"Thanks, Jim. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. 'Night Karen."

Jim hung up the phone and wearily glanced at the clock. 1:18 AM. If he was forced to go through one more of these "talks" and make some more "progress" on his relationship with Karen, he would just have to throw himself in front of a train. This was worse than the idea of having a career selling paper.

"This is something Pam would never do to me," he thought before quickly pushing the idea out of his head.

What was being accomplished by these late-night discussions anyway? Besides a headache and some sort of frustration he couldn't place, he couldn't think of anything. He lied most of the time... No I don't have feelings for her... Yes I've moved on... and even though he never directly said it... It's totally okay that you are overly controlling and trying to completely change my personality- nope no problem with that at all.

But he went along with it, because this was the plan. Change everything and move on from last May. New city, new apartment, shorter hair, different wardrobe. Grape soda with ham and cheese was replaced with bottled water and tuna. No more silly pranks on Dwight with Pam (well... there were exceptions to that one). He was "evolving" as he put it. It didn't matter that he was actually lying to himself, because it dulled the searing pain to a manageable ache. And maybe, if it stopped searing for long enough, it would never flare up again. But lately, the ache wasn't dull and it wouldn't go away.

Jim came to the realization that things had gone too far.

Pam was the reason behind his frustration because thinking of her made life simultaneously complicated and simple. It was complicated because she still hadn't made her feelings clear, there was Karen to consider, and he hadn't really talked to Pam in a long time. Simply put, however, Jim was still in love with her. That part wouldn't be changing anytime soon.



-------------------------

"Wow, have I been an ass," was all he could think.

Jim Halpert had dug himself a hole. A really deep one filled with too many mistakes.

The first had been not giving Pam any time to think things through. Maybe she would have said something on Monday, maybe it would have changed things. But no, he was too immersed in his own emotions to wait. Everything had backfired and he just needed to get out... get away from all things Pam.

And there was his second mistake... running away. It was probably his biggest error, because it happened to lead to more problems than solutions. Like Karen.

For starters, he had hated living in Stamford. It just wasn't home... so what if his paychecks were bigger and he didn't have to face Pam everyday? Not that Stamford wasn't a nice place, it just wasn't home.

Karen made it more like home. She was friendly, smart, and someone fun to talk to and laugh with, not to mention hot. Time spent with her reminded him a little of the time he spent with a certain receptionist back home, but it didn't bring back the pain. It just made him more comfortable, more like his old self. Starting a more serious relationship with Karen did not seem like a bad idea at the time.

But things got weird after the merger. Jim had to work harder to keep his feelings for Pam at bay after he saw how much she had changed. She was still Pam, just more confident and independent. For the first time in months, he didn't really want to push away thoughts of her. He wanted to let her back in.

It didn't take long for Karen to figure things out, and suddenly dating her was definitely not fun or enjoyable. That's when she began her attempts to "mold" him into her idea of a perfect guy. It started with those glares that spoke volumes on her disapproval of his pranks and visits to reception. Then there were the little comments on his commitment to his career or unruly hair. The little comments escalated to small discussions. He should have cut it off right there.

Before he knew it, no topic was out of bounds (for Karen at least) during their three to four hour late-night phone conversations, like the one he'd just had on "the importance of commitment and not telling lies." This is why Karen was a mistake.

But what he was really angry at himself for was how he had treated Pam since he came back. There was no excuse for that. He didn't even want to begin to remember... like the time I practically cast her Christmas present off as worthless or refused to grab coffee with her... yep, nice going, Halpert.

And then Jim realized... "Maybe I can still change things, maybe it's not too late."

-------------------------

Jim finally rested his head on his pillow. He had been sitting up because the stress created by Karen's call had prevented him from lying down. But for some reason, he felt... peaceful. Now there's something he didn't expect.

How could he possibly feel at peace after discovering that he had somehow created two conflicting lifestyles?

The way of life he had been living since last May is one any man would dream of. Hot girl, advancing career, and constant forward progression with countless opportunities to experience new things. The life he left behind, however, was more like him. It just worked. That is as long as it had one key ingredient... Pam. The only way to define this way of life is that it simply revolved around love, and everything else fell into place.

But did he really leave anything behind? No I left a dream behind... wishful thinking.

His two separate lifestyles were beginning to collide, and Jim knew he had to make a choice between going after a dream or staying where he was. Staying where he was in life was the easy thing to do, but what if he ended up feeling this empty and frustrated all the time? Putting all his feelings for Pam out on the table wasn't exactly something he wanted to go through again. A third rejection would be utterly unbearable... but if his dream became a reality... there wouldn't really be words to express his feelings. Well, "contentment" would probably sum it up pretty well.

Two thoughts filled Jim's mind at that time. One was his previous discovery that love would make things fall into place. The other was Michael's advice from the Booze Cruise last year.

"Never, ever, ever, give up."

The two thoughts were interdependent, one could not exist without the other. Things fell into place if you loved someone because if you loved someone, you never gave up. Ever.

And there was his answer. He just had to try with Pam, at least one more time. As for Karen... Well that relationship just isn't doing that much for me now is it?

Jim glanced over at the clock again. 1:53 AM. Did I just have a late-night talk with myself? Oh wow... I did didn't I?

Now or never. It was time to put an end to the conflict.

Jim retrieved his phone from the nightstand and called Pam.

---------------------

What the hell am I doing? She won't pick up... it's almost two in the morning. What if she picks up? Oh shit, I never decided what I was going to say! Pam... I'm still in love with you. Pam, I'm sorry. Pam, I can't live without you. Pam...

"Hello? Jim?"

Oh my God... she actually picked up.

"Pam? Hi."

"Is everything okay? It's kinda unusual to call someone at two in the morning..."

"Yeah, I know I just... I really need to talk to you. And I hate doing this on the phone, and I'd rather say what I need to say in person, but I can't wait... anymore."

"Um, okay..."

No turning back now. Definitely not... but start light, don't screw this up, Halpert.

"I'm really sorry... about how I've been treating you."

"Jim, it's fine, you don't need to apologize-"

"No, Pam, I do. I have been one hell of an asshole these past few months and you have no idea how sorry I am. It was a terrible choice, leaving Scranton and not telling you... I should have given you more time. And I shouldn't be with Karen, I know that, but you've been really supportive anyway. And I just-"

"Jim, stop. What are you doing?"

I've heard those words before. And if the words, "I can't," or "You have no idea what your friendship means to me," follow that phrase... I guess I'll just spill it out... all of it.

"I can't run from this anymore, Pam. I'm still in love with you. I still love you. And I miss being your best friend. These past few months... I've been running from those feelings, and I'm tired-"

"Wait a sec, could you say that again?"

Is she hard of hearing!?!? I just handed my heart over to her, again, and she wants me to repeat what I said? I thought I could hear a smile in her voice... might just be misinterpreting things again....

"I can't run from-"

"No, the part after that."

"I'm still in love with you?"

Wait, is she laughing? At least the last time she rejected me she was sad... but this is just cruel.

"Yes."

"Pam, what is going on? Why are you laughing? I can't believe you would do this to me-"

"Calm down, Jim... I'm laughing because I'm happy. No, happy is not the right adjective... blissful is more like it."

Oh my God, she sounds like she's crying now... what has gotten into her?

"Are you alright? Pam, are you drunk?"

"No Jim I'm not drunk. Yes I'm fine... better than fine... but you'll just have to see for your self."

Click.

--------------------------

Jim Halpert was lost for words. Just two minutes ago he was confessing his love for Pam a third time. Now he was utterly confused.

See for yourself? What is that supposed to mean? She just... hung up... on me.

He was having a very long night, longer than the sleepless ones in Stamford and the angst-filled ones for the past three or four years. It started with Karen's call and somehow ended up here.

Jim, who was now sitting up, stared at the wall. Or at least he looked like he was, but his eyes didn't see the wall. They saw that night when she said I can't and his lips met hers and he...

If I keep thinking about this, I will never get to sleep. It's been ten minutes since she hung up... let it go.

Knock. Knock.

Those two little sounds brought Jim back into the present.

This can only be one person. This is what she meant. Is this really happening? One way to find out...

He made his way over to the door, shaking like a leaf, and looked through the peep hole. Pam was standing there, in purple plaid pajamas, shifting her weight and glancing around. God, she's beautiful.

Knock knock knock.

Jim opened the door... and was attacked. Pam wasted no time leaping (literally leaping) at him and wrapping her arms around his broad frame as best she could. All Jim could do was hug her back, he still wasn't really sure what was happening. 

"Pam, you're gonna have to help me out here... what's going on?"

She lifted her head from his chest and looked directly into his eyes. I love her eyes, I could stand her and stare at them forever. He could see a single tear welling up and then she spoke.

"I'm in love with you."

That sent him over the edge. He gripped her tighter, her feet weren't touching the ground. Things finally felt real again. It was like fog had lifted and he could see farther than two feet in front of him. Much farther.

"I missed-" she didn't even get three words out.

Jim cautiously pressed his lips to hers. I hope I'm doing the right thing here... Pam erased all doubts when she moved her hand to the back of his neck and laced her fingers through his hair before lightly touching her tongue to the corner of his mouth.

His knees went weak.

Can't let her go... this just feels right. I won't have it any other way for the rest of my life. She's so warm and she fits in my arms perfectly... her hand on my neck, in my hair, it feels so good... and she tastes good too, smells like raspberries.

Pam broke away to finish what she was saying. "Jim, I've missed you so much, but if you need more time, to sort things out... I can wait."

He kissed her again, mouth open on hers, taking in her scent, her taste. Wintergreen... that is now the best flavor in the world.

When he broke away, he just looked at her. Stared at her eyes through droopy lids. He didn't need more time, maybe a day to break up with Karen, but he definitely didn't need more time than that.

"Nope, I think I have everything figured out."

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