Mifflin, and he would do anything to see her with someone who would actually respect that. Maybe it could never be him, but he really wished it wasn’t Roy.

She made it clear, however, that it should not be his concern. She made it clear when she said no – twice. She made it clear when she didn’t bother to call him after she cancelled the wedding.

Is it possible that you hurt her just as badly when you left without a word? She didn’t have much time to process what you told her, he reminded himself for the hundredth time. You’d had a long time to think about it. You gave her all of about five minutes to ask her to leave everything she’d known behind and take a chance on something that came with no guarantees.

She did cancel the wedding. She did call it off, despite her assertion at Casino Night that she was going to go through with it. Something changed, and even though he’s been back in Scranton for a while, he never bothered to ask her what it was for fear that it would stop him from moving on. Because you’re really doing a bang-up job with that anyway, the annoying voice in his head chided him.

He attempted to push all those thoughts from his mind and looked back down at the work piled up on his desk. Karen is his girlfriend now, and Pam is back with Roy. Whatever happened – whatever could have happened – ended months ago. He needs to learn to be okay with that. Maybe he should try again to be her friend. After all, it’s obviously impossible not to care about her. She’s still his favourite person to joke with, his favourite person to look up and see during the work day, and probably the only person who loves making fun of Dwight as much as he does. It isn’t enough, but it has to be, and someday it will. At least, that’s what he told himself as he tried once more to focus on the paperwork in front of him.

Then she sighed. Quietly, but he still heard it and looked up again. She pushed her lunch to the side, apparently more interested in work than in the meal Roy dropped off for her. That couldn’t be a good sign. No one at Dunder Mifflin was ever more interested in work than a potential distraction from work, especially Pam. His first urge was to jump up from his desk and go over to talk to her, just to do a little reconnaissance and make sure everything was okay. She should be happy now that she and Roy were back together, but her expression said just the opposite. That little voice inside his head told him to go over there, just to take some jelly beans or come up with a prank to play on Dwight. He could make her smile again, and then maybe she would remember why she broke up with Roy in the first place.

The bastard was not good enough for her. He never was, still isn’t, and never will be.

“Hey,” a familiar voice said, interrupting him from his musings. He looked up, feeling his cheeks turn red as though he’d been caught, and saw Karen standing in front of him with a smile on her face.

He attempted to shake free all thoughts of Pam and forced himself to focus on his girlfriend, then felt like an ass for having to do that in the first place. Enough. This is enough now. You have a girlfriend. “Hey,” he smiled back.

“You wanna go grab some lunch? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, sure,” he agreed, abandoning his work and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair. As he walked by reception, his hand found its way to the small of Karen’s back. He saw the way Pam immediately turned her gaze to her computer, averting her eyes from the scene, and he was torn between guilt and satisfaction. Guilt because he did it on purpose, satisfaction because it worked. He was hurting them both, whether they knew it or not, and he really wasn’t sure how to stop it.

Much, much later in the day, a strange thought occurred to him. He was watching Dwight eat some strange concotion almost certainly made from beets, wondering how in the world he ended up at a place like this, and suddenly it just popped into his head.

Pam always went back to him. No matter what he did to her, no matter what he said or how he humiliated her, she took him back. The conclusion made perfect sense, logically speaking, but Pam? No. Impossible. It was a crazy idea, and almost as soon as he thought of it, he disregarded it as sheer boredom attempting to play tricks on his mind. If he would just focus on work – or at least Karen – he wouldn’t be analysing Pam’s relationship and trying to figure out any little thing that might be off. Pathetic, he thought to himself, shaking his head in self-deprecation.

When five o’clock finally rolled around, he shut down his computer and grabbed his coat from the back of his chair, heading towards the front door. Once more, the pesky little thought popped into his brain. He briefly considered stopping to talk to her, just for a moment. Friends did things like that, and more than anything, he just wanted to be her friend again. Though he managed to convince himself his idea was completely absurd, it was obvious all was not right in her world. Then again, it had been a boring day today – moreso than usual. Michael was oddly quiet, and other than the beet concoction, even Dwight had done little to amuse them and break the monotony of a full eight hours spent at Dunder Mifflin. And maybe all of it was just hard to get used to. Maybe he was making up problems that weren’t really there. Maybe he wanted her to need him and subconsciously made up reasons for that to happen. Maybe she was struggling with their lack of communication, the odd distance between them. But it would get better, and he couldn’t force it. As much as he wanted to talk to her, it would probably be a bad idea right now. So he turned to look for Karen instead. Beautiful, smart, ambitious Karen. His girlfriend, Karen. Karen who moved to Scranton for him. Karen who just wanted to make this work. Karen who accepted him with all his flaws and his hang-up with a certain relationship. Karen who understood how hard this was for him and held on anyway.

His girlfriend smiled at him and hurried to catch up so they could walk out together. This time he didn’t try to shove it in Pam’s face and offered her a quick wave as he walked by the front desk. “Bye, Pam.” Easy, smooth, casual. Hinting of nothing other than inter-office friendship. And he didn’t wait for her to answer before he and Karen left the building to head back to his place for pizza and television.

Hours later, he and Karen were lying comfortably on the couch, her head relaxed against his shoulder as his arm looped around her. They were both silent, half-watching television and half-lost in their own thoughts. For once, he managed to stop thinking about Pam and imagining what she was doing, content, for now, to be with his girlfriend. Maybe this wasn’t how he pictured things working out for him, maybe Pam was the one who filled his dreams, but Karen was the one with him. Karen was the one who could give him what he wanted and needed. She was more than willing, and he would be crazy not to take her up on it. It was long past time to grow up and forget about the girl he couldn’t have. In another life maybe they could have been together, but he needed to learn to be okay with this life. As Karen sighed and pressed her head a little further into his shoulder, he decided it might not be so hard to get used to this after all.

It didn’t take long for Roy to settle into the old familiar patterns. She wisely decided not to make a copy of her apartment key, but she wasn’t sure it mattered all that much. A week after the wedding, Roy started coming by her apartment to pick her up in the morning. The first couple of days she thought it was sweet. By the third or fourth, she started to get a little annoyed. By the second week, he was back to honking his horn at her and yelling when she had to run back inside to grab something she forgot. Gone was the sweet gesture of given her a ride to work, replaced instead by his domineering, inconsiderate ways.

And that was how it happened the first time.

“I want you to stop picking me up, Roy,” she said bluntly as they pulled into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. She accidentally left her cell phone plugged into charger by her bed this morning, and he let her hear what an inconvenience she was when she had to add that extra minute and a half to their morning commute. They exchanged some angry words and then settled into stony silence, but she was ready to call him on this before it got any worse.

“Pammy, come on,” he rolled his eyes.

“And don’t call me ‘Pammy,’” she shot back. She always hated that stupid nickname, and he knew it.

“Okay, Pam.”

How articulate of you, Roy, she thought as she started to climb out of the car. “I’m serious. I have my own car. I can drive myself to work.” She was about to step out of the truck when his hand suddenly locked around her wrist and pulled her back with startling force, causing her to gasp aloud in surprise and in pain. He gripped hard enough to leave a bruise before abruptly letting go and sinking back in his seat. He sighed loudly and just stared out the window for a moment while they both processed what just happened.

“I’m sorry,” he finally managed after a solid minute of silence.

“Of course you are,” she answered bitterly. “You always are.”

“Come on, Pam, that’s not fair.”

“You told me things were going to be different,” she argued. “You told me you weren’t going to do this anymore.”

“I didn’t hurt you,” he tried to defend himself. “I just didn’t want you to leave before we talked about this.”

“Yeah, well, you could just ask me instead of yanking my arm. And it did hurt, Roy.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “But you know I didn’t mean to.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Pam.”

“Forget it. I’m going to be late.” Quickly, she opened the car door and jumped out
before he had a chance to react. She pulled her sleeve down over the angry marks forming on her arm and hurried inside, just hoping to make it up to her desk before Roy could come after her and continue their little argument.

She spent the next few hours reliving those moments in the truck. She avoided Jim’s gaze all morning, and she didn’t react when Dwight started recounting a story about beet farming as a child. Unfortunately there were no faxes to keep her busy and relatively few phone calls to answer, but she still managed to make herself look busy while she agonised over what had happened this morning. It was the first time he laid a hand on her since they got back together, but she remembered all too well how it started the last time.

“Where were you?” Roy’s angry voice bellowed across the darkened living room as she quietly slipped inside their apartment and shut the door. It was late – well after midnight – but she was out with some old friends from college and lost track of the time. Since she dropped out to be with Roy, she hadn’t really had a whole lot of contact with her former roommate and two of their other close friends. It was hard for her to find the time to make the drive, and of course they were too busy to come here.

“I was out with my friends, Roy,” she answered, already unreasonably angry with him. Being with her friends reminded her how much she was missing by not being in school anymore, and she hated this new feeling of isolation. Roy used to make her feel so giddy and happy and lucky. Now she just felt stuck. And maybe it was her fault. Maybe she wasn’t doing enough to meet new people and form new relationships, but she missed student life. Maybe she was even starting to resent him for practically forcing her to abandon her dreams of pursuing art, but she ultimately made the decision herself and she knew she had to live with it.

“I thought you would be home before now.”

“I never told you what time I was coming home,” she answered irritably. “I told you I was having dinner with the girls.”

“Dinner, Pam,” he repeated harshly. “That was at six. Where did you go that it took you six hours to eat dinner?”

“We went out for drinks afterwards! Since when is that a problem? You certainly do it all the time,” she found herself saying before she had a chance to censor herself. She immediately knew it was a mistake, and within seconds, Roy was up off the couch and storming across the room.

“What did you just say?” he demanded, grabbing her wrist with his large hand.

“I’m sorry,” she apologised quickly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“What did you say, Pam,” he repeated.

“Let go of me,” she requested meekly, starting to get a little scared of him and the fire in his eyes. They had some heated arguments before, and he had grabbed her wrist before, but she could already feel the bruises forming, and she couldn’t ever recall him looking this furious. “We can talk about this, but let go of me,” she tried again, hoping her voice didn’t shake and betray her fear. When he just locked his grip even tighter, she took a deep, steadying breath and willed herself to stay calm. “You go out for drinks with the guys all the time, Roy. I’m sorry if you thought I would be home earlier. I guess I should have called to tell you what was going on,” she admitted. Truthfully, she had considered it. She knew he would want to know where she was and what she was doing, but her girlfriends had never really liked Roy that much. She could tell they were biting their tongues to keep from saying anything about her new life in a tiny apartment in Scranton, and she didn’t want to fuel the problem by insisting on calling Roy with an update before they left the restaurant.

“Damn right you should have,” he agreed, though his anger didn’t seem at all defused.

“Okay, I said I was sorry. Let go of me,” she insisted, attempting to wriggle her wrist free. That only made him more angry, and before she even knew what was happening, she felt her back make contact with the wall. She cried out in fear and pain, her eyes growing wide and a jolt of panic running down her spine. Roy was right on top of her now, and she could smell the beer on his breath. There would be no reasoning with him now, no talking him down.

Thankfully, she didn’t have to. A hot tear spilled from her eye, and as soon as he saw it, he abruptly let go of her. She scrambled for the wall, trying not to fall, and then instinctively moved out of his reach. “Pam,” he breathed, his voice thick with remorse.

A crushing wave of emotion seemed to assault her, and it hurt far more than the bruises forming on her wrist and back. “What the hell, Roy?” she asked as she began to cry.

“Oh my God, Pam,” he whispered, slowly stepping forward and attempting to hug her.

“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, once more stepping away from him. “Just…leave me alone.”

She stormed off to bed that night and locked the door to their bedroom so he couldn’t get in. He proceeded to knock on the door and beg her to talk to him for another hour before giving up. She pretended to be asleep the whole time, but he probably heard her tell-tale sniffling as she cried quietly to herself.

The next morning, she didn’t say anything when she unlocked the door and opened it just slightly. When she emerged from her shower, Roy was sitting on the bed with a bouquet of flowers and a sheepish expression. He apologised profusely, shed a few tears, promised he would never do anything that crazy or stupid again, and she believed him. It hadn’t been a big deal, he hadn’t really hurt her that bad, and she was the one who didn’t call him. So she forgave him and let it go, believing he would never lay a hand on her again.

A few weeks and another fight later, he slapped her. He cried again and brought another bouquet of flowers. By the third time, he abandoned flowers in favour of more extravagant gifts. There were even more tears and even more apologies, and those first few days afterwards were downright blissful with him treating her like a special treasure and doing all of the work around the apartment. And then eventually it just became her life. Sometimes she admittedly did something to provoke his anger, other times she did nothing at all. Sometimes she pissed him off and he just yelled, other times she was sore for days. He became infinitely more controlling, but strangely, also more aloof. He noticed less and less when she wore something nice or cooked something special. He wanted her home more and more but was home less and less. He called and asked for her to cook dinner, then didn’t come home until after midnight, smelling of beer and smoke.

Is that where my life is going? she asked herself as she numbly made copies of some report someone had handed her. Is that where my life is going again? She finally wised up and got out of there, but suddenly she felt trapped once more. She could say things were going to be different. She could insist on not giving him a key and taking separate cars to work in the morning, but it might just be inevitable. Maybe their time apart had made him realise how wrong he was. Maybe losing her had been the wake-up call he needed to get his life back on track, but how many times had he cried and apologised and sworn it would never happen again? Too many times to count, she thought bitterly.

She put the stack of copies in the proper file and returned to her desk. As usual, she couldn’t stop her eyes from wandering over to their favourite resting spot – Jim. Even thinking his name anymore sent shivers down her spine and filled her with a confusing mess of emotions. God, she missed him so much. She missed him without knowing what it was like to be with him. She missed him just being…him. She missed pranks and jokes and smiles and all those things that made her feel okay to be Pam Beesly, to be in this place at this time. He inspired her to be bold, to be independent, to ultimately save herself from Roy, and now they barely even talked. He was trying, she knew, but how could they salvage what was lost? And why couldn’t he see that she did it for him? She may have broken his heart the night she turned him down, but she also saved her from a far worse fate than a few tears and lonely nights. If she had left Roy for him, he would have been a dead man. Roy would never let him get away with it, and if he didn’t kill him, he would at least do significant harm. Jim looked like the kind of guy who could take care of himself, but she knew he would try to be calm and rational and cool, maybe even attempt to joke his way out of the situation, but it would only make Roy even more angry. And Roy was a big guy. In a weird way that seemed to suit her life, she did the best thing she could ever do for Jim when she looked him in the eye and told him she was still marrying Roy.

For the rest of the day, she sat at her desk in a contemplative haze, trying to figure out how to steer her way back to happiness. It struck her then that she didn’t really remember much pure joy in her life unless it was somehow related to Jim Halpert. Enough already, her mind chided her. It’s getting pathetic now. He’s with Karen. He’s happy with Karen. They’re great together. You have to let this go. Until she did, there would be no real friendship with him, and she at least needed that much in her life.

She was debating whether or not letting go of Jim could mean holding on to Roy when he appeared at her desk with a weary smile. There was something about that smile, something about his strong presence and the familiarity of it all, and she made up her mind. She could do this. She had loved Roy once and maybe still could. They wouldn’t have lasted ten years if those years weren’t rooted in something deep, and they could find that again if she would just be herself, be assertive, stop acting so timid and afraid of him all the time. “Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard’s for happy hour. You should come,” she smiled at him.

“I can’t,” he shook his head. “My brother, he just unloaded the jet skis and kinda took a bath, so we’re going to go get hammered.”

“Okay, well, we’re going to a bar,” she said pointedly. “Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. If you’re going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.”

Roy actually looked a little impressed, and she inwardly congratulated herself as she gathered her things to head over to the bar. Yeah, maybe she could do this after all. Jim was moving on, taking fancy Karen to their fancy party and probably impressing everyone with his charm and quick wit. She didn’t belong there. She belonged here, in her normal life with her normal boyfriend. And she could be okay with that.

After a few drinks, she felt the smile returning to her face. She was having a good time. Jim wasn’t here, but she was still having fun. She knew she was probably beaming as she went over to the bar and ordered their drinks, but she really didn’t care if she looked ridiculous. She didn’t even worry about handing back the beer and correcting him on her order. Old Pam would have let it slide and kept the beer she didn’t want. New Pam wasn’t going to be so overly submissive. That version of herself never got what she wanted, and this new sparkly version wasn’t going to do the same. She forgot about the affectionate way Jim touched Karen as they walked by her desk earlier today. Instead she laughed and smiled with Roy, reminisced and made plans with Roy. Her heart filled again, her life no longer empty and lonely. This is going to work, she thought happily. Maybe it wasn’t the dream life, maybe it wasn’t the faerie tale she once imagined, but it could be enough. Jim was the one who inspired this change in her, and he would always be with her. Roy was the one she could settle down with, build a life with. She could make this work.

Armed with that confidence and the pride of New Pam, she made a decision. Emboldened by the beers and feeling on top of the world, she opened her mouth and suddenly told him the truth about Jim and Casino Night. It was the main reason she called off the wedding, and she needed him to know that so they could move on together. Yes, he hurt her and took advantage of her, but she had been content to live with that until Jim confessed his love. Those few words changed everything, and Roy needed to understand how conflicted she was, how torn and confused. He needed to know to be gentle with her, to comprehend why she did even though it made him furious.

Of course, Roy was the same old Roy. He never changed. She should know that by now, but for one moment, she needed to believe in him She needed to believe so she wouldn’t have to drown in despair as she watched Jim and Karen together. But as soon as the familiar rage flashed in his eyes, she realised the last hour, the last few days, the last week….it had all been a huge mistake.

To his credit, he kept his anger in check long enough to pay the bill. He was strangely silent, seething underneath, but outwardly calm and pleasant. No one else could see the hand locked firmly around her wrist, and her co-workers would probably giggle a bit to themselves as they watched them slip out the door. She knew better than to resist as he guided her outside, but her stomach flipped over as he roughly pulled her behind the bar where they could not be seen or heard.

She learned how to be quiet years ago. Screaming would make him more angry and make this a lot more painful for her, so she kept as silent as possible. Even as people came and went from the small bar, he managed to hit her without arousing any suspicion. His car was still at work, so everyone would just assume they walked back to the parking lot and headed home for the night. She should probably be outraged, but really, all she felt was relief. The last thing she needed was for everyone to hear about this, to share in this indignity with her. She never called the police, never wanted to deal with that, and she never wanted anyone to know and pity her. By protecting himself from scrutiny, he was protecting her from humiliation.

Within a few minutes, his anger peaked and then faded. He tossed her to the side with a grunt and then abruptly stormed off without another word. She carefully lowered herself to the ground and leaned against the brick wall, holding her breath as she watched him disappear into the truck and speed off into the night. When he was finally gone, she let out a shaky sigh of relief. She tasted blood and tears, but she was free. Everything hurt, but it was over. For good. He would probably ask for her to forgive him again, but she would never be able to do that. She took him back, tried to be truthful and brave and bold, but that was never what he wanted. And despite what just happened, she was no longer the meek little girl that would let it continue. New Pam would not tolerate this the way Old Pam would. She would not call him back. She would not answer his calls. They would not talk of reconciliation. He had his chance, and now she could be done with him forever. Freedom, she thought as tears continued to course down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and savored the knowledge that she was alive and thinking clearly once more, finally rid of Roy forever.

Along with clarity of thought, however, came the realisation that she was cold. She reached for her purse and started to dig for her keys before remembering he drove her to work this morning. Her heart sank with the revelation. She couldn’t call a cab in her current condition, but how else could she get home? Her mom was hours away, and it would break her heart anyway. She didn’t want to call Angela, not really up for being judged right now, and she would probably insist on reporting it. Everyone else was inside, and she couldn’t walk back in there and let them all know what just happened to her. So who else was there? Roy cut her off from all her other social outlets long ago, and she never really rebuilt any of those relationships she lost.

The answer was obvious, but she didn’t want to do it. The party was probably over by now, but she didn’t want him to see her like this. He was supposed to be protected from the truth, not the only eyewitness to it. But he would come. He would help her. He wouldn’t or condemn her, just get her home and make sure she was safe for the night. Honestly, she couldn’t think of anyone else she wanted right now, but this was the one thing she swore she would never do.

Sucking up her pride, she located her cell phone at the bottom of her purse and dialled the familiar numbers before she had a chance to rethink her decision. It rung three times – enough to make her a little nervous – but then he answered. “Hey, um, it’s Pam,” she said, forcing herself to sound normal even as the tears continued to fall.

He paused for a long moment before answering. “Hey,” he finally annswered. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” she answered automatically, feeling like an idiot right away. Nothing? Really? That was the best she could come up with? “I mean, I…” her voice wavered a little, and he noticed.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, sounding worried and tense.

“No,” she admitted. “Not really.”

Another long pause. “Can you hold on a second?”

It immediately hit her that he was with Karen. Of course he was with Karen. They’d been at the party together tonight. Did she really think he would just drop her off at home? His girlfriend? They’re happy together. They’re happy together right now. “Oh, I’m, I uh…is this a bad time?” she stammered out.

“No, it’s fine,” he assured her quickly. “Just…one second.”

She didn’t want to listen, but for some sick reason, she couldn’t tear herself away from the phone as he murmured something quietly to his girlfriend. She couldn’t make out the words, but she heard Karen’s voice, and she felt her stomach churn miserably. How could she be so stupid? Yes, Jim was really her only option, but he sounded immensely uncomfortable, and she couldn’t exactly blame him for that. His disapproval of her decision to go back to Roy was obvious, and she knew he was trying his best to move on after her rejection. Calling him was the second worst idea she had tonight, and if she didn’t know he would call right back, she would hang up right now and figure out another way home.

“Okay,” he said again after a moment, his voice a little louder and decidedly less distracted. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she managed, though nothing felt further from the truth. Okay? No, she was light years from okay right now. The brief rush of adrenaline after Roy left long since disappeared, replaced with the dull ache of reality. Yes, she was free. Free to be utterly miserable. Free to admit to Jim what a fool she’d been and see how it broke his heart all over again. Free to see him suffer as he tried to help her and inevitably made things infinitely more difficult for himself.

“Hey, what’s going on?” he prodded when she offered no explanation. “What happened?”

Once more, she sucked up her pride and tried to focus on getting herself home. She could worry about everything else later. “I need a ride,” she admitted.

“You need a ride?” he repeated, obviously a little confused. “Why do you…never mind. I can come get you. Where are you?”

“Poor Richard’s,” she answered quietly. “Everyone went after work today.”

“O-kay,” he answered slowly. “What happened to your car?”

“Roy brought me today.”

There was yet another pause as he struggled to put together the pieces.

“Please, don’t ask,” she implored before he could formulate another question. “Not right now. Just…not right now.” Tears threatened to spill again, and she sniffled a little to hold them back.

“Sure,” he answered gently. “It’s okay. I’ll be right there.”

“Thank you, Jim,” she whispered.

“Anytime, you know that,” he responded sincerely. And she knew he meant it, but she really wished it was because he was still in love with her, not because he’s just a good friend with a good heart. Maybe it’s wrong, maybe it’s selfish, but God, she needs him. She needs him to be the old him, her version of him, even if it’s just for a few minutes. “You still there?” he asked when she didn’t answer.

“Yeah,” she managed. “Still here.”

“I’ll be there in just a few minutes,” he repeated.

She mumbled another thank you and tried to convince herself it would all be okay when Jim arrived. He had a way of making everything better, even when it felt like the world was crumbling around her. He could it again, and she would be okay.