THE COLD OPEN
INT. The Office, Conference Room
JIM and MICHAEL are sitting at the end of the Conference Room table closest to the door, with a phone in between them. They both look extremely bored, and JIM is especially relaxed in his posture. After a moment MICHAEL looks over at JIM, who isn’t paying attention, and very surreptitiously attempts to mimic his relaxedness while yawning casually.
JIM
You’re sure it was nine o’clock?
MICHAEL
Yeah, it was in the e-mail he sent me yesterday.
JIM nods to himself, and then looks down at his watch and sighs. There is another silence between them, during which MICHAEL makes various noises by blowing air out his mouth and looking around the room. Meanwhile, JIM just rubs his face tiredly.
The silence is broken when the phone mercifully rings. MICHAEL quickly hits the button for speakerphone, and both men improve their posture.
DAVID WALLACE
(on speakerphone throughout)
Michael and Jim?
MICHAEL
(in a strange voice)
Present and accounted for, sir.
DAVID WALLACE
(after a brief pause)
Is Jim there?
JIM
Yeah, no, I’m here David.
(casts a glace at MICHAEL)
DAVID WALLACE
Okay, good.
MICHAEL
(interrupting eagerly)
Hey, how’s the city? I was there a couple months ago at a bar
(smiles for a moment, but then stops in thought)
[beat] but I don’t remember what it was called.
(in visibly deep thought)
Rain? or [beat] Storm Cloud?….
JIM
(trying to get him to focus)
Michael.
MICHAEL
(to himself)
….Thunderbolt?
JIM
(trying to carry on)
David, what can we do for you?
DAVID WALLACE
Thank you Jim.
(changes to business tone)
I wanted to touch base with you [beat] both, as upper management of the Scranton Branch, and let you know that the position of Corporate Manager has been filled.
MICHAEL
(skeptically)
Well, I’m not sure that position could ever really be filled, David.
DAVID WALLACE
Well [beat] we have Michael. That’s why I’m calling you.
MICHAEL
It—
JIM
(interrupting)
I think what Michael means is [beat] um, who have you decided on?
At JIM’s words, MICHAEL shakes his head disapprovingly, but stays silent in anticipation of the answer to the question.
DAVID WALLACE
First of all, I want you both to understand that this was not an easy decision, and was given careful consideration. With Ryan’s trial about to start, we feel this is the time for Dunder-Mifflin to put its best foot forward, and demonstrate the talent within our own company.
MICHAEL
(nodding in agreement)
Right, yup, totally agree.
DAVID WALLACE
(slightly annoyed, but continues undaunted)
Which is why we’ve promoted Karen Filippelli from Utica to the position.
JIM and MICHAEL sit in silence for a moment following DAVID WALLACE’s announcement. JIM seems particularly surprised, and looks at the camera for a moment, before looking down at his hands on the table. Simultaneously, MICHAEL looks at JIM, then at the phone, then back to JIM, and then back to the phone again.
DAVID WALLACE (cont.)
(noticing the silence)
Is that going to be a problem?
MICHAEL
Uh, just, [beat] wow, Filipellers. I mean, I don’t [beat] is this to get back at Jim for something? Or—
JIM
Mich—
DAVID WALLACE
(unintentionally interrupting)
Michael, Karen was a very qualified candidate for the position.
MICHAEL
So [beat] qualified?
(thinking to himself)
Wait. Is this like affirmative action?
At MICHAEL’s suggestion, both JIM and DAVID WALLACE begin to simultaneously protest.
MICHAEL (cont.)
(interrupting both defensively)
I’m just saying! It’s cool, I love Stanley and Angela.
DAVID WALLACE
(attempt to be patient and professional is evident in his voice)
Michael, Karen was hired because we thought she would be the best person for the job.
MICHAEL
(shrugs his shoulders)
Alright, but its going to be weird, I mean her and Jim…
JIM looks as though he is going to respond to MICHAEL’s words, but before he can say anything, DAVID WALLACE continues.
DAVID WALLACE
We’re aware of [beat] that, but I know that Jim is a professional, and will continue to be. In fact, I was a little surprised he didn’t apply for the job himself.
JIM
(looks at camera quickly before replying)
Oh, yeah, I, uh…
(looks down at his hand on the table)
….I’m just [beat] not sure where Pam and I will want to live in five years.
DAVID WALLACE
Ah, I see.
MICHAEL
Well, I’m sure he would have applied for it if he knew Karen was going to get it.
MICHAEL smiles at JIM, who doesn’t return the gesture, and they both sit in silence for a moment as nobody says anything.
DAVID WALLACE
(trying to carry on)
I’m also calling to let you know that Karen will be coming to Scranton next Monday to re-acquaint herself with the branch and its employees. At that time, I’d like you both to have ideas ready for her on ways to improve the branch and Dunder-Mifflin as a whole, okay?
MICHAEL
(leaning closer to the phone as he talks)
I have a file full of ideas David [beat] does Karen know about my star-morale-booster-success?
DAVID WALLACE
I don’t think so, Michael.
(re-iterating evenly to make sure he was heard)
But [beat] you can when she comes on Monday.
JIM
(before MICHAEL can continue)
We’ll make sure we’re ready, David.
DAVID WALLACE
Good. I need to get on a conference call to the other branches and let them know as well. Have a good day.
MICHAEL
Bye David.
JIM
Bye.
There is a click heard as DAVID WALLACE hangs up the telephone. After which there is another pause between MICHAEL and JIM.
MICHAEL
(confused)
I wonder why we weren’t part of the conference call?
JIM
Yeah [beat] that is a mystery.
MICHAEL
(after thinking a moment and then said earnestly)
Probably because everyone knows you guys dated.
At MICHAEL’s words, JIM sighs and rubs his face again, this time in frustration and not tiredness. As he does, the camera zooms in on him slightly.
JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I really don’t think it’s that big a deal, honestly. I mean, that’s great [beat] for Karen, I know how much she wanted that job and everything.
(nods to himself)
Plus what happened was over a year ago, so [beat] it’s not a big deal.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [MICHAEL’s Office]
(reflectively asking the camera)
Will Karen destroy this branch [beat] because of Jim dumping her for Pam?
(shrugs his shoulders)
DWIGHT
(matter-of-factly)
Depends on the tides.
At hearing DWIGHT’s suggestion the camera zooms out slightly from MICHAEL’s Talking Head, to show that DWIGHT is standing to the left of the desk leaning against the wall.
MICHAEL
Dwight, that is gross….
(shows disapproval to camera for a moment, then turns towards DWIGHT)
….but make sure we have chocolate and ice cream here when she comes.
DWIGHT
On it.
Suddenly on a mission, DWIGHT quickly leaves frame, as he heads towards the door. The camera then re-focuses on MICHAEL, who is watching DWIGHT leave. After a moment, he appears to have a revelation, and picks up his phone.
MICHAEL
(punching numbers on the phone, and then addresses camera)
Someone should let Pam know.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. Nondescript Hallway
MICHAEL is sitting on a bench in a nondescript hallway, looking nervous. He glances around anxiously, fiddles with his suit, and brushes imaginary pieces of lint off of it. After a couple of moments he looks at the camera and addresses it.
MICHAEL
(anxiety evident in his voice)
It’s a big day.
(exhales loudly)
Big Monday.
(looks around nervously for a moment before he continues)
Karen is coming to the branch today for the review thing….
(pauses momentarily to look around again and then continues somewhat absent-mindedly)
….but it’ll be fine [beat] she’ll probably just yell at Jim or break his windshield or something.
Suddenly, something catches his eye, and MICHAEL stands up from the bench and smiles at the camera as he begins to walk down the hallway. The camera swings around to reveal that the hallway is in a courthouse, specifically in New York City. MICHAEL is there for the beginning of RYAN’s trial.
MICHAEL (cont.)
(turns back to the camera while continuing to walk)
I’m sure he’ll be fine.
CUT TO:
INT. The Office, Main Office JIM is standing in front of the closed door to MICHAEL’s Office, holding a note in his hand that is still taped to the door itself. His shoulders are slumped and he sighs loudly as he pulls the note off the door and crumples it up. He turns around to face his desk, and throws the piece of paper in the trashcan. As he does so, he catches DWIGHT’s eye, who is sitting at his desk looking smug.
DWIGHT
You’d better be ready.
JIM
(sits down at his desk)
For what, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Karen. Women never forget when you’ve crossed them.
At DWIGHT’s words, JIM looks at the camera and then turns in his chair a little to look at MICHAEL’s door, before he turns back to look at DWIGHT.
JIM
(calmly)
You knew about this, didn’t you?
As soon as JIM finishes, DWIGHT reaches down below his desk, which is out of view of the camera, and pulls out a large stack of papers, folders, and memo books. As he does so, JIM alternates between looking at the camera, and DWIGHT.
DWIGHT
(after finishing putting everything on his desk)
Of course I did Jim. I’m always prepared. All I have left are personnel evaluations.
JIM
Personnel evaluations?
DWIGHT
Karen is going to want to know who to fire. I would have done these sooner [beat] but Michael only called me half an hour before work.
JIM
Right. [beat] I think she’s only going to want to meet with Michael and I, or, well, me now, I guess.
DWIGHT
(shaking his head)
No, Jim. I am Michael’s representative, he appointed me himself.
(stands up)
She’ll be here at two. Be ready.
(grabs a healthy portion of the stack of things on his desk, and then looks at JIM seriously)
I already have the ice cream.
Without another word or gesture, DWIGHT grabs the top folder off his stack, turns, and walks out of frame. The camera lingers on JIM confusedly watching him.
CUT TO:
INT. The Office, Accounting ANGELA, KEVIN, and OSCAR are sitting at their desks quietly working. After a moment however, KEVIN stops and looks through the partition at ANGELA.
ANGELA
(without looking up)
What Kevin?
KEVIN
(suggestively)
What do you think Karen is going to do when she gets here?
ANGELA
(still not looking up)
Her job.
KEVIN
Mmmmmmm, what if she wants Jim back?
ANGELA
(now looks up at KEVIN, with great annoyance)
Why would she want that?
KEVIN
(thinking)
Uhhhh….
OSCAR
(interrupting)
I don’t know, Jim’s a nice guy?
ANGELA and KEVIN both stare at OSCAR, obviously reading more into his remark than he intended. KEVIN giggles to himself, while ANGELA sighs disapprovingly.
ANGELA
I’m sure that Karen will be [beat] professional. The office is no place for romance.
There is a momentary pause as OSCAR and KEVIN now look at each other is confusion.
OSCAR
(hesitantly)
Aren’t you marrying Andy?
ANGELA
(shuffling some papers, and said matter-of-factly)
That is a marriage, not a romance. And I don’t want to talk about it.
ANGELA’s curtness ends the discussion between the Accountants, but not before the camera catches another exchanged look between OSCAR and KEVIN.
CUT TO:
INT. The Office, Salespeople’s Desks The camera focuses on the cluster of ANDY, PHYLLIS, and STANLEY’s desks. Much like the Accountants before, they are all silently working, with the exception of ANDY, who seems more concerned with looking at his tie.
ANDY
Phyllis, you’re a woman, what do you think of this tie?
(holds tie out to PHYLLIS)
PHYLLIS
Um, it’s nice Andy.
(attempts a reassuring smile)
ANDY
(looks down at tie undecidedly)
Hmm, I don’t know. I spilled Wasabi on it last night.
(dabs at the invisible stain on his tie with the end of his tie)
PHYLLIS
(confused)
Why did you wear the tie you wore last night again today?
ANDY
(smiles)
I’m trying to make a good impression with Karen. She told me one time that she liked it. (turns to STANLEY)
Stanley, what do you think?
The camera shifts slightly so that both ANDY and STANLEY are in the frame looking at one another. ANDY is holding a smile and his tie out for inspection, while STANLEY is looking at him without an emotion at all. This goes on for a second or two.
STANLEY
I think you should stay away from Karen so she doesn’t close the branch down.
After he responds to ANDY, STANLEY goes back to his work. ANDY continues to stare at him a little bit longer but then turns back to his computer, and looks down at his tie despondently. The camera then zooms in on him slightly.
ANDY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I’m doing this for Tuna. I know what Karen is like after a break up.
(give a pointed look at the camera)
When we went out [beat] to dinner once, she didn’t talk to me for a week after.
(thinks to himself for a moment)
I figured she’d like the Olive Garden, I mean [beat] Filippelli right? And I guess [beat] well no it was mutual…
(nods to himself)
So yeah [beat] I’m doing this for Tuna.
CUT TO:
INT. The Office, The Annex, HOLLY’s Desk HOLLY is sitting at her desk quietly doing paperwork. The camera lingers on her for a moment to establish the scene, and then the door to the Annex is heard to open. The camera pans over to see that JIM is walking through the doorway.
HOLLY
(turning around)
Hey Jim.
JIM
(smiles)
Hey Holly.
HOLLY
Is there something I can help you with?
JIM
Um, no, I was just wondering if I could maybe….
JIM stops in mid sentence. After a moment, he takes a couple of steps away from HOLLY’s desk, and around the divider, which separates it from KELLY’s. He begins talking as he walks back to his original spot.
JIM
Oh, Kelly isn’t here today?
HOLLY
No, she called in sick. She said she had, um, [beat] well, she coughed a lot.
(smiling)
JIM
(sighing while putting his hands in his pockets)
Yeah. I think I know where she is.
CUT TO:
INT. New York City Courthouse, Hallway The camera is focused, from across the hall, on the Women’s Bathroom door. After a moment, KELLY comes out of it. Surprisingly, she is not wearing a tracksuit or anything pink, but rather a professional looking woman’s business suit. It is obvious that her hair and makeup have also been done with great care. However, as she walks back into the hallway she doesn’t see the camera for the first couple of seconds, during which she adjusts her suit, indicating that she is obviously uncomfortable and unfamiliar with it.
As soon as she does spot the camera, she immediately stops her adjustments with her suit.
KELLY TALKING HEAD [Hallway of Courthouse]
(with no shame)
Oh, yeah I totally called in sick. Whatever, I mean I could have taken a vacation day…
(looks at camera for a moment with a flicker of realization that she’s been found lying, but it soon passes)
….but I’m saving those for my trip with Darryl [beat] my boyfriend.
(smiles)
But, I thought I’d come for the first day of the trial so Ryan could see…
(looks down at her suit)
…that I’m so over him, and a professional business woman now and everything.
(nods to herself, and smiles to the camera)
CUT TO:
INT. The Office, The Annex, HOLLY’s Desk A short amount of time has elapsed from the last scene, and JIM is now sitting in a chair near HOLLY’s desk. They are talking to one another and smiling. Their fun is quickly quashed when the door to the Annex is heard to open again. They both turn to look, as the camera pans over to follow their gaze, and both see that DWIGHT is now standing in the doorway.
DWIGHT
(loudly)
Are you making a complaint against me?
HOLLY
N—
JIM
(interrupting)
That’s confidential, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(staring hard at both of them)
Redact it. Nobody has ever made a complaint against me.
JIM
(quickly and casually)
There’s no way that’s true.
DWIGHT
Holly?
Inexperienced in the antagonisms between JIM and DWIGHT, HOLLY looks back and forth between the two of them slightly overwhelmed. However, he gaze comes to rest on JIM, who nods slightly. She then turns to DWIGHT.
HOLLY
That’s confidential, Dwight.
DWIGHT
It—
(stops himself and then changes his tone to something softer)
---fine. Jim, I need you to leave, I’m doing Holly’s personnel evaluation now.
HOLLY
(confused)
What personnel evaluation?
JIM
(re-assuring)
It’s nothing, you don’t have to do it.
DWIGHT
Uh, yeah she does, Jim. Holly is new here, and she might need to be fired.
JIM
She’s not going to be fired, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Do you have a personnel evaluation to back that up for Karen?
JIM
No, but—
DWIGHT
(interrupting)
Well I will.
(holds up paper in his hand to show JIM)
Unless she deserves to be fired [beat] and then I won’t.
JIM
Dwight—
HOLLY
(interrupting)
No, it’s okay, Jim.
JIM looks back over at HOLLY, as if to tell her that it’s not necessary, but she just smiles assuredly back at him.
HOLLY (cont.)
Really, it’s fine.
HOLLY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I think that Dunder-Mifflin is kind of like a sorority and I’m the new girl….
(nods to herself reassured)
When I was in college I pledged one, and uh, I didn’t [beat] I mean, I didn’t get in. I accidentally lit the kitchen on fire [beat] but, this is different, because I need this job, and I didn’t need that sorority, or to be [beat] popular.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
What do we really know about Holly Flax?
(gives camera a questioning glance)
An outside hire. Almost forty and never been married or had kids. Just moved into town.
(leans back in his chair a little)
Is she a transient lesbian con artist?
(shrugs his shoulders)
We don’t know.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. The Office, The Annex, HOLLY’s Desk HOLLY is sitting at her desk as she was before with JIM, but now DWIGHT has taken his chair. DWIGHT has a large number of papers in his lap, along with folders, pens, and a clipboard. They sit in silence for two to three seconds.
DWIGHT
(seriously)
Holly, as you know, Karen Filippelli, the new Corporate Manager, is coming to the branch today.
HOLLY
Yes, I know Dwight.
DWIGHT
And it’s important for all of us to be prepared [beat] by identifying the weakest amongst us.
HOLLY
(confused)
I don’t understand.
DWIGHT
(makes a mark in his notebook before continuing)
In the wild when a predator attacks a herd, the weakest is sacrificed for the good of the group. That’s why I’m doing personnel evaluations on everyone in the branch.
HOLLY
Oh. [beat] Like in Star Trek?
At HOLLY’s reference, DWIGHT’s momentum stops suddenly and he gives her a look of surprise.
DWIGHT
What?
HOLLY
(seriously)
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Wrath of Khan.
The tables have now completely turned, and DWIGHT is staring wide-eyed at HOLLY. This goes on for a moment, during which HOLLY looks at him curiously and encouragingly to begin talking again. He then does, but not before he blinks rapidly a couple of times, and then coughs a little too loudly.
DWIGHT
Yes. Um,
(makes a mark on his sheet, again)
exactly.
HOLLY
(nodding)
I understand then.
DWIGHT
(casually)
Do you [beat] watch a lot of science fiction?
HOLLY
(slightly bashfully)
Oh no.
(smiles)
Just, um, you know Star Wars, Star Trek [beat] Battlestar Galactica.
DWIGHT
(startled)
I didn’t realize women watched Battlestar Galactica.
HOLLY
(laughs a little, while DWIGHT doesn’t)
Oh, well some of us do, I guess.
(nods)
DWIGHT
(nodding as well)
Yes [beat] well I think we’re done here.
(stands up suddenly)
I knew it was going to be Kevin anyway.
Without further comment, DWIGHT walks away from HOLLY, and leaves frame. The camera stays on HOLLY who is watching DWIGHT leave the Annex, with a small smile on her face. The camera zooms in slightly on her.
HOLLY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
That [beat] was actually easier then I thought it was going to be.
(smiles to herself and then casts a glace off-camera at the door for a moment)
Michael told me at lunch a couple of days ago that Dwight really likes science fiction and that show. So [beat] well, I actually do like that sort of stuff too, kind of…
(looks down at the floor embarrassed)
….but some people don’t, and uh, I don’t want them to know.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
Holly Flax is not the limping gazelle of the branch.
(stops himself for a moment, and hesitatingly continues)
I think some people may have, possibly, misjudged her.
(continues now thoughtfully)
And if she is a lesbian? [beat] Then Phyllis can introduce her to one of her friends or sisters.
(gives the camera a knowing glance)
Because I have seen them, [beat] and they probably are.
END OF ACT ONE