Summary: She saw the iPod as she was packing her stuff into boxes. It had been tucked away in a drawer for months. She never listened to it anymore; the memories were too painful.
uncgirl did (or is doing) an amazing story coming from the Christmas party episode, and I got to thinking about what might have been if Pam had kept the iPod. Usual disclaimers apply; I don't own these characters.
1. Chapter 1 by brokenloon
2. Chapter 2 by brokenloon
She saw the iPod as she was packing her stuff into boxes. It had been tucked away in a drawer for months. She never listened to it anymore; the memories were too painful. She started to pack it, but then decided she would leave it for Roy.
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She had fretted all afternoon about what to do, and decided in the end that, while Jim was a good friend, he was just a friend, and it would be improper somehow for her to get so sentimental about a teapot. She certainly didn’t relish the idea of explaining it to Roy. So, she uneasily decided to keep the iPod, though she doubted herself every time she saw Jim’s sad expression. He left the party early, saying a terse goodbye, claiming he was tired. She started to apologize, but before she could even get started on it he had turned away and headed out the door.
The uneasy feeling lingered through the weekend, compounded by Roy’s lousy mood and the chaos at the stores as she shopped, alone, while he hung out with Kenny watching television. She was, absurdly enough, anxious for Monday. She and Jim would talk and reconnect, and she would apologize and let him know how much she really did appreciate the thought, and everything would be okay.
She got in early, before Jim but of course after Dwight. The teapot was sitting on his desk. His expression was oddly smug. He looked like the cat who ate the canary. What could be up with him? She didn’t want to know. She had thought she might try to persuade him to give up the teapot to her, but she didn’t like her chances of success and decided dealing with him and this time of the morning was too daunting, particularly given his odd expression.
Jim came in, looking tired and blank faced, and offered her only the most cursory nod and good morning as he plopped in his chair. She hoped he would wander over to talk soon, and she could reassure herself that things were okay between them.
Instead, the horror unfolded. The reason for Dwight’s smugness became apparent. He pulled a frame picture from his drawer and placed it, quite ceremoniously on his desk. He was practically laughing out loud. Jim finally took the bait.
“What is it, Dwight?”
“I received a picture with my teapot. I found the picture so inspiring I decided to have it blown up and framed. It will remind me every day of what I don’t want to be.”
Pam stepped over to see what he was talking about, and saw to her great puzzlement and distress that it was Jim’s yearbook picture. As she pieced together the likelihood that the picture had been placed in the teapot met for her, she saw Jim’s face. His expression was not merely one of annoyance, but of despair, defeat. He would not meet her eyes.
“That’s great, Dwight,” he said in a flat voice. “Just great. Well done.” He shook his head and stared at his computer screen, not willing to face Dwight’s gloating.
Pam desperately tried to save the situation. “Dwight, come on. That wasn’t meant for you.” She searched her mind for what to say that might work. “Name your price.”
“I think this picture is quite priceless, actually. You may have this other junk, though.” He handed her a timer, a golf pencil, and a packet of hot sauce.
She stood confused for a moment, registering what they were, putting the pieces together. Her heart sunk even more. Jim continued to simply not acknowledge that anything was going on; he simply stared at his computer screen.
She kept trying with Dwight, but unfortunately, her obvious desperation to get the picture only increased his determination to keep it, and all her entreaties were ignored or deflected. She reassured herself that she would steal the picture at her first opportunity, then thought with dismay that he might well have a safe beneath his desk somewhere.
She slunk back to her desk in defeat, and IM’ed Jim.
Beesly says: God, I am so so sorry. I had no idea. How will I ever make this up to you?
JHalpert76 says: Don’t worry about it.
Beesly says: Jim, seriously. I’m so sorry. I would never had traded it if I had known that was I there
A reply didn’t come for a minute.
Beesly says: What, am I getting the silent treatment?
JHalpert76 says: It’s fine. Really. How could you have known?
Beesly says: I know, but this is just so wrong. Thank you so much for what you tried to give me. I can’t believe you kept the golf pencil! That was such a sweet gift. I’m so so so so so sorry it turned into this mess.
Jim read her response. He wasn’t much for metaphors, but he couldn’t help thinking that the whole scenario summed everything up just perfectly. He had so much he wanted to give her, but she wouldn’t take it, and it was all just a big mess. He didn’t reply to her IM, but made a sales call and resolutely refused to meet her eyes the rest of the day.
She tried over and over again over the next several days to get things back to normal. She at least did manage to steal the picture off Dwight’s desk. She kept apologizing, but Jim always responded with a “it’s fine” or a “it’s no big deal” in a tone that clearly conveyed both that it wasn’t really fine and he had no desire to discuss it further.
She sought him out in the break room one afternoon and started excitedly telling him of a scheme to get revenge on Dwight, but he looked disinterested from the start. She managed to get a little laugh out of him, but when she finished her proposal, he just said. “I don’t know. I guess maybe I want to cut that stuff out now. I’d really rather just have as little to do with Dwight as possible. Pam didn’t even attempt to hide her disappointment.
It went on like that. He wasn’t mean to her, or even really cold, but she had lost her close friend and pranking partner. He was just friendly enough so that she couldn’t really call him on it without feeling silly, but things weren’t the same. She became frustrated with him; it seemed terribly unfair and unlike him to hold a grudge like he seemed to be holding it. Mostly, though, she simply missed him and the way he lightened her day and seem to really care about every little thing she had to say. No matter how many times she tried to convince herself that under the circumstances it was perfectly reasonable for her to keep the Ipod, she couldn’t help desperately wishing she could live that day over again.
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He knew he wasn’t really being fair. She had no way of knowing what had been inside, or the horrible repercussions that would follow. But, it was really just one more vivid reminder that she didn’t feel like he felt. So, when he felt stupid being mad about the teapot, he thought of how she pretty much told him to go to Maryland, or how she made him feel like an ass when he committed the horrible crime of picking her up, or how she had to make sure that he knew that swaying wasn’t dancing, or simply how she went home every night with someone else who treated her like crap.
The point was that it wasn’t going to happen, and it was time to accept that and move on. He had been hoping for years now that something would change, and it clearly wasn’t happening. That he would put so much into a gift that she would reject pretty much said it all. So, he had resolved that day to really make an effort to let go of his pathetic little crush. And it was easier to do that if he could stay just a little pissed at her. So, he would cultivate his bitterness, sometimes. He would remind himself that her overtures were attempts to make things like they always were, him pining away and getting put back in his place whenever he would dare to hope.
And so, he was laying off the jellybeans and trying to give up on hoping. He started seeking out dates and trying, really trying to think about women who didn’t have auburn curls. It wasn’t making him any happier, but he told himself it would just take time.
Eight hours a day, though, she was ten feet from him. He could keep himself from going over and making small talk and planning pranks and commiserating about Dwight and Michael, but he couldn’t stop stealing glances at her, couldn’t stop wondering how she was. He couldn’t stop noticing that her expression was getting sadder, more anxious, that she was smiling less often. He couldn’t stop wishing that he could have a chance to change that. But then he would remind himself that he never would, and he would turn back to his computer or make the next sales call.
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She plopped on the couch next to him. “You wouldn’t believe what Michael did today.”
“Oh yeah?” He didn’t take his eyes off the television.
“He called us all into the conference room and showed us this magic trick. He tied a chicken bone into a knot or something. Then everyone is just silent, wondering why he is showing us this, and he tells us that we need more magic around here. Selling paper is like doing magic, he says.”
He didn’t react, just continued watching two guys beating the snot out of each other. Ultimate Fighting, or something like that.
After a pause, he realized that she was finished, and he should react. Why was she bugging him with this stuff so much lately? “Yeah, well what‘s new? That guy is such an idiot,” he said, a touch of impatience in his voice.
She was exasperated with his disinterest. She squared to face him, and spoke forcefully. “Do I annoy you?”
“What? God, Pam, I’m just…I just want to watch this, okay? I don’t like talking about work and stuff all the time like you do.”
“You don’t like talking to me period.”
“Pam, come on…”
She got up and went to the bedroom. That night as she tried to go to sleep, she was seized by an almost panicky emotion. Not anger or sadness, or frustration, but a visceral feeling that the whole thing was so wrong, that all the plans and assumptions she had made for years and years were leading her into nothing but a grinding frustration. She would imagine breaking up with him, having a life without him. But, it seemed like stepping into an abyss. She couldn’t imagine it actually doing it, somehow.
She finally fell asleep, and in the morning felt normal again. She felt guilty about her thoughts and tried to blow them off, bury them away.
Things didn’t get better, though. The more she tried to connect with Roy, the more she felt like it was completely futile. He started going out even more often, and it would seem like just having a conversation with him where he didn’t seem annoyed with her was more and more difficult. Had they always had so little in common?
The same panicky feeling came again, and went away again the same way. But, as his gruff responses, annoyed glances, and cutting words mounted, the feeling kept returning. It always went away, but would come more and more often. And it became less panicky, and more exciting. When she imagined starting a new life without him, it started to seem not so impossible. The abyss started to seem preferable to the grind. She would start to think about it calmly, in the cold light of day. She started to imagine that maybe she could do it, after all.
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He hated going to work worse than ever. There was nothing redeeming about the office these days. From the time he got there every day, he could hardly wait to leave. His sales numbers were down, Dwight was more of ass than ever, and Michael’s hi-jinks had become less funny and more exasperating. He thought sometimes about going somewhere else, and thought maybe soon he would, but he just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.
He was dating, sort of. He had always been able to meet people, and he had forced himself to take some initiative as part of his moving on program. It was all just going through the motions, though. He didn’t actually feel anything. He even slept with one particularly eager bartender that Mark set him up with, but it meant nothing, certainly less than seeing Pam smile on one of the rare occasions he struck up a conversation with her.
He found himself completely indifferent to just about everything. He floated along, taking the path of least resistance. He kept trying to persuade himself that things would get better with time, but he as starting to have doubts. When he finally did really feel something, it was self-loathing.
He went out a few times with Chelsea, the sister of one of the guys he shot hoops with. He still didn’t really care one way or the other, but she did hold his interest a little more than the other women had. She was calm and quiet and interesting. A few times she would remind him of someone, and then he would realize it was Pam, and he would feel a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach.
Chelsea seemed interested in him, and he found himself wondering what he should do. Maybe if he hung in there a while he might come around. Then the thought flashed through his mind that he should at least keep dating her until they slept together.
His older brother had a friend, Craig, that Jim had always hated. Craig fancied himself the biggest womanizer on the planet, though from what Jim could tell Craig seemed to despise the whole female gender. He heard his brother ask Craig if he was still seeing some girl, and Craig had responded “I can’t dump her yet, we haven’t even fucked.”
So, when Jim realized he was turning into Craig, that was enough. At least when he was pathetically pining for Pam, he didn’t despise himself. He declared operation move on from Pam a failure, and the next day told Chelsea with all the graciousness he could muster that his heart just wasn’t in it.
“Yeah, I kinda thought so,” she said. She seemed less disappointed or surprised than he expected.
His anger with Pam completely ran out of steam, and turned to guilt. He knew very well that he had hurt her by pushing her away, by withholding his friendship. He had been a jackass, and whatever frustration there was in not having everything that he wanted with her, at least it had been something. At least they had been able to brighten each other’s day. At least he had been an important part of her life. He had tossed that away, and he hated himself for it.
Sunday night, as he watched the Sixers lose another one, he thought of hat he should say to her the next day, how he should apologize. He formed a satisfactory plan in his head, and fell asleep.
He went in early and eager the next morning, and waited for her to arrive. And waited. And waited. Of all the damn days for her to be out.
After nine years, it ended because of an eye roll.
One weekend afternoon Kenny was over and she hung out with him and Roy for a while, just making small talk. It all seemed fine enough. Kenny had mentioned wanting a motorcycle, and she told a story her dad had often told her about him showing off on his motorcycle when he and his mom were dating. She finished the story and headed to the kitchen. As she left, she happened to catch Roy out of the corner of her eye. He was rolling his eyes, mocking her story. .
She made it to the kitchen as the wave of anger hit her. After years and years, it was that eye roll that made her snap. She didn’t want this anymore. She felt like she could hardly stand it a minute longer. With a certainty that astounded her, she knew it was over. She went in the bedroom and waited for them to leave. Roy yelled a goodbye, and she called her mom. She wanted to take action before she lost her nerve.
She broke into tears as she heard her mom’s voice. She struggled to compose herself, wanting her mom to know that it was serious, that she wasn’t doing something rash in a fit of upset. “I can’t stand it anymore, mom. I don’t want this any more. I need to leave.”
She expected her mom to be shocked and upset. She thought she might try to talk her out of it, or at least sound some sort of skeptical note. Instead, Laura Beesly was calm and practical and told Pam she was on her way and that they would find her a new place to live and that everything would be okay.
Pam hung up the phone and started thinking about what to do. It was one thing to decide for sure that she wanted to break up with Roy, but actually doing it in practice was daunting. She wanted to have her stuff packed. As much as possible, she wanted it to be already done when she told him.
So, she started gathering her things. She didn’t want to leave anything she cared about with him. She saw the iPod as she was packing her stuff into boxes. It had been tucked away in a drawer for months. She never listened to it anymore; the memories were too painful. She started to pack it, but then decided she would leave it for Roy. She thought of Jim for a moment, wished things were like they were before. She quashed the thought, needing to focus on what she was doing and the trauma that was ahead of her.
Pam was diligently packing when her mom arrived a few hours later. When she saw her at the door, Pam lost it, and cried with her head on her mom’s shoulder like she had as a little girl. Laura held her daughter and didn’t talk, simply allowing Pam to release the emotion. When the tears were over, they packed together.
Her dad was there too, but Tom Beesly wasn’t big on emotions and conversation, so he waited outside in the truck, along with two of Pam’s cousins. Laura had quickly rallied a formidable moving squad. Before Roy even returned, Pam’s most important stuff was safely packed in her dad’s beloved Dodge Durango. Pam would spend the night in her parents’ house in Harrisburg, and the next day they would shop for an apartment.
All that was left was to tell Roy.
He came home around eight, sober, puzzled. He walked into his house and found Pam and her family sitting around the family room. As he arrived, everyone but Pam got up to leave, barely meeting his eyes.
“What’s going on?” He spoke forcefully, but with a tone more of confusion than anger.
Pam felt guilty about the situation; it seemed like an ambush. The truth was, though, that she felt safer with her parents outside in the car than she would trying to do this all alone. She felt that Roy would never really hurt her, but she could imagine him trying to intimidate her into changing her mind. Perhaps this wasn’t the bravest way of doing things, but it seemed the most sure to succeed.
Roy stood waiting for an explanation, a look on his face of confusion mixed with anger and fear as he registered the sadness and anxiety of her expression.
Pam had rehearsed her speech in her head and had hoped to deliver it with cold precision. She choked up, though, as his face registered what was happening.
“Roy, listen. I’m leaving. I’m not happy. I don’t think you’re happy either. We’re not…we just don’t have much in common anymore. We don’t talk, I mean like really talk. I feel like…God, Roy, I’m sorry. We just need to end this. It shouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to be in this anymore. My stuff is all packed I’m going…”
“What? Pam, come on. Settle down. What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? I know, I should listen more, I’m just...I don’t know…Pam, come on now. We can work this out, right? I mean we always have before.”
She was crying, but still got the words out. “Roy, I’m sorry. I’m really sure about this. We’ll both be better off.”
As she expected, the anger came.
“So that’s it, nine years and you just leave, no talking or nothing. You’re just giving up! That’s fucking great, Pam!” He checked himself, decided to make one last attempt. His voice softened. “Pam, I’ll work on stuff, whatever you know, we need to work on. I don’t want to lose you.” With great effort, and with genuine emotion, he softly added, “I love you.”
She knew it was true, and it made things more difficult, but she went ahead. “I love you too, Roy. But I’m not…” She couldn’t say it, couldn’t look at his pained face and tell him she wasn’t in love with him anymore. “We’re not making each other happy. I don’t want to be with you. I’m going now. Goodbye.”
She walked past him, hoping he wouldn’t erupt at her or block her path. He didn’t. He simply stood in silence as she walked past him and out the door.
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Jim was beside himself. Now that he had given up on squashing his feelings, they had come back with a vengeance. He was desperate to see her, to reconnect with her, to try to make things right between them. He imagined what she thought of him these days, and worse what she thought he thought of her. He perhaps couldn’t change anything about the first, but he had decided to set her straight on the second.
He had the card with him. The day that Jim suffered through Dwight’s gloating about the picture, he also found the card tucked discretely underneath some papers on his desk, apparently unopened. Even bastards have their limits, he had thought at the time. It had been that act of decency, as much as wanting to distance himself from Pam, that had led to him from abstaining from pranks against his former nemesis.
He had of course completely dismissed the thought of ever giving Pam the card, but for whatever reason he had kept it. Now, though, there was nothing much left to lose. He decided that the card might be the best way of explaining to Pam why he had acted like such an idiot. He had no illusions, at this point, that she would return his feelings, but he hoped knowing that he had acted like he had because he cared so much, rather than so little, would make her feel better and help them recover some sort for friendship, even it was to be an awkward one.
Unfortunately, the hours wore on and it seemed clear she wasn’t coming in at all. His frustration grew. The day seemed to take forever, and when it was ended he was left only to go home and spend a restless night, sleeping fitfully.
The next morning, his stomach was in a knot as he drove in. To his dismay, he didn’t see her car when he arrived. Again the minutes ticked by, past nine, past 9:30, and still she didn’t come in. He had to know what was going on. He was pretty sure she wasn’t on vacation, but if she was going to be out all week it was going to kill him. He pondered asking Michael about it, but that meant dealing with Michael, and starting a conversation that he didn’t want to start.
He decided his next best option was Phyllis. There wasn’t any obvious reason that Phyllis would know anything, but Phyllis tended to know lots of stuff there wasn’t an obvious reason for her to know. His gut told him it was worth a shot.
Halpert76 says: Good morning Phyllis
PLsoonPV says: Morning Jim. What’s up?
Halpert76 says: I was wondering do you know if Pam is coming in today? I had asked her to do something on Friday and I sort of need it.
PLsoonPV says: You hadn’t heard?
Jim’ stomach clenched even tighter, wondering if she was hurt or sick or if there had been some terrible news.
Halpert76 says: No, is everything okay?
PLsoonPV says: She and Roy broke up. She’s taking a couple of personal days. I think she is supposed to be back tomorrow.
Jim suddenly felt his heart beating through his chest and the air leave the room. He took a moment to compose himself, and glanced around the room to see if anyone was looking at him. Only Phyllis, who was smiling slyly. While Jim wasn’t usually one to take advantage of Phyllis’s gossiping tendencies, he had to make an exception in this case. And if Phyllis got a clue about his feelings, well, big deal.
Halpert76 says: Wow. Is she okay? Did you hear anything about it?
PLsoonPV says: Apparently she left him. Darryl said Roy is a wreck.
Jim did not know what to do with himself. After months of diligently attempting to feel nothing, he now had more feelings flying through him than he could handle. He took a breath, got up, and walked out, not caring what Phyllis might make of his obviously agitated state, or wondering how she was in the same loop as Darryl.
The day was brilliantly sunny, and he sat by himself by a tree bordering the parking lot, not giving a shit if anyone saw him and thought his behavior odd. He thought of what might be happening if things had been different, if he hadn’t denied her his friendship out of spit and frustration. Maybe she would be leaning on him. Maybe he would be helping her move. Did he really just fantasize about helping her move?
He wanted, needed to talk to her, to see her. He pondered calling her, but it didn’t feel right. He imagined how he might feel if the call went badly, if she returned the coldness he had been dealing her for months. He wondered what she might think when she first got the call from him; she might take it as a sign that breaking up with Roy made her worthy of his friendship again. That wasn’t the message he wanted to send.
As he was trying to figure out how to proceed, hope was surging through him. Maybe it was wrong, but he was elated that she had apparently dumped Roy. He was, above everything else, proud of her. And, though he tried to quash it, he couldn’t stifle the thought that maybe there was a chance now.
He realized, to his frustration, that he needed to be patient. He would have to wait until morning.
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Pam loved her mom.
Laura Beesly usually came across as a bit of a lightweight. She was a cheerful woman who talked a lot, often not about subjects of any great importance. But when Pam had called, she practically turned into a different person. She had quickly called a realtor she knew in Scranton and found a handful of suitable apartments. She had rallied her Pam’s father and a few of Pam’s cousins to help her move. She took care of all the logistics and at the same time reassured Pam constantly.
Things moved fast. Pam left on Sunday, chose an apartment on Monday, and spent Tuesday getting settled in and being with her mom. They talking, cried, ate huge amounts of ice cream, shopped, giggled, arranged furniture. When Tuesday night came and Laura left, Pam had a place to start anew and lots of motherly wisdom ringing in her ear, comforting her when her thoughts would spin out of control.
“Well, I know you haven’t been happy, lately. Even your father noticed it. You haven’t sounded like yourself. Sometimes these things just run their course.”
“You’re a grown up, honey. I didn’t think it was my place to say anything. But your father and I both have had our doubts for a while.”
“It’s the right thing. You have to trust yourself.”
“Maybe he has feelings for you. Maybe it just got to be too hard for him to just be your friend.”
“You’ll be okay. Sometimes it will seem like you won‘t, but you will.”
Her mom left late Tuesday afternoon, and Pam was alone. She had been dreading this moment. She was sure that once reality sunk in she would be hit by fear, or heavy despair, or some other painful emotion that she couldn’t even imagine. It just seemed to her like that is what would make sense. You end a nine-year relationship and are alone for the first time since your sophomore year of high school, you should feel lots of pain. It wasn’t hitting her yet, though. She stood in the middle of her apartment and felt a heady combination of pride and freedom. It was a warm April day, and there was still daylight left. Pam went for a walk, enjoying the sunshine, casing her new neighborhood. She wore just a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops, and tried to focus on not the past or the future, but just the warmth and sunshine hitting her body.
She walked slowly, aimlessly, descending one of Scranton’s steep hills. The thoughts and emotions couldn’t be blocked out, and they started to swirl in her head. It wasn’t what she expected, though. It wasn’t fear, or despair or any one thing at all, but a rush of different feelings that would come one after the other, unpredictably. There was freedom, anxiety, elation, regret, and others she couldn’t even describe. What kept coming back, though, was a certain thrill. She kept thinking she had felt something like it once before, and then all at once she realized that it was when she had seen the ocean for the first time as a little girl.
She walked back up the hill, feeling a little chilly as the daylight faded. Every now and then, there would be a flash of panic, or a brief feeling of loss, but the excitement was larger than the grief. It almost made her feel guilty, or shallow, that she wasn’t in pain like she should be. She reassured herself that it would come later.
She cooked herself some spaghetti and ate it with two glasses of wine. She spent the rest of evening continuing the work she and her mom had been doing setting things up. With some reluctance, she went to bed, prepared for a restless night. Instead, she fell asleep quickly, and was greeted by her alarm going off at what seemed a cruelly early time.
The reality of morning dealt a blow to her optimism. Her time of being cocooned playing house with her mom was over; she had to go back to work and face the real world. The anxiety mounted as she drove to the office. She worried about seeing Roy, about what everyone in the office had heard about her, what they might be thinking of her. She thought about Jim and again thought how much she missed him, how much she wished things were like they used to be between them. What had he heard? What was he going to think of all this? Did he even think of her much at all these days?
She walked in and nervously made her way towards her desk. Most everyone was already in. She cast a nervous glance at Jim, who, to her surprise, smiled warmly at her. It gave her a lift, a bit of reassurance. She weakly smiled back and continued to her desk, not making eye contact with anyone else.
As she sat down, she saw next to her keyboard a brand new teapot and two cards with her name on them, both in Jim’s familiar handwriting.