Pam hummed to herself as she tediously prepared the bagged lunches she was going to take with them to eat at a nearby park for a picnic before she dropped them off for the weekend. She could hear them, packing, in their respective rooms, and she couldn’t stop the tears that started to build up in her eyes. Six months had passed since they’d separated and the every other weekend routine had started, and it wasn’t easier now than it had been that first weekend. Pam sighed, she wasn’t sure how they had let their relationship grow this distant. It felt wrong to be separated from him, to be living in separate cities, living different lives. The only thing now keeping them connected was the two children at the end of the hall.

“Momma,” a small voice called from the doorway, “I can’t find Mr. Beets. I can’t leave without him.”

Pam smiled at her small daughter, “he’s in my room Lizzie, on my bed, near the lamp.”

“Thanks Momma,” Lizzie answered and her six-year-old skipped down the hall to retrieve the red plush bear she’d been given at birth by a affectionate Dwight. The bear had been known as Mr. Beets ever since.

Elizabeth Marie was her youngest, a spunky six-year-old with eyes that reminded Pam of her father everyday. That part was hard, but then again, seeing Carter Mitchell, their oldest at eight, was a spitting image of his father and as rambunctious as he had been.

Pam’s heart ached when she saw her children and remembered the love that had created them. A love that had fallen apart when they hit the rough patch that no parent or couple ever wanted to have to live with. Pam ran her fingers through her auburn hair and sighed again. It wasn’t the love the shared that had fallen apart, she still loved him with everything inside her, but their life had been so shaken that everything they knew crumbled around them until he had moved out.

The official separation was filed only a week later and then he was gone. Neither had filed for divorce and she wasn’t sure that they would. She knew she didn’t want to, but then again, she didn’t want to hold him back either. It was a shaky situation.

You need to let him go, her mind told her again and she shook it off. She knew that would never actually happen, she could never forget the life they had together or the happiness she had felt in their nearly ten years of marriage. Ten years of marriage filled with laughs and smiles and all things great.

Pam snapped herself out of her daydream before she had buried herself too far to come back. That was something she had been working on lately, keeping herself under control, with the kids around she didn’t have another choice. Glancing at the clock over the stove she cursed quietly under her breath, at this rate they were going to be late.

“CARTER,” Pam yelled down the hall to her sports loving son, “are you almost ready?”

“Yeah Mom,” Carter answered and moments later he flew into the kitchen, a Philles baseball cap on his head and a couple bags in his hand, “I’m ready.”

“Do you have everything you need?” Pam asked, “your homework for the weekend, pjs, toothbrush…”

“Yes mom,” Carter answered rolling his eyes, “I have everything, including everything for that report I have to finish.”

“Okay, just checking.”

“Are we leaving soon?” Carter asked, “Dad promised to take us to the game this weekend, I’m really excited.”

“Of course we are going to leave soon,” Pam answered, “as soon as your sister is ready. Why don’t you go help her with her bags and I’ll finish up dinner.”

“Okay,” Carter shrugged and left the kitchen. Just in time to miss the tears that cascaded down her cheeks.

“Get a hold of yourself Pam,” she scolded herself, “you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Shaking it off, reminding her that they had done the right thing for their family, she finished up the dinner she was making.

As much as she hated admitting it, she knew that their separation really was what was best for them. All of their fighting had really taken a toll on Carter and Lizzie and they both seemed happier that their parents were fighting like cats and dogs anymore. Though, Pam had lost count of the number of times Lizzie had asked when her father would be coming home. It was something she wished she never had to hear her ask.

“Momma,” Lizzie called, “I’m ready! And I found Mr. Beets, thanks!”

“Your welcome,” Pam smiled, “we wouldn’t want Uncle Dwight to think you’d lost him or something. Now guys, lets get you all loaded into the car, okay?”

“Yup!” Carter answered and grabbed his bags before heading to the garage. Loading their bags, toys, and bodies into her car, she drove slowly away from her house…their house. It still held so many memories that tugged on Pam’s heart-strings and sometimes seeing it when she pulled up caused her heart to ache.

“Momma?” Lizzie’s small voice asked, “are you sad?”

“I’m sad that you and your brother won’t be able to go to the park with me tomorrow,” Pam answered with a smile aimed at her daughter. “But you and your dad will have a good time this weekend too.”

“I wish you could stay with us at daddy’s,” Lizzie said and Pam nearly choked on her water, “I wish we could be a family again, like before…”

“Shut up Lizzie,” Carter’s angry voice interrupted, “we aren’t a family anymore. Just drop it.”

Pam pulled off the side of the road and into a parking lot. She turned around in her seat and looked at heartbrokenly at her two children.

“Guys,” she started, “I know this had been hard on you two. And I’m so sorry. Daddy and I are just trying to sort some stuff out and we have to do that apart right now.”

“Will daddy ever come home mom?” Carter asked, voicing a question that she had never hear him ask before. “Cause Tommy, at school, said when his dad moved away he never came back. I want daddy to come home.”

“I know you do sport,” she said, rubbing her hand against his hair, “I know you both do. I can’t tell you what will happen, I don’t know yet. But we’ll do everything we can for you guys. Your daddy and I love you very much. You know that right?”

Both little heads nodded and Pam smiled.

“Good,” she said, “cause we do. We’d better go or daddy is going to think we forgot about him.”

Pam pulled back out on the road and turned up the stereo to let the sounds of Disney fill the car and erase the thoughts and tears of past mistakes.

---

As Pam pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot that they had designated to meet up at that was halfway between their two residences, she smiled sadly when she saw his black SUV.

“Look momma! Daddy beat us here.”

“He sure did Lizzie,” Pam answered with a smile and pulled into a parking space near his. “There is a first time for everything huh?”

“And he brought Champ,” Carter exclaimed pointing to the giant golden retriever that was sitting at her husband’s feet. “I’ve missed him!”

“I know you have buddy,” Pam assured him, “but now you’ll have all weekend to play with him.”

Pam put the car in park and within seconds both children were out of their seats and in their father’s arms. She watched their interactions with a grin and watched as her husband’s blue eyes sparkled.

“Hi,” he said, his voice cautious.

“Hi,” she replied with a shrug before turning her attention back towards Lizzie and Carter. “Come and give me hugs guys so you and your dad can get on the road.”

Four arms found themselves around her waist in seconds and she choked back tears and returned the hugs with intensity.

“I love you both,” she whispered, “so much. Be good this weekend, okay?”

“We will,” they promised and Pam hugged them again quickly.

“Okay,” she said and handed both their bags. “I’ve got to head home. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

“Bye mom.”

“Bye momma.”

“Bye guys,” Pam said, blowing them both kisses. Turning to their father she nodded.

“Bye Pam,” she heard his voice and was glad her back was towards him. It gave her a chance to regain composure before answering.

“Bye Jim.”

Then she climbed in her car and drove away, refusing to allow herself to look in the rearview mirror, telling herself again that they had done the right thing.

It was something she was having a hard time re-convincing herself now.

Jim taped his fingers against his steering wheel as he sat in the unforgiving Philadelphia traffic heading out of town on the busy Friday afternoon. He’d left work nearly an hour early to give himself plenty of time to drive to their meeting spot an hour north of his new home to pick up his two kids. He couldn’t help but smile, knowing that he’d get the weekend to spend with them. He missed them when they were in Scranton with Pam and had since regretted his move out of town, but he was excelling in Philadelphia and his new job as a sports writer for the newspaper there.

It had been the job he’d always wanted and now he finally had it. It was supposed to fill the hole that their separation had dug into his heart, but it in no way came close. He missed his wife and his adorable children and wanted nothing more than to work things out with Pam.

“If only she’d let me get close enough to talk to her,” Jim said aloud and his golden retriever Champ only whined in response. “I know Champ, I don’t blame her either.”

He’d been the one to pull away after everything had happened. He retreated into his shell, unable to shake the guilt that he had drowned in everyday. Nothing had been able to shake it off and no matter how hard she tried Pam couldn’t get him to open up. That is when the fights started.

They couldn’t go a day without picking a fight with each other about something; anything and it had escalated to the point where neither could take it anymore. So he had moved out and then officially separated.

It was the first step in filing for divorce.

Jim shuddered as the word entered his mind. It was the last thing he wanted. He had never expected that once he was married he would allow himself to even have divorce as an option, but now it was something he expected.

He knew he wasn’t going to be the one to actually put the ball rolling on that, he dreaded though the day the papers would come from Pam. He couldn’t expect her to pine over him forever. For all he knew she was seeing someone already.

You know she isn’t, Jim thought to himself, there is no way that she’s able to be in any kind of relationship right now. Everything is too fresh. It hasn’t even been a year since…

Jim cut off his thoughts, unable to let himself think about the reason for their spilt. It hadn’t been a year yet, they were still nearly a month and a half shy of that mark, and every day the pain he felt in his heart was as fresh as the day it happened.

He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts away, and turned up the radio. He was finally moving now and he focused all of his concentration on the highway before him, the song playing numbing his thoughts.

When he pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot in Slatington, PA he was surprised to not see her blue car already parked in the corner where they always met. He very rarely beat her there, as in like never. She always made sure that she was there first, probably to give herself time to say goodbye to the kids, something he knew she struggled with.

Securing the leash on Champ’s collar he let the dog jump down out of his SUV and walked him around the vehicle a few times to stretch his legs. Champ was Carter’s favorite so Jim always tried to bring him along when he picked the kids up. He hated what the separation had done to the kids. It wasn’t fair to them that their parents couldn’t communicate well enough to hold on to their relationship.

Jim knew that if someone would have predicted that he would marry Pam, only to be separated from her after nearly ten years, he probably would have laughed in their face. He’d waited so long to finally be with her after being in love with her for so long he wouldn’t have let himself think about ever letting her leave.

He could still remember their first real date as if it was yesterday and not eleven years prior.

“Hey Jim,” she greeted when she opened the door seconds after he knocked, “you look great.”

“Wow Pam,” he breathed, unable to take his eyes off of her, “you look…amazing. Uh, these are for you.”

“Thanks Jim,” she said, her cheeks turning the most adorable shade of pink, “would you like to come in?”

“And see this fancy new apartment?” he asked, breaking the overwhelming awkward moment with a bit of his humor, “of course.”

“This feels so weird,” she said and he couldn’t help but agree, “I mean, I’m thrilled, but…”

“You have some questions?” he offered and she nodded. “I don’t blame you there. You wanna move to the living room, we’d probably be more comfortable.”

“Do we have reservations to make?” Pam asked and Jim shook his head, “okay, would you like a beer?”

“That would be great,” Jim answered and after she grabbed two bottles from the fridge they settled themselves in the living room. They talked for several hours, never actually leaving the apartment itself, but ordering in. It had been the best first date Jim had ever been on and it was the start of a great relationship.

Jim smiled when he thought back to that first date. He had originally planned on actually taking Pam out to dinner at a nice restaurant, following up possible with a walk through the park near her apartment, but things hadn’t worked out like that. Neither cared though, they were able to get a lot out in the open and clear up a lot of stuff.

They saw each other almost every night after that, all summer long. Their relationship developed so quickly he was afraid it was going to crumble before he realized it, but it hadn’t. It had grown stronger and stronger until he proposed a year later, with a ring he’d bought in the first week of their relationship.

Pam had quickly vetoed a long engagement or a big wedding, so they were married four months later at an intimate gathering in the same park they had walked through before he proposed. Their co-workers had been invited to the wedding, with Dwight standing up with him as one of his three groomsmen, which Pam had somehow convinced him to do. He still wasn’t sure how that had happened.

Their wedding had been perfectly them.

They had been married a year when Pam told him they were going to be parents. There was such a joy he felt at having the knowledge that they had created a life and he had doted on Pam. They reworked their finances and decided to have Pam stay at home with the baby. She painted on the side when Carter was asleep and made some extra money that way. It worked perfectly.

He knew that now she was working at the elementary school in Scranton as the art teacher. He was so proud of everything she had accomplished.

Jim looked over to the highway pass and searched for her small car. It was still nowhere to be seen. He couldn’t believe that he had really arrived that early and then prayed that everything was okay with them. He had always been a worrier.

That is probably why the guilt had encompassed him so hard after it happened.

Jim shook his head again, determined to not let himself think about that right now. Right now he needed to focus on Carter and Lizzie, they had suffered enough already.

Champ surprised Jim by standing up, his tail starting to move a million miles a second, and Jim knew that Pam’s car had just pulled in, even without looking. Seconds later there were four little arms wrapped around his neck.

“Hey guys,” he said, smiling bright into their necks, “oh, I’ve missed you.”

“We’ve missed you too daddy,” Lizzie told him, her small lips pressing against his cheek. “Are we really going to the baseball game tomorrow?”

“We sure are,” Jim answered and Carter pumped his arm in the air, “I’m glad you are excited.”

“You bet I am,” he answered, “none of my friends have ever been to a game and I get too! I can’t wait!”

“Well,” Jim said with a short laugh, “you are going to have to wait just a little bit; the game isn’t until tomorrow night.”

“Can we go to the park before the game tomorrow?” Lizzie asked, “The one by your house?”

“Of course Princess,” Jim promised kissing the tip of her nose, “we can do whatever you guys want this weekend.”

“Will you help me with my homework?” Carter asked, “I have to write a report about Ben Franklin for history.”

“We can definitely put some history in too,” Jim promised, “and did you know that Ben Franklin lived in Philadelphia?”

Carter nodded, “yeah. Can we go to his house?”

“I’ll have to see about that,” Jim answered, “but we can do a couple other things. We’ll have plenty of time.”

“Thanks dad,” Carter answered and wrapped his arms around Jim once more before turning his attention to Champ.

Jim felt her eyes on him and looked up.

“Hi,” he said quietly and Pam looked at him surprised.

“Hi,” she answered with a forced smile and Jim tugged on his lip, a nervous habit he’d developed. “Hey guys, come give me hugs so that you and your dad can get on the road.”

Jim watched as she hugged both of them goodbye, whispering something he couldn’t quite hear into their ears before handing them their bags and watching them climb into his SUV. She started walking away when he found his voice again.

“Bye Pam,” he said, just loud enough that he knew she would be able to hear him. He wanted to say more, but he knew he couldn’t. Not without too many questions being asked and there wasn’t time to answer them right now, not with the kids so close.

“Bye Jim,” she answered without turning around and Jim watched her climb into her car and drive away. Jim stood for just a minute and watched as her car disappeared from sight.

“Dad!” Carter called, “come on!”

“Coming sport,” Jim answered and headed in the opposite direction of his wife.

About an hour later Jim was pulling his SUV into the parking garage of his Philadelphia apartment complex with two very hungry kids bouncing around the backseat. The drive had been long, which was normal, but the kids had kept him entertained with stories of baseball games and dance class. Hearing those stories made him regret even more living so far away, he missed so much.

“I like Miss Adrianna okay I guess,” Lizzie was explaining to him, “but I wish that Mrs. Kelly would come back. She’s my favorite dance teacher ever!”

“Isn’t she the only one you’ve ever had besides Miss Adrianna?” Jim asked her daughter and she shrugged. “When is Kelly coming back to class?”

“She said she’ll be back when the baby is a little older,” Lizzie continued, playing with the end of her ponytail, “I hope it is soon.”

Jim remembered when Kelly had told them she was going to be starting her own dance studio. It was everything he could do to not burst out laughing, but when Lizzie had shown interest in dance, Jim turned suddenly grateful. Kelly insisted that she would not take their money so Lizzie danced for free. Kelly and Daryl had been married five years now and just had their first baby.

“I forgot she was pregnant,” Jim said more to himself than to the kids, “so what did her and Daryl end up having?”

“It’s a boy,” Carter told him, “mom took us to visit Uncle Daryl and Aunt Kelly last week in the hospital. Mom held baby Winston.”

“So Kelly named him Winston after all,” Jim mumbled with a smile, “I knew that she was arguing for that name. How are they doing?”

“Good I guess,” Carter said shrugging, “Aunt Kelly seemed happy.”

“I’ll have to give Daryl a call this week,” Jim said aloud and made a mental note, “okay guys, you ready for a night in with dad?”

“I’m really hungry daddy,” Lizzie complained her auburn ponytail bouncing as she climbed down from the car. “Can you make us grilled cheese for dinner?”

“Sure princess,” Jim agreed, “if that is what you want.”-

Both little heads nodded and Jim smiled, “grilled cheese it is then! Let’s get your stuff inside and I’ll start dinner.”

They rode the elevator up to the eleventh floor, the home of Jim’s apartment, and skipped down to the end of the hall. Jim’s apartment was not the typical bachelor pad that most people expected. It had elements of that, of course, but it was also filled with pictures of his kids and family members. Toys that Lizzie and Carter kept at his house were found all over, not just in their personally decorated rooms, and then of course there was his and Pam’s wedding picture that he refused to put away.

There was of course though video game systems that were always pulled into the TV and games were stacked nearby along with the endless amounts of movies Jim had come to own over the years.

Carter and Lizzie took their bags to their rooms and Jim was glad he had decided to go ahead and pay more for the extra bedroom. Even though they only came and stayed with him every other weekend and some holidays he wanted them to feel at home.

Lizzie’s room had been painted in a bright bubblegum pink color and the Disney Princess bed set just added to the girly-ness of the room. Her room back in Scranton was similar, only Pam had painted a mural on one of the walls there. Carter’s room was all boy. It was completely sports themed and Jim had even managed to grab some authentic Phillies and Eagles gear for the room.

Jim poured each kid a glass of their favorite fruit juice and sat it on the counter next to the stools they would always come and sit at while he was making dinner. It was tradition. They would continue telling him about the things they’d done since the last time he had seen them and Jim would laugh at their stories and tell some of his own about the athletes he’d interviewed.

Carter was the first one to join him in the kitchen.

“So sport,” Jim started after Carter climbed up on the bar stool. “You never finished telling me the story about your baseball game last week.”

“Oh yeah,” Carter exclaimed his face lighting up, “so, it was our last game of the spring and we were playing this really hard team from a city over. We’d been playing really good, but it was all tied up and we had 2 outs already. Then I was up to bat. Dad I was so nervous…”

“Why?” Jim asked, “You’re my little slugger, those guys should have been shaking in their cleats.”

“Well,” Carter laughed, “after I had two strikes I was really doubting my chance, but then I remembered something you told me.”

“And that was?”

“You told me once, right after I struck out of my first Little League game, that no matter what - win or lose, you and mom would still love me and that it didn’t matter. You told me that as long as I was having fun that was all that mattered.”

“And so?”

“He hit a homerun daddy!” Lizzie supplied and Carter shoved his little sister as she spoiled his news. “What?”

“I wanted to tell you,” Carter complained to Jim, “but she ruined it.”

“She is just happy for you,” Jim explained, “and so am I. That is awesome Carter. You won your team the last game. How cool did that feel?”

“It was totally awesome,” Carter gushed, “we even went out afterwards to celebrate and mom let me order whatever I wanted. It didn’t even have to be on the kids’ menu.”

“What did you get?”

“I got chicken tacos,” Carter said, “I like those a lot.”

“Nice choice,” Jim agreed nodding his head, his eyes otherwise focused on their dinner. “I’m really proud of you sport.”

“Thanks dad. I wish you could have been there though.”

“Me too buddy,” Jim agreed and tried unsuccessfully to not be upset at himself for missing another event in his child’s life. “Okay, dinner is served.”

They sat around his small dining room table eating grilled cheese sandwiches and chips and Jim knew the only thing that would make it perfect would be to have Pam sitting there with him. Jim shook his head to clear his thoughts and focused his attention on Lizzie’s story about the stray kitten in their neighborhood.

--

Pam wove her car through the streets of her subdivision before pulling into her driveway. The house was dark and quiet and Pam knew she was in for a long weekend of nothing.

“Hey!” a voice caught her by surprise and she looked up to see her sister coming down from the front porch. “Where have you been big sis?”

“I had to drop the kids off,” Pam supplied, “it’s his weekend.”

“Oh,” Emmy Beesley answered and pulled her sister into a hug. “How did he look?”

“Don’t do that Emmy,” Pam begged, “please. Not today.”

“Pam…”

“No,” Pam stopped her. “I have to stop doing this to myself and you bugging me doesn’t help any.”-

“Pam you know that I’m not doing it to hurt you,” Emmy assured her sister. “I just don’t want to see you giving up.”

“I did not give up.”

“You didn’t?”

“No,” Pam said, “he did.”

“You know that isn’t c completely true.”

“Yes it is Emmy,” Pam said and sat down on the porch steps. “He shut me out. He wouldn’t talk to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried. For six months I tried to get him to open up and to talk to me but he wouldn’t.”

“He was hurting.”

“And I wasn’t?” Pam cried, the tears spilling over her cheeks. “I needed my husband and he shut down.”

“You should give him another chance Pam,” Emmy insisted sitting down next to Pam and wrapping her arm around her sister. “I think you’ve both suffered enough.”

“He doesn’t want me anymore,” Pam said, wiping at her eyes. “Why else would he have moved to Philadelphia?”

“Because he needed to get away,” Emmy suggested, “he wanted to give you space. After everything with Tey…”

“Don’t Emmy,” Pam gasped, choking on a sob, “please don’t? I don’t think…I can’t. Not right now.”

“Okay,” Emmy relented, “I won’t right now. But you have to talk about it Pam. It’s been nearly a year.”

“I know how long it has been Emmy,” Pam said, her voice laced with a hint of bitterness, “I know to the day how long it has been. I’m sure I’ll always know that.”

“And you need to talk about it,” Emmy insisted, “that is the only way you’ll be able to heal completely.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Pam.”

“I don’t, why doesn’t anyone understand that?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“What?”

“Jim didn’t want to talk about it,” Emmy said simply, “and you pushed him. That is when he shut down. He needed time to deal with it all.”-

“I needed my husband.”

“I know,” Emmy said, her voice softening, “but…”

“Can we drop this?” Pam asked suddenly. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“And that is your problem right now,” Emmy told her with a shrug. “But I’ll drop it for now if you really want me too. I didn’t come over here to argue with you.”

“I know you didn’t,” Pam told her sister, “it just happens.”

“I just think…”

“I know what you think,” Pam interrupted, “but I think it’s too late.”

“It’s only too late if you give up on it,” Emmy told her. “Which, I don’t think you want to do.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You’ve haven’t filed for divorce,” she said simply and Pam looked up at her. “And neither has he. That makes me believe you have a fighting chance.”

“I wish it was that simple.”

“It is.”

“No it isn’t,” Pam said tucking her knees into her chest. “It isn’t that simple to just let go.”

“Pam?” Emmy asked after a silent moment, “Do you blame him?”

“Sometimes…I can’t help it.”

“Pam,” Emmy’s voice said with so much sadness that Pam lost it again.

“I don’t want to,” Pam cried, the tears streaming down her face, “but…”

“He blames himself enough,” Emmy said, “he doesn’t need you to blame him too.”

“But…”

“I want you to do something for me,” Emmy said, stopping her sister. “I want you to go and talk to someone…”

“A shrink?”

“I think it would help you,” Emmy added, “a lot.”

“I don’t know,” Pam said, “I don’t really want to talk to anyone…anyways, I could just talk to you.”

“You may not want to,” Emmy said, “but it will help. Trust me. And you know that I can’t treat my own family. I have a lot of colleagues though who specialize in grief management…”

“But…”

“Think about it,” Emmy said and went to stand. “I’d better go. I’m sorry Pam.”

“Don’t be,” she replied and flashed her sister a smile. “Thanks for caring.”

“You’re welcome,” she said smiling. “Give those kids of yours hugs and kisses for me, okay? And give me a call if you need a number…”

“I will,” Pam insisted, “to both.”

“Good,” Emmy said. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Pam watched her sister drive away with tears streaming down her cheeks. Emmy was right. Pam knew that. Pam didn’t want to see a shrink though; she didn’t want to take responsibility for what happened between her and Jim. It was much easier to deal with when it was pinned on him. But that wasn’t fair to him.

Maybe she would give one of Emmy’s friends a call. Talking to someone would make her deal with it all, and as much as it scared her, she knew it was probably what she needed to do. For Jim, for Carter and Lizzie, but most importantly, for herself.

She sat out in the cool night air and cried until her head hurt. When she finally regained enough strength she unlocked her front door, closing it quickly behind her. Making it as far as the living room she collapsed onto her couch, tears still filling her eyes, and fell into a deep sleep.

Jim woke up with a start, the apartment dark and silent around him, with just the lights from the city peaking through his closed blinds. He took several deep breaths trying to calm his heart rate and wiped the back of his hand across his forehead removing the sweat that had settled there. Rolling over he glanced at the clock and couldn’t stifle his groan. It was only three am and he knew that he wouldn’t be getting much more sleep that night.

Leaning over to his nightstand he flipped on the reading lap that sat there, pulled out a small spiral notebook and opened to the last page marked. Quickly he scribbled the date and made a tally mark. He didn’t want to count the rest of the tally marks on the page, but he couldn’t help it.

Four.

Four tally marks since his last session, not quite a week ago. At least the number was going down. Jim recapped the pen and closed the notebook before returning it to its spot tucked far into the back of the nightstand drawer. Jim turned back over and lay on his back, his eyes refusing to shut as he knew the images that were waiting for him if he did.

Images and sounds that he was fighting hard to forget. Fighting to fade from his memory.

Kicking his feet around the side of the bed he pulled himself up and headed out of his room and into the kitchen. Being extra quiet because of Carter and Lizzie, he poured himself a glass of water and settled in on the couch.

Jim felt the tears fall down his cheeks and did nothing to try and stop them. He didn’t want them to stop. It was his release and the only thing that would allow him to get any sort of sleep that night without the haunting images coming back.

Slowly, Jim walked over to his entertainment center, and pulled down a picture frame from far in the back. On the outside, peering back him from behind the glass was a picture of him and Pam with Carter, right after he was born. Jim took the frame and held it against his chest, the silver cold against his fingertips. Sitting back down on the couch he flipped it over to show the black felt backing and slowly pried away the clips holding it in place.

His hands were shaking; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually allowed himself to look at pictures. It had been too hard. Pam had pulled all the pictures down after everything had happened and he’d barely managed to pull this one out before they were stored away. He knew where they were kept in the house and knew that once in awhile when Pam was feeling really down she would go through them. He wondered when the last time she had down that was. He wondered if she would do that today.

He hadn’t looked at the pictures since she stored them away, since he’d taken this one and put it behind the other picture in this frame. It was a frame that had sat on a shelf in his home office before he’d moved; she didn’t know he’d taken it.

Lifting off the back cover he held his breath. Staring back at him was a pair of emerald green eyes, just like her mother, and a bright smile with two front teeth missing. The tears came faster and Jim squeezed his eyes shut.

Amidst the sobs that raked his body he whispered, over and over again, “I’m sorry…God, I’m so sorry Tehya...”

--

Pam woke with a start, the sun in her face, and it took her a few minutes to realize where she was. Pulling herself up of her couch and rubbed the back of her neck. It was sore; probably from the way she slept on it, and stretched her legs out in front of her. The house was already too quiet and she flipped on the TV to drown out the silence.

She poured herself a cup of tea and sat down on the bar stool in the kitchen, running a hand through her unkempt hair.

“Get it together Pam,” she scolded herself, “this isn’t the first weekend without them.”

Pam knew why it was getting to her so bad today. She glanced up at the date and a tear collected in her eye. Pam climbed the stairs and sat down on her bed. She knew what she wanted to do, but it had been months since she had last allowed herself to really remember.

Pam looked out of her bedroom door to the attic door directly across from her room. The

door was locked; she knew that and the key was tucked away in her jewelry box. She didn’t want Carter or Lizzie to go up there. She didn’t want to answer the questions she knew they would ask.

She debated over and over again of whether or not she wanted to go up there. She knew she should, but actually getting her feet to agree with her mind was a struggle.

Twenty minutes later she was standing inside the attic door at the bottom of the steps. Taking the steps slowly it was another five minutes before she got up to the top and the tears were streaming down her face by the time she got to the top.

In the back corner there was a set of about twenty boxes, all marked TH and Pam ran her hand gingerly over the sides and the letters allowing herself to take everything in.

She, for the briefest moment, wish Jim was by her side. Going through these with her. But he wasn’t. He was taking care of their kids, probably remembering this day himself, and she knew that she missed him.

She wondered if Carter or Lizzie remembered what today was. She wondered if they would say anything to Jim and how he would respond. She wondered what kind of explanation he would give, if there was one to even vocalize.

She pulled the top box down off the pile and sat cross-legged on the floor. Her jeans were wrinkled from sleeping on them all night and her shirt was grungy from over twenty-four hours of wear but she didn’t care. Slipping her hand underneath the lid of the box she quickly opened it, before she could change her mind.

Pam bit her lip and blinked her eyes a few times in attempt to clear the tears that had settled there. Through the haze of her tears the light yellow and green book stared back at her. The monogram letters of T.H.H. were embossed on the cover and Pam held the baby book to her chest.

Pam let the tears flow; she knew trying to hold them in would be futile, so the streamed down her face. When Pam finally convinced herself to open the book she saw the picture of her, very pregnant, with Carter, just over a year, in his highchair right next to her.

She was smiling brightly, her left hand resting on her protruding stomach, and she knew that Jim was behind the camera. She remembered the day she found out she was pregnant again.

“Hey honey,” she heard his voice against her ear, “how are you feeling?”

“I’m a little better now,” she answered with a smile and kissed his cheek. “How was work?”

“Too long,” Jim answered and came to sit down next to her. “Michael had to call Dwight off of some insane hypothesis about your sickness and Kelly talked my ear off all day since you weren’t there, thanks for that.”

“Sorry,” she said with a giggle, “now you know what I have to deal with…”

“And I’m stunned you can do it,” Jim teased, “I’d blow my brains out.”

“Sometimes I want to,” she admitted and Jim laughed.

“Sleeping,” Pam told him with a sigh. “He’s been good today. Mom said he was an angel while she watched him.”

“That’s right,” Jim said with a nod, “you went to the doctor’s today. What did they say?”

“Well,” Pam took a breath, “I’m going to be sick for awhile.”

“Why? Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Well…”

“Pam, you are really starting to scare me here.”

“Jim,” Pam said, a smile tugging at her lips. “You make such a good daddy…”

“Thanks Pam,” he answered and she knew he was getting frustrated, “but would you please tell me…”

“Wait a second,” he said and took her face in-between his hands, “are you trying to tell me that you are pregnant? Again?”

“Jim honey,” Pam said with a teasing tone, “I think you know how…”

“Well yeah, but…”

“The doctor said that it happens sometimes,” Pam said, “I guess woman have increased fertility for a few months after she gives birth.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

“How far along are we?”

“About two months,” Pam told him, “which makes sense. This new little one is due April first.”

“April Fool’s Day!” Jim exclaimed excitedly. “I hope she is born on that day, I could have so much fun with that.”

“I pray she isn’t,” Pam argued, “for that reason alone. And what makes you think it is going to be a girl? This is going to be stressful, Carter will be barely one.”

“We’ll be fine,” Jim promised, “it’ll be an adjustment, but we’ll make it work. Call it a father’s instinct, the baby inside you is totally a girl.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“I am,” Jim told her, “and I‘ll start cleaning out one of the extra rooms.”

“You don‘t have to do that right away Jim, we have a few months to get ready.”

“But I don‘t mind starting right away,” Jim said with a shrug, “I don’t see why I shouldn‘t.”

“We’re going to be parents,” Pam said, “again.”

Pam jerked herself from the memory and wiped her tears away. That had been such a perfect moment. He’d been able to calm the fears that had plagued her all afternoon with three simple words and a kiss. He’d always been able to do that.

He’d been the perfect husband through the pregnancy, just as he’d been with the first. He was up to the challenge of supplying the foods she craved, which was a lot of pasta the second time around. Jim gloated when the second ultrasound confirmed it was a girl and worked hard on setting up the nursery just the way Pam wanted it. She was blessed having him for her husband.

Tehya Helene Halpert was born on April second; just twenty minutes past midnight and Pam had taken the opportunity to tease Jim endlessly. Their daughter was just as stubborn as he was, insistent on waiting past midnight. Jim teased back making sure she knew that he was the one who told her it would be a girl, long before the ultrasound confirmed it.

She flipped the page of the baby book and smiled at the next picture. It was Pam, about an hour after Teyha was born, with the little girl in her arms. Jim was holding Carter as they sat together on her hospital bed. She couldn’t remember who had snapped the picture, but she the feel of her little girl in her arms was like no other.

Pam flipped through the remainder of the book. Pictures of her first birthday party, her first steps, her first day of kindergarten, dance recitals, and every other moment they had caught on camera were throughout the pages, with notes in hers and Jim’s handwriting making sure they had the dates and details of each moment.

Pam sat in the stuffy attic for hours, going through the boxes of her daughters’ belongings, from dance recital outfits, to teddy bears, and Barbie’s. Her entire room was boxed up and put up in the attic. The room was then painted a stark white and the door closed.

It had sat empty now for the past nine months.

Pam’s shoulders were sagging, the emotional exhaustion overtaking her. Boxes lay sprawled around her with mementos from her time with Tehya. Well, their time. One picture in particular had caught her attention.

It was Jim, with Tehya on his shoulders, at the Lake. They both had huge smiles on their faces and Pam remembered the day it was taken.

“Jim,” Pam called up the stairs, “if we don’t go now…”

“I know,” Jim answered, “I know. We can be late.”

“Michael will have a fit,” Pam informed him, “and you know it.”

“He can get over it,” Jim told her, “besides, it is crazy that he is making us go to this thing anyways.”

“It will be fun,” Pam tried to convince him. “The kids are really looking forward to it. Speaking of kids, tell Tehya to come down here. I need to fix her hair.”

“Okay,” Jim assured her and seconds later, Tehya was sprinting down the stairs into the kitchen, her pink chucks untied and her jean shorts unzipped. Tehya at five was all spunk and had no problem keeping up with her older brother.

“Mom?” Tehya asked, “will Uncle Dwight be at the picnic today?”

“Of course he will,” Pam assured her while braiding her long auburn hair in one braid down her back. “And everyone else too. Was daddy helping Carter get ready?”

“She is?” Pam asked. “Okay, I need to go get her ready too. Your hair is done, tie your shoes, and make sure that you have your bathing suit and beach towel packed in your Barbie bag, okay?”

“Okay mommy,” Tehya answered and Pam took the stairs two at a time to Lizzie’s room. Sure enough, the three year old was awake in her lady bug bed. Pam got her dressed and checked on Carter and Jim who were both sitting on the floor in Carter’s room.

“Are you boys ready?” Pam asked, holding in the giggle that threatened to bubble up on her lips, while holding Lizzie on her hip. “We really need to go Jim.”

“Okay, okay,” Jim agreed and pulled himself up, “Let’s go Carter. We’ve got a picnic to get to.”

“Are we not having fun Mrs. Halpert?” Jim’s voice asked in her ear and she smiled. “Because, I’m pretty sure you were the one that wanted to come.”

“I did want to come,” Pam confirmed, “I guess…”

“You thought that a Dunder Mifflin company picnic would be more fun?”

“I suppose,” Pam said, running a hand through her hair. “That was stupid of me, huh?”

“Not stupid,” Jim told her, “just delusional.”

“Delusional huh?”

“Yup,” Jim said leaning over to kiss her briefly. “But I still love you.”

“Good,” Pam declared, “cause we’d have problems if you didn’t.”

“Mommy!” Lizzie called from the beach where she was helping Stanley’s youngest daughter build a sandcastle. “Come see our castle!”

“Okay princess,” Pam called back and Pam turned back to her husband. “We are pretty lucky aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Jim said as Carter and Tehya came running over. “Hey guys!”

“Daddy,” Tehya asked, pulling on Jim’s tee-shirt, “aren’t you going to come swimming with us?”

“Do you want me to kiddo?”

“Hey Halpert!” Pam called and watched as Jim turned around, “say cheese!”

Pam felt the wetness on her cheeks and knew that she wasn’t quite out of tears yet. It was hardly the day to remember what she and Jim had, and what their family was, before everything happened.

You can come back from this, Pam heard Emmy’s voice in her head and squeezed her eyes shut. She wasn’t sure that was the case.

You can, the words sounded again.

“How?” she asked the silence of the attic and only the silence answered her. She knew that if she really wanted things to work out between her and Jim she would be the one who had to make the first move. She had been the one to push him away, to insist that they couldn’t keep their marriage together and therefore she had to be the one to start to put it back together.

She just didn’t know if she had enough courage to try and possible fail.

You wouldn’t fail, she heard again and the tears continued to stream down her face.

--

Jim paced back and forth in the luxury box at the Phillies game they were out. Carter and Lizzie were happily watching the game from the front row seats they were in, blissfully unaware of their father’s anxiety.

He was just a bit overwhelmed. It had been a tough day for him and he was stressed out about the work he’d done to cover up his true feelings. But, of all weekends that he had the kids it was of course the weekend of her birthday.

He could imagine Pam, at their house, alone, dealing with it all on her own and it broke his heart. He didn’t want to be alone on this day, he wanted to be with his wife, remembering all the good times instead of dwelling on the bad ones.

Instead he had put on a brave face after his melt-down the night before, and ushered Carter and Lizzie around the historic district of Philadelphia for research on Carter’s history project. They ate cheese steaks at a little diner and joked and laughed.

All the while Jim’s heart was breaking. They should have been throwing a cheerleading themed birthday party, her latest obsession, in the yard of their Scranton home. He should have had to listen to Michael sing a high-pitched harmony to “The Happy Birthday Song’ and Dwight inspecting the structure soundness of the fort he’d built for Carter’s fifth birthday again.

Shaking his head, refusing to allow tears to fall, he turned his attention back to the game below them and was surprised to see that the Phillies had just pulled away.

“Man,” Jim muttered, “I look away for a second.”

“Try ten minutes,” Jim’s co-worker Bryan Greenwood pointed out, “you okay man?”

“Yeah,” Jim mumbled, “I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t. Seriously dude…”

“I’d rather not talk about it Bryan,” Jim interrupted the nosey co-worker. “Now is not the time nor the place and I already said I didn’t want to talk.”

“Sorry man,” Bryan apologized and backed away noticing Jim’s usually easy-going self not so easy-going at the moment. Jim watched the co-worker walk away and join another group of people across the box.

Sighing Jim lowered himself into a nearby chair and ran his hand through his shaggy hair. He hadn’t meant to get so angry but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t in the mood to make small talk and he sure as hell was not in the mood to divulge any of his feelings. Especially not to Bryan.

“Dad?” he heard Carter ask and looked up to see his son’s face, “are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine sport,” Jim forced a smile, “are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” Carter answered a smile forming on his face, “thanks for bringing us! I’m glad we are winning now!”

“Me too,” Jim answered, “so…did you need something Carter?”

“No,” he answered shaking his head, “you just seemed sad…”

“I love you sport,” Jim said tears brimming in his eyes and pulling his son close, “so much. You are such a great kid.”

Carter’s arms wrapped around Jim’s neck and Jim held him close.

“Okay,” Carter said pulling away after a second, “I’m going to go finish watching the game, is that alright?”

“Of course,” Jim said and wiped his eyes quickly. “Wouldn’t want to miss anything.”

“Nope,” Carter agreed and turned tow walk away. Turning around he looked a Jim for a moment before whispering, “I miss her too dad.”

Jim had to excuse himself before the tears poured down right there.

--

“Daddy watch!” Tehya’s voice called to him from out in the yard, “please come watch!”

“Yeah daddy,” Lizzie mimicked her older sister, “come watch us!”

“I’m coming!” Jim answered and put down the sports section of the newspaper he was reading, “okay, what did you want to show me?”

“We learned a new dance move this week,” Tehya answered her auburn curls dancing. Jim smiled at his four and a half year old daughter and her two year old sister. “We want to show it to you.”

“I can’t wait to see it,” Jim assured them, even though it was the third time he’d sat through the dance already. “Dance for me.”

“Hey honey,” she called from the open window, “can you come here for just a minute.”

“Sure,” he answered and motioned to the girls that he would be right back and headed into the kitchen. “What’s up?”

“Could you get the crock-pot down from the shelf in the pantry? I can’t reach it.”

“Sure babe,” Jim answered placing a quick kiss on her mouth. “So, the girls are really loving this dance class huh?”

“Yeah,” Pam agreed, “and Kelly assures me that they are both naturals. I’m glad that we decided to allow them to dance. I wasn’t sure about having Lizzie in the class too.”

“I know,” Jim said handing her the crock-pot, “but even at a young age she’s taken to it well.”

“She has,” Pam nodded, “thanks. You better get back out there before they think you abandoned them.”

“Like that would ever happen,” Jim teased, “love you.”

“Love you too.” And with another kiss he was back out the door and on the patio. The girls came running from the swing set and turned on their bubble gum pink CD player and finished their dance. Jim cheered for them and gave them both hugs.

Jim nursed a bottle of beer later that night on the patio of his apartment after he had tucked Carter and Lizzie into bed. It had been a long day and he was more than ready to let himself have a few moments alone.

He had smiled and laughed with them while they were out and celebrating a narrow win by the Phillies and had read them a bedtime story before kissing their foreheads and turning out the light.

That had been hours ago.

Now he was sitting on his patio, watching the lights of the city below him. He knew he couldn’t get drunk, he still had the kids for one more day, and waking up with a hang-over would not be okay.

That is why he was still on his first beer. Finishing it off he headed into the kitchen and tossed the bottle. Slipping into his room quietly, careful not to wake Lizzie, who as a very light sleeper could wake up to practically anything, and made his way to his closet.

Quickly he changed into some old basketball shorts and an old tee-shirt to sleep in he tossed his shoes up onto the shelf. Over throwing his mark he hit a stack of boxes in the corner, knocking them to the ground. The lid of the top box flew out, allowing the paper inside it to cover the floor of his closet.

Jim held his breath, choking his tears back, and picked up the newspapers clippings that he hadn’t been able to get rid of.

They were newspaper clippings, twenty-one of them to be exact, all with different headlines, saying pretty much the same thing. Picking up the one closest to him, he fell to his knees. This was the last think he wanted to see today. Jim read it, over and over again, before throwing up.

Pam tucked her feet under her and pulled the thick fleece blanket around her chin. She hated that they were going through an oddly cool spring and the temperature outside was low enough it constituted turning on the heat, even now in April. She buried herself farther into the blanket and sipped the tea that sat next to her.

Her phone sat on the couch cushion next to her and she had picked it up and set it down more times than she could count in the last half hour. It was early, probably too early to call, she knew that, but she wanted to. Which was a step in itself. For the first time in ages she wanted to call him. She wanted to talk to him and she knew that was a good step to have.

Instead of dialing his still familiar number she pressed a series of other numbers and waited while the phone rang.

“This had better be damn important,” her sister’s groggy voice answered, “You’re waking me up before eight on a weekend.”

“Sorry Emmy,” Pam said and she couldn’t hide the weight in her words. “I guess I thought you’d be up. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Nonsense Pam,” Emmy replied, “I’m up now. Are you okay?”

“I’m not sure,” Pam answered with complete honesty, “I want to be though.”

“Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really,” Pam told her, “I got a couple hours, I think.”

“Yesterday was tough for you huh?”

“Yeah,” Pam said, “I went through some of her things.”

“Really?” Emmy asked and Pam could hear the surprise in her voice. “You did?”

“Yup.”

“Pam,” Emmy said, “That’s great. I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Pam answered and leaned her head back against the couch. “I wanted to ask you something Emmy.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you really believe that I…we have a chance of fixing everything? I mean, Jim and me?”

If Emmy was surprised she hid it from Pam and answered quickly. “I do. I always have.”

“How?”

“Well,” Emmy started, “first you have to deal with some stuff. And not just by going through some boxes in your attic. You have to understand that you can’t blame Jim for what happened. Even if he blames himself, you can’t. It wasn’t his fault.”

“I want to try…”

“You should talk to him,” Emmy told her, “and not just small talk, but really talk. Really start to clear the air…”

“I dunno…”

“Pam if you are really committed to trying again, to repairing your marriage then you have to work at it. It isn’t something that is going to be easy and it isn’t going to be painless, but if you stick with it, the reward will be worth it.”

Pam was silent for a few minutes as she took in what Emmy was telling her. She knew her sister was right. In order to repair what they had they would really have to hash some things out. She would have to conquer her fear and insecurities and tell him what she really wanted to.

That wasn’t going to be easy.

“How am I supposed to get him to talk to me?”

“Ask him,” Emmy said simply. “And don’t let him tell you no. He wants this too, I can guarantee it.”

“Thanks Emmy,” Pam said quietly. “I love you.”

“Love you too sis,” Emmy replied. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” Pam answered and waited until she heard the line click off. Setting the phone back down she glanced up at the mantle above the fireplace and gazed at the one picture of Jim that she had left out. It was right after he had proposed and they were both smiling for the camera, her new ring glittering in the sunlight.

Pam picked up the picture and watched as the tear drops fell onto the glass. They had been so happy and so in love. The house seemed strange now without him there. She hadn’t gone out to the terrace in some time now.

She set the picture back down. This was it. She was ready now. Ready to try again. Ready to put it all behind her and do what she should have a long time ago.

She grabbed her keys.

Jim taped his fingers against the steering wheel of his car as he sat idling in the parking lot of the wal-mart he was waiting to meet Pam at to trade kids back. It was nearing five-twenty, almost twenty minutes past their regular meeting time.

“Dad,” Carter asked, “where is mom?”

“I don’t know sport,” he answered honestly and glanced at the clock on the radio again, “I’m sure she’ll be here soon. There was probably traffic.”

“I guess,” Carter yawned and leaned his head back against the headrest, matching his already sleeping sister. “But…”

“She’s fine Carter,” Jim interrupted the train of thoughts that he knew had entered his son’s mind. “She’s just running late.”

“Okay,” he said sleepily, “dad?”

“Yeah sport?”

“I wish you weren’t so sad.”

Jim choked back tears for a few minutes before he felt them run down his face. He didn’t answer for several minutes trying to regain his composure while at the same time attempting to comprehend his son’s words.

“I mean,” Carter stumbled, “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry Carter,” Jim assured him and turned in his chair to face him. “I’m sorry I’m so sad. I wish I wasn’t either.”

“Mommy is sad too.”

“We’re trying to not be as sad,” Jim told him, “but it is hard some days.”

“’Cause you miss Tehya?”

“Yeah sport,” Jim nodded, “I miss her a lot.”

“I do too,” Carter told him, “I miss having her to play with. Lizzie doesn’t really remember her too well.”

“She was too little when Tehya…”

“When she went to heaven,” Carter answered for his father and Jim nodded again. “I’m sorry she went to heaven daddy.”

Jim bit down hard on his lip until the taste of his own blood broke his concentration. With tears rolling down his face, Jim reached back and grabbed Carter’s hand tight.

“I am too,” Jim answered huskily, “but we can’t change what happened, we can just go on and remember the time we had with her when she was here.”

“And all the fun we had.”

“Yup,” Jim answered and smiled for the first time in nearly twenty minutes. “I love you so much sport, don’t ever think that I don’t.”

“I know you love me dad,” Carter assured Jim with a shrug, “I just wish you didn’t live so far away.”

“I know.”

“I want you to come home,” Carter told him while fumbling with his hands in his lap, “and so does Lizzie…”

“Carter…”

“Mom does too,” Carter told him, “even if she hasn’t said it I know she does. I’ve seen her looking at your picture and crying and…”

“Carter please,” Jim stopped him, “I can’t come home right now. Not until…not until your mom and I can work things out.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Carter, not now.”

“But when dad?” Carter asked his voice raising a touch and the stubbornness he inherited from Pam shining through, “I just don’t understand…”

“That is because you’re only eight,” Jim said sternly, “you couldn’t understand.”

“Dad…”

“I love you Carter,” Jim interrupted him again, “but I’m not going to talk about this with you. I’m not.”

The car fell into a silence that Jim couldn’t stand and he flipped on the stereo and went for his phone when he noticed the car that pulled into the spot next to his truck. It wasn’t Pam’s car, but one he knew almost as well.

“Aunt Emmy,” Carter said a small smile forming on his lips, “Lizzie wake up! Aunt Emmy is here.”

“Aunt Emmy?” Lizzie groggily asked and Jim had the same sentiments.

If Emmy is picking them up…Jim’s mind raced, then where is Pam? Is she okay? What happened?

Jim’s internal questions were answered as if he had said them aloud when Emmy opened her car door.

“Hey Jim,” Emmy greeted, “Sorry I’m late but traffic was horrible and it was a last minute change of plans. Don’t worry though, Pam is fine.”

“Where is mom?” Carter asked after he unwrapped his arms from his Aunt’s waist.

“She had some things she really needed to do today Cart,” Emmy answered him, “So she asked if I could come pick you up and hang out with you tonight.”

“Yeah!” Lizzie cried and jumped up and down. “Can we stay up all night and watch movies and eat ice-cream?”

“I don’t think so,” Jim answered for his sister-in-law and couldn’t help but catch the look that passed between her and his children. He knew that she was the ‘cool’ aunt that had always spoiled them rotten. “Okay guys, come and give me hugs so you and Aunt Emmy can start on your super cool night.”

“Bye daddy!” Lizzie said hurriedly with one last hug. “I love you.”

“Love you too Princess,” Jim whispered and held on to her tightly before releasing her to run over to Emmy’s car. Carter was next. “Bye Carter.”

“Bye dad,” Carter answered less tersely than Jim expected. “I love you too.”

“I love you,” Jim assured his son, “so much. And I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“I’m sorry too,” Carter answered, “but…”

“Not right now, okay?”

“Okay,” Carter agreed and wrapped his arms around Jim’s neck. “Just, it wasn’t your fault, okay? I know…it wasn’t.”

Jim nodded and pulled Carter in tighter, “thank you. Have a good week and I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay,” Carter answered with a bright smile that reminded him too much of Pam.

“Come on Carter!” Lizzie yelled from the open window of Emmy’s car and Carter nodded.

“I’m coming!”

As he watched Carter climb into Emmy’s car he turned back towards his sister-in-law and wiped a few tears from his eyes.

“They are great kids, aren’t they?” Emmy asked him and Jim could only nod. “You did good.”

“It is mainly your sister,” Jim told her with a shrug. “How is she?”

“She had a hard weekend,” Emmy answered honestly and that was one thing that Jim had always admired about her. “But she’s doing better I think.”

“You think?”

“I’d like to ask you a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why do you blame yourself?”

“Emmy…”

“Answer the question Jim.”

“You aren’t my shrink.”

“No,” Emmy agreed, “I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help.”

“I can’t answer that question.”

“Yes you can.”

“Emmy you have to go,” Jim said waiving her off. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jim you have to know that she doesn’t blame you.”

“Emmy…”

“She doesn’t,” Emmy continued, “and neither does anyone else. Bye Jim.”

Jim stood planted in his spot as he watched them drive away and didn’t care about the tears that streamed down his face.

--

Pam questioned herself for the hundredth time as she sat in her car, her mind rolling around and around to what she wanted to say. It didn’t help that the longer she sat there the harder it was to wait. She felt a tad stalker-ish and that just made her laugh. Which was ironic in itself.

“What am I doing?” she asked herself and the silence of the car was the only answer. An answer to a question she already knew. She wanted her life back, her family back and most importantly to her in that moment, her husband back.

She had only been to his apartment building in Philadelphia once before, but she could remember every detail of it. That was one of her many weird quirks, her memory was quite astute. She had always attributed it to being an artist, but she didn’t really know for sure.

His apartment was on the eleventh floor, on the end, with the patio extending from his master bedroom looking out over the park. It had been beautiful, but she hadn’t allowed herself to think of him there.

She hadn’t wanted to. She had wanted him home with her for months and she was finally ready to start putting that in action.

She only hoped that he was ready too.

She contemplated the way she wanted to approach him. Should she wait until he was back inside and then knock, or should she be waiting at his door when he went up? She wasn’t sure so she continued sitting in her car trying to decide. Pam’s phone buzzed and without even looking at it she knew it would be from Emmy.

She laughed when she was right.

The text message was simple; Got the kids and we’re already having fun. Good luck, though you don’t really need it. You can do it. Love ya.

It was Emmy’s less than veiled attempt of telling her that Jim was on his way home and Pam’s nerves began to flutter. She shook her head and took a deep breath. He wouldn’t be home for at least another half hour so sitting there waiting wasn’t going to do her any good.

Twenty minutes later she was sitting on the stairs right outside of Jim’s apartment with a latte in hand, the butterflies in her stomach roaring. She kept trying to figure out exactly what she wanted to say and kept coming up with nothing more than ‘I love you’ and ‘Please come home.’

She was sure that wasn’t going to be enough but she had to try something and so far that was the best she had.

She glanced down at the watch on her wrist and sighed. She felt as if the minutes were ticking by extremely slow and was relieved to find that a full ten minutes that gone by. It was seconds later when she heard his footsteps on the stairs.

Pam focused her eyes on her shoes, twirling the latte cup around in her hands. She wanted to look up when the door of the stairwell opened but she couldn’t. She couldn’t look up when his footsteps came to an abrupt halt either, or when his voice caught in his throat.

“Pam?”

His voice was barely a whisper and she could hear the unasked questions that now floated in the air. She didn’t blame him though, how could she. She had shown up, unannounced, and couldn’t even look at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked and the tears in her eyes spilled over. She couldn’t stop them and before she knew it Jim was kneeling beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. “Please talk to me Pam, are you okay?”

She nodded, then shook her head, then shrugged and let out a strangled laugh. That strangled laugh soon became a fit of giggles, until she was flat out laughing and Jim was looking at her like she was crazy.

“Oh my god,” she breathed, “I don’t know where that came from, but it felt so good.”

“Pam?”

“I’m not crazy,” Pam assured him, finally looking up and meeting the bewildered look on his face. “I’m not.”

“I know that.”

“Good,” Pam nodded, “I’m…”

Her voice dropped off and her eyes refocused on the ground. She didn’t understand why this was hard.

“Pam,” Jim started again, “I have to ask, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” Pam told him, “I needed to see you.”

“Okay…”

“I miss you Jim,” Pam continued, “I miss you so much and…”

“Pam?”

“I want you to come home.”

“Home?”

“Yes,” Pam said, “I hate that you aren’t home and I miss you and I want you to come back Jim. I love you, I always have and…”

“I can’t.”

“You what?” Pam asked, unable to hide the surprise and disappointment. “Why can’t you? Why?”

Jim looked around the hallway and rubbed the back of his neck. A few moments later he spoke again. “Let’s go inside,” he told her, “this isn’t something we should probably talk about in the hallway.”

“I don’t want to go inside; I want to finish this now.”

“No,” Jim insisted, “not out here. Come inside Pam.”

Jim opened the door of his apartment and waited until Pam finally stood up and followed him inside the apartment. She sat down on his couch and kept her hands pressed together securely. Jim could see the tears brimming in her eyes and hung his head as he sat down across from her.

“Pam, don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying,” Pam insisted, her voice cracking, “why I would be crying. My husband doesn’t seem to want to be with me or his family…”

“Pam stop it,” Jim demanded, “that isn’t the case and you know it.”

“Then what is it Jim?” Pam asked the tears still clouding her vision; “are you seeing someone? Is that it?”

“God Pam,” Jim groaned, “do you really think that little of me? I love you, I always will and there will never be anyone else for me other than you.”

“Then why won’t you come home Jim? I’m here begging you to come home and yet…”

“I can’t face that place Pam,” Jim whispered and her protests stopped suddenly, “why do you think I moved away to begin with? I can’t go back and…I just can’t.”

“Oh Jim,” Pam breathed the pieces of some of the puzzle finally starting to fall into place, “this is my fault.”

“What? How can you say that?” Jim asked throwing his hands up in the air, “this isn’t your fault Pam. This is in no way your fault. I’m the only one to blame here…it was me, it should have been me.”

“Don’t say that Jim,” Pam demanded the tears once again spilling over the eyes. “I don’t think that and neither do Carter and Lizzie.”

“But…”

“No,” Pam yelled catching him off guard, “you don’t get to think like that okay. It more than sucks what happened and I’ll miss her every day, but I don’t for a second wish it was you. The thought of loosing you kills me, I can’t lose.”

“Pam…”

“It wasn’t your fault Jim,” Pam continued without missing a beat, “you weren’t the one behind the wheel of that car, you weren’t the one out driving drunk, you weren’t. You tried to protect her; you did everything you could…”

“Then why isn’t she here with us anymore?” Jim yelled and Pam didn’t have an answer. “Why did that ass of a man get to walk away with no injuries and my little girl will never grow up. It isn’t fair!”

“I know that,” Pam answered and reached across his coffee table to slip her hand into his, “but we can’t change the past.”

“I’ll always feel responsible.”

“You shouldn’t,” Pam assured him, “and I know that those feelings are partially my fault too. I didn’t make you feel any better about any of it…”

“I didn’t tell you what was going on in my head either…”

“We both made mistakes Jim,” Pam whispered, “but I don’t want to keep making them. I want to have my family back. I want you back.”

“I really don’t know if I can go back and live in Scranton again Pam,” Jim told her honestly, “I don’t think…”

“Then we’ll move here,” Pam said with a shrug. “As long as we’re together I don’t care where we live.”

Beads of sweat were gathering on his forehead and he wiped his hand across it to clear the moisture, only it didn’t work. His heartbeat was getting faster and faster as his eyes darted around the full playground looking for his daughter. Her auburn head was no where to be found. They had been playing with a pink baseball he’d gotten her as a ’just-because’ gift. It was their special time, Saturday mornings where their time. Sometimes it was just breakfast at the lake, or playing at the park, or roller-skating. Anything that she wanted to do, he did the same with Carter on Sunday.

But now he couldn’t find Tehya. She had just been there and he’d only looked away for a minute, he needed to take the call that had rung through on his phone. He didn’t normally answer his phone for anyone but Pam during that time, but he’d been waiting on a call about a possible job and he couldn’t miss it.

It had been literally five minutes he’d been on the phone. Just long enough to set up an interview and express how thrilled he was to be considered. She had been throwing the ball up in the air catching it in her matching pink baseball glove when he’d last glanced at her. She was smart, even at six and knew not to wander away on her own.

He called out her name and didn’t get any response. No one around him seemed to acknowledge his existence, even when he continued to yell at the top of his lungs for his daughter.

Time seemed to be slowing down, everything in slow motion as his eyes finally glanced over to the road. Where her auburn red hair caught the light of the sun to grab his attention. He knew this was what was coming. It was an intense sense of déjà vu that he couldn’t shake. Time was going slower, everything around him at a literal stand still. His feet wouldn’t move from the spot he’d been rooted too.

Then it happened, the screech of the tires he all the sudden knew that he had been waiting for, without even realizing it.

He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out.

He wanted to close his eyes, to shield his mind from what he knew was coming. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t look away. No matter how hard he tried.

Then as soon as it started it seemed to be over. But the mood was different and the sirens seemed to be growing louder and louder. He knew they were coming for her. For his baby girl and yet he still couldn’t move.

The crowd around the ambulance, that seemed to appear out of nowhere, parted and he could see her face. Still, pale, and life-less. And that is when he lost it. A scream bubbled up from his chest and it took him a minute to realize he’d been screaming the whole time.

Jim bolted himself awake, nearly sending himself flying off the couch. The only thing that held him there was the pressure of Pam across his torso. Jim laid his head back down against the hard armrest and focused on breathing. He had to calm himself down.

“You were dreaming,” Pam’s voice met his ears, another shock to his system. He hadn’t noticed her eyes opening and studying him. The tone in her voice made him know it wasn’t a question. He nodded solemnly. “How often do you still dream about…”

“Too often,” he answered with hint of bitterness in his voice. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” she told him simply threading her fingers through his and when he felt the cool metal of her wedding and engagement rings he nearly fainted from joy. “I was thinking.”

“About…” Jim probed. He wanted to know whatever was going on inside her head.

“Us.”

A flash of panic rose in the forefront of Jim’s mind and he shook his head to free the feelings. He could deal with whatever she said, he had to.

“Okay.”

The room was awkwardly silent for the first time in hours that he could remember and Jim hated the noiseless exchange. He needed words. He needed her words.

“I really want this to work.”

“Me too.”

“I know.”

“I want you to know that I’ll do whatever it takes Pam,” he assured her, “I will…”

“Except going back to Scranton.”

Jim paused for a moment and ran his hand through his hair, “Pam…”

“If you can’t, I’d…understand.”

“Would you?”

“Yes,” Pam told him, “I would. I just…I would miss that house. We have so many memories there.”

“I know,” Jim sighed, “and that is what makes it so hard for me. So many memories with her in them. I’m not sure…”

“Jim,” Pam stopped him placing her fingers gently against his lips, “I’ll move for you. I will, I don’t care.”

“But you do,” Jim argued, “and you can’t say really that you don’t. Your friends are there, family, your job…”

“I can get a job anywhere,” Pam told him, “and I can make new friends while I stay close to the ones there. I’m not afraid to be away from my family, it might give Emmy a reason to finally get out of that dead end town. As long as I’m with you Jim, I’ll be fine.”

“Pam…”

“I’ll call the school right now and put in my two weeks notice if you want,” Pam interrupted him. “I’m not sure how else I can get through to you.”

“What about your students?”

“They’ll get a sub,” Pam shrugged, “there are only a few weeks left in the school year. It’ll be fine.”

“Pam…”

“What else can I do Jim?” Pam asked him, his eyes closed tight. “I’m beginning to think…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Pam said hurriedly, “It’s nothing.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Jim, let’s just drop it.”

“No,” Jim insisted, “we have to work on our communication if this is really going to work Pam. That has always been our weak link.”

“So you want this to work?” Pam asked shyly and Jim groaned, “I’m just not sure with you.”

“God Pam,” Jim said in exasperation, “how can you think that?”

“Because you don’t seem to want me to move here,” she said, “and you already made it clear you won’t go back to Scranton. What else am I supposed to think?”

“That this is difficult,” Jim answered. “That as much as I want this to work, I’m scared shitless about would could happen it if didn’t. What that would do to us, to the kids.”

“You think it won’t?”

“I don’t know. God, I just don’t know. I want to believe that it will, that we are meant to be together forever, but…”

“But you can’t say that.”

“Can you really say that about anyone?”

Pam was silent for a moment and Jim was worried about her reaction. He wasn’t sure why they were still fighting. This is what he had wanted for so long, but there was just something that kept is guard up. Something he had never dealt with before in his relationship with Pam. It was a weird feeling for him to have.

Pam’s voice was quiet when she finally answered. She pulled herself away from Jim and sat on the end of the couch, her head in her hands, auburn hair spilling over to cover her face.

“Yes,” she said slowly, “yes I believe you can say that about the right person. And I would say that about you Jim forever.”

Pam stood and walked away before Jim could react. He heard the door to Lizzie’s bedroom close and he could have swore he heard the lock latch into place, but he stayed where he was. His fear paralyzing him.

Taking a deep breath he pulled himself up off the couch and headed off in the same direction that Pam had disappeared.

--

Pam lay, curled up on her daughter’s bright pink comforter with matching pink fuzzy pillow clutched to her chest. Her eyes stung with unshed tears and she focused on breathing in and out to keep her anger and hurt in check.

This was not how she had expected this whole encounter to go. She knew that jumping back into Jim’s arms and life was not going to be a completely easy task, but she hadn’t for once thought he would fight her this hard. She didn’t understand it.

She thought that this was what he wanted. His family back together, she knew that it was definitely what she wanted. It didn’t make sense to her that he was fighting it, fighting her. Did he really think she still blamed him?

She didn’t. She had convinced herself of that already. Besides, that was unfair. It wasn’t his fault. It was that jerk that was driving the car on the wrong side of the road. But not Jim’s. Pam wasn’t sure what else she could do.

The stillness of the night was almost disturbing. The lights from the street outside danced on the pale pink walls. It felt like ages before she heard the door handle move slightly and Pam cursed under her breath when she realized that he had a key for the locked door. Of course he would, he was never to be unprepared.

Pam stayed as still as possible, facing the wall, focusing on keeping her breaths as even as possible. Maybe if Jim thought she was asleep he wouldn’t bother her. Moments later when she felt the bed sink under his weight she knew she wasn’t fooling him. He laid down next to her, and Pam fought every urge to snuggle into his chest.

His hand found his way to her waist and the heat from his fingers was odd against the coolness of her skin. She felt her resolve weakening.

“Pam,” his voice was hoarse and she could hear the unshed tears in his voice, “I’m so sorry. For everything.”

When she didn’t answer he kept talking.

“I never wanted this to happen. I always saw us as forever, I still do.”

Pam felt the wetness on her cheek and struggle again to move. She was determined to stay still, to have him bare his soul before giving in.

“When we first got together, even before that, I saw myself with you. Our future was a perfect picture in my head, I should have known then that nothing is ever perfect.”

Pam nodded and felt Jim’s hand graze slowly over the exposed line of flesh on her waist. Pam moved just enough to thread her fingers through his in order to convince him to keep going.

“I don’t think I could have ever imagined that we would have gone through what we did, or separated, or anything like that. It shook me more than I think I could admit. And then…and then even talking about it, opening up about it seemed wrong because you weren’t there.

“I was sitting in this dim room, talking to a complete stranger about our relationship, our past and the stories. It felt wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel relieved after my first session. So I kept going back and every time it became easier and easier to talk about. But even that didn’t squash the guilt that was festered deep inside of me.”

Pam pulled his hand to her lips and met his warm skin with her lips. She felt him shudder and pressed her eyes closed.

“This weekend,” Jim started, his voice deep and hoarse, “this weekend those feelings were front and center. It was overwhelming and knowing that we were going through it apart, that just about killed me. I wanted nothing more than to have you in my arms and I knew I couldn’t. I was miserable.”

“Me too,” Pam’s voice squeaked out and Jim buried his face into her hair.

“Having you here,” Jim began again, “is like a dream to me. Something I’m afraid I’m going to wake up from and you’ll be gone, forever this time and I can’t deal with that. I guess that is why I’ve been so…difficult.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Jim’s voice broke, “and that scares me too. I’m a mess.”

“You aren’t the only one.”

“I’d be lost without you,” Jim breathed against her ear, “please don’t leave me.”

Pam finally turned over to face him and brought her lips to his. He returned the kiss with intensity wrapping his long arms around her body.

“Just promise me you won’t leave me again either.”

Jim knelt on the wet grass as he held a bouquet of yellow and pink Gerber daisies and he felt Pam’s hand rest against his back. He took a deep breath in and opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. After another several minutes he heard Pam’s voice take over.

“Hey honey,” her voice was soft and gentle. “Daddy and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. We miss you more than we could ever say…”

“Tehya,” Jim’s voice offered huskily. “Happy birthday sweetheart. I wish you could be here. Your brother and sister miss you too.”

“You would love the new house,” Pam started again. “It’s been a crazy couple of years, but we’re getting better now. Much better. Carter and Lizzie helped plant flowers, daisies, in the front yard.”

“Your favorite. We wanted you to be with us, even though the house is in Philadelphia. We love you very much, Tey.”

“Very, very much. We’ll never forget you.”

“Don’t give the angels too much trouble up there, okay sweetie. No pranks…”

“Awh Jim,” Pam giggled. “You are taking away her fun.”

Jim only smiled as he wrapped his arms around Pam. “Thank you for bringing me here. I needed this.”

“It’s been a hard year, huh?”

Jim nodded, “but more than worth it. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“Ditto,” Pam whispered and pressed her lips against his. “I love you Jim Halpert.”

“And I love you too, Pam. Forever.”