It was December.  His favorite month.  Everything changed in December.  Things were brighter, people were nicer, even he was always a bit happier.  Well at least that’s how it used to be.  This December was different.  This December he walked past the stores and did everything in his power not to be taken in by the twinkling lights and festive decorations.  He offered tight-lipped, empty smiles to passer-bys when he normally would have grinned widely and wished them “Happy Holidays”.  For Jim Halpert everything usually changed in December, but now he was convinced that would never again hold true.  In fact he had actually been dreading the holidays ever since he moved from Scranton almost 6 months ago.  Stamford wasn’t bad, but even 146 long miles away he could sometimes still hear her laugh or see her smile and it made his heart hurt.   Even though they had never been “a couple” he had looked forward to Christmas time with her around.  Exchanging silly cards or stupid gag presents with Pam had always been an unspoken tradition between them and they usually pulled an extra special prank on Dwight as their present to themselves. And as he had told himself every Christmas since he’d met her, Christmas was a time to tell people how you feel. He always felt more courage around this time of year…but had never been able to muster quite enough to just say it. He finally found that courage, on a warm night in May, but she had said no....and it was over.  So here he was, away from Scranton…away from home…away from her, and he had never felt so alone.  He quickly shut off his computer and shouldering his messenger bag headed to the elevator. 

“Heading out Tuna?“ a loud voice said next to him.

“Yeah…I am.” Jim shot a quick glance to the man standing next to him who was pulling an obnoxiously patterned red and white knit cap onto his head.

“Checking out the old hat there are ya?  Red and white….Cornell colors.”

“That’s great Andy.”  Jim mumbled as he stepped into the elevator with Andy following closely behind.

“So Tuna….4 days until Christmas.  When are you heading back to Scranton?”

“Oh….um…not sure yet.” 

“Well if you’re free the 23rd, my old a cappella group and I usually get together.  It’s a blast.  We go caroling around the neighborhood and then usually go back to my place and get totally wasted.  You are more than welcome to join us.”

“Wow…that sounds…awesome.  I’ll have to see what my plans are and I will um…let you know.”

“Right on.  It’d probably be nice for you to get home.  Later.”  Andy pushed open the doors that led to the parking lot and pulling his hat down further over his ears waved goodbye and hurried to his car.

‘Yeah right…home.’ Jim thought pulling his coat tighter around him to shield from the heavily falling snow. 

He opened the door to his car and threw his bag in the back seat.  Stamford wasn’t that bad. It was the same boring job, just in a different office.  For the first couple of weeks he even had a pro/con list going about why Stamford was better than Scranton.  He listed his co-workers, who with the exception of Andy, were fairly harmless and it was actually interesting to see how an office was run by a boss that wasn’t… Michael.  He’d even gone out with a girl from the office a couple of times, Karen, a salesperson who sat behind him.  She was fun and smart and beautiful, but things hadn’t really gone anywhere and he was fine with just sharing a friendly good morning and laughing as she rolled her eyes over Andy’s incessant babbling about Cornell. 

The thing he liked best about Stamford was being close to the ocean.  He had spent many summer evenings running along the shore and for brief moments he could swear that he almost felt whole again.  Then he would stop and sit in the sand for hours until it was too dark to see even the slightest wave.  That’s when he missed her the most; when he was alone in the dark with just his thoughts. 

He tried not to let the emptiness in his heart dictate the way he was living his life, but it was almost as if he couldn’t help it.  At first his brothers and his good friends Ben and Mark took turns calling him and even drove up to hang out with him a few weekends, but eventually they stopped coming.  He still called his mom every Sunday, as he had ever since he left for college, but their conversations had gotten shorter and shorter. The last call had been a few weeks ago and had started with his mother expressing her concerns and ended with an exasperated “I‘m fine mom,” followed by a quiet goodbye and a dial tone.  His brother Tom had called later that night and basically chewed him out for his attitude and absence lately and told him he needed to stop being such a “selfish ass” and get over her already because she obviously wasn’t worth it.  That had, in turn, infuriated Jim and he yelled something about how Tom didn’t know anything and then slammed his phone shut.  Tom had never called back. 

It wasn’t the comments made by his family that bothered Jim; it was the fact that deep down he knew they were right.  This wasn’t him.  He was not this guy.  He was not the guy who spent entire Saturdays slumped on his couch, a beer in one hand and the remote in the other.  He was not the guy that snapped at his mother and hung up on his brother.  In fact it made him feel ridiculous that he was acting like this.  Jim tried to convince himself that Tom was right.  That Pam wasn’t worth all this.  But he knew that wasn’t true.  Deep down in the very bottom of his soul he knew that she absolutely was worth it.  Maybe the problem was that he wasn’t.  She had clearly made her choice and what kind of guy was he that a guy like Roy, who time and time again took Pam was granted, was chosen over him? Then he had gotten the e-mail from Phyllis.  The one that ripped off the scab from his fragile heart and menacingly poured salt into his wound.  She hadn’t married him after all.  At first he thought maybe it was a sign and that he hadn’t been so wrong after all and he spent hours pacing with his phone in hand waiting for her call.  It never came and eventually he stopped waiting.  She had chosen another man over him and then she didn‘t even end up marrying that man.  It was his fault.  He had been so convinced that if she could just know how he felt that she would see how perfect they would be together and would give it a shot. But instead, he had opened his mouth and scared her and confused her out of the future she had chosen for herself.  She would have been much better off if he had just kept his mouth shut and left her alone. 

Jim pulled into his parking spot in front of his apartment and turned the key in his ignition.  He looked out the window at the darkness that was waiting for him and sighed.   He hated that this was what he had become.  He hated how he was treating the people that loved him and most of all he hated that he didn’t know what to do about it.

“Everyone would be better off if I were gone” he thought miserably to himself. 

Michael wouldn’t leave twenty minute long voicemail messages about how Jim abandoned his family, maybe Andy would make more sales, he wouldn’t have to bum all his friends out anytime they tried to hang out with him, his mom wouldn’t be sad, his brothers wouldn’t be ignoring him and Pam would be happily married. He scoffed slightly as the thought crossed his mind that even Dwight would be better off without him because then at least he wouldn’t have had to deal with a “bloody glove” in his desk or seeing Meredith on the can. 

Jim rested his head on the steering wheel and said out loud, “Sometimes I wish I’d never been born.”

A sudden tapping on the window caused Jim to jump and smash his knee into the bottom of the steering wheel. 

“Shit…” he muttered rubbing his hand over the bump forming on his kneecap.  He quickly turned and looked out the window only to make out the silhouette of a man standing there.

“Roll down your window.” the man called through the glass.

Jim tentatively rubbed his arm over the window, wiping away some of the fog that had built up, and carefully looked out and up into the face of the man peering into his car.

“I need some help.” the man called through the glass.
 
Jim quickly turned the car on so that he could roll down the window slightly. 

“Sorry to bother you, but my car won’t start.  Do you think you could give me a hand?” the man called out rubbing his hands together to keep them warm.

“Oh…um…yeah.”  Jim muttered. He pushed open the door and stepped out into the cold.

“My car stalled and I just need some help pushing it down to the coffee shop on the corner.  Do you think you could help me?”

Jim looked around and could make out the faint outline of an old car stopped in the road.  The snow was falling heavier now and Jim shivered slightly.  He’d rather just go inside, drink a beer and fall asleep, but his life was already pretty crappy and he didn’t want to risk the added bad karma by not helping.

“Yeah, it’s no problem.”

“Thanks a lot.  I’m Ed by the way.” the man said sticking out his hand.  He was an older gentleman with thick white hair and a deep voice.

“Nice to meet you Ed.” Jim said shaking it quickly.

“Nice to meet you too, Jim.” Ed said before turning and heading towards the car.

Jim furrowed his brow for a moment. “I didn’t tell him my name did I?” he thought to himself as he trudged through the snow towards the car.  As he drew closer to the car he became even more confused.  There in the middle of the road was the oldest car he’d ever seen. “No wonder it stalled.  It has to be at least fifty years old.” he thought to himself pushing his now dampened hair off his forehead.

“1949 Ford Coup.” Ed’s voice broke through Jim’s thoughts.  “Just got her. Paid a pretty penny…but she‘s a beauty.”

“I think you got ripped off.” Jim thought to himself, but managed to say “Looks nice.”

“I’ll steer and push from the front if you don’t mind pushing from the back.” Ed said wrenching open the drivers side door.  “It doesn’t look too far down the road.”

Jim pulled his gloves from his coat pocket and put them on before bracing himself behind the car.  Even with the thick snow that was falling and the slush that had built up on the road the car easily rolled the quarter mile or so to the parking lot of the coffee shop.  Ed pulled the parking brake on and then slammed the door shut.

“I can’t thank you enough for helping me,” he said to Jim.

“It’s no problem.  Have a good night.”  Jim turned to head back to his apartment.

“Jim…” Ed called out.

“Again with the name?” Jim muttered softly as he turned back around.

“Now let me help you out.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“Well for starters let me buy you a cup of coffee.” Ed said tilting his head towards the coffee shop.

“Oh…thanks…but I should really be getting home.”

“Come on.  You look like you could use it.”

He was right.  Jim was freezing and it wasn’t like he had anything better waiting for him at home, so he shrugged his shoulders and followed Ed inside.  He waited until Ed had slid into one side of a corner booth before shedding his wet coat and sitting down across from him.  A couple moments later a heavyset woman with big blonde hair and a nametag that read Alice came up to their table to with a notepad. 

“What’ll it be tonight boys?” she asked, popping her gum.

“Just coffee for me thanks.” Jim said pulling off his wet gloves and setting them on the seat by his coat.

“A large hot chocolate…with extra whipped cream, please.” Ed said smiling at the waitress as she walked away. He then proceeded to unwrap the long, knitted scarf from around his neck.

“My wife knitted this for me on my last birthday.  I hope it dries out soon.” he said. 
Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be an old book. “I hope Tom Sawyer dries out too.”  He smoothed a hand over the cover and then set it on the table. 

“So, what do you think happened to your car?” Jim asked, trying to make small talk.

“Oh, I don’t think its anything big.  In all reality, it’s probably just more of a way for me to help you.”

“What’s that?” Jim asked not sure that he had heard him correctly.

“Let me ask you something.  What’s a guy like you doing sitting in his car, alone, four days before Christmas?”

Jim paused as Alice set the beverages down on the table.  He took of sip of the steaming coffee and then said, “Well…I just got home from work…”

“It looked to me that you were deep in thought.”

Jim wasn’t sure how to answer that.  Here he was in an empty coffee shop, drinking coffee that was way too strong, talking to an old man that just might be a little off his rocker.

“Just thinking about life I guess. Wondering where it all went wrong.”

“Good thing I came along when I did then, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“Well Jim, the thing is that you would try to help me, and so that‘s how I am now able to help you.”

“Okay, how do you know my name?” Jim asked feeling his shoulders tense a little.

“I know lots of things about you, Jim.  I know you’re sad and I know you're lonely.  I know you miss someone a great deal.” Ed said with a sympathetic smile.

“What are you a mind reader or something?”

“No, no…” Ed chuckled.  “I’m your guardian angel.”

Jim almost dropped the coffee mug from his hand causing some of the hot liquid to spill over onto his hand.  “What the hell is in this coffee?” he muttered pushing the cup away from him.

“Ridiculous idea…” Ed continued. “Thinking that people would just be better off with out you.”

“Now, wait just a minute.  How do you know stuff like that?  This is some sort of elaborate prank isn‘t it?  Did Tom put you up to this?”  Jim asked incredulously.

“No one put me up to it.  I told you.  I’m your guardian angel.” Ed said calmly.

Jim scoffed slightly.  As if things couldn’t get any more depressing for him he was now quite possibly losing his mind.  He shook his head in disbelief and then asked, “Well if you’re an angel…how come you don’t have any wings?”

“I haven’t earned them yet.” Ed said matter-of-factly, as Alice came over to the table and handed him the check.  He pulled a few dollar bills out of his wallet and as he did so, a plain white business card fluttered down onto the table. 

“Of course you haven’t.”  Jim said sarcastically. “Well, I don’t know how I feel about being seen with an angel that doesn’t have any wings.”

“Well, I’ve got to earn them.  And you can help me.“

“Oh really?  And how can I do that?”

“By letting me help you.” Ed said with a warm smile.

“You can’t help me.” Jim said sharply.  “No one can help me.”

“Well we won’t get anywhere with that attitude.” Ed said wrapping his scarf around his neck.  “You don’t know half of the stuff that you’ve done. If it hadn‘t of been for you…”

“Yeah right,” Jim interrupted.  “If it hadn’t of been for me, there would be plenty of people who would be a lot better off.  My family, co-workers…Pam.” He paused for a moment, angry at the aching that just the mention of her name put into his heart. “Look, I can‘t deal with this right now.  Why don‘t you go haunt someone else?” 

“Oh I can’t do that.  I’m with you.”

“I really think that you should just leave me alone.”

“Hmmm….” Ed muttered, more to himself than anyone. “This isn’t going to be easy.” He paused for a moment and then said, “So you really think that people would have been better off without you?”

Jim shook his head and replied, “You know, sometimes I think it might have just been better if I’d never been born at all.” 

"Hmmm…I think that might do the trick.” Ed said standing up and pulling on his coat. “Well you’ve got your wish.”

“What’s that?” Jim asked staring up at him.

Ed just winked at him and turned to walk away.  Jim stood up hurriedly to follow after him.  As he was putting on his coat he caught glimpse of the small white business card Ed had left lying on the table.  It was blank except for three small words.

Ed Truck
A-S-2

Stuffing the business card into his pocket, Jim hurried outside.  The snow had stopped falling and Ed was no where in sight.  Jim sighed and began trudging through the deep snow back towards his apartment.  Stomping the snow from his shoes against the doorstep, Jim reached into his pocket for his keys, only to find nothing, but the white card Ed had left on the table.

“Crap…” he muttered to himself, thoroughly patting his other pockets in search for the missing keys.

“They aren’t there,” a voice behind him said suddenly.

Jim spun around to see Ed leaning casually against the railing. 

“I thought I’d gotten rid of you,” Jim grumbled starting back down the stairs towards his car, hoping the keys had fallen in the snow somewhere nearby.  He stopped short when he got to the place where his car was supposed to be.  There was no car.  There was not even a trace that a car had ever been there.  Just an empty parking spot, the ground thick with snow.

“It’s gone too.” Jim heard Ed’s voice behind him.  He whirled around clenching his fists together.

“Where the hell is my car?”  He fumed.

“You have no car.” Ed said calmly.

“Well, I had a car and it was right here.”  Jim said kicking at the snow, as if it would cause the car to magically reappear.  A sudden light flooded from the open door of a nearby apartment and an older couple stepped out. 

“The Murphy's…” Jim said to Ed, jerking his head slightly in the direction of the door. Jim‘s next door neighbors, who also happened to be his landlords, had been the only non-work people he had met in Stamford.  They had both been extremely kind to him, sometimes bringing him bread or cookies and even inviting him over for dinner once.  “My landlords.  They’ll help me out.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Murphy,” Jim called out, hurrying over to the couple as they carefully walked to their car. 

“Can we help you?” Mr. Murphy said a bit gruffly.

“Yeah, I was wondering if you might be able to unlock my apartment.  I seem to have lost my keys.”

“Who are you?” Mr. Murphy asked, opening the passenger side door for his wife.

“Um…Jim…Jim Halpert.  I live in 12B.” Jim said, with a puzzled look on his face.

“No one named Jim lives in 12B.  I think you're confused.”

“Mr. Murphy, it’s me…Jim.  I live in 12B.  Your wife brought me banana bread last weekend.  I’ve been to your house for dinner.”

“Look son, I don’t know how much you’ve had to drink tonight, but I think it’s best if you call a cab to take you home. Now.”  Mr. Murphy said firmly before climbing into his car and quickly pulling out of the parking lot.

Jim stood there, frozen in place watching the red glow from the tail lights disappear into the darkness. 

“Ok, that was weird…” Jim said aloud.

“You have no keys. You have no car.  You have no apartment.  You’ve never been born, remember?” Ed said

“Right, right…I forgot.” Jim said sarcastically.  “Guess I'll just have to call a cab.”  Jim reached back into his jacket pockets for his cell phone and wallet, but again came up empty handed.

“Dammit!“ he yelled kicking a big pile of snow, sending the white powder flying.  “Well Gabriel, what the hell am I supposed to do now? ”

“First of all…it’s Ed…not Gabriel.  Second of all, it’s getting pretty late, so I can help you get a motel room and we can get started early in the morning,” Ed said pulling a key from his pocket.

“Look, I don‘t even know you. What makes you think I am going anywhere with you?”

“Well, as I see it you have two choices.  You can stand out here and freeze all night or you can sleep in a warm motel room and wait until morning to get this all figured out.”

“Whatever…” Jim said.  “The sooner I can go to sleep, the sooner I'll wake up from whatever the hell this is.”

Fifteen minutes later Jim was lying on the surprisingly comfortable bed in an old, but not too dismal looking motel.  Ed had dropped him off and without even going inside to check in, had produced a key from his coat pocket.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ed called out as Jim climbed out of the car.

“Yeah…right. Tomorrow.” Jim said slamming the door behind him.  He bolted the door to the motel room and secured the chain.  Then, despite feeling just a little bit wimpy, he slid the table in front of the door, just in case.  Hanging up his coat and tie in front of the radiator, he flopped onto the bed. 

He had only meant to shut his eyes for a minute, but when he opened them the sun was pouring through the window.  “That was a really weird dream” he thought as he rubbed his hands over his face.  He sat up and it took him about half a second to realize that he was not in his bedroom.  As he looked around, the memories from the previous night came rushing back.  “No way…that can’t have really happened.  There has to be some other explanation,” Jim thought as he grasped for the clock. 7:15.  “Crap. I’m going to be late.” 

He took a quick shower and then after finding a crumpled twenty dollar bills in his pants pocket, called a cab to take him to the office.

He tapped the button for the elevator and tried to smooth out the wrinkles in his pants, as he waited for the doors to open.  His head jerked up as he felt someone brush against his arm.  Karen was standing next him to him, engrossed in the newspaper she had clutched in her hand.

“Running late, too?” he asked, grateful for a familiar face.

Karen looked over at him with a blank stare and pursing her lips together in a half smile, nodded slightly before turning back to the paper. 

Jim furrowed his brow slightly, but followed Karen into the elevator.  He waited impatiently for the elevator to reach his floor.  When the doors finally slid open, Karen hurried out without so much as a glance in his direction.  Shrugging his shoulders, he stepped out of the elevator and pushed open the glass door to the Dunder Mifflin office.  He headed in the direction of his desk, but stopped short when he saw a middle aged guy sitting in his chair; typing frantically away at his computer.

“Um…excuse me?”  Jim said approaching the desk.

The man glanced up at him with a look that screamed irritation.  “What?”

“Uh…I think you’re…in my seat,” Jim said looking around.  Karen was sitting at the desk behind his, checking messages on her phone.  The desk in front of his was empty but he could clearly see Andy’s red and white knitted cap resting on the keyboard.
 
“ You don’t think I know where my desk is?” the man said irritably.

“No…I just…” Jim faltered when he noticed the name plate sitting on the corner of the desk.  The words: Sam Murphy, Assistant Regional Manager glared back at him from the shiny gold surface.  His familiar picture frames were now replaced by a large green potted plant and a small framed picture of a woman and two kids eating cotton candy.

Jim took a step back, unable to process what was happening.  The man shot him another look before turning back to his computer.  Jim turned around quickly, nearly knocking over Andy who was standing behind him with a cup of coffee.

“Whoa there…” Andy said steadying the cup, as some of the steaming liquid sloshed over the rim.

“Sorry Andy…I guess they moved my desk.”

“Uh….and you are?”

“Come on Andy…knock it off,” Jim said, his voice rising.

“Whoa, take a chill pill…no need to get all intense, bro.”

“What the hell is going on?” Jim was practically shouting now.  He glanced around frantically.  Karen had put down her phone and was looking at him with a peculiar expression on her face.  Andy had taken a few steps back, still clutching his coffee cup and a few people had gathered in the break room and were staring at him.

“What’s going on out here?” Josh, the regional manager, asked appearing in the doorway of his office.

“No need to worry boss.  Andy Bernard has the situation under control,” Andy said setting his cup down and attempting to crack his knuckles.

“I need to get out of here,” Jim muttered as he turned and hurried back towards the door.

“Yeah…that’ll show you how it’s done…” he heard Andy call as the door slammed closed behind him.  He pushed open the door that led to the stairwell and raced down four flights of stairs until he burst outside, gulping in huge breathfuls of air.  He quickly loosened the knot on his tie and bent forward resting his elbows on his knees, hoping to clear his head.

“They didn’t know you, did they?”  A voice said causing Jim to jerk upright.  Ed was standing a few feet away, leaning against a tree.

“Ok man…” Jim said storming towards him.  “Joke's over.  This is not funny anymore.  What the HELL is going on?”

“I’ve already told you,” Ed said evenly, even though Jim was towering over him.  “Jim Halpert no longer exists.  They don’t know who you are, because you don’t work here. You've never worked here.”

“You’re lying.  That’s not possible,” Jim growled clenching and unclenching his fists together rapidly.

“It’s true.  You told me that the world would be better off without you and that you wished you’d never been born.”

“No…no…this is not happening.” Jim said shaking his head.  “This is a dream…or something weirder…but it’s not true.”  He began pacing back and forth in front of Ed. “I need to get home…I need to get back to Scranton.”

“Come on then…” Ed said gesturing towards his car that seemed to appear out of nowhere.  “Let’s go to Scranton.”

The car ride to Scranton was surprisingly quick, despite the fact that Jim spent the majority of the time shifting restlessly in his seat.  He couldn’t bring himself to believe what Ed was saying.  He’d never been born?  That wasn’t possible.  But as hard as Jim tried not to believe it, the truth of the matter was that something strange was going on.  Maybe everyone in the Stamford office had gotten together to prank him.  They did consider him to be a suck-up his first few months there and he had gotten a really bad reaction when he had tried to prank Andy with the “office supply in jell-o” bit.  He needed to be somewhere familiar; with his family or even someone from the Scranton office to prove that this was just an elaborate prank.  Then, they could all have a good laugh and it would be over.

“So…” Ed’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“What?” Jim asked, a little more forcefully than he had intended.

“Well, I'm just wondering what else there is to this story of yours.  I mean you say you wish you’d never been born, but there has to be more to it.  Did you hurt someone? Lose a bet? Is the mob after you? Because then that kind of changes where we can go with all of this.”

Jim let out a little laugh. “The mob is not after me.  But come on. You’re the angel.  Shouldn’t you already know or something?”

“Oh, I do already know, but that doesn’t matter.  I need you to tell me.”

“If I tell you, will this nightmare end?”

Ed calmly shrugged his shoulders. “That’s up to you.”

Jim sighed, “What does that even mean? It’s up to me?”

Ed didn’t respond.  He simply shrugged his shoulders and then pointing out the window said,  “Welcome to Scranton.”

They didn’t speak again until Ed pulled into the parking lot of Gerrity’s grocery store.

“I’m hungry.” he said, unfastening his seatbelt. “You?”

“No…I’m fine.” Jim said.  “What are we doing here anyways?  I don’t think the grocery store clerk not recognizing me is going to add much validity to the whole “I’ve never been born” story.”

“No it won’t.  But that’s not why we're here.  We're here because I'm hungry,” and with that Ed climbed out of the car, shutting the door behind him.

‘This is ridiculous,’ Jim thought as he watched Ed disappear inside the store. ‘I can’t believe I'm contributing to this madness.’

No more than five minutes later, Ed reappeared with a sack full of food.  He handed the bag to Jim and then settled back into the driver's seat.

“So…” he said, pulling a bag of pretzels from the grocery sack. “You ready to talk?”

Jim rolled his eyes, but since he had come to the realization that he probably had no other choice, he took a deep breath and began.  He told Ed about Pam and how from their first introduction he had known that she was someone special.  He talked about the minute he knew he was in love with her.  He recounted all the laughs, the jokes, the little moments that made him feel, if only briefly, that loving her wasn’t completely hopeless. Jim paused momentarily, baffled by the fact that he was sharing his deepest feelings with a stranger, but he didn’t stop. 

In a strange way, it was like he was talking to himself. Finally really letting himself remember what he had been trying so hard to forget. He talked about that night and how he hadn’t been planning on revealing his feelings, but once he saw her standing there, so beautiful and so…Pam, it finally all came spilling out.  As he talked, he remembered the throbbing pain when she had whispered, “I can’t,” and at that moment he had known what it felt like for a heart to truly break.  He talked about packing up his stuff to take to Stamford and how he had found a small, crumpled white paper dove in his desk drawer.  He had clutched the dove tightly in his hand before sinking down to the floor in tears.  He recalled the tiny spark of hope he had felt rekindling when he found out she had called off the wedding.  And he could still picture vividly in his mind the hole he had put in the wall, after throwing the phone at it, when three weeks had gone by with no call.
He talked about feeling guilty.  She had been getting married, finally getting what she wanted and he had to go and ruin it for her.  He talked about the guilt turning to confusion.  Confusion over how he could have possibly misread so many signals, tiny as they were.  Confusion over her choice of words.  She had said “I can’t," not “I won’t” or “I don‘t feel the same way” or even “I love Roy, not you.”  Just simply, “I can’t”.  He was confused over the look he could have sworn he had seen in her eyes that was begging him to hold her in his arms and make it all okay.

Then quicker than he could think, the guilt had turned into anger and that is where he had found himself stuck for so many weeks.  He was mad at her.  She had to have led him on.  Then he was mad for letting himself believe that there could have been something there.  Eventually, it was just easier to turn that anger towards others than toward himself.  He told Ed about hanging up on Michael during his fifth hysterical phone call in an attempt to understand why Jim had left.  He told about snapping at his mom and then dodging her phone calls, when all she was really trying to do was be supportive.  He told about yelling at his brother when he said to forget about her. He was angry with the choices he had made and the way that he had treated people.  He said he didn’t like what he had become, but he didn’t know how to fix it.  He didn’t know how to replace the emptiness that was inside him.  He didn’t know how to move on with his life.  He didn’t know how to forget her.

Jim took a deep breath, overwhelmed by all the emotions and memories he had just bombarded himself with.

“So, that’s why you wanted this?” Ed’s voice broke through the silence.

“What?”

“You think that if you had never told Pam how you felt, that she would have married Roy and lived happily ever after. And then in turn you would have been a better man, gotten over her and not taken out your anger and sadness on everyone else.  Is that right?”

Jim furrowed his brow at the tone of Ed’s question, but then nodded slowly.  “Yeah.  I guess that’s right.”

“Alright then.”  Ed said turning back in his seat and fastening his seatbelt.

“That’s all you have to say?” Jim asked.

“There’s nothing I can say. You have to see it,” Ed said simply before starting the car and then slowly pulling out of the parking lot. “Where are we going?” Jim asked looking out the window as the familiar scenery of Scranton passed by.

Ed said nothing, just made a quick right turn, followed by another.  Jim sat up straighter in his seat, when he realized where they were headed.

“The office?  You made me spill my guts about all that Pam stuff and we’re going to the office?”

“This isn’t just about Pam,” Ed said turning onto a street that Jim knew all too well.

Ed pulled into the parking lot of the Scranton Business Park and Jim chuckled when he parked next to Dwight’s all to familiar Camaro.

“Let’s go,” Ed said opening the door and stepping out of the car.

Jim sighed and then opened his door and climbed out.  He glanced around the parking lot.  There was Meredith’s van and a Vance Refrigeration Truck.  He also spotted Roy’s pickup parked down the small alley that was to the side of the building.  He heart began to pound as he realized that he was probably going to be seeing Pam in just a few minutes.  He followed Ed into the lobby and onto the elevator.  Before he knew it they were standing outside the door to the Dunder Mifflin office.

“Ready?” Ed paused with one hand on the door.

Jim took a deep breath, suddenly feeling extremely nervous.  He shrugged indifferently and then took a step into the office.  His glance immediately went to the reception desk and his heart sunk a bit when he saw that it was empty.  It looked the same, but there was something missing that Jim couldn’t quite put his finger on.  He moved a bit farther into the office coming to a stop directly in front of the reception desk.  He placed a hand lightly on the smooth surface, remembering the countless times he had stood here, listening to Pam laugh or relishing her smile.

“Can I help you?” a loud voice called across the office.

Jim turned quickly and a smile broke over his face when he saw Dwight stand up behind his desk.  He glanced around, not at all surprised to find that the rest of the office looked the same.  Everyone was there.  Phyllis was knitting at her desk, Stanley was on the phone looking like a bored hound dog.  Oscar was playing Solitaire and Kevin was counting M & M’s from his jar, while Angela looked on with a disapproving glare.  Meredith was slurping heavily on the straw from her Big Gulp and Creed was smelling something in his desk drawer.

“I said can I help you?” Dwight said louder, moving from behind his desk.

“Hey, Dwight,” Jim said with a smile.

“Who are you stranger and how do you know my name?” Dwight demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jim cast a glance at Ed who was standing next to him.  “Um…we’re here to see Michael Scott,” Ed said.

“Hmmph…” Dwight exhaled loudly.  “Any idiot would know that Michael Scott has not been the branch manager here for several years.”

“He’s not?” Jim asked genuinely surprised.  He knew a lot about Michael Scott and most of was stuff that he wholeheartedly wished he didn’t know.  However, one thing he did know was that Michael loved working for Dunder Mifflin. “Where did he go?” he asked.

“Before I can share any of that information with you, you need to tell me who you are and what your business is here.”

Jim glanced around again to see Angela headed in their direction with some papers in her hand.  She walked straight into what apparently had been Michael's office, without so much as even a glance in his direction.  Jim moved slightly, so that he could see inside the office.  There were no toys on the desk and no World’s Best Boss mug proudly displayed in the center for all to see.  Jim stepped back quickly as Angela brushed past him.

“Hi, Angela,” he called out, not even thinking.

Angela stopped and swung around, her lips pursed in the typical Angela “look of disapproval”.

“You need a hair cut,” she said icily before glaring at Dwight and then briskly walked back to her desk.  Jim did not miss the look of distaste on Dwight's face as well as she left.

“Look…” Dwight was saying to Ed. “I am Assistant Regional Manager of this office and it is my duty…”

“To the.” Jim muttered under his breath, scanning around once more for any sign of Pam.

“Excuse me?” Dwight asked defensively.

“I am sorry for our interruption Mr..?” Ed said calmly

“Schrute.  You may refer to me as Mr. Schrute.”

“Okay…Mr. Schrute.  We are old friends of Michael Scott’s and we just stopped in to say hello.”

“What happened to Michael?” Jim asked abruptly.

“He got fired.  One too many malfeasances on his permanent record at corporate.  Though if you ask me, it should have happened sooner.”

“What?” Jim asked. “I thought Michael was like your mentor or something.”

“Ha!” Dwight scoffed.  “Michael Scott…my mentor?  He was always having these ridiculous meetings and making stupid, inappropriate jokes.  Michael Scott never has been, nor ever will be any sort of a mentor to anyone.”

“Wow Dwight.  That’s a bit harsh.  If Michael is gone how come you‘re not the Regional Manager?”

Jim covered his face with his hand when he saw Dwight visibly stiffen.

“Okay.  That’s enough.  I am going to have to ask you to leave before I am forced to call security or go for a far more drastic measure such as…”

Dwight’s voice faded out as something caught Jim’s eye across the room.  The door from the kitchen had opened and there she was.  Her head was down, her small, delicate hands cradling a coffee mug.  Her hair was pulled back in its normal barrette and he noticed that her gray cardigan hung loosely on her thin frame.  Jim’s breath caught in his throat as she headed towards them.

Jim stood frozen in place. Unable to move or think or breathe as Pam headed towards them.  He tried to speak as she walked past, but only managed to stick his hand out to lightly brush across her elbow.  Her head shot up and she looked at him with an expression that dropped his heart into his stomach.  There was nothing there.  No recollection. No familiarity at all.  The entire time that Ed had been explaining to him that he had never been born, he had still been holding onto the thought that this was some kind of sick joke and that if he could see Pam surely she would give it away.  Before, when they had played a prank she was really good at keeping a straight face, but Jim always saw something that gave it away.  There would be a small smile or a revealing spark in her eyes.  But now, as he looked down at her beautiful face, there was nothing.  No light, no smile…nothing.  Her eyes left his almost immediately and quickly glancing at Ed and Dwight muttered, “Excuse me.” before moving behind her desk and sitting down in her chair.

“You need to leave.” Dwight’s forceful voice broke Jim out of his daze, but he couldn’t take his eyes from the girl with the curly hair that was sitting meekly behind the reception desk. 

Something had changed about her.  Her hair was the same, reddish-brown curls pulled back with a barrette.  The outfit was the same; sensible skirt and blouse covered with a cardigan.  He even recognized the white Snoopy mug that she had placed gingerly on her desk.  She glanced up at him again, quickly, eyes not quite meeting his.  Her brow furrowed ever so slightly before she looked back to her computer.  It was in that fleeting moment that he saw it.  She looked…empty .  He had seen many looks from her over years.  Bored, annoyed, amused, happy, sad, disappointed. It was her eyes that gave her away.  The way that when she put on the tight-lipped smile for Roy when he asked if he could skip their date to go out with guys, he could still see the hurt and sadness in her eyes.  When Michael was being Michael and he could tell she was annoyed there was still also sympathy in her eyes.  When they were pranking Dwight and she was trying to hard to be expressionless, her eyes always gave her away.  And when he had told her that he loved her, in the middle of a dark parking lot and she had said “I can’t”, her eyes had plainly said, “But I want to.”

Now, there was nothing.  The sight of it was too much for him to take.  He cast one more glance in her direction and then quickly turned and walked out of the office.

“Authoritativeness . Just another perk of being a volunteer sheriff…” he heard Dwight shout as the door slammed shut behind him.  He slouched against the wall in the elevator, hands jammed into his pockets.  His heart was pounding and his mind was racing.  The reality of the situation was finally starting to sink in.  He was leaning up against the car when Ed tentatively approached him.

“You okay?” he asked folding his arms and moving to stand next to Jim.

“What happened to them?” Jim finally managed to get out, vaguely aware of the shaking in his voice.

“To who?” Ed asked.

“Them…” Jim said, gesturing towards the building.  “What happened to them?  Dwight…Michael.  Where’s Michael? He‘d never leave Dunder Mifflin…even in they did try to fire him.”  He wanted to ask about Pam, but the memory of her blank expression was still too much for him to process.

“Come on…” Ed said opening the car door. “I’ll explain on the way.”

“On the way to where?” Jim asked, staying rooted in place.

“Just come on.” Ed urged, climbing into the driver's seat.

Jim didn’t know how much  more of this he could take, but he did as Ed asked and climbed into the car.

“Dwight is still pretty much the same, wouldn’t you think?” Ed asked as he drove.

“Uh…yeah I guess.” Jim said.  “I mean he still has a tendency to over exaggerate his authority.  But, if Michael’s gone, why isn’t Dwight the regional manager?  I mean that was his main goal in life.”

“Well, that’s a main thing that changed without you there. Believe it or not, you gave Dwight some real competition in sales.  In some weird way you motivated him to be better.  I mean sure, it was more of a way for him to try to prove that you were a slacker, but still…it motivated him to be better.”

“But he’s still the same Dwight.  It didn’t seem like that much had changed…except for him hating Michael.  What was that about?”

“He is still the same Dwight in a lot of aspects.  He’s abrasive and weird and power hungry.  Without you there, he still has all his same tendencies. What changed is how he's used them.  For example…your pranks and jokes drove him crazy, but deep down it also changed him a bit.  I mean Dwight lives an…interesting life, to put it mildly, but you helped him to see that there could be humor in things.  Did you know that he went home and put his cousin Mose’s favorite wood carving in jell-o after you did the same thing to his stapler?  He told Mose stories about you.  Your alliance…his silver medal from the Office Olympics.  He might not know how to show it…but he liked you and believe it or not you changed a lot about his life.”

Jim was silent.  He couldn’t believe that to one of the most difficult people in the world, he might of mattered.  He looked out the window, confused at their current location.

“Why are we at the Wal-mart in Dickson City?”

“Let’s go…” Ed said.

Jim sighed, but followed Ed inside.  He trailed behind Ed looking around, wondering what possible connection to ‘life with Jim’ would be in Wal-mart. 

“Ow…” a voice shouted out causing Jim to stop abruptly.

“Oh…hey…I am sorry.  I wasn’t…” Jim’s voice cut off when he saw whose foot he had just stepped on.  “Michael?”

“How did you know my…” Michael started and then his face lit up like a light bulb.  “Ah…indeedy.  The name tag.”

Jim’s tore his eyes away from the familiar face and followed Michael's gaze to the white, plastic name tag that read, ‘Michael. How can I help you today?' and was accompanied by a bright green smiley face sticker.

“Do you work here?” Jim asked, taking a small step back.

“Yeppers.” Michael said.  “There are many perks.  Lots of people, tons of hot chicks…mostly looking for successful employees to date, it’s close to my mom’s house and I’m just a stoners throw away from all the sausage, egg and cheese biscuits I could want.”  ‘A stoners throw?’ Jim thought before realizing what he had meant. ‘Typical Michael.’ he smiled and then turned to see that Michael was pointing at the in-store McDonalds.  “Well…as long as I want them from 6 to 10:30 AM.” Michael laughed and said, “So, can I help you find something?”

“Um…no…I just…Wait…do you live at your mom’s?”

“Well I had to move in there after I got fired from my other job.”

“What about your condo?”

“Were you one of the people that bid for it on EBay?”

“No…“ Jim chuckled.  “Hey, I’m sorry about your job.”

“Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.  Best job I ever had.  Stupid downsizing.”

“Michael…” a voice called out.

Michael turned around hurriedly.  “Yes?”

“I need you to go cover register four.”

“Right away, boss.” Michael said cheerily.  “Your wish is my command.”

The man gave Michael a weird look and then walked away.

“Well, duty calls.  It’s time to go be professional.  Nice to meet you…?”

“Jim…” Jim said sticking out his hand. 

“Jim.” Michael said, shaking his hand. “Well catch ya later Jim-bag.” And with that Michael turned and walked away.

“He’s something else, isn’t he?” Ed said, appearing next to Jim.

“Yeah,” Jim said in astonishment.  “Hey, did they really downsize another branch?”

“No…that’s just what Michael thought when they let him go.”

“What happened there exactly?”

“Well…you know Michael was always doing something…abnormal.” Ed said.

“Yeah…that’s an understatement.” Jim laughed softly.

“Well, believe it or not you were always kind of like…a buffer, if you will, when it came to Michael.  I mean everyone, including you, has been extremely irritated by his behavior, at one point or another…but you always seemed to be able to calm him down slightly…or at least divert his attention.  People kept calling to complain about his antics and I guess enough was enough.”

“Wow…I didn’t even…I had no idea.” Jim whispered.  “When was he fired?”

“Right after his birthday excursion to the skating rink.  Jan said he wasn’t responsible enough to be left in charge, if that was how he chose to use company time.  It was really just the straw that broke the camel's back.”

Jim nodded, but he wasn’t really listening.  The words ‘skating rink’ had triggered his memory yet again.  A small, glove-covered hand clasped tightly in his.  The sound of laughter ringing in his ears.

“Pam…” he said softly.

“What?” Ed asked.

“What happened to Pam?  She looked…different.”

“Let’s go.  We still have one more stop first.” Ed said, ignoring Jim’s question all together.

“But…”

“All in due time Jim.  All in due time.” Ed said calmly.

Before Jim could really comprehend what was happening, they were back in the car heading towards Scranton.  Neither Jim nor Ed spoke until Ed parked the car by a spot that Jim knew all to well.

“What are we doing here?” he asked looking out the window.

“You know this place right?”

“Of course…” Jim said pushing open the door and stepping out of the car. 

He looked out over the snow covered football field of Dunmore High School.  He had many, many memories of this field.  The track that encircled it, was almost like a second home to him.  He had run many, many laps around that track  Some were for fun, some for competition, some to impress girls and even more were run, to forget one. 

 The field was also home to the annual Halpert Family Pre-Christmas Snow Football game, a tradition started by his dad and Uncle Brian that was a part of Jim’s Christmas memories as far back as he could remember.  There were pictures of him in family photo albums wrapped in blankets sitting on his mother's lap and others of him bundled up chasing his older brothers around the field.  Sometimes friends joined in and a couple of times, girlfriends came to cheer them on, but most of the time it was just his family and it was always one of his favorite times of the year. 
   He could see his brother Tom fall to the ground in an attempt to wrestle the ball away from his cousin Matt.  His mom and aunts were sitting on the sidelines, wrapped from head to toe in blankets cheering loudly.  The image that played out in front of him, made Jim’s eyes begin to sting.  He quickly wiped at them as he pulled his coat tighter.

“They seem fine.” he said, completely aware of the bitterness in his voice.  “Good to see my absence didn’t change any of them.”

“It did though, Jim.  I mean granted no one died because you weren’t there to save them or anything drastic like that, but you have a special affect on people.  It makes them want to be better.  For example…your brother Tom.  Tell me about him?”

“He’s a lawyer. Lives in New Jersey with his wife Marci and little girl Vanessa.”

“Close.” Ed said.  “He is a lawyer…but in New York…and he is single.  There is no Marci and there is no Vanessa.”

“What? Why?” Jim asked, confused.

“Do you remember how Tom met Marci?”

“Yeah…it was the summer I was ten.  Pete, Tom and I were at Camp Lohikan.  Pete and Tom recruited me to help them prank this girl's cabin.  I was so excited because they never let me in on their pranks with them.  I was running and tripped over a rock.  Tom came to help me up and Marci… 

“Marci was walking by and stopped to help because you were crying.”

“Yeah…thanks for letting me relive that.” Jim said with a smile.

Ed grinned and continued, “Tom never met Marci…they never kept in touch…they never fell in love and got married.”

“Wow.  All that because I couldn’t keep control of my big feet?”

“Surprising, huh?”

“Yeah…I guess.” he glanced out at the field once more. “Wait…I don’t see…where’s Pete?”

“He hasn‘t been to a family get-together in years,” Ed said matter-of-factly

“What?” Jim asked, surprised.

“Remember the huge fight that he and your dad had when he wanted to change majors?”

“Yeah?  What about it?  They made up.”

“Only because you asked him too.”

“Come on…” Jim said skeptically.  “There’s no way that anything I said changed that.”

“It did though.  You told him that your dad just wanted what was best for him and that they should try and talk it out.  You were always the family mediator.  Don’t you see Jim?  Just by being you…you made a difference.  You didn’t have to do anything big to have an effect.”

Jim stood there for a few minutes, watching his family as a wave of guilt washed over him.  All they had wanted to do was help him.  They loved him and they wanted to help and he had pushed them away.  He missed them.  All he wanted to do at that moment was get a big hug from his mom and be teased mercilessly by his brothers.  Anything to have life make sense to him again.

“You ready?” Ed asked softly, rubbing his hands together.  It was turning dark and a cold wind was blowing snow up from the ground.

“Yeah…” Jim said, glancing back once more at his family. 

“You hungry?” Ed asked as he started the car.

Jim just shrugged, not really feeling hungry or cold. In fact he didn’t really feel anything. 

“Of course…” Jim muttered under his breath, as Ed pulled into the parking lot of yet another familiar location.  A bright, red sign that read Cugino’s, stared back at him outside the window of the car. 

“You think you’re really funny don’t you?” He grumbled to Ed as he slammed the car door behind him.

“Maybe just a little.” Ed smiled, clapping Jim on the back.

“Just when I thought I was getting to like you a bit…” Jim said, as he followed Ed inside.

They were seated immediately and Jim recognized the small table as being right next to the booth that he and Pam had shared.  Jim gazed at his menu, but the words blurred in front of him. 

“What can I get you to drink?” the waiter asked, pulling out his pad.

“Lemonade for me…and for you Jim? Jim?” Ed said.

But Jim wasn’t paying attention. Instead his eyes were glued to the front door.  There stood Roy Anderson and another guy that Jim could identify as his equally obnoxious brother Kenny and standing next to Roy, looking almost crushed under the weight of his arm thrown across her shoulder, was Pam.

Jim couldn’t believe that there, less than three feet away from him was Pam.  She was wearing the same outfit he had seen her in at the office earlier and much to his dismay, she still wore the same empty expression on her face.

“Go ahead to the table, Pammy.” Jim heard Roy say and his temper flared slightly at the use of the nickname he knew Pam hated. “Kenny and I are going to check out the score real quick.”

“Okay.” Pam said, following the hostess to a nearby booth. 

Jim couldn’t help but watch as she sat down in the booth and smiled up at the waitress when she placed a glass of water in front of her.  He watched intently as she absently ran a finger lightly across the rim of the glass, her eyes sweeping across the restaurant.  She must have felt his eyes on her because she looked at him and as soon as she met his gaze she quickly looked away.  It couldn’t be real.  She had to know him.  The connection between them was too strong.  Surely, if he could just get her to look at him for longer than a second she would see it.  She had to.  Before he could stop himself, he was on his feet heading towards her table.

“Jim…wait.” he heard Ed call out.

“Hi.” he said softly, so as not to startle her.

She looked up at him in confusion and then smiled faintly, but said nothing.

“Pam…” he said, trying hard to control the pleading in his voice.  She kept her eyes glued firmly to the table and he knew that she was hoping he’d just go away.  He was beginning to feel desperate.  This was Pam, his best friend, the love of his life.  Surely, she had to know something.

“Pam…please. It’s me Jim.”

“Please go away.” she said quietly.  She shook her head and quickly stood up.  It made his heart ache to see her trying to get away from him, but he needed her.  He needed her to tell him that this was just a dream.  He reached out and grasped her arm as she brushed past him.

“Please Pam. Just look at me. Please. It‘s me, Jim.”

“I don’t know you.” Pam said, trying to pull her arm from his grasp. “Please let me go.”

“Please, Pam. Don’t do this to me. Please. I need your help.”

“What the hell?!” an angry voice shouted from across the room.  Jim looked up to see Roy lumbering towards him.  Before he could even react, Roy grabbed him by the front of his shirt and wretched him away from Pam.

“You trying to cop a feel?  Huh? Who the hell are you?”

“Roy, don’t.” Pam said, grabbing on to his arm.

“Get off!” Roy yelled, jerking his arm loose.  “Some asshole thinks he can make a pass at you and I am supposed to just let it go.”

“I just wanted to talk to Pam. Just for a --.” Jim felt Roy’s fist connect with his mouth.  He turned away, pressing his hand to his face, already feeling the blood against his fingers.

“Don’t ever come near her again, asshole.” Roy shouted at him. 

Jim stood up in time to see Roy grab Pam by her arm and pull her towards the bar.  Pam quickly shot a look back at Jim before Roy pulled her out of view.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  Something inside him had snapped.  He turned around, vaguely aware of the other diners that were now staring solely at him and all but sprinted to the door.  He burst out into the cold air, his chest throbbing and tears burning in his eyes.  He had never felt so lost, so confused, so alone.

“Strange isn’t it?” Ed said, appearing behind him. “Each man’s life touches so many other lives and when he isn’t around it leaves an awful hole.”

“What happened…what happened to Pam?” Jim said frantically, trying to catch his breath.

“She married Roy, just like she had always planned.” Ed said calmly and the sound of those words made the tears in Jim’s eyes spill over. Ed continued, “Not on June 10th though.  He convinced her to push the date back again, sometime the following fall I think.  She’s still at Dunder Mifflin…but you already knew that.”

“What about art…” Jim choked out.  “Does she still paint? Draw? Sketch?”

“Nope.  She gave it up.  There was no point to it if it didn’t make any money.  At least that’s what Roy said.  She tried to continue doing it…mostly when he wasn’t home, but it just led to a lot of fighting.  One day while Roy was at the lake she boxed it all up.  The brushes and the paints and the sketchbooks.  Cried the entire time too.  Roy never noticed…or mentioned it if he did.”

Jim leaned up against the hood of Ed’s car, feelings as if his legs were going to give out any moment.

“Her life with Roy isn’t terrible you know.  They have had some happy moments.  He does take care of her, but that‘s not what she needed.  She needed someone to love her, for all of her.  She needed someone to believe in her, to support her.  You were that person.  You did that.  Not just for her as an artist, but for her as…Pam.  You were her best friend and you knew her…really knew her.  You helped her to realize that she wanted to be more...” Ed said moving to stand in front of him.

“She can be more .” Jim interjected, anxiously running a hand through his hair. “She deserves more.”

“And you would do more for her?” Ed implored.

Jim didn‘t think it was possible, but the thought of Pam becoming anything less than the beautiful, funny, warm, caring woman knew broke his heart even more. “I would do anything for her.” he said quietly.

“So what if you had another chance? What would you do? Would you try again?”

Jim took a deep breath.  He thought about all the times he had been somewhere and seen something that made him want to call Pam just to tell her about it because he knew she would find it funny.  He thought about every moment that he wanted to hold her hand, just because.  He thought about the all the places he wanted to take her and the things he wanted them to see…together.  He thought about Sunday morning breakfasts in bed and the spare room that he would turn into an art studio as a surprise for her birthday.  He thought about how he would kiss her whenever he wanted…just because he could.  He wanted to show her just how special she was.  He wanted to give her his heart.

“Absolutely I would.”

And at that moment the snow started to fall.


**tap** tap**

Jim jumped at the sudden, sharp tapping sound.  He looked around, confused by his surroundings.  He was sitting in the driver's seat of a car.  He didn’t remember getting into a car.  The last thing he remembered was standing in the parking lot of Cugino’s with Ed.  Had Roy come back and knocked him out?  Had he fallen and hit his head?  Upon closer inspection, he realized that he was in his car; his familiar messenger bag resting on the front seat.

“Jim?” he heard a voice call out.

He quickly looked out the window and stared in disbelief into the face of his brother.

“Jim…” his brother called again, tapping sharply on the window.

Jim snapped back into focus and quickly opened the door.

“Dude…what the hell are you doing sleeping in your car?  It’s like five degrees out here.”

“Tom, it’s so good to see you!” Jim exclaimed as threw his arms around his brother.

“Uh…good to see you too.” Tom said prying himself away.  “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you delirious?”

“Where’s Marci? How’s Vanessa?” Jim couldn’t contain the excitement in his voice.

“They’re fine.  They're at mom and dad's.  Come on…let’s go inside and get your stuff. It’s freezing out here.”

“Inside?  Inside…my apartment?”

“Yes, your apartment you idiot.  Where do you think I meant?  Unless you want to go back to sitting in your car.”

Jim’s hands flew to his pocket where he found his keys and wallet.  “My keys!” he practically shouted pulling them from his pocket and holding them up like he had just found the best treasure in all the world.

“Okay…let’s go.” Tom said grabbing onto his arm.  “I think you're just a little wasted.”

“No…no I’m not wasted.” Jim said.  “I am just…I am happy to see you.”

“Well, it’s about damn time.” Tom said, with a grin. “I didn’t think you were speaking to me.”

“Yeah…look…I’m sorry--” Jim started to say, but Tom stopped him with a wave of his hand.

“It’s okay.  That’s what brothers do.  Let you know when you’re being stupid, and then drive two hours in a freaking blizzard to take you home for Christmas.”

Tom pulled the keys from Jim’s hand and hurried over to his doorstep.  “What were you doing sleeping your car anyway?”

“I, uh…” Jim stopped and looked back towards the parking lot, fully expecting to see Ed, but he was nowhere in sight. “I don’t know.  Long day I guess.”

Tom slid the key into the front door and pushed it open.  Jim was about to follow when he heard another door open.  He turned quickly to see his neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Martin step outside.

“Good evening Jim!” Mrs. Martin called cheerily.

“Hello!” Jim said, crossing the few steps  over to their doorstep.

“Evening, Jim.” Mr. Martin said. “Heading out of town for the holidays?”

“Yes sir.  I’m going back to Scranton.” he paused and smiled softly. “I’m going home.”

“Good, good. Well hope you have a wonderful time.” Mr. Martin stuck out a gloved hand in Jim’s direction.

“Thank you.” Jim said grasping it. “Merry Christmas to you both.”

“Hurry and grab some clothes.” Tom said, collapsing on Jim‘s couch with the remote in one hand as Jim walked into the apartment.  “I want to get back on the road before the snow gets too bad.”

“I‘ll be right back.” Jim said, walking into his bedroom.  As he packed he contemplated what had happened to him that night.  ‘It couldn’t have been a dream’ he thought, zipping the suitcase closed.  It had been so real. But now Tom was here, Ed was gone and everything was back to the way it should be.  Well almost everything.
--
The trip to Scranton was quick, despite the weather.  Jim and Tom talked most of the drive, something they didn’t do very often.  Jim explained more of the situation with Pam and to his surprise Tom just listened.  No judgments, no opinions, just a listening and surprisingly empathetic ear. A couple of times, Jim started to tell him about Ed and all that had happened, but he decided against it.  Maybe that was something just better left for himself. 

The first thing he did when he walked into his parents house was hug his mom.  He told her he was sorry for the past few months and that he loved her.  She smiled, hugged him again and then proceeded to make him two grilled cheese sandwiches and a huge bowl of soup.

“I’m guessing they don’t have grocery stores in Connecticut,” she said, setting a glass of milk in front of him. “You are way too skinny.”

Jim just smiled and took a huge bite out of his sandwich. 

He woke early the next morning, not remembering the last time that he had slept that well.  He showered quickly, pulled on some jeans, a t-shirt and a black hoodie and then headed downstairs to the kitchen.

“Morning.” he said, giving his mom a quick kiss on the cheek before heading towards the steaming pot of coffee waiting on the counter.

“You’re up early.” she said looking up from the morning paper.

“Yeah…I uh…I actually have something I need to do today.” Jim sat down the kitchen table across from his mom.  “Do you think it would be okay if I borrowed the car?  I probably won’t be back for a few hours.”

His mom studied his face carefully for a few moments and then nodded with a knowing smile on her face, “Drive safe.”

--

Jim glanced once more at the white scrap of paper that was clutched in his hand against the steering wheel.  He slowed the car to a stop in front of a white, two story house that looked like it was out of a picture book.  The snow from last night lay clean and bright across the front lawn like a blanket.  He checked the address on his paper once more to make sure it was the right place and then carefully climbed out of the car.  He started to walk when a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks.

“Jim?”

He took a deep breath before turning around and his heart seemed to skip a beat.

“Hi, Pam.”