INT – Reception.

Natalie is typing at her computer when a cell phone beeps from her desk. We hear Kevin’s voice coming through the speaker of the cell phone, like a walkie-talkie.

KEVIN
The copy machine is jammed again.

Natalie looks over to see Kevin standing two feet away at the copier, talking into an identical cell phone like a walkie-talkie.

NATALIE
I’m right here Kevin.

JIM Talking Head:
After I went missing for four hours the other day, and caused a massive wave of panic among everyone here at the office, Michael decided to buy everyone in the office a cell phone with the ability to walkie-talkie each other. On the first day, Michael and Dwight used the walkie-talkies to recreate Vietnam scenes from Forrest Gump.

INT – Office

In a flashback to several days prior, everyone is sitting at their desk as Michael and Dwight’s voices play over everyone’s cell phones.

DWIGHT (over the speaker of the cell phones in the voice of “Bubba” from Forrest Gump)
My family knows ever’thing there is to know ‘bout the shrimpin’ bidness. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp-

MICHAEL (over the speaker interrupting)
They get the point, Dwight.

DWIGHT (over the speaker)
… Pepper shrimp. Shrimp soup-

Jim looks at Natalie who just shakes her head and laughs. Stanley rolls his eyes.

MICHAEL (speaker)
Stop it, Dwight!

DWIGHT (speaker)
Shrimp stew. Shrimp salad. Shrimp-

MICHAEL (interrupts over speaker)
NO! They killed Bubba! They killed Bubba, Lieutenant Dan!

Andy pumps his fist in the air at his desk.

ANDY
This is so good!

DWIGHT (speaker, still as Bubba)
I wanna go home... Michael.

INT – Office

Back to the present, Jim and Dwight are sitting at their desks. Michael walks out of his office holding his "walkie-talkie" phone.

MICHAEL
Jim. Why is the “Do Not Disturb” symbol by your name on my phone?

JIM
Oh. Because I don’t want to be disturbed.

MICHAEL
Well, how am I supposed to reach you if I can’t call you from my office?

JIM
I’m here now, Michael. What’s up?

Michael turns around and heads back into his office.

MICHAEL
Ughhhhhhhhh….

MICHAEL Talking Head:
The walkie-talkie thing? Best idea I ever had. Most definitely. Now I never have to leave my office. (Holds up his phone.) There is a group call function. Best invention ever. I’m thinking we should turn the conference room into a Dunder Mifflin lounge because the group call feature will make the conference room virtually useless. I’m going to pimp it out. Thirteen inch flat screen plasma tv, Super Nintendo game system… I also still own a Sega Dreamcast which is… all that anybody plays these days. A couple bean bag chairs, hang a strobe light from the ceiling, jukebox, couple of board games… people will never want to go home. “What are you doing this weekend?” “Oh, just hanging out at the office.” “Really? You would hang out at the office on a Saturday? Who does that?” “Well, you would hang out at the office on a Saturday if your office was extra awesome.” Oh. Speaking of that group call… watch this.

He taps a button on his desk phone that causes it to ring. He laughs and holds his “walkie-talkie” phone up to the desk phone, recording the ringing sound of the desk phone.

INT – Office

Everyone is still at their desks as we hear the sound of about fifteen phones ringing in the office. All at once, everyone picks up their desk phones and we hear a chorus of “Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie.” “Dwight Schrute speaking.” “Extension 128.” “Hello?” “What?” We hear Michael cracking up from his office. Everyone slams their phones down angrily.

INT – Michael’s office.

MICHAEL
Oh, that was fun. Let’s do it again. I-

He goes to make the group call, but the camera shows that everyone is now listed under “Do Not Disturb” on his cell phone.

MICHAEL
Oh. Well... now how am I supposed to be productive?

INT – Michael’s office

MICHAEL Talking Head:
Can you feel it? Can you feel the excitement in the air? I know. Everyone is literally bouncing off the walls out there.

INT – Office

Everyone is moving around in a typical slow pace. No one looks remotely excited.

MICHAEL
Tonight is Dunder Mifflin’s 11th annual Dundie Awards, and it’s going to be the best yet. Fourtunately, this year, our two-year ban from Chili’s has been removed. Because a party ain’t a party without an Awesome Blossom and seven different kinds of margaritas. Ooh- even better than a margarita, their chocolate milkshake. That is very good. With a Pepper Pals corn dog on the side. They make me pay an extra dollar to order off the kids menu, but, ah, it’s the best.

INT – Kitchen.

Dwight is standing by the counter eating a banana, talking into his “walkie-talkie” cell phone.

DWIGHT (into phone)
The coast is clear, Monkey. What’s your twenty?

ANGELA (we hear her voice through Dwight’s speaker)
I’m in the breakroom. Over.

DWIGHT
If you’re alone, cough twice.

ANGELA
I’m alone.

INT – Break room.

Angela is talking into her phone.

ANGELA
Dwight, I need you to listen to me very closely. I have a plan. Michael has assigned me as designated driver tonight. Now, if you pretend to get drunk at the Dundies, I can give you a ride home.

INT - Kitchen

Dwight smiles mischievously.

DWIGHT (into phone)
Should I bring the handcuffs?

ANGELA (over speaker)
No.

DWIGHT
The taser?

ANGELA
No.

DWIGHT
The love whip?

ANGELA
Dwight!

DWIGHT
But you loved the love whip last time.

ANGELA
Just stick with the plan I have given you, Dwight. That is all.

DWIGHT
Copy that. No, wait. Actually, I had plans with my laser tag team to go see Prince Caspian tonight.

ANGELA
You’ve already seen that movie 17 times.

DWIGHT
But this time it’s my turn to dress up as Aslan.

INT – Reception

Jim is leaning over Natalie’s reception desk as she works at her computer.

JIM
So. Your first Dundie Awards. Are you excited?

NATALIE
Well, I’m kind of disappointed that Michael scheduled it on the same night as the NBA Finals-

JIM
Oh, crap. How are you going to blog about it now??

NATALIE
Shut-up. I figured I can just watch most of it from the bar. It is only the first game. At least I get some Southwestern Eggrolls out of it.

JIM
Southwestern Eggrolls, huh?

NATALIE
Have you ever had them?

JIM
Can’t say that I have.

NATALIE
Well, they’re pretty amazing… Oh, and I was kind of thinking that I would invite Josh.

JIM
Oh, cool. So this would be date number…

NATALIE
Eight.

JIM
Wow. Really? (Natalie smile and nods.) So should I start preparing my best man speech now, or-

NATALIE
Ok! Time for you to get back to work.

JIM
Maybe he’ll propose to you over a plate of honey-chipotle Chicken Crispers. Hide the ring in their molten chocolate cake. Have all the waiters come over and sing "Happy Engagement." Ooh… that’s a good idea.

NATALIE
Really? Because I was thinking maybe instead of coming up with ideas for your brother’s proposal, maybe you need to start working on your own.

JIM
Oh. Oh, snap.

NATALIE
I think you just got served.

JIM
Wow. Who says that? What is that? Michael's school of grammar for hard knocks?

NATALIE
Slowly back away from the desk, please.

INT – Michael’s office

MICHAEL Talking Head
I have my main woman, Phyllis, head of the party planning committee, out picking up some extra supplies for tonight. I’m gonna touch base with her right now, actually.

He picks up his phone and taps a button on the side to communicate to Phyllis.

MICHAEL (into phone)
Hey Phyllis! You sexy hot MILF! More like GILF. If you weren’t married, I would totally bone you!

He looks at the camera, shaking his head no, he wouldn’t. Phyllis’ voice comes through his speaker.

PHYLLIS
I’m in the middle of the aisle at Party City, Michael. Everyone can hear you.

MICHAEL
Did you find everything I asked you for?

PHYLLIS
Well… no. I asked, and they don’t sell any costumes from The Sopranos.

MICHAEL
Dammit. Well, I have to have something, Phyllis. It’s Natalie’s first Dundie Awards. How can I make her feel welcome if I am unable to make fun of someone from her personal background? Ooh. I got it, alright new plan. Get me a black face mask, a cape, a sword, and a fake moustache. I’m going to play Antonio Banderas as Zorro.

PHYLLIS
But Zorro is Spanish.

MICHAEL
Same thing.

PHYLLIS
No. It’s not.

MICHAEL
Ok, well, that’s your opinion which I didn’t even ask for, so. You're jamming the airwaves, Phyllis. Get off the line please.

PHYLLIS
Well, I-

MICHAEL
Can't hear you Phyllis, you must be going through a tunnel! (To the camera.) God, what do you have to tell someone to make them get the hint that you're trying to hang up on them?

Andy walks in.

ANDY
Big Mike! What's up, dawg? I got that list of songs you requested.

MICHAEL
Ah, yes. Thank you. Did you get "Hollaback Girl"?

ANDY
Most defi-tune-ly.

MICHAEL
Great. I love the Blackeyed Peas.

ANDY
So I was thinking we should do a duet together.

MICHAEL
Blech. Why would we do that?

ANDY
Oh, I don't know, because it would be awesome times awesome. It would be awesome squared. I found the perfect song, too. Hall & Oates. You be Hall, I'll be Oates.

MICHAEL
Which one is the one with the moustache?

ANDY
I don't think anybody knows.

MICHAEL
Wikipedia it. Get back to me.

ANDY
You got it, maestro.

Andy runs out of Michael's office.

MICHAEL
I need to practice... these lyrics.

He begins singing a lyric to the tune of the chorus of "Hollaback Girl."

MICHAEL
All of my friends wan-na be me, they wanna be me, but they can't be me 'cus they don't have a dun-die. No none of them have a dun-die...

INT – Reception

Natalie is shuffling through index cards when the office door opens. And we hear a voice.

VOICE
Hey.

Natalie looks up and the camera swivels to show Pam walking up to the receptionist desk.

NATALIE
Hi, can I help you?

PAM
Oh, I’m Pam. I-

NATALIE
Oh my gosh, hi! (Natalie stands and gives her a hug.) Sorry, I just… I feel like I already know you.

PAM
You must be Natalie.

NATALIE
Yes. Sorry. I'm a... crazy person who hugs people I've never met. Hello.

PAM
Oh, no, its okay. (They shake hands.) Wow. You’re really pretty.

NATALIE
Oh. Thanks. I really like your hair. I can never get mine to curl up like that.

PAM
Oh. Yeah, I hate it sometimes. I always wished I had straight hair.

NATALIE
No, it’s really pretty. I love it.

PAM
Thanks. So… the Dundies. Has Michael made you sit through all of his previous shows to find the best moments?

NATALIE
Even better, we’ve actually put together a highlight reel of all the best moments from Dundies past.

PAM
Wow.

NATALIE
Yeah. Oh, um, I think Jim’s in the kitchen.

PAM
Oh, thanks. He doesn’t know I was coming here, I thought I would surprise him.

NATALIE
That’s so cool.

Creed walks in the front door.

CREED
Oh. Hello. You must be the ladies I ordered. I thought I asked for you to get here a little bit later, but we can make it work. Shall we head to the bathroom?

Natalie and Pam look at each other in shock, trying not to laugh. Jim emerges from the kitchen and walks into the office. He looks up, and his eyes go wide at the sight of Pam.

JIM
Pam?

Pam smiles.

PAM
Hey you.

JIM
Hey, what are you doing here?

Jim strides up to her and throws his arm around her in a big hug. Natalie watches and smiles.

NATALIE Talking Head:
That was probably the happiest I’ve seen Jim since I started working here about a month ago. They’re so cute together. I can tell he loves her so much… I’m really scared of Creed.

PAM
I guess you’ve already had lunch.

JIM
Actually, I still have about 45 minutes left. You wanna go grab a cup of coffee or something?

PAM
Sure.

JIM
Natalie? Wanna join us?

NATALIE
Hmm? Oh, no, you two go ahead. You need to catch up. Besides, I told Michael I’d go through all of his jokes for tonight and throw out the ones that might offend Stanley.

JIM
Ooh. Have fun.

NATALIE
I’ll try. It was nice to finally meet you, Pam.

PAM
You too. Bye.

Pam and Jim head out into the hallway, towards the elevators.

PAM
Natalie’s really nice. She’s really pretty.

JIM
Really? You're not going to dump me for her are you? 'Cus I kind of thought we still had a good thing going here. (He kisses Pam’s forehead and Pam smiles.) I can’t believe you’re here.

PAM
Well, I couldn't miss the Dundies. The most exciting event of the year.

JIM
Oh, well it's at Chili's so... I guess you won't be going because you were banned last time for falling out of your chair and causing Dwight to take off his shirt and flash everybody.

PAM
I guess Michael's stash of wigs and disguises will come in handy then.

JIM
Ooh. Go with the afro wig. You can't go wrong with the afro wig.

INT – Reception

Natalie sits back at her computer as Creed lingers at her desk.

CREED
Well. I guess it’s just me and you sweetheart. Shall we?

Natalie looks at Creed and then at the camera in horror.

EXT – Chili’s parking lot.

Everyone is getting out of their cars and heading inside the restaurant.

STANLEY
Well. Here we go.

OSCAR
I hate these things. Last year, Michael gave me the Most Colorful award. I still don’t know what that means.

KEVIN Talking Head:
Tonight is a big night for me. I put $200 on the Lakers to win by 6 points. After the Super Bowl, I learned that you should always bet for the underdog. I lost a lot of money that day. A LOT of money.

INT – Chili’s parking lot.

Natalie walks towards the door with Jim and Pam behind her and she sees Josh.

JOSH
What’s up?

NATALIE
Hey!

Josh wraps his arms around her and gives her a quick kiss. Natalie looks at the camera and nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Dating Josh has been great. We have a lot in common, so we got along really well since the beginning. The only thing I can't stand is when he comes over, he fills my DVR with all of these Discovery channel shows like Junkyard Wars and... Mythbusters and... what's the other one... oh. Deadliest Catch. I'll admit, Deadliest Catch is pretty entertaining. But only because I really like crab.

EXT - Chili's parking lot.

Josh greets Pam with a hug.

JOSH
Hey Pam!

PAM
Hey, how are you?

Josh and Pam pull away from each other. Dwight walks up to Josh and shines a flashlight in his face.

DWIGHT
Who are you? What business do you have here? (to Pam) Do you know this man? Did he touch you anywhere you didn’t ask him to? Sexually?

PAM
Dwight.

JOSH
Wow. Ok, first of all, ow. I think I'll be seeing spots for the rest of the night now. Thank you. And secondly… I’m guessing you must be Dwight.

Dwight turns the flashlight off.

DWIGHT
We have never met before. Who told you my name?

JOSH
Uh, I’m Jim’s brother. Josh Halpert, nice to meet you. (He holds out his hand to shake Dwight’s.)

DWIGHT
I do not shake someone’s hand when I do not know where it has been. You, just stay out of my way. Having one Jim in the office is already a significant threat for all of us. And I refuse to be taken down by the two of you.

Dwight walks inside.

JOSH
That was weird.

PAM
Oh, you have no idea.

INT – Back room of the Chili’s restaurant.

Michael is putting on a long-haired, blond wig that looks like it belongs on someone in a “glam metal” band, like This is Spinal Tap.

MICHAEL
Is it straight? Is it good? Man, I wonder if Ryan Seacrest is ever this nervous before he hosts American Idol. All of America watching… that’s like… almost 30 million people. (He lets out a long breath.)

INT – Chili’s restaurant.

Everyone is talking their seats. Josh, Natalie, Pam and Jim take a seat at a high top table near the front.

JOSH
So what exactly happens at these things?

PAM
Um, a lot of interesting characters.

JIM
Important, purely factual lessons that teach us about other cultures from around the world.

PAM
A lot of stereotypical jokes that aren't racist or discriminatory in the least.

JIM
Little known fact, Michael is actually fluent in Chinese.

PAM
And ebonics.

JIM
There will be absolutely no chance of sexual abuse.

PAM
Yeah. However, there is a very strong possibility of severe public humiliation. Possiblly self-humiliation. Or Verbal humiliation. Just overall humiliating humiliation. And more Michael than you can bear to stand.

JOSH
Sounds fun.

The camera turns to face Dwight who is behind his usual "DJ booth".

DWIGHT
Gentlemen and ladies, may I have your attention. A couple of rules Michael has asked that I go over with all of you due to several incidents that have occurred at previous Dundies awards.

Dwight begins to read from a piece of paper.

DWIGHT
First, you are not to diss the host of tonight’s ceremony. He has worked way too hard and for way too long to make sure you will receive the best entertainment possible, and you should all be respectful of his emotional feelings.

PAM
Emotional feelings?

DWIGHT
Second, do not applaud until you are instructed, by me, to do so. It can be very distracting, and most times, unwarranted. When I think it is necessary for you to clap, I will do this.

Dwight stands and claps his hands together as everyone just stares at him.

DWIGHT
Third-

OSCAR
Dwight, these rules are stupid.

DWIGHT
Rules are made for reasons, Oscar. Reasons to protect you and your fellow restaurant patrons. Listen and learn. Third! When Michael makes a joke, you are to laugh, even if you do not think it is funny. Some examples: "Ha-ha. Ha-ha." Also acceptable: "Yes! Very funny, Michael!" Or, "Ooh! Tell another, Michael."

INT – Back room at Chili’s.

Michael is preparing himself by taking deep breaths, still wearing the glam metal wig.

MICHAEL
God, I feel like my knees are sweating. (He takes another deep breath.) I stayed up all night watching some of the best hosts in the world to prepare for today. The three kings of late night. Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, and Carson Daly… very underrated.

We can hear the opening notes to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses from the restaurant.

MICHAEL
Oop. That’s my cue. Cross all of your fingers and toes. Here we go!

INT – Chili’s restaurant.

Michael comes bouncing out with his microphone and begins to sing along over the original lyrics of the song.

MICHAEL
Welcome to the Dundies!
We got fun and games.
We got all the food you want,
Matthew is our waiter’s name.
I’ve got plenty of funny jokes,
They’ll make you wanna pee.
Stay away from Dwight,
I think he may be diseased.
At the dundies.
Welcome to the dundies.
Watch it bring you to your knees, knees.
I wanna watch you pee!

The camera cuts over to Jim, Pam, Josh, and Natalie’s table. Jim and Pam share an amused look.

PAM Talking Head:
Oh yeah. The two hour drive was definitely worth it.

MICHAEL
Alright. Welcome to the 11th annual Dundie Awards. I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, don’t drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill your drink!

Michael laughs at himself as the camera shows Jim shaking his head.

Jim Talking Head:
Michael has started all eleven Dundies with the same joke every year. And, amazingly enough, it is just as not funny as the first time I heard it.

MICHAEL
For many of you, this is your first Dundies awards. To you, we offer a great Dunder Mifflin and Chili’s Restaurant establishment welcome… And hold on to your brains, because they’re about to get blown.

Now it’s Natalie and Josh’s turn to share an amused look.

MICHAEL
Alright! Let’s start handing out these awards. First up, is for Most Outstanding Demonstration of African-Americaness in the office, and it goes to Stanley Hudson, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Stanley.

Everyone claps as Stanley gets out of his booth and heads down towards Michael. Dwight immediately stands up.

DWIGHT
Dammit! We went over this. Don’t clap until you have been given permission to do so.

Everyone continues to clap as Stanley continues to make his way down to the front as Dwight plays “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy. Michael hands Stanley the microphone.

MICHAEL
Here you go. I know you have something to say. You always do.

STANLEY
Well. As the only African-American employee of the office, it is such a surprise to be receiving this award.

Stanley hands the microphone back to Michael and everyone claps as he makes his way back to his seat.

MICHAEL
Good job, Stanley. Power to your people. Look out everybody, Stanley may be our president some day. Now that we know that is possible.

The camera focuses in on Jim’s table as Michael continues in the background.

NATALIE
So Pam, how is New York?

PAM
It’s amazing, actually. Yeah. I didn’t think I would like it so much because it’s such a big city and it’s so busy and I come from such a small town… but it’s kind of growing on me. I don’t know… I started thinking maybe I could see myself living there permanently.

JIM
Really?

PAM
Oh… well, I don’t know. I mean, we don’t know if Jim will be getting that corporate job yet, so… I guess I shouldn’t jinx it. But the city is really nice. Especially in the summer. And the school is awesome.

Natalie and Josh just look at Jim quizzically. Jim quietly downs his beer. We can hear Michael in the background.

MICHAEL
…the most likely to go postal award-

JIM
I’m gonna go get another beer. Another round? Everybody?

PAM
Oh no, I’m good. Thanks.

Jim heads over to the bar as Natalie just smiles at Pam. Andy is up front, accepting his “Most Likely to Go Postal Award.”

ANDY
Wow. Thank you, Mike. This is an honor. Really. But, anger management really worked out for me so… Don’t think I’ll be going postal anytime soon. Unless one of you tries to steal my little Tinkerbell. And then I will destroy you. (Dwight suudenly looks nervous. Andy winks at Angela.) Love you, angel. (He begins singing Sinead O’Connor a’capella.) ‘Cause nothing compares. Nothing compares to youuuu-

Andy is interrupted by Dwight sounding his bear horn.

ANDY
What the hell, dude?

DWIGHT
Your acceptance speech ran over the allotted one-minute limit. If everyone had let me finish reading the list of all of the ceremony rules and regulations, instead of flinging celery in my direction, you would have been aware of that.

Someone throws celery and it hits Dwight in the chest.

DWIGHT
Alright, who threw that? Dammit! Now there’s blue cheese all over the keyboard.

INT – Bar at Chili’s.

Jim walks up beside Kevin who is watching the game.

JIM
How’s the game going, Kev?

KEVIN
It’s hard to tell. First Boston was ahead by two points, but then Kobe made an awesome dunk which tied it up. Then Garnett shot a three-pointer which put Boston in the lead again, but then Kobe- he made a three-pointer, too, which tied the game again. It’s very close.

JIM
Well, you still have another three quarters to go. The score’s only 21 to 21.

Kevin shakes his head.

KEVIN
It's too unbearable to watch.

Kevin gets up and walks back over to his seat as Josh walks up and takes his place.

JOSH
Hey.

JIM
Hey.

JOSH
So. I see you haven’t told Pam about the job yet.

JIM
I just… I don’t want to disappoint her you know? I just feel like I should wait… See what happens when she finishes school, you know?

JOSH
Jim. Look where you are right now. Ok, one of your co-workers brought in her own alcohol beverage in a 7-eleven Big Gulp. One has a pretty severe gambling problem. The blonde girl told me I was going to hell just for ordering a Sam Adams. Dwight is… beyond comprehension. And I’m not sure, but I think your boss might be racist towards all Asians.

The camera turns to show Michael doing his Ping impersonation.

JIM
He doesn’t know any better.

JOSH
Come on, Jim. You can do so much better than this. You and I both know you don’t belong here. And you need to to be honest with Pam.

Josh leaves and walks back to his table, leaving Jim at the bar.

INT – Chili’s

MICHAEL
Next up, we have the award for our Best New HR Representative. Holly is the first non-evil HR Rep this company has ever had. Ever since she entered our lives, I've thought of HR as having a new meaning. Hope Restored. Just like how my hope was restored when I found out that Holly was literally an angel. She holds a special place in the bottom of my heart, as she should in every single one of your hearts. Miss Holly Flax, ladies and gentlemen!

Everyone claps as Holly walks to the front.

DWIGHT
You may clap, everybody!

Holly approaches the front and Michael hands her the award. He attempts to kiss her on the cheek, but Holly moves quickly causing him to awkwardly miss.

HOLLY
Wow. Thank you.

MICHAEL
You’re welcome. Would you like to give a speech?

HOLLY
Oh. No. Thank you. I’ve always been horrible at public speaking.

MICHAEL
Oh. Well. On Holly’s behalf, thank you, and may Toby slowly melt to death in hell. Holly Flax ladies and gentlemen!

Everyone claps again. The camera zooms in on a plate of sizzling fajitas as the waiter carries it over to Oscar's table. Kevin is staring at it in awe.

KEVIN
Wow. (He motions to Holly who has taken her seat across from him in their booth.) Look at it. It's still sizzling on the table. That is amazing.

The waiter turns to walk away, but Kevin stops him.

KEVIN
Excuse me. When you bring out my plate, can you make sure it sizzles all the way to the table, just like that?

WAITER
Oh, um, our chicken fried steak doesn't come like that.

KEVIN
Oh... Damn. (To Holly.) I should have ordered a sizzler plate.

INT – Back room of Chili’s.

Michael is changing into his Zorro costume as Jim walks into the back room.

JIM
Hey Michael. How are you holding up?

MICHAEL
Good, good. By the way, sorry about all of that weird tension earlier.

JIM
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
The sexual tension between me and Holly. I could tell it made everyone pretty uncomfortable.

JIM
Oh. Didn’t notice.

MICHAEL
I like Holly, Jim. I like her a lot. But all I’ve ever wanted out of life besides a hot wife and hotter sex is to have a son. Of course, in my dreams, he was always made out of my sperm, but... It'll be nice, you know, to have… someone to finally play Chutes and Ladders with. Because it kind of gets boring playing by yourself after awhile. And I finally have a reason to hang out at Chuck E. Cheese. Without being escorted out for hanging out in the ball pit. We could play fetch… I could teach him how to get girls… dress him up as a sheet of Dunder Mifflin paper for Halloween. And Jan is going to give me that chance… You think I’m making the right choice here, right? I mean, it’s not just me.

JIM
No, yeah... I mean, Holly is pretty cool. But… what you’re doing to help Jan… That’s a big step. It’s very brave of you. You just have to follow your heart… But… whatever happens… I know you’ll be an amazing father, Michael.

MICHAEL
I hope so. I’ve been planning for fatherhood pretty much since I was born… so.

Pause.

JIM
Alright.

MICHAEL
Yup. Good talk, Jim.

JIM Talking Head:
Yeah. I think Michael will be a really great dad. I mean, he's always been a five-year-old at heart. So. I just hope Jan doesn't agree to name their child Michael's current recommendation... Barack Osama bin Laden Scott.

INT - Jim's table.

Natalie and Pam are sitting alone.

PAM
So... Things seem to be going well between you and Josh.

NATALIE
Oh, yeah. It's kind of crazy how much he reminds me of his brother. They're so much alike.

Pam just nods.

PAM
Yeah, they are.

There's an awkward pause for a moment.

NATALIE
I really like Josh. He's probably the nicest guy I've ever dated. Usually, I always go for the bad boys, you know?

Pam just nods.

NATALIE
Jim is like an entirely different person now that you're around. Not in a bad way, just... I can see that you really light him up. I swear, when you surprised him at work, that was... the happiest I've ever seen him since I started working here. I mean, I know he hates it here.

PAM
He doesn't hate it. I think he's just ready to move on. And I know he'll get the job in New York. David Wallace loves him.

NATALIE
Yeah. (She slowly nods and sighs.) That would be great.

INT – Chili’s. Angela walks over to Dwight’s DJ booth.

ANGELA
Don’t forget about our plan.

DWIGHT
Oh. I haven’t. Look. (He holds up his drink.) This is an El Nino margarita. Or, in translation, the little boy margarita. Who it misewell be made for. I certainly don't feel a thing.

ANGELA
Dwight, I told you to pretend to get drunk.

DWIGHT
Don’t worry, there's hardly anything in here. It's just watered down orange juice. Besides, the Schrute family was built to withstand large amounts of alcohol. One time, the high school soccer team dared me to drink an entire keg. By myself. And I did it, and I didn't get even get sick. Well, until they stole my pants and I had to chase them around the yard and I threw up on the neighbor's dog. But I'll be fine.

He immediately chugs his drink and snaps at the waiter.

DWIGHT
Hey, waiter guy! Another one of these Nino things! And don’t forget to put the salt on the rim this time!

Angela rolls her eyes and heads back to her table.

We cut to several moments later. Michael is in his full Zorro costume and waving a sword in the air.

MICHAEL (in a horrible Italian accent)
And this... This is my sword. To use this thing is very simple. The pointy end goes into the other man.

JIM (to Natalie)
So are you learning about your culture?

NATALIE
What?

JIM
Well, I'm pretty sure Michael is only dressed as Zorro because he assumed he was Italian.

Natalie shakes her head and laughs.

NATALIE
Oh boy.

INT – Bar.

Pam is sitting at the bar as Kelly walks up to order a drink.

PAM
Hey, Kelly.

KELLY
Hey, Pam. I love your hair. It’s totally awesome. Your whole outfit is made of awesome, actually. Except your shoes. Ballet flats are totally last season.

PAM
Wow. Thanks, Kelly. Hey, how are things going with you and Darryl?

KELLY
Ok, I guess. He was supposed to be here tonight, but its his daughter’s birthday, and apparently he’s in charge of putting together her birthday party and he couldn’t get out of it, which is, like, a totally lame excuse, but whatever. I was totally mad before, and I was all, “Why would you choose your daughter over me? Does she look hotter in a mini skirt than I do?” And he’s like, “Shut up, Kelly. That’s totally uncalled for,” and I’m like, “Don’t tell me to shut-up, you shut-up. Your face is uncalled for,” and he’s all, “Whatever,” And I’m like, “Whatever.” And right now, I’m just totally over it.

PAM
Cool.

INT – Chili’s

Michael is now singing over “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. All of the Dunder Mifflin employees look bored. Natalie has her head on Josh’s shoulder with her eyes closed.

MICHAEL
…and I want a dundie.
Tell me why
My boss is so amazing.
Tell me way
All my friends wish their boss was funny
Just like mine
I love it when I hear you say
You won a dundie.

The camera turns to focus on the employees.

KEVIN
This party really blows.

Michael overhears Kevin’s comment.

MICHAEL
Ok, you know what Kevin? What is that? Isn’t that like your thirteenth cheese skillet? I would think you’re having a pretty good time eating everything in the kitchen, wouldn’t you?

KEVIN
Not really.

Kevin and Michael continue to argue as Jim excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

PAM
Don't find out your apartment is flooded and try to abandon me again.

JIM
Can't make any promises.

Pam just smiles as Jim escapes to the bathroom. Michael and Kevin continue to argue.

MICHAEL
…alright, Kevin? Maybe I should take your award back and exchange it for the Whiny Little Bitch award. How about that?

PAM
Maybe we should just move on.

MICHAEL
Yeah, good idea Pam. Thank you. This next award… goes to someone who really means a lot to me. This person has always been there for me through thick and thicker. Through all the hard times and the very bad. And when he was offered a position at the corporate office in New York, he turned it down-

PAM
What?

MICHAEL
… because our friendship means more to him than anything in the world. So it is an honor and a privilege to present Mr. Jim Halpert, my best friend, with the Best Wingman award. Come on down here, Jim!

Only a couple of people applaud. Pam looks down in disappointment and Dwight looks at Michael, honestly hurt to have been overlooked. Michael looks over at Josh.

MICHAEL
Jim?

JOSH
Um… I’m Josh. I think Jim’s in the bathroom.

Andy immediately runs up to the stage and grabs the trophy from Michael as Jim walks up from behind Michael.

ANDY
Alright! Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen bathroom emergency, Jim could not be here to accept this award. So as wingman numero two, I am greatly estatic to accept this award on his behalf.

MICHAEL
Andy, give me that. Just- give it.

ANDY
But I was up here first-

MICHAEL
Ok. Calm down. No need to get all postal about it.

Andy sulks and returns to his seat as Jim walks up to Michael.

MICHAEL
Here you are Jim.

JIM
What’s this?

MICHAEL
For you. Best Wingman award. You’re just in time for your speech. Make me proud.

He hands Jim the microphone.

JIM
Wow. Thank you, Michael. This is pretty awesome. Um…

He looks at Pam who is staring daggers at him before turning back to Michael.

JIM
Well, if anyone should be getting this award, it should be you, Michael. You’ve actually helped me out a lot over the past couple of years. Which I know is hard for some of you to believe, but um… Well, I remember a couple of years ago, I told you how I really felt about Pam… You were the only one that I confided that to… and… Well Michael, you told me to never ever give up. That’s probably the best advice anyone has ever given me, to be honest… Made me the happiest man in the world. So… thank you, Michael. For... being you.

He hands the microphone to Michael, who has tears in his eyes.

MICHAEL
Wow. I did not expect that. Thank you.

JIM
Thank you.

He smiles and heads back to his table. Before he can sit down, Pam gets up abruptly and heads out of the restaurant. Everyone watches her leave.

JIM
What’s wrong with Pam?

NATALIE
Um… I think you should probably go talk to her.

Jim runs out after her as Michael yells after him.

MICHAEL
Jim, is everything ok? This sounds like a job for your best wingman! No? Ok, he’s got it.

Andy walks over to Jim’s table and snatches his award.

DWIGHT
Hey! Put that back!

ANDY
Well, technically, I was the first one on stage to claim it so, in theory, I believe this little guy belongs to me.

Dwight walks over to Andy.

DWIGHT
I don't think so.

ANDY
Really?

DWIGHT
Yeah. Does it have your name on it? Does it say "Best Andy Award?"

ANDY
No, but it should because Michael only has one Best Andy, and that Andy is me.

DWIGHT
Put it back, now, or you will be punished.

ANDY
Really, what are you going to do?

Dwight and Andy stare at each other for a moment.

DWIGHT
Michael! Andy is trying to steal Jim's award!

ANDY
What? No I wasn't! Geez, I was simply polishing it for him. There was... wasabi dressing all over it.

Andy puts the award back down and moves back to his seat.

EXT – Chili’s parking lot.

Pam is pacing back and forth in the parking lot as Jim walks out of the restaurant and approaches her.

JIM
Pam?

Pam ignores him, continuing to pace before coming to a stop and turning to look at him.

PAM
Why didn’t you tell me you turned down the job?

JIM
Who told you that?

PAM
Should it matter? Apparently everyone else in the office knew before I did.

JIM
Pam, I-

PAM
Look, Jim, its fine that you didn’t take the job, I’m not mad. I just don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me.

Jim shakes his head and looks at the ground nervously.

JIM
I’m sorry. I know I should have told you. I just…

PAM
What are you going to do now?

JIM (shrugs)
I don’t know.

Pam just nods sadly.

PAM
Ok. Well… That's ok. We can figure it out.

JIM
Yeah.

PAM
You know the other night… at Toby’s goodbye party… I actually thought that you were finally going to propose.

Jim breathes in deeply and hesitates before continuing.

JIM
I was... going to. But then Andy got up on that stage and… everything that I had planned just kind of went downhill from there.

PAM
Jim… You still haven’t proposed… Sometimes, I feel like maybe you’re never going to ask. It's just... Sometimes I look at you and… I feel like you’re confused. I mean... You didn’t take the corporate job, you haven’t even started looking for anything outside of Dunder Mifflin… and… you know, four months ago you said you were going to propose, and… you haven’t.

JIM
Pam-

PAM
And now, you’re blaming Andy when you only had… like a million other chances. I don’t know what makes you think that I need fireworks or ferris wheels or… a fancy dinner. I don’t care about any of that.

Jim stares at the ground as Pam continues.

PAM
I’m sorry, I must sound… so selfish right now… This isn't about me... Because I know that you have a lot that you need to figure out about yourself right now. And that's fine... But Jim, you know you can come to me. You can tell me these things. No matter what you decide, I'll always support you. You know that.

Jim doesn't respond and Pam sighs.

PAM
I'm going to head back inside.

Pam heads back inside the restaurant, leaving Jim alone in the darkened parking lot.

INT - Chili’s restaurant.

Michael and Andy are singing a karaoke duet to REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Lovin’ You”.

MICHAEL
You should’ve seen by the look in my eyes, baby.
There was somethin’ missin’

ANDY
You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe.
But you didn’t listen.

The camera focuses on Natalie and Josh as Michael and Andy continue to sing in the background.

JOSH
Are they singing to each other?

NATALIE (laughs)
I wouldn’t be surprised.

Pam walks in and sits down beside Natalie.

NATALIE
Is everything ok?

PAM
Yeah.

Jim walks into the restaurant and hesitates by the bar for a moment. He finally walks over to his table and comes to a stop in front of Pam. He slowly bends down and gets on one knee. Everyone gasps and Michael and Andy immediately stop singing as the instrumental version of the song continues to play.

MICHAEL
Whoa. Jim, are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?

ANDY
Alright! Tuna!

Pam just stares at Jim like he’s crazy.

PAM
Jim. What are you doing? This isn’t funny, ok? Now is really not the time for another one of your fake proposals, I-

She immediately stops talking as Jim pulls a small box out from his pants pocket and slowly flips it open, revealing the ring. All of their co-workers gasp a second time.

KELLY (whispers)
Oh my God, It's amazing!

MICHAEL
God, cut the music Dwight.

Dwight turns the music off and the restaurant falls silent as Jim looks up at Pam.

JIM
I, uh... I don’t… really know what to say. I guess I should have thought about that before I got down on one knee like this… I know I've never been... too good at telling you how I feel. But I'm going to try. (He clears his throat before continuing. He smiles softly.) Well, here we are. It's just how I imagined it. We got the… fancy restaurant with a nice, five-star dinner and... romantic music... (Pam laughs.) All without any of our co-workers around or… having any cameras around to bother us. (He looks pointedly at the camera in his face as Pam smiles.)

PAM
That was never our style.

JIM
I know… Pam, I don’t know what I want to be. I don’t know if I’m destined to sell paper for the rest of my life or if there’s something else out there for me… but none of that really matters because I know we’ll work through it together. Pam, I love you. I never thought in a million years that I would be… proposing to you in a Chili’s restaurant. Which, hypothetically because of one too many Blue Pacific margaritas that you hijacked off other people's tables, is actually where we had our very first kiss. Which you probably don't even remember, but-

PAM
No, I do.

JIM
Really? (Pam nods.) Well. I guess... Maybe it’s sort of fitting after all.

MICHAEL
Alright Jim, you’re blabbering. Just ask her already.

JIM
Thank you, Michael…

MICHAEL
You're welcome, Jim.

JIM
Pam… I love you. I may not be sure of a lot of things right now, but I know that I want nothing more than to make you happy for the rest of my life. So... with that said... Pamela. Morgan Beesly. Will you marry me?

The camera focuses on Pam who has tears in her eyes as she nods her response.

PAM
Yes.

She rises from her chair and Jim stands to give her a hug as everyone in the restaurant applauds. Jim kisses her before sliding the ring on her finger as tears flow down her face.

PAM
It’s about time you asked!!

Jim laughs as she buries her face in his chest and he hugs her again.

Michael walks over to them with the microphone.

MICHAEL
Alright, I think we've heard enough from Jim. How about you Pam? Speech?

PAM
Oh… um… Well, I really don’t have anything to say except… WHOOOOOOO!!!

Everyone laughs and claps.

PAM
And now THIS is the best dundies ever! Thank you!

She hands the microphone back to Michael and hugs Jim again, tilting her head up to look into his eyes.

PAM
I love you.

JIM
I love you.

They share a long kiss and Dwight hits the “Oh yeah” key on his keyboard.

MICHAEL
Shut it, Dwight. Way to ruin the moment, man.

ANDY
Congratulations, Big Tuna. This one’s for you.

Andy pulls out his banjo and starts playing the opening riff to Heart’s “Crazy On You”. Jim and Pam are just standing by their table hugging and holding each other as they gaze into each other’s eyes.

ANDY
If we still have time
We might still get by
Everytime I think about it
I want to cry
With bombs and the devil
Little kids keep coming
No way to breathe easy
No time to be young

Dwight comes down from behind his DJ booth and sings along with Andy, rocking out.

ANDY & DWIGHT
But I tell myself
That I was doing alright
There’s nothing left to do tonight
But go crazy on you
Crazy on you…

Angela rolls her eyes from her seat. Jim and Pam are still hugging each other as Holly walks over to Michael.

HOLLY
Wow. Two proposals in one month.

MICHAEL
Yup. Very exciting. Look how happy they are.

The camera shows Jim and Pam laughing as Michael just smiles in awe at them.

MICHAEL
Maybe one day I'll find someone to be that happy with.

HOLLY
Well, like Jim said. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Michael.

MICHAEL
Yeah.

Holly leans over and kisses Michael on the cheek.

HOLLY
You're a really good friend, Michael. And... really good show, by the way.

Holly just smiles and walks away, heading towards the bar as Michael just stands in place, dumbstruck.

MICHAEL
Wow.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
It was a good night. Full of surprises. My best friend got engaged. So... I know we say it every year, but this year was definitely the best Dundies ever. At least, until next year.

EXT – Chili’s parking lot.

Angela is standing by her car as Dwight walks out of the restaurant. He slowly approaches her.

DWIGHT
Hello, Angela. It would appear that I have consumed too many beverages of high alcohol content. Do you think it would be possible for you to give me a ride home?

ANGELA
Nobody’s watching us.

DWIGHT
I know.

They stare at each other for a moment before they leap into each other’s arms and start full-on making out against her car.

INT – Inside Chili’s restaurant.

Josh and Natalie are gathering their things from the table and heading out of the restaurant.

JOSH
Dude, my brother is engaged! What the hell?

NATALIE
Why is that hard to believe?

JOSH
It's not, I guess. It's just... My big brother's growing up.

NATALIE
Aww... Are you going to cry? Just like you did at the end of Grey's Anatomy?

JOSH
Hey, Meredith and Derek had finally found their way back to each other! She made a house out of friggin' candles. That's romantic as hell.

Natalie just laughs. They begin walking toward the exit, and they see Kevin sitting at the bar, looking miserable.

JOSH
Hey. You alright, man?

KEVIN
Boston won.

JOSH
You bet on the Lakers?

KEVIN
$200.

JOSH
But the Celtics had home court advantage. They hardly lost a home game all season.

Kevin glares at Josh.

KEVIN
Well, maybe you could have told me that information BEFORE I threw away my entire life savings!

Kevin storms out of the restaurant as Josh and Natalie share an amused look.

INT – Chili’s.

Holly and Michael are walking out of the backroom with Dwight, carrying his many boxes of costumes.

HOLLY
It’s too bad Jan couldn’t make it out tonight.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well. It’s Thursday night. She said it was important that she stay home because a new episode of The Apprentice was on. Its her favorite show.

HOLLY
Oh… Michael, I don’t think The Apprentice has been on for a couple of months now.

Michael stops dead in his tracks.

MICHAEL
You mean, she lied to me to get out of going to the Dundies? The most important awards show in the history of my entire life?

HOLLY
I'm sorry, Michael.

Michael sighs angrily.

EXT – Chili’s parking lot.

Everyone is walking out of the restaurant. Pam and Jim are holding hands, walking close together. Pam looks up and gasps.

PAM
Oh my God.

Jim looks up and his jaw drops.

JIM
Oh my God.

Everyone starts to look up.

KELLY
Oh my God!

OSCAR
Oh my God!

PHYLLIS
Oh dear.

MICHAEL
Oh. Yuck.

ANDY
What the hell?!

The camera zooms around to show Dwight and Angela making out against the driver’s side door of her car. Angela immediately pulls away and smacks Dwight. He just stares at everyone as Andy stares at him, furious.

DWIGHT
Hello... Everyone. It would appear that I am drunk. Very… very drunk. You probably can not understand me, because I am slurring my words very badly.

He slowly walks up to Pam and leans in as if he’s going to kiss her.

PAM
Ew, Dwight! No! Get off me.

DWIGHT
Sorry. When I start drinking, I become an uncontrollable, sexual human being. Most women find me incredibly irresistible in this state. Especially engaged women.

He tries to kiss Pam again. Jim pulls him away.

JIM
Ok, Dwight.

Andy looks at Angela expectantly. Angela just gazes bashfully towards the ground.