Defining Moments

Part One

There were defining moments. Moments that shone though the darkness and kept her heart beating when all she wanted to do was not feel any more. She lays there in her new apartment and listens to the sound of cars tracking up and down the street outside; she rests back into the pillow as the memory of him floats into her mind.

She watches as he runs back and forth across the warehouse floor, the neck of his grey t-shirt darkened by sweat; he sinks one basket after another and she wants to die. She can’t take her eyes of the way that his body looks and can’t stop the millions of butterflies in her stomach from whizzing about when he swipes the back of his hand across his glistening forehead.

Bodies interrupt her view as they merge in front of her; wave after wave of blurry colour and form provides respite until the picture again becomes clear and he walks into the frame. She thinks he looks taller and older maybe… something is very different and she can scarcely breathe.

There’s a little dried blood smeared on his top lip and the beginning of a nasty bruise underneath the red. For a crazy moment, she thinks that she might reach out and touch his face. He takes a long drink of water and hands her the near empty bottle and she finds that she can’t look him in the eye when he smiles and tells her to wish him luck.

Someone yells “Break-time over!” she places the bottle on the table and manages to look up just in time to catch the damp towel that was just flung at her. “Wish me luck, babe?” She watches Roy’s retreating figure as he makes his way back to the makeshift court and she is more scared than she has ever been. She is scared that she can’t look at him in the same way anymore. Lately all she can think is that she has choices and that he is just one of many - when for the longest time he was her only choice.

The minutes pass.

He catches a high pass sent up by Ryan before he hit the deck hard under a challenge from Roy. He ignores Michael pleas to pass the ball and instead runs down the court; he looks up for a split second before sending the ball into the basket.

She is watching Jim and finds that she can’t catch her breath.

Later in the office, she watches him again. His hair, still damp after his shower, is curled a little at the ends and for the second time that day she wonders what it would be like to touch him.

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam speaking”.

“Babe, did you ask if you could leave early for the weekend?”

“Um, I dunno Roy, everyone’s kinda busy here.” She whispered.

“Can’t you just divert the calls for a couple of hours – come on, you won’t be missed.”

“It’s not as simple as that. I need to organise something for Michael and…”

“Pam, I don’t want to be stuck in traffic for hours and that’s what will happen if we don’t get moving early okay?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“For Christ’s sake, you’re just the receptionist – I’m sure they’ll cope without you babe.”

“I have to go. Bye.”

He is still pissed about the basketball game when he comes by a short while later to pick her up. He makes some throwaway comment to Jim about him being Larry Bird but she can see that his pride is hurt. She should want to take Roy’s side but she finds that she can’t.

Sometimes, he would make snide insults about Jim when she would laugh and tell him about something funny that had happened at the office that day; she always chose to ignore him when all she wanted to do is to yell at him to shut up. She imagined that Roy would start up as soon as they hit the road. Grabbing her coat from the rack she held Jim’s stare for a second longer than she should have and it was like a lightening bolt had entered her body and was pummelling through her sending her nerve endings into overdrive.

The sound of the traffic increased as the rain fell hard and water flashed against the underside of cars. She loved it when it when a storm blew through town. She loved the smell of the night air in her small garden as the ground swelled to take in the water and the plants turned their faces upwards to drink.

Sleep wouldn’t come and so Pam crept outside and stood in the open doorway and breathed in the scent of the garden. Moss and honeysuckle mingled as did the smell of jasmine and the freshly cut grass. The milky glow of the moon illuminated the garden and she took in the sight of raindrops splashing and sliding down fern leaves and watched as water pooled around the base of her newly planted bay tree.

The storm has inched up the temperature a few degrees and despite the fierce wind, she wasn’t cold. Slipping off her socks, she walked out into the garden and stood at the centre with her arms outstretched and her face turned to the inky blue sky. It took seconds before her t-shirt and pyjamas were drenched. She pushed her long hair away from her face and closed her eyes. Right there in that moment she felt free. Free from the mess that she had made since breaking up with Roy and free from the pain that sucked at her core when she thought about Jim.

Rain danced on her arms and face and she opened her mouth and let some of the drops splash on her tongue. This time she wasn’t prepared for the memory when it came and it took all her strength to stay on her feet.

“I’m in love with you”.

She had covered; she had said that she couldn’t be with him and in doing so she avoided what had been staring her in the face for so long. But later when he found her in the office and without a word held her firmly in his arms and kissed her, she knew that there would never be anyone else except him. But the shock of his confession made her retreat and instead of staying there in the moment she had turned him down. She never wanted the kiss to end; when she ran her hands over his chest and brought them down to meet his hands, she felt every fibre of her being react to his touch. She wanted more than anything to kiss him again. But she didn’t and he left.

The wind cut through the trees and sent a few leaves sailing into the air. She watched as they tried to settle but as the wind continued to whip backwards and forwards she lost sight of them. She had hurt him and now it was her turn to feel the searing pain of rejection. What had she expected him to do…hang around while she got married to someone else? Did she imagine that he wouldn’t pursue a life; a life that took him out of Scranton and out of her reach? He deserved more. More than Scranton had to offer and more than she was willing to give.

But circumstance had brought him home again and they were beginning to be friends once more and it meant everything. A few days ago she had told him that she missed him and that she had called off her wedding, in part, because of him. He had told her that he felt like he had never really come back and so she told him that she wished he would. They had talked a couple of times since then but he was busy preparing for his interview and she guessed he was also busy with Karen. What could she do, ask him to act like last year had never happened? She didn’t want to take a step back and she didn’t want him to either – she just hoped that they could learn how to walk in time together again.

She wondered how his interview had gone that day and although she tried not to, if he was still in New York celebrating with Karen. Would he come back this time? He still cared for her of that she was sure but could she dare to hope that he was still in love with her. The gate had pulled free of the lock and she ran to fasten it again before it slammed against the side of the house again and woke her neighbours.

The rain fell harder and she looked up and saw the heavy clouds speed past. The night was alive with energy and she felt as though a little had been transferred to her. She spun round and round again looking at the sky until it was a swirling picture of blue and grey. She heard the banging of the gate again but this time ignored it as she slowed to a stop and tried to catch her breath. Bent over she took in a few deep breaths before she stood upright and opened her eyes.

She couldn’t quite believe that he was standing there before her. She found that she could no longer form words as he yelled “hi” over the crash of thunder that erupted over their heads – she could offer nothing in response. She was rooted to the spot and unable to concentrate on anything other than breathing.

The seconds ticked away before he eventually spoke again.

“I turned the job down.”

“I’m not moving away.”

“I ended things with Karen.”

His tone became more insistent as he continued to shout hearing nothing in response.

“Are you listening to me Pam, I didn’t take the job!”

“Did you hear what I said…why…why aren’t you saying anything?” He stepped closer to her and yelled again.

“I came back for you.”

“I can’t!” The words escaped her lips without her being conscious of why she had said them. She watched with horror as his face registered shock and pain and then all of a sudden he closed the distance between them.

“I won’t let you walk away this time Pam. I won’t!”

“I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“Then don’t.”

“What if we fail; I don’t want to lose you Jim…I couldn’t bear it.”

He reached for her and pulled her close as his lips found hers. Breaking apart, he held her face in his hands and watched as tears mingled with rain drops and slid down her face.

“You will never lose me, do you understand that! You have been everything to me for so long Pam…this is it for me.”

Sliding her hands around his neck she kissed him softly and whispered that she loved him.

“I love you too”. He said as his voice was drowned out by another roar of thunder.

They stood with their foreheads resting against one another before he turned her face towards him. He kissed her gently and took in a deep breath when she took his bottom lip in hers and teased it with her tongue. He deepened the kiss and she heard herself moan as his tongue wrestled with her own. His hands tangled in her hair as he grabbed the back of her head and pushed harder against her mouth. Gasping, she pushed her body into his as she sought to be closer to him. Jim pushed back as he half carried her towards the house. Stopping at the doorway, he backed her against the wall and kissed her ferociously; breaking the kiss for a second, he looked at her – his eyes telling her what he needed when words failed him.

“I…I want…make love to me… please Jim.”

Her feet lost contact with the ground as he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the house.

They had not moved beyond the small kitchen. Kissing furiously, they paused only to grab at each other’s clothing – Pam had helped him slide down her pyjama bottoms and lifted his t-shirt and jumper over his head and had thrown it onto the worktop, nearly sending a carton of grape juice onto the floor in the process.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” He breathed as he brought his hand to her breast. His hand stilled as he lifted his gaze to meet hers – “touch me” she whispered as he sought her mouth.

Her legs were shaking and she was sure that they wouldn’t be able to hold up for much longer, raising her leg, she wrapped it around the back of his thighs - he grabbed behind her leg and hoisted her up so that she straddled him. Pushing her back against the wall, he kissed her neck and then kissed lower until he came to her breasts; the soaked white material clung to her torso, she shivered and then moaned as his warm mouth closed round her nipple. His hand massaged her other breast and she tightened her legs around his waist and gazed down at him as he touched her. He mumbled something about wanting to rip her t-shirt off and she managed to focus to tell him that her bedroom was the next door along. He carried her the rest of the way and put her down once they had reached her bed.

As soon as they had broken apart, she felt exposed and less sure of herself by the second. Her t-shirt was plastered to her body; managing only to reach just past her hips and her white cotton panties she was sure, would be see through also.

He continued to stare at her and frowned as she seemed to wither under his gaze. The girl that had asked him to take her to bed with such determination just a few moments ago was fast disappearing before his eyes - when she hugged her arms around herself in an effort to hide from him, he reached for her. He told her what was in his heart; that she was beautiful and sexy and that he wanted to lose himself in her forever. She smiled a trademark Pam smile and he couldn’t help but grin inanely back at her.

Not for the first time that evening he tried to fathom what was happening between them. It was past midnight, he was standing in her bedroom, holding her. They had kissed…hell, done way more than kiss; he wasn’t taking the job; he wasn’t with Karen and she had told him that she loved him. He was sure that at any moment he would wake up at his desk; Dwight would be haranguing him for sleeping on the job and then he would look over to the reception desk as Roy strolled in and took her away from him again.

He felt her cold hands dance over his chest and inhaled the scent of her wet hair as she placed deep kisses up and down his neck. He held his breath as she unbuckled his belt and undid his pants; when she took him in her hand, he bit his lip to stop from shouting out.

The rest of their clothes discarded, they fell onto the bed and kissed and held each other as the rain continued to tap steadily against the bedroom window. Despite the earlier urgency, when they made love it was considered and slow. They had stared at each other in wonder as he moved inside her; he had touched her as if she would break and she could tell that he was holding back. When she cried out as she came, he kissed her and then rested his head against her chest as he too lost control.

“That was…” He stopped and took in a deep breath. Pam knew that he was waiting for her to fill in the blank.

“Amazing.” She smiled and kissed him deeply.

“I’m er…I gotta use the bathroom okay?”

“Of course, it’s next door.”

As soon as he left, she leapt out of bed and riffled through her chest of drawers to find something to wear - her earlier shyness had retuned and being naked was making her nervous. Nothing she owned was particularly inspiring; Minnie Mouse pyjamas and an assortment of sexless shorts and nightdresses stared back at her. Then she remembered and reached to the back of the drawer and pulled out a black satin pyjama top – the bottoms had somehow ended up in the spin dryer shortly after she had bought them last year and were ruined and so all she was left with was the top. She slipped it over her head and climbed back into bed just as he came back.

He was wearing his boxers and before he got back into bed he picked up their wet clothes from the floor and laid them over the back of her chair. He had brought a glass of water with him and offered her a drink before gulping down the remainder of the cold liquid himself. In the whole time they were together, she couldn’t recall Roy ever picking up after himself. He would also be the one to take a drink first before asking her if she wanted some. These were small things, she knew that and yet they meant so much.

They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms and then drifted apart as the hours ticked by. Waking up, Pam looked over and read 04:49 on the clock radio. She watched his chest rise and fall and suppressed the desire to reach out to him. He needed to sleep; who knew what kind of day he’d just had. Thoughts of what he may have said to Karen ran through her mind until she felt wired and not at all sleepy. As she went to climb out of bed, she felt his hand close around her arm.

“Where are you going?” he yawned.

“I can’t sleep. I didn’t want to disturb you and so I was going to take a bath.

“Me either.” He mumbled.

“Me either what?”

“I can’t sleep either.”

“Er, news flash Jim, you have been comatose and snoring – not the actions of a man who is awake I would suggest.”

“I was faking it Beasley.”

“ReallY?”

“Yep. I’m a big faker.”

“Me too.” She giggled as he caught her meaning and gasped.

Jim made a grab for her as she tried to scramble out of bed and in an easy movement, had trapped her beneath him.

“So, you faked it huh?”

“I never said that.”

“No, you implied it.”

“Did I?”

“Yes you did. Now, question: do you want to try this lovemaking thing again?” he said in a mock-serious tone.

“Absolutely I do.” She replied gravely, smiling as the joke registered with him and he burst out laughing.

When she had stopped his laughter with a kiss, he kissed her back urgently and shifted his weight so that his chest rested against her own. This time his actions weren’t so restrained; he lifted her top over her head and then kissed his way down her body until her reached her stomach. He placed light kisses on the soft flesh and then moved her legs further apart as he kissed lower. Pam clutched at the duvet cover; casting her head back deeper into the pillow, she moaned as she felt his finger slide inside her. Her orgasm was building fast and when he pushed his tongue harder against her, she yelled out his name as she hurtled over the edge.

Urging him back to her, she rolled onto her side and took him in her hand. His eyes never left hers as she touched him. Climbing on top of him, she sank down onto him and then rocked back and forth as slowly as she could bear. Sitting back she watched as his breathing became more erratic and he groaned deeply; he reached out and caressed her breasts as she increased her pace.

Without warning he rolled them over so that he was again above her. Pushing into her, he kissed her hard. Matching his rhythm as he went deeper, she felt the familiar tug in her stomach - she heard herself call out his name again and again as he kissed her; his hand brushing back the hair from her forehead. She kissed him back with all the energy she had left and held him to her as he came.

The smell of bacon registered as he willed himself awake. Falling back to sleep he awoke again at the feel of her lips on his own. Keeping his eyes shut, he reached round the back of her head and deepened the kiss.

“Morning, sleepy head.”

“Morning yourself. What time is it?”

“Just after nine; I made breakfast.”

“You did! Wow.”

“Well, I figured given last night’s erm…activities that you’d require sustenance.”

He felt himself blush and grinned as he noticed that a reddish glow had found its way onto her cheeks also.

“So, what do we have?” He said trying to keep his tone level.

“Bacon, eggs and French toast.”

“My God woman, you keep treating me like this and I’ll never want to leave.”

“Promise?” She said smiling.

“Yes. That’s a promise.” He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her into a hug.

“So, what do you want to do today?” He said as he wiped away a tear that had fallen onto her cheek.

“I don’t know, what ever you want to do is fine with me. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that you’re here, in my bed, in Scranton. You’re not in New York.”

“No. I’m not in New York.”

“And you’re okay with that...I mean about not getting the promotion?”

“Pam, it was never about getting the promotion, it was about distance you know that. Everything has been so confused and difficult between us for so long now. Even when you left Roy, I wasn’t sure where I stood with you and how you might feel about me. Then that night on the beach, you said what you said and I didn’t know how to adjust to the shift in our dynamic. I started to believe that you really might feel for me the way I have felt about you for so long and it was too much. I didn’t want to trust that feeling because it all seemed so incredible and so I tried to continue with my life the way it was.”

“So what changed your mind?”

“I was at the interview and it was going really great when I came across a note that you had written to me, it was from that time when we organised Office Olympics. I just kept staring at it and thinking that if there was the slightest chance that we could be together, then I had to take it. Pam you’re my best friend and I have missed you so much; I sat there imagining what you were doing at that moment and how I wished more than anything else to be there with you and so I finished up the interview and left.”

“What did you say to Karen?” Pam looked to the floor.

“I don’t think it was a complete surprise to her that I still had feelings for you as we had already had that particular conversation. But I told her that it wasn’t fair to her to continue the relationship when I still hoped that you and I could work things out. It was horrible…we had driven back to her apartment after the interviews and she didn’t say anything at first and then calmly told me to get out. She wouldn’t listen to my apology, not that I blame her; I don’t think I would be interested in her position. I mean what can you say in that situation when essentially what it comes down to is that you care about someone else more than you care about them?”

“Jim, what do we do at work on Monday?”

“Well, you answer the phones and I’ll sell some paper.”

“I’m serious; everything is still so confused and I don’t want to hurt Karen any more than we have already.”

“Me either Pam but I’m not sure there is anything we can do. I mean certainly we should try and avoid making out at the vending machine but we can’t keep it a secret forever.”

“Someone always gets hurt don’t they?”

“Yes, they do.”

Pam got back into bed and they sat in companionable silence as they ate their breakfast. He insisted on washing the dishes after he took a shower and then asked her if she was free for dinner that evening.

“Are you asking me out on a date Jim Halpert?” Her eyes sparkled as she smiled up at him.

“Yes.”

“Well, I do have some cleaning to do and I was hoping to defrost the refrigerator…but I guess I could put that off until another night.”

“I was thinking Hooters for dinner and drinks?”

“Shut up!”

“What? No good? What about Chilli’s then - I mean it’s a little fancier than I had planned but you’re worth it.” He wisecracked.

“You know that defrosting thing is sounding more and more tempting.”

“Okay, you win. We won’t go to Chilli’s.”

“So where are you taking me?”

“I would tell you but then I would have to kill you.”

“Nice!”

“Let’s just say inspiration hit when I was taking a shower. So, is it okay if I pick you up at seven thirty?”

“Yes. Can you at least give me a clue about where were going?”

“Let me think…no.”

Pam pretended to sulk as he held her hand as they walked to his car. He kissed her on the forehead and climbed behind the wheel. She watched as he drove off and went back inside when she could no longer see him. She closed the front door and leaned back against it. How she going to make it through the day she had no idea. Being apart from him was torture and so far she’d only endured a couple of minutes of it.

A few more moments passed until she felt ready to try and get on with her day. The sound of knocking made her jump; she turned to look through the peep hole and almost shrieked with happiness when she saw Jim standing there. Flinging open the door she stood unable to take a breath as he stepped towards her, placing his hands on her face, he kissed her.

“Okay, so I can’t wait until dinner – are you free for lunch?” He grinned as she grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the house.

The End