She wished that she were numb. That she never had to feel again. She wanted the sharp ache in her hear to dull, so that she could breathe…if only for a moment. She wished that she couldn’t still see the hurt in his eyes as her shaking hands slowly slipped out of his and he walked away, leaving her frozen in place, gasping for air. It took a few minutes for the realization of everything that had just happened to hit her, and when it did it hit hard. She sunk onto the floor next to his desk, wrapping her arms around herself, her body wrenching with sobs.

When she was finally able to stand, she slowly made her way out of the office and down to the parking lot, praying that he would still be there. She had to fix this. Make it right. But he was not there and the dark, empty parking lot was a cruel mirror image of how she felt inside. She called a cab and sat stiffly, unable to stop the silent tears that rolled down her face. The driver looked at her sympathetically in the rearview mirror and she could tell that he was trying hard not to ask questions. She was sure the last thing he wanted was to be here in this cab with an emotionally unstable woman.

By the time the cab had pulled into the front of her house, the tears were gone and Pam sat stone-faced, staring out the window at the future she had chosen. Roy’s truck was in the driveway and she could see the light from the TV casting blue shadows on the wall. When Pam had envisioned her future, she had pictured a beautiful wedding, babies, a small white house with a big window that she could put an easel in front of. She pictured Sunday mornings with kids jumping on the bed to wake her, the smell of the chocolate chip pancakes and lots of laughter. For so many years the person who she had wanted to share those dreams with had been Roy. She had pictured building that life with him. But as time passed the image of Roy’s face began to fade away. Pam remembered becoming angry when she would start to Jim in that place. She would wait until Roy was dead asleep and she would cry tears of anger, confusion and even of loss, even though she didn’t understand how she could lose something she never had. Then she would see Jim’s face smiling at her and she knew that something was missing. She thought briefly about telling the driver to take her to Jim’s house.

She was staring up at the window when she saw Roy stand up and move in front of the window. After several minutes she climbed out of the cab and gently shut the door, so as not to catch Roy’s attention. Not that he would notice anyways. She walked slowly towards the house, but couldn’t bring herself to go inside. She sat down on the front step and cradled her head in her hands. She thought of what was waiting for her on the other side of the door she thought of the day he asked her out, the football captain leaning up against the locker of a shy, mousy girl in a turtleneck. She remembered the way his hands shook as he put on her corsage for their prom. She thought of the day he proposed on the shore of the lake after a day of wakeboarding. It wasn’t exactly the fairytale proposal she had envisioned, since Roy’s brother was passed out a few feet away and Roy was semi-drunk, but he had been sincere and sweet and she had been genuinely happy when she accepted.

It was after that things started changing. He began spending more time out with his brother and the guys from the warehouse. At first it bothered her and they would fight about it constantly, but soon she began to grow weary of the fighting and found that it was just easier to put on a smile and pretend that it was okay. She had gotten so used to pretending that it became hard for her to distinguish between the truth and what she portrayed to be reality to the world.

Then she had met Jim and it at first it was easy to pretend that her friendship with Jim had no effect on her relationship with Roy. But then she began to feel things when she looked at Jim. There were those moments when his hand would graze hers or he would look at her and her heart would soar. She tried to brush it away as nothing, but as time went by it was just become another lie she told to herself. She wasn’t sure the exact moment that she knew that she had fallen for him, but she did know that it scared the hell out of her. She remembered the Valentines Day, when she had watched bouquet after bouquet be delivered to others and she knew deep down that nothing was coming for her. She couldn’t help but wonder what her Valentines day would have been like if she was with Jim. What funny gift he would have given her, what it would be like to fall asleep in his arms. She went home that night, faked a headache which caused a huge fight with Roy and fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from crying.

Now it was over. She had made her choice. All she wanted to do was go to Jim, grab him, kiss him and say she was sorry. But who would forgive the person that had ripped out their heart and shredded it to pieces? She had never felt more lost in her life. She couldn’t move forward and she could go back to the lie she was living. She made a decision right then and there, hugging her knees to her chest against the chill of the night air. She had to make a change. She couldn’t keep living this way. She had to end it with Roy; she knew she couldn’t marry him. Despite the dull ache in her chest she felt a small glimmer of hope that maybe, she could recreate a life for herself and then maybe beg Jim for another chance, when a little time had passed. She wiped the last tears from her eyes, letting her fingers linger on her lips, still warm from Jim’s kiss. Then she stood up and walked inside the house. The next night Pam Beesly moved out of her house, away from the man of her past and towards a new and hopefully brighter future.

Pam waited until she saw Jim’s car pull out of the parking lot before she finally allowed the tears to fall. She leaned her head in her hands and finally let the emotions of the day spill out. Less than 12 hours ago she had been practically skipping around her apartment. She had painstakingly laid out her outfit the night before and spent over an hour carefully curling her hair and even applying new makeup that she had bought. She had been on cloud nine since she found out that he had been coming back to Scranton. She was so anxious that she found herself unable to sit still for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Finally it was time for her to leave for work. She sat at her desk, glancing towards the door every few seconds to see if he was there. She had planned out this day in her head and how she was not going to let anymore time go to waste. She was lost in thought when the door opened and there he was. She felt as if her stomach had leapt into her chest. He looked great and she was amazed at how much he hadn’t changed. The same shaggy brown hair falling across his forehead, the smile that she had missed so much, the familiar way he walked. She couldn’t stand it anymore. The minute his eyes met hers she was out of her desk and running towards him. She flung her arms around his neck, pulling him close. Her heart began to race as she felt his arms wrap tightly around her. He was finally here and she felt that everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, it only took about fifteen minutes for Pam to realize that this day probably wasn’t going to play out the way she had hoped. He brushed her off in the break room, but she tried to ignore it, telling herself that it would just take a little bit of time to get things back to normal.

Her attempts to catch his eye were repeatedly unsuccessful and she couldn’t tell if it was just because of his new seating arrangement or if he was purposely trying not to look at her. Her fears were confirmed when she saw the hand on his back, the smile on his face that wasn’t meant for her. She felt that she had been punched in stomach and the lump that had formed in her throat made her feel like she couldn’t breathe. She just outside, frozen in place long after everyone else had returned to the office.

She spent the rest of the day in a haze. There was no shared looks, no trips to her desk for a jellybean. Her heart was breaking and all she could think was that she deserved it. Why had she been stupid enough to think he was actually coming back to her? With 5:00 approaching Pam forwarded the phones and hurried into the break room, so that she wouldn’t have to see him leave…with her. She could feel the absence of his eyes on her as she passed him and it made her already aching heart hurt even more. She had lost him. He had offered her everything and she had thrown in away like it didn’t matter. She had broken him when he was most fragile.

She waited until 5:25, when she was sure the office was empty before she made her way out of the break room and headed down to her car. His voice, gently cutting through parking lot, startled her. For a moment her hopes soared, wondering if maybe he was going to give her another chance, but they quickly came crashing back down when he apologized for any weirdness and then told her the piece of information that she had so desperately hoped wasn’t true. She didn’t even know what she was saying back to him, her mouth was moving, but the words that were coming out were not the words that were screaming from her heart. She was almost 100% certain that she had seen a flash of disappointment in his eyes and she instantly knew that she had made another mistake. He had taken a chance, put it on the line again and she was so petrified of the inevitable rejection that she didn’t recognize this final chance he had given her before it was too late. Then he was gone and she was alone again, standing in the dark parking lot, facing the incessant black emptiness that she had hoped was finally going to go away.

Now here she was, sitting in her car, body wracked with silent sobs of regret and loneliness and of love lost. She sat in the parking lot for over an hour, feeling as though at least if she were here she would be somewhere that reminded her of him. She sat there staring out the window, the silence engulfing her making her feel more alone than she ever thought was possible. Eventually, she was unable to cry anymore and she felt weak and exhausted. She started the car and slowly pulled out of the parking lot. She unlocked the door to her apartment and walked inside, dropping her keys and purse on the floor as she walked down the hall to her bedroom. She curled up in a ball on the bed, not even bothering to take off her coat. She lay there, unmoving in the darkness, a nauseous feeling washing over her as she thought about what he might be doing at that moment.

It was at that moment, that Pam realized that something was going to have to change in her life if she was going to be able to get out of bed ever again. She had lost him, the fault was entirely her own and now she had to move on. She didn’t blame him, how could she? She knew that she was lucky that he had talked to her at all. He deserved better than her and even if it wasn’t going to be with her, she wanted him to be happy. She wondered briefly, before slipping into a restless sleep, if she was ever going to be happy again. The uncertainty of it all was daunting, but she knew that somehow she was going to have to try.