It was December. His favorite month. Everything changed in December. Things were brighter, people were nicer, even he was always a bit happier. Well at least that’s how it used to be. This December was different. This December he walked past the stores and did everything in his power not to be taken in by the twinkling lights and festive decorations. He offered tight-lipped, empty smiles to passer-bys when he normally would have grinned widely and wished them “Happy Holidays”. For Jim Halpert everything usually changed in December, but now he was convinced that would never again hold true. In fact he had actually been dreading the holidays ever since he moved from Scranton almost 6 months ago. Stamford wasn’t bad, but even 146 long miles away he could sometimes still hear her laugh or see her smile and it made his heart hurt. Even though they had never been “a couple” he had looked forward to Christmas time with her around. Exchanging silly cards or stupid gag presents with Pam had always been an unspoken tradition between them and they usually pulled an extra special prank on Dwight as their present to themselves. And as he had told himself every Christmas since he’d met her, Christmas was a time to tell people how you feel. He always felt more courage around this time of year…but had never been able to muster quite enough to just say it. He finally found that courage, on a warm night in May, but she had said no....and it was over. So here he was, away from Scranton…away from home…away from her, and he had never felt so alone. He quickly shut off his computer and shouldering his messenger bag headed to the elevator.
“Heading out Tuna?“ a loud voice said next to him.
“Yeah…I am.” Jim shot a quick glance to the man standing next to him who was pulling an obnoxiously patterned red and white knit cap onto his head.
“Checking out the old hat there are ya? Red and white….Cornell colors.”
“That’s great Andy.” Jim mumbled as he stepped into the elevator with Andy following closely behind.
“So Tuna….4 days until Christmas. When are you heading back to Scranton?”
“Oh….um…not sure yet.”
“Well if you’re free the 23rd, my old a cappella group and I usually get together. It’s a blast. We go caroling around the neighborhood and then usually go back to my place and get totally wasted. You are more than welcome to join us.”
“Wow…that sounds…awesome. I’ll have to see what my plans are and I will um…let you know.”
“Right on. It’d probably be nice for you to get home. Later.” Andy pushed open the doors that led to the parking lot and pulling his hat down further over his ears waved goodbye and hurried to his car.
‘Yeah right…home.’ Jim thought pulling his coat tighter around him to shield from the heavily falling snow.
He opened the door to his car and threw his bag in the back seat. Stamford wasn’t that bad. It was the same boring job, just in a different office. For the first couple of weeks he even had a pro/con list going about why Stamford was better than Scranton. He listed his co-workers, who with the exception of Andy, were fairly harmless and it was actually interesting to see how an office was run by a boss that wasn’t… Michael. He’d even gone out with a girl from the office a couple of times, Karen, a salesperson who sat behind him. She was fun and smart and beautiful, but things hadn’t really gone anywhere and he was fine with just sharing a friendly good morning and laughing as she rolled her eyes over Andy’s incessant babbling about Cornell.
The thing he liked best about Stamford was being close to the ocean. He had spent many summer evenings running along the shore and for brief moments he could swear that he almost felt whole again. Then he would stop and sit in the sand for hours until it was too dark to see even the slightest wave. That’s when he missed her the most; when he was alone in the dark with just his thoughts.
He tried not to let the emptiness in his heart dictate the way he was living his life, but it was almost as if he couldn’t help it. At first his brothers and his good friends Ben and Mark took turns calling him and even drove up to hang out with him a few weekends, but eventually they stopped coming. He still called his mom every Sunday, as he had ever since he left for college, but their conversations had gotten shorter and shorter. The last call had been a few weeks ago and had started with his mother expressing her concerns and ended with an exasperated “I‘m fine mom,” followed by a quiet goodbye and a dial tone. His brother Tom had called later that night and basically chewed him out for his attitude and absence lately and told him he needed to stop being such a “selfish ass” and get over her already because she obviously wasn’t worth it. That had, in turn, infuriated Jim and he yelled something about how Tom didn’t know anything and then slammed his phone shut. Tom had never called back.
It wasn’t the comments made by his family that bothered Jim; it was the fact that deep down he knew they were right. This wasn’t him. He was not this guy. He was not the guy who spent entire Saturdays slumped on his couch, a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. He was not the guy that snapped at his mother and hung up on his brother. In fact it made him feel ridiculous that he was acting like this. Jim tried to convince himself that Tom was right. That Pam wasn’t worth all this. But he knew that wasn’t true. Deep down in the very bottom of his soul he knew that she absolutely was worth it. Maybe the problem was that he wasn’t. She had clearly made her choice and what kind of guy was he that a guy like Roy, who time and time again took Pam was granted, was chosen over him? Then he had gotten the e-mail from Phyllis. The one that ripped off the scab from his fragile heart and menacingly poured salt into his wound. She hadn’t married him after all. At first he thought maybe it was a sign and that he hadn’t been so wrong after all and he spent hours pacing with his phone in hand waiting for her call. It never came and eventually he stopped waiting. She had chosen another man over him and then she didn‘t even end up marrying that man. It was his fault. He had been so convinced that if she could just know how he felt that she would see how perfect they would be together and would give it a shot. But instead, he had opened his mouth and scared her and confused her out of the future she had chosen for herself. She would have been much better off if he had just kept his mouth shut and left her alone.
Jim pulled into his parking spot in front of his apartment and turned the key in his ignition. He looked out the window at the darkness that was waiting for him and sighed. He hated that this was what he had become. He hated how he was treating the people that loved him and most of all he hated that he didn’t know what to do about it.
“Everyone would be better off if I were gone” he thought miserably to himself.
Michael wouldn’t leave twenty minute long voicemail messages about how Jim abandoned his family, maybe Andy would make more sales, he wouldn’t have to bum all his friends out anytime they tried to hang out with him, his mom wouldn’t be sad, his brothers wouldn’t be ignoring him and Pam would be happily married. He scoffed slightly as the thought crossed his mind that even Dwight would be better off without him because then at least he wouldn’t have had to deal with a “bloody glove” in his desk or seeing Meredith on the can.
Jim rested his head on the steering wheel and said out loud, “Sometimes I wish I’d never been born.”
A sudden tapping on the window caused Jim to jump and smash his knee into the bottom of the steering wheel.
“Shit…” he muttered rubbing his hand over the bump forming on his kneecap. He quickly turned and looked out the window only to make out the silhouette of a man standing there.
“Roll down your window.” the man called through the glass.
Jim tentatively rubbed his arm over the window, wiping away some of the fog that had built up, and carefully looked out and up into the face of the man peering into his car.
