INT – Office.

Jim walks into the office, looking much more dressed up than usual in a white shirt, and an all black suit with a skinny black tie. His hair is not in its usual unkempt state, and is instead combed back. Natalie looks up from her desk, noticing Fancy New Jim.

NATALIE
Hey. Look at you all spiffy.

JIM
Hey.

NATALIE
You look nice.

JIM
Thanks.

Meredith walks over and stands in front of the reception desk.

MEREDITH
Whoa.

Jim looks very nervous of what Meredith is about to do or say.

JIM (hesitantly)
Meredith...

MEREDITH
Only in my dreams have you ever looked this hot.

JIM
Yikes.

MEREDITH
Let me get my camera so I can get a picture.

JIM
Mmm, let’s not?

MEREDITH
I left it in my van, I’ll be right back.

Dwight is next to approach Jim at the reception desk.

DWIGHT
What's with the suit? Are you interviewing with the Men in Black?

JIM
Hmm… nope.

DWIGHT
Hmph. How would you know? You probably bombed the whole interview, causing them to erase your short-term memory. Besides. They already have a “J”.

Dwight laughs and smiles at the camera. Jim just looks at the camera, obviously annoyed.

JIM Talking Head:
Tonight, I’m driving out to New York for Pam’s first official art show. The Met is hosting a special exhibit for graphic design and illustration students at Pratt, so it’s a pretty big deal. It’s huge. I’m really proud of her.

INT – Office

The camera is focused on Jim who is now sitting at his desk. A flash from a camera washes over his face and the camera pans to show Meredith standing beside him, taking pictures with a disposable camera.

MEREDITH
Hey, can you hold your hands up in the air like this?

Meredith holds her hands up in the shape of a gun.

MEREDITH
Like James Bond?

Jim shakes his head, looking down at his desk and refusing to look at the camera.

JIM
Nope. Not going to do that.

ANDY
Whoa!

The camera pans to show Andy walking out of the kitchen, grinning ear-to-ear at the sight of Jim.

ANDY
Look at you, Big Tuna. In the eloquent words of ZZ Top, you, my friend, are one sharp dressed man.

Jim looks at the camera.

JIM
Wow.

Andy walks over to Jim and rubs his arm to get a feel of the shirt.

ANDY
This is really nice material. Where’d you get it?

JIM
I don’t remember-

He’s caught off guard when Andy pulls at the back of his shirt to get a look at the tag.

JIM
Ok.

ANDY
Wow. Armani, huh? That’s cool. I see you, Tuna. You can’t be the number two sales person in this office forever.

JIM (under his breath)
I hope not.

DWIGHT
Pfft, please. I could get a shirt that’s just as nice for probably $1,000 less than what you spent on that hideous piece of ill-suited material.

JIM
Really, where?

DWIGHT
Two words. Salvation Army.

JIM
Nice.

Michael emerges from his office.

MICHAEL
Ahem. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I have a big announcement to share with all of my employees, and it can not and shall not wait until the end of your day of work-

STANLEY
What else is new?

MICHAEL
So if all of you shall file into our room of conferences in the next five minutes. Thank you.

Natalie gets up and walks up to Jim’s desk as he rises out of his chair.

NATALIE
Why is Michael talking weird?

JIM
Haven’t you learned already that it’s pointless to question anything Michael does?

NATALIE
Touche.

INT – Conference room

The employees filter into the conference room one by one. The table has been removed and there are several chairs faced towards the front. Michael is standing at the front of the room, wearing a top hat. Dwight walks in, noticing this, and pumps his fist in the air in excitement.

DWIGHT
Are you going to pull a rabbit out of your hat?

MICHAEL
No, Sir Dwight, I shall not do that.

DWIGHT
Well, that’s a waste of a perfectly good top hat.

JIM
What’s with the top hat, exactly?

OSCAR
And why are you talking like an Old Englishman?

MICHAEL
I should, you would, want to know.

JIM
And now you sound like Dr. Suess.

MICHAEL
It would appear that everyone is now present, so I shall tell you my surprise. Aha!

Michael pulls out a magic wand, as if he’s about to perform a magic trick.

JIM
Ooh, you’re going to do magic.

MICHAEL
No, I shant not.

STANLEY
You’re going to waste our time?

MICHAEL
No, I will not.

STANLEY (unsatisfied with his answer.)
Mmm-hmm.

MICHAEL
Shall you all remember our former receptionist, a one fair lady by the name of Pamela Beesly?

CREED
Never heard of her.

MICHAEL
Tonight, I am taking all of you to New York, New York, the city of love, to go see our very own Pamela Beesly star in her own art show.

JIM (looks confused)
Wait, what?

PHYLLIS
What do you mean tonight?

STANLEY
My obligations to this job do not go past five o’clock.

JIM
No. You are not taking everyone to New York.

MICHAEL
I will and I shall. I can and I may.

OSCAR
You still haven’t explained why you sound like a poorly written English sonnet.

MICHAEL
Well, the show is at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the fanciest museum of art of all museums of art, so it’s important to speak properously.

OSCAR
That… Is not a word. Unless you mean prosperously, which in that case... would also be incorrect.

JIM
Michael, you can not take everyone to New York.

MICHAEL
Well, I already reserved a bus to take us there and the deposit was non-refundable, so- Sorry, James, but there shall be no turning back.

JIM
No, I really don’t think this is a good idea.

MICHAEL
You’re right. It’s a fantastic idea.

Jim glances at the camera angrily. He’s obviously irritated. Natalie raises her hand.

MICHAEL
Yes. Natalie.

NATALIE
And why the top hat and magic wand?

MICHAEL
It's to make me look more classy and sophisticated. I want to be able to blend in with all the other classy and sophisticated art people.

NATALIE
Right.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD:
Kevin is wearing a hat made out of paper as he stares into the camera.

I'm wearing this hat because it makes me look more classy and sophisticated.

He continues to stare seriously into the camera before bursting into giggles.

KELLY TALKING HEAD:
Kelly is bouncing up and down in her chair, with a huge smile on her face.
We're going to New York! We're going to New York! We're going to New York!

JIM TALKING HEAD:
This can only end badly.

EXT – Parking lot.

The employees are lining up to board the bus that will be taking them to New York. Dwight is walking around the bus, checking all of the mechanics. He kneels down and feels the tires, as if he’s feeling for the pressure. He lies flat on his stomach and peers underneath the bus, craning his neck to get a good look. He stands back up on his feet.

DWIGHT
No bombs!

Natalie looks at the camera and just shakes her head.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Michael just got his cable restored the other day so he’s been watching a lot of movies. Last night, he watched Speed. He made everyone copies of what he thinks C-4 might look like.

Natalie holds up a picture of Michael’s drawing. He has drawn what looks like a cherry bomb, one that you might see on Looney Toons or in comic books.

NATALIE Talking Head:
He also made us take the stairs instead of the elevator.

EXT – Parking lot

The camera is focused on Jim, who’s standing with Natalie behind him. He still looks rather upset.

JIM
I cannot believe Michael is doing this. How did he find out about it anyway?

Michael hears this as he walks by the line.

MICHAEL
Natalie told me. She said Pam called and told her about it.

Jim looks at Natalie who simply mouths, “Sorry”. Michael walks by everyone and cuts in front of Oscar, boarding the bus. The camera focuses on Natalie and Jim again.

NATALIE
He asked me if I had heard anything from her, and it slipped. I’m sorry.

JIM
For that, I’m telling Kelly to sit next to you.

NATALIE
Oh, that is not even a rational response. You say a word to Kelly, and I will tell Andy to sit next to you.

Jim just shrugs as if he doesn’t really care. The camera pans to Andy who’s at the back of the line.

ANDY
Alright! All aboard the party bus! Yodel-Ay-Eye-Yodel-Ay-Eye-Yodel-Ay-Hee-Hooo!

KELLY
Ooh! Gwen Stefani!

Jim stares at Andy with his mouth agape. Natalie just nods.

NATALIE
He also brought his banjo.

JIM
Fine.

INT – Inside the bus.

The office gang is settling into their seats. Andy walks towards the back of the bus with Angela.

ANDY (gasping for air)
I can’t breathe!

ANGELA
Michael, can you please turn on the air conditioning? It’s too hot.

MICHAEL
The a/c will turn on momentarily. As soon as we start moving.

Everyone is now seated, facing Michael who is standing up front next to the bus driver, holding a clip board. Jim is sitting in front of everyone near the window, by himself. Natalie is seated beside Phyllis, and Kelly is next to Holly. Andy and Angela are sitting together, and the rest of the pairs are Creed and Meredith, Kevin and Oscar, and Dwight and Stanley.

MICHAEL
Alright, role call. Michael Scott, present. Dwight Schrute?

DWIGHT (raises his hand)
I’m present, Michael. Right here.

JIM
Why are you taking role call?

MICHAEL
To make sure everyone is presented for.

STANLEY
You can’t see that we’re all here with your own eyes?

MICHAEL
Stanley the Manley, present and blacker than ever.

STANLEY
What exactly does that mean?

MICHAEL
Nothing. Just- Kevin Maloney.

EVERYONE
Malone.

MICHAEL
Right.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
Didn’t you hate it when you were in school, and the teacher would call roll and mispronounce your name? I remember back in the seventh grade, we had a substitute teacher, Mr. O’Malley. And when he got to my name, instead of Michael Scott, he called me Michelle Scoot. It was awful. People started calling me Michelle all of time, and everyone started saying that I was really a girl in man’s body. My entire seventh grade year sucked. All because he didn’t say my name right.

INT – Bus interior.

The bus is now moving and pulls out of the parking lot. Michael has competed his role call and takes a seat next to Jim.

MICHAEL
New York, New York! Are you excited?

JIM
Excited is not the word I would use.

MICHAEL
Hey, while we’re out there while everyone’s at the museum, what do you say you and I hit up the clubs? Find some hot New York women?

JIM
Again, I thought things were going well for you and Jan and the whole… having a baby, living together thing.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, things are always hot and cold with Jan and this week it is below freezing. I can’t even get her to have sex with me, even when she’s asleep.

JIM
Gross.

The camera focuses on Kelly and Holly. Kelly has changed out of her work attire into a skimpier summer outfit, consisting of a tube top and jeans.

HOLLY
I like your top.

KELLY
Oh. Thanks.

ANGELA (from her seat behind Kelly and Holly)
That's why women get raped. They wear stuff like that.

Kelly turns to face Angela.

KELLY
I paid 60 dollars for this top.

ANGELA
Yeah, well maybe you can make enough cash on your corner and get your money's worth.

MEREDITH
If I had balls, I’d be sweating my balls off!

ANDY
Where’s the a/c?!

MICHAEL
Mr. Bus Driver, sir? Crank up the a/c, please!

BUS DRIVER
I can’t. A/C broke on the way over.

Everyone groans.

STANLEY
Oh, hell no.

KEVIN
I cannot survive a two-hour ride in 90-degree temperatures. We have to turn around.

MICHAEL
Relax, everybody. All of you have windows, use it to your advantage.

Michael reaches over Jim, and goes to open the window.

JIM
What are you doing?

MICHAEL
I’m opening the window.

JIM
That’s... not a good idea.

Michael pops open the window and because they’re now on the highway, a strong blast of air strikes Jim, blowing his hair around his face. Natalie and Phyllis, who are sitting behind them, groan in protest.

PHYLLIS
The wind is messing up my hair!

We can barely hear Phyllis because the wind is too loud.

MICHAEL
What?!

PHYLLIS (yelling over the wind)
I said the wind is going to mess up our hair, Michael-

MICHAEL
Not there yet, Phyllis! Almost!

Jim just looks at the camera and shakes his head in disbelief.

INT – Bus Interior

NATALIE Talking Head:
Of course Michael would confuse a New York City baseball team with a world-famous art museum. Of course Michael would tell our bus driver that we were going to SEE The Mets instead of going TO The Met. Of course we would end up sitting in the same spot on the Long Island Expressway for 35 minutes, because Michael took us to Shea Stadium in Queens, instead of The Met which is Manhattan. It would usually only take us 22 minutes to get to Manhattan from Queens… That is, if there was no traffic, which never happens during rush hour, so it will probably take us 22 minutes, give or take an hour or three. With no air conditioning. In August. I mean, it’s Michael. I wouldn’t expect any less.

INT – Inside of the bus

The camera focuses on various pairs on the bus. Angela and Andy are playing Mad-Libs.

ANDY
Alright, give me a noun.

ANGELA
Cat.

ANDY
And another noun?

ANGELA
Cat.

ANDY
Now I need an adjective.

ANGELA
Hmm… Fluffy.

ANDY
Another adjective.

ANGELA
Cat-like.

The camera focuses on Stanley and Kevin who are playing cards. Kevin is holding about 15 or 16 cards. Stanley is holding one.

KEVIN
Do you have any sevens?

STANLEY
Go fish. Do you have any threes?

Kevin silently curses to himself and hands Stanley a card which allows Stanley to win.

STANLEY
End of game.

KEVIN
Dammit! I HATE this game. I knew we should’ve played War. I’m so much better at playing War.

STANLEY
Mmm-hmm. Gimme my five dollars.

The camera focuses back on Andy and Angela. They’ve completed their mad-lib.

ANDY
Alright, got it. “Once, there was a fluffy cat and his nice owner, Andrew. The owner, Andrew, thought his cat was very white. The cat disagreed. The cat thought he was very holy and cat-like. The cat clawed the owner; the owner had no idea the cat could speak! The owner jumped out of his cat house in amazement! ‘Yeah, I can run,’ said the cat. "Yeah," said the owner. "You run just like Harry Connick, Jr!"

Angela laughs.

ANDY
That is really good. Hey, you know I was thinking, at our wedding, we should-

Angela immediately stops smiling, and switches to her “stern” face.

ANGELA
No.

ANDY
But you haven’t even heard my idea yet. I was going to say we should Mad-Lib our wedding vows. Isn’t that genius?

ANGELA
No.

ANDY
You don’t like my idea?

ANGELA
I don’t want to talk about the wedding.

ANDY
But… you haven’t even started planning the wedding, Snookie.

ANGELA
Don’t call me Snookie.

The camera is now focused on Jim, and Phyllis and Natalie who are sitting behind him. They are sweating profusely. Jim looks like he has taken a shower with his clothes on and his hair is matted to his forehead. Natalie has shedded down to just a tank top and her hair is pulled up in a sloppy ponytail, Phyllis’ hair is a disaster and her eye make-up is starting to streak down her face.

JIM
I knew we should have gotten off and taken the subway.

PHYLLIS
Why didn’t you tell that to Michael?

JIM
Because Michael is someone who only appreciates bad ideas.

ANDY
I have an idea! How about we play a car game.

Everyone groans.

ANDY
Oh, come on.

DWIGHT
We can play Slug Bug.

EVERYONE
No.

ANDY
Ooh! I got it. Let’s play Who Am I? I’ll start. Alright, everybody guess who I am. I am awesome. I have the voice of an angel. And I went to Cornell.

JIM
Cornell. What is that? Is that like a rehab center?

ANDY
No. Cornell is an Ivy League school, where I happened to go to college.

JIM
Oh, you mean your anger management college?

ANDY
What? No, it’s-

MICHAEL
Ok, ok, my turn. Ok, I am gay, and I like to sleep with other men.

Oscar rolls his eyes.

JIM
Wow. Really?

MICHAEL
What, no. That’s… You’re supposed to guess who I am describing.

PHYLLIS
Are you describing yourself, Michael?

MICHAEL
Blech. No.

JIM
Todd Packer.

MICHAEL
No! And I was born in Mexico, and I have the same name as a character on Sesame Street.

NATALIE
Elmo.

MICHAEL
What? No.

JIM
Snuffleupgas.

MICHAEL
No, who would name their child Snuffleupgas? Come on.

NATALIE
Grover was always my favorite.

PHYLLIS
Oh, I like Kermit the Frog.

HOLLY
Kermit was such a push-over, though. He let Miss Piggy walk all over him.

ANGELA
Miss Piggy was a whore.

OSCAR
I thought Kermit was on The Muppets.

NATALIE
He was on Sesame Street when it first came around, but then he left for The Muppets. I think Disney bought him out or something.

JIM
Sell-out.

MICHAEL
Can we get back to the game, please?

ANDY
What about The Count? One bat, two bats, AH, AH, AH!

HOLLY
Cookie Monster was my favorite.

NATALIE
Now what starts with the letter C?

Everyone except Michael and Jim shout the answer and starts singing.

EVERYONE
Cookie starts with C! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Oh, C is for cookie. That’s good enough for me.

MICHAEL
You still haven’t guessed who I am describing.

EVERYONE
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!

MICHAEL
Its Oscar!! Come on, gay, born in Mexico? Oscar the Grouch?

JIM
Wow. I never would have guessed.

OSCAR
I was not born in Mexico. Just because I’m Mexican does not mean I was born in Mexico, ok? I was born here, in America, just like you. We’ve been over this several times.

ANDY
I always thought Oscar the Grouch was kind of a douchebag.

There’s an awkward silence after Andy’s comment. Michael turns in his seat to face Andy.

MICHAEL
Way to kill the party, douche-racist.

NATALIE (to Jim)
That's really douchist of him to say that.

JIM
Douché.

EXT – Stairs of The Met

Sunset.

The bus pulls away from The Met. Michael bounces up the steps to the museum while the employees drag their feet behind him. The men are perspiring heavily through their shirts. Most of the women have stripped down to whatever sleeveless tops they were wearing under their blazers on sweaters. Michael and Jim’s hair is disheveled and matted to their foreheads.

NATALIE (to the camera as she walks up the steps)
Four hours later on a two-hour trip and we finally made it.

The camera focuses on Kevin who is struggling behind her.

KEVIN
Need… air… So… hot. Skin... melting.

INT - Inside of museum.

Michael walks inside and passes by the ticket counter, walking straight towards one of the exhibits. A lady in a uniform stops him before he proceeds.

TICKET LADY
May I help you, sir?

MICHAEL
Uh, nope. I’m good. Thank you for asking.

He attempts to pass her again, and she stops him.

TICKET LADY
Do you have a ticket, sir?

MICHAEL
Oh. I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware we needed tickets. Where do I-

JIM
Over here, Michael.

Jim nods from where he’s standing at the ticket counter, already being helped.

MICHAEL
Oh.

Michael walks over and stands next to Jim.

MICHAEL
Hello. I would like fourteen tickets, please.

LADY AT COUNTER
That will be two-hundred and eighty dollars.

MICHAEL
What?

LADY AT COUNTER
Two-eighty.

MICHAEL
You have to pay money just to look at finger paintings that any five-year-old with a crayon set can do? Can you eat the art? Is the art going to give me a massage? I mean, we’re just going to look at it.

JIM
Michael, come on. Don’t cause a scene.

MICHAEL
No. I won’t not… not cause a scene, this is ridiculous.

JIM
Ok, Michael, you know what? Look, I’ll pay for my own ticket. Ok? One, please.

Jim lays a bill on the counter and the lady hands him a ticket.

JIM
Thank you.

Jim walks off and Michael turns to face everyone.

MICHAEL
Alright, everybody, I need you to come over and pay for your ticket.

PHYLLIS
But you said you took care of everything and we wouldn’t have to pay.

MICHAEL
People lie all the time Phyllis. That's just the dealio of life. Twenty dollars. All of you, come on.

Everyone groans and starts pulling out their wallets.

STANLEY
I better see a reimbursement for this on my next paycheck.

MICHAEL
Take it up with HR.

HOLLY
Oh, but you didn’t clear this trip with anyone, Michael. I can’t-

MICHAEL
I didn’t mean you, sorry. I’m used to letting Toby deal with all the crap I don’t want to put up with. You, just… don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

INT – The Met

The camera follows Jim into a wing of the museum. The lights in the gallery are dim, and a banner that reads “Pratt Institute” hangs from the ceiling. Jim scans the crowd, which consists of small clusters of people, all dressed rather professionally and drinking from wine glasses. The camera spots Pam, conversing with an older gentleman. She’s standing by a wall of what appears to be her work, wearing a blue lace dress. She’s straightened her hair and has it pulled back in a tight ponytail.

The camera turns back to face Jim who is still searching for her. Jim turns to the camera.

JIM
What?

The camera turns to focus on Pam, then returns back to Jim who finally spots her.

JIM
Oh. Thank you.

Jim starts moving towards Pam, who is still talking to the older gentleman. The man's voice is muffled as Pam just nods.

PAM
No, I think he’s great, too.

Pam continues to listen to what the man is saying, but looks up and notices Jim. She immediately starts beaming at the sight of him.

PAM
Hey!

Jim shoots her a coy smile.

JIM
Hey.

The man pats Pam’s shoulder and makes a gesture to show that he’s about to leave.

PAM
Yes, thank you.

Pam turns and smiles at Jim.

PAM
Hi.

JIM
Another word for “hey”. But… sure. That works, too.

Pam shuts him up by throwing her arms around him in a hug. She quickly pulls away, scrunching her nose in disgust.

PAM
Wow, you… stink.

JIM
Thank you. Four hours in an un-air-conditioned bus will do that to you.

PAM
Yikes.

JIM
Yeah.

PAM
I got your text messages. So… Michael really brought everybody.

JIM
Oh yeah.

PAM
Is it too late to hide?

JIM
I don’t know. Last I saw of him, he was asking the lady at the ticket counter if the museum had any edible art.

PAM
Wow.

JIM
Yeah.

Jim finally stands back to take a look at her art work.

JIM
Speaking of wow…. Look at this.

Pam tries to hide a smile as Jim takes it all in. She’s obviously very proud of her display, which consists of seven colorful illustrations. She’s clearly moved on from her original “office art”, as her drawings now depict the New York City skyline, a child holding a balloon in Central Park, a taxi, the outside of a bakery on a city corner, fireworks over water, an arched bridge, and a final black-and-white drawing of a smiling Jim.

JIM (points at his picture)
I do not look like that.

PAM
Oh yes you do, actually.

Jim just smiles proudly at her.

PAM
So… what do you think?

JIM
I think pretty soon they’re going to have to give you your own wing. This is amazing, Pam. I mean, this is just so… awesome. You’re featured at The Metropolitan Museum of Art… I can’t think of any one else who deserves this more than you.

PAM
You have to say that because you’re my fiancé.

JIM
You’re right. Your art is horrible, actually. Just terrible.

Pam slaps him playfully. Jim just laughs.

JIM
What? You wanted me to be honest.

Pam just shakes her head at him as he beams down at her.

JIM
I am very proud of you.

Pam smiles and he gives her a kiss on the forehead. The camera focuses on Holly, who approaches them.

HOLLY
Hey, Pam.

PAM
Holly! Hey!

HOLLY
Wow. Are these yours?

PAM
Yeah.

HOLLY
Wow. They’re really good. You could be a professional.

JIM
Oh, she’s a professional.

Pam just laughs off his comment.

PAM
Whatever.

A loud banging noise comes from the background and the camera turns and focuses on Kevin who’s standing by a huge sculpture that looks like an enormous roll of duct tape. He’s kicking it repeatedly, for whatever reason. A security guard approaches him.

SECURITY GUARD
Sir, please don’t kick the sculptures.

Kevin just looks at the security guard and nods. As soon as the guard walks off, he kicks it again. The guard turns and glares at him. Jim and Pam share a look. The camera focuses on Meredith who can’t even walk in a straight line, and is stumbling down a hallway holding a glass of wine. We see Creed dumping wine out of the wine glasses and hiding them in his jacket like a kleptomaniac. Dwight is standing behind a woman in the gallery, sniffing her hair. The lady turns in surprise.

DWIGHT
Your hair smells like beets. What kind of shampoo do you use?

Michael, wearing his top hat, is moving towards them, taking in his surroundings.

MICHAEL
Wow, look at this place! This would be a good place to host the Dundies. (Recognizes Pam.) And there she is! The lady of the hour. Pamcasso!

PAM
Oh, God.

INT – Art gallery

Pam and Jim are standing by Pam’s wall of artwork as Michael approaches them.

MICHAEL
Pam-a-lama! Pam-angelo!

Michael runs up to Pam and gives her a giant hug, lifting her off of the floor in the process.

PAM
Whoa! Michael.

Michael places her back on the ground, but keeps his arms around her in a bear hug.

MICHAEL
Oh, Pam. I miss you so much.

PAM
Ok, Michael.

Michael finally pulls away.

MICHAEL
Ugh, you wouldn’t believe the low-life they sent to replace you. She is just… awful. She always writes in these bright colors like fluorescent pink or purple… You know, I think she’s trying to make me go blind on purpose.

PAM
Well, why don’t you just tell her to use a different color, Michael?

MICHAEL
No. I’m too nice to say anything about it, you know? That’s just who I am.

PAM
I know.

JIM
Hey. I am going to go check out the gift shop.

PAM
Oh, great. I’ll go with you.

MICHAEL
Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on your wall. Make sure it doesn’t get stolen.

Michael looks at Pam's art and points at the portrait of Jim. He looks at the camera, showing them the picture.

MICHAEL
That is Michael Phelps. This guy won a couple of Olympic medals. I think.

Kevin and Andy approach Michael.

KEVIN
Michael. You've got to come pee with us.

MICHAEL
That's gross, Kevin.

KEVIN
You don't understand. You get to pee in this giant sink. And then it flushes all by itself.

MICHAEL
That's just... weird.

ANDY
Come on. Go to the bathroom with us. It'll be fun.

KEVIN
Like an adventure.

MICHAEL
No, thanks guys.

KEVIN
Hey Andy, guess what. I have to pee again.

ANDY
Let's go.

Andy and Kevin run off.

INT - Art gallery.

Oscar and Natalie are standing in a different wing, looking at a piece of art.

OSCAR
And each of the six panels represents an aspect of life in Harlem.

NATALIE
It's really cool. The artist reveals the private moments of tenement life as well as the exhuberant humanity that existed in your typical New York City block.

Oscar seems impressed with her knowledge.

OSCAR
Have you heard of the Finer Things Club?

INT - Wing that holds Pam's gallery.

Dwight runs in from another room and approaches Michael.

DWIGHT
Michael, Michael. Come look at what I found. You’re gonna love it.

MICHAEL
Knowing you, it’s probably something stupid like the Chewbacca costume from Star Wars.

DWIGHT
Not possible. Chewbacca is very real. This is way cooler. Follow me.

Michael rolls his eyes and reluctantly follows Dwight into another gallery. The room is void of people, but full of what look like colorful African tribal masks.

MICHAEL
Oh. Wow.

DWIGHT
See! Isn’t this cool?

MICHAEL
You were right. This is very cool.

Michael picks up a mask and holds it in front of his face, giggling like a little schoolboy.

MICHAEL
Look at me, look at me. Hi, my name is Howard. I have a long nose.

DWIGHT
Look at me, look at me, look at me.

The camera swivels to show Dwight holding a different mask in front of his face. Dwight deepens his voice a bit to get into character.

DWIGHT
Hey… What are you lookin’ at? Hey. I’m from New York. Hey. I’m a tough guy.

Dwight and Michael burst out laughing, still hiding behind the masks. Michael starts impersonating a New York accent.

MICHAEL
Watch this, watch this… Hey! I’m walkin’ here!!

DWIGHT
You talkin' to me?

MICHAEL
You got it tough guy!

DWIGHT
Are you talkin' to me?

They continue trading off in different characters as the camera catches Jim walking by. Jim comes to a stop and enters the gallery.

JIM
Guys! What are you doing? Put those down.

MICHAEL
Hey Jim, watch this, watch this. What cha gonna do about it?? Huh?

JIM
Michael! Put the mask down.

DWIGHT
Look at me, look at me.

JIM
Dwight! Put. The Mask. Down.

A security guard steps into the room behind Jim with a look of astonishment on his face. None of the guys notice him.

JIM
Michael, Dwight. Stop it!

Michael and Dwight just laugh.

JIM
Seriously, guys!

SECURITY GUARD
What. In the hell. Are you doing?

Both Michael and Dwight look up, still holding the masks in front of their faces. Jim turns around in shock.

INT – A small office.

Jim and Dwight are sitting in two out of three chairs that are placed in front of a small desk. Kevin and Andy are standing against the wall by the door. Michael is pacing around the room with his hands in his pockets, looking at the various portraits on the wall. Michael stops in front of an oil painting.

MICHAEL
Hmm. This one’s still wet.

Michael reaches out to touch the painting and almost knocks it off the wall.

JIM
Dammit, Michael. Would you sit down, please?

MICHAEL
Whatever you say, Jim.

Jim sighs in frustration as Michael takes a seat on the other side of Dwight. Michael looks over at Kevin and Andy.

MICHAEL
Why are you two here?

KEVIN
We started throwing stuff in the giant sink. It clogged up really bad.

Two security guys in uniform enter the room, shutting the door behind them. One of the guards notices the camera.

SECURITY GUY #1
You need to turn that camera off right now.

MICHAEL
He’s cool, he’s with us.

SECURITY GUY #1
That’s exactly why I want the camera off.

MICHAEL (rolls his eyes)
Wow. This guy is a real buzzkiller.

The cameraman makes an effort to hide the camera in the seat beside him, but continues to film.

SECURITY GUY #1
Now. I’m sure you realize why you’re here.

MICHAEL (turns to his employees)
It’s ok, I can handle this. I learned this in my deposition meeting.

Michael turns back to the security guard who takes a seat behind the desk.

MICHAEL
We all swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but it, and the truth is we plead not guilty, your honor.

KEVIN
Not guilty! ... Your honor.

Michael turns to the guys and gives them a wink. Dwight nods in confirmation. Jim just shakes his head. The security guard stares at them in disbelief. A third security guard opens the door and walks in with Creed.

SECURITY GUARD #3
I got another one for you, Ed. We found this one swiping silverware from the cafeteria.

SECURITY GUARD #1 (to the guys)
Does this man belong to you?

MICHAEL
I’ve never seen him before in my life.

CREED
Hey. Michael, Dwight, Jim! Hey, Kevin. Andy.

JIM
He chooses now to remember our names.

The third security guard is emptying Creed’s pockets, which contain watches, keys, badges, brochures...

SECURITY GUARD #2
Hey! Those are my keys! How did you get those?

CREED
Are those yours? I thought those were my car keys.

The security guard holds up his keychain which is holding way more than 50 keys.

SECURITY GUARD #2
You thought these were your car keys?

CREED
I own a lot of cars.

INT – Art gallery.

Kelly is talking to Pam.

KELLY
I’m so glad you moved to New York, because it has taught you all about fashion. Seriously, those cardigans you wore made you look like an 80-year-old librarian. And the J. Crew sweaters were cute and all, but seriously J.Crew was only popular back when Dawson’s Creek was still on the WB.

PAM
Wow. Thanks, Kelly.

Angela walks by wearing a scarf on her head and shades.

PAM
Hey, Angela .

ANGELA
Pam.

PAM
How’s the wedding planning going?

ANGELA
It’s not.

PAM
Oh. Ok. How are things with Andy?

ANGELA
Terrible.

PAM
Right.

ANGELA
He wanted his family dog to be the ring bearer.

PAM
Oh. Well, that’s kind of cute-

ANGELA
Are you kidding? We misewell let a rabid squirrel walk down the aisle.

Pam’s cell phone rings. She takes her phone out of her purse and holds it up to Angela.

PAM
Phone call.

Pam walks away and answers the call.

PAM
Hey. Where are you? (beat) Why are you outside?

EXT – Stairs of the Met.

Jim, Creed, Kevin, Michael and Dwight are sitting on the steps and we hear banjo playing in the background. The camera zooms out and we see Andy sitting beside them, playing his banjo and singing “Super Freak” by Rick James.

ANDY
She’s a super freak, super freak. She’s super freaky, yow! Temptations sing, come on guys-

He waves at the guys to join him in singing. They refuse.

ANDY
Ohhhhh ohhhhh. Come on, join in. Ohhhhhhh ohhhhh.

A patron walks by and drops coins in Michael’s top hat which is sitting on the steps beside him.

ANDY
Thank you, my lady!

JIM (to Michael)
I can't believe you got us kicked out.

MICHAEL
Why are you looking at me? Dwight's the one who started it. You're my best friend, Jim. I would never do anything to make you upset. You know that.

JIM
I'm not your best friend.

Dwight raises his hand.

DWIGHT
Right here.

MICHAEL
Sure you are. And when I get married, you are going to be my best man.

JIM
No, I'm not.

Dwight raises his hand again.

DWIGHT
As your best friend, I will be your best man, Michael.

MICHAEL
You're not my best friend.

DWIGHT
I'm your only friend. Which automatically makes me the best.

Pam comes walking down the steps.

PAM
You were kicked out of the Met?

Jim stands up.

JIM
Not only that, but we were banned from coming here until 2010.

PAM
You’re kidding.

JIM
No.

PAM
Wow. I never knew you were such a hooligan, Jim.

JIM
Yeah, but I guess this means we’re even.

PAM
What do you mean?

JIM
Well thanks to Michael, we'll never get to enjoy all of the fine art that The Met has to offer. And thanks to you, I won’t be able to enjoy Chili’s for the rest of my life. Not unless we dress you up in a clever disguise.

Pam smiles.

PAM
Whatever.

JIM
Hey, I want my Chili's baby back ribs. They’re delicious.

PAM
Hey, you know today’s Friday. Which means I have the rest of the weekend off. And I have everything I need at our place back home so… I’m thinking I can ride back with you guys.

JIM
That just might make the unairconditioned ride worth it.

PAM
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Never mind, you go home in the stinky bus. I'll just stay here for the weekend.

JIM
Well you can't because I'm kidnapping you.

PAM
Really? Can I at least get a pretzel for the ride?

JIM
Hmm... I guess so.

They walk towards a pretzel stand on the corner.

PAM
And a Diet Coke?

JIM
Definitely not.

PAM
You're going to have me eat all of that salt and not have anything to drink? I believe that's in clear defiance of the Geneva Convention.

JIM
Wow. That's a little drastic, don't you think? You're hardly a prisoner of war here.

Pam laughs.

JIM
I'm sorry we ruined your night.

PAM
You didn't ruin it. All of these cultural New Yorkers, they're all kind of... pretentious and snobby anyway. Who cares what they think?

JIM
You do.

PAM
Yeah, you're right. But I'm marrying the best paper salesman in the world. Pretty soon, we'll be able to buy the museum and fill it with our own art.

JIM
Ooh, we can put a monorail in it.

PAM
A monorail?

JIM
I've just always wanted to ride on one.

They laugh and walk off screen.