Twelve thousand five hundred dollars.

That's how much it cost me to drive away in this little blue hatchback. It should be liberating, having my own car again after sharing the truck with Roy for so many years (not that I ever had anywhere to go). But I don't feel free, or optimistic, or any of those feelings I should have after becoming more independent.

I'm lonely. And I shouldn't be.

I stopped for the third red light on my way home from the dealership. My empty, lifeless apartment wasn't much farther up the road, but I decided to turn the radio on anyway. Death Cab for Cutie. Great. Absolutely wonderful. One of his favorite songs, too.

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out

The red light began to look like a multi-pointed star as my eyes started to well up. Not here, not now... just one more intersection.

And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no island should go

The light finally turned green as I wondered how much longer I could hold this all in. Everything was catching up with me now, all these emotions I wouldn't let myself feel. This façade had worked all week, since Monday. How else could I handle him not being there?

The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door
Have been silenced forever more
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no

I pulled into my parking space a little too fast, the tires squealed against the pavement, but I didn't care.

I need you so much closer

I wanted to at least be in the privacy of my apartment, but I didn't want to leave the song, not now. He left and it's my fault. I was just so scared... I didn't know what to do. My body started shaking with silent sobs, I was just feeling too many emotions at once. Guilt, fear, loneliness, frustration, love and... anger? Yeah I'm kinda angry. I call off my wedding, take a week off of work to stay with my parents and come back to work only to find out he transferred? To a different state? No call, no email, no note. Dammit, Jim!

I need you so much closer
I need you so much clo-

I turned off the engine and got out, not even bothering to grab more than my purse before slamming the door. Guess this car won't be new for very long. Getting from my car to my apartment was a blur. I locked the door behind me and strode into my bedroom. And then I cried. For a really long time.

My out of control emotions settled in my chest, raging even in their confinement. I was just so confused and frustrated, nothing I did made it go away. Numbness felt like a pretty good option... but every time I slid a little closer to that edge, something pulled me back into consciousness. The sound of his voice, his laugh. The way his eyes saw past the platonic wall I'd constructed and later glistened with defeat. The way his lips moved on mine, how his broad shoulders seemed to melt under my touch. Is this what he was feeling all that time? Is this what it feels like to be cornered into living without what you love most because it's the only choice you can make?

The sobs raked harder through my body. I was shaking uncontrollably, my throat was raw and my thoughts became less and less coherent. And even through the chaos, one line from that damn song kept coming back to me, I just couldn't let it go.

I need him so much closer.

My eyes fluttered open to the light coming in from my bedroom window. I just lie there, not moving, enjoying the peace. But then my eyes began to burn from yesterday's breakdown and the disgusting crust around them made it difficult to see clearly. I noticed black mascara stains all over my white pillow case and I felt a little light headed from not eating any dinner last night. So much for staying in bed and not doing anything. Except for moping. Well, even that's a little too pathetic.

At least it's Saturday.

I slowly slid out of bed, realizing I still had yesterday's button-down and skirt on. Comfy p.j.'s first... then food. I dug out my favorite pair of cotton pants. Roy always used to make fun of their bright color and childish appeal. "Those pants look so silly, babe. C'mon, haven't you grown up?" he'd say. It always pissed me off because I thought they were comfy... so what if they had pink giraffes and purple elephants on them? Without thinking, I gravitated towards my 76ers sweat shirt. The one that's way too big. It was a gift, well, sort of. I was cold and Ji-... never mind.

Today, I fully intend to only eat, sleep and watch TCM. Absolutely nothing more. That's what those characters in chick flicks do when they're upset right? Sounds like a plan to me.

I made my way to the refrigerator and opened the door. No milk. Okay then, how about an omelet? No eggs. Well I should have... nope, no mixed berry yogurt. Well, cereal without milk is fine with me. I opened my small pantry only to find I had no cereal, no granola bars and no bread. I checked the freezer. No ice cream?! You have got to be kidding me. It made sense, though. I had gone two weeks without grocery shopping. Crap.

Still dressed in my mismatched pajamas, I found my keys and headed for the door. It took me a second to realize I had a new car when I didn't recognize any in the lot. But there it was. For some reason, after that song played on the radio yesterday, I had a weird feeling about the little Yaris. That's silly. It's just a car. Once inside, I noticed I had left my cardigan behind the night before. I didn't want to think about that right now. Just go and get back as quickly as possible.

I turned the key in the ignition and the radio came to life again. Wait, is this swing?

Come fly with me
Let's fly let's fly away

Since when does the same station play Death Cab for Cutie and Sinatra?

If you can use so-

I wasn't exactly in the mood for something that upbeat, so I turned the dial. Static. Every single station. That's really weird. Sinatra it is.

In llama land there's a one man band
And he'll toot his flute for you
Come fly with me
Let's take off in the blue

As I was driving to the store, I couldn't help but feel a little perkier with this music. I wonder if this car has a magic radio or something. Ha ha, now I'm really going crazy.

We'll just glide
Starry eyed
Once I get you up there
I'll be holding you so near
You may hear
Angels cheer because we're together

It was another quarter of a mile before I was singing along, and I never ever sing in the car. Ever. I felt like the car was singing to me, like I should come fly with it. This. Is. Insane.

Weather wise it's such a lovely day
You just say the words
And we'll beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay

As the song ended, I pulled into Rite Aid. Should be enough to buy milk, cereal and ice cream for now. I strolled up and down the isles, not minding the strange looks people gave my appearance. Hey, I can't help it if they've never seen a purple elephant before. A box of Wheaties, a gallon of milk and two tubs of mint chocolate chip ice cream later, I was back in my car with the radio off. At least I'm in a better mood... and weather wise, it is a lovely day. Maybe things are looking up.

(Pam never even realized she had just gone to the same Rite Aid she and Jim visited on Michael's birthday.)

Back in my apartment, spoon and mint chocolate chip ice cream in hand, I settled in on the couch. My couch. The cushions aren't worn and the edges aren't frayed. It has this elegant wood detailing and a subtle pattern on the cream colored fabric. When I saw it, I just had to have it. It looked... artsy... but not super modern. Besides, its high arm rests and squishy feel made it perfect for cuddling, even though I have no one to cuddle with.

Movies continued to play throughout the day, but I couldn't pay attention. I wanted a distraction and this just wasn't working. I finally curled up under my throw blanket and willed myself to sleep, but I just couldn't. The weight of everything that had happened to me over the past few weeks settled in my chest and wouldn't let go. I can see it now, though. I can see why Jim looked the way he did that night... I know why he looked the way he did. I think I feel a part of it now for myself.

Memories we had that used to confuse me... like the time I jinxed Jim and told him he could tell me anything. He had this... this sort of dark expression where the light left his eyes and he couldn't look at me. Our "date" on the roof and why it was so important that swaying counted as dancing. The silent pause on the boat the night Roy finally set a date (after multiple snorkel shots). His anger when I didn't want to go after the design internship because of Roy. Why he complained about me planning my wedding... why he planned an outlandish trip so he wouldn't be able to come. All of these moments gave me little inklings that they meant more. I just didn't allow myself to think about them, I didn't want to. The possibility of completely rearranging my life quite honestly scared the shit out of me. Hell, it still does.

But I'm doing it. It's happening right now.

Maybe time and space are what I need to learn to rely on myself. Do I even really know me anymore? The fact that I have to ask that question is an answer in and of itself. It's like my emotions are tangled heap of jewelry. I have to just sit down and untangle it before I can admire each individual piece. Right now, there are two clumps: the weight of what Jim means to me and and void he left behind.

The cameras came back today.

And of course, they had to make a big deal about me calling off my wedding.

I didn't want more attention drawn to myself, shouldn't people mind their own business when it comes to something like this? Its just a little too early for me to deal with this kind of thing. Maybe that's not what's bothering me.

I opened a new game of solitaire. 3:30pm... assuming Michael doesn't decide to hold one of his "meetings" in the conference room, I have an hour and a half to go. Too long. That's what she said. Uhhg! I wish...

My gaze fell from the clock to the desk a few feet away from me. I had to snap out of it when I realized Ryan was staring back with a confused and slightly disgusted look on his face. That's the fourth time I've looked over there today... I guess I tend to look at Jim's old desk everyday, but today I'm just more aware of it because the cameras keep catching me. Frankly, it just sucks not having him and his warm greenish-hazel eyes there. I call them greenish-hazel because sometimes they're green and sometimes they're hazel. But they are always warm. I guess I used to look into his eyes a lot. More than I should have. I've been putting way too much thought into this...

I just really want to go home right-

"All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!"

Shit.

4:45 sounds close enough to 5:00 to me. Especially after that. I started shutting down my computer and boarding the phones when Michael came over.

"Hey, you holdin' up?"

"Yep."

"Where ya goin'?"

Quick! I need an excuse... got it.

"Oh, I'm painting my new apartment tonight, so I better get going."

"Alone?"

"See you tomorrow, Michael."

I decided to get out while I was ahead. It occurred to me in the elevator that maybe painting wouldn't be such a bad idea. I remember the landlady saying it was okay, and maybe it would do me good to have some color on the walls. Yeah, I think I will paint.

I got into my car and just sat there. A deep breath entered and exited my lungs, almost involuntarily. I don't know how many more long, tedious days like this one I can take without him being there. No one to joke with or share a glance with...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
Green eyes
Yeah the spot light shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Of course.

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind
Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

And then I knew what color I would be painting my bedroom.

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

I realized I had been driving in a sort of blur when I suddenly noticed the glaring blue sign of Lowe's on my right. I turned as smoothly as I possibly could into the parking lot. Thank god this isn't the truck.

I still wasn't sure what kind of color scheme I wanted to go for. The rows and rows of paint chips overwhelmed me a little as I stopped at a collection of greens... limes, forests, olives, emeralds... nothing was quite right. And then I saw it. One paint chip was lying on the shelf like it fell down. Chopped Chive. Who cared if the name was a little ridiculous? This was the color. It didn't match his eyes, it just reminded me of them... I can be so pathetic sometimes. I'm painting my room this Chopped Chive color because it reminds me of Jim and I heard this song in my car because it has a mind of its own. Yes... yes I am.

I started finding other colors I liked; Lavender Quartz for the living room, Late Day Sun for the kitchen and Tidal Wave for the halls. It seemed like a crazy color scheme, but I liked it. It just felt right to me.

I started taping off the door frames and molding in my apartment. Even if I didn't have the time or energy to finish much of anything tonight, I could still get going on it. Goal: finish the painting by Sunday. I can do that.

Over the next few days I tackled each room, little by little. When I finished, I felt like I was living in the apartment of an artist (smugly thinking to myself, "That's because I am one.") I figured I could always improve it with framed prints... or my own work. When I went to bed Saturday night in my green room, the song from a few days ago inevitably came back to me.

I don't think I can go on without him... but I'll be fine for now. I think.

(At 11:42 PM, Pam's laptop announced the arrival of an email from JHalpert...)

Well, I thought about going shopping, but decided not to. New clothes aren't that necessary for blind dates, are they?

To tell the truth, I'm actually not that nervous... I mean, we're both artists in one way or another, so there's something in common. And there won't be too many awkward silences with Kelly around, I'm sure. Maybe awkward moments in general, but no silences. That's a good thing, right?

On the other hand, I guess I'm not that excited either. I'm sure it will be fun to go out, but I'm just not that into the idea of finding someone to date. Hmmm... maybe that's because, hypothetically speaking, I already found someone. Speaking of tonight...

"Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?"

Maybe I should have gone shopping...

"This."

Oh... definitely should have gone shopping...

"You look so pretty."

Kelly is really really bad at lying. I can feel it.

"Thanks."

And now I'm definitely nervous...

"Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power."

The only thing that could possibly make this conversation worse is...

"Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?"

Michael.

I was so embarrassed at this point, I just wanted to tune them out. Did they really have to bring up the wedding dress? That is just so incon-

"-ose things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?"

Oh my God... what?! Jim? Say something!

"Um..."

"Um. Okay, um."

"Um."

"You got that?"

"I got it."

"Write that down."

"I got it."

No. You have got to be kidding me. I... I have to go... somewhere.

"Excuse me, Kelly."

"Oh, yeah, sure! TTYL!"

The roof was the only place I could think of to calm down. So the message I chose to "relate" to Jim was "Um?" Really? Um? What else was I going to say? I'm sorry about breaking your heart and crushing your hopes and dreams... have you patched that up yet? Or maybe, thanks a lot for sticking around and being a friend while I had to make the biggest decision of my life? Maybe um wasn't such a bad message after all.

We had shared so many moments up here, most not caught by the cameras. Sometimes I would see Jim get up and leave and I immediately knew where he was headed, instinctively knowing whether or not to follow him. He knew with me too, when to give space and when to be there. This was such a subtle thing, but it was part of us. Words could go unspoken and be understood. Well, not all of them.

That night? He had to say it, out loud. I was too stubborn to understand on my own. I had to say it out loud and I didn't. The timing was so wrong and yet, that was the best opportunity he had to say it. All he got out of me was "I can't." And now all he gets is "um."

But looking back on these past few weeks and realizing how I've started to change... it needed to happen this way. Not saying I like it...

What if it's too late?

Back at my desk, I considered going shopping again. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Yes, I'll let him know. Thanks."

This should be fun.

"Michael?"

"Hey, Pam, what's up?"

"David Wallace wanted to talk to you about-"

"Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay then."

"Yes. Say hi to Pam!"

That was him. At the end, that was him.

"Hi everyone."

"Pam says hi. Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye."

I hung up the phone in a sort of stupor. He knows I'm going on a date now. Great. Thank you Michael. Actually, no. That's totally cool. He left, so he doesn't care... he probably has a girlfriend now anyway. So thank you, Michael.

I can't deal with my indecisiveness anymore. This is just getting ridiculous.

Shopping it is. I got into my car, not even thinking about the radio. But when I turned the key, guitars and drums began to fill the space, quiet at first. I pulled out of my spot and drove up to the street.

I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

Why is this car always right?!

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

At the next light I turned back towards my apartment complex. Definitely not going shopping.

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

Maybe I shouldn't give up on him just yet.

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

I've said "definitely" like three times today and I'm still not sure of anything. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'm not going to just throw Jim away. Because I wanted to tell him... and now all I can say is "um"... talk about ineloquence. But, god, I'm being selfish... just expecting him to be waiting with open arms, heart still on his sleeve. What might I have done? Maybe things will change. I don't know... time will tell. That was really cliché. Nice going. But honestly, I need to take things one at a time... and right now, I'm going on a date. In my work clothes. Fun.

When will I ever learn not to trust Kelly when it comes to these things? The idiot was practically groping me with his eyes! Just. Not. Fun.

Mentally exhausted, I threw my keys on the small table in my entryway (another small touch I added... planning to découpage it next week). After swapping my apparently boring outfit for a raggedy t-shirt and sweats, I checked my personal email. My heart skipped a beat.

JHalpert?

From: JHalpert@mail.com
Subject: Hi
To: BeeslyArtist@mail.com

Best Wishes,
Jonathan

To say the least, I was pleasantly surprised. More than pleasantly surprised. Surprised, relieved, excited, just really happy for the first time in a while. Jonathan was so easy to talk to and I knew he'd understand, or at least try to understand, what I was feeling. Inviting him over and showing him my new place seemed the best thing to do. Going out didn't offer enough... privacy... for what we needed to discuss. I wasted no time in responding.

The past couple of days have been... nice. I'm really starting to enjoy myself, going around and doing various things I've never tried before or had the inspiration to do. It's freeing.

Jonathan emailed me again, telling me he would come over this Friday after I get off of work. I even offered him my couch for the night, thinking it would be best if he could stay for a little while. I was a little surprised he accepted, but I think somehow he understands.

I also discovered this really cool park nearby with a running trail, and in one of those completely impulsive moments, I decided to go for a run on it. As I stepped out of my apartment in a paint splattered t-shirt and a pair of shorts I hadn't worn since high school, I had those annoying inklings of fear and embarrassment, but I managed to keep my chin up and just go with it. I ended up having a really wonderful time enjoying the scenery and amiable weather. Later, I doubled over in exhaustion back in my apartment, but it was still worth it. I've even gotten into the habit of running every day.

I did however find it necessary to invest in some proper clothing for my newfound hobby. That's when I discovered Amazon... Kelley had been bugging me to try online shopping anyway. After only a few minutes of perusing the site, I decided I really really liked Amazon. A lot. Each pair of brightly colored running shorts added to my shopping cart made me a little giddy. Most of it was fairly inexpensive too. I even stumbled on a couple cute shirts and decided to give them a try. Hey, if I didn't like them, I could send them back. No harm in trying.

And the Yaris even started playing this song, "She's So Lovely." I still get a kick out of that car.

I'm painting again, too. The rest of my small apartment was finally furnished, but the walls lacked interest, so I was trying to create some decorative pieces. Saturday mornings found me paint brush in hand and indie on the stereo. Flowers, sunsets, fruit, cityscapes and country sides came alive on my canvases. My once plain walls filled up quickly. I'm quite the handy girl, actually. A hammer, some nails and a level are no match for Pam Beesly. Suck it, Martha.